That '70s Show s05e25 Episode Script

Ah, my last American Popsicle washed down by my last American grape soda.
Fez, it's sad you're getting deported but this "last American" crap's getting annoying.
Ah, my last American chance to annoy you.
Hey.
Come on, Fez.
Look on the bright side.
I mean, we graduate tomorrow.
You go to your country with a high school diploma they'll probably make you, like, head medicine man or something.
Eric, there is no bright side about going back to a place where people are outnumbered by lizards.
I'm gonna miss you, man.
When you get there, can you mail me a lizard? - Eric, guess what came for you? - Hey.
They just send those to me.
I don't even find those girls attractive.
No, you perv.
It's the key to our new apartment in Madison.
- Oh.
- Now we can leave tomorrow after graduation like we wanted.
Great.
By this time next week, our new neighbors will be hearing your cries of love through our paper-thin walls.
Cries of love? Or cries of disappointment? Oh, I don't want to go.
Come on, Fez.
It's not like we're never gonna see you again.
I'm sure in a couple months you'll be, like on the cover of National Geographic.
Yeah, those bastards are always so intrusive.
Fez, look.
At least we're going camping tonight.
- We'll all be together for our last blowout.
- It won't be all of us.
Kelso can't make it on account of he's got a broken face.
I don't got a broken face.
You will if you keep interfering with me getting Jackie back.
You're the one that's interfering.
You know what? I'm going and Jackie's going, and you're staying home.
- No.
You are.
- No.
You are.
- Fine, stay home then.
- I will.
Hey, stop it.
Would you please put aside your differences and go camping with me? We only have a few hours left together.
- Fine.
I'll go for you.
- Good.
Now, I am off to spend the rest of my American money on candy and porno.
- But, Fez- - I said, candy and porno.
Hey, Jackie? You're gonna love these cookies on the camping trip.
They're sweet and tasty, just like me.
Kelso, this apple's kind of like you too.
You mean juicy and delicious? - No.
Red and bruised.
- Agh! Yeah? Well, these hot dogs are like you, too, Hyde.
They're, uh- - Kosher.
- Yeah, kosher! - Wait, what's kosher? - That means blessed by a rabbi.
Burn! Jackie, are you sure you want to go camping? These idiots are gonna be competing over you the whole time.
Well, I am glad, Donna.
They've both jerked me around so much I cannot wait to watch 'em fight over me.
You know, if you really want to mess with them, you should do it with me.
Hey, talk about humiliating.
So, you guys are going to the lake, huh? It is real fun up there.
My senior year, I set the record for most topless rides on the rope swing.
I wish I was goin'.
Yeah, don't even think about it, Laurie.
There are enough scary things in the woods already.
Eric, I'm being deported, and she's loose with the boobs.
She goes.
Hey, Forman.
Your mom just came back from the loony doctor.
She got real depressed when she heard you guys were moving to Madison, huh? Yeah, you're tellin' me.
Last night she was making sounds that were giving my dad war flashbacks.
What a beautiful day.
I feel- I feel like a rainbow.
Anyone else feel like a rainbow? - What happened to her? - [Pills Rattling.]
[Singing Folk Rock.]
[Ends.]
I wrote that just for you, Jackie.
He didn't write that.
He ripped it off from "American Pie.
" Nah-uh.
The "American Pie" guy ripped me off.
- You shut up, man.
- You shut up! Okay.
I'm gonna freak everyone out and tell my ghost story so go hide in the woods and jump out when I get to the end.
[British Accent.]
You are as wicked as you are gorgeous.
You know, it really creeps me out being up here after what happened to those kids.
What kids? A bunch of kids just like us were camping out up here and they disappeared.
And all the police could find were these bloody drag marks that led down to the lake.
It was like- It was like something killed them and then pulled them in.
Maybe it was the Loch Ness Monster.
No.
Fez, the Loch Ness Monster's in Africa.
So the police, like, searched the lake with their sonar and stuff and when they played back the tapes all they could hear in the background was, like, a whisper.
What did it say? "I am the Lady of the Lake.
I am the Lady of the Lake.
" Yeah.
And you'll know when she's coming, because she screams before she kills.
Let's see if we can hear her.
I said, let's see if we can hear her.
[Eric.]
D- Donna, I'm stuck in a thornbush.
I heard her.
She's stuck in a thornbush.
