Alfred Hitchcock Presents s05e23 Episode Script

Good evening.
I have some advice for those of you who want to be performers.
Don't blindly answer an advertisement.
How was I to know that they call themselves the Doheny Brothers? That is Ship.
That's Towser, and this is Bounce.
All right.
And I'm Spot.
You have no idea what I've been through this week.
Jumping through hoops, They're jealous because I can stand on my hind legs better than they.
It's the only trick I do well.
Ours is a difficult act to follow, but I know someone who is just foolhardy enough to try.
After which, we shall have tonight's play.
I see You had this compulsion to become rich.
Go on.
Of course, in these days, the only way a girl can become a millionaire, if she doesn't inherit the money, is to marry it.
But the only millionaire in Craigsville was old Wilbur Craig.
So my problem was, how does a deserving young girl pry loose all that money from a rich, old coot? Well, the first thing he did to simplify matters for me, was to die.
"and so, having amassed a fortune which I leave, reluctantly, "I, Wilbur Orville Craig, being of sound mind, "do hereby make my last will and testament.
" Old Wilbur not only left all those millions, but the next nice thing he did for me, was to leave only one surviving relative.
Not bad looking, not too smart, but best of all, unmarried.
"Next, to my faithful housekeeper, Martha Henderson, "who has served me well, "even though she has been taking a seven and a half percent "kickback from the grocer and the butcher for the last 32 years, "I give $10,000 and 1,000 shares of Craig Coal and Coke.
" Oh, he was a kind and good man.
Mr.
Craig, will you sit down and stop looking so happy? Let's try and remember that this is the reading of a will.
Oh, I I'm sorry.
Don't see why we have to all be such killjoys.
"And as to the bulk of my estate, "consisting of more than $800,000 in cash "as well as the securities and properties listed below, "this I leave in trust for the one who has meant the most to me, "one whose high spirits have brightened these last days, "but was always there when I called, "my ever faithful, Casper.
" Casper? But you can't leave a fortune to a dog! That's true.
I can't.
But your uncle could and did.
And believe me, this document is absolutely legal.
But I've been planning.
He's just a dog! A dog can't Wait a minute.
Casper's got to have a guardian.
I mean, somebody's got to take care of him.
I mean, like, who's going to help him with his income tax? I'm coming to that.
Casper's guardian and the administrator of this trust is declared to be my butler, Sam Loomis.
Loomis? But he hasn't forgotten you, Mr.
Craig.
I'll say he hasn't.
He's remembered everything I did in my entire life that he didn't approve of.
Which was everything.
Yes.
The income from the trust is to be used for Casper's shelter and comfort and the maintenance of the Craig mansion as a suitable home and cultural background for the dog.
At Casper's death, the estate will pass into the hands of my only surviving relative, Thomas Craig.
Oh, that's very nice of him.
But I need it now.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Craig, but all that your uncle's will provides for you at this time is one dollar and the right to room and board here in the mansion.
Thanks a lot, Unc.
But I'll take it.
And the buck, too.
And that finishes the reading of the will.
Man's best friend.
What've you got to beg about? Tom had good reason to worry.
He was now faced with a loss even more disastrous than money.
Me! Well? Let's have a drink.
All right.
Did they all put on those phony tears? Tell me about it.
I want to hear everything.
Everything? Well, there's really not much to tell.
All right, we don't have to be hypocrites about it.
You can skip the details.
Just tell me how much we're drinking to.
Well, that's really hard to say, I know there are lawyer's fees and inheritance taxes, but you can make a rough guess.
Yeah, but it won't be a guess, and it's pretty rough.
Tom, how much did he leave you? One dollar.
One what? I don't believe you.
But he wouldn't dare! You're his only living relative.
This is almost What did he do with all that money? Who did he leave it to? His dog.
His dog? But that's crazy! He can't do that! You'll protest it.
He was obviously insane when he No, I can't, and he wasn't.
And it's all absolutely legal.
Oh, this is despicable! That vicious old man leaving everything to a vicious old dog.
That's one of the problems, honey.
The dog isn't very old.
What do you mean? Well, I do inherit everything, but only after the dog dies.
After he dies? Well, then Tom, honey, darling, sweetheart, what's the problem? The problem is, the dog is only two years old.
With good care he can live to be 16.
Oh, I can see you must've been through an awful lot today.
You must be very tired, 'cause my honey's not thinking straight.
Huh? Maybe he could live to be 16 with good care.
