In Living Color (1990) s05e23 Episode Script

- [Laughing.]
- In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me, it's a'ight to be - Hi-yah! In living color And how would ya.
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How would ya.
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How would ya f.
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How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat [Echoing.]
And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - [Turntable Scratching.]
- In living color [Laughing.]
[Chattering, Indistinct.]
Ladies, thank you for giving up your lunch hour.
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to attend this seminar on sexual harassment in the workplace.
Now please join me in welcoming the head.
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of the, uh, School of Self-defense in Hollywood.
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Mr.
Sweet Tooth Jones.
[Record Player: Funk.]
[Singing.]
[Ends.]
Now, normally, I don't work for the man.
But word on the street is that some cats been jivin' y'all at the file cabinet.
They up to no damn good.
- Actually, Mr.
Tooth.
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- That's Sweet Tooth, sister.
- Right on.
- Stay loose, kittens.
Lay your number on me, sister.
What's the scene? Okay, so, I'm at the filing cabinet, right? - Oh, I dig.
- L-I'm bending over to get a file and someone grabbed my rear.
- I mean they just, like, grabbed it.
- I heard that.
Well, I'm lookin' at your booty now, uh, Snow White, look at that.
Round as Pam Grier's in Coffy.
Did you see Coffy? Sheba, Baby.
Cleopatra Jones.
Say what, baby? Well, wait a minute.
What do I do next time it happens? 'Cause I really don't like it that much.
Let me tell you somethin'.
If you're too uptight to groove.
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and the dude won't get off your tail.
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Check this.
Step up.
Let's do this.
Come on.
Demo time.
You got to arch that.
Arch that.
- There you go, Queen Bee.
[Shouts.]
- Say, mama.
Why don't we go on back to my office and you can take some dictation? Up yours, jive turkey.
[Shouts.]
[Chuckles.]
- Any questions? - Excuse me, Mr.
Sweet Tooth.
Why did you attack the girl? Do unto others, before you get your butt whipped.
- [Shouts.]
- Excuse me.
What are you talking about? What am I talkin' about? I'm talking about straight, "unadultered" kung fu, baby.
Somethin' you probably don't know nothin' about.
Now, don't get me wrong.
Oh! [Shouts.]
[Vocalizing.]
Let's go.
Scenario número "B.
" Let's go.
[Shouts.]
I dig your groovy boots, white mama.
How'd you like to climb up my corporate ladder.
Back off, jive turkey.
[Screams.]
- [Woman.]
Excuse me.
- You got any questions? You've just beaten this woman up twice.
What lesson are we learning? My visually vicious, yet totally painless attacks on this woman.
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are but a metaphor for life.
You got to watch your back.
Totally painless? You know nothing about karate.
Hey! And I never said I did.
- I'm a fight choreographer out of Hollywood.
- That's right, you are.
And I know Townsend and them.
But I can really thrown down.
You wanna see? Huh, you want some of this, mama? Come on.
Huh? - [Grunts.]
- Tamara Dobson was Cleopatra Jones.
What the hell? Hey, hey, hey.
Damn.
Damn, Red! Man, get off me and start the music, man.
[Funk.]
[Singing.]
See what I'm sayin'? - You wanna go get some lunch, man? - Come on, man.
Let's go get some lunch, man.
Do the rock.
Robot.
Good foot.
[Hip-hop.]
[Turntable Scratching.]
[Continues.]
[Turntable Scratching.]
[Ends.]
You think you're tough, don't you, Ken, huh? Well, here's your wake-up call.
Excuse me.
Uh, hi.
Are you the guidance counselor? - Have a seat.
- Okay, thanks.
- Name's Ed Bacon.
What's your name, son? - Uh, John.
John.
- John? - Yeah.
Let me just get out theJohn file.
- Yeah.
- John.
- Yeah, John Sa.
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- John.
John.
John with no "H.
" What do you know? There's 200 freakin' Johns in this school.
Hey, maybe you're one of the lucky ones.
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whose dad actually stuck around long enough to give him a last name.
It's Sanders! John Sanders! John Sanders! S-A-N-D-E-R-S.
John Sanders with an "S" at both ends.
Sanders.
Uh, "J" Sanders.
Here we are.
It's comin' right up here.
Take-Take your time.
You seem tense.
- I'm just fine.
- Okay.
- John.
- All righty.
Now, John.
