M*A*S*H (MASH) s05e24 Episode Script

[Frank.]
Eight months is a long time to be engaged, Major Houlihan.
- [Hawkeye.]
Pickups without teeth.
- It's hardly your affair, Major Burns.
An affair is an affair is an affair.
- [B.
J.
.]
Who wrote that, Hawk? - Gertrude Stein to Alice B.
Toklas on a piece of brown paper bag.
- I understand they were very close.
- Oh, yes.
They wrote together, traveled together and gave each other German haircuts.
That's two pieces of shrapnel.
Personally, I think your Colonel Penobscott's full of banana oil.
Not intending to pry, Major, but has your wedding date been set? - Not yet, Father.
- No ring.
No wedding date.
I think it's, uh, "Thanks for the buggy ride.
" - Burns, why don't you get off Major Houlihan's back? - [B.
J.
.]
More sponges.
I'm sure Major Houlihan's colonel is sincere.
- Oh, for God's sake! - That's what I had in mind.
Frank, do I hear a little wave of jealousy drifting through O.
R.
? Jealous? How could I be jealous? I'm a married man.
- [Margaret.]
Hah! - I heard that "Hah.
" Will someone please change the subject? - Why, did it wet itself? - I read that a Japanese businessman while playing golf in a rainstorm, was struck by lightning in his zipper.
Shocking.
Medically speaking, he had his zip zapped.
- Was he all right? - Oh, he's fine.
Ever since his accident, he's been crazy about "Stormy Weather.
" ## [Starts Singing.]
## [All Join In.]
L-I think we're getting him.
Uh, Colonel Penobscott? - Yes, sir.
It's Major Houlihan calling.
- You got him? Here! - You got him.
Right.
- Donald? Donald? - Why don't you sit - Oh, no, I'm fine.
- I just wanted to talk to you, darling.
- You have I know I could have written.
Oh, it's so good to hear your voice.
Well, did you get Mr.
Hotsy Totsy on the phone? - This is personal.
Please leave.
- I'm here on business.
- Have you got those papers I asked for? - Papers? - I'll find them myself.
- My monthly report! Donald, I've been talking to a friend, and this friend suggests - and I agree - Time to get a few things straightened out.
That it's time to get a few things straightened out.
- Time to set the date.
- It's time to set the date.
- No, I realize you're busy, dear.
- Sure he's busy.
- Fraternizing with bathhouse bimbos.
- What's a bathhouse bimbo? Start not listening for a change.
Do you hear me? - Yes, sir.
I mean, no, sir! Right.
- Shut up! Who is this friend? No, I don't mind telling you that.
- No names! - Major Frank Burns.
- Ooh! You're scrunching my report.
- That's right.
Yes.
- That Frank Burns.
- You're scrunching Could you just - You will? Oh, Donald, that's wonderful! - Could I just - I can hardly wait to see you! Bye! - It took me a whole - Frank, you did it! You've done it! - Did what? - Did what? - He's coming here.
He wants to talk to you.
- What do you mean? - He's coming here.
He's on his way Donald.
- Here? Penobscott's coming here? To MASH? - Yes! Yes! He said he wants to straighten things out once and for all.
- Ease up, please.
Look what you did.
- [Whimpers.]
Sir, can I have two weeks' furlough? - No.
- Oh, golly.
- Klinger! - Pass off, Klinger.
You're always hogging the ball.
- That's no way to talk to a lady.
- It's a habit, guys.
In Toledo, if you pass the ball to somebody, they sell it.
- Let go, you crumb! - [Whistle Blowing.]
- Oh, sorry, Father.
- You fouled him, Colonel! Radar, you wanna reorganize the entire filing system? - Jump ball! - Isn't it unusual for the ref to change his call? Not if he's a corporal.
Colonel, l-I believe you're standing on my foot.
- It's only a friendly game, Father.
- [Whistle Blows.]
