Scrubs s05e22 Episode Script

Today started off on a high note.
Ernie, the homeless guy, shattered the record for the most blood donations in a month.
Whoo! Congratulations, Ernie.
Nineteen pints! - He probably needs a little more juice.
- Yes.
Even though we were sending Ernie upstairs to most likely get some of his own blood back, I couldn't help but smile.
Today, Dr.
Cox was returning back to work after the accidental death of three of his patients.
OK, there he is.
Just play it cool.
What is the latest on Mrs.
Riley up in 403? Mrs.
Riley was admitted with shortness of breath and then she developed a Stay cool.
Stay cool.
Aw, screw it! You sent those demons right back to hell, didn't you? Straight to hell! OK, here's a bud clearly in need of nipping.
Newbie, there are some things that, if they happen, we do want to make a big deal out of them, a cure for cancer, teaching dogs to talk, and you walking past the food cart without referring to cream cheese as "cow fudge.
" I like to play with words.
However, of all the things there are to make a big deal out of, can my return to this hellhole please, please, please not be one of them? Well, sure thing, Perry.
But, uh, there is one problem.
# Welcome back # Your dreams were your ticket out # Welcome back # To that same old place that you laughed about # Well, the names have all changed since you hung around # And them dreams have remained since you turned around J.
D.
! That's when the background comes in.
# Who'd have thought they'd lead you? Who'd have thought they'd lead you? # That's a run I was gonna do, but now is awkward.
It's unbelievable.
Since Dr.
Cox was back, I decided to knock out all my errands extra quick.
And what better way to get started than with my new 18-wheeler scooter horn? First, I grabbed a quick lunch.
Then I returned some e-mails.
Finally, a shortcut through the mall parking lot, which meant dealing with the skate rats and their famous ring o' fire.
Ring of fire! Whoo-hoo! Top that, dude! Sasha! # I can't do this all on my own # No, I know I'm no Superman # I'm no Superman # With Sasha back in the scooter shop, I decided to buy a bike and get some exercise.
I can't remember what happened to my old bike.
Ow.
- Nice helmet.
- Actually, it's not a helmet, it's a hair-met.
See, it's got extra room built in so you don't mess up your hairdo.
I'm gonna go ahead and write you a prescription for two testicles.
You get it filled whenever.
That's weird.
It felt like that had happened before.
When you work at a hospital five years, situations are bound to repeat themselves.
You know, doctor, I'm getting tired of your sexual innuendo.
In your end-o.
Dr.
Kelso, it's so cold in Pediatrics, the kids are wearing mittens.
Hey, champ, what has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso.
How you doing? That's what déjà vu is, feeling like you've lived the same moments a thousand times.
Whether it's Turk's tepid response to the baby stuff Carla makes him do Friday, we meet the baby-proofer at the apartment.
Oh, I can't wait! or Dr.
Cox giving Elliot a hard time Barbie, why did you order this test? For the love of God, are you a real doctor or a doctor like Dr Pepper's a doctor? Or the Janitor having menace in his eyes.
That looks like trouble.
Hey, come here a sec.
We want to do stuff to you.
OK, just distract them before they do what they've got planned.
- We were thinking - I got a riddle for you.
- This isn't how you said it would go.
- Troy.
We're listening.
Two coins add up to 30 cents, and one of them is not a nickel.
I think I've heard this before.
What are they? It's a riddle.
You figure it out.
Troy, get your hat.
We're going to the bank.
Look who's back, Mrs.
Goldstein.
It's Dr.
Cox.
How was Acapulco? We told everyone you were in Acapulco.
I never went to Acapulco, Mrs.
Goldstein.
I lost three patients and spent the last two weeks on my couch trying to drink myself to death so that my victims and I could be reunited in the afterlife and they could rightly have their vengeance.
I realized that that tactic would never work, as I'd be sent straight to hell, which, I imagine is a lot like Acapulco, only there'd be fewer Latin men trying to sell me Chiclets on the beach.
All the best.
Is there a reason you're still near me? We covered Mrs.
Goldstein while you were gone, but she's your patient.
Her BP's dropping.
It might be time to push thrombolytics.
Yeah, but she could bleed out.
I suppose you could wait and see how she does.
Then she could decompensate.
Well, those are the two options, so what are you gonna do? I'll be right back.
Did you guys just see that? Dr.
Cox had to make a decision, he completely froze.
He's probably just thinking it over, Elliot.
He never used to think things over.
He made gut calls right away.
Listen, Reid, normally any damage to Dr.
Cox's oversized ego would be cause for celebration.
Yet, for some reason, I'm not wearing a party hat, sitting bare-ass on the hospital copier machine.
You know why? It's not because I have "Johnny" tattooed on my butt.
He was a Navy buddy.
If you went through what we did, you'd understand.
Again with the déjà vu.
It's because your little theory is way off.
If you don't want to be there for him, it's your decision.
