Bewitched (1964) s05e23 Episode Script

Samantha, the luncheon was delicious.
Thank you, Mrs.
Stephens.
The omelette is your recipe.
Oh, that's why it's so good.
Mother.
Wh Where did she come from? Oh, Mother just loves to pop in unexpectedly.
Yes.
I just flew in from Monaco.
But But she wasn't here a minute ago and And suddenly she was.
Now, now, now, Mrs.
Stephens, you know that's impossible.
Perhaps your eyes are playing tricks on you.
Samantha, my dear, I was playing chemin de fer with the prince.
- How did you do? - Not badly.
I won the palace.
Of course, I won't hold the prince to it.
Now, you two just go on talking about whatever it is you talk about.
I really came to see Tabitha.
I thought I'd take the little princess to the zoo.
- To the zoo? - Oh, yes.
Tabitha and I spent a perfectly lovely day there last week.
Oh, you did.
How nice.
They They They They were there for half an hour, and I was with them.
Tabitha just loved the unicorn and the dodo bird.
There are no such things as unicorns and dodo birds.
We saw the usual things: Elephants and tigers and monkeys.
And a unicorn and a dodo bird.
Samantha, when can I have Tabitha for the day? I think I'd like to take her to the museum.
Oh, I think she's a little too young for the museum.
But not for the zoo? Right you are.
I knew you'd understand.
Oh, that's probably Frank, come to pick me up.
I have such a thoughtful husband.
Always so prompt.
And such a good honker.
Sorry you have to leave, Mrs.
Stephens.
- She is tedious.
- Mother.
You know, the next time I go to Monaco I think I'll take her with me.
Maybe I can lose her.
Well, I finally got Tabitha down for her nap.
- Mother.
- Five minutes to place your wager.
- What are you doing? - Isn't it obvious? I'm sitting on a horse.
- I can see that.
But why? - To give you a little preview.
I've decided to be the first woman jockey to ride at Aintree.
- Oh, splendid.
- These are the queen's silks.
Well, no disrespect to the queen but would you mind getting her silks and horse off my rug? Oh, Samantha.
You're definitely no fun at all anymore.
I know.
Regular old stick-in-the-mud.
I'll count to three.
Don't bother.
Cream or lemon? Cream, please.
Oh, you'll loosen up once we get to swinging London.
- London? - Yes, the three of us.
With Durwood away for the weekend, it's an opportunity for Tabitha to visit all the fascinating relatives on our side of the family.
Well, Mother, I'm afraid that - Excuse me.
- You and Tabitha can visit your father in London, while I have cocktails with the queen mother.
Then I thought we'd catch up with Uncle Arthur in Marrakech and then on to Skorpios where I understand Serena is stirring up a bit of trouble.
- Mr.
Stephens.
- Hi, Samantha.
Is Mrs.
Stephens with you? No, she thinks I'm out shopping.
- Come in.
- Oh, thank you.
Well what a pleasant surprise.
Phyllis didn't mention that you were here.
She probably likes to keep good news to herself.
Besides, she seemed a little unstrung when she left.
Yeah, well, she had a sick headache on the way home.
- That's what I want to talk about.
- Would you care for some tea? - Oh, thank you.
- Oh, allow me.
- Sit down.
- Samantha Phyllis has the idea that you're waging some sort of a campaign to keep her away from Tabitha.
Now, why would I do a thing like that? Well, she feels it's because you think that she is senile and incompetent.
That's ridiculous.
Then why are you trying to keep them apart? - I'm not.
- Well, I believe it but in order to convince Phyllis I'm going to ask you to do me a favour.
- Cream or lemon? - Cream, thank you.
- You were going to ask me a favour? - Yes.
But now, I think it's best if she thinks it's your idea.
What is the favour? Well, now, in the first place, I realize that Tabitha is too young for museums.
- Good for you.
- So I'm going to suggest a compromise.
- Compromise? - Yes.
How about letting Tabitha spend the weekend with us? Well, I think one of these weekends it could be arranged.
- I had this weekend in mind.
- That sounds like a marvellous idea.
Gives mother and daughter a chance to be together.
Last month in Barcelona I met a matador you just wouldn't believe.
Then perhaps you would.
I just don't think that Tabitha is ready to spend a weekend away from home.
Nonsense, Samantha.
When you were 4, you were out watching fireworks in Tivoli Gardens.
Remember? With your champagne and caviar snack? - Mother.
- Oh, the modern generation just doesn't swing.
The point is, I'm afraid Tabitha's still at the "spilly" stage and you have so many beautiful things.
Oh, they're only things.
It isn't the spilling so much.
It's the sticky fingers.
Love sticky fingers.
So, is it okay? Or are you gonna watch me float away on a sea of Phyllis' crocodile tears? You're very persuasive.
- Then it's settled.
- Well, l Of course, Sam, I don't want you to feel you had no choice in the matter so what time would you like Tabitha picked up tomorrow? How about after lunch? Let's say, 5:30? Let's say 1:00.
And now, remember, this whole thing is your idea.
