The Conners (2018) s05e22 Episode Script

1
[BLUESY HARMONICA MUSIC]
I like it, but I am curious,
why are we doing Monday night
dinner tradition all of the sudden?
Everybody's really busy,
and I thought connecting
over dinner would be
a nice way to start the week.
And I got a deal on meat.
I found out the market doesn't
throw away expired meat on the weekends
'cause there's no trash pickup.
Once you're in the know,
you ask the butcher on Monday morning,
and you get it for half price.
So we're basically beating
the beef to the dumpster?
Pfft. There's no way
it's beef at this price.
Hey, look at all the dessert we got
at the day-old bakery outlet.
- Oh, that's perfect.
- Dad's serving day-old beef.
So listen, I have to talk to
everybody about Mark's graduation.
They are only giving
three tickets to family,
so I'm really sorry, it's just gonna be
- me, Ben, and Harris.
- Aww.
Well, since you brought it up,
there's only room for
five people in my will,
so Mark's out.
We're all out. There's no room
because of the bank,
the mortgage company,
Capital One, and the very generous
but unwise people at BevMo!
who let you open a tab.
Well, whether we go
to the ceremony or not,
we've gotta do something
special for Mark's graduation
- like surprise party?
- Yeah.
Well, I have time to organize the thing.
I'll do it. I'll just need help
decorating The Lunch Box.
The Lunch Box?
We go there almost
every day of our lives.
How is that special?
Hey, a lot of
important family moments have
taken place at The Lunch Box.
I mean, sure, I had a
nervous breakdown there once
when it was a Chinese restaurant.
And, uh, of course,
Roseanne got mugged there.
And when you took it over,
it basically tore the family apart.
Oh, don't forget, that's
why you slapped me.
Yep, yeah. Thank you.
So what
what was my point again?
That The Lunch Box is
a black hole of tragedy.
But it's free. So
that's where we'll do it.
- Hey.
- [GASPS]
Oh, my God, I forgot I was supposed
to pick you up from school.
Ah, that's okay.
He called me, I picked him up.
We had a lot of fun
talking smack about you
the whole way home.
Well, go on, tell 'em your news, dude!
I ended up with the highest
GPA in the Honor Society,
so I get to speak at graduation.
[ALL CHEER]
Huh, how 'bout this guy?
You speaking in front of 400 students
is quite an honor.
Can't wait to read
about it in the paper.
I'm sorry, Grandpa.
I know there's not enough seats.
No, this is awful.
Grandpa, I know how important it is
for you to be there, and
I have a ticket, so
let's start the bidding at $25.
Sorry, um,
I'm actually gonna need your ticket too.
Dad called. He's coming.
Well, he sure didn't
mention that on the way home.
[BLUESY ROCK MUSIC]
♪
"The Conners" is filmed
in front of a live studio audience.
This is weird.
Why would Dad suddenly
show up after four years?
I think we should embrace this.
Let's welcome him into our home
and poison him with your dumpster meat.
He's not gonna show up anyway.
He's just gonna flake
like he always does.
Yeah, and Mark will be
crushed if that happens.
I don't like any of this.
You know, I gotta talk to David.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, just be careful.
You know, the bond
between a son and a father
is very complicated.
Luckily, I've worked through
all the emotional garbage
I had with my dad.
Well, I'm gonna go get
some tequila from the garage
and do
do some double shots for
no reason at all.
You see the damage
a crappy father can do?
And this is so David.
He just goes through these phases
where he thinks he can
show up and make good,
and then he can't bear the
idea of people confronting him
about being an absent father,
and he runs away again.
[SIGHS] You know what?
I I gotta text him.
I'm with Ben. For Mark's sake,
just try and be cool.
Yeah, of course.
The emoji that looks like frozen yogurt
but it's brown and has eyes,
that's what I think it is, right?
So no pressure, Louise,
but if David doesn't show,
this surprise party has to
be so good that Mark forgets
about his heartbreaking
relationship with his father
who abandoned him once again.
So I'm thinking photo booth.
Oh, perfect.
That way he can take
a picture like this.
This is where my dad should've been.
Okay, what's your bright idea?
We should take him on a limo ride.
Yeah, we should spend a hundred bucks
so he can stick his head
out a moonroof and yell,
"Whoo-hoo! Class of '23!
I have no friends and
my mom's a lunch lady!"
You know what they
say, pitch, don't bitch.
What've you got?
