New Girl s05e22 Episode Script

Schmidt? Schmidt.
Nah, it's me.
Easier to clean myself off this way.
Aly told me she loved me last night.
Then she yakked on my pants, and then I yakked on my pants.
I picked the wrong day to start cuffing my pants.
Yeah, she ain't going to make it to the wedding.
Have you seen Schmidt? This is very important.
What? The best man has lost the groom, or something? In what world would that happen in? In what world? In what world would that happen in? It's one thing for Sam to dump me on your wedding day, but then to be like, "You have feelings for Nick.
" Yeah, nice diagnosis, Dr.
Dick.
- Is he that off-base? - Yes.
Now, we're not devoting any more of your wedding day to this subject.
Nick for Jess.
Incoming knocking.
Jess, have you seen uh, uh, cherries? I'm so confused by your question, that I'm just going to answer it, uh, directly.
Yes, I've seen them.
Hmm but have you seen the cherry that I'm talking about? What do you mean? I the I was with it, and then the cherry's gone.
This is cherries.
This is cherries.
Yes! Yeah, I'm counting down the minutes till I can get in that guy's pants.
Ah.
Thank God, Schmidt.
Where are you? I'm flying to Portland to try to get Cece's mom to come to the wedding.
Hold on, one second, okay? No! It was my job.
You still there? I-I don't know if you remember this, but w-we have plans today.
It'll be fine, okay? I have return tickets for 1:00, 2:00 and 3:00 p.
m.
on this ultra low cost, no-frills, disgusting airline.
Tray tables, $12.
Cece is crushed that her mom is not coming, and I can't take a vow that all I care about is her happiness and not try to do something about it.
I know you're a terrible liar, but I need you to lie to Cece.
You can handle this, Nick.
- Schmidt's on a plane?! - You said you weren't going to yell.
You said, and I quote, "It's no biggie.
" Hey, um, I think I did something wrong with my bangs.
I'll be right there.
- So will Schmidt.
- Oh, my God.
- What? - Uh, no, he won't.
It's bad luck for the bride to see the groom on the wedding day, Nick.
Uh, that's just dumb superstition.
He'll be right in.
Cece.
Two minutes.
Okay, I'm timing you.
I need you to pull it together, and just say something simple.
Schmidt's asleep.
- Schmidt is asleep.
- That's Schmidt's asl What-what rhythm are we doing? The normal human rhythm.
Okay.
Schmidt is asleep.
Schmidt is asleep.
- Nick.
- Did I say it, or no? - You said it, - But it wasn't right.
But it sounded very weird.
- But it wasn't right.
- Just say it like all one.
In all one.
Yeah, Schmidt is asleep.
- You could just say, Schmidt's asleep.
- Got it.
Schmidt's asleep.
Got it.
No, you're putting weird emphasis on weird syllables.
- You do it.
- Schmidt's asleep.
Hey, Cece, Schmidt's sleeping, slip.
I'm so nervous, I'm going to screw this up.
You're always so ready to believe the worst in yourself, and right now, I need you to believe the best, okay? I just need you to tell one lie.
- Okay.
- I believe in you.
- Here comes Schmidt! - What? Yo, Winnie.
Hey.
How you going to prank the wedding, bro? You always prank weddings, that's what you do.
You've never gone along with one of my pranks before.
This is exciting.
Coach, I've lived many lives.
The Winston that you used to know is gone.
A few hours ago, Aly told me she loves me, and that made me a serious man, in a serious relationship.
The Winston Bishop that you see here today is about one thing and one thing only: and that is organizational excellence.
You forgot to make an aisle.
Aw, shoot.
This is a full redo.
Incoming knocking.
Incoming kn Oh, hello, Cece.
Schmidt is asleep.
Oh, my God.
I'm so proud of you.
I know, I'm an incredible liar.
Yeah, pace yourself, 'cause that was one lie.
We're going to need about 40 more.
Or one big one.
Okay, we tell Cece we're giving her a bridal vitamin, but secretly we give her a sleeping pill that we take from Dr.
