NewsRadio (1995) s05e21 Episode Script
Retirement (1)
If there's nothing else, the meeting is adjourned.
Whoa--! Whoa! Where's everybody going? Meeting's over.
No, no.
How come--? How come we never, you know, sit around, shoot the breeze like we used to? Sir, that's how we spend the bulk of our time.
Well, I know.
So everybody sit down for a second.
We are not gonna be here forever together, you know.
I mean, eventually we're gonna have to move on with our lives.
What? He's just kidding, Matthew.
JIMMY: Yeah.
But-- But seriously, anybody ever wonder, you know, what they're gonna do when this thing is over? Well, I thought I'd like to get back into print journalism.
There, you see? I didn't know you were in print journalism.
I was editor of my college newspaper.
Didn't you win an award for an-- An Arts review piece you did? That's right, I did.
It was a, uh, particularly devastating review of Devo's third album.
But moving on.
Moving on.
You know, I too have fantasized about dabbling in the written word.
In fact, I got half a novel sitting in a drawer at home just waiting to be finished.
You wrote half a novel? No, I read half a novel.
Okay.
What about you, Joe? What you gonna do? I want to work with kids.
JIMMY: Mm-hm.
What? Get to them early before they get brainwashed by the Thought Police.
Oh, like Big Bird and Elmo? Elmo's on our side, dude.
I knew it.
I knew it.
Okay.
What about you, Mr.
James? Who, me? I'm just gonna retire.
You know, just sell the station, liquidate my assets.
Ah, just move out in the middle of nowhere in New Hampshire.
That sounds nice.
JIMMY: Yep.
Peaceful.
Mm-hm.
American dream.
Oh, good, good.
I-- I thought you guys would be upset.
Why? Well, I'm leaving tomorrow.
I've-- I've liquidated-- I've liquidated most of my holdings.
The station's up for sale.
And as of the stroke of midnight tonight, I am officially retired.
Wait a minute.
Big Bird's not on our side? [.]
Okay, see here? That's the barber shop right there.
This here's the general store.
And about a half-mile down this road is my cabin.
It looks more like a-- A rustic convention center than a cabin.
No, no.
It's-- It's a cabin.
See, I bought 50 cabins and they took all the different parts from the 50 cabins to make-- Make one big-ass cabin.
See? Dave, you might want to look at this.
It's where Mr.
James is retiring to.
Yes.
Very big-ass, sir.
Yeah.
I thought so.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
So, what else? Oh, yeah.
Here is a picture of a cow on my property.
And here's another cow and another cow and another cow.
No, actually, sir, this one is a bull.
Oh, good eye, Dave.
Anyway, sir, don't you think you're a little bit young to retire? Well, I came to New York City to get rich.
I got rich.
I made it here, therefore, I can make it anywhere.
Done.
Peace.
I'm out.
But what about us? What about the station? Oh, you guys can get along fine here without me.
Well, sure.
I know that-- I said you guys can get along fine here without me.
No.
We need you here.
No, no, no, no.
Oh, sure you can.
Don't you think you'll get bored up there? Bored? How can I get bored and be spending 12 hours a day with tranquilizer guns, bulldozers moving these damn cows off my property? No, sir, it's actually easier to move them if you don't, uh, knock them out.
I did not know that.
Why don't you let Dave show you some of his old Four-H cowcalls? All right.
Uh, standard North American Holstein coming up.
Maybe another-- Maybe another time, son.
Uh, there's something you could do for me though.
Would you mind ID'ing these for me? My great pleasure, sir.
Thanks.
Dave, you're awfully nonchalant about this whole retirement thing.
Oh, that's just because he's not really retiring.
It's just some sort of a scam.
Uh, I don't think so.
I just have a feeling he's serious about this.
Uh-huh.
What makes you think that? Women's intuition.
Oh, you have women's intuition? No.
Well, I think you're wrong about this one.
He's just doing this to scare us into, I don't know, working harder or something.
You know, trust me, in a few days, it'll all blow over.
Well, what if you're wrong? Huh? Well, I'm not.
I'm not.
You know, he probably just wants us to maybe pitch in and get him a gold watch.
Something like that.
Yeah, or have Matthew jump out of a cake.
Mm-hm.
No.
Remember we did that for his 50th birthday party? That was Matthew? Yeah.
In-- In-- In a wig.
