M*A*S*H (MASH) s05e22 Episode Script

[O.
R.
Chatter.]
[Hawkeye.]
Scissors.
[Hawkeye.]
Suture.
[B.
J.
.]
Probe.
[Hawkeye.]
Remember, if you hit oil, we go halvsies.
- [B.
J.
.]
Just my luck.
I struck bullet.
- Well, get the lead out.
- I'll take that, Captain.
- Huh? This guy wanted it for a souvenir.
I'm trying to save his life, and he's saving shrapnel? Why do these guys want to pick up every hunk of junk they trip over? Collecting junk is America's favorite pastime.
Well, what's wrong with that? It's fun and it's profitable.
My last patient had six dollars' worth of North Korean metal in his butt.
- Great place to hide it.
- You know that Korean kid Pierce is working on? He was collecting brass in the minefields.
Probably making more money than I am.
Too bad there's such a good market for it.
Oh, that's right.
Knock free enterprise.
Why do these people want to take home mementos from this lousy war? So they remember what they're trying to forget.
I've got souvenirs from every place I've been.
- Have you tried flea powder? - My nephew's a sucker for souvenirs.
He takes trips so he can cover his car windows with decals.
Now the nitwit can't see where he's going 'cause his windows are all covered with where he's been.
Frank.
Margaret, how nice of you to join me.
Is there anything I can do for you? - Yes.
Stop salivating and listen.
- It's oatmeal.
- I want my ring back.
- What ring? What ring? The ruby ring I gave you on our first anniversary.
You've been out in the sun too long.
You never gave me a ring, ruby or any other kind.
- Frank! - You never did! Although if you had, you certainly have your nerve crawling back for it now.
I'm not crawling, Frank.
That happens to be a precious family heirloom and now that you and I are no longer close I wish to give it to Donald.
- Indian giver.
- Then you admit you have it.
I do not.
I'm just pointing out that, uh had you given it to me as you seem to think you did, and you didn't you'd be an Indian giver.
You once compared the ruby to my lips.
That sounds like me, okay.
Must have been somebody else.
- There is nobody else like you, Frank.
- Margaret, l Watch it! My heart belongs to another.
Let him have your heart.
I'll take what's left.
I love you.
Frank, if you ever cared for me, you'll return the ring.
I don't have it, Margaret.
I only wish I did.
We military men like keeping little mementos of our battlefield conquests.
Then hold on to this.
Here's a pair of earrings, Klinger.
I had 'em designed just for you.
Huh? They're made out of.
45-caliber shells.
Anything over .
30 caliber is gauche.
[Chuckles.]
Taste.
You have taste.
Gotta tell you.
All right.
Here's something I know you're gonna like.
Not many men can wear this.
You ready? The safety pins from a hundred hand grenades.
Don't you have anything happy? Whatever happened to rhinestones? - Klinger, this is a war.
Nobody throws rhinestones.
- [Boy.]
Mr.
Stratton.
Hey, Chang.
- Got some good junk.
You're gonna like it.
- Let's see.
Ah, that's junko.
No, there's nothing I, uh - There's nothing I need.
- First-class junk.
Look at brass.
No, no.
You see, it's it's a miss, kid.
It's no good.
All right.
I'll give you a buck for it.
Here.
- Five bucks.
Please? - No.
Two.
Now beat it.
[Chuckles.]
He beats me every time.
- Yeah, I can see that.
- Okay, what about the earrings? Nah, I gotta give my lobes a rest.
All right.
Now this is you.
This is you.
An aluminum watchband.
The material came off a MiG.
Some other war.
Ah, boy.
Hey, Hawkeye, how'd you like an aluminum bracelet for your wrist? How'd you like a knuckle sandwich for your mouth? - Oh, come on, guys.
A guy's gotta live.
- Shall we put it to a vote? - Hey, what's eating you guys? - What's eating us is you.
Because you insist on dealing in that stuff I wound up working on one of your eight-year-old garbage collectors.
I don't force those kids to bring me this junk.
They're go-getters.
