M*A*S*H (MASH) s05e23 Episode Script

We need blood, damn it.
Lots of it and then some.
I had to get rid of every drop we had in stock.
You heard right, Captain.
Couple of boys we treated turned up later with hepatitis.
And you don't catch that sitting in a draft.
If you can't do anything, put me on to someone who can someone with a little authority, Captain! Who's this? Sergeant Frankle? Peachy.
Sergeant, I've told everyone else.
I'll tell you.
The 4077 th is out of blood.
We're squeezing turnips here.
All my personnel have donated at least twice.
Dracula couldn't find a quick snack around these parts.
You're either gonna have to get us some blood or call off the war.
- We're doling it out by the corpuscle now.
- Hold on, Pierce.
- I'll wait, Sgt.
- I just gave that Turkish captain another ten units bringing his grand total up to 30.
- That's a complete oil change in 24 hours.
- I'm trying to order some.
- Tie up your horses.
- I am.
We might need 'em as donors.
Yes, Sergeant.
What? Which flunky am I talking to now? Oh, excuse me, Colonel, but I've been getting the royal runaround.
I appreciate you boys are low down there, but this is an emergency.
I'm not asking.
I'm begging.
And I'm threatening! If there aren't the boys and I are gonna come down there and alter the pants on all your dress uniforms.
You gotta reason with these guys.
Hello? - Good job, Pierce.
He hung up.
- Did he leave his inseam? - Good job, Pierce.
He hung up.
- Did he leave his inseam? [Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel.
Incoming wounded.
- Triage team report to the evac bus.
- That's not what I ordered.
I.
V.
For him.
He's in shock.
Get him right into pre-op.
- Just once I'd like to see a few empty seats.
- Or an empty bus.
- Take it easy, fella! Come on.
Take it easy.
- Let me help you there, Doc.
- I could use a wrestler, but you'll do fine.
- Nessen, take it easy.
It's me, Moody.
Doc here is gonna help you, okay? - Where'd you come down from? - Munsan.
About 20 miles north.
- It was a town until last night.
- I'd hate to be the guy who makes the maps here.
You know it.
Haven't you been a guest in this hotel before? Six months ago.
Yeah, I remember.
You offered to stuff me in my duffel bag.
[Chuckles.]
Jerris Moody.
How you been, Captain Pierce? Okay.
Litter! Start a whole blood I.
V.
- This one can wait.
- Great.
- Give me a hand with this one.
- I thought you'd be proudly serving in the stockade by now.
First impressions can fool you.
Mine was you hated everybody and everything.
Yeah, I guess I did, but lately I haven't had time to do anything except keep myself and my buddies alive.
- You're a different guy, huh? - Yeah, I'm a regular Florence Nightingale.
For Pete's sake, why are you just standing around? Can't we get moving here? Sure, Nurse.
Would you help us move this guy into pre-op? - Nurse! You're talking to a major.
- Oh, sorry.
- Would you help us move this guy into pre-op, Major? - Litter! [Pierce.]
This kid's back is covered with shrapnel.
I feel like a prospector.
- Pierce, do you always have to talk while you work? - You're right, Frank.
Nurse, from now on I'll blink my left eye for a clamp, my right eye for a sponge and when I wiggle my ears, that means meet me under a jeep in half an hour.
Yuck, yuck, yuckety, yuck.
- Quiet, Frank.
We're working.
- Quiet, all of you! I've got a bullet near the heart.
I don't need all this hubbub.
Shh! [B.
J.
.]
Get him to post-op.
penicillin every six hours.
That's the easy part.
Now I gotta tell him I removed his leg.
Start it off with, "Son, you're alive.
" [B.
J.
.]
Well, break's over.
[Potter.]
Orderly! Give me some more light there.
Tilt it up.
[Sighs.]
Clamp.
That's enough! That's enough! Gloves.
Nurse, there are pits in my orange juice! - Can we get a surgeon to remove those pits? - I'll do it.
