The Goldbergs s05e21 Episode Script

1 ADULT ADAM: Growing up, I was obsessed with Mel Brooks.
He was a true comedic genius who mastered the movie parody.
Naturally, my favorite was Spaceballs, a brilliant satire of Star Wars, led by the legendary Rick Moranis.
He introduced the galaxy's most bumbling Darth Vader, aptly named Dark Helmet.
I can't breathe in this thing! (IMITATING DARTH VADER BREATHING) ADULT ADAM: I not only memorized every line of Spaceballs, but I made sure I looked the part, too.
This was a weekend well spent.
Seriously, how am I not the most popular guy at school? That's what I keep asking kids when I go to pick you up.
Mystery solved.
ADULT ADAM: Like any true fan, I made it my mission to start a Mel Brooks club, and nothing would stand in my way.
- No.
- This is crazy.
Every week, I come in here trying to get a new club going, and you always shut me down.
How can you say no to a school-sponsored Mel Brooks Appreciation Club? Let's just add it to the list.
The Ed Grimley Club, the Q-Bert Club, the Garbage Pail Kids Kids, The Highlander Society.
But guess what, no one joined those clubs except for you.
To be fair, there can be only one.
- See what I did there? - No.
No one knows what you're talking about.
And that's why we need my club.
To educate people on awesome things.
Fine.
But you need to have at least three members, and one has to be a girl.
Jackie! Huge news! My freshly-minted Mel Brooks Club needs a Princess Vespa.
I would love to, but I'm swamped with the school paper.
Damn it.
This is gonna be harder than I thought.
I have no choice but to comb the hallways for members.
I love how confident you are in your bad jokes.
I'll join your Spacenuts Club, but only if I can be treasurer and hold all the money, which will go missing, along with that big-ass comb.
Just take the comb.
Yes.
I'm gonna do so many things.
I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day ADULT ADAM: It was May 9th, 1980-something, and my sister had decided to drop out of college to pursue music full time with her best gal pals.
Seriously, dropping out of college to start the world's greatest girl band was, like, the best idea we've ever had.
I know.
It feels so good to finally be free of this prison where we have to learn stuff and party all weekend and wake up at noon.
Honestly, it was like a weight was lifted after I told my dad I left fashion school.
- So it went well? - No, he cried.
Like an ugly cry, where you gulp for air.
Well, my dad said I'm cut off and can't ever move back.
Which reminds me, I'm homeless and scared.
Don't worry.
We'll get a place in Philly and live together so we can practice and get in nasty fights that'll fuel our songwriting.
So, your parents are actually on board with this? My parents get it.
(CHUCKLES) They will When I tell them.
- What? - You, like, suck.
Relax.
My plan's always been to tell them face-to-face when they come up for parents' weekend.
- Enough stalling! - You, like, suck! - Today's the day! - You're right.
The moment they step on campus, I'm dropping the bomb.
- Schmoopie! - Kiddo! Hey! Sorry, can't do it.
- Howdy, girls.
- Yeah, hello, hello, hello.
Let's just go to your room.
I gotta sit down.
You just sat for the last three hours.
Driving isn't sitting! Take me to your dorm.
You know what? Who wants to sit in a lame dorm when it's parents' weekend? There's a faculty mixer and Frisbee golf in the quad.
There's even an improv show! Wouldn't mind sharing a few laughs with Yuk Yuk Goose.
Oh, no, forget it.
Well, time for a tour! Come on.
Let's go this way.
(CHUCKLES) So sorry.
- You have to tell them! - You're a traitor.
Okay, come on! ADULT ADAM: As Erica stalled on breaking the news, things were revving up at our school paper.
Okay, guys, no more fluff pieces.
I want hard-hitting stories, shocking exposes, and fiery op-eds.
What do you got? The price of tater tots in the cafeteria has skyrocketed.
Where's all that extra dough going? Good! Follow the money! Next! I can tackle the recent scandal in Coach Mellor's health class.
Hey, nobody told me I had to do a whole unit on weenies! - Anyone else? - Hey-o! (CHUCKLES) It's me.
Sorry to intrude.
Goldfarb! Hit the bricks.
This is newspaper staff only.
Actually, I've got something super important and need to get the word out.
