Bewitched (1964) s05e22 Episode Script

Okay, Tabitha.
It's almost time for your lunch.
Let's go.
Okay, but just 10 more swings? No, sweetheart.
I have so many things to do.
Daddy's coming home from Canada this afternoon.
- Ten is too many.
- Nine more? Tabitha, life is not one big swing.
- But, Mommy - No buts.
Five.
That's my final offer.
One.
You stay right here, Bonzo.
I'm gonna give it a running start.
Hurry up, Tabitha.
Mommy, I only have little legs.
For me, this is hurrying.
That's right, sweetheart.
Well - Mommy, is that cake for me? - No.
We're gonna have a welcome-home party for Daddy.
With cake and candles? Sure! Two.
One for each day he's been gone.
Daddy, Daddy.
No, no, sweetheart.
That's not Daddy.
He's not coming home till late this afternoon.
Hi, there.
Where did you come from? Monkey, monkey.
I wanna play with the monkey.
Come here, you silly little thing.
He's probably lost.
Maybe he's trying to tell us where he lives.
Yeah, well, sorry, old man, but I can't quite understand you.
I wanna play with the monkey.
You finish your lunch, young lady, and after your nap, we'll take him home.
Wherever that is.
No doubt about it.
You are a monkey with a problem.
Okay, fella.
Come on down from there, and let's see.
Oh, well, I guess you're not getting my message.
I'm certainly not getting yours.
So let's just make this easy on both of us.
A monk ey you are A monk ey you'll be In human form When I count to three One, two, three Oh, there.
That's better.
Sure is, lady.
A lot better.
You'll never know how much.
Well, I don't know.
I thought you were a cute little monkey.
I'm not a monkey.
I'm a chimpanzee.
Well, I'm sorry, but they are the same family.
People do get them confused.
Well, I don't know why they should.
Do they confuse a shark with a goldfish or a lion with a pussycat? Yes, well If you just tell me where you live and who you belong to, I'll take you home.
No, you won't.
I'm not going back to that little boy.
Poor fella's probably crying his eyes out for you right now.
The kid's a brat! He cares more about his kite than he does about me.
When I take you home, I'll talk to him about that.
- No, you won't.
- Why not? I've waited a long time for my chance to be a man.
The point is, you are not a man.
And you can't remain a man, not even for one day.
Think of it this way.
I'm almost a man already.
I just missed it on the evolutionary ladder by one rung.
Now how would you feel? That's life.
Think of the poor fella who invented 6-Up.
Oh, boy.
I had to pick a funny witch.
You have one human quality already.
You're a wise guy.
I'm wise all right.
Wiser than most people.
How many people in that park today knew you were a witch? Oh, my stars.
Don't be stubborn about this.
Okay.
Okay.
You have a choice.
Back home or to the zoo.
How you like them bananas? - Yes? - Mr.
Tate? Miss Tuck er and Mr.
Flynn are here to see you.
All right, show them in.
- Mr.
Tate.
- Miss Tucker, good to see you again.
Mr.
Flynn.
I thought that Well, wasn't your appointment for tomorrow? Well, Bobby, here, came up with an idea that couldn't wait until tomorrow.
Darrin Stephens is your account executive and I'd prefer he be here for - We don't need your Mr.
Stephens.
- Go ahead, Bobby.
- Right.
First, the models.
Models? Now just picture this.
A TV commercial and these magnificent specimens walk on the screen.
Now, the pitch is to the ladies.
To bring out the best in your beast, give him Brawn Cologne! That's really But, of course, once you get the music, it'll Mr.
Stephens and I will give this some thought.
Remarkable the way they get those things to pop.
Those things are called pectorals.
It's remarkable anyway.
Miss Tucker, will you step over here, please? Miss Tucker, you owe it to yourself to listen to Stephens's ideas.
We don't want to rush into anything.
You've been talking about Darrin Stephens for days.
I'm beginning to think he's a figment of your imagination.
Darrin has been in Canada on business.
He'll be back this afternoon.
And we'll see him first thing in the morning.
We'll see him today or not at all.
Good idea.
We'll go over to Darrin's house right now and catch him the minute he gets in.
Oh, come on.
Be a good sport.
Tell me where you live.
Let me put it this way.
Either you tell me your address, or I'll change you back, anyhow.
Then you'll never find out, will you? Okay.
Game time is over.
A chimp you once were A Mother! Aren't you going to introduce me to your gentleman-friend? He is no friend, and he is no gentleman.
He's rather cute for a mortal.
Mother, he's an ape.
Most men are.
I'm a chimp.
If you're a chimp, I'm a monkey's uncle.
