Alfred Hitchcock Presents s05e24 Episode Script

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm making credit cards.
As you can see, this credit card is cleverly patterned after the L5 note.
In this way we do away with such troublesome features as the monthly statement or the necessity for solvency.
Furthermore, these are good in any city in the country and in any business establishment.
Provided the cashier is near-sighted.
And now you may watch our play If your credit is good.
Can I come in? I'm Lois.
I just fell in your ocean.
I know you won't mind.
Oh, I don't mind I mean, it's not as though we couldn't find another ocean, if we had to.
Jimmy told me you'd loan me your blanket.
At least until we get to his place.
He's getting some things out of the car.
Jimmy? Jimmy Dolan, you mean? Mm-hmm.
I'm just getting started in the business.
We came from the studio together.
I see.
Well, you seem to have been pretty well laundered.
I'm cold.
Look, I own a blanket, but I think it's out on the line.
Just a minute.
There.
How's that? Thank you.
Stevie! Stevie, Stevie, listen, I gotta talk to ya.
Why? Why? So you can shine like a glow-worm instead of a schnook, that's why.
And maybe pick yourself up two, 300 bucks.
How much? You heard me, man.
Maybe I can't guarantee the three, but there's at least two bills in it for you if you want to wade through this.
Another publicity job for the studio? My biggest and best.
Well, no thanks.
I'm halfway through my book.
Oh, halfway through your miserable book.
Three-quarters through the soles of your one pair of shoes.
Jimmy.
This is the literary life? Thirty-five minutes from Hollywood with all the comforts of an abandoned mineshaft.
Jimmy? Look, Lilacs, go plant yourself someplace until you're ready to bloom again.
I'm talking with a man.
Can't you see that? Now look Not here.
My place, baby.
My place.
You know the way.
Don't ya, huh? Come on.
And don't brush your teeth with the vodka again.
Remember what I told you last time? That was real sweet, Jimmy.
It gets a fella here.
Come off it.
Sentiment's a waste of time.
Can you do something for her? What an awful question to ask me.
Stevie-boy, you're looking at a man who just spent four solid hours in the M.
P.
's private office.
In whose office? M.
P.
, the owner, the boss of the studio.
He listened to everything I had to say, and he said to me, M.
P.
did, he said, "Jimmy, this can be the biggest public relations deal "since the invention of the Easter Bunny.
" What can be? The Betsy Blake thing.
What do you think? Oh.
Well, you know what happened to her, don't you? Well, sure.
There hasn't been much else in the paper for the past week.
She got herself killed in a speedboat accident.
Just out beyond Catalina Harbor, wasn't it? That's right.
Her speedboat went head-on into another speedboat, killing Mr.
Louis Fryer, a fairly important citizen in Pasadena, and herself.
But the most important thing is this.
Until I had my talk with M.
P.
this afternoon, it looked like Betsy had also sunk a $6,000,000 Goliath production in living, breathing color, and Audacio, the newest dimension in sound.
You mean that picture, Splendor? That's right.
Well, it's all wrapped up.
No more retakes.
The sets have been struck, the whole thing's in a can.
Just two days before she goes out and gets herself killed.
Well, that's kinda tough on Betsy, I suppose, but how's it going to hurt the picture? I mean, you've had nothing but publicity for the past week.
It could help the picture.
Help it just great if we were going into distribution today or tomorrow.
But the important thing is that we're all set for late autumn release, around Thanksgiving, to catch the holiday trade and make a bid for the awards.
Well, that's three months away.
By that time all the excitement's over.
The public interest is gonna be as dead as Betsy Blake.
By November you can change the title to Asleep In The Deep.
She was a real dish in her day.
I'll tell you that.
What makes you think they'll forget her so soon? Are you kidding? I was raised in this business, Stevie-boy.
It's in my blood.
I've got what M.
P.
calls "box-office instinct.
" I can't help it.
Lights go on and off inside of me.
You know what I mean? Oh, save it, please.
Don't start talking like a Hollywood pioneer to me.
I happen to know you're just a fresh kid chasing a rapid dollar.
You're 23 years old.
How do you know? That time two summers ago, when the waiter wouldn't serve you a drink.
You had to show him your driver's license.
You were 21 at the time.
You think you're pretty smart, don't ya? Well, I can add 21 and two.
