Star Trek: Voyager s05e22 Episode Script

Harry throws it in gear, floors the gas, and backs us right through a burrito stand.
So, when are you going to teach me how to drive? You sure you're ready? I've piloted Starships.
I think I can handle a car.
Ah, you'd be surprised.
The clutch on a '69 Mustang can be pretty tricky.
Take a look.
She's watching us again.
She's working.
Relax.
Dessert? What is it? Some cheese I prepared for our Kadi guest.
Tell me what you think.
It's a little bland.
Just a little? Oh, that's bad.
The Kadi don't approve of spices.
Anything that might inflame the senses.
You're talking this mission very seriously.
The Kadi are easily offended.
The Captain's leaving their representative entirely in my hands while she's at the colony.
I'm sure you're up to it, Ambassador.
I hope so.
She's watching us again.
You're imagining things.
I don't think so.
B'Elanna! Enjoying the view? Explain.
You've been staring at us all night.
In fact, you were following us yesterday when we were walking to Engineering and the day before when I was waiting for Tom outside the shuttle bay.
You are correct, I have been observing you.
It's part of my research on human mating behaviour.
Stardate 52647, fourteen hours.
Subjects quarrel in corridor outside female's quarters.
Male returns with twelve flowering plant stems, species rosa rubifolia, effecting a cessation of hostilities.
Stardate 52648, oh three hundred hours.
Intimate relations resume.
How the hell do you know when we're having intimate relations? There is no one on deck nine section twelve who doesn't know when you're having intimate relations.
Is there a problem? I want all the data you've collected.
I haven't completed the study.
Then study this.
Borg provokes Klingon, Klingon breaks Borg nose.
B'Elanna! Call Sickbay.
Tell them there's about to be a medical emergency.
B'Elanna, let's go have a nightcap.
This time you've crossed the line.
I read B'Elanna's report.
Needless to say, I was surprised.
I was careful not to violate protocols.
That's not the point.
This is a starship, not a nature preserve.
Oh, I'm missing a pip.
You asked me to broaden my knowledge of human behaviour.
I'm not questioning your goals, Seven.
It's your methods.
Shouldn't be taking field notes on the crew.
Help me with this, will you please? Have you ever considered trying it yourself? Romance, I mean.
I do not require a romantic relationship.
So why'd you collect thirty thousand gigaquads of information on the subject? I'm late.
I missed this on my first pass through their database.
Kadi monks only wash with purified water so sonic showers are out.
I've already equipped his quarters with an ablutionary fountain built to their specifications.
They observe eight daily services.
Noted.
Show the ambassador our best side, Neelix.
I don't want him going back to his superiors with tales of how immoral we are.
Energise.
The ritual greeting.
Travellers who have left the sanctity of their home and family, we welcome you into our home, our family.
Accept these symbols of our purity and the goddess mother's blessing.
Commander Tuvok, the senior officer who will accompany me, and Mister Neelix, who will familiarise your Ambassador with Voyager.
Tomin is an excellent judge of character.
He'll help us determine whether your crew is worthy of receiving our minerals.
He's in very good hands.
It is time to welcome you to our home.
This way, Ambassador.
Voyager's an Intrepid class Starship with a crew of one hundred and forty six, designed for long-term exploration.
I thought we'd start with a tour of our primary systems.
First stop, Engineering.
I was hoping I might sample a food item I noted earlier in your data files.
Hasperat.
It's a Bajoran dish, very spicy.
I believe that your dietary protocols prohibit flavourful foods.
I want to broaden my palate while I'm here, in the interest of better understanding.
In that case, first stop, Mess hall.
Your cortical implants are operating at peak efficiency.
Nanoprobe levels stable.
Complaints? None.
I heard about the Mess hall incident.
This crew can be very efficient at disseminating information when they choose to be.
They say gossip travels faster than warp speed.
So why were you studying Tom and B'Elanna? Scientific curiosity.
Are you sure? Perhaps there's a reason that hasn't occurred to you.
You're a woman, Seven.
