The Goldbergs s05e22 Episode Script

1 Ahh, the school prank.
Back in the day, it was a pure and simple art form.
You didn't care about posting some video to go viral.
No.
You'd pull a prank to become legend.
Yes! - Seniors rule! In my school, the '80s was the pinnacle of the pranking era, and our success was measured by one thing, how much it pissed off our principal.
Oh, no.
Darn seniors! I'm going down.
[Thud.]
Naturally, no one loved a good prank more than my brother, Barry.
Good fountain.
Trusted posse of Jenkintown.
TPOJ! I think we can all agree our senior year's been a complete and utter bust.
I actually had a real nice year.
I aced AP Bio, and I really got to know my pen pal, Yoshi Takanabu.
And I reconnected with my grandma, Naked Nana.
And even though Erica's at college, our love has never been more rock-solid.
And I'm just happy to be included.
Ugh.
Well, my whole school year's been a complete dook fest 'cause my one true love, Lainey, left me, and no one in this hellhole even noticed me.
Hey, Barry.
Everything cool? I'm talking to some friends, Jamie Weisman.
So rude.
- Unreal.
- Agree.
Totally.
Is it? Lucky for me, it's prank week.
With my evil brain smarts, I will finally become the school legend I am in my mind.
Couldn't help but overhear you might be in the market for a legendary prank.
What's it to you, douche box? It just so happens I have the single best resource for school prankery the world has ever seen.
"Real Genius".
A filmic ode to shenanigans where brilliant dreamboat Val Kilmer pulls a series of the most epic pranks ever seen.
He is a dreamboat, which is why I'm listening.
Here's a good one.
You take apart a car and put it back together in a tiny room.
Unimpressive.
Next.
You ice the hallways so the whole school becomes a giant skating rink.
Too easy.
Next! Then go for the ultimate prank and fire a NASA laser beam at a 50-ton Jiffy Pop, causing a popcorn avalanche.
No! The good news is your lame ideas have given me an incredible one.
- Mother! - What is it, boopie? I'm in need of your sewing skills.
On it.
What for? Something so brilliant, so elaborate, that the school will never be the same.
[Chuckles evilly.]
Ha! You got khaki pants! Khak attack! You like pranks, huh? Up here.
Honestly, I don't even understand what's comical about this.
Goldberg does it again! Give me some.
I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was May 16, 1980-something, and Erica had officially dropped out of college.
But for my mom, she was just happy to have her baby home.
In honor of my schmoopie-poop's arrival home and back into my loving arms, I present the most tender brisket ever brisketed.
How can you brisket at a time like this? Dad's about to come home and lose his mind when he hears I dropped out.
That's the point.
I know exactly how to butter up your father.
You do it with meat and actual butter.
Murray: I'm home! I hit a lot of personal and professional lows today, so give me a wide berth.
Go, go, go.
Work your Mama magic.
I love you.
With that, my mom lulled my dad into a rare state of calmness.
Here you go, honey.
Little light brisket snack to take the edge off.
You just sit there and enjoy.
Little Mani-shev to help the meat go down nice.
There you go, my big tiger.
You just relax those big, hardworking muscles.
Backy-scratchies for my man, hmm? I just pressed these nails on fresh.
Is he lulled yet? - No! - What is the girl-moron doing here? This better not be about dropping out, so help me.
Yep, few things were as important to my dad as a college education.
You're not skipping out on college.
You're studying and going to a good school.
Your whole damn future depends on it! Here's a plan: college! - College.
- College.
- College.
- College.
Don't think of it as dropping out.
Think of it as me transferring to your house.
This school rejects your application.
You go now.
He doesn't mean it, love bug.
It's the Manischevitz talking.
Damn right I mean it! What makes her think she can move back in here, eat our food, sit on our furniture like she's one of our children.
She is one of our children, Murray.
Fine, the dummy can stay as long as she pays for food and rent like a normal person.
I'm putting my foot down on this.
Come on! This is my home! You can't make me pay for goods and services.
Plus rent.
The foot has spoken.
[Music played.]
So, like, when exactly do you tell your dad I'm living here, too? Yeah, he didn't take my news so well, so I was thinking that we never tell him and I sneak you snacks like a pet turtle.
This is a nightmare, but I have no options, so I am a turtle.
Hey! What are you guys doing in my fart chamber? This is my room, and we left college to start our band.
- Also, what? - Wait.
Does this mean Lainey's back and she threw away her future, too? My God, is Lainey all you care about? Yes! Other than losing my fart chamber, things are finally going my way! We should air this place out.
And so Barry raced off to win back the love of his life in the most mature, subtle way possible.
Oh, no! No! No! No! Good to see you, too, Mr.
Lewis.
I hear Lainey dropped out of college.
Horrible timing, Barry! First you drop out and break my heart, and now you bring this back into my life? Dark cloud, silver lining I hear ya.
