In Living Color (1990) s05e24 Episode Script

- [Laughing.]
- In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me, it's a'ight to be - Hi-yah! In living color And how would ya.
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How would ya.
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How would ya f.
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How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat [Echoing.]
And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color - You can do what you wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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- In living color - [Turntable Scratching.]
- In living color [Laughing.]
[Man Narrating.]
Well, howdy-doody, boys and girls.
And welcome to Candy Cane'sHappy Time Theater.
Now give a superty-duperty welcomefor your friend, Candy Cane.
Hello, boys and girls.
Today is a very sad day in Candyland.
The day when everything sweet turns bitter and acrid like the breath of a dying horse.
You see, the president of the network and his jealous bitch wife.
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have decided that this will be my last show.
[Cheering.]
You all shut up! You're traitors! You're traitors one and all! Candy, what they're doin' is wrong! Everyone's trying to take you away from me.
- [Sniffs.]
- Look, kids! It's Larry, the creepy stagehand.
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who would do anything for me, but is still too creepy for me to sleep with.
Don't you think, kids? It's okay, Larry.
Everything happens for a reason.
- Can I have a hug, Candy, please? - No, Larry.
Larry, remember the word of the day? - "Restraining order.
" - Oh, yeah.
So, Larry, you have to go back over there and stay 50 feet away from me at all times.
Okay.
[Sniffs, Whimpers.]
- Sit.
Heel.
- The more you hurt me, the more I love you, Candy.
[Barks.]
Now, kids, we're going to meet the nice lady who's pushing me out.
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and keeping me from ever seeing you again.
Please give a warm Candy Cane welcome to Caramel Corn.
[Laughing.]
Hi, boys and girls.
Whee! We're gonna have lots of fun learning about the world around us.
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and it's an adventure called life! - [Laughs.]
- Can it.
You got the job.
[Clears Throat.]
My, Candy seems a little grumpy-wumpy today.
- Say, what can we do to cheer her up? - [Laughing.]
Maybe if you walked in front of a bussy-wussy.
[Laughs.]
Okay.
Well, you know what? It's time to meet one of our friends! [Laughs.]
Oh, that's right, boys and girls.
[Jack-in-the-box Plays.]
[Both.]
Oh! [Singsong.]
Doy de doy.
Doy de doy.
Doy de doy, de doy.
Doy de doy.
Doy de doy.
Doy de doy, de doy.
Hidey, hidey, hidey, hidey-ho there, Candy.
Hi, Jack-in-the-Box.
[Chuckles.]
This is my last show, and I thought you'd like to meet my replacement, Caramel Corn.
Wow, Candy.
You're leavin'? That makes me sad.
[In Regular Voice.]
This ain't gonna affect my contract, is it? [Laughs.]
Not as long as you have that tape of Candy and the producer.
- [Both Laugh.]
- That's right! Hey, kids, can you all say, "Candy camps her can on a casting couch?" Ooh.
[Laughs.]
- I like you, Jack.
- And I like you, too, Miss Caramel Corn.
- [Shrieks.]
- Don't get your hopes up, sweetie.
You have turn a few cranks to get him to pop up.
Yeah.
Well, gee, Candy, you had so many G.
I.
Joes, Toms and Harrys in your toy box.
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the spring's just plumb worn out.
Hidey-ho.
Hey! Can you say "head wound," boys and girls? [Laughs.]
And guess what? I think it's time to meet our special friend, Benny the Dinosaur.
[Laughs.]
Damn! - Well, hello.
- [Giggling.]
Who's your friend, Candy? Why don't you introduce me? Fine.
Benny, this is Caramel.
Caramel, this is Benny.
[Grunts.]
I bet you're a real tasty treat, aren't you, Caramel Corn? - Hey, would you like to do the Benny dance? - Oh, I'd love to! Well, it's only gonna take two minutes, and then you get to go make him a sandwich.
[Both Laugh.]
- [Traditional.]
- Ooh, ooh, ooh You two-timing reptile, you're mine.
I still love you, Benny! I still love you! - Excuse me for a second, Caramel Corn.
- Uh-huh! Look.
What did I tell you about messin' with me, huh? - [Chuckles.]
- I'm tired of you sendin' me naked pictures of you.
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mailin' me your stanky, funky drawers, and followin' me around on my dates! Drivin' around in a pink Granada with the headlights on, like I don't know it's you.
Remember.
The restraining order will get you.
- Now, where were we, pretty lady? - Oh! I'm gonna like it here in Candyland.
Especially when you're gone! All your friends are so nice.
- [Laughing.]
- [Laughing.]
Wait! I almost forgot.
There's one very special friend you haven't met.
- Oh? - It's Stagehand Larry.
[Gasps.]
Hi, Candy.
! Larry, this is the girl that's trying to break us up.
Break us up? Oh, I can't have that.
- Bye-bye, Caramel! - [Screams.]
Why, why, why? Because we like you.