But how long with a little bad care? Hmm? Oh, no, I couldn't do that.
That would be murder! Oh, no, honey.
A nasty, mean old animal like that? He's just a dog.
But he's a living creature.
And he is kind of a friendly mutt.
I know, darling, I know.
But It wasn't too difficult.
I was asking for so little.
After all, Cleopatra made Julius Caesar give her the throne of Egypt.
How could Tom Craig refuse to kill a mere dog for me? The plan was brilliantly simple.
What could be more natural than a man going out hunting with a dog? A hunting accident.
Of course, Tom wouldn't be bringing home what he was going to kill.
Casper, you're a good hunting dog.
You found a good place.
All right, sit.
Sit, Casper, sit.
Now stay.
No, look, Casper.
Over there, not here.
Never mind.
I'll go over there.
You stay here.
Stay.
Now, stay.
Stay.
Oh! It's a dog! Oh, I'm sorry, friend.
Howdy? Uh, you baggin' anything? Uh, no, not much around here.
Hear tell, there's a lot of game up north of the hollow there.
Oh, maybe I'll try over there.
Say, are you huntin' with that dog? Well, sure, why not? Well, it's all right, I guess, except I never figured that breed for a hunting dog.
Oh, I'm told he has a touch of hound in him.
I see.
Well, maybe I'll try north of the hollow.
I know it took a lot of courage for Tom to pull that trigger But he was doing it for me.
And as I waited, that fortune so close now, it seemed an eternity.
But then You missed? You see any blood? What happened? Let's get outta here! This place is full of trigger-happy hunters! Now, don't be upset.
We mustn't be discouraged because something went wrong the first time.
We can very easily find another Oh, no.
No.
I've had it.
I couldn't have pulled that trigger in the first place.
Besides, look, I almost got killed.
And you know why? Because I was doing something wrong.
Oh, I knew it from the very beginning.
No, it's not right, he's a nice dog, and as far as I'm concerned, he can die in his own good time.
But, darling, sweetheart, my angel No.
No! I don't know how you could have asked me to do such a thing in the first place.
Oh, you're right, dear.
I don't know what came over me.
How could I possibly think that you could hurt such a darling animal? We were just being selfish and We'll forget the whole thing.
Yeah? Oh, gee, honey.
I'm glad you feel that way, but let's forget it someplace else.
Forget it? A fortune? Just because he was obviously suffering from a hormone deficiency? I wouldn't even tell him what I had in mind now.
After all, Madame du Barry got what she wanted, and not by telling Louis everything.
Well, I hear ya, doll, but just where do I figure in this? Well, to be perfectly blunt, Mr.
Noonan Now you're talkin'.
I want you to dispose of Casper.
Well, uh, I'll tell ya, angel.
I mean, it's a little outta my line.
Like it would be a snap if you wanted me to follow this dog or rough him up or maybe get some pictures of him in a motel.
But knockin' him off Why? It's not as if I was asking you to kill a person.
Well, no, but this is a well-known mutt.
He's an heir and Mr.
Noonan, I was told that you didn't mind doing things that are a little beyond private investigating.
Well I came to you in good faith and told you things I had no business telling anyone.
You can't back out on me now.
I ain't backing out, baby.
I never drove in.
No, I'm sorry.
I'm willing to pay you $1,000.
One thousand? Just to erase a dog? Plus expenses? Plus expenses.
When can you start? I started already.
Why didn't you tell me you had it in mind to be so generous? No, this has got to look like an accident.
Anything you say.
And, uh, by the way, I don't think it would be necessary to upset my fiancé with any of these details, do you? Oh, no.
No, no.
It's just between you and me.
And, of course, the dog.
By the way Yeah? You don't like dogs, do you? Only hot and on a bun.
It was up to me to get Noonan into the house, where he could do what he had to without looking suspicious.
You're sure now that Cousin Vincent won't be in the way? You know, my place is so small.
Oh, don't give it a second thought.
Any cousin of Judy's is a cousin of mine.
Or they will be.
Oh, Loomis! I'll go find Loomis.
He can take your bag up and show you your room.
Oh, thanks, thanks.
Say, I don't blame you being angry at that mutt Keepin' you from all this stuff.
Ah, he's friendly.
Then it'll make it even easier.
Get down! You're getting' hair all over my flannels.
Come on, beat it! Loomis, this is Mr.
Noonan.
He'll be staying with us for a while.