[Klinger.]
Get it, B.
J! Get it! Get it! - Over here! No! Hey, that's two! Go! Go! Go! - [All Cheering.]
[Shouting, Chattering.]
- [Klinger.]
Colonel! - [Woman.]
Over here, Colonel! [Klinger.]
Get it! Over here, Father! Get it, B.
J.
! - Over here! I'm on your side, Colonel! - [Whistle Blows.]
- Colonel Potter? - Yeah, what? Lt.
Col.
Penobscott, sir.
[All.]
Ah! - Sherman Potter.
How do you do? - A pleasure, sir.
- Captain Hunnicutt.
- Hi.
- Captain Pierce.
- Hello.
How are you? - Lt.
Peters.
Father Mulcahy.
- Lieutenant.
Father.
Corporal Klinger.
Corporal O'Reilly.
Corporal.
Lieutenant Colonel? Major.
Now there's your regulation hug.
Wow.
They must really like each other.
Then how come they close their eyes? Oh.
[Clears Throat.]
Would you excuse us, Colonel, sir? Of course.
Of course.
Gee, I'm so embarrassed.
I threw him the ball.
It was very sportsmanlike.
- Why don't we take a walk? - Okay.
[Mulcahy.]
Not being one to gossip, but they seem like a nice-looking couple.
[Potter.]
Strapping young man.
Academy, you know.
- West Point or Arthur Murray? - We gonna play ball anymore? I was getting hot.
Klinger, there's too much human drama unfolding.
Geez, I wonder what they're saying to each other.
She's saying, "Donald, darling, I'm not getting any younger, you know.
" And he's saying, "Margaret, darling, I couldn't love you more.
But I promised myself not to marry until I made brigadier general.
" "Let's not rush into this thing like a couple of crazy army kids.
" [Hawkeye.]
"Donald, darling, I don't care what your rank is as long as it's lieutenant colonel or better.
" [B.
J.
.]
"Kiss me, you fool.
" Amazing.
How'd you know that? - She was puckering.
- All right.
Knock off the eavesdropping.
Let's go over to the Mess Tent for a cup of joe.
Come on, Radar.
You'll only irritate your glands.
[Potter.]
Ah, here they are, a handsome couple.
Klinger, why don't you get the major and the colonel some coffee.
- I'd be proud to.
- Oh, no, thanks.
Not now, Klinger.
Lt.
Col.
Penobscott has a little bomb to drop on all of you.
- How poetic.
- I haven't been bombed in a week.
I don't know how to say this, but, uh Major Houlihan and I would like to get married as soon as possible.
[All Congratulating.]
Why don't we toast the happy couple? They're too big for our toaster.
We'd like to expedite our marriage because I'm due back in Tokyo in 48 hours.
- Father Mulcahy.
- Present.
Will you join us in wedlock? Don't do it, Father.
Three's a crowd.
I'd be honored to marry you.
- I'm gonna cry.
I know I'm gonna cry.
- Steady, soldier.
Colonel, uh, what's the procedure? - Radar? - Uh, there's nothing to it, sir.
All you need is permission from your commanding officer and Form 1027 A.
Uh, then you need your overseas nuptials in a combat zone Form 1136.
And then, uh, your embassy registration Form L1101.
All typed up nice and neat in triplicate.
- Don't forget the blood test.
- And then I marry you.
- Father, do you do Methodist? - Piece of cake.
Oh, right.
Klinger, we'll need a cake.
Radar, warm up those forms.
- Yes, sir.
Here.
You're in charge of that.
- My first command.
- Morning, Major Burns.
- Morning.
- Major Frank Burns? - Yes, sir? No, sir.
That's him.
That's Frank Burns.
You're the man I wanna see.
- Hold it.
I wanna talk to you.
- [Margaret.]
Donald! Father, do you do Presbyterian funerals? I'm innocent! I never touched the girl! I'm a happily married man! - Hold still, Major! - I don't know what anyone's told you but all we did was play chess, make chains out of rubber bands.