Sam.
Dr.
Sam dumped me.
Last night.
He was in love with his best friend, so.
Predictable.
He's out of his mind.
Thanks.
You okay? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Ah, so we're both going solo to the wedding.
- Yeah.
- We're both going drag.
I think it's stag.
- Hmm? - Never mind.
Let's go together.
For old times' sake.
Let's go together.
Have some fun.
You're going to need someone to dance with.
You know I'm a good dancer.
Okay, but I'm not dancing - to "Single Ladies.
" - All right.
We won't dance to "Single Ladies.
" - Okay.
- I might dance to "Single Ladies.
" Hey, guys.
Ferguson is on the elevator.
Is that okay? Reagan's here.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Jess, Reagan's here.
My Reagan's here.
Our Reagan's here.
Your Reagan.
- Our Reagan.
- Your Reagan.
- The Reagan.
- Jess.
- Reagan's here.
- Hi.
You asked me to be your date to the wedding, and I had to be in town anyway, so here I am.
Excuse me one second, Reagan.
It's cherries on the phone.
Wedding stuff.
Kitchen's still the kitchen, bathroom's still the bathroom, and Winston's married.
Oh, I know.
He texts me every day.
Schmidt, are you calling me from the sky? This Chinatown bus doesn't have a sky-phone, or working landing gear, apparently.
They said we're going to be stuck on the tarmac for hours.
You're screaming in my ear.
That's motherhood, lady.
Get used to it.
Schmidt, you are getting off that plane in time for your wedding.
Schmidt's on an airplane? Cece? Oh, my God.
Are you sitting on your walkie? Oh, no.
Cece.
Schmidt's asleep? This is by far the most romantic thing that anyone has ever done for me.
I love you so much.
This is why I'm marrying you, because you do stuff like this.
This is the happiest day of my life.
It's also so dumb.
So dumb.
Like, so dumb.
Just the dumbest.
I want to take all your clothes off and kiss every single part of your body.
I want to do stuff that makes us feel ashamed about what we've done, - but we won't have to - Babe.
Hey, babe.
Babe.
I want to make love, - fall asleep while we're making love, - Okay, you're on speaker.
You're on speaker, so Dream of making love and wake up still making love.
- Hey.
- Hey, Schmidt.
I'm also here.
Cece.
Listen to me.
I'm not going to miss this wedding.
I'm going to get off this plane no matter what.
You just need to buy me an hour.
We got this.
There's been a minor delay.
The vineyard dog is giving birth.
Get them drinky so they don't get thinky, over.
So do you know the bride or the groom? The bride destroyed my heart.
I destroyed the groom's Jew penis.
Mm.
I hope you guys are giving a toast.
Ladies and gentleman, I'm afraid it's going to be another hour, and we are out of snacks.
Damn it! I'm getting married today! Somebody get me off of this plane! People are getting hammered, over.
Look at this goddess.
Don't do this to her.
I swear to God, I will scream sing every last word to Les Mis.
Sir, if you don't sit down, I'll have you removed.
- Perfect! - And placed in FBI custody.
I suppose I'll just have a tomato juice.
Hi.
- Hi.
- How are you? - I'm good.
How are you? - Good, yeah.
Great, look at this.
What is that, a towel? - I think it's a pashmina.
- "Pashomina"? Pashmina.
I'm sorry, I just can't believe you came.
I did.
Things I'm feeling: excited.
Number two: scared.
I mean, are we gonna do this? You and me? Take it home.
Take it to the mat.
I don't know what that means.
You know, like, the big "R.
" Oh, a relationship? No.
No, no.
See when I say, The big "R," I'm, of course, talking about, uh, rasslin'.
Yeah, I think that's a "W," "W-R.
" Do you ever feel, deep down, that you know at some point you're gonna have a stroke and it's gonna be really bad? Jess I have some Honduran matrimony beads for my son.
Where's Schmidt? Winston.
Winston.
I cannot believe I'm asking this but I need you to prank this wedding.
Please.