How do you do, sir? Will you be with us long? Well, I expect to wind up my business in a couple of days.
I, uh, hope to make a quick killing, then blow! Hello, there, boy.
Nice dog you got there.
Noonan was very thorough.
He gave a great deal of thought to the method by which he would help Casper to a lovely accident.
Now, look, don't give me any of that phony personality stuff.
That don't cut no Casper? Casper! Oh, there you are.
Would you like to have your dinner in the library tonight with Mr.
Noonan? Good evening, sir.
Good evening, good evening.
Uh, steaks for the dog? Filet mignon, prime.
He gets one every night.
He loves it.
What's not to love? This was not as simple an assignment as Noonan thought it was going to be.
I guess good things never come easily.
I think warm is a better word.
This house is so comfortably furnished, all these beautiful marble fireplaces, even the sweet pup.
By the way, Loomis, where is Casper? He's having his after-dinner nap, Miss.
Oh, did he have his dinner already, huh? Yes, sir.
Uh, Cousin Vincent, my Tommy is a hard-working man now, but, uh, I'll bet he's finding out, earning a weekly paycheck is no picnic.
Oh, no, honey, you know, I'm beginning to find out that coal and coke is a pretty interesting business.
Besides, we're going to need the money if we get married next month.
Say, Vincent, can you stay on for the wedding? Well, I don't know.
My business has just about wound up.
Say, Loomis, I don't know what kind of sauce you put on this meat, but it's great.
Whatever it is, it's just great.
Yes, Loomis, these meatballs are wonderful.
Meatballs? You two eatin' meatballs? Yes, sir.
I talked it over with Mr.
Tommy.
Yesterday you expressed a desire for steak and I didn't have time to shop, so we decided that Casper tonight, can do without his filet mignon.
Well, that's really swell of you two guys.
Filet mignon? How do you feel now, Vince? Better, I think.
Gee, I wonder what could have caused it.
Must have been somethin' I ate I mean, yesterday.
Well, the doctor says you're out of danger, but I better get this prescription filled anyway.
Honey, will you stay with him till I get back? I'll stay with him.
Mind if I let Casper in? Poor fella's been sitting outside worrying about you.
All right, let him in.
You! What do you mean, him? You! You've been here almost a week now and the closest you can come to getting rid of that animal is almost killing yourself! I could have hired a moron and gotten somebody with more brains.
Look who's on my side.
Well, he ought to be, the way you've been taking such good care of him.
I'm just about fed up.
Now do you want that $1,000 or don't you? Sure! Then he better be out of my life and by tomorrow! And I don't care how you do it.
Push him off a cliff, drown him.
Drown him? I thought you wanted something more than that for $1,000.
Something with imagination.
I suppose I can make it look accidental.
Then do it! Okay.
Now, look, Casper.
It It's true I don't know very much about dogs, but I guess as dogs go you're pretty much all right.
Uh, you mustn't take this personal, but what's gotta be has gotta be.
I mean, it's like as if the syndicate sent a guy up.
It's strictly business.
Personally, you're not hard to take, but 1,000 bucks is easier.
You understand? I see Yes, sir.
Goodbye.
Well, good morning, miss.
Did they find him? I'm afraid not, miss.
That was Mr.
Tommy.
He should be back any minute.
And Casper wasn't at the dog pound either.
Oh, that is too bad.
If you'll excuse me, miss, I'd like to take one more look around the neighborhood.
You just do that little thing.
Noonan, it worked.
Are you kiddin'? That dog saved my life.
He saved my life.
And anybody that wants to kill him has to do it over my dead body! But you've got to, you promised! You can keep your 1,000 bucks.
Then I'll kill him myself! Judy! Tom, darling, I'm glad you're here.
See, Casper's here and he's all right.
Tom? Don't look at me like that, darling.
I was only trying to do it for us.
After all, you said yourself you wanted us to spend our honeymoon on our own yacht, cruising through the Mediterranean.
Well, we can't do it if the dog's got all our money.
Darling? Sweetheart? Lover I could see that Tom no longer loved me.
But Casper did.
And that's when it came to me.
The one simple plan that could still make me rich! And that was? To become a dog and marry Casper.
I lost the rest of my act.
Their uncle died and left them a small fortune, so they retired.
Now that you have seen "Craig's Will" listen to this codicil, after which, I shall return.
After the humiliations we've experienced this evening, I think it's time man reasserted his superiority over animals.
Until next week, good night.