The Nanny s05e22 Episode Script
The Wedding
I can't believe it.
In just 24 hours from now I'll be holding Mrs.
Sheffield in my arms.
Are you as happy as I am? This is the happiest day of my life.
Congratulations, sir.
Thank you, Niles.
Hey, what about me? I'm the woman who's making you the happiest man in the world! Miss Fine, congratulations! Oh, uh, what's the suitcase for oh, wait a minute, I know.
If we elope now, the sooner we get to our wedding night, huh.
Excuse me, you made me wait five years and now all of a sudden, because you're in the mood, you think that I'm gonna come to you just like that.
Come to mama.
Oh, and you're so excited you're packing for the honeymoon already.
Oh, sweetie, I'm a Jewish woman going on a two-month cruise.
Do you really think these are all the clothes I'm going to need? Yes.
Oh, honey.
I wish I could stay, but I gotta go to ma's.
- What? - Yeah.
It's bad luck for the groom to see the bride 24 hours before the ceremony.
But we have the house all to ourselves.
Oh, I know but no, no, no, oh, God.
Oh, God.
( Beeping ) Oh, that's the 24 hours.
- What? - Yep.
That was a warning.
We only have two minutes left.
I can do it in two minutes.
You can? Well, darling, it has been five years.
Ooh.
Let's go.
You gotta get out now.
Ma, we still have two minutes left.
Trust me, there's only one man who can satisfy a woman in two minutes: Colonel Sanders.
She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens Till her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes What was she to do, where was she to go, she was out on her fanny So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door She was there to sell makeup but the father saw more She had style, she had flair, she was there, that's how she became the Nanny Who would have guessed that the girl we described Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now, the father finds her beguiling Watch out, C.
C.
And the kids are actually smiling such joie de vivre She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran So, Dad, last day as a free man.
No more wild nights, no more wild women, So, uh, basically same old same old.
Like father, like son, eh.
( laughs ) Yeah.
Your sister, sir.
Oh, Jocelyn.
There's the groom.
Oh.
Darling, handsome as ever.
( Clears throat ) Niles, you're always stunning.
Oh, stop.
Press everything in my bag, would you? I said stop.
So where is she? Where's mother? Oh, she declined the invitation.
Seems she despises your fiancee.
What? That's ridiculous.
I talked to her the other day, she said she adores Fran.
Abhors, darling.
I know it's horrid.
But you know mommy.
She doesn't think anyone has the class of a Sheffield.
Yeah, so? Pick a little duck, cheek cheek cheek Pick a little chocolate, pick a little chocolate, cheek cheek cheek Pick a little chocolate, pick a little chocolate, cheek cheek cheek In the short year that I've been here I have added a certain element of style and panache to this house.
Hmm, when did I eat corn? She loved my late wife, Sarah.
Oh, absolutely.
She thought she was a real stitch.
Yeah, right.
She did say stitch.
Oh, Jocelyn.
I can't believe this.
My own mother not coming to my wedding? Well, fine, fine, see if I care.
I don't need her approval.
All right, maybe, maybe Fran was a little rough around the edges at the beginning, but after five years of being exposed to the finest things in life one grows You got the edible undies in petite? Oh, wouldn't this look adorable on me? Ma, I'm getting a little scared just seeing it next to you.
How we doing on time? Oh, let's see.
Oh.
till the big event! But what about till the wedding? ( laughs ) Oh, good oh, you got the piña colada in petite, that's great.
Ma, wait till you see the gorgeous negligee that I ordered.
It is so black! Oh, no, no, no.
I ordered this in white.
No, I'm sorry, they shipped it in black, hon.
But I ordered it in white, doll.
No can do, babe.
Well, doll better do or babe'll kill doll! Everybody calm down.
Look, darling, my daughter is getting married in 19 hours and 9 seconds.
Is there something we could do to expedite the situation? Are you trying to bribe me with a candy bar? Half.
I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do to help you.
The South Jersey store can't ship till Monday, you'll have to take the black.
She can't wear friggin' black, it's her wedding night, she has to look like a virgin.
I said look.
We schlepped all the way to Jersey for that negligee and in two seconds he's gonna rip it off, cover you with chocolate Cool Whip and ravage you.
Taking a little trip to Hotel Vicarious, Ma? So, Sylvia, do you remember what you did the night before your wedding? Yeah, I dilated three centimeters.
I know what I'm gonna be doing.
Val's coming over, we're going to get manicures and pedicures And I got those special strips that when you tear them off your nose it cleans out your whole pores.
Ooh.
I use the tape from daddy's toupee.
It works the same way.
This is just fabulous.
We're making incredible time here.
There's nobody on the road but us.
Oh, this shortcut of yours is just brilliant.
( Loud pop ) Oh, God, oh, God! I just wanna say I hate you so much right now.
You know, it is so unwise for you to turn on me right now.
Because last week - No - the exact same thing happened to that tire.
And I learned how to change it.
Ooh, Val, you know how to change a tire.
I'm very impressed, I don't know anything about changing a tire.
Except - Val? - Yeah.
Is the spare tire over there? Not so impressed with me anymore, are you, Fran? How could you not replace the spare? We're in the middle of nowhere, what are we gonna do? Well, I learned something, I cannot go tinkle with a raccoon watching me.
Sylvia, do you know anything about patching a tire? What do I know from tires? Oh, I'll take care of it.
I don't believe you two, modern liberated women of the 90s, you don't know how to get a tire fixed.
Well, I don't care what my mother says.
I know you're the one for me.
( Twinkling sound ) Sarah: She is the one for you, Max.
Sarah? Hi, Max.