You were-- You were drunk.
Thank God.
[.]
This is just great.
What--? What are you talking about? Without Jimmy here, Dave is just gonna fire me the first chance he gets.
Why would Dave do that? Because he hates me.
Dave doesn't hate you.
Then why does he criticize my work all the time? Why does he shoot hate rays out of his eyes? Why doesn't he ever take me camping? Dave doesn't go camping.
Sure he does.
He takes me with him every weekend.
Sometimes twice.
Look, so what? You get fired.
You just get another job just like regular people do.
I'm not regular people.
The dude's got a point.
I'm not good at job interviews.
I stumble.
I stammer, uh, I-- I say stupid things.
It's like I'm a completely different person.
Yeah.
Actually, that's exact-- Joe? No.
Thank you.
No.
You're a secretary, Beth.
It's very easy for you to get by on a-- On a smile and a little jiggle.
Joe, same goes for you.
You know, I'm a reporter.
That-- That is white-collar work.
You know, you probably just need a little practice.
Oh, what do you mean? Well, Joe and I would be more than happy to set up a little mock-interview situation for you.
You would do that for me? Absolutely.
Sure.
Okay, thank you.
Okay.
All right.
You're welcome.
Thanks.
[BOTH SNICKER.]
Lisa, want to know what I think? No.
I think Jimmy's retiring.
I think you're right and Dave's wrong.
I know.
I'm really concerned about this and Dave What, were you eavesdropping on our conversation? No.
Beth was.
Well, Beth should not be eaves-- Okay.
We both were.
But that's my point.
We all got to stick together now.
You know what, Max? You're right.
You're right.
So here's the plan.
You go into the men's room.
Second stall.
Lock the door and sit.
Keep your eyes shut and your ears open.
Go.
Max, we're all counting on you.
I'm on it.
Good.
[.]
[SNIFFS.]
Is there a Mr.
Brick here? A Mr.
Brick? Right here.
It's Brock.
Mr.
Brick? Brock.
Oh.
Hello, Mr.
Brick.
Thank you for coming in for the interview.
Well, thank you for having me-- It'll be just a few more minutes.
We're running a little behind.
Take a seat, please.
Thank you.
May I help you? I'm here for the job interview.
And you are--? Matthew Brock.
[SIGHS.]
Brock, Brock, Brock Hold on a moment.
You might have it as Brick.
Ah, yes, I do.
Okay.
Well, I'm sorry, Mr.
Brick, but that position has been filled.
But I do thank you for your time and have a nice day.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
Damn it! Isn't there anything left for you to accomplish? Uh no.
Not really, no.
Now that I-- Now that I think about it though, I always saw myself having a, you know, a retirement party, speeches and all that stuff, but, nah, I guess maybe not.
We could do that.
Yeah, we could.
No, no, no.
Forget about it.
I was just-- Now that I'm actually retiring I kind of want to sort of just fade into the night.
It would just be more like a small dinner.
With lots of food.
I don't know.
Well, really, it would be more for us than for you, sir.
There will be dessert, correct? Though not for long.
What do you think? Okay.
Great.
Okay.
All right.
I just-- You know, I don't want to see Matthew pop out of a cake, give you a lap dance again.
[SIGHS.]
That was a test of your patience, which you passed with flying colors, I might add.
Yeah, it sure was a test.
You know, I've been sitting out here for 45 minutes.
Sometimes that happens.
Be prepared for stuff like that.
Whatever.
Ready for your interview? I guess so.
Well, we are rather busy if you'd like to reschedule.
No, I'm ready.
Very well.
Right this way, sir.
That's right.
I said sell, dude.
Sell.
Thanks, dude.
Mr.
Garrelli, Mr.
-- Brock.
Brock is here for the interview.
Nice to meet you, Mr.
Brock.
Please have a seat.
Oh, thank you.
Okay.
Thank you.
Take a seat.
Looking over your résumé here.
May I say I find it quite impressive.
Well, yeah, I-- I find that a hand-written résumé is a little more personal.
Let's see.
It says here that you worked as a reporter for WNYX for the last five years.
Why did you leave? Because Dave hates me.
Hm.
Well, of course, you do realize that this isn't a radio station? Oh, no.
I was under the impression that you were looking for reporters.
No, son.
This is NASA.
We're looking for people who are interested in space travel.
