In Living Color (1990) s05e22 Episode Script

- [Laughing.]
- In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me, it's a'ight to be - Hi-yah! In living color And how would ya.
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How would ya.
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How would ya f.
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How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat [Echoing.]
And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color - You can do what you wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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- In living color - [Turntable Scratching.]
- In living color [Laughing.]
[Carnival.]
Hurry up, Uncle Pete.
Okay, here we are, boy.
Here we are.
Don't it look nice? - Yeah, well, let's ride some rides.
- Rides? You ain't sayin' nothin' about getting on no rides.
You said you wanted to go to the carnival and here we are.
Well, you ain't ridin' a damn thing.
Now look at it.
Now let's go.
I want to ride the carnival rides.
Okay, you can get on the carnival rides.
Come on, let's go over to the ticket man.
Welcome to Two Flags Over Compton.
Okay, how you doin', Mr.
Two Flags? Uh, uh, let me just ask you a question.
- How much it cost to get on the roller coaster? - That's about four bucks.
Four bucks to get on a roller coaster? Good Lord! That's a lot of money.
How about I give you 88 cents and you let me scream in your ear? - I don't think so.
- Okay, okay, okay.
How much.
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Let me ask you something.
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How much.
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Let me ask you something.
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How much would it cost to get on the bumper cars? - Three dollars, $3.
00, $3.
00.
- $3.
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- Now how much it cost if I don't bump nobody? - Still $3.
00.
Good Lord! That's a lot of money.
How about a give you 97 cents and you let me crash my Pinto into you? Okay, okay, okay.
How much it cost to get in the haunted house? - That's about $6.
00.
- I'm scared of $6.
00.
Six dollars? Okay, how about I give you Boy, I wish you'd just leave.
Get the hell out of here.
Uncle Pete, I'd rather ride the Ferris wheel.
Okay, okay.
Hold your horses, boy.
All right? All right? - Uh, how much it cost to get on the Ferris wheel? - That's about $2.
00.
Two dollars? Good Lord! How about I give you 20 cents and you let us spin around till we vomit? Boy, if you don't get out of here.
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Cotton! Cotton candy! Peanuts! Uncle Pete, I want some cotton candy.
Okay, okay.
You'll get some cotton candy.
- How much for the cotton candy? - Cotton candy, $1.
00.
One dollar for cotton candy? Good Lord! That's a lot of money.
Now why should I pay that much money for a sugar-coated Afro? I want some roasted peanuts.
Boy, you want everything.
How much it cost for some roasted peanuts? - One buck, 50.
- A buck, 50? How much it cost for unroasted? - A buck, 50.
- Now how they gonna quote the same amount of money.
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when one don't got no roast on it? Uncle Pete, can I please have a balloon? Okay, you can please have a balloon.
How much.
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Let me ask you a question.
Let me ask you, how much it cost for a balloon? - Two dollars.
- Two dollars? Now why should I spend $2.
00 on something I already have? - Boy, here's your balloon.
Now blow it up.
- Hey.
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Uncle Pete, what does "condom" mean? Condom means give it back when you're done.
Hey, I didn't know Luther Campbell was in town.
All right.
Look at all those games! I want to do the shooting gallery.
- Good Lord! - And the ring toss.
- Good Lord! - And the dart throwing.
Good Lord! Don't you like tag? Tag, you're it.
No, I'm not.
I want to have fun.
Okay, I'll show you some fun.
Come on.
Let's go see the freak show.
Step right up! Step right up! See the bearded lady! See Coco, the human bowel! See Lulu, the 600-pound woman! - Hey, excuse me.
How much it cost to see the fat lady? - Uh, $2.
00.
Two dollars for a fat lady? Oprah come on every day for free.
Okay.
How about I give you 30 cents and you show me a rerun of Thea? This is boring.
I'm gonna ride on the Ferris Wheel.
Where you goin', boy? You better get.
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You better get.
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Now, where you get some money from? - Mama gave me $10.
- Ten dollars? Good Lord! That's a lot of money.
Why don't you lend your Uncle Pete $2.
00 so I can get some popcorn? Two dollars? Good Lord! That's a lot of money.
How about I give 40 cent and you go get some cream corn? Hi.
I'm Loomis Simmons.
Ladies, are you stuck in a dead-end job? Do you put in hours and hours for a minimum wage.
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while the executives get rich from your blood, sweat and tears? I hope so.
'Cause I can help you achieve your dreams.
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and all you have to do is.
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The plan is simple.
You get me a job at your company.
Then let Loomis do the rest.
I'll pinch your "bootais-maximus.
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" I'll whisper sweet nasties all up and through your earlobes.