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according to this, you've been spending a lot of time in art class there.
Yeah, I'm, uh.
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I'm hoping to be a painter.
- Interesting.
- Yeah.
- What about the Marines, son? - The Marines? I'm just suggesting that because you seem a little poofy to me.
A little sweet in the pants, you know what I mean? Yup, I'd definitely say the Marines are for you, John.
Make you tough.
Take a shot at me.
Come on! It'll be good for you, John.
It'll be real good for you.
All right, Mr.
Bacon, you can spit on my dreams if you want to.
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but, uh, I'm gonna show you and everybody.
Uh, someday I'm gonna.
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I'm gonna be a painter.
Well, then.
By all means, paint.
Just paint your sissy little heart out.
Hell, I've just been doing this for 15 years.
What do I know, huh? - I'm an idiot, right? - I didn't.
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Get outta my sight.
Get out! And don't call me from the homeless shelter either! Everything all right? Uh, what's with John? I guess he just had a little bite from the big reality sandwich.
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and he started to choke on it.
- Who are you? - Uh, Donita Clark.
You sent for me.
Right.
Donita.
I've been looking over your file.
I see you've been studying ballet lessons for 14 years.
That's right.
I'm gonna be a ballet dancer.
I'm gonna spend the summer in London studying at the Royal Academy.
[Laughing.]
[Continues Laughing.]
Big mistake.
Have a seat, Donita.
I've taken a personal interest in your career.
Now, why would you want to go all the way to London.
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when you could pursue your dream.
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- right here in the States? - How? As a stripper.
There's good money in strippin'.
I don't care.
I'm gonna be a ballet dancer.
Wake up, Donita! You're not very pretty and you're not very smart.
So you can thank your lucky stars that God gave you such a great rack.
It's your choice, Donita, strip or starve.
Mr.
Baker! Now, now, Donita.
I know this seems harsh.
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but I'm tellin' you now.
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because in 10 years, those knockers of yours.
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are gonna be down around your ankles.
That's what happens with big ones like yours.
It's a little law called gravity, Donita.
Now, here's what I want you to do.
Drop out of school immediately.
Go see my friend Kenny at theJug Shack.
The address are on those matches.
[Sobbing.]
Yep, I can still make a difference.
Well, well, well, if it isn't Marlon Kane.
You know, they used to say you couldn't score below 400 on the S.
A.
T.
It's an honor to meet the man who proved 'em wrong.
Nice to meet you, Mr.
Bacon.
He speaks! Well, Marlon.
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it seems that even a cud-chewing cretin like yourself is entitled to work.
So, why don't we pull out the old career skills manual.
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and see what magnificent opportunities await somebody.
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with your special needs.
Now, let's see.
Ah, here's one.
Neck wringer at the slaughterhouse.
No, you'd have to be smarter than the chickens to catch them.
[Chuckles.]
Garbage man.
That's like puttin' a kid in the candy store.
Here we go.
No skills, no brains required.
And that would leave only one profession.
It would, uh, be.
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What does it say? - Guidance counselor.
- What? I can't hear you.
Guidance counselor.
Guidance counselor! Thanks for your advice, Mr.
Bacon, but I think I'll hold out.
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and do somethin' better, all right? Did anybody say $350? Come on.
For this super hunk over here.
Come on.
Goin' once.
Goin' twice.
Come on, now.
Sold to the lady in the front row for $300.
All right.
Go and get him.
Come on, now.
They've got jungle fever.
All right, all right.
Next we have a celebrity hunk.
You want me to bring him out? - Yeah! - I can't hear y'all.
Yeah.
! Okay, let's welcome Mr.
Luther Vandross.
[Cheering.]
[No Audible Dialogue.]
All right.
Hey, man, thanks for coming by the station today, okay? - Hey, it's all right.
- You are my man.
You wanna give these lovely ladies a little preview.
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- of what a date would be like with you? - Oh, let me run it by you.
First we'll, uh, sail out on my private yacht.
Yeah.
All alone, under the stars.
'Cause, uh, everybody knows.
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[Singing.]
There it is.
Any love? You hear me? Let's get the bidding started at $300.
What do you say? - I'll give you $300 for him.
- $300 right here.
- $400.
- $400 right there.
- 450.
- 450, right up front.
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[Woman.]
$500, whoo-hoo.
! $500.
I heard $500, but honey, you got to show your face.
It ain't gonna be all that.
