NewsRadio (1995) s05e22 Episode Script

Well, that's everything.
So, uh, let's get to work.
What's the point in working now that Mr.
James retired and moved to New Hampshire? Mr.
James still owns the station, right? And even though he lit out for the wilds of New Hampshire I still fully expect him to come walking through that door any second.
Dave, you have been fully expecting him to walk through that door for a full two weeks.
I continue to fully expect him to walk through that door any second.
You just watch.
Just any-- Any second now he's gonna come through that door.
Justbam.
Just right through there.
You know, you're all just gonna have to trust me on this one.
Hey, gang.
Ha, bam.
Thank you, ma'am.
No, everybody sit down, sit down.
Come on now, everybody.
I didn't come bearing gifts or anything like that except for this.
I-I brought this for you Matthew.
What is it? It is a sprig of balsam fir all the way from New Hampshire.
Wow, it smells like really good bathroom disinfectant.
All right.
I told everyone you'd be back.
Well, what, uh-- What made you so sure? Well, you know, you still own the station.
Right.
Right.
Anyway, I sold the station.
I just flew back here to finalize some paperwork so I can get out of this hellhole.
No offense.
You actually like it up there? Yes.
Sure.
It's-- It's wonderful up there, Joe.
It's like-- Like New Hampshire is-- Is for lovers.
Saw that on a T-shirt and made it my own.
Mr.
James, are you really gonna leave us? Yeah.
I'm afraid so, sweetie.
I know.
I know it's-- It's okay.
Look, look, could you all excuse me for a second? I gotta talk some business talk to Dave here.
Please don't go.
Joe? Thank you.
I'm gonna miss that little monkey.
She does have an incredibly strong grip.
I'm talking about Joe.
You're really gonna stay up there, huh? Well, sure.
Why wouldn't I? I mean, I got crickets to sing me to sleep at night.
I got, you know, a rooster to wake me up in the morning.
And cows to moo at me while I sit on the porch.
And listen to 'em moo.
And there is nothing at all you miss about big-city life? Well, I guess, there's-- Guess there's one thing.
Well, what? Just a second.
[SOBBING.]
I'm so lonely, Dave.
I'm so lonely.
[.]
[.]
So, you're, uh-- You're lonely, huh, sir? I'm lonely.
So very lonely, Dave.
And yet you're too embarrassed to admit that moving to New Hampshire was a huge mistake.
What? No, no, I love it up there.
I'm just a little lonely, that's all.
Well, sir, I thought-- No, Dave, the air, all right? The air is crystal clear up there.
There's-- There's stars in the sky.
The Vermont maple syrup only has to travel one state.
Believe me, you can taste the difference.
But you have no one to share it with.
No.
That's right.
And you know what I did? You know, I went up there, and I bought myself a little AM radio station, you know? Just some place I could just hang around.
And then, the local people are so nice.
They're sweet people, but it's not the same.
It's not the same without you.
Well, thank you, sir.
I mean, it's nice to be missed.
Yes.
So why don't you move up to New Hampshire with me? [LAUGHING.]
What? No.
I'm serious.
Your own little-- Little radio station nestled amidst the rolling green hills, you know? Well, sir, that's basically what I worked very hard to leave behind in Wisconsin.
Come on, it'll be fun, Dave.
It'll be fun.
Be fun.
Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue.
Dave, that, uh, "New Hampshire is for lovers," that's a T-shirt slogan, not a come-on.
No.
Sir, I was just-- I was quoting-- I was quoting the theme song to Green Acres.
The TV-- Yeah, that's right.
Yes, well, that's another thing.
That-- That is your favorite TV show.
Green Acres.
I'm giving you the opportunity to make your dream come true.
Well, sir, Green Acres isn't my favorite show.
Granted, it's a wonderfully rendered half-hour of absurdist comedy.
Okay, then.
Y-y-you don't wanna come with me, fine.
Just, uh, give me someone else from the staff.
Well, no.
No, sir.
I need everyone to run the station.
Come on.
You need all these people? Yes, sir.
I need all of-- Oh, hold on.
Beth, will you tell Matthew I want to speak to him? Well, I am flattered.
I'll tell you that.
But I've set up an entire life for myself here in New York City.
Would you mind describing it to me? I have cats.
Cats are permitted in New Hampshire.
Perhaps, but are they welcomed? There is a difference.
Yeah, I know.
Look, I'd be willing to offer you a promotion.
To what? Reporter.
Tempting.