They do it on their own.
- What choice do they have? - They could go into law school or advertising.
- Even better, they could starve to death.
- Aw, come off it.
All I do is peddle a few harmless souvenirs.
I mean, what I do is good for the economy.
I create jobs! For the undertaker.
Boy, you guys really think you're hot stuff because you're M.
D.
s and I'm just a chopper pilot.
- Make that Pontius Pilate.
- Put it to music, Pierce.
Hey, soldier! [Whistles.]
Hold up! Have I got a deal for you.
Souvenir hunting has been a problem in every war.
Hannibal's men booby-trapped their elephants' trunks.
They blew up every time they went swimming.
- Isn't there anything that can be done about this? - Like what? I don't know.
Like if you catch anybody selling this stuff, you park a tank on his chest.
I hope we can come up with something a little less severe.
How 'bout a jeep? You see? I'm guilty of buying some of these trinkets myself.
- We all have to stop sometime.
- So what do you want me to do? - Do what you do best.
Scream at the troops.
- Holler on 'em.
That's easy.
- If that doesn't work - Park a tank on 'em.
Or a jeep.
We are in the midst of an epidemic.
It's not the plague, not the chicken pox, not the creeping crud.
It's the buying, selling and collecting of war souvenirs.
And it's getting people killed.
The enemy leave their booby-trapped pistols, bayonets and helmets all over the place 'cause they know some slaphappy G.
I.
Will try to pick up that cockarocka and before he knows it his nickname is "Lefty.
" On top of that, Korean kids scavenge in the minefields for brass to make ashtrays for us to stick our butts in.
So stop making a market for a bunch of trash you don't need anyway.
If you want a souvenir, take yourself home in one piece.
Remember, somebody at home loves you.
Don't ask me why.
Any questions? Yo! Does this mean you're prohibiting the buying and selling of souvenirs? I don't have that authority.
This is just friendly advice from the C.
O.
To the people who serve under him, if you get my drift.
Any other questions? Dismissed.
- Good try, Colonel.
- Yeah, you convinced me.
Oh, that's the trouble with speeches.
You wind up convincing your friends and boring your enemies.
- [Klinger.]
Colonel? - What? - Oh, Colonel! - Where'd that come from? Up here, sir.
Heard your speech, Colonel, and I loved it.
Thank you.
Now what are you doing sitting on top of that pole? I'm pole-sitting, sir.
It's Section Eight time.
Klinger, you're the tops.
"What light through yonder window breaks?" It is the east, and Klinger is the nuts.
Come down, Klinger, before you hurt yourself.
No, sir.
I came up a soldier.
I'll come down a civilian.
One gust of wind, you'll come down a pancake.
- I love 'em with maple syrup.
- Klinger, don't be a sap.
I'm not a sap.
I'm crazy.
Who in his right mind would climb a platform over a basketball hoop in the middle of the night? - Shimmy down, Klinger.
- This is where I make my stand.
- He's making it sitting down.
- I thought you were afraid of high places, Klinger.
I'm desperate.
Send me back to Toledo.
He wants to go back to Toledo? That is desperate.
- You keep saying crazy stuff like that, you're halfway home.
- Does anybody want my opinion? - No.
- I don't think so.
I'd chop the pole down.
[Laughs.]
- That would open up the game to little guys.
- Ah, what a trio of schmoes.
Make that a duo.
[Chuckles.]
- Adios.
- Just don't walk away.
Can't you see I'm crazy? Klinger, if I got rid of all the crazies in this camp I'd be the loneliest man in Korea.
I'm not coming down, sir.
In that case, I have just one piece of advice for you.
When you're walking guard duty tonight take very tiny steps.
- Hmm.
- Hmm? My daughter is saying complete sentences.
How old is she? - Two.
- See, Frank? Don't give up.
- Someday you'll be saying complete sentences.
- Oh, hardy-har-har.
Keep trying, Frank.
Nobody said it was gonna be easy.
- [Knocking.]
- Entrez.
Pardon me, sirs.
I'm looking for Major Frank Burns.