Nurse, strainer! I've had it with you crumbs.
Eighteen hours of slaving over these wrecks.
I got better things to do with my time.
- Shut up, Burns! Clamp.
- What's the matter, Pierce? Cracking up, huh? Sponge.
I mean, clamp! Frank, as soon as I patch up this kid's arm, I'm gonna break one of yours.
- I got dibs on the other one.
- I'll pound all your bones into mulch.
I'll pound your mulch into brains.
All right, we've let off enough steam.
Let's holster our mouths.
Nurse, pull down my mask.
- Frank? - Hmm? Thank you.
Colonel, only ten units of whole blood left.
[Sighs.]
Thank God we're almost done.
You want me to call Seoul again? No, I'll take another shot at that idiot colonel.
It'll be the capper of a perfect day.
Hypo.
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to our show.
We have a two-bullet minimum and no flashbulbs, please.
- Colonel, any word from Seoul yet? - Yeah.
The word is "wait.
" You'd think those monkeys could spare a little blood.
Speaking of monkeys not giving blood, you haven't donated a drop, Frank.
Strategy.
One of us should always have a full tank.
- Why didn't I think of that? - 'Cause you're not an idiot.
It was the weirdest thing.
I was sitting in this foxhole.
It seemed like nothing was happening, so I was reading one of those Communist leaflets, the ones that say we're all fighting for Wall Street.
Personally, I refuse to read them.
And suddenly, I look and here's this Chinese G.
I.
standing over me.
How could you let him sneak up on you like that? He was my age, no older.
We just stared at each other.
I guess he was surprised as I was.
Probably the first time he'd seen an American close up.
- And then he shot you.
- No.
He got this scared look.
For a second, I thought he was gonna run away.
- And then what happened? - We both fired.
I got hit in the shoulder, and it knocked me flat on my back.
What happened to him? - The medic said I got him.
- Good for you.
I guess so.
Anything else I can get for you? I'd like to drop a line to Mom, tell her I'm okay.
Of course.
- Dear Mother - No.
- It's Mom.
She hates when you call her Mother.
- [Chuckles.]
Dear Mom.
- Hey, have you got a mirror? - Settle for a compact? - A what? - Just don't ask, "Who's the fairest of them all?" Oh, damn! Why they have to do that? - I've had a moustache all my life! - You were born with a moustache? Well, since I was 12.
They had to shave it to stitch up your face.
They should have left it alone, man.
What's the big deal? So you don't look like Gilbert Roland for a while.
Oh, you don't understand, man.
No moustache, I might as well be wearing a dress.
- Watch it, bub.
- All the real men in Puerto Rico have a moustache.
I think you look okay.
You got nice bushy eyebrows.
Oh, leave me alone, man.
And take your mirror with you.
I got nothing to look at.
Nice chatting with you.
We'll be able to ship you back to Tokyo.
You'll be more comfortable there.
Thanks.
That'll be terrific.
- You're gonna be all right.
- I thought I had it made.
Stay in the rear, clear out land mines.
"It's great, Herb.
No one shoots at ya.
"Just take your time.
"Snip the wires.
You got no problems.
" No problems.
- What happened? - [Sighs.]
We lay our mines out in a pattern so we know how to pick 'em up.
But we booby-trap a few, so the enemy won't sneak in and snip the wires.
I forgot about that.
Next thing I know I'm lying across the road.
My leg's kind of numb.
I say to myself, "Herb you got a problem.
" Colonel Potter! Colonel! Why the ruckus, Major? - Sir, this man's unconscious.
- I can see that.
- Well, he shouldn't be.
He's He's my patient.
- That's a good enough reason.
- He's not wounded.
I can't find anything wrong with him.
- What are his signs? - He's shocky, rapid pulse, low pressure, diminished breathing.
- Strange.
- It's not my fault.
I did my job.
- Nurse! You're right.
The nurse is probably to blame.
- I'm not blaming anybody.
- I'm as conscientious as they come.