Anyhoo, I'm here to ask your daughter to prom 'cause she just dropped out of college and all.
Please stop reminding him that I dropped out of college! Is all of this just to hurt me? Is that what this is? Dad, go feed the fish.
So good to see his ol' mug again.
Barry, my life is in utter chaos, and you're here for some dumb prom? And possibly marriage just floating that out there.
- Is that a yes to both? - It's a no! Everything's a mess right now.
I'm not even sure my dad will let me stay here.
So, you really don't wanna go to prom with me or elope to Kokomo? I don't have time to deal with this high-school drama.
If you need a date so bad, just go with that girl that always says "hey" in the hall.
I don't want to go with Jamie Weisman! She was just a stall until you came back.
My life is stalling! I was gonna do amazing things like take a pottery class or talk to that lady that hoses down the trucks at work.
No one says you can't talk to the hose woman, Dad! Keep feeding the fish.
I'm sorry, Bar.
I just can't deal with us right now.
Take your time.
But before I go, tell me once and for all if you're gonna be my forever lady.
I'll field this one.
Tell me.
There we go.
While Barry's romantic plan bit the dust, Erica was learning what it meant to be a starving artist.
Whatcha working on there? Black n' white cookie? - Looks fresh.
- Help yourself.
I-I got a dozen.
Hold on! No Black n' white cookies unless you pay for it.
I bet that chews up real nice.
This is hard to watch.
I think it's delightful.
Pet-store janitor, gas-station attendant, fish scaler? Yep, back before you could post a resume on LinkedIn, the only way to find a job was in this crazy thing called a newspaper.
This one says "Wanted: Lady".
You don't wanna call that number.
I know! This whole situation is poop.
There is no world where I am gonna sit by and watch my baby become a fish monger or take a job as a lady.
Bevy, she's been at it for two days.
Erica will find her way.
Or even better, I find her way for her.
Don't do that.
Murray put his foot down.
Which was great, and now it's my job to ever so gently lift it up.
Nothing about Murray can be lifted gently.
Believe me, Dad, I can be very subtle when I need to be.
Earl.
This will not be subtle, you're helping me.
Wait, what's happening? You haven't stormed in here demanding unreasonable treatment for your children all year.
I've been in a Bevolution, trying to figure out a life without my kids.
Please, keep doing that and go.
Forget the Bevolution.
I'm here to make you hire Erica's band to play the prom.
You want to pay me to pay your daughter with your money? Oh, yeah.
[Chuckles.]
I've missed us, you know? As my mom pulled some strings to boost Erica's confidence, Barry's prom plans had completely unraveled.
It makes no sense.
What 19-year-old college dropout doesn't want to go back to her high-school prom? Why don't you just tag along with me and Andy? Yeah, it's our second year going stag as a couple.
No.
I'm not gonna be the third wheel on your stag date.
Either I go with Lainey, or I don't go at all.
So, you're not going? If don't go, I'll forever ruin my rep as one of Jenkintown's top five party people.
So, you are going? Without Lainey, never! So, you're not going? And be forever known as a prom-less loser? So, you're both going and not going? Gah! Stop asking dumb questions and provide a solution for once! [Crickets chirping.]
But instead of answers, all Barry got was crickets.
Literally.
[Chirping continues.]
As you all are now painfully aware, Mr.
Atkins has released a duffel bag full of live crickets throughout the school.
I am a legend! [Cheers and applause.]
No! No! No! No! Hear this now.
The next person to do a senior prank will be banned from prom.
[All gasp.]
In that moment, Barry saw the perfect way to avoid prom altogether.
No one would call him a dateless loser.
They'd call him a pranking legend.
- Hey, my thing! - Forget your thing! This is important.
You know that movie I introduced you to - when you told me about it? - You mean "Real Genius"? The movie on my shirt and poster? I think it's time we take a page from their prank book, but I can't do it without your help.
Yes! I'm essential now! Thank you for the opportunity to live my dream.
You don't know how much this means.
Bar, wait up! Behold, our principal's prized Suzuki Samurai! Over the next 9 to 12 minutes, we shall take it apart piece by piece, then quickly reassemble it in his office.
Dude, we can't just take a car apart.
It's not made of Legos.
Which is why I brought this Allen wrench.
Time to become a legend.
As much as I loved "Real Genius", my brother was not one.
Erica had been a college dropout for a whole week, and nothing was going her way.
That is, until my mom stepped in.
Holy crap and hell yes! We'll be there! That was Principal Earl J.
Ball - offering me a job playing prom.
- Yay! When I said, "Get a job," I meant get a real job.
He's paying me $1,000.
Real enough, old man? Actually, none of this seems real.
You know, this is a classic rock 'n' roll tale.
Drop out of college, start a band, and immediately get paid too much for a gig you didn't even look for.