Is that an observation or a diagnosis? A simple biological fact, with repercussions that are hard to deny.
What is your proposed treatment.
Perhaps you should consider expanding your research to the realm of dating.
Dating.
You mean procreation.
One step at a time.
Dating is a human ritual wherein two people share a social activity, get to know each other.
In time, it can lead to a romantic involvement and eventually, if all goes well, even marriage.
One step at a time.
This could be an important stage in your social development.
It's worth exploring.
The Captain would seem to agree.
How shall I proceed? You mean, we.
I'll prepare a lesson plan.
Meet me on Holodeck two in one hour.
Most women start dating a little younger than you but, better late than never.
I've prepared an introduction.
I call it Love Amid the Stars.
The Milky Way, home to thousands of humanoid species and countless courtship rituals.
Klingon males initiate courtship by biting the female.
Here we see two Bolians getting to know one another.
The courtship rituals of some species remain shrouded in mystery.
For example Species 8472 appears to have as many as five sexes.
Bystanders better keep their distance.
Of course, the species you're most likely to interact with is human, so without further ado, Lesson One.
First Contact.
There are any number of ways humans can meet prospective mates.
Here we see the chance encounter.
Equally common is the formal introduction.
When first contact is successful romance quickly ensues and, in the happiest of circumstances, procreation.
Here we see how fortress ovum is besieged by countless little warriors.
Doctor! I'm familiar with the phisiological process of sexuality.
Well, then let's skip ahead to the first of the practical exercises.
Lesson two.
Encounter in a Public Place.
Computer, initiate holo-program Paris three.
Our location? Chez Sandrine.
It's on Earth, in a city called Marseilles.
Ensign Paris whiled away a good portion of his Academy years here, no doubt to the detriment of his scholastic performance.
Now, pull up a bar stool and pretend you've come here to meet the man of your dreams.
Hi, there.
Hello.
Come here often? This is my first time.
You must be new in town? How do you like the south of France? It is very quaint.
Exactly as I've always pictured.
It.
May I buy you a drink? I don't require a liquid supplement at this time.
You're not giving this a fair chance This exercise is pointless.
It may seem pointless, but small talk is a vital dating skill.
It helps to establish a rapport with your companion.
Perhaps there's something to be said for assimilation after all.
All right, why don't you try your own approach on that gentleman over there.
Go ahead.
Very well.
Hello Hello May I buy you a drink? Uh Sure.
Steven Price, and you are? Seven of Nine, tertiary adjunct of.
You may call me Seven.
Seven.
That's an unusual name.
Please, have a seat.
Looks like Sandrine's is under new management.
Who deleted my pool table? Shh! School is in session.
More social lessons? Watch.
You might learn something.
Curious jewellery.
It's a Borg implant.
I was a drone.
Oh, so then it's a family heirloom.
Borg do not have families.
They have unimatrixes.
Well, in that case, why don't you tell me about your unimatrix.
They're hitting it off, don't you think? He's a hologram.
Your point? Well, you programmed him to interact with Seven.
Real people don't respond the same way.
Under my guidance, she'll be dating real people in no time.
You're teaching Seven how to date? Ha! Talk about the blind leading the blind.
I've had my share of romantic encounters.
Are you implying that Seven couldn't get a date? Are you kidding? Half the men on this ship would jump at the chance.
But getting a date is one thing, keeping it from turning into a disaster is another.
I have every confidence in her social skills.
Well, fine.
Let's say you get her a date.
This is the holodeck, the cards are stacked in her favour, but if you want to really put her to the test you have to do it in the real world, where anything can happen.
Mister Neelix is hosting a reception for the Kadi ambassador on Thursday night.
Not only will Seven arrive with a date, she will have him eating out of the palm of her hand.
Put your latinum where your mouth is.
If Seven brings a date to the reception, and leaves with the same date, on good terms, without causing a diplomatic incident, I will work double shifts in Sickbay for the next month.
And if she fails? I get a month off.
It's a bet.
