Scrubs s05e24 Episode Script

It's springtime at Sacred Heart, and the whole hospital had that end-of-the-year smell.
Gloria, I need you to change the dressing on Mr.
Kerns' wound.
And I need you to suck it.
Wow, Gloria.
Do you kiss your great-great-great-great-great grandkids with that mouth? # Zoom-zoom-zoom # Ted, that's funny.
Where's the chuckle? The bank foreclosed on my house.
- Where's your mom? - She's out in the car with the cats.
Dr.
Kelso celebrated spring by wearing his golf shorts to flaunt his oddly youthful legs.
Take them in, people.
I shaved for you.
Tell your Daddy what you just did.
I made a poopy in the potty.
You know, son, as a doctor, I spend a lot of my day dealing with other people's poop.
And I'm not going to lie to you, Jackie, it gets old.
Now that's, that's not to say I haven't enjoyed waking up to a fresh brown trout in your Huggies.
Besides, you're gonna do the same thing for me some day real soon.
And yet, aside from actually seeing you being born and that time Wayne Gretzky said, "What's up" to me in line at the bank, you out of diapers is the best thing that's ever happened.
It truly is.
Now why don't you go into your room and play for a little while because we're going to celebrate grown-up style.
All right, get this over with.
I need a nap.
I've been exhausted all week.
- Yippee! - No kissing.
Hands behind your back.
Let's go.
Yep, love was definitely in the air.
Hey, Kim.
How'd you like a night on the town with the hottest doctor in this place? I'd rather just go out with you.
Oh! # Zoom-zoom-zoom # - You "zoom-zoom-zoom"? - Of course.
- I invented the zoom-zoom-zoom.
- Oh.
Cool.
Liar! So, Josh, you are suffering from a condition called phimosis.
It's basically a hardening of your foreskin.
As part of your treatment, I'm asking you to masturbate five times a week.
Help the poor kid out.
Wow, five times a week, huh? For me that would be cutting back.
He said in front of his future girlfriend.
You know what? I should probably mosey.
Looking forward to our date.
See you around 6:00.
Wear something slutty.
# Zoom-zoom-zoom! # That's mine.
# I can't do this all on my own # No, I know I'm no Superman # I'm no Superman # - Oh.
You like that? - Wow, I felt it move.
- Todd, you're touching your crotch.
- I know.
And I'm loving it.
Hey, tubby.
J.
D.
, come here.
I want you to feel something quick.
Ow! Don't call me tubby.
Pregnant witch.
Hey.
There's Kim.
She and Elliot bonded over an ability to communicate at a speed of light.
You'd have to slow it down for humans to understand.
The shower's going to start at 4:00, there's going to be food and games.
You're such a good friend.
I got her a present, but since we're not close I'm just going home to get ready for my date.
Oh.
Hey, you.
I'm psyched for tonight.
Best thing about a date with J.
D.
, if you're having Chinese and want Mexican, you walk to the other side of the food court.
We are not going to the mall, Elliot.
I was making you dinner, then go to karaoke, but I'm not sure how to do both in the same night.
Unless, of course J.
D.
Not Floating Head Doctor.
Too late.
I'm already there.
Body could stay home and prepare the feast.
And as always Head would handle entertainment.
# Don't go breaking my heart # I couldn't if I tried # Oh, honey if I get restless Stop hogging the mic! Body, come! Oh! Stupid body.
I gotta do everything myself.
# Ooh-hoo, nobody knows it Clap with me, clap with me! # Nobody knows Head loves karaoke.
I'm up for anything.
I married my high school boyfriend, the only first date I went on was in tenth grade.
It began with me in the back of his Miata because his friend called shotgun and ended with us going to the arcade to, and I quote, "Eat pizza and beat up nerds.
" And I married that guy.
Well, trust me, Kim.
I've beaten up many a nerds in my day, but tonight's about you having the best first date ever.
All right, slugger.
- Bye! - You don't have anything planned.
You had to soil the food court thing.
It's veal piccata night at Sbarro's.
I'd help, but I'm planning a baby shower for Carla.
I am going to make this cafeteria look totally different.
# Baby, baby, # Baby, oooh # I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back - # I want my baby back, baby back - # Chili's # Baby back ribs - # I want my baby back ribs - # Barbecue sauce - # I want my baby back, baby back - # Chili's Ted, what the hell? It's the only song we know with "baby.
" I want my money back.
- What money? - What? I lost my house.
Give me a break.
Fun, right? No one is mingling.
Why are the morgue guys so damn cliquey? I want yellow.
I wish I had cool morgue friends.
Hey guys! - Ooooh! - Oh.