You're thinking of joining the paper? Just hoping you'd print this on the back page, along with the ads and word jumble.
Oh, my God! Adam, this is fantastic! Look, you guys! This is exactly what this paper needs, a political cartoonist! - Uh, whuzzanuh? - Oh, man! He's using Darth Vader as a commentary on Reagan's destruction of our environment! We are not printing this smear piece, commie! Ronald Reagan's an American hero, and he created the Presidential Physical Fitness Test with his bare hands! Uh, I feel like I should have been a little bit clearer on the information I was trying to convey.
Oh, we're printing this, Coach.
It's called freedom of the press.
I do love freedom.
Damn it! You can proceed! You did it, buddy! Did I? I had no idea that you cared about any of this stuff, but I'm so glad to know that you do.
ADULT ADAM: Turns out, my girlfriend had been waiting for me to show my passion for politics.
Just one problem I had none.
Since when are you political, bro? Since never, Dave Kim! That was an ad for my Mel Brooks Club.
I've always been aggressively non-political, mostly 'cause it's boring and bums me out.
That makes way more sense.
It's fine.
It's a stupid cartoon in the back of a paper.
No one will even notice.
This is very noticeable.
And so my love of Mel Brooks had been mistaken as a political statement.
Oh, balls! Or, in my case, Spaceballs.
But that day, things were even worse for Erica.
They have cocktail shrimp on ice and tiny corns on the cob.
Ooh, I feel like such a fancy academic.
Well, I'm gonna get back some of that tuition money in shrimp.
- Ooh! - You take your time.
Chew slowly.
Let's talk now while Dad's feeding.
And remember, we are in public, which means you can't freak out on me.
- Boopie, what's wrong? - Nothing.
I actually have really great news, which is I'm dropping out of college to start a girl band with my friends.
I just remembered I don't wanna be here for this.
No, you stay! I need you here supporting me on this like you always do.
But you know who believes in me more than anyone? My mama.
Right? You're gonna kill your father.
No, don't do your whole I'm-killing-Dad guilt routine! You're gonna kill your father dead right where he stands.
Mom, this is my dream in life.
So it's your dream to kill your father dead with your bad decisions? That's your big dream? Pops, I really need you here, man.
You just killed your father.
What are you doing? You gotta support me like you always do.
You want me to support you killing your father? Bevy, put this in your food purse.
Erica's ditching college to form a band.
- No.
- Well, look at that.
Dad's still alive and oddly calm, considering I'm dropping out.
The reason I'm so calm is because it's not happening, moron.
I was a deadbeat loser before college.
It turned my life around.
And dropping out was the biggest regret of my life.
I could have been a lawyer.
She could have been a lawyer! And I didn't because no college! It's like you're trying to kill me dead right where I stand! This is a disaster! I could have been a lawyer! She could have been a lawyer! So much for not screaming in public.
ADULT ADAM: Yep, my parents hadn't taken Erica's news well.
Meanwhile, I was doing everything I could to stay out of the headlines.
No kids in the teachers' lounge.
This is where we go to be regular people.
I I need a place to hide out.
People are trying to engage me about politics.
- You? - Please just let me in.
Trust me, nobody reads that paper.
Yo, Goldnerd! What's with this leftist load of crap you put in the paper? Oh, no, you've pissed off the self-righteous Alex P.
Keaton Club! Okay, there's been a little misunderstanding here.
See, this president's from the movies.
Don't belittle Reagan 'cause his humble roots are in acting.
The Gipper rules! Yo, Ad! Awesome the way you slammed Reagan! We really are living in the Empire! Oh, no! You've also attracted the whining liberal Democrats! Back off, Dave Sirota.
There's no free handouts for you and your lefty leeches.
Says the dude who supports a jelly-bean lover out to destroy the planet.
It's a smear campaign.
It is not.
It's genius.
This paper is biased.
Oh, meet your stupid president! Okay, enough! This is a Quaker school, not the Senate floor.
All right, come on, guys.
Let's get to class.
Quick, hide in the teachers' lounge.
But plug your nose.
Someone heated up crab rangoon.
Adam! Can you believe it? Everyone either hates or loves you.
You're so badass and polarizing.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Classic me doing me stuff, right? I even showed your cartoon to my parents, and guess what They wanna have you over for dinner.