Oh, I can't believe my angel got her first job.
Oh-ho-ho, I love you so much.
Thank you so much for believing in me.
And thank you for this cookie because I just got paid.
We got paid! Deal with it! - Who the hell is this? - I'm in her band and also live here now, so start a tab for me, too.
Take it all.
You deserve it.
[Clatter.]
Oh, Murray, my baby and her strange-sounding friend really did it.
They went out and got a job.
You did this.
Why did you go behind my back? I put my foot down! Erica doesn't need your foot, Murray.
She needs loving mama arms to hold her in her time of need.
You can't ignore the foot.
If the foot has no power, the whole system breaks down.
I'm sorry I went behind your back and foot, okay? But trust me.
Getting Erica this job is gonna give her the boost of confidence she needs.
Gonna hit the mall and buy some new sexy boots to wear on stage.
Rock 'n' roll.
So easy.
See? She's Very confident.
I did that.
As my mom foolishly filled Erica with confidence, one could say Barry's big prank didn't fully come together.
You've done it now, people! Until the perp is caught or comes forward, prom is canceled.
[All gasp.]
What? No.
Don't let one horrible human being - ruin it for all of us! - Yeah! I'm so angry at your - harmless prank gone wrong.
- Me as well! Yeah, I've been doing this a long time.
And it's safe to say this is the work of a true monster who belongs behind bars.
Whoever did this, turn yourself in! Yeah, you big prom-ruining jerk.
We're now going to run away to find some clues.
- Bye.
- We looked for nothing.
Instead, we stupidly got ready for a life on the lam.
Lainey, we got to talk.
Thank God you came back.
I have so much - awesome stuff to tell you.
- No time! I'm here to tell you how I really feel just in case I never see you again.
There's the big man! Hey, get in here.
Let's flex those huggin' muscles.
[Laughs.]
What's happening? Why is everyone suddenly so happy to see me? Things have really turned around over here.
I spoke to the hose lady.
She is not interested, but at least I have closure.
We got our first gig.
That's why I wanted to talk.
I'm sorry I was putting all my stress on you.
No! You were right! I'm not the same naive boy who knocked on your door yesterday.
I'm a hardened man, with real grown-up problems.
I mean, they canceled prom, and I don't even care.
- What?! - Prom was canceled?! - Oh, no! - What? - What'd I say? - That's my gig! We were getting paid a thousand bucks for it! I didn't know you were getting wildly overpaid to play prom.
- No one told me.
- Prom was the only glimmer of hope I had.
We have no glimmer.
We've lost our glimmer.
- Oh, no! - Thanks for nothing.
That day, the news about prom traveled like lightning, but my sister - would be struck the hardest.
Hey, Mom, what do you think about these bad boys? Gotta spend money - to make money, am I right? Um, baby, sit down.
I've got some bad news about prom.
As much as it hurt, my mom had to tell the truth and break her baby's heart.
It was canceled.
No prom.
So, no gig.
Eh, another school will hire us.
Um those calls might not come in as easily as you think.
See, I might have paid Principal Ball to hire you.
I'm so sorry.
- Sorry? This is sweet.
- What? All you gotta do is pay another school to hire me.
- I'm not gonna do that.
- You're right.
Let's just cut out the middle man.
Just pay me directly.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
I see how that would be easier than accepting every single adult responsibility.
I'm glad we're on the same page.
Anyway, I'm gonna go take a nap in the bath.
Or instead of napping, you could open a newspaper and see if there's anything there for you.
Why would I want help? I got you, silly Mom.
No, I'm putting my foot down! I love you so much, but I will throw your [bleep.]
right out onto our suburban street.
Um, isn't that Dad's thing? I've got a foot, too, Missy! Homegirl's gonna find out what it means to work for a living.
So, you better get ready to sew some buttons and hot-tar some roofs and tend to them chickens! What era do you have me working in? What's with all the yelling? Mom put her foot down.
- Really? - And that's not all! I want the boots.
But I earned these boots with my potential! You can go barefoot until you learn how to make an honest paycheck.
So I'm gonna take all your shoes, all your clothes, your pillows, and your vitamins! Okay, she's new at this, so it's not making sense, but you get it.
I am so angry, and I can't stop yelling! [Bleep.]
[Bleep.]
[Bleep.]
Barry knew it was up to him to make Lainey happy, even if it meant going to jail.
- It was me.
- I'm sorry? No, I am.
In a childish effort to avoid prom, I Val Kilmered your car.
I see.
Well Quite a surprise and disappointment.
- We're good here.
- What? Don't you have to call the police? - Do I? - Do I? 'Cause that'd be a hard phone call to make.
Mr.
Goldberg, look out the window and tell me what you see.
A fly-ass T-top Pontiac Fiero? And do you have any idea who that car belongs to? That awesome dude Randy who always wears the - flip-up sunglasses? - No.