Laverne, I didn't know you knit.
I sure do.
Mr.
Roberts doesn't have one pair of store-bought socks.
I'm gonna knit you a muzzle.
Those are all from us.
It's just Jack's old baby crap.
We're really excited to get rid of all that stuff and watch you guys suffer through the hellish relationship-ruining nightmare that is the baby phase.
- Open something.
- Go ahead.
- Those are my workout pants.
- Uh-huh.
She's been trying to get rid of those, but I'll be honest with you, I love them cause they're so comfortable and you can get them on real quick.
You ain't lying.
Baby, check it out.
Wonderful.
Thank you.
Why can't we just talk to people? This is the baby games station.
Once we start, people will join us.
OK, guess what flavor baby food this is? - Cab driver feet? - No, Keith, it's turnips! You got it wrong, finish the whole jar! You guys, this is so much fun! Where the hell are all your intern friends? Listen up, interns.
Notice the definition in the upper calf.
Look at it, damn it! See that? Back in 'Nam, the choppers would hover eight feet above my head, I'd jump in.
You should've seen the look on Charlie's face.
Not the enemy, son, the pilot, Charlie Ross.
Great guy.
He didn't make it back.
- Where's the cake? - Eight feet? I don't believe it.
Believe that, missy.
I have to get ready.
I want my date with Kim to be perfect.
What do you think about a romantic horseback ride on the beach? - Like we did for your birthday? - Yeah.
- Except this time with two horses.
- Why not take her to your deck? You guys can lie out and look at the stars.
Unfortunately, I can't.
My deck has become sort of a cruising spot for older gay gentlemen.
Get off my porch, you old queens.
Who's is this? You find somewhere else to hang out! I know for a fact Les Mis is in town! I tried turning my hose on them, but they liked it.
If anything, good luck, buddy.
# Barbecue sauce I didn't need luck, because this was going to be the most romantic first date ever.
Your steed, my lady.
J.
D.
, I've never ridden a horse on a beach before.
And upsie-daisy.
Woo! No saddles? You going to be OK riding bareback? No problemo.
What's so hard about riding bareback? Oh, that was amazing! Wasn't that so much fun? Oh yeah.
That was awesome.
Thank you.
Is this for when we buy the baby a dog? No.
It's a baby cage.
It's a good one, too.
When I was a kid, mine didn't have these windows.
It's perfect.
If you go out for dinner, it's got a water bottle, so you throw some cedar chips in there so the baby can poop, you're made in the shade.
I'm kidding! It's for when they buy the baby a, uh, puppy.
Oh! This one's from me and Keith.
He's here in the bathroom, throwing up summer squash.
Let's see here.
Oooh.
It's a preggy-teddy.
I got it at that new maternity lingerie store at the mall.
I had a conversation with the sweet, old lady who owns the place.
Not many pregnant women shop there.
It's mostly just fat whores.
- Oh.
- I got to get me one of those.
Say, Bobbo.
You want to weigh in on pregnancy sex? - It's a freak show.
- You've seen an ultrasound.
They have eyes, they have hands.
How do you think they're going to react to an intruder? The baby can't grab me down there.
- The baby can't grab me down there? - No, baby.
I called an ambulance, but you should really let me examine you.
Oh, no, no.
The date continues.
I'm a urologist.
And there's a good chance you have testicular torsion.
In which case, you could lose a testicle.
Come on.
Off with the pants.
Looks like my plan is working.
Detruser function is normal.
One is significantly larger than the other.
Actually, that's a pre-existing condition.
- So the right one's always been bigger? - Yes.
Wait.
- Your right or stage right? - Let me test the retraction.
Retracted.
OK, the date's not going exactly as planned, but you can still save it with your legendary gift for small-talk.
So, you're from Texas, huh? They say that's the Lone Star State.
What exactly does that mean? My boobs are so big right now.
I think Dr.
Fishman threw in something a little extra when he did my chin.
Would you, would you like to see something really, just, beautiful? There goes all of Jackie-boy's baby stuff.
No, Mom, playpenlbaby cage is not like tomatoltomahto.
I hope you're not beating yourself up about this.
Sorry, I wanted to do something fun for our first date.
No.
It was so much more fun then, then you think.
I mean, the first seven or eight minutes rocked.
Admittedly, it was more like work after that.
But at least I got to third base with you.
And there it was.
The moment where pity was turning into genuine affection.
Classic Dorian.
I feel like we kind of missed first base.
Me, too.
- Well, maybe we should fix that.
- We should.
And then it happened.
Elliot Reid.
Moment Killer.
What's up, guys? Tell me every detail about the date.