Dinner with Lynn and Vinny? That's a huge deal.
Wait.
You haven't met her parents yet? What's the deal with that? Actually, I was kinda wondering that myself.
Mmm, no, Adam, you did meet my parents.
You guys had a nice chat after the musical.
You mean when I was dressed like Rum Tum Tugger from Cats? Oh, I see what this is.
They think you're a dweeb, and Jackie doesn't wanna prove them right.
I'm sure that's not it at all.
No, he's right.
My parents were hippies at Queens College, and my dad was arrested protesting the war.
Hmm, I thought that only happened in the movies.
Look, I was worried that you guys wouldn't have anything to talk about over dinner, but this cartoon changes everything.
Yes! I I can't wait to show your parents just how much I know about politics.
You could bring all of your drawings over for dinner and impress them all over again.
(CHUCKLES) What a lovely evening.
(CHUCKLES) Ohh, balls.
ADULT ADAM: Or, again, in my case, Spaceballs.
Yep, Erica was dropping out.
That is, until my mom decided to fix it.
Okay, okay, no need to panic.
I will just do my mama thing and threaten whoever's responsible.
Mom, this isn't high school.
There's no way to fix this.
Trust me, Mama can fix anything.
I don't even have books or a meal plan anymore.
I cashed it all in to fund our band's demo.
Mama can fix that.
But I don't even have a room next year! Mama can fix that.
I skipped the housing lotto for a gig in New York.
(QUIETLY) Mama can fix it.
I also skipped finals, which isn't ideal because I'm already on academic probation, which means I'm more failing out than dropping out.
Mama can fix I also never wear flip-flops in the shower, so my feet are not good.
Oh, for (BLEEP) sake, Erica! You have purposely made this unfixable! I'll fix it.
Fix it how? How is he moving so fast on a bad foot? Your father's been activated.
It's a combo of aggravation, frustration, and rage so powerful it makes him the most determined man on the planet.
Look at him go! ERICA: How is he across the quad already? Is he climbing stairs? He's climbing stairs two at a time, and without a rail.
Even stairs can't stop him when he's activated.
ADULT ADAM: As my activated dad went to fix Erica's bad decisions, I was starting my career as an activist.
Hey, guys? Sorry to interrupt your Tetris-ing, but I'm trying my hand at political satire, and I could really use a little feedback.
- What you got? - Okay, so, my first one's all about how people protest injustice.
So then I thought, "You know who's really got it bad? Pizza.
" And you know who's always eating pizza? The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
So, the slices, like, rise up in protest.
Oh, this is good.
- I knew it.
- This is real good.
Uh, what What is this for, exactly? I'm having dinner with Jackie's parents and have to show them that I'm a smart guy who knows stuff about the world and politics and junk.
Oh, boy.
You're gonna need some others.
For sure! See, here we got lasagna protesting Garfield.
'Cause he loves lasagna.
Slam dunk, dude.
Um, do you have any different concepts aside from a food protesting the thing that eats it? No, but I do have this.
That's Baby Ruth picketing Sloth from The Goonies.
This is the one! You for sure show this to Jackie's parents! - Please don't.
- Kudos.
No, my point is, you got to watch the news, read the paper, be able to discuss things that aren't The Goonies.
He's not getting it, Adam.
Let me explain.
See, Sloth eats Baby Ruths, like, all the time.
- I get it.
- Do you? 'Cause an entire line of candy dies out, and you just want them to sit there and take it! Keep sticking your head in the sand, sheep! If Sloth is left unchecked, there are no more Baby Ruths! How are you not getting this? - I do get it.
- Do you? Yeah, you should probably teach me some of the basics.
Yeah.
Um, why is all our stuff back here? Erica's father's been activated, sweetie.
This is crazy! Dad's been gone for 45 minutes! How on Earth can one person do so much so fast? That's what happens when a father gets activated.
Stop saying "activated" like it's a thing.
Clearly, it is.
All our stuff's back here.
How? Murray sweet-talked the head of the housing office, then got a bunch of hacky-sacking kids to bring everything back for a plate of nachos.
But Erica dropped all her classes.
Then he went to the registrar, lobbed a few threats, greased a few palms, and Boom Your class schedule for the next year.
But I failed out.
The dean literally asked me to leave.