My God.
Have I completely lost it? No, no, no.
And you are making the right decision, Max.
That's why I came.
I want you to know how happy I am for you.
Oh, you are? Look at your eyes.
Look at your smile.
Heh.
I love what she's done for you.
Oh, I'm so happy to hear that, Sarah, because I'm just crazy about It's okay to love her, Max.
I love her too.
Look at what she's done for our children.
I will be grateful to her for the rest of my life.
It's an expression.
Oh, Sarah, my darling Sarah.
Oh, when I lost you, I couldn't handle anything.
Especially the children.
And then, out of nowhere, this meshugana woman.
- It's an expression.
- ( chuckles ) She came into our lives and for the first time made us all smile again.
Okay, well, we gotta make Maggie beautiful.
Sure, like that's gonna happen.
Shut up, Brighton.
Hey, be nicer to your sister.
Why? Because we're a family.
Yes, that's right, and someday your father's gonna be old and sick.
You're gonna want him to live with her.
I wrote you a poem, Fran.
You did? F is for the fun we have together, R is for the Rummy that we play, A is for the answers to my questions, and N is for the nasal things you say.
We were in the locker room after gym And? Fran, I'm smaller than everyone else.
Smaller? How? Oh, just forget it, it's too humiliating.
Well, what could be so humiliating about being smaller in a locker room? Honey, if you don't want me to go out with him, just say so.
I respect your feelings.
I don't want you to go out with him.
Well, then I won't go out with him.
I love you and I'd never do anything to hurt you.
I love you too, Fran.
But please let me go out with him.
I'm going to grow old and die waiting for your father.
Hello, sweetheart.
Do you like my party dress? Loehmann's, 70% off.
She'll never shop retail again.
Hi, Dad.
Surprised? No tricks, Brighton.
- Best behavior.
- Mm.
All right.
Come on, Maggie, don't be shy, honey.
My God, I had no idea how much she looked like her mother.
Oh, I think you'd really like her, Sarah.
I do, Max.
Why do you think I sent her to you? You sent her to me? And you heard her speak? I thought she had a cold.
Is everything all right? Niles, Niles, come on in, come on in.
Look who's here.
Who, sir? He can't see me, Max.
Would you like a drink? No, thanks, it goes right through me.
( laughs ) No, I'm fine, thank you.
Hmm.
Be happy, honey.
I'll always love you, Max.
And I'll always love you.
Right back at you, sir.
Oy.
Oy.
Let's stop.
I cannot move one more inch.
Oh, I'm just so parched.
I need water.
Oy.
I left the water in the trunk.
Oh, well, that's genius Val.
Now which one of us is gonna have to go all the way back and get it? Oh, fine.
I'll go.
All right, Fran.
This is starting to get really scary.
Remember that movie we saw where those people were starving so they started eating things they wouldn't normally eat? You mean the tape of my Bat Mitzvah? No! I mean the movie where they started eating each other.
Oh, well, fortunately we've got an all-you-can-eat buffet pulling up the rear.
You're gonna be hungry until you get a mindset.
You gotta block out all thoughts of food and pastry products.
You know, we've been walking for three hours.
How can you not be hungry? Ma? Did you eat my edible underwears? Maybe.
Ma, we were going to ration my undies! I was nervous.
You know I always eat when I'm nervous.
Nervous! Happy! Sad! Swimming! Well, if no one is going to have any more of the cake, I'm gonna put it away.
Oh, that's good.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Smart, yeah, ma.
Thanks, Ma.
Stop her! Stop her! She's got the cake! Oh, my God, I'm having palpitations! Quick, get me my medicine! ( Wailing ) Darling, what's wrong? Oh, nothing.
I just need to be with my daddy right now.
Oh, why, sweetheart? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I know, isn't it awesome? I knew that you would love it.
No, no, that was a shocked and horrified "oh, my God.
" It's blimey awful.
Well, I'm sorry, Dad, but I'm 18 years old now, and I can make my own decisions.
Miss Margaret, your hair, it makes you look so much younger.
No one will ever believe you're 18.
I love it.
Well, I hate it.
And I'm going back blonde.
She's easier to work than a Muppet.
Since you're feeling so clever, maybe you can help me with a rather delicate situation? Sir, who cares if your mother's not coming to the wedding? Miss Fine has more class than she'll ever have.
Isn't it interesting how you knew of it before I told you about the delicate situation? You know, sir, that haircut makes you look three years Oh, knock it off, Niles.
Do you think I should tell Fran my mother's Not coming to the wedding? Sir, if I had waited this long to tell her, it's the least you could do.
( Phone rings ) Yes, hello.
Oh, Mrs.
Torielo, What? Where? Well, you're I just got a pen, hang on.
Val, Fran and Sylvia haven't come back from New Jersey and now their car has been found abandoned on the side of the road.
Yes, Mrs.
Torielo, I'm here.
All right, good, I'm on my way.
Don't worry, Mrs.
Torielo, I'm sure everything is just fine.
Yes, I'm sure you're right, sir, they're very resourceful women.
I'm telling you it's gonna work.
Remember that nature program we saw where those bears made a spout in the trees so syrup would come out so they could eat? Val, those bears were Yogi and Boo-boo.
I cannot believe this is the night before my wedding and I'm stuck on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere with you, my mother and that stupid snake.
( Screaming ) Run away! I hate snakes! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
( Screaming ) Oh, my God.
Oh, forget it, Fran we're all out of quarters.
You don't need quarters for a callbox, Val.
Well, I wish you'd have told me earlier, we could've used the one next to the car.
