Alfred Hitchcock Presents s05e25 Episode Script

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Just a moment, please.
You probably think these are telephone lines.
Actually they are attached to television cables.
In this way, I can sidetrack people who attempt to dial another channel.
Usually, after getting the wrong channel, they don't bother trying again.
It helps our ratings enormously.
This fellow is certainly persistent.
This is a recording.
You have reached a disconnected channel.
We suggest you watch Alfred Hitchcock Presents.
Thank you.
This is a recording.
You have reached I've never seen this play fail.
They always give up and watch our show.
Why don't you? It begins in one minute.
No! It just ain't right for a man's best friend to buy two drinks in a row.
This one's on me, Hutch.
I like to buy.
Don't you take his money, Okie.
You take the money, Okie! I said I'm buying and that's what I mean! And I said I'm buying and that's what I mean! Gentlemen, gentlemen, you know the rules about fighting, especially on pay night.
You keep out of this, Okie! You take the money, Okie.
Look, I said I'm buying, and that's exactly what I mean.
And I said I'm buying and that's what I mean! I've got a feeling this sidewinder is trying to make me out a cheapskate! Who're you calling a sidewinder? You! That's who! Of all the ungrateful Evening, brother Pete! Evening, Ben.
Brother Ben.
Brother Jamie.
You boys having another one of your little squabbles, were you? Oh, no, Jamie.
I guess you're about the last two men in town who haven't learned about the Golden Rule.
Oh, that ain't true, Jamie, honest.
Well, I'm mighty glad to hear that, brother Hutch.
'Cause Ben and me would be real upset if you two was to hurt each other.
Well, uh, I reckon we wouldn't want to see you upset, Jamie.
We was just having a little disagreement over who was gonna pay for this drink.
It weren't nothing more than that, honest.
Well, now, why don't I just settle that for you? This one's on me.
You boys drink up and behave yourself real nice, you hear? God bless you, Jamie.
We'll drink to you and Ben.
You're both mighty fine fellows.
Why, thank you, brother Hutch.
Them's mighty fine words.
And me and brother Jamie, here, would like to feel that we was deserving of them.
I'll say this, they sure make a man feel warm inside, whether he's deserving of them or not! Bringing in the sheaves Brothers.
Say, brother, would you bring old Jamie about three fingers of whiskey? Well, it ain't none of my business, but maybe you'd better not have any more, Jamie.
I reckon you know your own limit, but, well, it don't look too good.
Well, I appreciate your thinking about that, Ben, but right now, I'm hanged if I ain't as dry as a month-old drumstick.
You better save your money.
This one's forgotten how to pay off.
Oh, now, brother, I never saw a one-armed bandit, or any other kind of bandit, that could resist faith! Ain't that right, Ben? Amen, brothers! I've seen faith work miracles.
There, now, who wants to see Jamie McMahon make this machine pay off? 'Cause I'm here to say he can do it! Yeah, yeah.
The machine's got all the money, but Jamie's got the faith! Just open your eyes to faith, brothers.
Hey, Pete, see that little fella who just came in? Yeah.
What about him? Something funny about him.
Well, maybe he wants a drink.
Did you ever think of that? What's your pleasure, mister? You are the dispenser of beverages, are you not? Well, uh, yeah, I reckon I am.
What do you recommend? Huh? I'm experiencing a severe dryness of the throat.
What do you recommend? Well, anything you like.
Every man to his own poison, I always say.
Do you dispense John Barleycorn? John Barleycorn! I thought that was just something in a song or something like that.
You mean there really is a drink by that name? I asked you.
Yeah, well, uh I guess this is about as near as I can come to it.
Mighty warmin' on the innards.
I'll have rum.
Rum.
Rum.
Don't push it toward me, man! Stand back and I will reach for it! Nothing like a shot of good ole demon rum! What's the matter, mister? Something wrong with it? Where I come from, we never refer to it as "demon rum.
" No? And, uh, where do you come from? I'm interested in your town.
What's it called? Copper Pocket.