Oh, I'm Major Burns.
What is it? - Do you know a Corporal Thomas Hinton? - No.
I don't think so.
Why? He was dealing in Korean antiques on the black market.
When we caught up with him last week, he gave us a rundown of his customers.
Your name was on that list.
He says you purchased a bowl from him.
And it turned out to be an 800-year-old celadon vase of the Koyou dynasty.
- It must have been somebody using my name.
- And your face.
- How could somebody use my face? - How about for a doormat? An 800-year-old vase.
Do you know how much it went for, Sergeant? $27.
75.
- What was it worth? - It's priceless.
Really? Boy, isn't that interesting.
The Koreans are anxious that their national art treasures remain in the country.
- Ah.
- The U.
S.
Army supports that position.
I'm sure if Major Burns suddenly remembers buying that vase - he'll be the first to deny it.
- Of course.
I hope you catch that ugly creep that's been using my face.
Yes, sir.
So do I.
- Thank you, sir.
- Call again.
Wow, a priceless vase bought for $28.
What a shrewd buy that was.
## [Humming.]
Well, don't look at me.
## [Continues Humming.]
Let me have another drink, please.
Oh Forget the fruit.
What's the matter, Margaret? You trying to drown your sorrows? - No.
Just taking them out for a little swim.
- What's the trouble? I'm sore at a friend who's no friend.
Makes sense to me.
Do I look like an Indian giver? - No, I don't think you'd give anything away.
- You're damn right.
Hey, Doctors.
You better grab it.
- Only got 200 left.
Pure brass.
- And so are you.
Well, if it isn't Jiminy Cricket.
[Laughs.]
The conscience that never takes a vacation.
Stratton, what are you still doing here? Didn't Colonel Potter tell you to to shove off? He didn't tell me to shove off.
He just bored me with a lot of bad advice.
You know something, Stratton and don't take it personally I think you stink.
Hey, what's the matter with you? I'm just trying to conduct a little free, honest enterprise.
- Isn't that what we're fighting about? - You know, Stratton you call yourself a businessman, but you got a very limited inventory.
- You could make a fortune if you'djust expand a little.
- What do you mean? Well, all these ashtrays, pistols and bowls are fine.
But the real demand is for arms, legs and feet.
I got some customers for you right here in post-op.
You created a demand.
Why don't you just start supplying it? Not funny, Pierce.
Real bad taste.
What are you wasting your time talking to this creep? - If my fiance, Donald Penobscott - Lieutenant Colonel.
- Lieutenant Colonel Donald Penobscott - Of West Point.
That's him.
If he were here, which he isn't, you know what he'd do? - Buy an ashtray? - Negative.
He'd take this bum by the neck, and he'd deck him! Ow! It's a good thing Donald isn't here.
Yeah.
Stratton could get hurt.
Oh, Father Mulcahy - Yes? - [Sneezes.]
Gesundheit.
Oh.
Oh, Klinger.
Oh, I'm glad it's you.
Who were you expecting, "Shipwreck" Kelly? - What are you doing up there, Klinger? - I'm catching cold.
Well, can't you do that down here? - Hello, Father.
- Hello, Colonel.
Did you know Klinger was up the basketball pole? Yeah, he's a human foul shot.
You ready to land, Mr.
Lindbergh? Are you ready to send me back home to Toledo? - No can do, Klinger.
- No can land, Colonel.
- [Sneezes.]
- Bless you.
- Thank you.
- He's catching a cold.
Sounds like it.
He's just being stubborn.
I'm not stubborn.
I'm crazy.
Give me a Section Eight.
You're not even half crazy, Klinger.
So make it a Section Four.
Send me as far as San Francisco.
From there I'll hitch.
I'll settle for a Section Two.
Send me to Honolulu.
From there I'll swim.
[Sneezes.]
- Bless you.
- Gesundheit.
What are you gonna do with this slug, Cooper? It's gonna be my good luck piece.
Funny kind of good luck piece.
It could've killed you.
Could have, but it didn't.