Where are you going? Our small talk is terminated.
I have mastered this exercise.
We can proceed to the next.
If I were you I'd start looking for somebody to fill in for me.
One Ktarian pudding.
Mmm.
Ah.
Mmm.
Ah, the texture is so frothy.
It seems to be evaporating in my mouth.
The recipe includes a catalytic agent designed to do just that.
If we don't hurry, we'll miss Lieutenant Torres.
She's been waiting half an hour.
You're right.
Engineering, your warp core.
I must see that.
In our society males and females work separately, but I can see the wisdom of your approach.
Promotes a more stimulating environment.
It's time for third prayer.
Yes, it is, but I think I can forego this service and perform the appropriate penance later.
It's more important that I continue exploring your culture.
Perhaps another dessert? Good morning.
It's time for lesson three.
Getting to Know You.
Elaborate.
The key to finding a compatible partner is learning how to share your interests and goals.
We'll start with hobbies.
What do you do with your spare time? Regenerate.
Ah.
Tell me about your tastes, your likes and dislikes! I dislike irrelevant conversations.
Okay.
Which brings us to goals.
What do you want out of life? Perfection.
Perfection is a laudable goal for oneself, but you can't expect it from others.
I learned that lesson myself when I was first activated.
One of the ways I adapted was to pursue interests people could identify with.
Holo-photography, for example.
Opera.
Music does have intriguing mathematical properties.
Excellent.
Perhaps we can mould this curiosity into an interest.
Something you can share with others.
Let's see how much you know.
Here we see.
A basic musical phrase in the major mode.
I've done a preliminary study of the topic.
Sing it for me.
Seven, has anyone ever told you, you have a beautiful voice? It's a true gift.
The gift is from the collective.
A vocal subprocessor designed to facilitate the sonic interface with Borg transponders.
Let's try something a little more challenging.
You are my sunshine? It's a simple melody from Earth's twentieth century.
A good piece for beginners.
Sing The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms.
That was flawless, but try putting a little more emotion into it.
Like this.
When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken and I hung my head and cried.
See? Computer, add instrumental accompaniment.
On to the chorus.
Together now You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
You make me happy when skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear, how much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
you make me happy when skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
Seven, I need the data from those last two Astrometric scans.
In a moment.
That looks like the crew manifest.
The Doctor asked me to pick a suitable candidate.
For what? Lesson ten.
The first date.
Your first date? I've narrowed the list to two crewmen, based on work performance and compatible interests.
I didn't know you had any interests.
Neither did I, but apparently they include astronomy, quantum mechanics and music.
I play the clarinet, you know.
You are not one of the candidates, Ensign.
Oh.
Well, maybe I could help you pick Mister Right.
Ensign Bronowsky, assigned to the Airponics bay.
His work record is flawless and he plays the accordion.
Badly, very badly.
He's got no sense of humour.
Lieutenant Chapman, Structural Engineering.
Chapman's a nice guy.
We worked together on an away mission.
He seemed efficient.
Robertson, if that's you, I need an isolinear spanner.
It is not.
I apologise, Lieutenant.
I didn't mean to startle you.
No, my fault.
You need something? Your presence is required er, rather, it is requested, tonight.
Nineteen hundred hours, holodeck two.
Another engineering simulation? Dinner.
Dinner? The consumption of nutritional biomatter.
No, I know what dinner is.
I just.
Are you asking me to join you? Yes.
State your response.
Okay.
Yes.
Please be punctual.
I will, thanks.
A dropped tool can be a workplace hazard.
Be more careful next time.
Seven! Please state the nature of the medical emergency.
I have a date.
Sorry I'm late.
It's quite all right.
In fact, why don't you take the day off? Relax.
Those double shifts are going to take a lot out of you.
Oh? Seven of Nine has a date tonight.
If all goes well, as I'm sure it will, he'll accompany her to the reception tomorrow.
Who'd she pick? Lieutenant William Chapman.
Ha! Chapman? Good luck.
What's that supposed to mean? He's renowned for being nervous around women.