You are interested in space travel, aren't you? Oh, yeah.
Good.
I'm just gonna ask you a few questions if you don't mind? Oh, jeez.
Yeah, sure.
Okay.
Question number one: Have you ever been to the moon before? No.
No, I haven't.
Do you own your own NASA-approved space suit? Own? No.
No.
Well, we may be able to provide you with that.
I can't guarantee anything.
Possibly.
Doesn't look good.
Tell me, can you type? Type? Yeah.
Yes, I can.
In space? Yes.
How many words per minute? Well, my record is, like, eight.
But I would say more like five.
Now, are these minutes or space minutes? I do not know the answer to that question.
Okay, listen to this.
We take him to dinner and drinks.
Everybody gives a speech about how much he means to them.
He starts crying like a baby and he decides to stay.
It's as easy as one, two, three four five.
Well, I-- You know, I see two flaws in your plan.
Uh, one, I fear there may be a group hug involved, which would include me and Max.
Look, I will get between you and Max.
Oh, I wish I had known you were open-minded when we were dating.
Nobody is that open-minded.
See, the second flaw is that throwing a big dinner for him is the exact opposite of ignoring his phony retirement, which is the right way to handle this.
I mean, I-- I-- I just promise you if you just leave this thing alone, tomorrow he'll come in here and he won't even remember having said he would retire.
No.
I like my plan better.
One, two, three, four, five.
Okay.
But I don't think Matthew can count that high.
How do you feel? Not so good.
How are you feeling now? Not so good.
Well, you better get used to it.
Office furniture in space is very unstable.
Does this mean I get the job? How do you feel about working for minimum wage? That would be fine.
Welcome to NASA.
Okay.
All it is, is a sweet, little intimate dinner just to tell Mr.
James how much he means to us.
Oh, I get it.
Okay.
Yeah, and then he cries and then we cry, and then someone at the next table tells us to keep it down, and then somebody throws a glass.
Yeah, I-- I think it can work okay.
No.
Let's just ignore him and this whole thing will pass in a few days.
No.
I like my plan.
We're gonna go with my plan.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, if I may be the voice of experience here.
Look, the deadline for making new plans has long passed.
We're gonna go with this plan.
The one-two-three-four-five plan, which is my plan.
And it's a good plan.
Hear me, children.
You know not what awaits you in the years to come.
What? I don't know.
That's all I got.
Okay, thank you very much.
But could you all just please go to your desks and-- And just write a-- A simple little speech about how much Mr.
James means to you, becuase it's what the plan says and the plan must be followed.
Come on, people.
Look into your hearts.
Let's do this.
It'll be fun.
Dave? Yes, Matthew.
Hi.
Hi.
Listen, um how are you? I'm well.
Oh, this is not easy for me.
I'm not good at this.
But Dave-- That's all right.
Dave.
Dave.
What? What? Matthew, what? Dave.
Matthew, what? Joe and Beth were doing that thing where they pretend to be people and they were gonna send me on a space moon rocket up to the moon, and-- And-- And let's-- Let's face it.
I'm not astronaut material.
So can we just be friends and can you stop shooting hate rays out of your eyes? Well, Matthew, that's-- That is something that I will have to discuss with my ophthalmologist.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, Dave.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You are the best.
The best! [.]
Beth, I-- I thought we were just gonna push a few tables together.
I don't know about you, but I think a proper sendoff calls for a little bit more than that.
Okay, this is it, people! Cue lights.
[DRUMROLL PLAYS.]
BETH: Cue announcer.
MAX [OVER SPEAKERS.]
: And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's the Jimmy James Farewell Jubilee.
[ALL CLAP.]
Who are all these people? Oh, they're, uh, from The David Letterman Show, but I told them they had to come here first.
Yeah, hang on.
Yeah, you're on in five, four, three [MOUTHING.]
I'm very embarrassed.
Just roll with it, sir.
Yeah.
Hello and welcome to the Da-- The David Letterman preshow.
[APPLAUSE.]
Uh, and as-- As part of the preshow we are-- We are going to say goodbye to our good friend, Jimmy James.
[GROANS.]
Now, I know that everybody has prepared a little something to say.
So, Joe, you're up.
I'm not going first.
Lisa-- Lisa, I really, really didn't want my going-away party to be such a big deal.
I know, sir.
I'm really sorry.