I'm kind of cold.
I'll reward who ever gets more firewood by letting them feed me marshmallows.
I'm not gonna go running around the woods trying to impress you.
I will.
Damn it.
I'm gonna go take a walk down to the lake.
[Thinking.]
She's going to the lake, old boy.
That means topless rope-swinging.
Now, do you want to spend your last hours in America eating s'mores? Or watching her glorious breasts swinging in the chilly night air? I choose boobs.
This is so strange, you know? It's, like, our last night all together.
It's too weird to think about.
Let's, like, do something to get our minds off it.
Well, here's the tent.
So, I'll tell you what.
I'll go inside, strip down and just lay there- Let's go skinny-dipping.
Meet me down by the lake in five minutes.
Wait, so- I have to walk all the way down to the lake by myself? Yeah.
That's cool.
Here you go, Kitty.
Home sweet home.
I went into my closet to get a jacket.
I found Kitty standin' in there.
I like the way the coats felt on my arms.
Oh, yes.
Why, there you are, my little sex muffin.
- Little brother? - [Screams.]
[Screams.]
[Screams.]
What the hell was that? It's the Lady of the Lake! She screams and then she kills! [Thinking.]
There's Laurie.
Okay.
Time to turn on the charm.
Hey, Laurie, are you naked, or you just happy to see me? - Oh, my God! Fez! - Oh, my God! Donna! [Thinking.]
Steady, old boy.
Say something smooth.
Nice honkers.
- Get out of here! - Hey, you like the rough stuff, eh? It was awful.
I saw Laurie, and everything just went blank.
And I just ran, Donna.
I just ran away.
And then I heard these high-pitched screams.
And it was me.
Yeah? Well, I've got bigger problems.
Fez is a good artist.
He's gonna paint me onto a nudie poster and sell it to every gaucho in Argentina, or wherever the hell he's from.
Eric, I'm gonna be Ms.
Nude Argentina.
You know, being here under the stars sitting in the grass makes me really glad I'm not poor.
Man, check out that fire, baby.
Yeah, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's turning a small fire into a big fire.
Man, that one guitar-shaped log is roarin'.
What the- Is that my guitar? Yep.
It's got a nice, warm sound.
- Dead! - Back off, man.
Jackie doesn't want you.
Yeah? She still has feelings for me and you know it! Okay, okay, okay.
Stop it! This isn't fun for me anymore! What? What do you mean fun for you? I didn't say that.
Yeah, you did.
All right.
What are you trying to do? You're getting your kicks off of watching us jump through hoops over you.
No.
We didn't jump through hoops.
I'm good at that.
I would have won that.
All right.
I'm done with this crap, Jackie.
You choose right now.
Me or him.
Yeah, who's it gonna be? - Wait.
What? No.
L- - What's the matter? You don't know? No, I don't know.
Wow.
Drama.
I know.
For a second there I almost forgot about my sister's wet, naked ass.
Oh, God! Yeah, where is Laurie? And where's Fez? That was incredible, huh? It was okay.
Okay's good enough for me.
Wow.
Yeah, I don't know if it's the mountain air or the poison from that thornbush but I slept great.
Oh, my God.
It's almost 10:30.
We're late for graduation.
Wait, wait.
Guys? Guys, where's the van? I think it's obvious, Jackie.
The Lady of the Lake stole it.
- Why would a ghost need a van? - What's she gonna do, hitch a ride? Who's gonna pick up a ghost? And you're telling me you can't decide between us? Oh, my God.
Fez and Laurie.
- They probably took it to mess with us.
- Aw, man.
I'm gonna kill 'em.
Eric, if I'm right about the Lady of the Lake, and I think I am they might already be dead.
I can't believe those morons missed their own graduation.
My whole life I waited to hear the Pinciotti name called at graduation.
When they skipped from Olendorff to Stevens a little part of me died.
Come on.
Let's get you a hoagie.
Kitty.
We've got to have a little conversation about those pills you're taking.
These things? I think they're working wonders.
You know, I didn't cry once when Eric got his diploma.
I just smiled and took his picture.
That wasn't Eric.
That was some skinny girl with a Dorothy Hamill haircut.
But it's not fair, Red.
You-You teach your children how to- how to walk, to-to use a fork to-to look both ways before crossing the street and then one day you realize all you're doing is teaching them how to leave.