And last Christmas, we made little pussycat cookies.
Major Burns, at ease! I'm trying to tell you how grateful I am to you.
- What? - It's your fault I'm here.
You inspired Margaret into insisting we get married.
I'm indebted, and I'd like you to be our best man.
[Giggles, Laughing.]
Really? - ##[Whistling.]
- Radar? - Yes, sir.
- What's the latest poop on the wedding? Uh, Captain Pierce and Hunnicutt wanna give Colonel Penobscott a smoker.
Good.
Good.
Did you tell them no horsing around in class "A" uniforms at the wedding? Yes, sir.
Captain Pierce says he's gonna be on his best behavior - but he won't wear pants.
- You tell him no pants, no champagne.
You gotta know how to handle these guys.
What else? Cook baked a cake.
Chocolate frosting.
- Mmm! Has anybody licked Oh.
Go on.
- I licked the spoon.
Uh, all the nurses want to give Major Houlihan a shower.
Probably want her real clean for the wedding.
- Just a joke.
- I know.
This your first marriage ceremony, Radar? Oh, no, sir.
I was at my Uncle Ernie's.
- Fun? - Oh, yeah.
They had potato salad and pecan pie, punch, turkey Jell-O, tongue sandwiches and chopped liver.
- Sounds wonderful.
- I threw up all over the flower girl.
- That'll be all.
- Yes, sir.
- [Laughing.]
- Just some fruit juice and poison.
- Oh, well, then it can't possibly hurt.
Cheers.
- [All.]
Cheers! Oh! Oh! [Laughs.]
- Too much fruit juice.
- Open your presents! Yeah.
Don't forget your presents! How terrific! - Who's this from? - That's from me.
- Hurry! - [All Laughing.]
Back scratcher.
The colonel will love this.
He's got a little itch right there.
[Women.]
Ooh! This way, when I'm not around, he won't need anybody else to scratch it.
Thanks.
Sorry I'm late.
I had to iron this dress.
Klinger, this is for ladies only.
Just a little something for the bride-to-be.
Oh, Klinger, how sweet.
In the words of my people "May your life be an oasis surrounded by waving palms warm breezes, and spit-free camels.
" How touching.
- [Women Gasping.]
- It's gorgeous.
- Oh! - I always figured if I had a daughter I'd want her to wear that gown.
My Uncle Zack used it to get out of World War I.
Don't tear it.
[Sobbing.]
##[Men Singing, Indistinct.]
- To the groom.
- [All.]
To the groom! - Hear! Hear! - Gentlemen, may I say a word or two? - Shh! - I would just like to express my gratitude to all of you for your camaraderie and generosity on this, the eve of my wedlock.
[B.
J.
.]
Or hemlock, as the case may be.
May your house be filled with children and your garage filled with camels.
Camels! Are you aware the one with the big nose is wearing earrings? You shouldn't be looking around.
You're getting married tomorrow.
Oh, you're right.
I couldn't help notice.
He's He's a Gypsy.
To Toledo the stuffed grape leaf capital of the Midwest! - To the Midwest! - Grape leaves! May I have the attention of everyone present? I recognize the drunk from Indiana.
- More! - "Penobenscott.
" What makes you think you deserve such a fine, upstanding woman as Major Houli han? - [All Laughing.]
- [Radar.]
Colonel Potter? R-Radar? Your permission to go out and get sick? Gr-Granted.
Give him a hand.
- What'd he do? - "Menobscott," you haven't answered my question.
- Burns, why don't you join Radar? - The upchuck twins.
Sir, I'm speaking man to man, not officer to officer.
Well, then g-get on w-with it.
Well, what's so hot about you? Well, in my class at the academy I was 396th out of 227.
I told you he was no dummy! And at the Point water polo team, uh, hammer throw and "Greco-wrestle Romaning.
