Everybody Loves Raymond s05e23 Episode Script

Would you guys knock it off? You're killing me here.
Hey, what are you doing? What are you doing? I don't know.
Is that my new lipstick? Give me this.
Now listen, you go upstairs and wash your faces.
Hey hey, we don't have to have this cowboy party on Saturday.
I'll get my scissors and cut your birthday right out of the calendar.
Oh, come on! Maybe this is a bourbon salesman.
- Mom, hi.
Oh my gosh.
- Hi.
You know, you're early.
The birthday party's not for two days.
No, I know.
I came today because I wanted to talk to you.
- But why didn't you call? - Your father and I have separated.
Hello, Lois.
- Hi, Marie.
- I saw you drive up.
Was I given the wrong day for the party? What? What's going on? Did I miss something? - I think I missed something.
- It's okay.
- We'll see you later, okay, Marie? - I think I missed something.
If anybody needs to talk to me, I'm just right across the street.
I have marble cake! What are you talking about? What do you mean you've separated? Well, I don't suppose it's any secret that your father and I have had our problems.
We even tried that marriage counseling thing in New Jersey.
One week of counseling and this is what you come up with? This is how you work things out? Oh, honey, this can't be a complete surprise.
You know we were never truly compatible and New Jersey actually made us see that.
Oh, yeah, that's right, New Jersey, "The Just Give Up State.
" Well, it was 41 years, so you can't say we didn't give it a shot.
Now please, don't be upset, because I'm not, really.
I feel wonderful and free.
You're unbelievable.
And what about Dad? Well, he's fine too, and we'll stay close.
We'll probably be better friends than before.
And you know Pat and Cyril went through this, and they're much happier now.
They share custody of the dogs.
This is just like you, you know? Your hip and trendy lifestyle.
It's chic to get separated now, so that's what you do instead of putting any effort into Come on, Debra, now that's not fair.
It's been nothing but effort, and I have tried.
You have never tried anything for longer than it was on a magazine cover.
Marie.
Hello? Hiya, Lois.
I was looking for Marie.
Oh, yeah? For me, just the opposite.
Juice? No, thank you.
Would you mind if I just hung out here for a bit? Nothing's going on.
What are you? Put on some clothes with company in the house.
What company? She's family.
Hey, there's nothing here she ain't seen on Warren.
Am I wrong? Hey, where is Warren? Abu Dhabi or something? Could be.
That's why I came over.
I want to tell you that Warren and I are splitting up.
I'll put pants on.
Oh.
You poor dear.
No no, it's okay, Marie.
It's okay.
He's leaving you.
No, it's completely mutual.
We're both quite happy, honestly.
You don't have to pretend with me.
You can tell me all the awful details.
Please.
No, not those pants.
They go to Goodwill.
Hey, I love these pants.
Who the hell are you to give 'em to Goodwill?! There are holes in the seat! You've worn through them! Then you can't give 'em to Goodwill! That's bad will! There are other pants in the dryer.
Put on one of those.
No! These are the pants! No, you are not wearing those pants, Frank! - You're just like an animal! - Animals don't even like pants! - You did that on purpose! - I did not! You're the animal! Go on, dear.
Well, it's really very simple.
It's been over 40 years, and we needed a change.
You don't seem very upset.
Actually, I'm more upset and surprised that Debra seems so upset.
Well, I must say.
I completely understand Debra here.
I mean, I was brought up to consider it a sin to divorce.
And here you are talking about it so casually.
How long have you and Warren been separated? About two weeks.
What's it like? Hey! Cheese doodle.
I ordered a moon bounce for the kids party Saturday.
It's a corral.
Goes with your whole cowboy theme.
They said you gotta be under 80 pounds to jump in there, but screw that guy.
I'm going in.
Listen, Ray.
- What? - I have to tell you something.
Yeah.
It's pretty big.
Oh, boy.
Yeah.
My parents have separated.
They're on the path to divorce.
- You laugh? You laugh?! - No no no no.
No! It's one of those moments, you know? It's too serious or something.
I wasn't ready for it.
This is terrible.
No, all right, st There's nothing funny here.
This is awful.
You know what it is.
It's just it's the way that you said it.
"They're on the path to divorce.
" I'm not smiling.
I didn't smile.
I'm not smiling.
You know what it is? It's the image I have.
I picture that there was a path in the forest with, like, one of those wooden signs.
"Divorce this way" and I don't know.
What? - Like "Three little pigs this way.
" And then your face when you said it, it was just a little serious.
That's all.
No! I think I had too much fun at work today.
You know what happened? The door to the vending machine, it was broken, see? Free candy.
These are my favorites.
Twix.
Hey.
Hungry? You know, if you're interested, I got a little candy left upstairs.
It's okay, I got my candy.
What happened to your parents? Why, you want another good laugh? I didn't laugh.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Come on, I'm sorry about your parents.
It's very bad.
I'm sorry.
We have to talk about this.
I wanna talk about this with you.
Come on, we have to discuss this.
So, your parents, boy - Go ahead.
- Well, I don't what do you say? I'm sorry.
But, I mean, I have to say this.
I think everybody could have seen this coming, right? I mean, remember Thanksgiving, how they yelled? It was terrible.