I even expose myself.
But don't worry.
It's no bother.
Then you file a sexual harassment lawsuit against the company.
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and give Loomis half the money.
It's just that simple.
Observe, won't you? - Mail call for Miss Hooters.
- Thanks, Loomis.
Oh, how clumsy of me.
Would you mind bending over to, uh, pick those up? Okay, Loomis.
Oh, my, my! Look, the peaks of Mount "Bootey.
" Hey, you sexually harassed me.
I'm going to sue this company.
Of course, that was just a sample.
In reality, this would go on for days and days.
But don't take Loomis's word for it.
Listen to some of my satisfied customers.
Loomis grabbed my ample breasts.
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and we split $200,000.
Thanks, Loomis.
Loomis climbed on me at the water cooler.
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and rode me through personnel and we split $500,000.
Thanks, Loomis.
Yee-haw! Ride 'em, cowboy! What you waitin' for, girls? Hurry and call now, 'cause I haven't had any in weeks.
And if you order now, you will get this.
A photocopy of Loomis behind.
So pick up the phone and dial: Call now.
Loomis is standing by.
It's time to make a positive change in your life.
So.
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Hey, kids.
It's time to have some fun.
First, I'm gonna teach you how to asss.
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semble your weapon.
- [High Notes.]
- What's that kids? You say that we did that yesterday? You're damn freakin' right we did it yesterday! We're gonna do it every freakin' day until you freakin' get it right! Do you freakin' read me, maggots? - [High Notes.]
- I said do you freakin' read freakin' me? [Bass Notes.]
- That's more like it.
- [Piano.]
[Singing.]
[Ends.]
Or you'll wind up choking on your freakin' blood in the jungle.
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while Charlie parades around with your buddy's head on a freakin' stick! [Doorbell Rings.]
Oh, I wonder who that could be.
- [High Notes.]
- Let's just check it out.
Fire in the freakin' hole! - [Man Groaning.]
- [Door Opens.]
- Hey, kids! - [Door Closes.]
That sounds like the tortured screams of my old foxhole buddy, Al Klanski.
Hey, Al, sorry about the friendly fire.
What's the matter with you, you freakin' freak? You're lucky I was wearing the freakin' flak jacket, Larry.
Yeah, well, you're lucky old Rosie here wasn't full ofTeflon tips.
Otherwise, blamo! Call the bugler.
[Both Laughing.]
So, Al, what's the, uh, rainy-day fun project for today? Today, Larry, we're gonna make a Bouncing Betty anti-personnel mine.
Outstanding.
Let's hump it over to the arts and crafts area.
- Shall we? - [Piano.]
- [Ends.]
- We learned that in the jungle.
Now, Larry, this is real simple.
All youse kids need is a couple of Popsicle sticks, rubber bands.
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- That's all you need.
- Some glue.
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- Yep.
- And a mine.
Yeah, but remember, kids, glue can be freakin' dangerous.
So crack a freakin' window.
Now.
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- [Helicopters Approaching.]
- [Classical.]
Hey, do you hear that? - [Gunfire.]
- I could swear I hear choppers, man.
- I don't hear nothin', Larry.
- Oh, that's because you got help.
But it's time for the rest of us to go to Flashback Land.
You sure you don't want to come? No way, man.
I got a bad feelin' about this one, Larry.
Ahh.
Ahh.
Hey, you guys.
How would you like a good old American chocolate bar? Thank you for chocolate bar.
We have something for you too.
You die, Yankee pig! Now die now! Sarge! Speak to me, Sarge! Speak to me! - Sarge, speak to me.
- Larry, come back.
You're freakin'out, Larry.
Never.
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Never get off the boat! Never get off the freakin' boat, man! [Panting.]
You know, Al, you were right.
It was a bad one.
Hey, kids, how does it feel to go to hell and back? - [High Notes.]
- Oh, come on.
School's not that bad.
Hey, come on, Larry.
It's time for us to get to work.
The mail don't deliver itself, you know.
[Both Laughing.]
I'm buyin'.
[Laughs.]
Well, see you kids again tomorrow.
Until then, just be glad you weren't born in the early '50s.
[Piano.]
[Singing.]
[Ends.]
Somebody make it stop! As you were, kids.
[Announcer.]
Live from the inner city.
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it's the East Hollywood Squares.
With Michael Dorn.
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Minister Louis Farrakhan.
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the Cream of Wheat Guy.
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hot young directors,the Green Triplets.
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Jaleel White,Joe and La Toya Jackson.
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Joycelyn Elders,Rupaul and Stedman.
And now the host ofthe East Hollywood Squares.