You think you're so smart that you have to sit here in this sun-kissed pig sty, waiting for some kid like me to bail you out of hock for a couple of hundred bucks.
You can go now, Jimmy, and take your money with you.
Nobody asked you to come down here.
Can't you take a joke? Look, Stevie-boy, why do you think I'm here, huh? Because you have to grind out 90 yards of copy about Betsy Blake and you haven't got the writing talent of a backward high school boy.
An equally important reason is that you don't want the people who pay you a big fat salary to find it out.
Well, looks like we understand each other, right? I wouldn't say that, but we understand a few things we mightn't have understood before.
But about Betsy Blake, her body wasn't recovered until this morning, was it? That's right.
She washed up on the shore.
The identification was positive? Well, sure.
Well Naturally, she couldn't have looked like Miss Palm Frond of 1943, but the authorities were satisfied.
That's what I told M.
P.
this afternoon.
I said, "That wraps it up.
That makes it official.
The mystery's gone.
" A month from now people won't remember whether it was Betsy Blake or Betty Boop that went for a ride in that speedboat.
They won't remember unless And that's when the inspiration hit me, Steve.
What inspiration? I pointed to a picture hanging on the wall in M.
P.
's office, and I said to him, "There's your solution, right there.
" And it was a picture of Mr.
Rudolph Valentino.
M.
P.
got the message.
Well, what's Valentino got to do with it? Death, man.
Death turned Rudolph Valentino into a legend.
That's what M.
P.
was able to understand.
Some smart people saw to it that Rudy had the most sensational funeral this country ever saw, up to, but not including, the burial of Miss Betsy Blake.
What was done for the screen's greatest lover certainly can be done for Madame Mystery.
Madame who? Madame Mystery, some name they pinned on her a few years back when she was Mysterious? Yeah, mysterious.
This thing that I'm about to create, Stevie-boy, is an ark that's gonna really be able to float.
We're gonna bury Betsy Blake like she was Mother Machree, Sweet Georgia Brown, Cleopatra, The Sweetheart of Sigma Chi, Salome, all wrapped up into one.
I'm going out, boy.
I'm going way, way out.
And it's gonna make me a big man in this town.
I can just see it.
Then we go into the spook department.
You'll hear it around for a little while, but then you'll see the first printed rumor.
"Is Betsy Blake Still Alive?" Now, how can you get away with that when she's being buried this week? That's the mystery angle, man.
You've got no imagination.
We know she's dead.
We know she's gone like an old dropped lemon pie, but you gotta realize she's been floating around in the water for a week, and she didn't look like You can skip the details.
I keep forgetting you're sensitive.
Meanwhile, I'm juggling a couple of other ideas for this campaign, The Real Betsy Blake and The Betsy Blake Nobody Knows.
What do you think of that? Depends.
I guess you can get a lot of mileage out of The Betsy Blake that Nobody Knows.
Did you know her? Are you kidding? I handled her publicity for years.
Oh, at your age? Look, will you lay off my age! Maybe Stalzbuck took the bows, as head of promotion, but it was me, Stevie, little Jimmy here, that was digging in there with that spade.
That's what M.
P.
was able to understand.
What do you think he gave me this big chance for, anyway? Now does that satisfy you? Look, it's no skin off my nose.
But incidentally, how old was Betsy Blake? Well, let's say she was no spring chicken, but she kept her feathers nice and smooth.
Seems to me she was around a pretty long time.
Look, Stevie-boy, I've got to have a prospectus in M.
P.
's hands by Monday morning.
I'm counting on you, pal, to help me with the fancy prose.
So he'll think you wrote it? Okay, I'll level with you.
That 200 bucks comes out of my pocket.
So what? So who cares? So it'll take you off the K-rations for a while and you can go back to your corny book with your stomach full.
No.
The answer is no.
You know how I feel about razzle-dazzle promotions of this kind.
Three hundred bucks on the table.
One, two, three.
Now, there could be a bonus in this for you, Stevie, as soon as the picture comes out.
You might even be able to get your plumbing fixed.
Now, what do you say? Last chance.
Tell me some more about Betsy Blake.
Well, look, I gotta be knocking off.
I'll leave the tools inside there for you.
You know it gets dark pretty early down here in November.
You don't get lonesome down here all by yourself, do you? Nah, it's one of those things.
Well, uh-oh, I forgot about Friday night.
That must be the genius.
I don't see no chorus line of broads down there.