But if you just try to ignore the lights and the music and the strangers and just listen to-- To what we have to say because we're all speaking from the heart and we really, really love you.
[GROANS.]
Joe! Uh, all right.
Uh, normally, I'm not one for toasts, but, uh, in Mr.
James' case, I'm gonna make an exception.
So here we go.
Mr.
James.
Yeah? Jimmy, salud.
Bottom's up.
[ALL APPLAUD.]
Joe? What? That's it? Yeah.
That's your speech? That was a good toast.
It sucked.
It kicked ass.
We will see whose ass gets kicked when we get back to the office.
Lisa, it was fine.
Joe, thank you, dude.
Salud.
Could we just get it over with? [SIGHS.]
I want to tell you a story about the best day that Mr.
James and I ever spent together in New York City, your favorite city, Mr.
James.
[JIMMY AND BETH SOBBING.]
BETH: So in one day Mr.
James and I were mugged in Central Park Yeah.
his foot got run over by a drunken cab driver, my cat fell 10 stories out of an apartment building, and I got evicted from my apartment because my rent was one day late.
[WAILS.]
One day.
And that is when Mr.
James turned to me and he said, "Beth, it's this city.
We've got to get out of this hellhole before it killed us.
" We will, Bethie.
We will, damn it.
[ALL CLAP.]
Okay.
My turn.
My turn.
Yeah, Okay.
JIMMY [SOBBING.]
It's all right.
It's okay.
Uh, anyway, I'm sorry about my voice.
I kind of lost it.
Uh, Mr.
James, I wrote a little song for you, and I want you to know it comes from my heart.
Yeah.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
A one, two, a three, a four.
[ACCORDION PLAYS.]
Some say the world is made For fun and frolic And Jimmy James And Jimmy James So raise a glass And drink a gin and tonic To Jimmy James The Jimmy James You know, this is turning out to be a very special evening.
You're half-loaded.
And you're not? Halfway doesn't do it for me anymore, Dave.
He's Jimmy James Everyone should know by now I sing of Jimmy James Yeah! [APPLAUSE.]
That was Hey, can I get a hold of that? You changed the words so that now my name's in the song.
Yeah! And now, ladies and gentlemen, for your viewing pleasure, please welcome the Three Dancing Matthews.
[ACCORDION PLAYS.]
Lisa, just Thanks.
You know, it-- It's not what I wanted, but I don't know.
It's been a hell of a sendoff.
It was supposed to be different.
So very different.
Yeah, can I ask you a question? Sure.
Is--? Isn't Dave gonna speak? Because, I mean, it's cool if he isn't.
No, of course, Dave's gonna speak.
Good.
We were just saving the best for last.
All right.
Dave? Hm? You got to get up there.
No, I haven't prepared anything.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Just be sincere.
No, no, no! No, I cannot follow the Three Dancing Matthews.
They were terrific.
Hey, Dave.
Oh, yay! This will be good.
He's the smart one.
[APPLAUSE.]
Uh [MUMBLES.]
Ah, there.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, uh, to the great game and to its grand master, Mister [GRUNTS.]
Jimmy James.
Now, Mr.
James, I don't always approve of your methods.
In fact, I very, very, very seldom understand them.
But, uh, you know, everything usually works out for the best, am I--? Am I right? Go, Dave.
[APPLAUSE.]
Whatever you're up to, sir, I just wish you'd, you know, get on with it because, uh, this, uh, phony tribute to your fake retirement has eaten up three hours of my life that I will never get back.
You know what? I'm gonna miss you most of all, you grumpy little bastard.
Oh, well-- [APPLAUSE.]
All right.
Uh, hey, kids-- Kids.
Anybody-- Anybody got a watch? Yeah.
It's-- It's, uh, Ten--? Well, damn, not to mention hell.
This little pumpkin is officially retired.
How about that? [CLEARS THROAT.]
All right.
Well, thank you.
Thank you all.
It's been a hell of a night, and I thank you all.
I'm sorry, sir.
No, don't mention.
Now, what did we learn from this? That's right.
Absolutely nothing.
But it-- It has been a hell of a night and I will cherish this memory forever.
Everybody get their glass up.
And salud.
See? Shut up.
Bye, guys.
Dave, he's-- He-- He's not really--? No, Matthew.
Of course not.
He's just bluffing.