Put a cork on it, Burns.
Able, has this patient been unconscious since arrival? Yes, Doctor.
- Beats the wampum out of me.
- I think he's sick.
I never could sleep on my stomach.
Me neither.
I could sleep on anyone else's but mine.
- How bad is it? - Well, I wouldn't go horseback riding for a while.
- This is very embarrassing.
- Why? 'Cause when I go home, people are gonna be asking me where I got shot.
What am I gonna tell 'em? Just say, uh, "I got shot in Korea.
" What if they ask me where I got hit? Look them right in the eye and say without blinking, "I got hit in the butt.
" And if they keep bugging you, drop your pants and show them your scar.
Don't make me laugh.
Whitney, we're talking about your body.
It's been invaded by a bullet.
- There's nothing amusing about that.
- Don't I know it.
On the other hand, you should be proud.
You have a very special wound.
It's symbolic of this entire war.
This whole thing has been one gigantic pain in the butt.
And when they hand you your Purple Heart, you can tell them exactly where to pin it.
Thanks, Doc.
You're welcome.
Why am I always handed the trouble patients? - Kellye.
I wanna see his latest X rays.
- Yes, Colonel.
- We have an emergency.
- Ask someone else! He's handling my patient first.
The Turkish captain needs a transfusion.
His blood refuses to clot.
- Let me see him.
- That's all right.
You can go.
- Thank you.
- We don't have the blood to do the job.
Tell me something I don't know.
He needs a refill, quick.
- Even if we get donors, it'll be too late.
- Get him to pre-op.
- We'll remove his spleen.
That may start some clotting.
- Right away.
- Hawkeye, get on the horn to that colonel in Seoul.
- What'll I tell him? Tell him I need 100 pints of blood, and I'm gonna come down there and take it all from him.
Come on.
What happened? Confide in your trainer.
I went into Rosie's Bar last night.
There were some rear echelon guys in there who wanted to know if I could tap dance.
Ah.
Dale Carnegie graduates.
Yeah.
Well, I showed 'em a few steps, all right.
I did a buck-and-wing on their chests.
I've always loved "the dance.
" Boy, those guys really surprised me with their garbage.
I went off like a firecracker.
I can understand that.
Boy.
When I was up in the front, my boys needed me.
They always used to scream for old Moody to come and get 'em.
I had the guts to go up there and drag 'em back to the aid station.
And you come back here, and a couple of jerks call you names.
When I was a kid, I was fighting all the time when somebody put me down 'cause I believed 'em.
Those guys surprised me last night.
But they're not gonna get me next time 'cause I got something that guys like that will never have self-respect.
There's not one valid reason I can think of why that soldier should be unconscious.
I gave him the once-over twice.
- If you couldn't find it - If I couldn't find it, it means my brains are clogged.
They discovered that boy in a sleeping bag, dead to the world or almost anyway.
Doesn't make any sense at all.
- Unless he had company in there.
- Colonel, please.
I don't mean human company.
Four-oh silk.
I mean, maybe a snake.
Those little poison ropes are all over these hills.
- A good dose of venom would turn anybody's lights dim.
- For heaven's sake.
- Kellye.
- Yes, Colonel? Did any of those boys come off the meat wagon in their bare feet? - A couple of them did, sir.
- Tell Pierce to check that patient for snake bite.
Especially the feet and ankles.
If he finds a bite, give him some antivenin, pronto.
- Brilliant, Colonel.
- If I'm so damn brilliant how is it I just put a stitch in my glove? So what if I recover? They'll send me right out there to do it again.
[Frank.]
Those are the breaks, fella.
Lucky for me, I'm going home soon.
Back to Indiana, the good life.
[Chuckles.]
- Lord knows I deserve it.
- Major, I don't wanna hear about home.
I've been out here almost since the beginning.
- I haven't seen my wife in all that time.
- That's tough.
She's changed too.
I'm only getting cookies a couple of times a month.
That's why I'm positive she's been fooling around.