That cool sub who's always - teaching with rap lyrics? - No.
- Charles Barkley? - No.
Power couple Burt Reynolds and Loni Anderson? - No.
- The lead singer of UB40? - No.
- The cast of "Benson"? - No.
- Bo Jackson's cousin Todd, Todd Jackson? - No.
- Jermaine Jackson? - No.
- Bo knows Todd.
No, me! Me, me! It's my car! And you know how I got it? Because the old aluminum can I was driving was vandalized by a "criminal" and insurance paid for the Fiero, no questions asked.
- But, I don't - No questions asked.
No questions asked.
- I don't, The - No questions.
Zip.
Zip! - Eh - Zip! So, does this mean prom is back on? For everyone but you.
Consider it your punishment.
But also, thank you for the boss new ride.
[Laughing.]
Good news, Quakers.
Prom is back on.
[Cheering.]
[Boston's "More Than a Feeling" plays.]
That day, my brother really was a hero, even though no one would ever know it.
Guys, this is bad.
My mom put her foot down, which means - I gotta move in with Lainey.
- No.
My dad kicked me out.
I came here to live with you.
How did we blow this so bad? Hey, guess what.
Prom's back on.
- What? - How is that even possible? You didn't hear it from me, but Barry took the fall so you could play prom.
Why would he do that for me? 'Cause the people who care about you most would do anything to make you happy.
That's the crazy thing about life.
Just when you're at your lowest and think that things can't get any worse, the people who truly love you find a way to get you back on top.
I took away her vitamins.
Her Flintstones Chewables.
Now she's a teeny-tiny bit less nourished because of me.
Okay, I think you've had enough.
Hey.
I have some good news.
Prom's back on again.
- God, no.
- No, no.
This time we're just getting paid $10, but you gotta start somewhere, right? Can't buy a lot of Black n' white cookies for that.
That's why tomorrow I'm gonna find a real job and pay you rent.
And I never said this, but thank you for getting us our first paid gig.
Oh, don't thank me.
Not after I tried to take your boots and bedding.
No, I deserved it.
It's just all your support and hugs and love made me feel so safe.
Too safe.
So many people have come and gone I just wanted to hide out here with people who love me.
Their faces fade as the years go by But I can't do that anymore.
Yet I still recall as I wander on No matter what happens, this house will always be a safe place for you.
You mean it? I do.
I'm putting my foot down.
Truth is, when you're surrounded by your family and friends, it's much easier to face the music.
It's more than a feeling When I hear that old song they used to play That's my prom date! I swear! And I begin dreaming Till I see Marianne walk away Ohh.
Look at her, Mur.
She's so grown up.
God, everything's changed.
Or not.
We still got three kids in the house.
For now.
But I'll take it.
There's nothing scarier than growing up, not just for us kids, for our parents, too.
But no matter how old you are, what gets you through is knowing that you're not alone.
Hey.
Hey.
How did you know I was here? C'mon.
This is where you spent all your dances before we got together.
Wish I could be there for your first gig.
I know.
And I wish I could be your prom date.
- But you said that - I know what I said.
One dance.
Better make it fast.
Erica needs me.
Their faces fade as the years go by Did you ever think we'd come back here again? I really didn't.
But I'm really happy we did.
Happy enough to marry me? This is for you, girl.
I "pick" you.
For sure.
Is that a "yes"? You never say yes.
I'm saying it this time.
Yes.
I'll marry you, you big dummy.
I'm a high-school senior who's gonna marry a college dropout! This year turned out awesome! More than a feeling, till I see Marianne walk away We're getting married! Whoo! Did he just say that Tomorrow's problem.
When I look back, it really was a year filled with so many changes.
There was the Bevolution, my sister defied my dad to follow her rock 'n' roll dreams of course, Barry's misguided engagement the day Lainey came back.
Sure, all those details from 1980-something fade over time, but the love my family shares was real and would last forever.
And the crazy thing is, the biggest changes were yet to come.
I look like Babs? Total Streisand.
Welcome to the battle of the JTPs! - Eight ball, corner pocket.
- Eight ball, corner pocket.
- Ugh! - Ugh! - [Ding!.]
Hey, boopie.
It's Mama.
- [Ding!.]
Adam, this is the third time I've called.
[Beeping.]
Please pick up the phone.
If I don't hear from you soon, I'm getting on the next plane.
Call me! [Crickets chirping.]
Hey, Ball.
Sounds like you didn't quite get all them crickets.
Ha, you tried to fix it, but you didn't, which is hilarious.
Enjoy yourself, kids.
After today, prank week is officially over.
Gotta admit, Atkins, that cricket prank was pretty good.
Face it, Goldberg, I'm a legend.
Well, let's not get carried away, hmm? Oh, sweet God! Not the Fiero!