Two funny witches.
Fun and games are over.
A chimp you once were A chimp you will be Little and hairy when I count to Mommy, Mommy, I woke up.
- Saved by the baby.
- Not for long.
I'll deal with you later.
You're a regular little swinger, aren't you? - Oh, Endora.
- Mr.
Tate.
Oh, Miss Tucker, Mr.
Flynn this is Darrin Stephens' mother-in-law, Mrs Endora.
- Do come in, please.
- Thank you.
- Is Darrin home yet? - No, no, he isn't.
And the house is so empty without the dear boy.
- Where's Sam? - She's upstairs with Tabitha.
Miss Tucker's the creator of Brawn Cologne for men.
And Darrin's the account executive.
Mr.
Tate seems to think that Mr.
Stephens is going to pull the perfect advertising campaign right out of his attaché case.
I'm very curious, Miss Tucker.
Why does a woman run a company that makes a man's cologne? For money.
And there'll be plenty of that to go around once we get rolling.
Not if we don't find the perfect image for our product, there won't.
And the way things are going, I'm beginning to think - Who is that? - His name? It's Harry.
Harry Simian.
- Divine, isn't he? - Oh, he certainly is.
You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking we've found our man.
Oh, he'd love to hear you say that.
Harry? you go.
Turn around.
Oh, my.
You look very pretty for Daddy's homecoming party.
Now, you stay up here and colour and I'll get Grandmama to come up and see how pretty you look.
Okay, Mommy.
Oh, yes.
Yes, I feel that he's the perfect model for Brawn Cologne.
I'll set up the gallery in the morning for some pictures.
And if it works out how about a long-term contract? The longer the better.
Hi, Larry.
What a surprise.
Oh, hi, Sam.
This is Evelyn Tucker and Mr.
Flynn.
Samantha Stephens, Darrin's wife.
- How do you do? - Hello.
Sorry to barge in on you like this, but Miss Tucker was very anxious to meet with Darrin on the account.
- He'll be home any minute.
- We don't need him anymore.
We just found the answer to our campaign.
Miss Tucker thinks that Darwin's cousin, Harry is the perfect image for her Brawn Cologne.
Well.
Harry is expected at home.
I mean, he has a little boy waiting for him at home.
Don't you, Harry? - He'll keep.
- That's fine.
We'll see you at the office at nine.
Now, wait a minute, Larry.
Don't you think we ought to wait for Darrin to get home Well, I mean I mean, after all, Brawn Cologne is Darrin's account.
I am Brawn Cologne, and I'm satisfied.
We won't take up any more of your time, Sam.
Ask Darrin to call me when he comes in.
Goodbye, everybody.
Oh, good bye, Harry.
See you tomorrow.
I'll be there.
No, you won't.
Sam, we're talking about an $800000 account.
Now, if Harry isn't downtown bright and early tomorrow morning tell Darrin not to come in either.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Right, Harry.
Bye, Endora; Sam.
Not a bad start for my first day as a man.
Yes, as I was saying.
A chimp you once were A chimp you will be Little and hairy When I count to three One, two, three Okay, come on.
You go out there and play.
While I think of something to tell Darrin.
Tell him the truth.
He's getting an $800000 account.
- He should be thrilled.
- He'll be furious.
He's never what he should be.
Hello? Hi, sweetheart.
What a shame.
How much longer do you think you'll be stuck there? Two days? Oh, that's marvellous.
No, I mean, it's marvellous that you're doing so well there.
No.
No, no, don't call Larry.
I'll call him for you.
Everything's just fine here.
Sweetheart, you have fun and don't worry.
Good bye.
I'll do the worrying for both of us.
Here's Grandmama to baby-sit while you take your chimp off to work.
A monkey, posing for a man's cologne.
Where did I go wrong? Look on the positive side, my darling.
Brawn has its image Harry has a crack at being human, and Durwood is a hero.
Now look on the negative side.
Harry is a chimp.
There's no telling what he can do.
He could ruin everything, and Larry will find some way to blame Darrin.
All right.
Wake up.
A monk ey you are A monk ey you'll be But in human form When I count to three One, two three Okay.
You're a man for a day.
That means nine to five.
What's the hurry? They're gonna take pictures of you in an hour.
I'm not good for anything till I've had my morning coconut.
A star is born.
All right, hold it just like that, Harry.
That's it.
That's it.
Okay.
Bring that light in there.
All right, now pick the drink up, Harry.
That's it, that's it.
All right, now.
Now look sexy, Harry.
That's it.
Boy, that's good.
- Good, good.
- Is that all? Oh, baby, we've just begun.
