Hot In Cleveland s05e22 Episode Script

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Look, I can do it this time.
I can look happy.
Try another one.
Okay, the winner of the Academy Award for best supporting actress is Helen Mirren.
Honey, you can't say that on TV.
Oh, I know.
Why am I incapable of faking happiness for other people? Melanie, how do you do it? I'm not faking it.
I am genuinely happy when others do well.
But Why? Well, at least with Elka sitting next to me, someone will smile convincingly if I lose.
Again, Elka is staying in Cleveland.
Her city council election's the same night as the Oscars.
I'm your date now.
Melanie lost the coin toss.
And I am genuinely happy for you, Joy.
Wow.
That was so gracious.
You know, I can do that.
No, no, no.
Joy, announce the winner again.
Okay.
And the Academy Award goes to Helen Mirren.
Was that better? Oh, look! George Clooney looks so cute.
How did it go at the Latino festival? Oh, great.
They're all gonna vote for me.
Because you lied to them, like you lie to everyone.
She promised them she'd make Spanish the official language of Cleveland.
Campaign promises They're like Joy's dates.
They do the deed, and then they disappear.
Ooh, hey, while you were out, did you see the billboards for my radio show? Yes, it's a beautiful picture of you.
Thank you.
It's all part of this new marketing campaign.
And the station manager well, he let me bring this home.
- Oh, wow.
- Gorgeous.
They may have photoshopped it just a itty-bitty-bitty bit.
Just like you.
It's wonderful you don't care what people are saying about it on photoshopflop.
com.
What? What's photoshopflop.
com? It's a website with pictures of famous people before and after they've "allegedly" been altered.
Oh, my God.
They took this totally unflattering "before" picture of me and posted it right next to what I really look like.
Okay, maybe I have gained a few pounds since I broke my foot and I haven't been able to exercise, but this is just mean.
I promise, if I'm elected, I will see that anyone who makes fun of you is killed.
I appreciate that, Elka, but you know what? Maybe this is just my wake-up call.
I am not gonna leave this house until I look like her.
All I have to do is not eat and avoid any emotional triggers that are gonna make me want to eat.
- Hi, baby.
- Oh, my God.
It's my mom.
And I'm pretty sure I just gained 5 pounds.
Look, Melly, when I saw those awful comments online of people calling you fat Well, they didn't actually say "fat.
" Did you read all of them? Because I did.
Stupid photoshopflop.
com.
Horrible website.
I agree.
Every day I look at it, I'm appalled.
I'm here to support you any way I can.
If you're going on a big diet, I'm going on a big diet.
Okay, for dinner, I was thinking kale and quinoa whoa! Nobody can start a diet this late in the day.
It's not safe.
Macaroons, girls? - Oh, I couldn't.
- Oh, neither could I.
We have to fit into our gowns for the Academy Awards next week.
That's right.
Oh, if I was going to the Academy Awards, I'd be stress-eating like crazy.
And yet look at the two of you.
What's your secret to dealing with stress? I drink.
I sleep around.
I admire your discipline.
Would you like to see my gown? Oh, a sneaek! How exciting! I'll show you mine too.
Oh! What do you think? I decided to go simple yet stunning.
Wait.
Where have I seen that dress before? Oh, that's right.
Tmz.
Someone leaked the gown Charlize Theron is wearing.
What? I'm wearing the same dress as Charlize Theron? Oh, don't worry.
It'll look a lot different on her.
Oh, this is a disaster.
I'm going to be the lowest score ever on "who wore it better?" I wish I could just know if I won.
Otherwise, I I'd rather stay in bed.
Oh, like Joan Crawford.
She skipped the awards one year because she thought she would lose.
Right.
I saw that in Mommie Dearest.
The networks put cameras by her fake sickbed, you know, to film her in case she won.
But actresses were crazy back then.
I'll do it.
Oh, thank you, Joan Crawford, for your inspiring example.
You don't hear that very often.
Then it's settled.
The academy will have to come to me.
We are all going to stay in Cleveland.
No one is going to the oscars.
Here it is.
It cost a fortune.
But I've always dreamed of going to the Academy Awards ever since I was a little girl, and now that dream is coming true.
Here, Joy, have a cookie.
Excuse me, sir.
Did you drop this $20 bill? "Vote Ostrovsky"? Sounds like good advice.
Elka, bad news.
People are saying Councilman Powell is buying votes for $10 a piece.
I'm appalled.
I've been paying 20.
It gets worse.
He's holding a big "get out the vote" rally tonight in Port Lee.
There's only one bridge between here and Port Lee, right? Yes.
Sounds like it's time for some traffic problems on the bridge to Port Lee.
This was a great idea, Victoria.
With elections today and the Oscars tonight, I thought we should all free our minds and meditate on what's really important.