I mean, you-- You really think he's gonna move to New Hampshire and hang out with cows? [.]
Whoa--! Whoa! Where's everybody going? Meeting's over.
No, no.
How come--? How come we never, you know, sit around, shoot the breeze like we used to? Sir, that's how we spend the bulk of our time.
Well, I know.
So everybody sit down for a second.
We are not gonna be here forever together, you know.
I mean, eventually we're gonna have to move on with our lives.
What? He's just kidding, Matthew.
JIMMY: Yeah.
But-- But seriously, anybody ever wonder, you know, what they're gonna do when this thing is over? Well, I thought I'd like to get back into print journalism.
There, you see? I didn't know you were in print journalism.
I was editor of my college newspaper.
Didn't you win an award for an-- An Arts review piece you did? That's right, I did.
It was a, uh, particularly devastating review of Devo's third album.
But moving on.
Moving on.
You know, I too have fantasized about dabbling in the written word.
In fact, I got half a novel sitting in a drawer at home just waiting to be finished.
You wrote half a novel? No, I read half a novel.
Okay.
What about you, Joe? What you gonna do? I want to work with kids.
JIMMY: Mm-hm.
What? Get to them early before they get brainwashed by the Thought Police.
Oh, like Big Bird and Elmo? Elmo's on our side, dude.
I knew it.
I knew it.
Okay.
What about you, Mr.
James? Who, me? I'm just gonna retire.
You know, just sell the station, liquidate my assets.
Ah, just move out in the middle of nowhere in New Hampshire.
That sounds nice.
JIMMY: Yep.
Peaceful.
Mm-hm.
American dream.
Oh, good, good.
I-- I thought you guys would be upset.
Why? Well, I'm leaving tomorrow.
I've-- I've liquidated-- I've liquidated most of my holdings.
The station's up for sale.
And as of the stroke of midnight tonight, I am officially retired.
Wait a minute.
Big Bird's not on our side? [.]
Okay, see here? That's the barber shop right there.
This here's the general store.
And about a half-mile down this road is my cabin.
It looks more like a-- A rustic convention center than a cabin.
No, no.
It's-- It's a cabin.
See, I bought 50 cabins and they took all the different parts from the 50 cabins to make-- Make one big-ass cabin.
See? Dave, you might want to look at this.
It's where Mr.
James is retiring to.
Yes.
Very big-ass, sir.
Yeah.
I thought so.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
So, what else? Oh, yeah.
Here is a picture of a cow on my property.
And here's another cow and another cow and another cow.
No, actually, sir, this one is a bull.
Oh, good eye, Dave.
Anyway, sir, don't you think you're a little bit young to retire? Well, I came to New York City to get rich.
I got rich.
I made it here, therefore, I can make it anywhere.
Done.
Peace.
I'm out.
But what about us? What about the station? Oh, you guys can get along fine here without me.
Well, sure.
I know that-- I said you guys can get along fine here without me.
No.
We need you here.
No, no, no, no.
Oh, sure you can.
Don't you think you'll get bored up there? Bored? How can I get bored and be spending 12 hours a day with tranquilizer guns, bulldozers moving these damn cows off my property? No, sir, it's actually easier to move them if you don't, uh, knock them out.
I did not know that.
Why don't you let Dave show you some of his old Four-H cowcalls? All right.
Uh, standard North American Holstein coming up.
Maybe another-- Maybe another time, son.
Uh, there's something you could do for me though.
Would you mind ID'ing these for me? My great pleasure, sir.
Thanks.
Dave, you're awfully nonchalant about this whole retirement thing.
Oh, that's just because he's not really retiring.
It's just some sort of a scam.
Uh, I don't think so.
I just have a feeling he's serious about this.
Uh-huh.
What makes you think that? Women's intuition.
Oh, you have women's intuition? No.
Well, I think you're wrong about this one.
He's just doing this to scare us into, I don't know, working harder or something.
You know, trust me, in a few days, it'll all blow over.
Well, what if you're wrong? Huh? Well, I'm not.
I'm not.
You know, he probably just wants us to maybe pitch in and get him a gold watch.
Something like that.
Yeah, or have Matthew jump out of a cake.
Mm-hm.
No.
Remember we did that for his 50th birthday party? That was Matthew? Yeah.
In-- In-- In a wig.
You were-- You were drunk.
Thank God.
[.]