Sort of a floozy, huh? Watch it, pal.
You're talking about the woman I love.
I hired a private dick to follow her.
Trailed her everywhere P.
T.
A.
Meetings, church functions.
And he came up with nothing.
[Chuckles.]
Then I added it all up.
He was one of her caballeros too.
So I hired another cop to follow him.
And the second guy wanted expenses.
They get paid by the day, you know.
Major, I'm very tired.
Ha! I'd have had enough money for ten detectives if my disease had come through.
- What's that, Major? - I didn't tell you about my disease, did I? No, you didn't.
But never mind.
It's okay.
A kid came through here with an unidentified rash.
I spotted it first.
I called it "Burn's Blight.
" Catchiest name since diarrhea.
I was all set to make the lecture circuit and pick up my big fat research grant.
- And, uh - Well, what happened? He got well, the ungrateful simp.
That's enough about me.
Now what about you, hmm? Uh, you don't wanna hear about it, Major.
Of course I do.
We have orders to be compassionate.
I don't wanna fight anymore.
I've seen enough death, and I wanna go home.
Why don't you save that for the chaplain, chicken? There's no law that says I have to sit here and listen to you bleeding hearts.
It's very common, son.
You ran across a snake with a foot fetish.
It's a good thing he wasn't a neck man, or you might have died from a terminal hickey.
What do you say after work we choose up sides for a football game? - Nurses' shower's the end zone? - Good.
I'm playing end.
Uh-uh.
Last time you went out for a pass, I didn't see you again till the fourth quarter.
Sergeant Raymond McGill, it's my duty to inform you that you're doing beautifully.
- Spare me the good news, Doc.
- What's the matter with you? They're gonna send me stateside 'cause of this stupid wound.
That's the way it usually works.
I can't go home.
I have a family to support.
- You got a Korean family? - No, no, in the States.
Once more, with clarity.
Doc, I'm making a fortune over here in Korea.
- You got the Band-Aid concession? - I got some enterprises going.
Like selling booze, you know.
A fifth costs me a buck and a quarter in Tokyo.
Some friends fly it to me here, and I let it go for 12 bucks a crack.
- Fifty up at the line.
- Right neighborly of ya.
That's nothing.
I also have the only Polaroid camera in this whole sector.
All the guys want shots, so I put 'em on film for two bucks a piece.
Heaven help the economy when you go.
Maybe I don't have to go, Doc.
Put a few good marks on that chart, you'll be swimming in whiskey.
- I didn't bring my trunks.
- I'll let you borrow the camera.
You can take so many pictures of yourself, your wife will think you're back home.
- Sorry, McGill.
- Come on, Doc.
Please! How am I gonna make any money in Jersey City? They say America is the land of opportunity.
Sending me home, huh? I heard you doctors had no hearts.
- Very chic, Klinger.
- I just threw it on.
Hey, Robelo.
Stay away from me, man.
I look at you, and I get nightmares.
- I solved your problem.
- What are you talking about? An unofficial, government-issued, one each moustache.
That ain't funny.
Try it on.
I used my own hair.
Hundred percent Lebanese.
It'll probably keep growing.
- How does it look? - It's you.
Hey! Hey, that's not bad.
Vaya, man.
It's even thicker than my real one.
Gracias, huh? Anytime.
Give me a couple of weeks and I can make you one with handlebars.
Hey, you're okay, man.
I know, but don't spread it around.
- Nurse? - Hmm? You have any idea how beautiful you are? [Chuckles.]
Have you any idea how many times I've heard that line? - No, I'm not kidding.
On a scale of one to ten - I know.
- I'm a nine.
- Would you like to try for ten? - Over your dead body? - I'm in better shape than I look.
- Aren't we all? - Listen.
- What time do you get off? - What did you have in mind? Well, I thought maybe when you get through with your shift, we can do something.
- Like go dancing? - No, that's how I hurt my foot.
I thought maybe we can talk about all the great times we had together We haven't had any.