- Hello? - Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Is there a problem? Fran: I'll say there's a problem.
We're stuck out here in the middle of nowhere.
I'm supposed to be getting married in less than 14 hours.
And we're starving to death because my mother ate my underwears.
All right, why don't all of you stay calm? We've got your callbox number, we'll send someone out to you in a few hours.
A few hours? No, no, sir, you don't understand.
I've waited five years to marry this man, and it's true we had some problems in the beginning well, not we, but he but he did.
My family loves him and, well, his mother adores me.
You know, it's it's really such a beautiful story.
I mean, some say it's pathetic, but you know I'm going with beautiful.
So what you're really saying is you feel terrible about this whole darn thing, and if you could you'd get down on your hands and knees and apologize.
Miss Fine! Apology accepted.
Ma, pack my things, he wants me back! Smile! Oh, thank you, Miss Fine.
Any time, Mr.
Sheffield.
Any time.
Once I can touch What my heart used to dream of I love you.
So we agree then.
- Friends.
- Friends.
For once in my life Fran, I love you.
Your father has something he wants to share with you all.
I've told Miss Fine I love her.
- What else is new? - What else is new? Oh, yes, I didn't take it back.
Oh, congratulations, Miss Fine! (cheering ) Fran.
( Sighs ) Will you marry me? For once I have something I know won't desert me What do you think? I'm not alone anymore For once I can sing I just might, you can take it Lady, it's a beautiful story, my heart goes out to you, but I got one tow truck and a wedding is not an emergency.
You're how old? I'll send the chopper.
Oh, thank you, thank you, sir.
He's coming to rescue us.
Oh, my God, it's my son-in-law.
Fran: Don't look, don't look, honey, you can't see me! What happened? I got a call from Val's mother.
They found a car.
I passed it down the road.
You know there was a callbox next to it.
You know what? Let's not revisit that.
Oh, honey I'm so happy that you're here.
Oh, darling, are you all right? No, wait, wait, wait, stop, stay where you are.
Remember? You can't see me for 24 hours before the ceremony.
Oh, ma, what's he wearing? The cashmere, he looks gorgeous.
Oh, I love the cashmere.
Ma, you're not wearing a bra? In case I die, I'm gonna go free and happy.
Oh, sweetie, go run over and pull the car here, but whatever you do, don't look at me.
Darling, darling, it's a two-hour drive, how can I possibly not look at you? Just keep your eyes fixated on me.
It'll be like a glimpse into the future.
Now, come here, sweetie, and give us a hug.
Val: Uh, Fran, it's never gonna be like this again.
Just the two of us lying here together.
God willing, Val.
To think you were almost gonna be the last girl in our class to get married.
Oy, wouldn't that have been pathetic? Val? I know.
I just figured it out.
Darling, it's time for the mother-daughter prenuptial talk.
Valerie, would you go into the kitchen and heat me up a nice big piece of apple pie? I get it, you want some privacy.
No, I want pie.
Darling, I knew I would be too emotional on your wedding day, so I wrote you a letter.
When did you have time to write it? On the day you were born.
"My darling daughter, after 23 hours of agonizing labor" PS, I'm never letting your father touch me again.
You're finally here.
( Crying ) Darling, this is the happiest day of my life until today: "your wedding day.
" "( crying ) And now, here you are, 21 years old.
" Kennedy was President.
We were all optimistic.
Ma, you know, I don't what you to think just because I'm getting married that this is gonna change anything between us.
I may be living with Maxwell, but you'll always live in your own home.
Now go.
Good night, sweetheart.
Good night, ma.
( TV playing ) Sir, with tomorrow being your wedding day, I thought a brandy might be in order.
Thank you, old man.
Oh, you want one? Oh, Niles, I just hope I can live up to Fran's expectations.
You know, I haven't been with a woman in quite some time.
Well, double quite some time, add two, and welcome to my world, pal.
It's just that she's so experienced.
I mean, she's been with an Italian guy, Niles.
Oh, sir, that was five years ago.
Believe me, the woman is so ready even an Englishman will please her.
Oh, my God.
These shoes don't fit, my shoes don't fit! They gave me the wrong shoes, they gave me the wrong shoes! Those are my shoes.
They're my shoes.
Oh, relax.
Relax.
These are her shoes.
There's my shoes.
( laughs ) - Fran.
- Yeah? You want me to get you a cup of coffee? Honey, do I seem like I need a buzz? - Fran? - Yeah.
- Sweetie.
- Baby.
Uh, you know as your bridesmaid, - Yeah.
- I got you something old, something new, something borrowed.
That's mine, Val.
Borrowed! ( laughs ) - The only thing that I forgot, - Yeah? Was something blue.
Val, if I don't have something blue, I can't get married.
Fran, Fran, Fran, you're going to choke her! Well, then at least I'll have something blue, won't I? ( Knocking door ) Shh.
Now, class it up! That could be somebody from his side of the family.
Entrez.
Can Maxwell's baby sister have a word with the bride? Of course.
Hello, darlings.
Can we have some privacy? Oh, here, girls.
Why don't you go tie this on to the limo? We need to have a little privacy.
I just wanted to give you a warm welcome to the Sheffield family.
- Ooh.
- Welcome.
I feel the love.
I do.
I do.
And don't let it bother you that mommy isn't coming today.
Mommy isn't coming today? Oh, didn't you know? But don't fret, darling.
Remember how much mommy hated Lester when I married him? She hates me? Oh, darling, Mommy only despised Lester because he's my chauffeur.
She despises me? Oh, Jocelyn's saying too much.
Look, darling, the point is mommy adores Lester now.
