Spin City s05e21 Episode Script

Hey, Caitlin.
You're a little late.
I had breakfast with Tim.
I don't think that's all.
What are you implying? I'm implying your sweater's on backwards.
Can you do that again? I should've gotten a peek at something.
Hey, babe.
These are for you.
Violets! They're my favorite.
How did you know? We took that drive and you pointed to a field of violets and said, "those are my favorite.
" And you remembered.
He gets that for remembering? I went out with a girl on Saturday.
I didn't get anything for remembering to mail her bra back to her.
How many stamps did that take? Six.
Nice.
Isn't Caitlin's new boyfriend great? He's witty, charming, well-read.
Something about that guy rubs me the wrong way.
What? He's witty, charming, well-read.
He's one of these annoying know-it-alls who's always reminding you how smart he is.
As Tennyson once wrote knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers.
See? Annoying.
Good news, everyone.
Tim has generously commissioned an artist to sculpt a bust of me.
Now the city will remember me long after I'm cryogenically frozen.
We're having it made out of the finest alabaster from Italy.
As long as I don't end up looking like charlton heston.
Why would that happen? Because I look like charlton heston.
I don't see it.
Picture me in a loincloth being hosed down by apes.
I'm sorry, sir.
I can't get past the loincloth.
Thanks again, Tim.
I look like charlton heston.
Why wouldn't he get a portrait like every other mayor? I, like the romans, believe that a bust is the perfect way to immortalize a leader's accomplishments.
And I, like the taxpayers, think a bust is a waste of money.
Art is never a waste of money, and I think portraits are boring.
I'll take your word on what's boring.
Charlie, can I talk to you? One second, honey.
Charlie, I'm sensing you have a problem with Tim.
Me? No.
I think he's great.
Oh, come on.
I can tell something's bothering you.
Just be honest.
I won't be upset.
Okay, he's not my favorite guy.
How could he not be your favorite guy?! Why does this matter? It's important to me that you get along.
Why don't you come to dinner with us tonight? I don't want to be the third wheel.
Think of us as a tricycle.
That's not the threesome analogy that usually gets me on board.
I'm serious.
I haven't felt this way in a long time.
I mean, who knows? He may be the father of my Douglas, David, Donald, and Otis.
You've already named your kids? What can I say? I'm a planner.
Come on.
One dinner.
Look at him.
He just wants to be your friend.
That Charlie guy rubs me the wrong way.
Why? He's one of those macho guys who makes you feel bad because you read books.
It's like emerson once wrote knowledge is the antidote to fear.
That is annoying.
The job title is "efficiency consultant," and it's a one-month assignment.
I really appreciate your setting up this interview.
Just don't tell anyone you're my sister.
We wouldn't want anybody to think you're getting special treatment.
But don't worry.
You're a shoo-in.
You said the same thing when I auditioned for "West Side story.
" I'm sorry.
That was out of my hands.
You were the director.
We have been over this.
You didn't capture Maria's inner torment.
Uh, Paul lassiter, Stuart bondek, this is sherri fields.
How do you do? And like the two of you, I also just met her.
It's nice to meet you.
So, sherri, tell us a little bit about yourself.
Well, I, uh sherri spent five years managing a law office.
ThanksSherri.
It says here that you're fluent in Spanish.
"It says"? Do you think she made that up?! Next.
Do you have any other skills we should know about? Hey! I know what you mean by "special skills," and you are way out of line! Does she have any computer skills like quicken or excel? Oh.
Do you? Yes.
What can't she do? Welcome aboard.
Irasshaimase! Irasshaimase! Irasshaimase! Irasshaimase! "Irasshaimase" is Japanese for "welcome.
" Really? I always thought it meant "don't eat the eel.
" Isn't Charlie funny? Hysterical.
Thank you.
So, here we are.
My two favorite guys, my favorite restaurant good times.
Yep, good times.
So, you both have a lot in common.
You you both grew up here in the city.
What high school? Weston high.
Weston you had an excellent shop program.
I went to Fairmont.
Hmm.
Did you get a lot of action? It was all boys.
I know.
The California roll is great.
If I remember correctly, we beat you in soccer five years straight.
And we stole the wheels off your team bus five years straight.
Of course, the spicy tuna has its merits.