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Peter Marshall.
Thank you, Kenny.
Welcome to the East Hollywood Squares.
Hello, stars.
Nice to see eachand every one of you.
I'd like you to meet our players.
First, Michelle Lassman.
Michelle, welcome to our show.
What do you do, dear, for a living? Oh, l-I administer enemas to constipated pets, Peter.
- Oh, that's nice.
Good for you and continued success.
- Thank you.
Yes.
Uh, this gentleman is Allan Stevenson.
- Allan, welcome to the show.
What do you do, sir? - What? Oh, uh, my name's Allan Stevenson.
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and I am a test volunteer for prescription drugs in laboratories.
Thank you.
And welcome to our show.
Yes, now, Allan, uh, you won the.
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Allan, y-you won the toss backstage, sir, so I want you to pick a star.
I would like to begin by taking Rupaul.
Oh, take me, Allan.
Take me.
- Now, Rupaul.
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- [Rupaul Indistinct.]
Uh, Rupaul, here's the question.
In the 1992 movie The Crying Game.
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what is the surprise in The Crying Game.
Surprise, Allan.
Is this a trick question? There was no surprise in that film.
L-l-I, uh, I disagree.
Good.
That's right.
The surprise was that the female lead Dil.
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turned out to be a man and "X" gets the square.
Oh, wait.
Allan, I knew all along that Dil had a pickle.
- Michelle, quickly, pick a star.
- I'll take that cute little Urkel kid, please, Peter.
Jaleel White.
Yes, TV's, uh, Urkel.
Jaleel.
[Audience Cheering.]
Uh, if you don't mind my sayin' it, Jaleel, you.
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you don't look so well.
Well, you know, I'm going through a messy divorce, Peter.
Never marry a broad you met at a strip club.
I see.
Well, thank youfor that advice.
Now here's your question.
How old are you? [Giggling.]
I'm 14.
- Oh, I disagree.
- [Peter.]
That's good.
'CauseJaleel is actually, on St.
Swithin's Day, will be 38.
Of course I'm not 14.
If you believe that, baby.
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I've got a time-share at Florence and Normandy you might be interested in.
Well, thank you very much.
Circle gets the square.
Allan, back to you, sir.
- Uh, geez! There's a lot of geese in here.
- Yeah.
- I will take Louis Farrakhan, please.
- Certainly.
Welcome, Minister.
- Mr.
Peter Marshall.
- [Audience Cheering, Applauding.]
Oh, no.
I don't need your claps.
I don't need your claps.
Mr.
Peter Marshall, you can save your breath.
Give me an "X," an "X" right now, and I will wear it proudly.
Well, Minister, we have to ask you a question first, sir.
I will not have this.
I will not stand for an "O" to be on this proud black square.
See, because the "O" equals zero, see.
It is null and it is void.
Well, listen, pal, I'm not gonna argue with that.
"X" gets the square.
Lucky break for you.
Could have been a bad break for me.
- A-Assalamu Alaikum.
- All right.
Michelle.
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[Farrakhan.]
I'll bust your ass, boy.
! I will bust his ass.
! Uh, thank you very much.
Let's move along here.
- Michelle, pick a star, please.
- I'll take Michael Dorn for the win.
From TV's Star Trek, ladies and gentlemen, The Next Generation.
- Uh, Michael.
- [Audience Cheering.]
Nice to see you, Michael.
And I see you're still in your make-up.
What make up do you speak of, White Human? Never mind.
Here's your question, Michael.
The Enterprise leaves Rigel 7 at the speed of warp five.
The Klingon Destroyer Trog leaves Antares 4 at the speed of warp six.
Now which craft will reach Deep Space 9 first? Hmm.
I will say the Enterprise.
- The Enterprise.
Michelle? - I disagree.
Correct.
Circle gets the square and the game.
I have been dishonored and to a Klingon honor is all.
The only honorable solution.
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is death.
- [Whirs.]
- Ohh! Well, that does it for this session of the East Hollywood Squares.
Thank you, stars.
Thank you, players.
See you here next time for more fun on the East Hollywood Squares.
[Peter.]
I said clean that up.
Will somebody clean that up? Hey, yo.
Jive Records recording artist, Souls of Mischief, singing "93 'Til Infinity.
" Oakland all up in the house.
- [Hip-hop.]
- Yo, what's up, y'all?Souls of Mischief in the house.
Tajai, A-Plus, Phesto, Opio.
Brothers from the east side "O.
" That's Oakland, California, baby.
We not no mad, murderous maniacal type, brothers.
We just be chillin'.
So, Opio, why don't you tell me who you're callin'.
[Rapping.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]