But I'm going to be.
J.
D.
robs the ball! Black guy open! No ball in the hall.
Sorry, Leonard.
I wouldn't be mad if that was the first time.
They come three to a can.
Why you playing basketball? I thought you had to have lunch with Carla.
She's taking a pregnancy nap so I get to do whatever I want.
I'm telling you, J.
D.
, Carla being pregnant is awesome for me.
I get to watch whatever I want while she reads her pregnancy book.
- I get to eat all the good food.
- Echhh.
And, of course, ring of fire.
Ring of fire! Bottom line, pregnancy's awesome! OK, two coins, equals 30 cents, no nickels.
I could swear we've done this before.
You went to Yale for God's sake! Relax.
I figured it out.
A penny and a button that you wrote "29 cents" on.
You think I don't recognize your handwriting? Can't we just kill him? How's therapy going? - Dr.
Cox, do you have a second? - Of course.
- I was wondering - You're done.
- What? - You asked for a second.
I think you'll find I'm being quite literal here at work today.
Ask anyone.
Lonnie, what happened earlier when you said, "Give me a break"? You broke my sunglasses in half.
Had to be done.
The man looked preposterous in aviators.
You still haven't made a decision about how to treat Mrs.
Goldstein.
Oh, thanks for the reminder, Barboo.
What would I do without you? Look, joke if you want to, but you're gonna have to make a decision.
Mrs.
Goldstein's life depends on it.
But what if I'm wrong? All right.
She'll have a ginger ale, he'll have a beer, and I'll have an appletini.
Hell, I'm gonna have a real drink.
- Make it a nectarini.
- I don't know what that is.
Oh, come on, Kevin.
You know.
Make it.
Make sure I don't have too many nectarinis.
I gotta drive my bike home.
Don't worry about it.
Carla can't drink.
She'll drive you home.
- Right, baby? - Sure.
- Sweet.
- Better idea, come over to our place, she's going straight to bed.
- We'll stay up late, watch Judge Dredd.
- Ninety-ninth viewing! OK, ice cold beer, nectarini and ginger ale.
There's nothing better in this world than the first sip of an ice cold beer after a long day.
Ditto for a 'tini.
- It really takes the edge off.
- That's it.
No beer for you.
It's not fair.
I'm here pregnant, you two are having the time of your lives.
From now on, if I can't do it you can't do it.
- Carla, that's ridiculous! - Not you! Fair is fair, Turk.
Incidentally, dynamite nectarini.
That man knows his way around nectar.
I used to just look into my gut and know what to do.
Now I got all this self-doubt.
Barbie, you got massive amounts of doubt, romantically, professionally, personally.
How do you deal with it? Treadmill, crank the incline up to 15 and just run through the tears.
Look, Dr.
Cox, I know that you're scared, but, believe me, your gut is still there.
You just have to have the courage to listen to it again.
You really think so? I know so.
Push thrombolytics.
Thank you, Barbie.
I'm just glad you let me help.
There's no better feeling than helping someone out.
Laverne, Dr.
Cox made a decision.
He wants to push thrombolytics.
Yeah, I know.
He told me that three hours ago.
What? Maybe that's why it hurts that much more when you end up looking like a fool.
This is why the headache didn't go away.
It's actually pronounced analgesic, not anal-gesic, all right? The pills go in your mouth.
Elliot, do you ever get déjà vu around here? Barbie, there you are.
Thank God.
Unfortunately, yes.
As you know, I can't make a decision without your help, so here goes.
On Oprah, there's a story about Lindsay Lohan's eating disorder, but on E! there's a story about Lindsay Lohan's fabulous new Tribeca loft.
Don't get me wrong, I want to watch something about Lindsay Lohan.
I'm just a little lost here.
FYI, that loft is Lohan-tastic.
It's vintage Lindsay.
When you walked away from Mrs.
Goldstein anyone could've thought you were in trouble.
I had to go the bathroom, Barbie.
People, from now on, if anyone needs to take a leak, please notify Dr.
Reid.
It is a pet peeve of hers.
"As it is a pet peeve.
" - Oh, really? You think that's funny? - A little bit.
- Carla, Turk's drinking coffee.
- No! If your pregnant wife can't have coffee, then you can't.
Please have some sort of nut.
Hazel.
Careful, Turkelton.
First, it's no coffee.
Next thing, she'll want you in the delivery room, holding her hands while she pushes the little bugger out.
My man will be there when his baby is born.
Of course he will.
It's a different generation.
Know this, 90 percent of all childbirths are accompanied by an accidental dookie.
Dude, I'd be a mess if I had to give up my joe.
I have a full-blown addiction.
Hopefully, that won't come back to haunt me.
Where did you get this? Who taught you how to use this thing? You, all right? I learned from watching you! Damn it, Billy! At least he's using good beans.
Guess I'm gonna look like a porn star when I'm older.
Hey, we solved your stupid game.
