Hogan's Heroes (1965) s05e25 Episode Script

( theme song playing ) ( Morse code beeping ) "Pick up six commandos parachuting into area A11.
Bring them back to Stalag 13.
" Sounds easy enough so far.
Easy? It's insulting.
All of a sudden we are a taxi cab.
Yeah, but at least we're not a yellow one.
( laughs ): How about that? We might be a cab, but at least we're not a yellow one.
I just said that and I wasn't even trying to be funny.
You weren't.
( Morse code beeping ) Coming in to grab Rommel? Rommel? Field Marshal Rommel? The Desert Fox? The Terror of Torbrook? The Galloping Ghost? That was Red Grange.
"Rommel was wounded by a strafing fighter "and is now recuperating in a small private hospital outside of Hammelburg.
" They've got quite a job ahead of them.
So do we.
How are we going to get six commandos past all those SS patrols? Let's find out where area A11 is.
That's two miles from Hammelburg and about 12 miles from home.
Yeah, and plenty of space in between.
Those patrols are going to be on the alert the moment they hear that plane.
There's a good chance somebody will spot the parachutes.
Yep, and then it's a race to see who picks up who.
I'm beginning to wish we were a taxi cab, and a very fast one.
But never a yellow one.
Oh, shut up, Carter.
It's a cinch the SS will be blocking the roads, but a truck carrying British prisoners with German guards shouldn't have any trouble, right? Ah, I get the message.
I'll radio London and tell them to drop their guys in flight uniforms.
Right.
Tell them we'll be in German uniforms.
We'll use the cricket code ID.
Right.
Now all we need is a truck.
Carter, Newkirk, check the motor pool.
See if one's been brought in for repair, huh? NEWKIRK: Okay.
We'll check, but I'm sure one's on its way.
Yeah, the first one we see.
As long as it isn't yellow.
Yeah.
Get up there.
All right, all right! Let's have a little hustle there! Colonel Klink wants this truck fixed by this afternoon.
We're not going to disappoint our Colonel Klink, are we? I should say we aren't.
We want whatever our commandant wants, and if he wants this truck fixed, we'll fix it by Carter, I'll give the orders; just make sure they're not obeyed.
I want this truck out of commission till tonight.
Yes, sir.
Hey! You want to play funny, huh? Ow! ( groaning ) Morning, sir.
Oh So, Hogan, this is the way your men fix a truck, huh? Well, as they say, sir, all work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
We at Stalag 13 like dull boys.
( laughing ) Very good, Commandant.
I see you are in excellent humor.
Shut up, Schultz.
I'm not in excellent humor.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
You are in excellent humor to be in such a nasty humor.
I know how anxious you are to know when your truck will be ready, and I can assure you Hogan, this truck is supposed to pick up supplies this morning.
Why is it being repaired, huh? Why? Well, Newkirk's our mechanical engineer, so I'll have him give you the answer.
Newkirk-- without getting too technical, would you explain to Colonel Klink why his truck's being repaired? Certainly, sir.
It's broken.
( grunts ) Thank you.
You're very welcome, sir.
You couldn't ask for a plainer explanation than that, sir.
Hogan, this truck was perfectly all right last night.
Obviously it wasn't all right or it wouldn't be the broken-down wreck that you see here.
I would like to see just how really broken down it is.
Uh, begging your pardon, sir.
Inasmuch as we don't know the extent of the damage, trying to start the engine might prove dangerous.
Hogan, get out of my way.
I do not believe that there is anything wrong with that truck.
You and your men are just using it as an excuse for loafing.
Now, Schultz, get in there and start that engine.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
What kind of danger do you think there might be, Colonel Hogan? Explosion, fire.
Who knows? Nothing is going to happen, Schultz.
Just get in there.
Not another word out of you.
Men! SCHULTZ: Wait, Herr Kommandant.
I think my driver's license has expired.
Schultz, stop being a coward.
Nothing is going to happen.
Start the engine.
That's an order.
Jawohl.
( engine cranks ) ( loud bang ) All right, they all should be within this half-mile radius right here.
You cover the northeast area, huh, Kinch? Got your cricket? Right here, Colonel.
( clicker clicks ) And their signal is Four chirps repeated at ten-second intervals.
And my reply is ( clicks twice ) two chirps.
All right, we rendezvous in 40 minutes.
Let's go.
( two clicks ) ( knuckles clicking ) ( two clicks ) It looks like we all heard the same signal.
But no sign of any commandos.
I could swear it came from right here.
I was standing right here all the time.
I didn't see anyone.
Better not stand here any longer.