Then he saw the dean and begged and pleaded and even shed a few tears.
- You cried? - I did what I had to do.
So, what, you just want me to give up on my dream? Trust me, I know from experience you have to see this through.
It's too important.
I'm gonna take a nap.
Please, just listen to our first song.
I know you'll see that this is what I'm meant to do.
- (SNORES) - Gross.
How are you already asleep? Your father's been deactivated, sweetie.
He won't wake for another two to sixteen hours.
His feet are on your pillow.
(SNORING CONTINUES) I'm just a bill, yes, I'm only a bill Schoolhouse Rock! This is perfect! That piece of paper has a little briefcase like a human! I totally get politics now.
You really should read The New York Times, but I think this is more your speed.
ADULT ADAM: Armed with political knowledge, I took on dinner with Jackie and her parents.
No, all I'm saying is I didn't get arrested for protesting at Queens College to have the country run like this.
If we did it your way, we'd never get anything done.
Guys, behave.
No, I actually agree.
Sometimes a bill just waits around on those Capitol Hill steps forever.
My point exactly, Adam.
These things take time.
Tell him.
Tell her, Adam.
Tell her what happens when a bill just languishes.
Uh, yes, what does happen next? Uh (SOFTLY) I'm just a bill Yes, I'm only a bill Adam? Is that Schoolhouse Rock? No.
- 'Cause it sounds likeSchoolhouse Rock.
- Does it? Yes, it sounds like you don't know about basic government, so you're singing Schoolhouse Rock to remind yourself.
No.
It's, uh, no.
Hey, you know what would be fun? Adam, why don't you show us some new cartoons that you made for the paper? Maybe after dinner? Listen, you wanna stir things up with your drawing? You should hit Star Wars.
Vinny, stop.
Last thing Adam needs is to hear you rant about Star Wars and overblown budgets.
ADULT ADAM: By pure fate, the conversation suddenly pivoted to the one topic that I could debate like a pro.
No, no, no.
I promise you I can convince anyone to love Star Wars.
All right, I can see you're a man of passion, like myself.
Convince me.
Unfortunately, Jackie's parents were arguing about this defense system from the '80s nicknamed Star Wars.
I only knew about the other one.
(IMITATES LASER FIRE) Look! It's Han and Chewie! (IMITATES LASER FIRE) They came back to help the rebels! 'Cause what's more important than space money? Friendship.
(AS YODA) Do or do not.
There is no try.
(NORMAL VOICE) Never underestimate tiny bears! Open the blast doors! Open the blast doors! (IMITATES BLASTER FIRING) While IG-88 didn't play a huge role in the movie, he did get his own action figure.
See? It shows that everyone in the galaxy is important.
(AS C-3PO) Oh, no! They're dying, R2! (IMITATES SHIP FLYBY) (NORMAL VOICE) And Luke's all, "Aah!" And then Vader chucks the Emperor down the reactor chute, and we realize there's still good in us! And that, my friends, is why Star Wars is the best.
They're talking about a missile-defense system.
Good stuff.
ADULT ADAM: That night, Jackie's parents saw the real me.
And the next morning, the real me had some explaining to do.
Yeah, we gotta talk about last night.
Oh, is that whole thing still on everyone's mind? Adam, what happened to the guy who drew that political cartoon? Jackie, that guy doesn't exist.
He never has.
It was just a flier for my Mel Brooks Club.
So, you lied to me? Of course I did.
You looked so relieved and happy when you thought I was Mr.
Politics Man.
Adam, you don't have to pretend to be somebody you're not just to make me happy.
You admitted that I was too embarrassing to meet your parents! No, that's not how I meant it.
No, it is.
Look, I tried to be political, and I sucked.
But when I'm not political, I'm just not good enough.
So I can't win no matter who I am.
ADULT ADAM: Even though Jackie knew I wasn't much for politics, my work was still being boycotted.
Hey! Goldnerd! Oh, man, now what? You and me, bro.
Lunchroom debate on foreign policy Lincoln-Douglas style, no moderator.
Lincoln who? What's happening? Oh, you are so on! Goldberg's gonna tear you apart! I'm not debating anyone! Let me say this once and for all.
My drawing was about the bumbling president from Spaceballs! Damn right! Reagan's bumbled his way through his whole presidency.