So.
Are you kidding? Seven's dominant personality will have him running for the airlock before dessert.
Seven may seem intimidating, but that's only a reaction to the way people treat her.
In fact, she's an efficient and charming young woman.
Efficient.
I'll give you that, but charming? Most people don't take the time to look beyond her exterior.
Did you know she has a lovely singing voice? No, I didn't, but then again, I've never asked her to sing for me.
What are you implying? It sounds like you're getting a little infatuated with your star pupil.
Infatuated? That's absurd.
Whatever you say, maestro.
It was part of the lesson plan! You're meeting with him in ten minutes, Seven.
Why aren't you ready? I am.
Aren't we forgetting something? Lesson eight, Dress for Success! My appearance is sufficient.
Sufficient yes, but you could use a little more panache.
Let's start by doing something different with your hair.
I don't have much first-hand experience with this, but, try shaking your head a little bit.
Is this more appropriate? Yes.
When I first designed your dermaplastic garment I also tried my hand at some casual attire.
You might want to replicate one of these.
How shall I choose? I think you'd look very nice in this one.
I am uncertain how to wear such a garment.
Assist me.
Oh, I, I, I'm sure you'll manage.
I'll go prepare the Holodeck.
Remember, the idea is to have fun tonight.
I'll expect a full report in the morning.
You, you look beautiful.
Thank you Thank you.
You look beautiful as well.
Thank you.
Er, would you like to sit down? Where is our designated location? Best table in the house.
I wasn't sure you'd actually show up.
I requested your presence.
Well, to be honest, I thought one of my friends put you up to it.
Um, Champagne? Synthehol impairs my cortical function.
Water will suffice.
Mind if I? Proceed.
I must admit I'm a little nervous.
Elaborate.
Oh, let's just say it's been a long time since I've been out on a date.
I've never been on a date.
As a result I am experiencing anxiety as well.
Well, I guess that means we've got something in common.
Garson.
Server, report to this station.
We require your assistance.
Problem? This creature has an exoskeleton.
It's a lobster.
They're a delicacy on Earth.
Try it.
I will replicate you a new garment.
I'm fine, fine.
It's just a little bit of exoskeleton.
Maybe we should order dessert.
You wish to accelerate our social encounter.
No, no, I didn't say that.
I'm just, er, I'm having a very interesting evening.
Would you like to dance? That activity is covered in Lesson thirty five.
I haven't reached it yet.
I'm not much of a dancer myself, but it might be fun.
As you wish.
Relax.
Try to relax.
You seem a little tense.
Relaxation would disrupt my chronographic sequencer.
It allows me to maintain synchronous movement with the music.
That's handy but maybe you could ignore your chronographic sequencer and, er, let me lead.
That's better.
You are damaged.
No, I'll be all right.
You've torn a ligament.
I'm afraid you'll have to report to Sickbay.
Mister Paris will treat you.
No need to mention how this happened.
I had a great time, Seven.
Let's do this again, someday.
I have failed.
Nonsense.
Even Romeo and Juliet hit a few snags at first.
Besides, Lieutenant Chapman's not the only lobster in the sea.
I wish to terminate our social lessons.
Just because you didn't achieve perfection your first time out, doesn't mean you should give up.
Dating is a poor means of interaction.
There is far more efficiency in the way you and I communicate.
We say what we mean, simply and directly.
You and I do have a rapport, but we're colleagues.
We're not pursuing romance.
No.
I'm certain you'll be able to master these basic skills in short order.
My first date was certainly short.
Was that a joke? Lesson Six, beguiling banter.
Now you're getting the hang of it.
Perhaps this evening doesn't have to end so abruptly.
This may be a good time to cover Lesson thirty five, Shall We Dance? Computer, play Someone To Watch Over Me, instrumental only.
We'll begin with some simple steps.
Place your left hand on my shoulder and your right hand in my left.
Now follow me, one step at a time.
Don't worry, I don't have any ligaments to tear.