Oh, well, I hate to hog all the credit, but if you insist.
Oh, well, I do insist.
So nice seeing you again.
Don't bother to see me out, dear.
Goodbye.
Boy, are you a big help.
Now all I have to do is figure a way out.
Why? Most grandparents get to spend weekends with their grandchildren.
Most grandparents don't have grandchildren who can turn them into toads.
Say, that might be an improvement.
When can you be ready to leave for Barcelona? - I can be ready at 1:00.
- Marvellous.
To go with Tabitha on her weekend with her mortal grandparents.
Oh, Samantha, you're an absolute drear.
I know.
I know.
- It's a fatal case.
- In which case, darling Tallyho! All right now, Tabitha, when we get to your grandmother's house Will she make unicorns and dodo birds? No, sweetheart.
Your other grandmother makes things like that.
This grandmother makes raisin cookies.
- I like raisin cookies.
- Good.
- Not as much as unicorns and dodos.
- As unicorns and dodos.
Tabitha, in this world, there are two different kinds of people.
- I know.
- You do? There are big people and little people.
Yes, sweetheart, that's right.
- Oh, Mrs.
Stephens.
- Am I early? - Oh, just a bit.
- Oh, I must be fast.
Well, I see my little lamb is all ready.
So am I.
- Oh, are you coming too? - Lf you don't mind.
Oh, no.
No, no, of course not.
Mrs.
Stephens, I don't mean to impose, it's just that Impose? Lmpo Did I say impose? - No.
- Come along.
I'll take my granddaughter.
You bring the bags.
Here we go.
"Here we go.
" Samantha, what a pleasant surprise.
- I didn't know you were coming.
- Neither did I.
- Hi, Grandpa.
- Hi, Tabitha.
- How's my big girl? - Fine.
I didn't think it was fair to leave her with you for the entire weekend.
She's such a lively child.
So was Darrin, but I wasn't too incompetent to handle him.
Oh, well, that was years ago.
You might try being on my side once in a while.
Come along, darling.
- Here we go.
- Oh, Mrs.
Stephens? It's time for her nap.
Milk and cookies first.
Her nap later.
Why not visit with Frank, Samantha? He'll tell you all about his latest invention.
I am going to make a fortune with this one.
Sam, sit down.
I'll tell you all about it.
Oh, we're going to have a wonderful weekend, Tabitha.
While you're visiting here you can do anything you want.
You mean things I'm not allowed to do at home I can do here? - Of course.
It's a vending machine for the home.
Now, you press a button and, zingo out comes a martini.
You press another button, and, pow, an old-fashioned.
You press another button, and, pingo, a Tom Collins.
Wow, well, that's progress, all right.
No home should be without one.
Guess what Grandma has for you on the patio.
A surprise.
I'm Black Bart.
I'm Black Bart.
A bird that can talk.
Hello there, baby.
Did you make him so he can talk? Everything that bird knows, he learned from me.
Frank, I have a sick headache.
Frank, I have a sick headache.
I'll get you some more cookies.
Hello there, baby.
- I'm Tabitha.
- I'm Black Bart.
- I know.
Is it fun being a bird? - Frank, I have a sick headache.
- Is that all you can say? - I'm Black Bart.
I wish you could talk better.
- Hello, Tabitha.
- Hi, Black Bart.
That's a dumb name.
Call me Mr.
Marvellous.
Mr.
Marvellous, is it fun being a bird? - I can take it or leave it.
- Would you like to be an eagle? In this stupid cage? - Well - Frank! Frank.
Oh, Frank.
Something is terribly wrong.
That bird is having a conversation with Tabitha.
Excuse me.
Well, of course they're having a conversation.
Isn't that why you taught the bird to talk? Tabitha, did you do a no-no to this bird? - Yes.
- Tabitha.
Grandma said I can do anything I want.
No one can give you permission to use witchcraft, except me.
- But you won't.
- That's right.
Now, you un-witch that bird, young lady.
Okay.
Be the way you were before.
I'm Black Bart.
Hello there, baby.
Frank, I have a sick headache.
Now, Frank, just Just listen to this.
Is it Is it fun being a bird, Mr.
Marvellous? I'm Black Bart.
Hello there, baby.
Well, that doesn't sound much like a conversation to me.
Frank, I swear to you If you'll excuse us, it's time for Tabitha's nap.
- Where shall I put her? - Upstairs, the first door to the right.
Thank you.
And why don't you stretch out on the couch for a while? I'm afraid you've been overdoing things lately.
Nonsense.
I never felt better.
Frank would you mind getting a tiny bit of sherry? - Mr.
Marvellous? - I'm Black Bart.
I'm Black Bart.
I'm Black Bart.
I'm Black Bart.
Up from our nap so soon? I would have gotten her.
You were so busy.
I didn't want to disturb you.
Can I have some more cookies? - No, sweetheart.
No - Of course you can, darling.
One of these days, I do believe you're going to turn into a raisin cookie.
That would be fun, Mommy.
Hello, everybody.
I'm not going to ask where you came from.
I'll just assume that you came to take Samantha home.