Well, we can talk about them tomorrow night.
What are you doin' for dinner? I'm meeting one of my nurses.
The guy in the next cot's in a coma.
Maybe we can double-date.
- That sounds exciting.
- Listen.
You live alone? I happen to have a fiance in Tokyo.
So what? I happen to have a wife in Philadelphia.
Donald is a lieutenant colonel.
Sharon's a C.
P.
A.
Don't you think we owe them a little consideration? You're right.
We're overdoing it.
I happen to take my engagement very seriously.
Well, you should.
What do you think engagements are for? It's a test period.
You're supposed to make comparisons.
- I've done enough comparing.
- You have? Tell me about 'em.
The only conversation I'm having with you is medical.
Okay, fine.
Pull the screen around my bed and give me a complete physical.
- You guys are all alike.
- No, no, no.
I'm really in love with you.
I wanna spend the rest of my life with you starting tonight.
What do you say? I say good-bye.
[Sighs.]
Nurse, do you happen to have any idea how beautiful you are? Do you have any idea how many times I've heard that line? Testing, testing.
Sorry.
Attention, everyone.
This is Colonel Potter.
I know it hasn't been 48 hours, but I'm gonna ask you for more blood.
We're as dry as a hump-less camel in the sunshine.
Anyone giving a pint will be excused from attending my hygiene lectures for the next month.
Please report to the Mess Tent.
And don't knock anybody down running to volunteer.
Toodle-oo.
That'll last us for about 12 hours.
- [B.
J.
.]
Coming through.
Eager volunteer here.
- It's my blood! It has rights! - We're doing it a favor.
We're taking it away from you.
- It'll only hurt a lot.
- Next.
- No! - When you sit in Santa's lap, don't spit in his beard.
- I won't go! - They give balloons.
- Aha.
Major Burns at the front of the line.
- Good for you.
- Of course! - These two bozos tried to butt in ahead of me.
- He's our leader.
- An inspiration to us all.
- Darn right.
- [Hawkeye.]
What's this? - [B.
J.
.]
I think it's a truck.
I'm Sergeant Attias of the Turkish brigade.
- We understand the 4077 th MASH needs blood.
- In big red letters.
My men and I want to contribute for saving the life of our captain.
Your table is ready.
Our special tonight is tomato juice.
[Shouts In Turkish.]
Thank you very much.
It's our pleasure.
It's a small thing to do for such brave people.
- You're not touching me, you vampire! Leave me alone! - This won't hurt at all.
- What's wrong with him? - He's one of our brave people.
Right now he wants his mommy.
- Right this way.
- Uh, yes.
- Uh, after you.
- Oh, no, no, no.
After you.
- No, by your pleasure.
- No, no, no, you have the blood.
- Thank you very much.
- [Both.]
Thank you very much.
How you feeling tonight, son? A lot better than I was.
You're very lucky.
All you got was a concussion from that grenade.
Could have cracked your coconut.
Where's your home, son? If I remember right, I'm from Chicago.
Boy, do I know that town.
I was a bachelor stationed at Camp Grant for two years.
- Used to hit Chicago like a tornado.
- I'm from the Near North Side.
Then you'll get a kick out of this.
The Dewdrop Inn.
It's a tavern at the southeast corner of Broadway and Lawrence.
- There's a bank there.
- A bank? When did they put that up? Around 1900, sir.
Well, I used to drink a lot in those days.
Used to hop off the "I" at Diversey and catch the White Sox at Comiskey Park.
Colonel, I think that's the Cubs at Wrigley Field.
Baseball's a wonderful game no matter who's playing.
Hmm, sure is.
My favorite tavern was The Shamrock at the corner of State and Dearborn.
- Sir? - Yeah? - State and Dearborn never meet.
- They don't? No, sir.
They run parallel to each other.
- Listen.
Ever been to Detroit? - No, Colonel.
Good.
We'll talk about Detroit tomorrow.
Meanwhile, rest.
Remember, you've had a concussion.