Oh, good.
Of course, that could be because we're divorcing.
What? You and Lester? Turned out mommy was right.
Classes can't mix.
Sure they can, sure they can.
You loved Lester, you loved that he was so different from you.
He was earthy and real, and, from what I heard, he was a wild animal in the bedroom.
Oh, yes, but eventually, darling, not having anything in common becomes a real bore.
Oh, don't get me wrong, I still enjoy the lovemaking, just not with Lester.
Oh, darling, don't worry.
It's completely different with you and Max.
I mean, Lester had no breeding.
His family was utterly classless.
Oy, where's the can? I took a diuretic instead of a Tylenol.
Oh! C.
C.
? I'm so sorry I'm late.
Can you imagine me, the bride, being late for my own wedding? Um.
Oh.
Um.
Ooh.
Maxwell, if there was one thing the place taught me is that it's Nanny Fine that you love, I'm very happy for the both of you.
Well, thank you very much, C.
C.
( wedding march playing ) ( music stops ) ( wedding march plays again ) ( music stops ) ( wedding march plays again ) ( music stops ) Friends, family, would you excuse me for just one moment? I'll kill her! How could you leave me standing at that darn altar? The minute this diuretic wears off, you're gonna get such hell.
( Knocking on door ) Ah, hello, darling.
Hi.
Listen, I don't know if you've checked your day planner recently, but if you look under today's date, it says "Get Married.
" Don't yell at me.
Can't you see I'm falling apart? The wedding is over.
God, you look incredible.
Sweetheart, would do you mean the wedding is over? Jocelyn and Lester are getting a divorce.
Well, what does that have to do with us? Their marriage didn't work because they're from two different worlds, just like us.
I mean, you're the sophisticated, classy Jocelyn, and I'm Lester.
The poor schlub who works for you.
Oh, come on, darling, you never really work.
You know, it's so wrong to make a joke now.
Sweetheart, I love you.
Sure, now.
I mean, now you find our differences charming.
But sooner or later you're going to get bored with me and even though you won't admit it, I know that you're going to be bugged by the fact that your mother hates me.
What? Who said my mother hates you? Your mean old sister.
Come here.
Oh, Fran, my darling.
How can I make you understand how much I adore you? Well, a few examples would be good.
All right, let's start with your sense of humor.
I love your vivacity, your guilelessness, your irreverence.
Can't you use words I understand? I love your pizzazz, your fire, your passion, I love the way you get excited over a good piece of coffee cake.
Or even a bad one.
Oh, and I love that smile.
Do you really need more? Would you mind? You see how you make me laugh? Oh, Fran, I love the way you love.
With all your heart and all your soul.
The way you love the children.
How they worship you.
You know, you blew into our lives five years ago like a whirlwind.
You made us all feel alive again.
For that alone, I'll love you forever.
You don't think I'm pretty? ( Wedding march playing ) ( wedding march continues ) ( music ends ) Seven and a half carats.
( Camera shutter clicks ) We'd like to begin the service with a traditional Jewish prayer.
( Praying in Yiddish ) Maxwell, do you promise to love and cherish Francine in sickness and in health as long as you both shall live? I do.
Francine? Do you I do.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Go ahead, go ahead.
Do you promise to love and cherish Maxwell in sickness and in health as long as you both shall live? I do.
Minister: If anyone here can give good cause as to why these two should not be married, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
By the power vested in us we now pronounce you husband and wife.
Kiss your bride! ( Cheering ) ( music playing ) I don't want to say anything, but could this chicken be drier? I'll take the dry chicken over the fishy salmon.
How is everything? - Delicious! - Delicious! I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm a little turned on.
Hey, after the wedding, would you and the countess like to join me and Morty at the diner for a little French toast? Oh, we just ate.
Not French toast.
- He's a God! - He's a man! - He's a God! - He's a man! Guys, this is hardly the place for a religious debate.
We're talking about Sinatra.
Miss Babcock.
Oh, thank you, Niles, but you know I'm not supposed to do that.
How many times have you not done that tonight? About eight.
Oh, Niles, now that Maxwell's taken my life is over.
Oh, Miss Babcock, you always underestimate yourself.
You have a lot to offer a man.
You're witty, you're sophisticated, you're beautiful, you're sexy.
How many times have you done that tonight? About 12.
Dance with me.
Okay, butler boy.
( Chuckles ) Mr.
and Mrs.
Sheffield! Everything is perfect! Both families getting along swimmingly? Oh, listen, who's got the energy to fight? I mean, his side's too drunk, my side's too full.
That's it, I'm leaving.
Oh, here we go.
- Fran, I'm leaving.
- Why? I'm tired of these people insulting me.
Oh, uncle Stanley, please, they don't mean any harm by it, there's just from another culture.
I'm talking about our side.
Stanley, you sit down! We paid for your darned vegetarian dinner, now you eat it! Oh, darling, what do you say we just get out of here? Oh, we can't leave yet, they haven't thrown the bouquet.
Darling, you you do that.
You're the bride, remember? ( laughs ) And there's your silver lining.
I can't believe I'm kissing a married man.
How'd you like to join one in the bedroom? Ooh, that would be so wrong.
Oh, my God, Fran, you you look exquisite in this moonlight.
Well, after 29, a girls' best light is candle and or moon.
I love you, my darling.
I love you.
Don't move.
Don't move an inch.
I want to remember you just like this.
Let me get a camera.
Okay, don't forget to put the redeye on.
Ah! ( Water splashing ) Fran I Fran? Darling? Fran! Miss Fine! Fran: Mr.