No.
No, Mother just popped in to say hello.
Hello.
- Hello.
- How nice.
Here you are, darling.
Can Grandmama have a cookie too? They're not by chance from an Alice B.
Toklas recipe? - They're my recipe.
- Then I think I'll pass.
Well, well, well.
- Where did you come from? - Frank.
As long as you've asked, I just popped in from Liverpool where I was exercising my horse for the upcoming Grand National steeplechase at Aintree.
Oh, what a kidder.
- Yeah.
- Mother's just a laugh a minute.
- Now that we're all here, I have an idea.
- Oh, beginner's luck.
Samantha, your mother's a card.
Mrs.
Stephens, maybe it would be better if Mother and I went home.
- Well, whatever for? - Frank, never mind.
And took Tabitha with us.
- Whatever for? - Well, l I just remembered that Tabitha prefers to sleep in her own little bed.
How do you know? Has she ever spent a night away from home? A night I know nothing about? Oh, Phyllis, I think what Samantha is trying to say I know what Samantha's trying to say.
She wants to take Tabitha home because she thinks I'm senile.
Mrs.
Stephens, I didn't say you were senile.
That's what you meant when you said she prefers sleeping in her own bed.
- I did? - Of course you did.
Phyllis, Samantha didn't say it, you did.
- I'll bring Tabitha over some other time.
- When she's older.
Frank, I'm getting a sick headache.
Frank, I'm getting a sick headache.
Well, I am! You do understand, don't you, Mr Stephens? - Well, not exactly.
- He's trying.
Well, come along, Tabitha.
Tabitha? Well, that's funny.
She was here just a minute ago.
Oh, she must be playing hide-and-seek.
It's her favourite game.
- Would you mind looking on the patio? - No, not at all.
- Well, I'll look out front.
- Good, good.
We don't really think she's playing hide-and-seek, now do we? No.
We really think that Grandmama is up to one of her tricks.
Not guilty, Samantha.
- Witch's honour? - Witch's honour.
Tabitha, wherever you are I want you to come out this instant.
Samantha.
- Samantha, look for something small.
- I beg your pardon? When a mortal child feels responsible for a grown-up argument that child gets upset and runs away, right? Well, yes, but But a little witch wouldn't have to run away.
She could change herself into something else.
That way she can hang around and watch the grown-ups making idiots of themselves.
- Oh, of course.
I remember the time you and Daddy were having that silly argument Never mind that time.
Remember the time your father and Uncle Arthur were quarrelling about who would take you to be introduced at court? Just barely.
You changed yourself into a postage stamp.
That must be how I ended up in Istanbul.
Exactly.
Well, it wasn't much fun.
Those Turks are kind of rough.
You know that little beauty mark that's on your shoulder? That's where they cancelled you.
Well, all we have to do is look for something small that Tabitha changed herself into.
Yes.
Tabitha, if you're in there, I want you to come out at once.
- Did you hear me? - Flower bowl.
Flower bowl.
Are you Grandmama's pretty little Tabitha? Tabitha Oh, hi.
Tabitha's such a good little hider you just have to look everywhere for her.
Yes.
Yes, we looked outside all around the house and she was nowhere to be seen.
I don't want to be nosy but were you just talking to this flower bowl? Flower bowl? I? My dear, why should I do an eccentric thing like that? There's nothing for us to do but call the police.
First I think I'll have a cookie.
Would you like a cookie, Mother? Oh, the poor things.
They're cracking up.
You're always feeling sorry for everyone else but me.
- I'll get your sherry.
- I'll get a tall glass.
Now.
Tabitha.
You will turn back into yourself by the time I count to three.
- One, two - Three.
Tabitha.
She wasn't here a moment ago.
I know it.
- Where did she come from? - Well, now, let's see.
She came from Well, she came I just came back from being a raisin cookie.
Frank, remember your marriage vows: In sickness and in health.
Now Now, Mrs.
Stephens, sometimes little girls have little secrets that grown-ups shouldn't try to understand.
Thank you dear, I'll I'll hold that thought.
And I vote we continue this weekend after Frank and I come back from our cruise.
What cruise? The Mediterranean one I just decided we'll take.
Excuse me.
- Did I do something bad? - Yes.
- It really wasn't your fault.
- Will I be punished anyway? Of course not, my little angel.
Not until later.
Want a cookie? I hope putting her to bed without dessert wasn't too severe a punishment.
I don't think it's going to warp her personality if that's worrying you.
Oh, but chocolate pudding, Samantha.
Her favourite dessert.
Honestly, Mother.
Mommy did a no-no.
There are times when mommies are allowed to do no-nos.
Now, you go to sleep, young lady.
Right now.
What happened to you? I ran a collision course with your chocolate pudding.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Mother, you sent that chocolate pudding to Tabitha.
- Now, tell the truth.
- I always tell the truth as I see it.
Mother, you are an incorrigible witch.
And you are an insensitive, selfish, mortal-marrying child.
Well, you don't have to get that huffy about it.
I guess she does have to get that huffy about it.
Oh, well.
Mom?