Well, I think he'd prefer a DJ
and a couple of food
trucks outside the house.
There. I pitched, bitch.
No, no, no.
All right, look, if I'm gonna do this,
you are gonna all have to
agree on at least one thing.
Otherwise it's gonna be a mess.
I've got an idea that'll
make everybody happy:
a pinball machine.
Okay, we're hosting this
party at my restaurant,
and I want the photo booth.
You only graduate once,
and a photo booth is a way
to commemorate this milestone
with the people that you love.
Without it, it's like
it never even happened.
I'm gonna get drunk
with Ben in the garage!
[BLUESY HARMONICA MUSIC]
I just talked to Dad.
He said you texted him
and tried to talk him out
of coming to my graduation?
No, I told him not to
promise he was coming
if there was any chance
he was gonna bail.
And I also told him a
nice graduation present
for you would be a toaster
because ours is not wide enough
to take bagels, thank you.
What were you thinking?
Whether Dad comes or not
is none of your business.
- I want him there.
- Since when is it so important
- to you to have him around?
- Now.
This is my first big milestone in life.
He left when I was a little kid,
and I wanna know my father.
And you don't know what's
gonna happen this time.
Maybe he's changed.
[SIGHS] Honey, you
you sound just like I did
my entire relationship with him.
I've known him for 30 years,
and he never changes.
What's the common denominator there?
You.
Maybe you're creating a
self-fulfilling prophecy.
You're the one who's scaring him off.
Wh how am I scaring him off?
He probably knows that if he comes,
you're gonna point
out every single thing
he's ever done wrong.
Sometimes it's good to summarize.
It helps people remember.
You're already blaming him
for something he hasn't even done.
You're the one who's ruining my day.
You know, I'm old enough
to take care of myself now,
so why don't you just
back off and let me.
♪
[IMITATING HORN]
Your man is home from the hunt.
Oh, you should've been there.
I came face-to-face with
two double cheeseburgers,
and I bagged 'em.
No fries?
Well, they tried to make a run for it,
but I trapped 'em with my stomach.
How's the party coming along?
It's impossible.
Why is this family so casual
about having no health insurance,
but they cannot live without
a DJ and a photo booth?
Just do what you think is right.
And get a pinball machine.
I'm serious, Dan.
This is about celebrating Mark.
Everybody already had their
big graduation moments.
Not really.
Becky quit school, ran
away, and got married,
so she just got her GED.
Same thing with Harris.
They never did the walk.
Well, I'm sure Jackie did.
Yeah, but her parents never
showed up at her graduation.
She was crushed.
So Roseanne and I had to
act like the proud parents.
When Jackie crossed the stage,
Roseanne gets up and yells,
"That's my baby girl!
Go conquer the world
and get Mama an RV!"
Wow.
What happened at your graduation?
Oh, same thing.
My parents blew it off too.
The said the diploma was
just a piece of paper,
and they weren't gonna
miss work for that.
Oh, God.
Didn't that bother you?
Yeah, but I knew I was pretty low
on their list of priorities.
So me and my buddies just went down
to the arcade and played pinball.
Uh-huh.
So that's why that pinball
machine is so important to you?
Yeah, those guys were like family to me.
Then we drank too much and
started hitting each other,
so maybe too much like family.
Wow. Your life sounds like Dickens.
But dark.
Anyway, I'm starting to understand
why everybody is getting so triggered
about what they wanna
have at Mark's party.
- I think I know what to do now.
- Oh, good!
Here's the number of the place
that rents pinball machines.
[BLUESY HARMONICA MUSIC]
Hey.
Hey. Food's ready.
Ooh.
Hey, now that you're a lunch lady,
am I gonna have the honor of seeing
your professional serving skills?
I don't know, are you ready
for a face full of hot corn?
Now you get to serve it, hardware boy.
Okay, you're weaponizing corn.
What's going on with you?
[SIGHS] It's Mark.
He's so anxious for his dad,
who's never done anything
but disappoint him,
to be at his graduation,
that now I'm the enemy.
I told you, there's nothing
you can do about this.
It's classic you blame
the parent you're with.
I know, but it isn't fair.
I get that this is tough,
but, you know, Mark's a man now,
and he's gonna have to work
through this without you.
But he's not a man.
He's my little butterfly.
Well, we may be honing
in on the problem here.
Hey, we both know that
David's gonna screw up.
And Mark's gonna have
to learn the hard lesson.
And then we'll pick up the pieces.