Another drink! Ambassador! Neelix! My friend, my host, my saviour! Neelix, I want you to meet, Alandra and Tria.
What are you doing? I'm sampling yet another entree on the menu of pleasure that you have opened up for me.
I checked today's menu, and they're not on it.
Coffee, black.
Neelix, I decided to go exploring and I found your holodecks, where I discovered this little gem still simmering in the memory buffer.
You can explore it later.
Right now, we've got to get you to your reception.
Pungent taste.
What is it? Coffee, and there's plenty more where we're going.
No coffee on our colony.
Nothing to tempt the appetite of even the most weak-willed novitiate.
Neelix, a confession! I am thinking of leaving the colony, joining Voyager.
I want to throw off my vows and immerse myself in your wonderful culture.
That's just the synthehol talking.
No, I've never been more clear-headed about anything, and I have you to thank.
That's right.
Up.
There we go.
Hard at work? Our lessons have disrupted my duties.
Then I suppose you're too busy to attend the Ambassador's reception.
My presence is not required.
True, but it might be an opportunity for you to apply your newfound social skills.
Lesson eleven, Life of the Party.
Exactly.
Join me? Are you asking me on a date? I suppose I am.
Then I accept.
Is my appearance sufficient? You look perfect.
How do you bend a hologram's ear? Use a prism.
What did the counsellor say to the hologram? You're projecting.
This humour, it's a revelation.
Are you sure you wouldn't prefer some more coffee? Coffee.
Yes, I'll have that too.
Go.
Neelix, is it my imagination or is our guest of honour drunk? Commander, I tried.
I had an itinerary, I even set up a prayer dais in his quarters, but I just couldn't control him.
The Captain is due back in the morning with the Kadi minister.
What do I do? Pray.
Well, well, well.
What do we have here? Mister Paris, I believe you know Seven of Nine, my date for the evening.
Oh, you don't say? Well, your last date ended up in Sickbay.
I hope this one goes a little smoother.
There's no need to be insulting.
It's all right, Doctor.
I believe he is merely engaging in small talk.
May I get either of you gentlemen a drink? Yes, a gin and tonic with a twist.
You know I don't drink.
I don't have the stomach for it.
A well-crafted joke, Doctor.
Impressive.
You've actually taught her to be polite.
But, don't think you've won our bet.
She was supposed to bring a real date.
Photons and force fields, flesh and blood, why quibble over details.
I'm just as real as any of you.
Where's the funny man? Mister Tomin, please, why don't, why don't we sit down.
Oh, there he is, there he is.
Ensign Paris, tell us another one of those hologram jokes.
You've been stealing my material? That guy's so lubricated he'll laugh at anything.
There he is, the Ambassador of humour.
I could use a little help here.
Seven, perhaps now would be a good time to review lesson twenty three, Toast of the Town.
Very well.
Ladies and gentlemen, I require your attention.
May cultural differences encourage us to build bridges of understanding.
To all that makes us unique.
Who is that extraordinary female? Seven of Nine.
I want to meet her.
Take a number.
That was lovely.
Thank you.
I've got to admit it, you've done wonders.
All right, you win.
Win? I know when I'm licked.
You tell me when you want me to start those double shifts.
You made a wager regarding me? Clarify.
It's not what you think.
Um, don't blame him, it was my idea.
I believed your interest in my social development was sincere, not motivated by personal gain.
It was sincere.
Clearly I am not the only one who requires social lessons.
Thank you for a lovely evening.
Hey, why don't we go back to my quarters? I've studied human mating rituals.
Remove your hand or I will remove your arm.
Did you hear what she said to me? I am the guest of honour! Ambassador, it's been a long day.
Maybe you should get some rest.
No! I'm not leaving! I want another drink.
I thought synthehol wasn't supposed to have this effect on people.
Most people.
The enzymes that break down synthehol aren't present in his bloodstream.
Can you counteract the effects? I can synthesize the enzymes, but that'll take days.
Days? The Captain will be back in the morning.
Maybe he needs a cold shower.