- Kids, it looks like this isn't Candy's last show after all.
- [Sniffing.]
You'll be with me forever and ever and ever and ever! Fifty feet, Larry! Restraining order.
See you next week, kids, at Candyland.
Let go of the stick, Duke.
Now, come on now.
Whoa, Duke.
There you go.
Sniff the stick.
You need to take it easy.
I know it's springtime, and you're lookin' for love.
But I'll tell you what.
You got to play it cool.
You understand? Play it cool.
[Thud.]
Don't worry.
We'll find you a lady.
Look at you.
How you doin'? I'll beJohn Brown.
You Grover's boy, ain't you? Well, I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.
I remember when I saw you at the 1942 World's Fair.
Boy, you should be about - You been smokin'? - No.
Yeah, sure you have.
You got a nice, right pretty dog there.
What kind of dog is that? Well, half Irish Setter, half.
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Hey, what's your dog doing? Well, son, you gotta test it before.
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Well, I mean, uh.
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Well, actually, let me tell you a little story about the birds and bees.
Your dog's stiff and stuff! Well, can you blame him, son? You're a sick, sick man.
Land o'Goshen.
Duke, you're hornier than a hookworm in the desert.
Come to me now.
Jump to me, Duke.
Jump to me.
You don't hear me, do you? Jump to me, Duke.
I'll beJohn Brown.
Come on up here.
Son, I know you're lookin' for love.
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but you gotta put a raincoat on and protect yourself, you understand? Well, I'll beJohn Brown if you ain't Burt and Ernie's boy.
Ernie? Oh, my father's name is Ernie but you know.
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I remember when you was four years old.
Your sister hit you in the head with a tire iron.
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bust your head wide open, rock candy come spillin' out your head.
Look like Now and Laters had spilled all over the floor, but you look good now.
You look real good.
Your head has mended back and everything.
That sure is a pretty dog.
[Sighs.]
What kind of dog is that? What kind of dog is he? What kind of dog is he? Uh, it's a very small one that doesn't seem to like your dog.
His name is Butch.
Butch? I'll beJohn Brown.
You tryin' to turn Duke out.
You better leave on away from here.
Tryin' to be a freak.
You better get on.
- Your dog is.
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- And what if.
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No, no he ain't.
He ain't no AC/DC like you now.
[Barks.]
[Barks.]
Don't worry about it, Duke.
It happened to me before.
- They tried to trick me down there.
- [Thud.]
Come on.
Oh! There you go.
There you go.
Come on down from there.
You ain't gonna catch that dang squirrel.
- There you go.
There you go.
- Calm down.
Calm down, Duke.
Calm down.
I'll be Harriet Tubman! You Mookie Wilson's uncle, ain't you? Well, I don't know ma'am, but if you say I am.
I remember the day your daddy took you fishin'.
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and you got your head caught up in the motorboat.
Oh, oh, that water turned a bright red, and the fish were so happy.
It looked like you got a nice replacement head though.
It looks just nice.
Look here.
Is your dog seein' anybody right now? No, she's not.
And, uh, look, she's in heat too.
Oh, that's good.
Come on, now, Duke.
Let's go running like a "tea" in a "flick" factory.
[Man Rapping.]
[Ends.]
[Man.]
Welcome to the Family Dozens.
All the way fromthe Black Hills of Tennessee.
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let's welcome the Trailer family.
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Clem, Elmer and Dixie.
Come on down.
! Meet theJenkins family, T-Dog, Malcolmand Grandma, ready for action.
And now, your host ofthe Family Dozens.
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Stu Dunfey.
! Oh, my goodness.
Thank you so much.
Hello and welcome to the Family Dozens.
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where talking lip can make you grip.
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and you'll take home the dough if your grandma's a ho.
[Chuckles.]
All righty, gentlemen, it's time to play the feud.
Okay.
We surveyed 100 people.
Top three answers on the board.
Here's the question.
[Giggles.]
- "Mama's so stupid.
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" - [Beeps.]
Your mama's so stupid, she took toilet paper to a crap game.
- [Bell Dinging.]
- [Stu.]
The number one answer.
! TheJenkins family has control.
What'll it be T-Dog? Pass or play? - I think we will play, Stu.
- All righty.
- Malcolm, two answers left.
"Your mama's so stupid.
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" - A'ight.
Your mama's so stupid, she flunked a urine test.
- Good answer.
Good answer.
- Survey says.
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- [Bell Dings.]
- [Stu.]
The number two answer.
! All righty, Grandma.
Give me a kiss.
Mmm.
All righty.
One answer left.
Let me remind you, if you answer incorrectly, the Trailer family has a chance to steal.
- The question is, "Your mama's so stupid.
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" - Come on, Grandma.
Mama's so stupid, she likes to quilt when it's cold outside.
- [Trailers Laughing.]
- Damn, Granny.
Survey says.
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- [Buzzer Buzzes.]
- Oh, it's incorrect.
And that means the Trailers have a chance to steal.