Sheffield! Fran, I'm coming! I'm coming! ( Jazz music playing )
In just 24 hours from now I'll be holding Mrs.
Sheffield in my arms.
Are you as happy as I am? This is the happiest day of my life.
Congratulations, sir.
Thank you, Niles.
Hey, what about me? I'm the woman who's making you the happiest man in the world! Miss Fine, congratulations! Oh, uh, what's the suitcase for oh, wait a minute, I know.
If we elope now, the sooner we get to our wedding night, huh.
Excuse me, you made me wait five years and now all of a sudden, because you're in the mood, you think that I'm gonna come to you just like that.
Come to mama.
Oh, and you're so excited you're packing for the honeymoon already.
Oh, sweetie, I'm a Jewish woman going on a two-month cruise.
Do you really think these are all the clothes I'm going to need? Yes.
Oh, honey.
I wish I could stay, but I gotta go to ma's.
- What? - Yeah.
It's bad luck for the groom to see the bride 24 hours before the ceremony.
But we have the house all to ourselves.
Oh, I know but no, no, no, oh, God.
Oh, God.
( Beeping ) Oh, that's the 24 hours.
- What? - Yep.
That was a warning.
We only have two minutes left.
I can do it in two minutes.
You can? Well, darling, it has been five years.
Ooh.
Let's go.
You gotta get out now.
Ma, we still have two minutes left.
Trust me, there's only one man who can satisfy a woman in two minutes: Colonel Sanders.
She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens Till her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes What was she to do, where was she to go, she was out on her fanny So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door She was there to sell makeup but the father saw more She had style, she had flair, she was there, that's how she became the Nanny Who would have guessed that the girl we described Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now, the father finds her beguiling Watch out, C.
C.
And the kids are actually smiling such joie de vivre She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran So, Dad, last day as a free man.
No more wild nights, no more wild women, So, uh, basically same old same old.
Like father, like son, eh.
( laughs ) Yeah.
Your sister, sir.
Oh, Jocelyn.
There's the groom.
Oh.
Darling, handsome as ever.
( Clears throat ) Niles, you're always stunning.
Oh, stop.
Press everything in my bag, would you? I said stop.
So where is she? Where's mother? Oh, she declined the invitation.
Seems she despises your fiancee.
What? That's ridiculous.
I talked to her the other day, she said she adores Fran.
Abhors, darling.
I know it's horrid.
But you know mommy.
She doesn't think anyone has the class of a Sheffield.
Yeah, so? Pick a little duck, cheek cheek cheek Pick a little chocolate, pick a little chocolate, cheek cheek cheek Pick a little chocolate, pick a little chocolate, cheek cheek cheek In the short year that I've been here I have added a certain element of style and panache to this house.
Hmm, when did I eat corn? She loved my late wife, Sarah.
Oh, absolutely.
She thought she was a real stitch.
Yeah, right.
She did say stitch.
Oh, Jocelyn.
I can't believe this.
My own mother not coming to my wedding? Well, fine, fine, see if I care.
I don't need her approval.
All right, maybe, maybe Fran was a little rough around the edges at the beginning, but after five years of being exposed to the finest things in life one grows You got the edible undies in petite? Oh, wouldn't this look adorable on me? Ma, I'm getting a little scared just seeing it next to you.
How we doing on time? Oh, let's see.
Oh.
till the big event! But what about till the wedding? ( laughs ) Oh, good oh, you got the piña colada in petite, that's great.
Ma, wait till you see the gorgeous negligee that I ordered.
It is so black! Oh, no, no, no.
I ordered this in white.
No, I'm sorry, they shipped it in black, hon.
But I ordered it in white, doll.
No can do, babe.
Well, doll better do or babe'll kill doll! Everybody calm down.
Look, darling, my daughter is getting married in 19 hours and 9 seconds.
Is there something we could do to expedite the situation? Are you trying to bribe me with a candy bar? Half.
I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do to help you.
The South Jersey store can't ship till Monday, you'll have to take the black.
She can't wear friggin' black, it's her wedding night, she has to look like a virgin.
I said look.
We schlepped all the way to Jersey for that negligee and in two seconds he's gonna rip it off, cover you with chocolate Cool Whip and ravage you.
Taking a little trip to Hotel Vicarious, Ma? So, Sylvia, do you remember what you did the night before your wedding? Yeah, I dilated three centimeters.
I know what I'm gonna be doing.
Val's coming over, we're going to get manicures and pedicures And I got those special strips that when you tear them off your nose it cleans out your whole pores.
Ooh.
I use the tape from daddy's toupee.
It works the same way.
This is just fabulous.
We're making incredible time here.
There's nobody on the road but us.
Oh, this shortcut of yours is just brilliant.
( Loud pop ) Oh, God, oh, God! I just wanna say I hate you so much right now.
You know, it is so unwise for you to turn on me right now.
Because last week - No - the exact same thing happened to that tire.
And I learned how to change it.
Ooh, Val, you know how to change a tire.
I'm very impressed, I don't know anything about changing a tire.
Except - Val? - Yeah.
Is the spare tire over there? Not so impressed with me anymore, are you, Fran? How could you not replace the spare? We're in the middle of nowhere, what are we gonna do? Well, I learned something, I cannot go tinkle with a raccoon watching me.
Sylvia, do you know anything about patching a tire? What do I know from tires? Oh, I'll take care of it.
I don't believe you two, modern liberated women of the 90s, you don't know how to get a tire fixed.
Well, I don't care what my mother says.
I know you're the one for me.
( Twinkling sound ) Sarah: She is the one for you, Max.
Sarah? Hi, Max.
My God.