This is just great.
What--? What are you talking about? Without Jimmy here, Dave is just gonna fire me the first chance he gets.
Why would Dave do that? Because he hates me.
Dave doesn't hate you.
Then why does he criticize my work all the time? Why does he shoot hate rays out of his eyes? Why doesn't he ever take me camping? Dave doesn't go camping.
Sure he does.
He takes me with him every weekend.
Sometimes twice.
Look, so what? You get fired.
You just get another job just like regular people do.
I'm not regular people.
The dude's got a point.
I'm not good at job interviews.
I stumble.
I stammer, uh, I-- I say stupid things.
It's like I'm a completely different person.
Yeah.
Actually, that's exact-- Joe? No.
Thank you.
No.
You're a secretary, Beth.
It's very easy for you to get by on a-- On a smile and a little jiggle.
Joe, same goes for you.
You know, I'm a reporter.
That-- That is white-collar work.
You know, you probably just need a little practice.
Oh, what do you mean? Well, Joe and I would be more than happy to set up a little mock-interview situation for you.
You would do that for me? Absolutely.
Sure.
Okay, thank you.
Okay.
All right.
You're welcome.
Thanks.
[BOTH SNICKER.]
Lisa, want to know what I think? No.
I think Jimmy's retiring.
I think you're right and Dave's wrong.
I know.
I'm really concerned about this and Dave What, were you eavesdropping on our conversation? No.
Beth was.
Well, Beth should not be eaves-- Okay.
We both were.
But that's my point.
We all got to stick together now.
You know what, Max? You're right.
You're right.
So here's the plan.
You go into the men's room.
Second stall.
Lock the door and sit.
Keep your eyes shut and your ears open.
Go.
Max, we're all counting on you.
I'm on it.
Good.
[.]
[SNIFFS.]
Is there a Mr.
Brick here? A Mr.
Brick? Right here.
It's Brock.
Mr.
Brick? Brock.
Oh.
Hello, Mr.
Brick.
Thank you for coming in for the interview.
Well, thank you for having me-- It'll be just a few more minutes.
We're running a little behind.
Take a seat, please.
Thank you.
May I help you? I'm here for the job interview.
And you are--? Matthew Brock.
[SIGHS.]
Brock, Brock, Brock Hold on a moment.
You might have it as Brick.
Ah, yes, I do.
Okay.
Well, I'm sorry, Mr.
Brick, but that position has been filled.
But I do thank you for your time and have a nice day.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
Damn it! Isn't there anything left for you to accomplish? Uh no.
Not really, no.
Now that I-- Now that I think about it though, I always saw myself having a, you know, a retirement party, speeches and all that stuff, but, nah, I guess maybe not.
We could do that.
Yeah, we could.
No, no, no.
Forget about it.
I was just-- Now that I'm actually retiring I kind of want to sort of just fade into the night.
It would just be more like a small dinner.
With lots of food.
I don't know.
Well, really, it would be more for us than for you, sir.
There will be dessert, correct? Though not for long.
What do you think? Okay.
Great.
Okay.
All right.
I just-- You know, I don't want to see Matthew pop out of a cake, give you a lap dance again.
[SIGHS.]
That was a test of your patience, which you passed with flying colors, I might add.
Yeah, it sure was a test.
You know, I've been sitting out here for 45 minutes.
Sometimes that happens.
Be prepared for stuff like that.
Whatever.
Ready for your interview? I guess so.
Well, we are rather busy if you'd like to reschedule.
No, I'm ready.
Very well.
Right this way, sir.
That's right.
I said sell, dude.
Sell.
Thanks, dude.
Mr.
Garrelli, Mr.
-- Brock.
Brock is here for the interview.
Nice to meet you, Mr.
Brock.
Please have a seat.
Oh, thank you.
Okay.
Thank you.
Take a seat.
Looking over your résumé here.
May I say I find it quite impressive.
Well, yeah, I-- I find that a hand-written résumé is a little more personal.
Let's see.
It says here that you worked as a reporter for WNYX for the last five years.
Why did you leave? Because Dave hates me.
Hm.
Well, of course, you do realize that this isn't a radio station? Oh, no.
I was under the impression that you were looking for reporters.
No, son.
This is NASA.
We're looking for people who are interested in space travel.
You are interested in space travel, aren't you? Oh, yeah.
Good.