Hey, Stu, ain't you gonna kiss me? Oh, not that I wouldn't love to, but you're a little young, Dixie.
Oh, but I'm the best kisser in town.
Daddy says so! - [Both.]
Uh-huh.
- Still a tad tender.
Hey, Stu, how 'bout me? I'm old enough.
Pucker up, buddy.
- [Chuckles.]
- Hey, uh.
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A bewitching offer, Clem, but I only kiss the lady folk.
You got a real pretty mouth.
[Laughs.]
Okay, I need an answer.
"Your mama's so stupid.
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" Okay.
Your mama's so stupid, she thinks a moon pie is an ass with whip cream on it.
Your mama's so stupid, when we told her to squeal like a pig.
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- she said, "Moo.
" - [Clem Laughs.]
- Moo! - Okay, Clem, need an answer.
L-I'm gonna say, your mama is so stupid.
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that, uh, she.
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she bought a birthday card for her husband and her son.
- Well, what's wrong with that? - Well, they're the same damn person, Stu.
Okay.
A birthday card for son/husband.
If it's up there, you win the points, if not, theJenkins keep it.
- Show me "son/husband.
" - [Buzzer Buzzes.]
Oh, it's incorrect.
TheJenkins win the pot.
All right, gentlemen.
It's time for round two.
So come on up and play the feud.
We surveyed 100 people.
Top three answers on the board.
Here's the question.
"Mama's so bald.
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" [Beeps.]
Your mama's so bald, you can see what's on her mind.
- [Bell Dings.]
- [Stu.]
The number one answer.
! I put a hex on you and your children.
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and your children's children.
I'm inside you now, man.
[Spits.]
Oh, those country people with their charming country ways.
All righty.
Malcolm has control.
Hey, man, we gonna play.
We gonna play.
Okay.
TheJenkins family.
Oops.
T-Dog, I think it's your Grandma's turn.
Yeah.
Well, Granny sucks at this game, so we switched.
Well, I'm not sure that's legal.
- You're not sure what's legal? - [Chuckles.]
But what the heck? Yeah, that's what I thought.
[Chuckles.]
"Your mama's so bald.
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" Your mama's so bald, she put on a turtleneck and looked like a busted condom.
Stu.
W-What's a condom? W-What is a condom? A condom is what? - That's where rich folks live.
- Oh.
Survey says.
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- [Bell Dings.]
- [Stu.]
Oh, it's the number two answer.
All righty, Grandma.
One answer left.
"Mama's so bald.
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" Yo, yo, I got it, Stu.
I got it.
Step off, T-Dog.
I came to play.
All right, Grandma.
You give that answer.
Okay.
"Mama's so bald.
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" Your mama's so bald.
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I told Uncle Harold she should buy a wig.
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but she didn't listen to me.
[Trailers Laughing.]
Show me " Told Uncle Harold she should buy a wig.
" - [Buzzer Buzzes.]
- [Stu.]
Oh, sorry, Grandma.
No hold on that one, and that means the Trailers have another chance to steal.
Okay, Stu, your mama's so bald, she's as bald as a Chinaman's rear end! I think I'm gonna go with " Your mama's so bald, she looks like a freshly-sheared sheep.
" - You know how good freshly-sheared sheep look.
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- [Elmer Bleating.]
All pink and pretty and they can't fight you real good or nothing like that.
- Tehee.
- Looks like their gene pool could use a filter.
[Giggles.]
If it's up there, you win the score, if not, theJenkins win.
Show me "freshly-sheared sheep.
" - [Bell Dings.]
- [Stu.]
Oh, my goodness.
Unbelievable.
! One vote.
We must've run that survey through Mississippi.
Well, that means we've got a tie on our hands.
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and that means a play-off between the heads of the family.
Clem, T-Dog, come on down here.
You'll be competing head-to-head for $10,000.
There's a minute on the clock.
Ready, go.
Your mama's so skinny, she swallowed a marble and was nine months pregnant.
Your mama's so ugly, she couldn't get lucky at a family reunion.
[Hollers, Laughs.]
Your mama's so fat, she got stretch marks on her clothes.
H.
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H.
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Well, your mama's so fat, we're inside her right now.
[Laughs.]
[Dixie Hollers.]
Your mama's so small, she can hang glide on a Dorito.
Your mama's so stupid, she.
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she's stupid.
[Laughs.]
Your mama's so stupid, she went to Dr.
Dre for a pap smear.
- [Siren Blares.]
- Oh, my goodness.
And it looks like theJenkins family are our winners! Malcolm, Grandma, come on down.
Congratulations.
You're our winners today on the Family Dozens.
Are you tryin' to tell me we didn't win, Stu? Well, that's all the time we have for tonight.
Join us next time for another Family Dozens.
Are you okay? Congratulations.
Hey! Thanks for watching! We'll see you next week on.
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In Living Color.
[Theme.]
[Continues.]
[Mouths Word.]
[Continues.]