The New Adventures of Old Christine s05e21 Episode Script

So, what movie are we watching tonight? Max is picking up a movie on his way over.
What? No! It's going to be French or Dutch or something that got nominated for Best Costume.
Oh, give him a chance.
It's nice for us to do something highbrow every once in awhile.
I'm even serving my nine-dollar bottle of wine.
All I'm saying is if he brings another movie starring a violin, I'm leaving.
You guys are going to love this documentary I got.
There's this family that's been making shoes for over 600 years in the same small hamlet in Denmark.
This is their story, as told by their blind neighbor.
I can't do it.
Guys, I'm kidding.
Would I do that to you? I rented Meatballs! And got meatball subs.
You did a theme night? Oh, my God.
I love you.
I love him, too.
I loved him first.
Hey, guys.
What are we doing? Max brought a movie over for movie night.
Good night.
No, no, no! It's Meatballs.
Good movie.
Hey, where's the baby? I thought you were bringing her over.
I was going to, but New Christine was feeding her.
I'll bring her over next time.
Christine won't let you hold the baby, will she? What? Why would you say that? Of course not.
Did you talk to her? You know, a lot of new mothers are overprotective.
Yeah, remember how I was with Ritchie? Very protective.
I wouldn't let him out of my sight.
Where is Ritchie? I think someone took him to Disneyland.
Oh I've got to take this.
It's Tony.
I won't be long.
Set up the movie.
We better get watching if you also want to see Meatballs 2.
I just love how he fits in with our group.
That's not easy.
people hate us.
I hate us.
What are his friends like? I don't know.
I haven't met them yet.
That's a little weird.
No, it's not.
He just hasn't gotten around to introducing me yet.
He loves me.
Everything is perfect.
And I'm sure he'll introduce me to his friends soon.
It's not like he's embarrassed of me, you know? Why would he be embarrassed of me? Aah! Hot! Hot! Oh! That! Why are you registering for gifts when you han't even set a de for your wedding yet? So people will know what to bring me at my surprise engagement party.
Who's throwing you a surprise engagement party? You are.
Surprise.
I'm not throwing you a party.
I'm busy.
I have a business to run.
Your business.
Oh, come on.
Barb, please? I mean, I need to meet Max's friends so he'll know that there's nothing to be nervous about.
And you know what? If you do it, then you can pick out anything you want here and I'll register for it.
Fine, I'll take this crystal peacock.
You know how bad I always wanted one of those.
Okay, Matthew, I'm going to need you to steal Max's phone, and go into his contacts and text all of his friends.
And then, replace his phone without him knowing.
And if you get caught, you don't know me.
I wish I didn't know you.
Listen, I'm not helping you with your crazy scheme.
All right, fine.
Then Max and I won't get married and you and I can grow old together.
Okay, here's the plan.
Every day, Max talks with his mother between 11:00 and 12:00.
His mother? Oh, no.
Yeah, and then he writes in his journal for about a half hour after that.
His journal? Oh, no.
Yeah, then he takes a very long walk, and he leaves his phone behind him on his desk.
That's when I'll get his friends' numbers.
You know, you could have just told me the part about the walk.
Yeah, and you could've just asked to me his friends.
We don't do things the easy way.
Wasn't expecting this many people.
I figured Max had as many friends as Christine does, so I only bought one pizza and a 12-pack.
Oh, hey, you brought the baby.
If you brought any baby food, why don't you go ahead and sit it out on the counter.
We can use it as dip.
Can I hold her? No.
You can't even look at her.
She's sleeping.
And she's a light sleeper.
The reason I know that is because I'm her dad and I'm allowed to hold her.
Hey, everybody, Christine is on her way up the driveway.
Should we yell "surprise"? No.
You'll wake the baby.
Oh, and if you already had a slice of pizza, that's it.
What did you guys do? We threw you a surprise engagement party just like you asked.
Max, look at what they did! All of our friends are here: Barb and Matthew and, and Well, that's all I know.
I texted all your favorites from your phon and invited them.
That explains why my Chinese food delivery guy is here.
You knew about this? Yeah, well, I thought it would be a great opportunity to meet some of your friends, since you know all mine-- Barb and Matthew and Okay, well, we're here.
Let me, uh, introduce you.
Okay, oh! Is Tony here? I want to meet your best friend.
Uh, yeah, yeah, Tony's talking to my locksmith.
Uh, I'll, I'll go get her.
"Her"? Tony's a girl? Now, don't freak out.
Men can be friends with women.
No, I know, Matthew.
I'm not going to freak out.
I know men can be friends with women.
I have a lot of male friends.
You and Christine, I would like for you to meet Tony.
Finally, I get to meet Christine.
I was starting to think he was embarrassed of me.
It is so nice to meet you.
I've heard, literally, everything about you.
Oh, it is so nice to meet you, too.
I've heard, literally, nothing about you.