You know?
That's our job, right?
Yes.
You're a nice man.
I'm sorry I threatened you with corn.
[CHUCKLES]
Now can you please take
this pot pie to Mark?
- Yes.
- And
please talk to him
about wearing black socks
for his graduation speech.
I do not want to see white socks
between his black shoes
and his black pants.
It screams, "I have a checked-out mom,
and I'm about to moonwalk
across the stage."
Hey, Mark, why don't
you come on out, buddy?
I got some dinner for us.
- I'm not hungry.
- Oh, come on.
Hey, your vegan mom cooked
you some chicken, okay?
I even heard her whispering,
"I'm sorry that everybody
ate your kids for breakfast
and now Mark's gonna eat you.
And women should support women,
so I feel really bad about this."
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, my God, just slide
it under the sheet.
Oh, no, come on out
here and eat with me.
Come on, we can watch
"Guardians of the Galaxy 2,"
get ready for "Guardians 3."
Going out on a limb
here, but I'm gonna say
that they're gonna be guarding a galaxy.
Do you think they'll be battling
intergalactic monsters like my mother?
Come on.
I know you're just mad 'cause
your mom talked to David,
but she's just trying to protect you.
- [SCOFFS]
- Huh? You get that, right?
Of course you're on Mom's side.
Whoa, hey, hold on.
I'm not on anyone's side.
You don't have to get so defensive.
Why would I be defensive?
A guy who's not my dad comes in here
and wants to give his
opinion on my actual dad.
Hey, hey, don't talk to Ben like that.
Wait, hang on.
I am not giving any opinions.
I am just bringing you dinner
and trying to watch a movie with you.
I I don't wanna talk about your dad.
Good, because it's not your place.
You don't even know him.
No one knows him, Mark,
because he's never around.
If he was, I wouldn't
be the one coaxing you
into eating dinner so we
can get some food into you
while you take shots at me!
Oh, and your mother has a message.
Don't wear white socks
with your black suit
'cause it looks like you're
gonna get your diploma
and break into "Billie Jean"!
What is his problem?
I just want my dad at my
high school graduation.
Everyone else has that. Why can't I?
Oh, my God,
you stupid, sweet, awful boy.
Maybe Ben's problem is that
you keep going on and on
about this romanticized
version of your father
that's gonna show up and fix everything
when you've already got a guy right here
who shows up and fixes everything.
It's so hurtful to Ben.
I know Ben does a lot around here.
No, you have no idea.
He totally carried us
when I was unemployed.
He built this house.
You wouldn't be living
in an undefined area
with a window seat where
we were gonna keep books
if it wasn't for him.
He is the reason that
you're going to college.
No, he's not.
You were the one who decided
to take the lunch lady job
so I could get free tuition.
No, I was going to keep my job
at the can company because
we needed the money.
But Ben talked me out of it.
I knew that all the
pressure would be on him,
but he insisted because he
knew that it was the only way
I could afford to send you to college.
So pull your head out
of your butterfly butt,
and look around and realize
what this man has done for you.
Now I feel like an idiot.
Look, your dad may or may
not be at your graduation.
And I'm really sorry about that.
But you can count on one thing.
Ben is gonna be there.
Okay?
So I guess the point I'm trying to make,
without beating it to death,
is do not wear white
socks to your graduation!
♪
It really is
everything, everywhere,
all at once.
I have no idea what's going on.
Hey.
I'm glad you all are
here, because I wanna read
the beginning of my graduation speech.
And since some of you aren't
gonna be there tomorrow,
- I wanna get your opinions.
- Well, I'm gonna go get something
- from the kitchen and let you guys do this.
- No.
I'd really like to hear
what you think of it.
Sure, fine.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Hi, I'm Mark Conner.
I'm the acting president
for Lanford's chapter
of the National Honor Society
while President Lewis is recovering
from a stress-related illness.
We hope the shingles clear
up before picture day.
All of us are here tonight
because we achieved something special.
We're graduating high school.
But we certainly didn't do it alone.
So I'd like to use my speech time
to honor the people
who made big sacrifices
in order for me to be up here.
First I'd like to talk about my dad.
All right, come on, man.
Look, I understand you
feel the need to do this,
but let me just step out.
Please, just listen.
[SIGHS]
Even though he hasn't been
around for most of my life,
it wasn't his fault.
Ben Olinsky didn't meet
my mom until I was 11.
Ben, would you please stand up?
He got me.
He totally got me.