Have I completely lost it? No, no, no.
And you are making the right decision, Max.
That's why I came.
I want you to know how happy I am for you.
Oh, you are? Look at your eyes.
Look at your smile.
Heh.
I love what she's done for you.
Oh, I'm so happy to hear that, Sarah, because I'm just crazy about It's okay to love her, Max.
I love her too.
Look at what she's done for our children.
I will be grateful to her for the rest of my life.
It's an expression.
Oh, Sarah, my darling Sarah.
Oh, when I lost you, I couldn't handle anything.
Especially the children.
And then, out of nowhere, this meshugana woman.
- It's an expression.
- ( chuckles ) She came into our lives and for the first time made us all smile again.
Okay, well, we gotta make Maggie beautiful.
Sure, like that's gonna happen.
Shut up, Brighton.
Hey, be nicer to your sister.
Why? Because we're a family.
Yes, that's right, and someday your father's gonna be old and sick.
You're gonna want him to live with her.
I wrote you a poem, Fran.
You did? F is for the fun we have together, R is for the Rummy that we play, A is for the answers to my questions, and N is for the nasal things you say.
We were in the locker room after gym And? Fran, I'm smaller than everyone else.
Smaller? How? Oh, just forget it, it's too humiliating.
Well, what could be so humiliating about being smaller in a locker room? Honey, if you don't want me to go out with him, just say so.
I respect your feelings.
I don't want you to go out with him.
Well, then I won't go out with him.
I love you and I'd never do anything to hurt you.
I love you too, Fran.
But please let me go out with him.
I'm going to grow old and die waiting for your father.
Hello, sweetheart.
Do you like my party dress? Loehmann's, 70% off.
She'll never shop retail again.
Hi, Dad.
Surprised? No tricks, Brighton.
- Best behavior.
- Mm.
All right.
Come on, Maggie, don't be shy, honey.
My God, I had no idea how much she looked like her mother.
Oh, I think you'd really like her, Sarah.
I do, Max.
Why do you think I sent her to you? You sent her to me? And you heard her speak? I thought she had a cold.
Is everything all right? Niles, Niles, come on in, come on in.
Look who's here.
Who, sir? He can't see me, Max.
Would you like a drink? No, thanks, it goes right through me.
( laughs ) No, I'm fine, thank you.
Hmm.
Be happy, honey.
I'll always love you, Max.
And I'll always love you.
Right back at you, sir.
Oy.
Oy.
Let's stop.
I cannot move one more inch.
Oh, I'm just so parched.
I need water.
Oy.
I left the water in the trunk.
Oh, well, that's genius Val.
Now which one of us is gonna have to go all the way back and get it? Oh, fine.
I'll go.
All right, Fran.
This is starting to get really scary.
Remember that movie we saw where those people were starving so they started eating things they wouldn't normally eat? You mean the tape of my Bat Mitzvah? No! I mean the movie where they started eating each other.
Oh, well, fortunately we've got an all-you-can-eat buffet pulling up the rear.
You're gonna be hungry until you get a mindset.
You gotta block out all thoughts of food and pastry products.
You know, we've been walking for three hours.
How can you not be hungry? Ma? Did you eat my edible underwears? Maybe.
Ma, we were going to ration my undies! I was nervous.
You know I always eat when I'm nervous.
Nervous! Happy! Sad! Swimming! Well, if no one is going to have any more of the cake, I'm gonna put it away.
Oh, that's good.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Smart, yeah, ma.
Thanks, Ma.
Stop her! Stop her! She's got the cake! Oh, my God, I'm having palpitations! Quick, get me my medicine! ( Wailing ) Darling, what's wrong? Oh, nothing.
I just need to be with my daddy right now.
Oh, why, sweetheart? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I know, isn't it awesome? I knew that you would love it.
No, no, that was a shocked and horrified "oh, my God.
" It's blimey awful.
Well, I'm sorry, Dad, but I'm 18 years old now, and I can make my own decisions.
Miss Margaret, your hair, it makes you look so much younger.
No one will ever believe you're 18.
I love it.
Well, I hate it.
And I'm going back blonde.
She's easier to work than a Muppet.
Since you're feeling so clever, maybe you can help me with a rather delicate situation? Sir, who cares if your mother's not coming to the wedding? Miss Fine has more class than she'll ever have.
Isn't it interesting how you knew of it before I told you about the delicate situation? You know, sir, that haircut makes you look three years Oh, knock it off, Niles.
Do you think I should tell Fran my mother's Not coming to the wedding? Sir, if I had waited this long to tell her, it's the least you could do.
( Phone rings ) Yes, hello.
Oh, Mrs.
Torielo, What? Where? Well, you're I just got a pen, hang on.
Val, Fran and Sylvia haven't come back from New Jersey and now their car has been found abandoned on the side of the road.
Yes, Mrs.
Torielo, I'm here.
All right, good, I'm on my way.
Don't worry, Mrs.
Torielo, I'm sure everything is just fine.
Yes, I'm sure you're right, sir, they're very resourceful women.
I'm telling you it's gonna work.
Remember that nature program we saw where those bears made a spout in the trees so syrup would come out so they could eat? Val, those bears were Yogi and Boo-boo.
I cannot believe this is the night before my wedding and I'm stuck on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere with you, my mother and that stupid snake.
( Screaming ) Run away! I hate snakes! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
( Screaming ) Oh, my God.
Oh, forget it, Fran we're all out of quarters.
You don't need quarters for a callbox, Val.
Well, I wish you'd have told me earlier, we could've used the one next to the car.
- Hello? - Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Is there a problem? Fran: I'll say there's a problem.