I'm just gonna ask you a few questions if you don't mind? Oh, jeez.
Yeah, sure.
Okay.
Question number one: Have you ever been to the moon before? No.
No, I haven't.
Do you own your own NASA-approved space suit? Own? No.
No.
Well, we may be able to provide you with that.
I can't guarantee anything.
Possibly.
Doesn't look good.
Tell me, can you type? Type? Yeah.
Yes, I can.
In space? Yes.
How many words per minute? Well, my record is, like, eight.
But I would say more like five.
Now, are these minutes or space minutes? I do not know the answer to that question.
Okay, listen to this.
We take him to dinner and drinks.
Everybody gives a speech about how much he means to them.
He starts crying like a baby and he decides to stay.
It's as easy as one, two, three four five.
Well, I-- You know, I see two flaws in your plan.
Uh, one, I fear there may be a group hug involved, which would include me and Max.
Look, I will get between you and Max.
Oh, I wish I had known you were open-minded when we were dating.
Nobody is that open-minded.
See, the second flaw is that throwing a big dinner for him is the exact opposite of ignoring his phony retirement, which is the right way to handle this.
I mean, I-- I-- I just promise you if you just leave this thing alone, tomorrow he'll come in here and he won't even remember having said he would retire.
No.
I like my plan better.
One, two, three, four, five.
Okay.
But I don't think Matthew can count that high.
How do you feel? Not so good.
How are you feeling now? Not so good.
Well, you better get used to it.
Office furniture in space is very unstable.
Does this mean I get the job? How do you feel about working for minimum wage? That would be fine.
Welcome to NASA.
Okay.
All it is, is a sweet, little intimate dinner just to tell Mr.
James how much he means to us.
Oh, I get it.
Okay.
Yeah, and then he cries and then we cry, and then someone at the next table tells us to keep it down, and then somebody throws a glass.
Yeah, I-- I think it can work okay.
No.
Let's just ignore him and this whole thing will pass in a few days.
No.
I like my plan.
We're gonna go with my plan.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, if I may be the voice of experience here.
Look, the deadline for making new plans has long passed.
We're gonna go with this plan.
The one-two-three-four-five plan, which is my plan.
And it's a good plan.
Hear me, children.
You know not what awaits you in the years to come.
What? I don't know.
That's all I got.
Okay, thank you very much.
But could you all just please go to your desks and-- And just write a-- A simple little speech about how much Mr.
James means to you, becuase it's what the plan says and the plan must be followed.
Come on, people.
Look into your hearts.
Let's do this.
It'll be fun.
Dave? Yes, Matthew.
Hi.
Hi.
Listen, um how are you? I'm well.
Oh, this is not easy for me.
I'm not good at this.
But Dave-- That's all right.
Dave.
Dave.
What? What? Matthew, what? Dave.
Matthew, what? Joe and Beth were doing that thing where they pretend to be people and they were gonna send me on a space moon rocket up to the moon, and-- And-- And let's-- Let's face it.
I'm not astronaut material.
So can we just be friends and can you stop shooting hate rays out of your eyes? Well, Matthew, that's-- That is something that I will have to discuss with my ophthalmologist.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, Dave.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You are the best.
The best! [.]
Beth, I-- I thought we were just gonna push a few tables together.
I don't know about you, but I think a proper sendoff calls for a little bit more than that.
Okay, this is it, people! Cue lights.
[DRUMROLL PLAYS.]
BETH: Cue announcer.
MAX [OVER SPEAKERS.]
: And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's the Jimmy James Farewell Jubilee.
[ALL CLAP.]
Who are all these people? Oh, they're, uh, from The David Letterman Show, but I told them they had to come here first.
Yeah, hang on.
Yeah, you're on in five, four, three [MOUTHING.]
I'm very embarrassed.
Just roll with it, sir.
Yeah.
Hello and welcome to the Da-- The David Letterman preshow.
[APPLAUSE.]
Uh, and as-- As part of the preshow we are-- We are going to say goodbye to our good friend, Jimmy James.
[GROANS.]
Now, I know that everybody has prepared a little something to say.
So, Joe, you're up.
I'm not going first.
Lisa-- Lisa, I really, really didn't want my going-away party to be such a big deal.
I know, sir.
I'm really sorry.
But if you just try to ignore the lights and the music and the strangers and just listen to-- To what we have to say because we're all speaking from the heart and we really, really love you.