That's why it's lucky.
Okay.
- I'm going for some coffee.
- I'll bring the antidote.
- Are you his mother? - Yes.
- How's he feel? - [Speaking Korean.]
[Korean.]
- He has pain.
- Yeah.
Tell him I know.
I'm sorry I can't make it all go away.
[Korean.]
He's been hunting for brass shells for a long time? For two years.
To help support our family.
And when he feels better, he's gonna go back into the minefields? He will go back.
War is such a noble adventure.
Okay.
Okay, pal.
You're gonna be okay.
[Humming.]
[Exhales.]
[Klinger Sneezes.]
[Sneezes.]
You weird freak! [Chuckling.]
"Dear Louise, Guard this object with your life.
"It's a priceless Korean antique.
Yours truly, your husband, Frank Burns.
" - What a sexy note! - Don Juan he ain't.
- All right.
You got it? - Right here.
Give my regards to Fort Wayne.
- What do we do with this? - Potter will see it gets back where it belongs.
Imagine, 800 years? You know how old that is? As I recall, it was the last time I had clean shorts.
- Can I have your elbow, please? - Mm-hmm.
Got ya, you little thief! [Grunting.]
[Grunting.]
[Glass Shatters.]
Uncle! Uncle! I give up! Margaret, you? Guess what I found in your footlocker, Frank.
Oh, pussycat, I just wanted a little reminder of what we once meant to each other.
Go suck an egg! - Couldn't we wrestle some more? - What? I didn't know it was you.
It was no fun at all.
Once again, but not so rough.
- Ow! Ow! - Let that be a little reminder of what we once meant to each other, creep! Margaret.
Marg How about two out of three falls? - Morning, Major.
- Good morning, sir.
- May I join you? - Certainly.
- I'd like the two of us to have a little chat.
- Fine.
What's on your mind? Well, I know temper is a difficult thing to harness particularly if you've been drinking and if your ethnic background - has a tradition of settling things physically.
- What are you getting at? Well, Major Houlihan, you gotta stop getting bombed and beating up our officers.
- Who said that? - Easy.
I'm sure they deserved it.
What I'm trying to say is, it's always better to talk things out than punch them out.
- Let me explain what happened.
- I don't wanna hear the details.
- I'm talking! - Go right ahead.
In both cases, I was unjustifiably provoked.
I was responding to "unseemingly," unmilitary behavior and if it happened again, I'd do the same thing.
I see what you mean.
I'm glad we had this little talk.
So am I.
Have a good day, Colonel.
Uh, good day, Major.
An egg's an amazing thing.
There's nothing as hard and yet as delicate.
Except my arteries.
The egg is so versatile.
You can do almost anything to it.
You can boil it.
You can fry it.
You can scramble it.
- You can put a hat on it.
- Put a lid on it.
I'm tryin' to read.
Some private from the 8063rd just set a new pole-sitting record.
On news like that, we can take the day off.
Ninety-four hours and 18 minutes.
What tomfoolery.
Leave it to Drake to promote that sort of nonsense.
- Who's Drake? - C.
O.
Of the 8063rd.
I can see his fine hand in this.
Little bits of tawdry glory are all that matter to him.
I still remember the day he swallowed 23 goldfish to break the old record at Camp Grant.
To see him strutting around, you'd have thought he'd licked the kaiser single-handed.
- What was the old record? - Twenty-two.
- I was sick as a dog for a week.
- [Laughs.]
Klinger! Colonel.
I give up.
You win.
I'm coming down! Hold it! How long's it been so far? About two days.
In hours.
How long in hours? About 48.
Great, Klinger.
You're more than halfway there.
How's that, sir? You've got just 46 hours and 19 minutes to go to break the MASH pole-sitting record.
Forty-six hours and 19 minutes? You mean you want me to stay up here, sir? You can do it on one wing, Lindy.
But, Colonel, it's cold as a witch's elbow.
I'll give you your choice.
You can stay up there or come down here and swallow 24 goldfish.
Did you say The first 18 are easy.