You think he's sick? You'll have to ask him.
He's got a convertible out there as long as a hook and ladder.
Public Relations Manager for Goliath Pictures, huh? Well, Steve, tell me something, will ya? How does a young punk his age hold on to a job like that? You think he knows where some bodies are buried? You got me.
I'll let you know if I ever find out.
I'll see ya.
Alfredo, my good man, how are ya? What's with him? His daughter brought home Love Secrets From Beyond The Grave.
You're kidding? Hey, you know those phony fan clubs I organized eight weeks ago? That I remember.
Well, they ain't phony no more.
I got 50,000 love-sick volunteers gazing into their tea leaves and their Betsy Blake voodoo rings.
You think I'm kidding you? What about your conscience? My what? Oh, my conscience.
Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell ya, I swapped it to the Daughters of Salvation for a bass drum.
We open up nation-wide next week, Stevie-boy.
No sneak previews or test patterns for my sky-rocket.
Just solid bookings right across the nation.
You think M.
P.
doesn't know who wrapped this package up? I've got a contract in my pocket that he gave me this afternoon.
I don't wanna shock ya, pal.
But the salary figures read like the roundtrip mileage to the moon.
Congratulations.
Love Secrets From Beyond The Grave.
How do you like that? And Madame Mystery, no less.
And I Was Betsy Blake's Astrologist.
I'm telling you, it's killing me.
The best thing that washed-out, platinum-rinsed old pelican ever did in her life was to ram her speedboat into that jerk from Pasadena.
What was Mr Mr.
Fryer, of Pasadena, Jimmy.
Mr.
Louis Fryer was the gentleman's name.
I think the next episode should be the cutest one, don't you? The Return of Betsy Blake.
Do you have to stare at me like that? It's not possible.
You've got no right Sure, it was thoughtless of me.
I should have stayed dead.
Old bag comes stumbling back after 90 days, with her hair three different colors, and a poached-egg look in each eye.
Listen, I Don't say any more.
Just keep your mouth shut! You've got a kind face, dear.
Stupid but compassionate.
You got a little drink for little ol' Madame Mystery? There's some Don't apologize to Betsy, angel-boy.
I spotted it already.
This all you got? I'm afraid so.
I'm sorry to take all your vitamins, dear.
Remind me to get you a case some day.
That's much, much better.
I haven't had a drink in an hour and a half.
Well, Junior, maybe I can tell you what this is all about.
Actually, well, the newspapers didn't have anything right, except Louie Fryer's name and my own.
I had to laugh! Laugh someplace else.
Come on, let's get No, no, no, let her talk.
You weren't in a speedboat accident? Oh, sure! We hit, all right.
I went into Louie Fryer and his girlfriend like a torpedo.
"The Blonde Torpedo," they used to call me.
You remember that, Jim? Louie Fryer's girlfriend? What girlfriend? Well, like I was gonna tell you, see, there was this doll.
Some floozy that he must've picked up on the beach.
That was Louie Fryer for you, every time.
She was blonde, and so I supposed people figured her for me.
Especially after seven days in the water.
Go on.
This is gonna kill you, Junior.
There must've been a lot of cork in the stuff I drank that day because I just wasn't easy to sink.
A fishing trawler picked me up.
An old tub out of San Diego with a new coat of paint.
Must have looked a little bit like me, huh? Well, anyway, it was on its way to Seattle.
A Swede by the name of Eric fished me out of the channel.
He was sort of a blonde Humphrey Bogart with muscles.
He mixed his own booze in an oil drum.
We were the only ones on board.
Best three months I had in my whole life.
It's not possible.
It's just not possible! Well, you stick to your dreams, Junior, and I'll stick to mine.
It was a whole week before we saw the Seattle newspapers.
Eric brought a stack onboard and laughed and I thought we'd split the deck.
I shouldn't imitate Eric's accent, but when he said, "Where do we go from here?" I took one look at that Nordic rooster and said, "As far away from Goliath Studios as you can sail this tub!" So we took off.
For three months? Why not? First vacation I've ever had in my whole life.
Nobody around to say, "Betsy, watch the calories.
" "Betsy, lay off the grape.
" So what if I did gain weight? We'd have been gone three years if he hadn't run out of cash, and I plan to change that just as soon as I get to my safe deposit box.
But there's one thing, Junior.
You did a great publicity job! I especially enjoyed the accounts of my own funeral.