Well, good.
Who wants to hear stories about someone's ex-wife? Ex-what? What? Tony's my ex-wife.
Did I not mention that? This is a good surprise party.
Max, can I pull you away from your ex-wife just for a minute? You don't mind, do you, Tony? Help yourself to some pizza and beer.
Ah, bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.
Max! What the hell? What? I cannot believe that the person you are calling every day is your ex-wife.
You're not jealous of my friendship with Tony, because that would be really hypocritical.
You have conversations with your ex-husband while we're having sex.
Oh, well, come on, I needed him to TiVo something.
I-I just, I just think that it's weird that you didn't mention it.
Okay, look, I was avoiding having you two meet, because I was afraid you wouldn't get along.
What?! I get along with everybody.
Ask any of my friend.
It's not you.
Tony's not easy.
You know, she's intimidating.
She's trilingual.
She's a published author.
She got her first PhD when she was 19.
So what? I got my first period when I was 14.
Well, she's finally met her match.
Yeah, and you know, just so you know, I did trilingual once in college, too, but it's not something that I go bragging about at parties.
Marly and Lindsay, what are you doing here? Well, we were invited.
Barb called us and told us to show up at 7:00 and bring our own peacock.
Oh, and look, Lindsay, the party is just as lovely as the invitation.
What's my locksmith doing here? What could they be talking about this whole time? I mean, Max and I can't get through three minutes of conversation without one of us putting a hand down the other's pants.
You two have something special.
You really think so, Barb? Yeah, I won't shake either of your hands.
I mean, what could be so interesting over there? Why are you just standing here? Go and get in on it.
Go show that woman where your hand belongs.
Richard? What's going on? What are you wearing? What's happening on your front? This is my baby.
Wow, I've never seen a white man hold a baby before.
W-Why are you doing it? Because I'm allowed to.
Because I'm her dad and New Christine totally trusts me with her.
Um, it was a rhetorical question.
I'm only talking to you 'cause my locksmith's in the bathroom, so Oh Okay, what's going on? I have faked enough pregnancies to know when something's up.
What are you talking about? Nothing's up.
She's sleeping.
Oh, gross.
Oh, no.
What? Boy Hey look, don't tell anyone.
New Christine doesn't trust me with the baby.
I wouldn't even trust you with a doll.
I'm just tired of people making fun of me, so I brought this fake one to show what a good dad I am.
Oh.
Perfect plan.
No, you're wrong.
Once the prefrontal cortex has developed, there's no changing the synapse structures of the brain.
I mean, how can you possibly believe that psychotherapy can change physiology? Show me your research.
I've shown you my research.
The New England Journal of Medicine has shown you their research.
You are so stubborn.
Hey, what are you guys talking about? Ah, nothing.
Something incredibly boring.
Oh, I doubt that.
What is it? The physical manifestations of psychotherapy on the structures of the cerebral cortex.
Boring? What, are you kidding me? I just read an article about that on my AOL home page.
Really, because I'd be interested in your opinion.
Do you think that cognitive behavioral therapy is capable of changing the brain's physiology? Well, I personally believe that the brain is a complicated situation, such as that doesn't exist with therapy and the like, such as physiology and the like, so Good job, sweetie.
Hey, Barb, this party sucks.
Hey, I almost spent $16 on this party.
I just made a complete fool of myself.
I had no idea what they were talking about.
They were using all these big words like "cortex" and "such as"" I know that that Tony was doing it on purpose.
She was trying to make me look bad in front of Max.
Well, why do you let her do that to you? Well, because I don't know anything about psychology, and science and the like.
And why should you? That's what they do for a living.
Go talk about something you know.
Yeah.
You can say what you want about Russell, but never has a player in the history of Survivor found three immunity idols without a single clue, okay? And I will even go on record saying that it is never gonna happen again.
Now, Amazing Race, on the other hand, that Um I'm gonna have to stop you right there.
I don't even own a TV.
What?! Oh, my God! Who doesn't own a TV? Wow! How do you keep up with the Kardashians? God, I don't think I could live without my TV.
Well, maybe you should consider it.
There have actually been several studies Oh, here we go.
She's gonna cite the Feltheim study, which was flawed from the get-go.
It wasn't flawed.
The studies clearly showed there's a diminished attention span among children who watch more than three hours of television a day.
Did it say anything about people who watch six hours? I think you're fine.
Uh-oh There you are.
I've been looking for you for ten minutes.
Really? 'Cause I've been out here for 45 minutes.
Sorry.
Tony and I got into a thing.
She will never admit she's wrong.
And since I'm never wrong, there's no end to the conversation.
Really? Why don't you just have sex with her then? What? What are you talking about? I don't want to sleep with Tony.
When we were married, I didn't want to sleep with Tony.
We weren't compatible that way.
Mostly she was a fantastic Scrabble partner.