We're stuck out here in the middle of nowhere.
I'm supposed to be getting married in less than 14 hours.
And we're starving to death because my mother ate my underwears.
All right, why don't all of you stay calm? We've got your callbox number, we'll send someone out to you in a few hours.
A few hours? No, no, sir, you don't understand.
I've waited five years to marry this man, and it's true we had some problems in the beginning well, not we, but he but he did.
My family loves him and, well, his mother adores me.
You know, it's it's really such a beautiful story.
I mean, some say it's pathetic, but you know I'm going with beautiful.
So what you're really saying is you feel terrible about this whole darn thing, and if you could you'd get down on your hands and knees and apologize.
Miss Fine! Apology accepted.
Ma, pack my things, he wants me back! Smile! Oh, thank you, Miss Fine.
Any time, Mr.
Sheffield.
Any time.
Once I can touch What my heart used to dream of I love you.
So we agree then.
- Friends.
- Friends.
For once in my life Fran, I love you.
Your father has something he wants to share with you all.
I've told Miss Fine I love her.
- What else is new? - What else is new? Oh, yes, I didn't take it back.
Oh, congratulations, Miss Fine! (cheering ) Fran.
( Sighs ) Will you marry me? For once I have something I know won't desert me What do you think? I'm not alone anymore For once I can sing I just might, you can take it Lady, it's a beautiful story, my heart goes out to you, but I got one tow truck and a wedding is not an emergency.
You're how old? I'll send the chopper.
Oh, thank you, thank you, sir.
He's coming to rescue us.
Oh, my God, it's my son-in-law.
Fran: Don't look, don't look, honey, you can't see me! What happened? I got a call from Val's mother.
They found a car.
I passed it down the road.
You know there was a callbox next to it.
You know what? Let's not revisit that.
Oh, honey I'm so happy that you're here.
Oh, darling, are you all right? No, wait, wait, wait, stop, stay where you are.
Remember? You can't see me for 24 hours before the ceremony.
Oh, ma, what's he wearing? The cashmere, he looks gorgeous.
Oh, I love the cashmere.
Ma, you're not wearing a bra? In case I die, I'm gonna go free and happy.
Oh, sweetie, go run over and pull the car here, but whatever you do, don't look at me.
Darling, darling, it's a two-hour drive, how can I possibly not look at you? Just keep your eyes fixated on me.
It'll be like a glimpse into the future.
Now, come here, sweetie, and give us a hug.
Val: Uh, Fran, it's never gonna be like this again.
Just the two of us lying here together.
God willing, Val.
To think you were almost gonna be the last girl in our class to get married.
Oy, wouldn't that have been pathetic? Val? I know.
I just figured it out.
Darling, it's time for the mother-daughter prenuptial talk.
Valerie, would you go into the kitchen and heat me up a nice big piece of apple pie? I get it, you want some privacy.
No, I want pie.
Darling, I knew I would be too emotional on your wedding day, so I wrote you a letter.
When did you have time to write it? On the day you were born.
"My darling daughter, after 23 hours of agonizing labor" PS, I'm never letting your father touch me again.
You're finally here.
( Crying ) Darling, this is the happiest day of my life until today: "your wedding day.
" "( crying ) And now, here you are, 21 years old.
" Kennedy was President.
We were all optimistic.
Ma, you know, I don't what you to think just because I'm getting married that this is gonna change anything between us.
I may be living with Maxwell, but you'll always live in your own home.
Now go.
Good night, sweetheart.
Good night, ma.
( TV playing ) Sir, with tomorrow being your wedding day, I thought a brandy might be in order.
Thank you, old man.
Oh, you want one? Oh, Niles, I just hope I can live up to Fran's expectations.
You know, I haven't been with a woman in quite some time.
Well, double quite some time, add two, and welcome to my world, pal.
It's just that she's so experienced.
I mean, she's been with an Italian guy, Niles.
Oh, sir, that was five years ago.
Believe me, the woman is so ready even an Englishman will please her.
Oh, my God.
These shoes don't fit, my shoes don't fit! They gave me the wrong shoes, they gave me the wrong shoes! Those are my shoes.
They're my shoes.
Oh, relax.
Relax.
These are her shoes.
There's my shoes.
( laughs ) - Fran.
- Yeah? You want me to get you a cup of coffee? Honey, do I seem like I need a buzz? - Fran? - Yeah.
- Sweetie.
- Baby.
Uh, you know as your bridesmaid, - Yeah.
- I got you something old, something new, something borrowed.
That's mine, Val.
Borrowed! ( laughs ) - The only thing that I forgot, - Yeah? Was something blue.
Val, if I don't have something blue, I can't get married.
Fran, Fran, Fran, you're going to choke her! Well, then at least I'll have something blue, won't I? ( Knocking door ) Shh.
Now, class it up! That could be somebody from his side of the family.
Entrez.
Can Maxwell's baby sister have a word with the bride? Of course.
Hello, darlings.
Can we have some privacy? Oh, here, girls.
Why don't you go tie this on to the limo? We need to have a little privacy.
I just wanted to give you a warm welcome to the Sheffield family.
- Ooh.
- Welcome.
I feel the love.
I do.
I do.
And don't let it bother you that mommy isn't coming today.
Mommy isn't coming today? Oh, didn't you know? But don't fret, darling.
Remember how much mommy hated Lester when I married him? She hates me? Oh, darling, Mommy only despised Lester because he's my chauffeur.
She despises me? Oh, Jocelyn's saying too much.
Look, darling, the point is mommy adores Lester now.
Oh, good.
Of course, that could be because we're divorcing.