Winning.
Winning gloriously.
I'm not worried about tonight.
Elka did a terrible thing.
She caused a traffic jam on the bridge to Port Lee.
How did she do that? She sent a mass email to thousands of seniors saying that's where they could meet their favorite stars from the weather channel.
I also told them the bridge toll would be half price if they paid in pennies.
You know, this mask smells delicious.
Hmm, avocado and honey.
And there's no calories if it's on your face.
Why is it whenever I'm on a diet, all I can think about is food? It's almost lustful.
I saw a study that said that 52% of women would choose chocolate over sex.
I sure never told a bar of chocolate I was too sleepy.
You know, men say they love curves, but what they're really saying is, they love boobs.
If Sofia Vergara's breast fat was in her belly, they wouldn't love her curves so much.
Those things are gonna sag.
Big-time.
Any day now.
And why do we do that? Judge each other so harshly, grab magazines with pictures of celebrity cellulite.
You know what? We women we need to create a judgment-free zone.
I'm so glad to hear you say that, Melanie, because I've been wanting to share my story.
Growing up, I was so skinny.
I'd eat and eat anything I wanted and never put on an ounce.
To this day, I have trouble keeping on weight.
Cheese, French fries, chocolate, wine they all fall right off.
Oh, it's so nice to say these things and not be judged.
You know, Melanie, we've been good so far, and we got the ankle weights on, so even breathing's an exercise.
We deserve a treat.
How about some frozen yogurt, sprinkles, and maybe some gummy bears? No, mom.
We're on a diet.
Come on.
Gummy bears They're practically fruit.
I am not gonna reward myself with food.
You know, you've been doing that since I was a kid.
Oh, so it's all my fault.
It's always the mother's fault.
No, it's not all your fault.
I'm just saying you're not helping me.
Well, if I'm not helping you, maybe I should get out of here.
Mom, don't run away from me.
Too late.
I'm out of here.
Yeah, well, not if I catch you.
Can you believe she ate her face mask? Still in the room.
I can't believe it's Oscar night.
Joy, I'm sorry you couldn't wear your gown.
But the good news is, the white of your uniform is bouncing light into my hair.
That is good news.
Oh, it's all set.
I have my lovely nurse by my side.
And George Clooney will be sitting right here in his adorable doggy staying put because I put a little bacon grease on my leg.
Could you open that window just a skosh so the candles flicker, making my eyes dance? Now, if I win And we all know I should a red light will appear on that camera, which will be a direct feed to the network broadcast.
I gaze at my adoring fans and despising peers, make a quick gasp of surprise, like this Bee! - How'd it go with your mom? - Oh, terrible.
She's on her way to the airport now.
You know, I tried to have a reasonable conversation where I calmly explained to her that she was the cause of all my problems, and somehow she took offense.
Any election news? It's neck and neck.
They're talking about Port Lee.
Turn it up.
No one can explain why, but traffic is moving very, very slowly on the bridge to Port Lee.
They can't pin it on me.
Mamie Sue Johnson.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
It's the Plain Dealer.
They're pinning it on you.
They have a copy of the Port Lee email.
Tell them I have no prior knowledge of this.
Elka Ostrovsky had no prior knowledge of this.
She's gonna fire the person responsible.
She's going to fire the person responsible.
Mamie Sue Johnson.
Mamie Sue Johnson.
That's me.
You Chris Christie'd me! It'sust potics.
You know, if I am fired, I should go.
No need to drive me home.
I'll take the bus you threw me under.
Most of the swelling is on the inside of your mouth.
The rest I made look like a Cindy Crawford beauty mole.
Well, with lighting, you can hide anything.
Rumor has it, Eva Mendes has a hunchback.
You started that rumor.
And it never caught on the way I'd hoped.
Well, we just need to move all the candles to the good side of my face.
Careful.
There's a lot of chemicals in the air from your hair spray, and it could catch on I know.
I know.
I shouldn't drink on an empty stomach.
But my mom's not here, so I can do what I want.
If you're done talking to your wine glass, I'm trying to hear the TV.
Oh, look, I think they're going to say who won.
With 80% of the votes counted, we are calling the hotly contested tenth council district race for Elka Ostrovsky.
You won! I won? What's all the screaming about down here? Elka won.
Oh, congratulations.
Hey, what's all the screaming about up there? Oh, Victoria got stung by a bee, and her hair caught on fire, but it's all going to be fine.
We're told that ex-councilman Powell will be calling Ostrovsky soon to graciously concede.
Hey, Powell.
No, you go to hell.
No, you go to hell.
No, you go to hell! The turban totally works.
It sells your illness with classic old Hollywood glamour.
So I might start a trend? Sure.
Why not? Well, we have an hour to relax.
Check out the live feed.
Let's see what's going on at the oscars.