If his superiors find him like this he'll be banished from the colony and our trade agreement will go right out the airlock.
Oh, Seven of mine.
It may be possible to encode some of my nanoprobes to assimilate the synthehol molecules.
Assimilate me! There may be some adverse effects.
Please.
But it's worth a try.
The Kadi have rules against medical procedures that haven't been sanctified.
I'd say he's already violated a few rules.
What's one more? Either we treat him or he remains intoxicated.
You're his caretaker, decide.
Nanoprobes.
I owe you an apology.
Nanoprobe extraction is an insignificant procedure.
My systems will adapt.
No, I'm referring to the wager I made with Ensign Paris.
I can see how you might have felt manipulated, but I assure you that was never my intention.
I accept your apology.
I want to make this perfectly clear so there's no room for misunderstanding.
I asked you to go with me to the reception because I enjoy your company.
In fact, over the last few days I feel as though we've grown closer.
Closer? We've become more than colleagues.
We're friends.
Friends.
Agreed.
I should begin.
Of course.
I'll take over from here.
Mister Paris.
Hypothetically, if one develops romantic feelings for another person, how does one usually go about expressing them? It's for one of Seven's social lessons.
Ah.
I recommend the direct approach.
Tell the person how you feel.
What if the feelings aren't mutual? Well, that's the risk you always take.
Oh.
Thank you.
Why don't you tell her? Come on, Doc.
It's obvious the Ambassador is not the only one in this room who's intoxicated.
Impossible! She's my student.
A hologram and a Borg? Stranger things have happened.
Just look at me and B'Elanna.
Er, could we walk a little slower? They're due back any minute.
But my throat feels like an ancient parchment.
Can't we go back to Sandrine's for a refreshing glass of.
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, those doors, they're so loud You've got a hangover.
Neelix, I don't remember much of last night but, I imagine I might have said some things.
You spoke eloquently, charmed the entire crew, your reception was a success.
Understand? Yes.
Neelix, you've been most patient.
Well, that's my job, and it isn't over yet.
Welcome back.
Good to be home.
How's it going? All systems functioning normally.
Ensign Kim detected a minor fluctuation in sensor array, but he took care of it.
I was referring to Ambassador Tomin.
Did he enjoy his visit? Oh, well, well, I would say that he, er, he enjoyed himself immensely.
There are many distractions aboard this vessel.
You didn't indulge in any of their more colourful traditions? Of course not.
We followed the itinerary that you approved, to the last detail.
Oh, shame.
Your holiness? It isn't a violation to explore new experiences, as long as you don't make a habit of it.
I see your point.
Shall we conclude our negotiations, Captain? By all means.
I'll show you to the briefing room.
Good work, Ambassador.
Do you like them? Species rosa rubifolia.
State your intention.
I wanted to congratulate you on the latest phase of your social development.
Why don't you read the card? You are my sunshine.
These past few days have been unforgettable.
You've brought light into my life, Seven.
You have developed romantic feelings for me.
It's as if you've become a part of my program.
.
When we're apart, I, I feel like I'm missing a subroutine.
I, I don't expect you to reciprocate but I wanted you to know how I feel.
Computer, end program.
Enter.
Seven.
I wish to speak with you.
What a coincidence.
I was hoping to speak with you as well.
Regarding? You first.
What's this? It's a medical tricorder.
I enhanced its scanning resolution by thirty three percent.
You once stated you desired a more efficient instrument.
I suppose I did.
It is a gift.
Lesson twenty two, Thanks for the Memories.
Is it insufficient? No, no, it's very thoughtful.
I chose to convey my gratitude at this time because I no longer require your assistance.
It's obvious there are no potential mates for me aboard this vessel.
However, if I encounter a compatible individual in the future, I will again seek your guidance.
Guidance.
Of course.
You said you had something to tell me.
I just wanted to say the past few days have been unforgettable.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Computer, activate holo-program Paris three.
Won't you tell her please to put on some speed, follow my lead, oh how I need someone to watch over me.