Can I get some extra wasabi? Me too.
I love spicy food.
I could eat this stuff straight.
So can I.
Bet I can down this first.
You're on.
You're acting like children.
No, we're not.
Mark, get set, go.
Sherri, you don't understand.
As press secretary, I have to expense my high-profile lunches.
High-profile? At taco tent? Sorry, no sale.
Look, it's also come to my attention that you've been hoarding office supplies.
I have never been so insulted.
I categorically deny that accusation! Then how do you explain this? That's not my hockey stick.
Why are you giving Paul such a hard time? Why do you call phone-sex numbers from city hall? Carry on.
This office is hemorrhaging money, and it's going to stop.
Let's say you forget this whole office-supply thing.
A "buy one, get one free" frozen-yogurt coupon might mysteriously find its way into your possession.
You're trying to bribe me with a free frozen yogurt? Well, you're gonna have to pay for the first one.
Done.
I win.
I can't feel my legs, but I'm the winner.
Yes, you are clearly a winner.
Charlie, you look green.
It's coming out of my pores.
Irasshaimase! Irasshaimase! This obviously isn't working.
Can we please get out of here? We can't just leave.
Charlie's sick.
He'll be fine.
Let's go.
I don't feel right leaving him.
We haven't even eaten yet.
I've lost my appetite.
I'll see you.
Tim, wait.
Irasshaimase! Irasshaimase! Shut up! What are you doing? What if Stuart comes? starting tomorrow.
He's at the office pulling an all-nighter.
Here's a little thank you for getting me the job.
Oh! Miles Davis! Oh, man, I love this.
Come on, let's go hang it in my room right now.
Oh, this is great.
I can't believe that sherri's blocking the phone-sex lines.
I don't know what she has against us.
She gets along with Carter.
They're best friends.
- Ooh.
- Oh, thank you so much, sherri.
Sherri?! This was a terrific surprise.
Yeah, well I've wanted to give it to you for a long time.
I don't believe this.
You should get out of here before Stuart comes home.
I hope the noise didn't disturb the neighbors.
Ah, it only lasted a few seconds.
Poor guy.
That's very common.
How's it going, sir? Take your filthy paws off me, you damn dirty ape! I'm sorry.
I don't see it.
You should get your eyes checked.
Caitlin I brought you cupcakes from magnolia bakery.
Go away.
With sprinkles.
Make it fast.
I'm sorry about last night.
Why did you have to turn it into a competition? It's a guy thing.
Why do whales beach themselves? Why? I don't know.
Ask Tim.
Hey, Caitlin.
Charlie.
Tim.
I brought you these who brought you those? HmmNo sprinkles.
Listen I'm sorry.
I left last night because I felt like I was competing for you, and now I'm sure of it.
Charlie wants you.
No, he doesn't.
You may not see it but I can, and it makes me uncomfortable.
What are you saying? I'm crazy about you, but I gotta be honest.
I can't be with you if Charlie's in the picture.
Tim! Let him go.
Trust me.
I know.
Well, thank you very much.
Because of how you acted Tim thinks you're into me.
You and me? That's crazy.
But he's really upset.
Why did you have to be competitive? When a Fairmont kid challenges you to a wasabi-eating contest, you don't back down.
And you're the one that dragged me to that dinner.
Now I know that was a mistake.
I can't believe Carter slept with a woman.
What could have made him change? Paul, it's obvious.
I've become a heterosexual role model for Carter.
His gayness was no match for my awesome chick-a-riffic lifestyle.
I've turned him on to women.
Or turned him off to men.
Hey, guys.
What's going on? Paul and I have something to tell you.
We know about you and sherri.
You do? We do.
And we think it's great.
That is such a relief.
I was confused about how to handle the situation.
Of course.
I mean, this is so new to you.
I've tried this before.
I couldn't get her into the right position.
Well, these things take time, Carter.
You gotta walk before you run.
Don't say anything to anybody else about it, okay? I don't want to jeopardize sherri's job.
Your secret about sleeping with sherri is safe with us.
Thanks.
What? W-wait a minute.
You guys think I'm sleeping with sherri? No, no, no.
Sherri is my yeah, yeah, you got me.
You can't pull one over on us, Carter.
No, you can't.
You guys are way too sharp.