Would you send up my flannel nightie and my genuine imitation fox stole? - Is he gonna be okay? - What are you doing here, Stratton? Hey, white flag, okay? I got something for the family.
It's a gift.
Fifty bucks.
- No, no.
Take it.
- Thank you.
Yeah, this little guy is one of my best suppliers.
I figure a guy in business shouldn't forget something like that.
Oh! Hey, Chin, you hurry up and get out of here, and I'll take you up in my whirlybird.
You know [Imitates Helicopter Whirring.]
If I were you, I wouldn't fly with him.
You know? [Whirring.]
Got something for you.
Here.
Oh, great.
Perfect gift for a child.
Well that's how good this is.
It looks like a real Chinese pistol, huh? Clever! Very.
Can you get me a cigarette lighter that fires bullets? I got a brother-in-law in Chicago that can get as many of these as I need.
What does a kid need with a cigarette lighter? Well, when he quits smoking, he can always sell it.
- Stratton, uh, come on outside.
- Yeah, we wanna talk to you.
- What about? - Your future.
Hold it.
If you guys are gonna get rough - I can get you in a lot of trouble.
- Come on.
Let's go.
This gonna be a fair fight, or are you gonna do two against one? We're not gonna hit you.
We want you to disappear.
- I got a right to be here.
- You got nerve.
You think because you slipped the family a couple bucks, that gets you off the hook? Oh, you people just don't appreciate me.
The other guy that had this route was heartless.
One of his kids got hurt, he'd just send flowers.
I'm glad to hear the business was taken over by a humanitarian.
Why don't you face facts? There's nothing you say can change me, and nothing you do can stop me.
- Stratton, you're a sick man.
- [Chuckles.]
That's one man's opinion.
Make that two.
I'm worried about this man, Doctor.
He looks anemic.
- Look at the color of his skin.
- Pallid.
- [Hawkeye.]
Very white.
- There's nothing wrong with me.
- Low blood count.
- He could pass out up there.
- Hey, cut it out.
- This is serious.
- I can't let this man fly.
- I agree.
Not fly? Hey, wait a minute.
Wait.
Hold it.
You can't do that.
- Actually, we can.
- We'll have to give him a blood test.
- I have a feeling he'll flunk.
- I think you're right.
Hey, hold it.
Hold it.
Hold it! I got an announcement to make.
I just went out of the business.
I think he's getting better.
- Okay, but I keep flying, right? - Right.
Oh, boy, you guys are crazy.
You're really kidding yourselves.
Fine, you got me.
Great.
But there's a thousand other guys hustling out there.
What are you gonna do, change the world? - No, just our little corner of it.
- So long, Stratton.
Take a walk.
You know I sold a thousand of these? It's my last pair.
[Chuckles.]
At least I got a souvenir.
Klinger, wake up! You broke the record! - [Snorts.]
Huh? - You did it! Yeah? I got the record? And a three-day pass in Tokyo whenever you're ready to shove off.
I'm ready.
I got the record.
[Chuckles.]
I got the record.
I got the record.
- Thank you, Colonel.
- Don't thank me.
You've earned the pass.
I meant for making me stay up there.
- I set a record.
- That's right! Yeah, but someday some kid will come along and break it.
In an imitation fox stole and army shoes? Not a chance.
- Hey, that's right! I set a record.
- [Laughs.]
- [Knocking.]
- Who is it? - [Margaret.]
It's me! - Margaret? Come in.
What did I do? I mean, what can I do for you? You owe me $15.
- What for? - For this.
Oh, you got your ring back.
Now stop picking on me! - Here, look.
- It's beautiful.
Look inside.
Read the inscription.
I can't make it out.
I don't have my glasses.
You don't wear glasses, Frank.
- Maybe I can borrow some? - I'll read it to you.
- "To Louise.
Love, Frank B.
" - I can explain that.
So can I.
You were gonna give my ring to your wife? It only looks that way.
The engraver made a mistake.
It's a typo.
I want it removed.
You can give me $ 15 or 15 teeth.
Will you take a check?