Very tempting.
Matthew? Yeah? That's actually what your job is now.
Is it? Yeah.
Intriguing.
Very intriguing.
You know what? Just gimme a little time and just let me think about it.
Okay.
Sure.
Absolutely.
Mr.
James, why are you trying to take Matthew away from us? Well, to tell you the truth, Beth, I wasn't that crazy about taking Matthew in the first place.
I-I get what you're doing here.
Reverse psychology, right? Yeah.
That's, uh-- That's right.
Nice try.
Mr.
James, this isn't fair.
You can't take Matthew up there just to play the role of some silly little puppet that amuses you.
He plays an important part of what goes on around here.
And what would that be, Joe? The role of the silly little puppet that amuses me.
He's mine, dude.
Get your own.
Matthew's not going anywhere.
Matthew has never lived more than five miles away from his mother in his entire life.
We all have to leave our mothers, sometime.
Well, put it this way.
When Matthew's mother dies, I'm imagining him dressing up in her clothes and murdering transients.
Okay.
Just hang on for a second.
Has anybody considered that this might be a good thing for Matthew? New Hampshire has a lot to offer a young man like him.
Really? Like what? Well, like square dancing every Saturday night.
with the volunteer fire department.
Really? Yeah.
Do they call the Virginia Reel? Sure, they do.
What's the Virginia Reel? The original forbidden dance.
Do they require membership? No.
Just a lust for life and comfortable shoes.
Well, that's how you spend your Saturday nights up there, huh? Hoo-ha.
Oh, sure, yeah.
No, they're-- They're hopping and bopping.
They're bumping and grinding with a bunch of very lonely, volunteer firemen.
I did not hear that part.
Do they dress up in their little firemen outfits? Well, I'm sure a pretty little city gal like you could make them dress up in anything you want them to.
Policeman outfit? Sure.
Would they cuff me? Now, hold on here.
Just wait one second.
Will you pay us the same that you pay us here? Oh, sure.
I don't wanna give up my apartment.
But I'd be willing to pay for it while you're there.
Mine, too? Yeah.
No.
No.
Nobody gets to go but Matthew.
Why does Matthew get to go? Because Matthew is completely and utterly useless.
You're just not cut out for country life.
No.
You're a city boy.
Through and through.
Yeah.
You get your gritty energy from the mean streets of Manhattan.
Is it that obvious? It is, dude.
Yeah.
Truly is.
But, you know, maybe New Hampshire is just the place for me to finally make a name for myself as a, uh-- Uh, as a Reporter.
Right.
One of those.
What are you gonna report on? Cow parties? They have those? No.
But, you know, they have serious stuff.
Like when those guys go up there because they wanna be president-- New Hampshire primaries.
Right.
That thing.
When is that? It's coming up in nine months but the grassroots organizational activity, which is the real story, has already started.
Also they have that great college up there.
Dartmouth.
I bet they have some ragers.
Do you guys remember when Mike Dukakis won New Hampshire, and we all thought the second coming of Camelot was imminent? I gotta go talk to Dave.
I mean, everybody thought Tsongas had it all wrapped up.
But so much for statistical sampling, huh? One of these days I have to open up your stomach and reprogram your motherboard.
LISA: Hi, Dave.
Hi.
What's with the cigar? Huh? Oh, celebrating.
Matthew has agreed to go to New Hampshire with Mr.
James.
He has? Yes, he has.
Want a cigar? Well, I am all packed up and ready to go.
Ah.
So soon? What's with the cigar? They're cigars of sorrow.
Oh, wow.
Well, that makes me wonder if I'm doing the right thing here.
Huh? Well, I'm abandoning you.
No, Matthew, Matthew, Matthew.
We must-- We must think of Mr.
James.
He's very lonely.
Well, why can't he just buy a cat? He's Lutheran.
Uh-huh.
Well-- Well, duty calls.
Yeah.
So I guess, goodbye, Dave.
Thanks, man.
Oh, thank you.
Okay.
Easy there, big fella.
Bye, Matthew.
Yeah.
Well, I can't believe you got rid of him.
Oh, I'm not getting rid of him.
You know, it's just, uh-- You know, a sabbatical of sorts.
So it's not permanent? No.
No.
It's just, you know, a year.
Maybe two years.
You sure you don't want a cigar? Yes.
I want a sabbatical.
No.
Yes.
No.
No, no, no.
Yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
It's just like you said, it's not permanent.
It's just a little time away.
No, you're not moving to New Hampshire.