Back to the truck, quick and quiet.
( knuckles clicking ) ( clicking ) Well, it's an old habit.
I always crack my knuckles when I get nervous.
I'd like to crack my knuckles, too right in your big mouth.
What'd I do? Nothing, Carter, nothing.
But the next time you get nervous, bite your nails, huh? Back to the truck.
All right, quietly.
I warn you: one false move and your commandant is a dead man.
Hello, Colonel Crittendon.
Good heavens-- Colonel Hogan.
Hi.
Hold your fire, lads! They're not Jerries, they're friends! Softly, Crittendon, softly.
The SS is out there.
Now, let's get back to the truck, and fast.
My chaps need a breather.
Have no fear-- we'll see Jerry before he sees us.
Who's standing the watch, Tobin? Me and, uh, Digby, sir.
That's what I like about Tobin-- always takes the dirty jobs himself.
Those two are on watch, huh? Well, it's merely an expression, old man.
I mean, when there's nothing to see, there's really nothing to watch, what? ( chuckles ) But he's got ears like an Airedale.
He hears things most of us don't.
Probably sees things most of us don't, too.
Sees things? What? Where? Oh, that's good, Hogan.
Talking good.
I keep forgetting that keen wit of yours-- marvelous quality.
You could look death in the face and laugh about it, couldn't you? No, I don't believe I can, Colonel.
You said your men are tired.
Let's get back to the truck and Stalag 13.
I have a much safer idea.
You and your men ride in the truck; my boys and I will follow on foot.
That's ten miles! ( chuckles ) Merely a pleasant stroll for us.
You see, if we rode in the truck with you, wouldn't that be putting all our eggs in one basket, what? No, I'd call it the most practical plan.
Now, you said your men were exhausted.
And so they were, but a few moments' rest and they'll be straining at the traces.
What do you say to that, lads? ALL ( tiredly ): Aye They're a dotty bunch.
All right, Hogan, you'd better get your men back to the truck.
Look, Colonel, I can't That's an order.
Remember, I have more time in grade; that gives me rank over you, sir.
Try to remember that.
None of us will ever forget it sir.
Still no sign of them? I don't know why we all even bother looking.
I should have known the plan was doomed when Crittendon said he had an idea.
Yeah.
That had the ring of disaster for me, too.
Those guys must be crazy to follow Crittendon on a ten-mile march.
They had to be crazy to follow him on the plane.
You think we ought to radio London, tell them what happened? Let's give them ten minutes more.
( tapping ) Carter, stop cracking your knuckles.
I'm sorry, sir.
I didn't mean to My hands are in my pockets! ( tapping ) Hold it, hold it.
( tapping ) I hear tapping.
Yeah.
It is a tapping.
Why, it's as though someone were rapping, gently rapping on my I'll wrap the periscope around your neck if you say one more word.
LeBeau, have another look, huh? Come in, Hogan.
Hogan, come in.
Come up, Hogan, and let me Hogan, will you Ho Nothing ( yells ) The SS had us surrounded-- They closed in, rifles at the ready, machine guns and mortars ringed us.
It's a good thing you didn't try to fight.
My men are trained killers, human fighting machines.
They ask no quarter and they give none.
They don't know the meaning of the word "surrender.
" That can lead to some nasty arguments.
However, I do know what the word means.
I said it and I meant it.
And the look I saw on the faces of my command I'll remember until my dying day.
I failed them, Hogan.
I failed them.
( sighs ) You, uh you saved the lives of your men, Colonel.
I'd rather you didn't call me that.
I'm a disgrace to this uniform.
A vital mission has been ruined because I I had to do things my way.
You know, driving back here, I began to think, I realized your plan was better than my plan.
I had the very same thought meself, sir.
Since we're being honest, I didn't like Colonel Hogan's way from the very start.
Colonel Crittendon's plan-- that made sense to me, but I said nothing because I'm only a corporal.
Private.
It's awfully decent of you chaps to say that, but you got back here without any trouble and I had nothing but trouble and got nowhere at all.
You did! You escaped, and that must have been a pretty neat trick.
Yeah, how did you manage to get away? Well, they ordered us into the back of the truck.
After the last man was in, I waited for them to make room for me, and while I was waiting, the truck drove off.
They didn't realize you were standing there? Well, of course I was stunned, too, but I quickly regained my senses and ran after them.
No offense, sir-- why did you do a stupid thing like that? Well, I wanted to be with my men.
They need a leader.
Who knows what will happen to them without me? That's right.
Look what happened to them with you.