The academy awards will be right back with the awards for best sound editing Total snooze fest.
We got time.
And best actress in a supporting role.
What? Already? Oh, my God.
You told us your category wasn't up for another hour.
No, well, that's what they told me.
They said it would be on at 5:30.
And since there's a four-hour time difference between actual time and Ohio time it's a three-hour difference, you cotton-headed actress.
Oh, God! I could be on camera any second.
I'm nervous.
I need wine.
No.
I could be on camera too.
I need wine.
What the hell am I gonna do? They're about to announce my category.
Don't panic.
We'll just turn your jacket around.
Remember when Celine Dion wore that backwards tux to the oscars? She looked like a mentally challenged caterer.
Yes, but a gorgeous, sexy, young mentally challenged caterer.
I'm listening.
I share this award with my assistant sound editor and best friend, Chelsea Myers.
I couldn't have won without you.
I couldn't have won without mamie sue.
And winning wouldn't be fun without you.
You're right, boring sound guy.
Most of all, I want to thank my mother.
Mom, I'd give anything to have you here with me tonight.
This is for you.
Hug your moms, everyone.
Now boring sound guy is right about me.
But I can't hug my mom because I chased her away.
And you know who I blame? Yourself? No.
Her.
And this This unrealistic idea of what women are supposed to be.
I blame her and And Hollywood and And society! Everyone but me! You should eat something.
Ivy Johnson forNight of the Hereafter.
Hurry up.
Can you still see the wine stains on my sleeves? No.
It's okay.
I'll just tie them behind you.
And Victoria chase forCleveland Rhapsody.
Oh, God.
That's me.
Hurry.
It's done.
You're good.
I can't move my arms.
Do I look like I'm wearing a straitjacket? No.
You're stunning.
And the Oscar goes to Helen Mirren.
And Victoria Chase.
What? It's a tie! You won! The red light's on! We've been on TV the whole time.
Oh, my God.
Did Joy get stung by a bee too? That's her breast.
And look at that audience judging them.
Well, I'm judging all of you skinny bitches! And I find you guilty! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Thank you, Academy.
Stop it.
Stop it, George Clooney.
I'm sorry.
George Clooney is humping my leg.
'Cause you see, he's attracted to my bacon smell.
Because he's a dog.
George Clooney is a dog.
I'm not crazy! Nurse, show America George Clooney.
Uh, yes, I wish I could be there with all of you, but I donated my liver.
- Kidney.
- Kidney, right.
And while I know I look horrible no, you do not look horrible.
Y-you people in Hollywood, you're the horrible ones.
Melanie, what the hell are you doing? I'm taking a stand.
Shame on you, Hollywood and all you size zero dresses.
This is what normal looks like.
And, mom, I'm sorry.
I I love you.
I'm sorry, Mamie sue.
I'm so sorry.
I shouldn't have thrown you under the bus.
Music! For the love of God, please, play me off! Oh, thank you, Susan Lucci.
It was so nice of you to call me and congratulate me on winning an Oscar.
Oh, that's right.
I called you.
I can't believe I won an Oscar.
What an amazing night.
To Victoria and Elka.
The only downside was that a billion people saw my boob.
Oh, stop complaining, Joy.
You're making a mountain out of a molehill.
I thought the whole thing was wonderful, especially when you came on and talked about me.
But you didn't have to apologize, Elka.
Oh, yes, I did, Mamie Sue.
You're my best friend.
It was actually kind of exciting to be at the center of a scandal.
A few of the bad boys from the senior center friended me.
Thanks for coming back, mom.
Well, I had to after I heard that acceptance speech at the airport.
I'm so embarrassed.
All I heard was, "I love you, mom.
" Or at least that's what I think you said.
Everyone around me was laughing so hard.
I really am sorry, 'cause I really do appreciate that you flew all the way to Ohio to support me.
Well, reading those cruel comments online reminded me of when you had your scoliosis brace in high school and the boys weren't asking you out and the mean girls were teasing you.
Oh, I miss those days.
What? I mean, those nights in the kitchen, talking it out while we made brownies.
We were so close, and I loved making you feel better.
Oh, brownie nights did make me feel better.
And deep-fried twinkie nights oh, I felt like I was being hugged by a thousand cream-filledngels.
Okay, in hindsight, maybe I did reinforce some bad patterns.
Yeah, but maybe I've gotten to an age where I have to stop blaming my mom for the things that I do.
Oh, sweetie, you're never too old to blame your mother.
I still blame mine.
Your grandmother was a piece of work.
Yeah, maybe it's all her fault.
I can live with that.
Oh, hey, you two, I know you're dieting, but would you like some cake and champagne? Absolutely.
It's a well-known rule there are no calories in celebration food.
Whose rule is that? It's a rule.