[GROANS.]
Joe! Uh, all right.
Uh, normally, I'm not one for toasts, but, uh, in Mr.
James' case, I'm gonna make an exception.
So here we go.
Mr.
James.
Yeah? Jimmy, salud.
Bottom's up.
[ALL APPLAUD.]
Joe? What? That's it? Yeah.
That's your speech? That was a good toast.
It sucked.
It kicked ass.
We will see whose ass gets kicked when we get back to the office.
Lisa, it was fine.
Joe, thank you, dude.
Salud.
Could we just get it over with? [SIGHS.]
I want to tell you a story about the best day that Mr.
James and I ever spent together in New York City, your favorite city, Mr.
James.
[JIMMY AND BETH SOBBING.]
BETH: So in one day Mr.
James and I were mugged in Central Park Yeah.
his foot got run over by a drunken cab driver, my cat fell 10 stories out of an apartment building, and I got evicted from my apartment because my rent was one day late.
[WAILS.]
One day.
And that is when Mr.
James turned to me and he said, "Beth, it's this city.
We've got to get out of this hellhole before it killed us.
" We will, Bethie.
We will, damn it.
[ALL CLAP.]
Okay.
My turn.
My turn.
Yeah, Okay.
JIMMY [SOBBING.]
It's all right.
It's okay.
Uh, anyway, I'm sorry about my voice.
I kind of lost it.
Uh, Mr.
James, I wrote a little song for you, and I want you to know it comes from my heart.
Yeah.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
A one, two, a three, a four.
[ACCORDION PLAYS.]
Some say the world is made For fun and frolic And Jimmy James And Jimmy James So raise a glass And drink a gin and tonic To Jimmy James The Jimmy James You know, this is turning out to be a very special evening.
You're half-loaded.
And you're not? Halfway doesn't do it for me anymore, Dave.
He's Jimmy James Everyone should know by now I sing of Jimmy James Yeah! [APPLAUSE.]
That was Hey, can I get a hold of that? You changed the words so that now my name's in the song.
Yeah! And now, ladies and gentlemen, for your viewing pleasure, please welcome the Three Dancing Matthews.
[ACCORDION PLAYS.]
Lisa, just Thanks.
You know, it-- It's not what I wanted, but I don't know.
It's been a hell of a sendoff.
It was supposed to be different.
So very different.
Yeah, can I ask you a question? Sure.
Is--? Isn't Dave gonna speak? Because, I mean, it's cool if he isn't.
No, of course, Dave's gonna speak.
Good.
We were just saving the best for last.
All right.
Dave? Hm? You got to get up there.
No, I haven't prepared anything.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Just be sincere.
No, no, no! No, I cannot follow the Three Dancing Matthews.
They were terrific.
Hey, Dave.
Oh, yay! This will be good.
He's the smart one.
[APPLAUSE.]
Uh [MUMBLES.]
Ah, there.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, uh, to the great game and to its grand master, Mister [GRUNTS.]
Jimmy James.
Now, Mr.
James, I don't always approve of your methods.
In fact, I very, very, very seldom understand them.
But, uh, you know, everything usually works out for the best, am I--? Am I right? Go, Dave.
[APPLAUSE.]
Whatever you're up to, sir, I just wish you'd, you know, get on with it because, uh, this, uh, phony tribute to your fake retirement has eaten up three hours of my life that I will never get back.
You know what? I'm gonna miss you most of all, you grumpy little bastard.
Oh, well-- [APPLAUSE.]
All right.
Uh, hey, kids-- Kids.
Anybody-- Anybody got a watch? Yeah.
It's-- It's, uh, Ten--? Well, damn, not to mention hell.
This little pumpkin is officially retired.
How about that? [CLEARS THROAT.]
All right.
Well, thank you.
Thank you all.
It's been a hell of a night, and I thank you all.
I'm sorry, sir.
No, don't mention.
Now, what did we learn from this? That's right.
Absolutely nothing.
But it-- It has been a hell of a night and I will cherish this memory forever.
Everybody get their glass up.
And salud.
See? Shut up.
Bye, guys.
Dave, he's-- He-- He's not really--? No, Matthew.
Of course not.
He's just bluffing.
I mean, you-- You really think he's gonna move to New Hampshire and hang out with cows? [.]