Come on, history is happening there even as we speak.
I mean, who knows what's brewing? Perhaps a replay of Bruce Babbitt's famed October semi-surprise.
Or maybe even another Mo Udall come to sweep a cynical nation off its feet.
Wait.
You think you'll be happy up there trudging around in the snow, watching two-bit bureaucrats debate the merits of a national flat tax to a cross-section of demographic sub-groups? Oh, Dave.
I knew you'd understand.
Forget about the primaries.
That's just part of it.
Important thing is, I get to get back into print journalism.
You know, Mr.
James owns a radio station, not a newspaper.
No.
He also owns a small weekly newspaper.
Since when? Since I told him I would only move to New Hampshire if I could edit a small weekly newspaper.
What am I supposed to do without you? That's what you said when we were breaking up.
And look at you now.
You're-- Fine.
You've got that great apartment.
You gonna give that up? Yes, Mr.
James said he would pay for it.
Yeah? And you've got a husband in prison to support.
He makes license plates.
He has an income.
Why don't you just come with us? And work for you? No.
You could run the small country radio station.
I'll edit the small country newspaper.
I'm sure they'll make for fiery debates over the old pickle barrel.
Dave, what ever happened to your sense of adventure? I don't have one.
I never had a sense of adventure.
You said that's what you liked about me.
I don't think it's fair to take something I said in the throes of passion and rub my face in it.
Yes, okay.
But I get to keep the printing press, right? I need to talk to you right now.
The Collins County Register.
Do you think anybody would hate it if I called it the Daily Jimmy? I know, I know it's a weekly.
I just like the name.
Mr.
James.
I need Just hold.
to talk to you now.
We'll work it out.
Yes, we will.
Okay.
Bye, neighbor.
Why are you doing this to me? Ah, doing what? You can't have Lisa.
I need Lisa.
She made up her own mind.
After you bought her a newspaper.
I don't see anybody stopping you from buying a newspaper.
No, look.
I gave you Matthew.
That's it.
I need someone to fix all the mistakes Matthew's gonna make.
Well, why not Beth? Oh, great, I can have Beth too? No, it's just that, I mean, if I have to choose between taking Lisa and taking Beth, I would prefer it if-- What am I saying? No.
I don't want you to take anyone.
I need everyone here.
We need you in New Hampshire, all right? No.
Yes.
I'll tell you what.
I'll buy you a pig.
What? Just like in Green Acres.
You can call him Harold.
Just think about it.
Arnold.
Wait, Dave, Dave.
Can I talk to you? You know, Max I really don't have time to discuss lack of name-brand snack foods in the break room.
You know what? I am really not gonna miss your sarcastic streak.
What's that supposed to mean? Means I'm leaving.
I'm New Hampshire-bound, pardner.
No.
You're not going anywhere, Max.
Well, Lisa's going.
Yes.
Yes.
Which means that you're my only on-air talent.
Oh.
So you admit I'm talented.
No.
I said you are a talent.
That is your job classification.
Oh.
So you're saying I'm not talented? You're talented.
Too late.
Max, why do you even want to go to New Hampshire, huh? Mr.
James bought me a pig.
Are you a big Green Acres fan? Green what? Thank you.
Will Mr.
Nelson be needing anything else? No.
No, I don't think so.
Let us be clear here.
Am I no longer needed? Uh, yeah.
I think so.
Yeah.
You son of a bitch.
I knew it.
Uh, is it National "Have Your Secretary Institutionalized" Day? Oh, ha.
Sarcasm.
The last refuge of sons of bitches! What is this about? Oh, I'll tell you what this is about.
This is about me spending five years of my life fetching coffee for a know-it-all hick.
It's about cleaning up after him and it's about laughing at all of his jokes that nobody gets except all the other hard-up nerds who play video games and watch TV because they have no life! I am not going to pretend that that didn't hurt a little.
No, yeah, let's cut the pretending-- And get right to the point.
I thought that I was a valued employee.
And then you sold me out to Mr.
James.
What? Cut the innocent act, Dave.
I heard you tell him he could take me if he didn't take Lisa.
Then maybe you also heard I didn't want him to take anyone.
Don't lie to my face.
I'm not.
It's true.
I would hate it if you went to New Hampshire.
Really? Of course I would.
My eavesdropping has gotten so sloppy.
I'm really sorry, Dave.
That's all right.
It's just fine.
But I called you a know-it-all hick and a hard-up nerd.