Hi, I'm not sure I'm in the right place.
I was contacted by a chip scarsdale, who wanted me to lecture on Roman art and its cultural significance.
Chip's right over there.
Tim, we have to talk.
You're wrong about me.
She's my friend, and that's it.
How come I always feel like you're competing against me? Because I don't like being shown up.
You come into city hall and you impress everyone with your money and your intelligence and your knowledge of Portuguese marble.
No, it's Italian alabaster.
There's a huge difference.
You just can't not do that, can you? Sorry.
It's just that when I feel threatened, I tend to get a little pedantic.
It's just not easy for me to date Caitlin when she's friends with this cool guy with great hair.
My secret? Alcohol-free gel.
It gives enough hold? You tell me.
The point is, Caitlin wants to be with you not me.
Really? Yes.
I'm not the one she wants marriage and kids with.
She really said that? You, with the four boys, the house in Connecticut.
Wow.
Yeah, she's a planner.
I just don't think it's saying what I want it to say.
Decades from now, when people look at this sculpture, I want them to see a leader, a visionary, a manWho would triumph in a grueling chariot race.
I don't think I follow.
Come into my office.
We're going to watch a little biblical epic.
Hey, Carter.
Is Caitlin in yet? No.
Didn't you hear? Tim broke up with her last night.
What? They were going too fast.
How's she taking it? I think she'll be okay.
I told her to put it behind her and get a fresh start.
That's not what I had in mind.
Aren't you gonna say something about my hair? Why, did you do something different with it? Oh, this is just great! First Tim dumps me, and now I look like I should be in aerosmith.
I don't know what went wrong.
You have to learn to communicate with your stylist.
I'm talking about Tim.
He got this crazy idea that I'm dying to get married and have kids.
I mean, where did that come from? Well, this is a funny story.
Last night Tim and I were having drinks, and I-I may have mentioned marriage and kids.
What about the house in Vermont? That wasn't me.
I said Connecticut.
You can't say stuff like that to a guy I just started dating! It'll scare him off! Carter, stop staring at my hair! So How'd you like your first straight evening out? All-you-can-eat chicken wings and a lap dance for only $45.
What's not to like? This is just the beginning.
Tomorrow night a calendar signing for the women of wrestling.
Those broads are totally hot.
What do you think? About what? Being straight.
Think you might be interested in signing up full-time? I-I'm not sure.
Tell you what Let's make a list of the pros and cons of being gay.
Okay.
Pro a keen sense of style.
Con sleeping with men.
Pro women don't mind taking clothes off in front of you.
Con sleeping okay, okay, look.
Stuart I can't take this.
This is all a misunderstanding.
Sherri is my sister.
Oh.
People don't turn straight overnight.
I'm a gay man.
That's who I am.
That's what I'm comfortable with.
Look, I know I should've told you about sherri at the very beginning, but let's try to be honest with each other.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
And now that we're being honest Have you ever seen Caitlin take her clothes off? Yes, I have.
What's she look like naked? Honestly? You'll never know.
What are you doing here? Caitlin told me to meet her.
Same thing.
Why are women so confusing? I don't know.
Why do whales beach themselves? Actually, there are two competing theories.
Not now.
What's going on? Sit down.
Yes? What happened to your hair? The two of you happened to my hair, and right now we're gonna set the record straight.
You break up with me based on information from this idiot? She's got a point.
And you where do you get off playing couples counselor? I was just trying to help.
What if a girlfriend started about marriage and babies? Well, I've always had good luck with faking my own death.
So, Caitlin, you don't want any of those things? Someday not right now.
We have something special, and I'd just like to see where it goes.
You're right.
I should have never listened to this idiot.
Hey.
She called you an idiot.
It's different.
She knows me.
I'm just repeating what she shut up! Both of you, shut up! Do you want to be my boyfriend? Yes, please.
All right.
You're my boyfriend.
And you? You're my friend friend.
Got it? Yeah.
Yeah.
Got it.
You, come with me.
What should I do? You just sit there and think about what you did.
She's not the boss of me.
Oh, hey, Charlie.
Oh, my God! Look who it is! Oh! I've been a fan oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, sir.
I thought you were charlton heston.
That's all right, Paul.
I get that all the time.
Sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.