" - All at the same time? - You know I used to play water polo but my horse drowned.
Well, you should have kept his head up! Stop laughing without me! Burns, why don't you shut up, f-fall down and g-go to sleep.
Thank God someone cares.
- Father? - Yeah? Oh.
You haven't had, uh, much to say this evening.
I'm afraid I'm unaccustomed to the jocularity of the stag smoker.
I've been to one other.
Very exciting.
A nun jumped out of an angel food cake.
[All Laughing.]
- [Klinger.]
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
- Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
- Wait a second.
Look at this.
- Oh, dear! Well, he's he's had it.
Gimme Gimme a hand.
Oh, I got one.
Up we go here.
Okay.
- [Chattering.]
- Watch it! Watch it! [B.
J.
.]
He weighs a ton! That's all his medals.
The guest of honor is drunk.
So am I.
I'd say the the party's over.
Well Excuse me.
- Have a g-good night, fellas.
- Night.
- Good night, Colonel! - [Mulcahy.]
Good night.
Radar, get up.
You'll get You'll get dirt in your nose.
I know, but why are these tents doing in our yard, Uncle Ed? - I'm not your Uncle Ed.
- Whoa! - Good night, Father.
- Good night, Father.
Go right home.
The jocularity is jocularity! I gotta go.
I'm wearing a morning frock for the wedding.
I better shave my back.
Yeah, for God's sake, shave your back.
What are we gonna do with the bridegroom? Let's put wheels on him and enter him in the Soap Box Derby.
No.
That's too square.
They like originality.
- Oh, we'll fix Margaret.
- What? Let's slip him in bed with Nurse Carson.
[Laughs.]
Oh, wait.
I got a better idea.
Let's slip me in bed with Nurse Carson.
- Oh! Oh, no, no! - What? - What? What? What? Come on! Come on! - No! No! - It's too crazy! - Come on.
Why don't you - No.
It's too crazy.
- What? Put him in a body cast from his chest to his toes and tell him he broke his leg.
Oh, come on.
No.
That's too cruel.
That's vicious.
You're right.
It's perfect! [People Chattering.]
How-How'd Margaret take the good news? Oh, she's handling it very well.
She punched a hole in her tent.
[Whispering.]
I itch all over.
Gee, I'm glad I didn't break my leg while I was asleep.
We'll tell 'em right after the ceremony.
You know, when the heat's on, you can be decent.
- I know.
- But rottenness is much more fun.
[Whispers.]
Klinger.
- This is it.
- Okay, I'll get her.
I hope I can get through this without crying my eyes out.
- You got tissue in your purse? - Three hankies.
- Radar.
- What? - Uh, music.
- Oh.
## [Wedding Music, Off-key.]
##[Continues.]
- Potter looks so dignified.
- That's because he's got a hangover that would kill his horse.
Ahem! - ## [Continues.]
- Thank you.
- Radar! - ## [Stops.]
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony.
My friends, I'd like to take this opportunity to say a few words on the meaning of marriage.
It is called in the Scripture, "holy bonds.
" But what kind of bonds are they that hold two people together - on the journey through life? - [Sobbing.]
They are silken bonds.
Strong, yet gentle.
Unbreakable, yet yielding.
- [Helicopters Approaching.]
- Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Choppers! Incoming wounded! Incoming wounded! - I'm sorry, God.
- Step on it, Father.
Uh, moving right along.
Uh, if any man objects to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace.
- Oh, I've nothing to say.
- Keep it moving, Father.
Do you, Margaret, take Donald to be your lawful wedded husband? - I do.
- Do you, Donald, take Margaret to be your lawful wedded wife? - I do.
- I now pronounce you husband and wife.
[Frank.]
Colonel.
[Giggling.]
See you later, darling.
Hey! Don't leave me! - [Thud.]
- Oh! This one's in shock and hemorrhaging.
A unit of whole blood.