What? You and Lester? Turned out mommy was right.
Classes can't mix.
Sure they can, sure they can.
You loved Lester, you loved that he was so different from you.
He was earthy and real, and, from what I heard, he was a wild animal in the bedroom.
Oh, yes, but eventually, darling, not having anything in common becomes a real bore.
Oh, don't get me wrong, I still enjoy the lovemaking, just not with Lester.
Oh, darling, don't worry.
It's completely different with you and Max.
I mean, Lester had no breeding.
His family was utterly classless.
Oy, where's the can? I took a diuretic instead of a Tylenol.
Oh! C.
C.
? I'm so sorry I'm late.
Can you imagine me, the bride, being late for my own wedding? Um.
Oh.
Um.
Ooh.
Maxwell, if there was one thing the place taught me is that it's Nanny Fine that you love, I'm very happy for the both of you.
Well, thank you very much, C.
C.
( wedding march playing ) ( music stops ) ( wedding march plays again ) ( music stops ) ( wedding march plays again ) ( music stops ) Friends, family, would you excuse me for just one moment? I'll kill her! How could you leave me standing at that darn altar? The minute this diuretic wears off, you're gonna get such hell.
( Knocking on door ) Ah, hello, darling.
Hi.
Listen, I don't know if you've checked your day planner recently, but if you look under today's date, it says "Get Married.
" Don't yell at me.
Can't you see I'm falling apart? The wedding is over.
God, you look incredible.
Sweetheart, would do you mean the wedding is over? Jocelyn and Lester are getting a divorce.
Well, what does that have to do with us? Their marriage didn't work because they're from two different worlds, just like us.
I mean, you're the sophisticated, classy Jocelyn, and I'm Lester.
The poor schlub who works for you.
Oh, come on, darling, you never really work.
You know, it's so wrong to make a joke now.
Sweetheart, I love you.
Sure, now.
I mean, now you find our differences charming.
But sooner or later you're going to get bored with me and even though you won't admit it, I know that you're going to be bugged by the fact that your mother hates me.
What? Who said my mother hates you? Your mean old sister.
Come here.
Oh, Fran, my darling.
How can I make you understand how much I adore you? Well, a few examples would be good.
All right, let's start with your sense of humor.
I love your vivacity, your guilelessness, your irreverence.
Can't you use words I understand? I love your pizzazz, your fire, your passion, I love the way you get excited over a good piece of coffee cake.
Or even a bad one.
Oh, and I love that smile.
Do you really need more? Would you mind? You see how you make me laugh? Oh, Fran, I love the way you love.
With all your heart and all your soul.
The way you love the children.
How they worship you.
You know, you blew into our lives five years ago like a whirlwind.
You made us all feel alive again.
For that alone, I'll love you forever.
You don't think I'm pretty? ( Wedding march playing ) ( wedding march continues ) ( music ends ) Seven and a half carats.
( Camera shutter clicks ) We'd like to begin the service with a traditional Jewish prayer.
( Praying in Yiddish ) Maxwell, do you promise to love and cherish Francine in sickness and in health as long as you both shall live? I do.
Francine? Do you I do.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Go ahead, go ahead.
Do you promise to love and cherish Maxwell in sickness and in health as long as you both shall live? I do.
Minister: If anyone here can give good cause as to why these two should not be married, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
By the power vested in us we now pronounce you husband and wife.
Kiss your bride! ( Cheering ) ( music playing ) I don't want to say anything, but could this chicken be drier? I'll take the dry chicken over the fishy salmon.
How is everything? - Delicious! - Delicious! I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm a little turned on.
Hey, after the wedding, would you and the countess like to join me and Morty at the diner for a little French toast? Oh, we just ate.
Not French toast.
- He's a God! - He's a man! - He's a God! - He's a man! Guys, this is hardly the place for a religious debate.
We're talking about Sinatra.
Miss Babcock.
Oh, thank you, Niles, but you know I'm not supposed to do that.
How many times have you not done that tonight? About eight.
Oh, Niles, now that Maxwell's taken my life is over.
Oh, Miss Babcock, you always underestimate yourself.
You have a lot to offer a man.
You're witty, you're sophisticated, you're beautiful, you're sexy.
How many times have you done that tonight? About 12.
Dance with me.
Okay, butler boy.
( Chuckles ) Mr.
and Mrs.
Sheffield! Everything is perfect! Both families getting along swimmingly? Oh, listen, who's got the energy to fight? I mean, his side's too drunk, my side's too full.
That's it, I'm leaving.
Oh, here we go.
- Fran, I'm leaving.
- Why? I'm tired of these people insulting me.
Oh, uncle Stanley, please, they don't mean any harm by it, there's just from another culture.
I'm talking about our side.
Stanley, you sit down! We paid for your darned vegetarian dinner, now you eat it! Oh, darling, what do you say we just get out of here? Oh, we can't leave yet, they haven't thrown the bouquet.
Darling, you you do that.
You're the bride, remember? ( laughs ) And there's your silver lining.
I can't believe I'm kissing a married man.
How'd you like to join one in the bedroom? Ooh, that would be so wrong.
Oh, my God, Fran, you you look exquisite in this moonlight.
Well, after 29, a girls' best light is candle and or moon.
I love you, my darling.
I love you.
Don't move.
Don't move an inch.
I want to remember you just like this.
Let me get a camera.
Okay, don't forget to put the redeye on.
Ah! ( Water splashing ) Fran I Fran? Darling? Fran! Miss Fine! Fran: Mr.
Sheffield! Fran, I'm coming! I'm coming! ( Jazz music playing )