- We went horseback riding on the beach.
- Yes.
I've been on that date.
- Really? - What? I had a coupon.
I wasn't the only one to have an uninvited guest.
You know what sucks? I didn't even eat any of that crappy shower food and I still feel nauseous.
In fact, I've been nauseous for, like, two weeks.
I've been exhausted all week.
My boobs are so big right now.
Yep, I'm pregnant.
I pooped in my bed so I put it on the TV.
Forgive me, but since I had a vasectomy last year, nay, two vasectomies, I feel, I feel I just have to ask.
- Did you cheat on me? - No.
- And you know me.
I always tell.
- Oh, that's true.
That's pretty much why we work well together.
Are you responsible for this? What are you talking about? I'm selling my old mop.
The 2007 s are in.
Sorry.
All right, Kim's right there.
We spent all morning crafting a line so raw with confidence, that if you pull it off, - you're back in the game.
- I'm afraid, Mocha Bear.
I know.
Buck up! - Hey, Kim.
- Oh, hey, J.
D.
How're you feeling? Well, uh the swelling's gone down for now.
You're an idiot.
Go out with me again tonight.
Oh, J.
D.
, I'd love to, but I'm going to a Neil Diamond concert.
With who? Elliot Reid.
Moment Killer.
- What's up? Are you psyched? - Hey.
- I'm so psyched.
- Me too.
# Everywhere around the world # They're coming to America Could I, uh, could I have everybody's attention, please.
Jordan's pregnant.
You get over here, you! - Not a hug moment, sweetie.
- Right.
Yes.
No.
But Dr.
Cox, here I thought you and Jordan were done trying to have any more babies.
We were, but my vasectomy didn't take which, apparently, is not that uncommon.
Holy crap, Dr.
Cox.
That must have really pissed you off.
Yes, it did.
What is, what is your name? Oh, I'm any generic hospital worker who happens to ask you a question about your pregnancy andlor any baby-related issues.
Isn't that nice? This morality play was made possible by a grant from the Just See If I Was Kidding Foundation.
- Do you want to do it, or should I? - Let's just do it together.
That's from The Simpsons.
Ah, yes.
I'm having a heart attack.
Did you guys hear what Jordan and Dr.
Cox and did to the doctor who botched his vasectomy? Go Ted.
# I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back # I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back - Dear God, when do they say "ribs?" - Never.
They never say "ribs.
" # I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back # I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back I heard ten minutes into it, he started eating his face.
He did.
You know what J.
D.
's got planned since it's his day off and he's dateless? This is my first scooter rally.
Do you want to be Ponch or Jon? I can imagine what Jordan and Dr.
Cox are feeling right now.
Do you really think we can handle this? I don't know.
I can totally picture J.
D.
, too.
Oh, hey, Mom.
No, I'm just hanging out alone tonight.
I didn't have anything else to do.
We want to give you your stuff back.
We don't feel like dealing with that right now.
- How about now? - Oh.
Come on in.
Ugh.
I hate cleaning up after those messy old queens.
Ooh, appletini? When did they start drinking straight guy drinks? Mmm.
It's fresh.
What's up, chicken butt? Hey, Kim.
What happened to Neil Diamond? I haven't seen Keith in a while, I'm gonna take him.
Kim's letting me off the hook.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
- What's up? - Nothing.
It seems like good friends always come through for you - You like? - Oh, well.
You know, I could, I could wear them out to dinner.
- With a sports jacket? - No.
It's OK.
Don't get up.
I got it.
- OK.
- It's only your child.
Look, I feel like I can give you a list of things that are sucky about being pregnant.
For starters, I'm now horny as I've ever been and my husband is repulsed by me.
Listen, if you really need it that badly, I will suck it up and shut my eyes so tight and then do you.
- Thank you for the sacrifice.
- It's because I love you.
My point is, even with all the crap, I'm sure it's worth it.
I've seen how happy having Jack has made you two.
And yeah, I know it's been hard, but I know that neither one of you regret any of it.
What the hell is this thing? That's Jack's mobile.
Actually, it's his third mobile.
The first two were embedded in the dry-wall.
They can be quite frustrating to assemble.
Do you remember when he was teething? He'd stare up at that thing for hours.
Yep.
Why's your TV smell like do-do? So, what do you want to do tonight? Just hang here and look at the stars until we're comfortable enough to make out a little.
OK.
I'm cool with that.
- Not yet.
- Let me know.
And like that, I felt like all was right with the couples in the world.
OK, now.
And right then, I knew this was the start of something important.
Two and a half weeks is too long to wait for a third date.
I'm pregnant.
What now?