I like the magazine articles, too.
Love Secrets From Beyond The Grave.
Eric liked that one, too.
What's the matter? You don't look happy, Jim-precious.
Should I? Now? Come on, I need a drink more than you do.
Well, anybody's booze is better than no booze.
I'll see you later, Steve, there'll be something I wanna talk to you about.
You know what I mean? So? Looks like a course built for goats.
Not a goat as old as this one, huh? You had to ruin it, didn't ya? You had to come back and hog your way into the act? Well I had it made.
Do you hear me? I had it all wrapped up at Goliath.
I was man of the year, until you come in here looking like something from Halloween.
Thank you.
Tell me more.
I'll tell you more, but it won't be any news to you.
You had to come back and take your curtain call.
And take the shine off the only success I ever made on my own.
Well, that's Betsy for you.
Good ol' Betsy Blake.
Well, I worked like a pig in a pit to put this promotion on.
I went without rest for 90 days to turn an old crow like you into a bird of paradise.
And, whammy, right into the tin can the old crow comes stumbling home.
You are sweet, Jimmy.
Real sweet.
I should have remembered that.
Well, if you don't believe me, ask M.
P.
He told me this afternoon, that when they talk about legends, they're not gonna talk about Valentino or Jimmy Dean, they're gonna say it all started with Jimmy Dolan and Betsy Blake.
I turned your rotten picture into a guaranteed success.
That's who did it! Me! Me! I made your Took your nickelodeon talent and turned it into the kind of success that the public would buy Listen, you couldn't have gotten into Goliath Studios with a pistol and a crowbar, if it hadn't have been for me.
You had the brains of a moth and the personality of a cobra when I went to M.
P.
and told him he had to give you a job.
What do you want me to do for you I haven't done already? Hey, what's the matter with you? Where's Betsy? What makes you think that old dame was Betsy Blake? Come on.
Come off it.
How many drinks did you have? Suppose Suppose for the sake of an idea I had, suppose it wasn't her.
Look, I've been to the movies too many times.
Why, her voice, the way she talks Where is Betsy now? There was an accident.
It wasn't my fault.
She was hurt? Is she dead? Well, is she? Steve, you've got to help me.
Like I said, it wasn't my fault.
She had it coming to her.
Yeah, Jimmy? I don't mean that.
What I mean I mean, she was drunk.
Steve, you gotta help me.
She tripped and she fell.
Why did you kill her? Why? The greatest publicity job in the last 20 years, and she turns it into a farce! Do you know for certain that she's dead? She's dead, all right.
I tried to I tried to drag her away from my place, but I couldn't.
I heard people walking along the beach, and I got scared and I came here.
Steve, you gotta help me! Please! Sure, I'll help you.
You're such a real nice kid.
I'll call the cops and have them come and take the body away.
Steve, she's no good.
She's a drunk.
She's a lie.
She's no good.
I've got five grand home.
$5,000 that I got as a bonus from this campaign.
It's all yours, if you'll just help me! As far as anybody's concerned, Betsy Blake's been dead for three months! You could help me.
Help me move the body and put it in the trunk of my car.
Give me the police.
You'd kill your own mother to be a big man at Goliath Studios, wouldn't you? My mother? That's right, Stevie, but how did you know that's who she was? So much for our ode to mother love.
I must say, it was a pleasant change to meet Jimmy Dolan.
Here's a boy unsullied by any Oedipus complex, not tied by any silver cord, unfettered by any sentimental claptrap.
Just a healthy, happy, well-adjusted killer.
It's all very refreshing.
And now for those of you who are accustomed to enjoying television, here is something that is also refreshingly different.
After which, I'll be back.
By the way, I am no longer in the credit card business.
Someone was flooding the country with exact reproductions of our cards.
When I discovered the culprit was the government, I thought it best to bow out gracefully.
As for our story, I must say it was a pleasant change to meet Jimmy Dolan.
Here was a boy unsullied by any Oedipus complex, not tied by any silver cord, unfettered by any sentimental claptrap.
Just a healthy, happy, well-adjusted killer.
However, Jimmy subsequently had a bit of bad luck.
He met with an accident in his home, and died as a result of a fall.
He tripped over his grandmother while he was attempting to throw her down a flight of stairs.
Very sad.
Next time, I shall return with another story equally uplifting.
Until then, goodnight.