I mean, if you hadn't surrendered, they'd be goners.
You can help them better by being free.
Yeah, it's a good thing it was so dark they didn't see you.
See me? They didn't even miss me.
I wasn't worth the space I'd take up.
I got London on the radio, Colonel.
Good-- they must be informed that our vital mission has been botched.
Uh hold it a minute, Kinch.
Time is of the essence, Hogan.
They might just be able to fly in a second unit to pull it off.
You have all the details of the mission? Of course.
The hospital is just outside Hammelburg.
Rommel is in suite 101.
I'm to deliver him tomorrow night at midnight to the underground.
They'll keep him? No, they'll take him to the coast.
We have a sub standing by.
Then all you need are some expert fighting men to handle the guards.
And they aren't easy to find.
Do you have a feeling we're about to volunteer for something? Come on, Colonel.
We could use some action for a change.
This mission might be a sticky one.
Well, we might as well try it.
You can't do any worse than you've already done.
No offense, sir.
None taken, Sergeant.
Men, your offer is gladly accepted.
I should warn you, though, you may be volunteering for an extremely dangerous night's work.
Oh, sure, danger is my middle name.
Yeah, we'd just be sitting around anyway.
Fine lads.
Hogan, I'll need your truck again.
Well, it's not exactly my truck, but I'll ask Dad if I can borrow the keys.
Fine-- then we're all set.
Just one question, Colonel.
Oh, why is it we're supposed to grab Rommel? Last week, a German sub sank one of our ships and captured Admiral Thomas Toddly, head of naval intelligence.
We are going to capture Rommel and force a prisoner exchange.
That'd be quite a coup if we could pull it off.
There are no ifs.
This one's do or die-- a suicide mission.
Now, we best not talk about it anymore.
Jerry has big ears.
I'm beginning to think we have even bigger mouths.
Good morning, Colonel.
I'm happy Don't be happy, Hogan.
When I'm not happy, nobody's happy, and I'm not happy.
Oh, I'm sorry to see you in such a bad humor this morning, sir.
Any morning you see me, I'm in a bad humor.
You know, that's right.
I wonder why that is.
Frankly, Hogan, you depress me.
Depress you? In the morning, you mean? Morning, afternoon, evening summer, winter, autumn and spring.
You depress me, because you're a scheming troublemaker.
Scheming troublemaker? I resent that.
Don't bother.
I resent it enough for both of us.
Hogan, about the truck It's fixed, yes? All fixed, sir.
Fixed and ready to go after a few minor repairs.
But you were making repairs all day yesterday.
Those were the major repairs.
You've got to do the major repairs to find the minor repairs.
Otherwise, you wouldn't see them.
And it will be ready today? Absolutely.
Guarantee it positively will be ready today.
Tomorrow at the latest.
No tomorrows, Hogan.
I want it ready today.
Now, tell the men to speed it up.
Haste makes waste, sir.
No, you make waste.
You make schemes, you make troubles, but there's one thing you don't make, and that is haste.
Then use your own mechanics.
Oh, you know very well that General Burkhalter has transferred my entire maintenance crew to bomber service.
Well, in that case, if I were you, sir, I wouldn't be so demanding.
You'll find my men are the kind the more you push, the less they do.
Who's pushing? I'm doing nothing.
And that's exactly what they're doing.
Colonel, look, you'll find I'm a reasonable man.
No! You're not! You're a sneaky troublemaker.
Scheming troublemaker.
Oh, yes.
I'm sorry.
Now, I want no more loafing on the job.
All right, that truck will be ready if we have to work all night.
And I'm going to post a guard to see that it's done.
A guard? Now you're carrying things too far, sir.
There's no reason in the world for you to post a guard over my men.
Hogan, when you say there's no reason in the world, that's reason enough for me.
Frau Hilda, have Sergeant Schultz stand guard over the men at the motor pool.
And get this, Hogan.
Tell him to take his gun.
( yawning broadly ) All right, gentlemen, take a one-hour rest period.
Wait a minute! Who told you to rest? That man did.
Since when do you take orders from him? Since he said "one-hour rest period.
" SCHULTZ: Keep on working, men, while I take an hour rest period.
If you want to lie down, there's a cot in the tool room.
Oh, sure, "Lie down in the tool room, Schultz, while we steal the truck," huh? Schultzy, do you think we would steal this truck? No, I don't, not while I sleep in the back of it.
( chuckles self-contentedly ) See if you can get this thing started.
( engine starts ) ( snoring ) Haben Sie Feuer bitte? NEWKIRK: He was sleeping on duty.
CARTER: Disgraceful.