And that is exactly why I hate politics! There is no debate with you people.
You've just made up your mind and refuse to listen! So, our side wins, then? There is no side! ADULT ADAM: What happened next surprised even me.
I reached down deep and gave the greatest, most awkward non-political speech ever delivered.
Look, I'm just a simple dude who likes movies and puppet-based sitcoms.
That's what I wanna do with my life.
Make people happy with clean family fun.
Yes, it's super lame.
But it also helps bring people together! I don't see that happening, man.
But it can.
'Cause no matter what side you're on, there's one thing we can all agree on, and that's that Mel Brooks is freaking hilarious! Agreed! He's done the finest fart work ever committed to the silver screen.
Gotta admit I do love Young Frankenstein.
ADULT ADAM: It's pronounced "Fronk-en-steen," but not the point.
That day, I helped everyone find some common ground.
And I finally founded my first club.
ERICA: I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say ADULT ADAM: 'Cause even the toughest debates can be won if you open up your heart and listen.
Don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day Catchy stuff.
I know.
Doesn't mean I can let her throw her future away.
Unless this is her future.
I just always wanted Erica to do what I never could and finish college.
Dad, look at me.
My kids are all grown up, and I'm searching for who I am.
Last thing I want is for her to end up like me, you know? But Erica's not searching.
She's found what she wants.
ADULT ADAM: In that moment, it was my mom who got activated, and when that happens - (TIRES SCREECH) - there's no stopping her.
But nonetheless, I feel the need to say Mom, why are you back? I listened to your song, schmoo.
And you were right.
It's great.
And you need to give this a shot.
But you said that finishing college is the only thing that matters.
Well, this really isn't about me.
What about Dad? He's gonna flip.
Mama will fix it.
Now I'm twisted up inside I hope.
ADULT ADAM: Truth is, it's easy to let our differences drive us apart.
It's not so hard to remember we all have so much in common.
Whoa! Your club still looking for a Princess Vespa? What about the newspaper? I figured I could use a little fun.
That's why I'm with you, you know.
Because you make me laugh.
The world could use more people like you.
No, the world needs you.
I mean, you inspired me so much.
I actually learned how a law becomes a bill because of you.
Bills become laws.
We'll just listen to the song again.
You know, our club is about to have a little field trip.
You in? My childhood in the '80s was a magical time.
For me, it wasn't about the president or politics.
It was about the movies that shaped me, the laughter we shared, the Schwartz in all of us.
This is terrible! Do something! Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big? (LAUGHTER) ADAM: Man, the president is such a dope! Dude.
Chill, I'm talking about the movie.
Seriously, how do people not get it? - - Now, there's a show on ABC called The Goldbergs.
- WOMAN 1: Oh, yeah.
- You know, about my family.
- And - (LAUGHTER) - the creator's taking heat - because they say he's criticizing the president when, in fact, he's cr He was criticizing the president from Spaceballs.
- WOMAN 1: Yeah.
- WOMAN 2: Look at the hashtag! - WHOOPI: I mean, it's - WOMAN 2: It's very clear! (DOOR CREAKS OPEN) What the (BREATHING HEAVILY) - Dark Helmet? - Take my hand, Adam F.
Goldberg.
Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son.
- (MUSIC STOPS) - Dude, you're not my dad.
Oh, yeah? Then explain this! ADAM: No! That's impossible! I will never join you! (EPIC MUSIC PLAYS) Oh, I see your Schwartz has grown.
I'm in high school now.
Yeah, I was a late bloomer myself.
Now die! - Oh! Aah! - - ADAM: What's this? - DARK HELMET: Uh, nothing.
Spaceballs II.
Oh, it's just a little script I'm noodling with.
It's stupid.
Actually, I'm super proud of it.
Read it if you want.
I don't care.
You know what? I'd love to act it out for you.
And so Pizza the Hutt says, "Dark Helmet wins the intergalactic ski race!" And I'm like, "You know it.
" Then all my subjects cheer, and the princess is like, "Kiss me already.
" And I do.
(SMOOCHES) Awesome! I give you my word.
I will get this made.
Oh, stop.
Take my hand, Dark Helmet! Join me, and together we can make this sequel! (GASPS) Ohh, my little Schmoopie's having a bad dream.
No! This is my nightmare!