Stat.
Come on.
Take him.
Okay, it's his leg.
Do a sterile prep.
Move it! Hurry! Pack his chest.
He's in pain.
M.
S.
, one-quarter.
He'll be next in O.
R.
Come on.
Move it! Move it! We've got more coming! [O.
R.
Chatter.]
- How many left? - Two more in pre-op.
Fractured femur, and the other has abdominal wounds.
- Hell of a wedding for you, kid.
- More whole blood! - Wow! - What do you got, B.
J.
? - Belly full of shrapnel.
- Me too.
It's beanbag time.
Ready to close.
General closure, but a peritoneum.
- Klinger.
- Captain? Get that fractured leg in here.
Gimme a second.
I'll bring the whole guy in.
How's your head? Oh, it's okay, Father.
I got a little shook up.
Colonel, I don't think this is a good idea.
No, I insist.
I want to see Margaret at work.
It'll bring us closer together.
But if you're not used to it, O.
R.
Can be very frightening.
I remember my first experience.
I couldn't eat liver for a year.
Padre, you're speaking to a combat veteran.
- I've seen it all.
- Up! - [Chattering.]
- [Objects Clattering.]
[B.
J.
.]
Hawk.
Hawk, I can't get to it.
Give me a hand.
Finish closing.
Move.
Retractors! [B.
J.
.]
Margaret, suction some of that blood out of there.
[B.
J.
Groans.]
Clamp! Clamp! Clamp! [B.
J.
.]
There it is.
Sponge.
- All right, Father.
I've I've seen enough.
- Let's go.
[Overlapping Congratulations.]
- Have a good honeymoon! - Oh, thanks.
- Bye.
It's been nice.
- Bless you, son.
Bon voyage.
- Thank you, Father.
- Have a nice honeymoon, Colonel.
- I'm sure it'll be all you ever expected.
- Thank you.
- Best of luck.
- Sorry about the accident, sir.
- Oh, that's all right.
- Well, do the best you can.
- Thank you, Colonel.
- Enjoyed your wedding, sir.
- [Chattering.]
- [Mulcahy.]
Okay.
Bye.
Major, the bouquet! Throw the bouquet! [All Cheering.]
- Good luck, Major.
- Thank you.
- Have a good time.
- Thank you.
- Bye, Margaret.
- Bye.
[Engine Starts.]
[Engine Roaring.]
[No Audible Dialogue.]
- Let's tell her, Hawk.
- You tell her.
You mixed the plaster.
One of us oughta tell her it's a joke.
- His leg is okay! - The cast is a fake! What? - The cast, take it off! - The cast! Taking off! - Oh, bye.
- Bye-bye! - Thanks for everything! - Oh, you're welcome! - Bye, Major! - Good-bye! Oh, I sure am glad we told her.
We'll have to wire her in Tokyo, all right? You think she can get the cast off all by herself? Are you kidding? She'll rip it off with her bare hands.
Bye, Margaret.
- [Hawkeye.]
Feel all right, Frank? - Oh, I feel great.
You guys don't have to sit up with me like I'm a baby or something.
Well, you're entitled to a little sympathy, under the circumstances.
- After all, you just lost a close friend.
- Oh, I don't feel badly.
I'm really very happy for Margaret.
- That's good, Frank.
That's healthy.
- Sure.
I just wish she'd been a little more cautious.
You know, I hate to see a girl, only been in the army 18 years rush off and marry the second real man she ever met.
What time is it in Tokyo now? Mm, about, um, 10:00.
Oh, well.
They probably finished dinner by now.
Had a few drinks.
Strolled through the Japanese garden at the hotel.
Those gardens are very romantic.
Oh, yeah.
They're probably wandering over toward the elevators now.
[B.
J.
.]
Where you going, Frank? I don't know.
Uh, just felt like grabbing a cold shower.
- That's not a bad idea.
- Uh-huh.