Oh, really? Well, then why don't you have sex with her then? We're just friends.
Well, I don't understand how you can like me if you like her.
We're so different.
It was a long time ago.
We were in love with each other's brains.
That's where it ended.
Oh, really? Then why don't you have sex with her then? Christine I love you and only you.
And I want to sleep with you and only you.
I love you, too.
I only want to sleep with you, too.
Although, I might be willing to give trilingual one more shot.
Mmm.
Come on.
I'm sorry.
I just I get, you know, a little insecure.
You don't have to be.
I like you exactly the way you are.
I couldn't care less if you're smart.
Christine's gonna be happy.
She got five corkscrews.
No, she won't.
She registered for 15.
Okay, I think I'm gonna take off.
Uh, I don't think so.
You left your baby's head on the chair.
Oh, shoot! All right, this isn't the real baby.
Are you sure? Try taking the legs off just to be safe.
Okay, you were right.
New Christine won't let me hold the real baby.
I feel useless.
There's nothing for me to do.
And the baby's on the boob all the time.
That's where I used to be! What are you talking about? You were great with Ritchie.
You were the only one who could ever get him to stop crying.
How did you do that? I used to use my famous burrito wrap.
You wrap them up real tight in a blanket.
It puts them right to sleep.
I was good at it because in high school I used to work at Taco Bell.
I never understood why that works.
It makes 'em feel safe.
I wonder if I still know how to do it.
I know you start with a triangle.
There we go.
Who can I practice on? I'll do it.
I haven't felt safe since I lost my gun permit.
Okay, let's see.
This folds across here, and this tucks in under there.
Yeah, it's all coming back to me.
Hey, you know what? This feels nice.
I'm just gonna close my eyes for a second.
That doesn't count.
She had six beers.
Okay, let me wrap you then.
All right, but I guarantee it won't do anything.
Lie down right in there.
Okay.
This folds across like that; this comes here like that, and that and there we go.
All right, I'm gonna close my eyes, just to humor you.
What happened to them? They've been Taco Bell'd.
I bet if I still worked there, I'd be assistant manager by now.
I can't wait to show New Christine.
Is everything okay? Yeah, I'm just glad that party's over.
I hate Max's friends.
Hey, do you think I'm dumb? Oh, look who's up! Hello, beautiful girl! Hello! Hello! It's your Auntie Christine! Christine, that's a fake baby.
What? Oh, no.
I am dumb.
Hey! Somebody looks beautiful.
Me.
Tony called this morning, raving about you.
She had a great time last night.
She's even thinking about buying a TV.
Oh, that's great.
If I can change one person's mind about television, it's all been worth it.
She really liked you.
She thought you were funny- which you are.
Funny and smart.
Absolutely.
In fact, you're a whole lot smarter than you need to be, considering how adorable you are.
What does that mean? It means cute, charming, pretty.
No, I know what adorable means.
Do you think I'm as smart as Tony? I'm not even as smart as Tony.
You think I'm as smart as you? I don't know.
Who cares? I care.
It's important to me that you see me as your intellectual equal, because I was in a marriage where that wasn't the case, and it didn't work out very well.
Oh, come on.
You're at least as smart as Richard.
I know! I'm saying that I was the smarter one Oh, yes, yes! You're definitely smarter than Richard.
Listen, Max, I need you to know that I am smart, because what's adorable now is gonna become irritating later.
Really.
You're gonna start rolling your eyes when I start talking.
You're gonna be thinking "dumb-ass" in your head.
And pretty soon, you'll start saying "dumb-ass" out loud.
I would never do that.
Yeah, I didn't think I would either, until I was married a dumb-ass.
Christine, how woulde even measure who's smarter? By counting diplomas? Harvard, UCLA and Columbia, but who cares? And-And-And I.
Q.
numbers don't mean anything-- you know, a little more well-read than you.
I probably understand politics a little better.
My vocabulary Okay, I get it.
But I don't care about any of that.
I love you.
I don't care if you know things or you understand my work or if you know what a mammal is.
Okay, I said I said I get it, okay? Ugh! Oh, I don't think I can go through with this.
Oh, God, what are you saying? You're breaking up with me? No, dumb-ass, I'm saying that I am not ready to marry you yet.
You know, meeting Tony made me realize that I'm not living up to my full potential.
And I don't want to marry you until you're as interested in what I can do with my brain as what I can do with my body.
In that department, you are definitely living up to your potential.
Listen, I think that I'm going to go back to college.
You don't have to do that for me.
It's not for you.
It's for "I" this time.
A couple of classes couldn't hurt.
Okay, you guys, enjoy this now, because I am about to become a serious person.
I was with you in college the first time.
Your nickname was "Pants Party.
" Those were the best six years of my life.
Well, I think it's great.
Do you know what you're gonna study? Maybe engineering.
Train travel's so romantic.
Well, good luck to you, Pants Party.