Yeah, we've been to the li-bary! "Brary," Troy.
Library.
Two coins that equal 30 cents, one of them not a nickel? A penny and a 1972 dime with a Roosevelt imperfection, today worth exactly twenty-nine cents.
OK, no.
The correct answer is a quarter and a nickel.
No, 'cause you said one of them isn't a nickel.
Right.
The other one is.
You lied to me.
It's a riddle.
Oh, your face is red like a straw-brary.
Don't have kids.
Excuse me, Dr.
Reid.
I just wanted to let you know I'm going to pee.
What a jackass.
I hate it that you two aren't getting along.
I'd get you together to talk, but you're stubborn.
I'd never be able to do it on my own.
Well, there is one way.
I don't want to hear Floating Head Doctor.
Elliot, save it.
He's gone.
Fine, fine, fine.
I will apologize to Elliot.
I don't know how you'll get her to talk to me.
Oh, don't you worry about that.
Body! Get her! Get a good night's sleep.
Hey, put me down! I'm talking to a patient here! What are you doing? Oh! Well, she's dead.
Stupid, stupid body! Oh, you want some of this? Too slow! A little late! Oh, nice try.
J.
D.
, don't worry about it.
I'll handle it.
- Head fight body again? - They can't get along.
I don't get it.
Turk, what are you doing? - You can't ride the bike.
- Why not? It puts too much pressure on my cervix.
Baby, I don't have a damn cervix! And how else am I supposed to exercise? You can do everything that I do.
You can have yogurt, you can listen to classical music, gently rub my belly.
You know what? That's it.
What's it? What do you think you're doing? You better not open that.
You better not OK, but you better not drink it.
Fine, but you better not enjoy it.
Ahh! Did you just bitch-slap my beer? Are you calling me a bitch? Yes.
Yes, I am.
Baby, you OK? I feel funny.
You know, I've been thinking about it and only you could go through all that stuff you did and come out the other side the same mean-spirited jerk.
Barbie, please.
They're about to show Lindsay's breakfast nook.
In fact, in the five years that I've been here, you're the only person who hasn't changed one bit.
Well, that's not entirely true.
Since the arrival of my son, I think I've become more patient.
Plus, I can't believe these words are coming out of my mouth, I've learned that not all of Newbie's ideas are completely ridiculous.
Do you love it as much as I do? Well, with me, you've never been anything but an unsupportive bastard, and you know it.
You have it on the chart he called me a bitch because he wanted to drink, right? I don't really have a section for that.
Well, put it under family history, it's part of ours now.
All you had was a little round ligament pain.
It's common.
I'll meet you outside.
Babe, I'm sorry.
You know what? This was actually kind of nice.
How was this nice? You being here with me, all concerned.
It feels like since I got pregnant, everything's changing for me, but nothing is changing for you.
So yes, you can drink.
Just maybe not do it in front of me? And sometimes, when I'm reading my pregnancy book, maybe you can ask me about it? And occasionally, on a Friday night, when I'm too tired to go out, maybe you can stay in and get fat with me.
I can get fat? The bigger you get, the tinier I'll look.
- Oh.
- Come on, come on, please.
How's Mrs.
Goldstein doing? Fine.
OK, lookit.
How's about we act like adults here and lay our cards on the table? You know you're not exactly my favorite person in this dump.
And I say that knowing full well you feel the same way about me.
I started an "I hate Cox" chat room.
Hasn't worked out the way I planned.
It's me, two interns and 14,000 lesbians.
How about we just agree that we're never gonna be that close? We could, except for one thing.
I know we have our issues, but I always respected you.
And you haven't given me more than an ounce of that since I started here.
I didn't go in that bathroom to take a leak.
I went in because I was petrified that I was gonna make the wrong decision about Mrs.
Goldstein.
I didn't want anybody to know, because it is so very important to me people see me the way they used to.
Bulletproof.
And hopefully, admitting this to you will make you feel respected.
It does.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
It's understandable why I've been feeling so much déjà vu.
After five years, it's hard not to feel like you're repeating moments week after week.
Gotta run.
They're doing a breast reduction on three, and I want to get up there and stop it.
You know what I'm talking about! Son, do you not realize that you're nothing but a large pair of scrubs to me? So I guess all you can do is try to notice the subtle differences within those moments.
Whether it's Turk's response to the baby stuff Carla makes him do Friday, we meet with the baby-proofer at the apartment.
I can't wait.
or it not bothering Elliot when Dr.
Cox gives her a hard time.
Barbie, why did you order this test? For the love of God, are you a real doctor or a doctor like Julius Erving is a doctor? Of course, sometimes, things are gonna repeat themselves in the exact same way.
What the hell? It's a riddle.
Two guys destroyed your bike with a softball bat and a crowbar.
One of them wasn't me.
Oh, that's what happened to my old bike.
Ha! - Good day, fellas.
- See you tomorrow.
Troy! This one's over.