All right, now hit him with that spot.
Yeah, that's good.
Good.
Okay, Harry.
Now let's have some good action shots.
All right, you ready, Harry? Okay, swing.
Hey, get down from there.
It's the tennis racket you're supposed to swing, dumb-dumb.
Who does he think he is, calling me a dumb-dumb? Harry, you just relax.
You're doing fine.
I'll find out how much longer it'll be.
Just a few more shots.
This is the worst apple I've ever tasted.
- It's wax.
- Wax? You humans have strange appetites.
All right, everybody.
Break's over.
Back to work.
Come on, my boy.
Let's get out there and pose.
Time is money.
Why so glum? You did beautifully today.
It was harder than I thought.
Just the same, I must admit you made it as a man.
- Well, I don't want to be a man.
- Oh, boy.
I thought humans were complicated.
I didn't like it today.
I didn't like it at all.
All those humans cared about was work.
Nobody wanted to play.
You're not giving it a fair chance.
You asked for one full day.
- It's only half over.
- I've seen enough.
As a chimp, nobody pushed me around.
People didn't yell at me or call me dumb-dumb.
They patted me and fed me.
Well now that your pictures for Brawn are finished it's no problem changing you back.
Great! Well, good bye, Samantha.
You're a queen among witches.
And you're a prince among chimps.
Oh, wait a minute.
I gotta give you the address of the kid who owns me.
Sweet little fella.
Probably crying his eyes out over me.
Hello? - Oh, Hi, Larry.
- Sam, we rushed the pictures through and Harry is sensational.
Well, all's well that ends well.
Ends my foot! This is only the beginning.
Evelyn and I have mapped out the whole campaign.
TV spots, personal appearances around the country; the works.
I'm afraid you're gonna have to get someone else, because Nonsense.
Harry's it.
He may be a little inexperienced, but he's got the mystique for the product.
Well, his mystique is a mistake.
You see, he doesn't want to Sam, will you let me worry about what he wants? Just see to it he's down here at five 'o clock for the press conference.
And, Sam, lest we forget this is an $800000 account.
Well, that's unforgettable, all right.
Yeah, I got you, Larry.
Oh, Darrin, he'll be very pleased.
Bye.
Okay, you can change me back.
Harry, I'm afraid there's been a slight delay.
I don't want a slight delay.
I wanna be a chimp.
I know.
Yeah, I know.
But try to be patient.
Now No, you can't quit But you could be fired.
Fired? How? I'm too good.
Just act like the real you, that should do it.
- The real me? - That's right.
Okay, Harry, baby.
Now let's have that look of distinction.
That's it.
Hold it.
Makeup, let's get that shine off of his nose.
He bit me, he bit me.
He actually bit me.
That's the animal in him.
Oh, perfect.
Miss Bond; Charlie.
Oh, I want you to meet some friends from the press.
Miss Bond editor of "Fashion Wear" magazine, and Charles Gilbert of "Sportswear Daily".
This is Brawn Cologne's man, Harry Simian.
I'm not Brawn's man.
You mean you don't like being Brawn's man? He means that he's his own man.
That's not what I mean.
Guess again.
- Sam, what's he doing? - Telling the truth.
- You wouldn't want him to lie.
- Of course I would.
Brawn's man, my foot.
You're Brawn's beast.
He didn't mean that.
Tell her you didn't mean that! - I didn't mean that.
- I know.
What I really meant was this.
He's so playful.
I have never been so humiliated in my whole life.
- I know, I know.
Fire that man.
Get rid of him! You're fired, right now! Out! Fine, fine! Bravo, bravo! What is so "bravo" about what that gorilla is doing? Why don't you tell her, Larry? Why don't you tell her, Sam? Oh, well, yes, of course.
This whole thing was carefully staged to help kick off Darrin's new slogan.
"When your man uses Brawn Cologne there's no telling how wild he might get.
" Did you know about this? It all depends.
Well, I think it's sensational.
I knew about it.
Tate, I question your methods, but I approve the slogan.
Yes, we thought you'd like it.
And I also approve of the campaign, on one condition.
- What's that? - That I never have to lay eyes on that ape again as long as I live.
Well, I think that can be arranged.
Look, Mommy, monkey.
That's not a monkey.
It's a chimp.
There's a big difference.
At least the chimps think so.
- Are they as smart as people? - Some of them are smarter.
- What's his name? - Bonzo.
Hello, Bonzo.
He was lost for a few days, but he's back now.
I'm sure if you love him and take very good care of him he'll never run away again.
- Say good bye, Tabitha.
- Good bye, Bonzo.
So long, Harry.