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- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Watch yourself, Luther.
- Hey.
- Good Lord! - Great googley moogley! Who in the hell shaved that wombat? You better chill out, Erkel.
I ain't with that stuff.
Wait, superstar, come he.
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Come here.
I been fantasizin' about you and kissin' your picture and stuff.
You look like you been kissin' a weed whacker.
Whew! What's wrong with you? He's so crazy and he is.
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He's sexy too and crazy.
I can't wait to take you on our dream date.
I'm gonna take you to Meaty, Meaty Burger and we gonna get some cheeseburgers and stuff.
Then we gonna go home and then pick the cheese outta our teeth and stuff.
And then we gonna creep, creep, creep, creep.
Why don't you creep your butt back to the swamp? Why don't you mind your business with them big-ass glasses? Okay, we're at $500.
Who's gonna top that for a date with Luther? - Come on.
500.
Come on.
- 550.
- 550, right there.
- 575.
- There it is.
- Uh, anyway, uh, $700, please.
- $700.
- Uh, just keep sayin' to yourself this is a charity event, okay? - Okay, but where does she get the money? - A gorilla contest? I don't know.
Look, don't worry about where I gets my money.
I gets my money.
That's all you got to worry about.
Plus you know, you know, my house was kinda, uh.
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deconstructed in the earthquake and stuff, you know.
Yeah, it looks like the San Andreas Fault was right across your damn face.
It's registerin' a 6.
6 on the ugly scale.
Aw, so y'all got jokes and stuff, huh? Well, I tell you what.
Ain't nobody gonna outbid Wanda Wayne.
That's all you need to know.
Uh, look, which one of y'all ladies are gonna rescue.
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I mean, which one of y'all are gonna bid for Luther? Come on, man.
We're talkin' about a real catch here.
It says here that, uh, he's active in all kinds of charitable organizations.
See, that's good, 'cause that's a turn-on, see, 'cause I like that.
See, I like a man like that.
He needs to donate his manhood to the Wanda Foundation.
Hey.
No, no.
Wait, wait.
See, I don't know where you get your information from.
- It's right here.
- Uh, no, no.
It's all wrong.
I hate charities.
I don't like 'em.
I'm selfish.
Well, see, that's good.
You selfish, that means you keep me all to yourself.
I don't like sharin'.
No, no, no.
See, you don't understand.
See, I'm no good.
I'm low-down.
I'm known to be low-down.
I'm scum.
Shoot.
I don't know what you talkin' about.
I done dated all kind.
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I dated prisoners.
Don't you know Shank and Rampage? Okay, look, the bidding starts at 700.
- Who can put that down? Come on, now.
- Look, I'll bid $750.
- $750.
- Sold.
Hey, that ain't fair.
You better.
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Light skin, you better get on.
$900.
- $1000.
- $1000, child.
Uh-uh.
$1,036.
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Hold on a second.
Oops.
I almost showed you somethin'.
$37 dollars, uh, and I got some pesos.
You know, work is good south of the border.
Hey! Oh, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
That's that.
That's enough of that.
I'll bid $5,000.
Good, 'cause I need some money.
- Who do I make the check out to? - Uh, Luther, I don't think that you can do that, man.
No, let him make the check.
I'm ready to go.
Uh, Luther, man, I'm really insulted.
This is a charity event.
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- I don't want you insulted.
- I don't mean to dis you, you know what I mean? You know that purple Mercedes outside? - Right.
It's actually plum colored.
- Keys, right there.
For you.
- Don't play with me.
- Let's get on outta here.
Come on.
- That's my donation.
- Uh, ladies, you can pick your coats up front.
Well, get on outta here then.
Girl, who you lookin' at? You better get your hair fixed next time.
'Cause I don't need no man.
I can make it on my own and stuff.
You know, it ain't like I need somebody.
[Sniffling.]
So does this mean, uh.
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that you gonna rock my world? No, that's just a rose.
Thank you anyway though, you know.
It's all good.
And now from Detroit, DefJam/Chaos recording artists.
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performing "Progress of Elimination.
" Give it up for Boss.
We got the roughest, toughest chi you ever seen, yo.
Roughest chi you ever seen, yo.
- Yo, yo, yo.
What's up? How y'all feel? - [Hip-hop.]
Check it, check it, check it out.
Check it, check it.
[Rapping.]
[Continues.]
[Continues.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]