You know what? We'll just live with that, all right? You know? This is so embarrassing.
Oh my, God.
I can't even look you in the eye.
Oh, Beth.
Don't be silly.
It was just words, all right? There are those messages I left on your machine.
Words.
The letters I sent.
Just more words.
Don't worry about it.
And there was the package.
Huh? Dave, promise me you won't open that package.
I promise.
Okay.
You know, I think the best thing for both of us is for me to just get out of town and start somewhere fresh.
But where? That really won't be necessary.
Mr.
James! Beth.
Oh, my God.
Dave.
Wait a minute.
Wait.
Dave, wait.
Trust me on this one.
I can't believe you'll let everybody quit like that.
It's just a case of temporary insanity, you know? Mass, infectious, but purely temporary insanity.
I can't believe I'm never gonna see those guys again.
Well, Joe, I mean, even if they do go up there, you know New Hampshire's only a three-hour drive.
Maybe for you but I don't travel.
No.
It's a really nice drive.
I don't think you get it.
No? I've never been outside of New York City my whole life.
Never? I took the ferry to Staten Island.
Does that count? No.
Then never.
I figure I was born here in the cradle of civilization.
Why would I wanna go anywhere? I know.
You've got a point.
Plus, when you leave the city that's when they get you.
When who gets you? The aliens.
You know, 93.
7 percent of all abductions occur outside of New York.
Okay.
Let me just see if I've got this straight.
You've never left New York City limits because you're afraid that-- Ah.
I'm not afraid of anything.
No, I understand, Joe.
I just wanna be clear on that.
I'm Joe Garrelli, and I'm not afraid of anything.
Fine.
You know, Joe, you know what? I really wouldn't worry about it, okay? I'm sure they'll come back and visit us from time to time.
I mean, you know, those that are still on the planet Earth.
Dave? You're right.
Right about what? I gotta go up there.
I gotta help them.
I gotta confront my fears.
No.
No, Joe, confronting your fears, that's the coward's way.
They don't even know what's in store for them.
Abductions.
Implants.
Forced breeding.
I gotta be brave.
No, be afraid.
Be very afraid.
Dave, you don't want a Matthew-alien hybrid running around out there, do you? Well, no.
But-- Dave, it's too late.
My path has been set.
I'm gonna go up to New Hampshire and kick some little alien ass.
Or tentacles or whatever they got.
I'm just gonna shoot low and kick hard.
I gotta go.
Well, this is-- This is strange, isn't it? I never thought I'd be staying at WNYX longer than everybody else.
Even me? Well, except you, Max.
No one's forcing you, Dave.
There's a seat in the minivan with your name on it.
I call shotgun.
It's already been called.
Unfair.
Dude.
If something goes down wouldn't you have me riding shotgun? And I do mean literally.
Dave, we got you a little something.
Just a reminder of all of our days together.
A coffee mug.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Remember when we all used to work together and you would always drink coffee? Heh.
Yeah, vaguely.
Vaguely, yeah.
And-- And there's a picture of all of us goofing off on it.
So when you start to miss us, you can look at it and remember how irritated you used to get.
Yeah.
Well, whose idea was it for Max to take his shirt off? ALL: Max.
I do all my own stunts.
This is very-- This is very sweet.
Okay, people.
Going up to the country.
Got to get away.
I wouldn't waste too much time saying goodbye to Dave.
I have a feeling we're gonna be seeing him again real soon.
When will that be, sir? When you come to your senses and realize you're passing up the opportunity of a lifetime.
Come on, people.
( sighs ) I'm sorry.
I can't.
Are you sure, Dave? Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, I-I guess we, uh-- We all knew this day would come eventually.
I-- I-I suppose it's nice that so many people will be staying together.
Bye, Dave.
Bye.
Yeah, we'll see you, Dave.
Oh, and I just wanted to say one more thing.
You're all making a huge mistake.
No, I mean you're being stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid.
JIMMY: We'll miss you too, you gap-toothed little monkey.
Matthew, what are you doing under there? Surprise! Remember how you thought I was gonna abandon you? In your dreams, buddy.
Yeah, in my dreams.
What do you want me to do? We gotta get crackin'.
Want me to do electrical work? Do some reporting? Read the news? Get ya some coffee? Well, y-you-- You take your pick, okay? I'm gonna get you some coffee.
Great.
How do ya take it? Hot and black.
How 'bout cold with little things floating on it? Great.
It's me and you, pal.
Me and you forever.
I know.
[.]