We should never have potty-trained him.
Listen, Kitty.
We did the kid thing and it was great.
But now I'm looking forward to it just being the two of us again.
This is our time.
Let's enjoy it.
You're right, Red.
I don't need those.
[Laughs.]
Whenever I feel like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I'll just come talk to you.
And I'll just give you one of these.
Wow.
What a great day.
Not only did we get to miss our own graduation but we got to ride home in the back of a pig truck.
Yeah, when we went around a corner one of those pigs almost went to third base on me.
You know what? I need a shower.
Hang on.
You're not going anywhere.
- You haven't given us an answer yet.
- Yeah.
Who's it gonna be? You know what? I can't talk about love right now.
The bottom of my jeans have something brown on them.
- Where the hell have you been? - I have waited 18 years for my graduation picture.
I want you all back here at 5:00 sharp in your caps and gowns, ready to say cheese.
Is that clear? - Fine.
- Fine.
- Yes, Mom.
Hey? What kind of a moron leaves the keys in the ignition? When I put the keys in my pocket, it distracts from my natural bulge.
God! You guys, I've been thinking about Steven and Michael all day and I don't know who to pick.
Face facts, Jackie.
There's only one good man in this town and, well, he's leaving.
Eric, this is really hard.
I mean, okay.
I know I love Steven because he's smart, and he's deep and when we have conversation he makes me think.
Which used to give me a headache, but now I really like.
- So, go with Hyde.
- Yeah, but Michael.
Oh, Michael is so beautiful.
And you spend a lot more time looking at someone than you do talking to them.
Again, go with Hyde.
No, but, Donna, you don't understand.
Look, I know in a lot of ways I need Steven.
But Michael needs me.
And it's nice to be needed.
You know what, Jackie? In order to help you, and- well, just to speed this thing up- I, uh- I think you should just take everything and toss it aside and ask yourself, who do you love the most? You're right.
You're right.
That's what I should do- - Because I'm- - No, no.
Not here.
Not here.
Yeah, that's-Yeah, just- More dishes? I thought we already loaded these.
You had to bring the Millennium Falcon? Son, here's 10 bucks for gas.
No way.
Thanks.
Well, I just want to make sure that you get out.
I mean, that you get, um, all the way there.
Hey, guys, I made a decision.
So who's it gonna be? "Tall and hot" or "short and kosher"? Would you shut the hell up and let her talk? Okay, look.
I had to ask myself a really hard question.
Who do I love most? And the answer was so obvious.
It was staring me in the face the whole time.
The person I love most is me.
I love me most.
You choose you? Look, if I could run across the beach into my own arms, I would.
Wait, what- So where does that leave us? I'll figure that out after I spend the summer by the pool.
I feel this would be a lot clearer when I'm much tanner.
What a bunch of crap, man.
You know, freakin' girls.
If it wasn't for the soft skin, the legs the eyes, the long fingernails, the butts and the boobs, I wouldn't even talk to 'em.
All right.
All right.
Picture time.
Everybody get in front of the car.
Hey, Forman, I got you a plant for your new apartment - but, um, I can't give it to you in front of your parents.
- Oh! Okay, here we go.
One, two- - Guys, I have something to tell you.
- Just talk while you pose.
Kitty, be sure to get me in the background loadin' the last bunch of Eric's crap.
- Aw, man.
- Okay, here we go.
Smile.
[Flashbulb Pops.]
Okay, tell them Laurie.
I married Fez so he could stay in the country! [Flashbulbs Pop.]
You did what? Don't worry, Daddy.
I don't love him.
I was just bored.
Yeah, but we will be sleeping together.
You- Ooh.
Ooh.
- Dad, are you all right? - Uh, yeah.
I'm fine.
I'm just, uh- My arm hurts.
Red.
Red, you're all clammy.
Red, I think you're having a heart attack.
- No.
Open your eyes.
He's having an arm attack.
- Michael- Michael, get a chair.
Laurie, call an ambulance.
Okay.
Hang in there, Dad.
- Kitty? - Yes, Red? If I don't make it kill the foreigner.
So, Red's gonna be okay, huh? Yeah, he's doing better, but they're gonna be at the hospital for a while.
- Hey, you got the letter for your folks? - Yes.
I told them I'm married, and I'm not coming home.
And that people have landed on the great white head.
[Splashing.]
Yeah, that'll get there.