You, uh, gonna be here long or are you just passing through? You better give up, Swede.
Likely all the good you're going to do is bust a gut, boy.
Stand aside, boys.
Let a man try it.
Come on, Ben.
Go over there and show them how it's done.
All right.
Come on, Ben.
Show us.
You can do it.
Thank you for your faith, brother.
A ruckus community.
Mister, this place is like a church social compared to what it was two months ago.
Uh, you see them two fellas, down there, in the middle of the circle? The two pretending to be strong men? Oh, mister, they ain't pretending.
Go on.
My work requires a certain knowledge of each place I visit.
What kind of work do you do? I'm a collector.
Of what? Souvenirs.
Souvenirs? What kind of souvenirs? What were you saying about those two men? Let Jamie try it.
Let Jamie try it.
Anything Ben can do, Jamie can do, too.
Come on, Jamie.
Yeah, that's right.
Mister, copper miners are just about the strongest, the sturdiest, the meanest misfits ever put on this earth! Why, they was gambling and drinking and shooting each other up.
Five, six, seven, fist fights every night.
And I'm only talking about one corner of the room now! Look, I want to show you something.
You see that? That's all that's left of the finest chandelier that was ever brought west of the Mississippi.
It's from Paris, France.
It took me two years to get that.
It took these critters a minute and a half to shoot it up! Yes, life was pretty rough around here till two months ago.
Then them two came.
Ben and Jamie.
And they brought something that this town had never heard of.
Interesting.
What was it? Brotherly love.
Yes, sir.
They brought the magic of brotherly love to Copper Pocket, and this has been a different town ever since.
I see.
And these enlightening signs I observe here, I take it they are the result of this campaign of brotherly love? Yes, sir.
I'm curious to know how these two men accomplished their mission.
Well, mister, that takes a bit of explaining.
I need another drink.
You got money to pay for these? Well! That's a right nice looking pocketbook you got there, mister.
I don't believe I've ever seen one like that before.
I believe you were telling me a story of brotherly love.
Yeah, well, first off, Ben and Jamie got themselves a job in the mine.
Then they had every professional gambler thrown out of town.
And they told the men here there was something more to life than shooting and gambling.
"Vanity of vanities," they said, "All is vanity.
" Clever.
Oh, not that Ben and Jamie were against gambling and drinking, but, uh, well, they were so tolerant to all the men, even them that laughed at them, that it wasn't long before the whole town just fell right in behind them.
Am I to understand that these two men accomplished their mission without ever resorting to their own strength? Oh, they got mixed up in some pretty mean fights there at first.
Ah! Then it wasn't brotherly love they brought with them.
No? Then what was it? It was power! Physical power.
Stripped of its brotherly, kindly, tolerant aspect, it reduces itself to power.
And men, all men, fear power! Well, no, no, mister.
You got it all wrong.
No, these miners don't fear nothing.
No, don't you see, Ben and Jamie convinced them that things like self-respect and love and pride in your work, them was the all important things! I know one thing, mister.
This town has been a far better place to live in ever since them two came here! Hey! What's the idea, unless you're trying to blow a hole in my floor? I asked for another drink and you ignored me.
I don't like being ignored.
Uh, you've had enough to drink.
You better move on! You will fix me another drink.
You move on, or I'll have you thrown out of here! Simmer down, brother Okie.
No need to go getting all riled up.
Oh, I knew there was something wrong with that little critter the minute I laid eyes on him.
Stranger, I think you got the wrong idea about this town.
We don't allow no fighting or weapons here.
Someone could get hurt if we was to go around shooting up the place.
Now, we're tolerant men, and we understand you didn't know these things.
Ain't that right, brother Ben? Amen, brother Jamie.
So if you'll just apologize to Okie for smoking up his saloon, we'll just forget the whole thing.
You, I take it, are one of the preachers.
How's that again? One of the righteous ones.
An ecclesiastical bore! A pompous ass! Well, suit yourself, mister.
We'll just forget the whole thing.
There's no apology necessary.
Put on some music, Charlie.
Come on, fellas, let's all sing.