What's the matter with you? Sorry about that.
Get down.
All right, Newkirk, when we get inside the building, go down to the basement, cut the power.
I'll take care of that, Hogan.
I'd rather Newkirk do it.
He's the electrician.
It doesn't take an electrician to pull a switch.
The right switch, Crittendon-- that's where the trick comes in.
Precisely why I'll take care of the power.
I have a complete diagram of the electrical circuit.
Why don't you let Newkirk have a look at it, huh? Oh, you don't think I'd be foolish enough to carry it with me, do you? No, you wouldn't do that.
You'd memorize it and burn it.
Right, you are, Hogan.
That's what I was afraid of.
No need to worry.
I have a photographic memory.
My mind is like a camera.
Yeah, but how are you fixed for film? That diagram is tucked away right in the old brain box.
Control system, south wall of basement, metal box, three switches.
Left switch, escape alarm; middle switch, air raid siren; right switch, main power.
Follow me, lads.
That's the doctors' lounge.
It's unoccupied right now, so we'll go in.
The light switch is on the wall to the right.
Aha.
I'll be darned.
It is a doctors' lounge.
Now, the guards won't be making their rounds for another 20 minutes.
That gives us plenty of time for our bit of work.
Rommel is in suite 101-- down the hall, corridor on your left, third door to your right.
Very good, very good.
Now, here's the ploy.
After I leave, wait 25 seconds, then get cracking.
I'll give you five seconds to get to the hall.
Then I'll hit the lights.
Rommel should be asleep.
Just to make sure, this syringe contains a powerful sedative.
It works instantly.
Use it if you have to.
Uh Crittendon, wouldn't you rather Newkirk go? Colonel Crittendon never sends a man to do a job he wouldn't do himself.
There must be no slipups.
Good luck, chaps.
What do you think, Colonel? His memory seems to be pretty good.
Yeah, so is my memory.
I can remember those six commandos that came with him.
How's it look in the hall? All clear.
All right, let's go.
( siren begins wailing ) What's that? Mr.
Memory has done it again.
All right, watch this door.
Come on, LeBeau.
Quick! Quick! Air raid! Keep walking.
There's an air raid.
Keep walking till the raid is over.
Crittendon! Hogan! Rotten luck, eh? Fine time they picked to have an escape and an air raid at the same time.
Follow me.
Rommel's room is this way.
To blazes with Rommel-- we've got to get out of here.
Sir, we've got a mission.
Hogan, tell your man who is in charge here.
Okay.
Ow! Any questions? NEWKIRK: Yes, sir, what do we do with him? Bring him along.
It's a pity.
HOGAN: Any word from headquarters? NEWKIRK: Kinch is still trying to raise them.
But what a night.
And what a mission.
Nobody's ever going to believe us.
Well, I don't believe it myself.
We captured Field Marshal Rommel.
SCHULTZ: Achtung! Achtung! Raus! Raus! Raus! Everybody, roll call in 15 minutes! Oh, you're an hour early! Orders of the commandant! He has lunch with the field marshal.
What field marshal? Rommel! What do you think? Is there anybody else who is a field marshal? Rommel? The Rommel? What is he doing here? He's recuperating from his wounds in a hospital nearby, and he would like to make an inspection.
Are you sure it's Rommel? There's only one Desert Fox.
Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.
You can read all about it in the paper, but mach schnell! Raus! Raus! Roll call! Oh, I got London, Colonel.
Stand by, Mama Bear.
I hope Crittendon doesn't give us too much credit for this one.
CRITTENDON ( on radio ): Come in, Goldilocks.
Are you there, Goldilocks? Speaking.
I understand we shipped the wrong package.
Not at all, not at all.
It was a prize.
A prize or surprise? CRITTENDON: Well, both, of course.
I mean, here we were, trying to take Rommel, and who do we kidnap but Admiral Toddly himself, what? ( chuckles ) That wasn't the plan, you know.
I know.
It's amazing how you knew Admiral Toddly was in the same hospital as Rommel.
Good show.
You and your chaps did a splendid job.
That's very flattering, but I don't think we could have done it without you, sir.
Oh, really? I mean, I hardly remember a thing, but I suppose that's natural in the heat of battle, what? Yes, sir.
Well, you chaps were such a help last night, I've decided we'd work together on another assignment.
Now, how does that strike you? I'm afraid the Germans are jamming us, Mama Bear.
( static ) CRITTENDON ( on radio ): Come in, Goldilocks.
Hello, Goldilocks.
You know, being a prisoner of war is a very dangerous branch of the service.