Please, we need to distract people.
He's a serious man now.
He doesn't prank anymore.
Just look at his eyes.
All the mischief's gone.
If this were another time, another day, hell, even six hours ago Listen to me, you bird-shirted, puzzle baby.
You get out there and you do something totally idiotic right now! Funston, we have a pranklem.
I'm not good at these.
It's a weird one.
Okay update.
The vibe's getting ugly.
People are getting dangerously drunk.
I found a loose EpiPen on the floor, which can't be good.
I think we're gonna have to start telling people that Schmidt's on a plane.
Or not.
Don't freak out.
Mom? Schmidt's on a plane? Mom, what are you doing here? If you've come to object to this wedding, you are too late, and in another sense, because it's delayed, you're too early.
That's not at all why I'm here.
Mama P.
Schmidt with the latest, "Why I Love Cece.
" Today's episode: Honesty with a Capital Ouch.
He called you? Every Monday for the past year.
Your daughter is the best thing I just lost a fight in the desert, but And I want her to be the last thing I see when she pulls the plug.
But it's not an A-plus unless we both finish.
She's so beautiful.
The odds are really stacked against our children.
They're not all winners.
I just know that if you miss your daughter's wedding, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life.
I am delighted for you to marry this man.
For those keeping score with row five, Cece's mom is at the wedding! Just get here when you can, okay? We'll wait until you do.
You know what? Have the party without me.
Babe.
No.
Okay, no.
Have the party.
We'll We'll get married at City Hall with all the immigrants and liberals and first cousins.
Your whole life has been about this party.
My whole life is you.
Plus, my cousin Nathan is just dying for something to go wrong.
I'm so happy.
I have an idea.
Conga! Whoa, whoa, running out of room here.
Let's back it up.
Shut up.
Winston, you don't have to prank the wedding anymore.
Okay, cool, cool, cool.
You know, FYI, I was gonna go with a simple, classic streak.
Cece's mom showed up.
Come out to the party.
Oh! No! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, no! No! No! Sounds like you're under water.
Oh.
As we all know, marriage is about sex and property.
Everybody say that with me once.
Marriage is about s I imagined that differently.
You're okay.
You're okay.
Pull it together.
Just let the index cards go.
Speak from the heart.
You know who I'm talking to when I say you were rude to me earlier at the bar.
And now who's in control? I could point to you and call you out, but I won't.
When I first met this guy, Schmidt, I thought, "I'm not gonna be friends with him.
" I don't like his personality.
" Magic's fake.
Believe what you want, but I want you guys to think about something, and now this is off the jack.
In a couple generations, we're all gonna be dead, and no one's gonna remember any of us.
I mean, think about it.
Do you remember your great-great grandparents or or their parents, or what they did day to day? The point is, it doesn't matter.
Everyone you know will be dead.
That's right.
Congratulations, man.
I love you.
Best friends.
That's my time, everybody.
Thank you.
Look, if it made sense, it wouldn't be my wedding.
Your speech wasn't that bad.
My speech was fantastic.
It's the best 17 minutes of my life.
- I really opened up my heart.
- I was gonna say.
Nah, I'm just feeling bad about Reagan.
I think I came on too strong, or-or I don't know.
She told me she's leaving tonight on a train.
On a train? Where's she going, Hogwarts? No, San Diego.
I don't know if "Hog-warts" is near San Diego.
- I've never heard of it.
- Never mind.
But, I mean, it's okay.
I just, I feel like I, you know I just got excited for a second.
Nick, she came here to see you.
I bet you're reading into it.
What if I go talk to her? Talk me up a little bit? - Woman to woman? - That's implied.
Winston.
No hay Weenstons.
It's ocupados.
Winston, I know you're in there 'cause I'm looking at a picture of your butt cheeks right now.
Oh, that's a working class butt.
- Nothing wrong with that! - Mm.
Give me - Give me those.
- That's a fatty.
You got a fatty.
This is not Winnie's day.
Ernie, give him your jacket.
- What? - Give me the damn jacket.