Ah, you turn the other cheek! Loyal to scripture! Admirable! Admirable and logical, since you're a coward at heart! No man ever called Jamie McMahon a coward.
Now, mister, I am gonna have to insist that you apologize.
And what if I refuse? What will you do then? Read to me from the good book? Such nonsense will fall upon deaf ears.
I'm not like your friends here! Maybe all you need is a good thrashing.
And who'll administer that thrashing? Certainly not you.
You're not man enough.
Well, you talk mighty big for a little fella, don't you! Many men have tried to beat me, but not a soul has ever succeeded.
However, why not give it a try? Why don't you try to administer this thrashing you've been talking about? In fact, I challenge you! Mister, I never hit a man smaller than me.
And I'm not about to start.
I'm certain you've hit many men physically smaller than yourself and as for mentally Mentally, my friend, there is no one smaller than you.
Peace, Jamie.
Now you go over there and calm down, I'll take care of this little fella here.
Oh, I'll handle this my way, Ben! Two-muscle-bound oafs groping to rescue each other's pride.
Mister, I'm going to count to 10 and if you ain't gone I'm gonna forget how small you are! Jamie! Jamie! Remember the words in the Book of James, "Blessed is the man that endureth temptation.
" "For when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life.
" Two chips off the Rock of Ages! Resist the devil, Jamie! Resist him and he will flee from you! The devil! By jingo, just look at him! He must be some kind of a devil! Peace, brother Swede.
Jamie and me can handle this little fella.
Of course! They'll find a way to talk me out of here.
Now, this one This one seems inclined to turn the other cheek.
Let's see how he behaves after it has been turned! Go ahead, Jamie.
Flatten the little coyote! Yeah, go on, Jamie and flatten him! What kind of a demon are you, anyway? Do not try it again I warn you, or you will suffer a grave penalty! You've got to show him, Jamie, boy! You got to take him.
I do not have time to indulge you as I did your friend! With your own eyes you have observed that your friends tried to touch me and failed.
Do not trouble to ask yourselves why.
Do not trouble to ask yourselves who or what I am.
I am here! That is the reality! Now to fulfill my purpose in coming here.
If you cooperate, I will show mercy.
He who does not cooperate, shall feel the full force of my wrath.
If you doubt what I'm saying, I suggest you take a good look at your friends lying there on the floor.
Now, each of you will come up to this table and deposit your funds in this bag.
The preachers.
The drawer on that machine.
Thank you.
And now that statue! Empty it! There's nothing in there.
It's just a statue.
Just solid bronze clear through.
Empty it! Thank you.
A word of advice.
Never entrust your money to a woman.
If you value the lives of your friends on the floor, you will remain where you are.
Stay put.
And in due course, they will return to normal.
Do not try to follow me, or there will be the devil to pay! Hey! They're coming to.
Jamie, Ben, are you all right? He's seen the money right through the statue.
It ain't human.
Supernatural, that's what it is.
He must be some kind of devil! No, he ain't some kind of devil, Swede.
He's the Devil! Twenty-nine thousand.
Twenty-nine thousand, five hundred.
Thirty thousand! I've made the usual split.
There it is.
And Jamie, I'm warning you, next time, don't have so much to drink.
That big, meaty hand of yours came too close for comfort last night.
And as for you, Ben, do me a favor, will you? Next time, please, don't lay it on so thick with that holy stuff.
There's a town called Silver Wheel in Nevada.
Go there as soon as possible and start sending reports.
I'll come when you send me the word.
That concludes our story, just in case you hadn't guessed.
An amusing thing happened at the next town Ben, Jamie, and their little man friend visited.
A stranger happened into town on the night of the pay off.
A man who was seeing their show for the second time.
Theirs was a show that could not stand any repeat business.
As it turned out, it was their final performance.
For the next minute, I shall attempt a television first.
I shall show you what is on another channel, after which, I shall bring you safely back.
I can see you feel you made a wise choice this evening.
Why don't you do the same next week, when I shall return with another play? Until then, goodnight.