I had a hard time finishing my pie.
I know they had problems, Ray.
Then why are you so surprised? Because they're my parents! They're splitting up! What I can't believe is that they're the ones getting a divorce.
It should be your parents.
Well.
I don't think that's a particularly nice thing to say.
- I'm sorry.
- I think someone's awfully competitive.
All right, I'm sorry, Ray.
No, that's fine.
Say what you want about my parents.
You usually do.
But I will say this.
Maybe, maybe your parents are splitting up because they kept everything inside for so long that they finally just exploded.
Like when you put a pudding cup in the microwave.
Which was not me, by the way.
So this doesn't worry you? - What? - What about us.
- What do you mean? - What if we're headed that way? I keep a lot of stuff inside, too.
No, you don't.
I drop a sock on the floor, you scream like a horror movie.
There's plenty more I keep inside, believe me.
There can't be a lot left in there.
I hate my mother.
No, you don't.
How do you know this is your mother's fault? It's her fault.
She's so Why is she doing this? I mean, my parents being together I mean, I have counted on that my whole life.
Through school and college and then struggling after college, you know, when I didn't know what I was doing or where I was going, at least I had Their marriage was like a rock, the one solid rock for me.
Well maybe it was more like a stone, okay? And now it has passed.
- That's enough.
That's just enough.
- What did I do? You can't have a real conversation.
- You gotta be funny.
Idiot.
- It wasn't that funny! Hey, no, come on, look, I'm trying to be understanding here, okay? I'm not the one who said "idiot," all right? But I'm willing to overlook it because I understand.
You're the child of a broken home.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
Ally's kerchief tore.
Yeah.
Well, she needs another one to go with her cowgirl ensemble.
Okay, I'll get it.
Debra, wait.
What? I don't know.
I was just hoping that maybe you could have tried to come to terms with the situation - over the last couple of days.
- No, I'm fine, Mom, but thanks for the couple of days to come to terms with it.
I gotta get that kerchief.
Leave me alone! Come on! We said it before.
I'm the bad guy.
You said that.
I did not agree to that.
Well, there can't be two bad guys, okay? - That doesn't make sense.
- Look, I wanna be the bad guy, okay? I'm always a good guy.
I'm a cop.
It's monotonous.
Listen, I bought the mustache.
Yeah, well, it's my kid's party, okay? They all hate the good guy.
So you could use a little hate.
You know what? Aah! It's Rotten Raymond! He's so funny.
Yeah, he's a pip.
Listen, I was sorry to hear about you and Warren.
Thank you.
I've been there.
That's right.
What was your wife's name again? Joanne.
She was actually quite horrible.
Right, I remember.
Just so you know, it gets better as time passes.
You know? Thank you, Robert.
Actually, we're pretty okay with it now.
Yeah, so was Joanne.
She had a party.
- Oh? - At her old strip club.
All her friends were there Satin, Bubbles, Lick-Lick.
People make mistakes.
I would say she's the one that made the mistake.
Thank you.
Oh, listen.
- No, I was just trying to be consoling.
- Good luck to you.
- No, I didn't mean - Good luck to you! I'm sorry.
He really is crazy.
Damn it! Stupid damn friggin' thing.
Debra.
Your mom said you were up here.
Hi, Dad.
I can't find a kerchief.
What are you doing here? Well, the invitation said "Round 'em up birthday party.
" It promised a "rootin' tootin' time.
" I'm so sorry, Dad.
Yeah, me, too.
Sorry she's doing this to you.
- What do you mean? - I know how she is.
Here, sit down.
This is not your mother's fault.
- Don't you defend her.
- Listen to me.
We have both been unhappy - for some time now.
You know that.
- All right, but you're the one who at least tries to make an effort, like wanting to go to that marriage counseling.
Can I tell you something? I never really wanted to go to New Jersey.
You want to know why I picked that place? Because I was looking forward to how much your Mother would hate it.
Well, she loved it, and I was the one bored out of my freakin' skull.
Those workshops "Polishing your soul mate's soul.
" So You really mustn't blame your mother, honey.
I'm the one who actually said it was over.
I don't believe it.
- It's true.
- And what did she say? Well, she knew.
We both knew.
Don't cry, honey.
I can't help it.
I mean, why the hell do you take vows if they don't mean anything? We meant it then.
We meant it when you were kids.
But when your sister and then you went off to college, it kept getting harder.
Well, what about all the kissing, the traveling together and the Pookums 1 and 2 license plates? What was that? I know.
I know.
I guess, by the end, most of that was just a show.
And we had enough.
We both had enough.
It's not like Ray's parents.
What? They seem to have the secret.
What? They know how to do it.
It's not a facade for them.
But they're maniacs.
Yes, but they're honest with each other.
Everything's out in the open with them.
"Eggs, Marie, and hold the chatter.
" I love that.
I'll tell you, they're the ones who oughta be giving the seminar.
Howdy.
Would you take that off, please? Yes, Ma'am.
Feeling any better? I guess.
Sorry about your parents.
I know.
But you know that's not us.
'Cause I I think we kinda get everything out in the open.
Tighter.
Tighter.
You want me to put on the mustache?