A dad isn't just your DNA.
It's someone who stands up for you
and is there when you're struggling
to finish a paper at midnight
and you want a bowl of cereal,
but there's no milk, so he
goes out and gets you some.
[CHUCKLES]
I did that.
Almond milk I had
to go to two stores.
And when it's cold, he
picks you up from work
so you don't have to walk home.
He's just always there,
and that's what a dad does.
Um, and then I say some
nice stuff about Mom,
bring down the house with cool quotes
from Aristotle and
Morrissey, and I'm done.
What do you think?
That was perfect.
Um, is there any way
that you could mention
the hardware store
and how we have new Sunday hours?
If he's gonna mention
the hardware store,
he should mention The Lunch Box.
Right? Am I right?
I mean, that's fair. Am I right?
Ah, well, I need a minute. [GROANS]
I can't wait till you go off to college
and everybody can stop
loving you so much.
Uh, Mark
it's gonna be rough
for your dad to sit there and hear that.
He won't have to.
I texted Dad and told him not to come.
Really?
Ah, I think I went
overboard pressuring you.
I hope you didn't do that for me.
No. I did it for me.
I told him, if he
really wants to see me,
we can get together in a couple weeks.
I wanted the graduation
just to be family.
Wow.
That is really, really great, Mark.
So how much of this speech is about Ben,
and how much is about me?
I mean, I don't need to
count lines or anything.
I would like to take a look at it.
[BLUESY HARMONICA MUSIC]
Wow.
You kick me out of my place to decorate,
I come back, and the one thing
the one thing I asked for,
a freakin' photo booth!
And I noticed there was no limo outside.
One day he'll turn 48,
and he'll have never
been in a limo, not once.
We're married.
I thought I'd at least
get a pinball machine.
What the hell, baby?
[HUFFS] Okay.
After the party, I'm
gonna get an Uber Black,
and I'm taking you all to an arcade,
where they have pinball machines
and photo booths.
And then we're gonna hit a bar,
where they have a DJ and
lots of food trucks outside.
And then maybe you
whiny brats will be happy.
So this is what you
thought Mark would want?
Ah, let's ask him.
Mark?
Surprise.
Happy graduation, everybody.
What're you talking about?
Everybody please put
on your caps and gowns.
It will become clear in a moment.
Uh, what's going on?
I think it's graduation
everywhere all at once.
I told Mark all your
sad graduation stories.
Please, sit down.
Thank you.
We agreed that you all missed out
on an important milestone
in a person's life,
and you weren't celebrated
the way you should've been.
So welcome to the
high school graduations
of 2019,
1993,
1973,
and 1970.
- [GASPS]
- [CHEERS AND LAUGHTER]
Wow. Nice glasses, Dan.
I guess you took the
snorkel off for the picture.
["POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE" PLAYING]
Becky Conner,
Harris Conner-Healy,
will you please rise.
Because your graduations
were just getting your GEDs
in the mail, you never
got to do the walk
in front of your proud family.
Please come up and accept your diplomas.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Whoo-hoo!
We're 18, we're moving out,
and we're never looking back!
Yeah, see you never, suckers!
Whoo!
- Would Jackie Harris please
- [SHRIEKS]
Don't trust anybody over 30
until you're 30.
And then judge everyone individually
after you've gotten to
know them well enough.
Thank you all for
coming to my graduation.
This means the world to me.
[CHEERS AND LAUGHTER]
And finally, Dan Conner.
- Aye-o!
- Thank you, thank you.
I had to make some of you to
have family at my graduation.
But it was worth it.
Wow, you're way hotter
than the battle-ax
that handed me my diploma
the first time and said,
"Glad I'll never have to
see your face again, Conner."
[LAUGHS]
- Thank you. Thank you, thank you.
- Even with getting no support,
you finished school,
set a good example for your kids,
and created a loving environment
where they could all
graduate in their 40s.
I didn't know I did all that,
but I'll take credit for it.
That's my dad!
Congratulations, and best
of luck in the future.
You are now all graduates.
[ALL CHEER]
Stop that. Those are rentals.
CHORUS: See you ♪
In September ♪
See you ♪
When the summer's through ♪
- Here we are ♪
- CHORUS: Bye, baby, goodbye ♪
Saying goodbye at the station ♪
CHORUS: Bye, baby, goodbye ♪
- Summer vacation ♪
- CHORUS: Bye, baby ♪
[CHILD GIGGLES]