All right, here, dude.
I jabbed my giblets in the breast pocket.
Tie it around your waist.
Then that leaves the front porch open or the back.
I don't think this is gonna work.
I'll just sit here cold and naked while my best friend gets married.
Look, you were right, Coach.
I'm not a serious man.
I'm a nude, apple bottom, long-fronted dumb-ass.
Ooh, look.
At least you can change the background.
Look.
Now I'm in the Oval Office.
That's crazy.
Winston, you're a groomsman and a bridesman.
It doesn't get more serious than that.
You can't miss this wedding.
But what am I supposed to wear? I am looking for the groom.
Schmidt.
What's up, man? I know I'm wearing a photo booth curtain right now.
That does not take away from how incredibly happy I am for the both of you.
Thank you.
Winston, I'm going to get off this plane soon.
Oh, dear Lord! Winston! Pick it up! Don't squat! So, I mean, I feel like I really put myself out there, right? I got on a plane, and I flew across the country to see him.
I couldn't get him out of my head, you know? Yeah.
Yeah.
And then he says the word "relationship," and I freaked out, because You know what, I don't know.
Am I crazy to want a relationship with Nick? I mean, you guys were together.
What happened? We were kind of a mess.
I wanted him to have a plan for his life and not keep his money in a box in his closet.
And he wanted me to not care about those things.
That's not so bad.
I mean, who really has a plan for their life? Who does that? Me.
Me.
I d I did it.
I do it.
I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there who keep a very traditional banking account.
Yeah.
There are.
And I just dated one of 'em.
And I I don't think any of that stuff matters.
Thank you.
You are awesome.
Thanks.
I'm gonna go do this.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I Yeah, I know.
You don't have to say it.
Cece, Schmidt wants to talk to you.
- Thank you.
- Babe, the plane's moving.
Oh, okay.
Maybe they're going back to the gate.
Maybe I can get there before they release the monarch butterflies.
Oh, my God, that is so great, babe! Ladies and gentlemen, we are finally bound for Portland.
Aah! No! What are you guys doing here? It's the middle of the night.
Ow! Winston! The hell is wrong with you? We use that stuff to revive passed-out derelicts.
Come on, buddy.
We got to get you ready.
What? You already sprayed that.
- Yes - You don't have to spray it again.
- Honestly, dude, you're ruining it.
- Relax.
You want to get married? I don't think that I can wait another second.
May this couple be blessed and be helpful to one another in all ways.
Just when I thought you couldn't make me any happier, look what you did today.
You're amazing.
I hope for as long as we stay together, that I always remain someone that you want to hollah at.
I look forward to a lifetime of joy, growth and constant mispronunciation of common words.
For the first time, I see what the rest of my life looks like.
I now pronounce you husband and Oh, wait, uh, we need the glass.
What? Hey.
I'm just getting Cece some leggings for the hora.
Can't have everybody seeing the bridal bouquet.
I don't know what you said to Reagan, but I want to say thank you, because she wants to go for it with me.
She wants to do this.
Well, that's awesome.
Congratulations.
Yeah, I'm freaking out.
I can't believe it.
I mean, why does she want to be with me? It doesn't make any sense.
You of all people know that I'm just the weird detour you take before you find the guy you want to be with.
I basically just help women realize that they could do a lot better Stop it, Nick! I'm tired of you being the only person who doesn't see how incredible you are.
Okay.
I'm, uh, I'm incredible.
Yes, you're incredible.
All right, thanks.
All right, I'm booking a ticket.
A ticket? Yeah, Reagan is going to New Orleans for work for three months and she asked me to go with her, and I'm gonna do it.
Don't make this about you! Get in line and hora! All right, let's do it.
So nice of your mom to get us this trip.
Much better than my dad's gift of weed gummy bears.
Aah! What the hell is happening?! - What?! What is happening?! - No! No! Ha-ha! Happy honeymoon! Winston! How long has he been in there? It's gonna ruin the whole freaking vacation! Honeymoon prank! What are you all drinking?