Bewitched (1964) s05e26 Episode Script

Oh, Mother, really.
How many times have I told you I'd rather do it myself? Samantha, it depresses me no end to see you engaged in such disgustingly mortal activities.
Well, you' re wasting your depression, Mother dear.
I enjoy painting.
Besides, this is my project while Darrin's gone.
He's gone? Oh, what delightful news.
Permanently, I hope? - He's in Chicago on business.
- Drat! And if I'm lucky, he' II be home day after tomorrow.
And if I'm lucky, he' II fall into Lake Michigan.
Here paint yourself into a corner.
Oh, hello, Mrs.
Stephens.
Mrs.
Wehmeyer, how nice to see you.
Come in.
Oh, forgive me for barging in this way but I was in the neighbourhood, and I just thought What's that? Pardon? I really must have these checked.
Won't you sit down? Well, I haven't seen you since you led the fight to save the park.
Oh, my dear, I have never forgotten that.
And, Mrs.
Stephens, frankly, we need your help again.
The park's being threatened again? Oh, no.
I'm talking about our drive to raise money for the United Nations Children's Fund.
You know how important that is.
I'd be happy to make a contribution to UNICEF.
Good.
Our committee is meeting this afternoon at the downtown community centre.
- Committee? Well, now wait - My dear, I knew I could count on you.
- But, Mrs.
Wehmeyer - The others will be thrilled to know that you' re going to join us.
But, Mrs.
Wehmeyer, I don't really think I have the time Why, dear, you' re just what we need.
Someone to lead us.
Someone to inspire us to an all-out effort.
- Me? - One o'clock, then? One o'clock.
Ta-ta.
Ta-ta.
Samantha, I have a perfectly splendid idea.
Why don't we hop on a cloud and fly off somewhere? I mean, as long as Darwin's away.
I'm sorry, Mother, but I can't.
I have just volunteered to be drafted.
Where are you going? What about the meeting? Well, it's over, my dear.
Didn't you say 1:00? Did I? Well, it doesn't matter now.
I'm afraid we've suffered a severe setback.
- Well, what happened? - I don't even want to talk about it.
We had a pledge for $10,000 from E.
J.
Haskell, the builder and now he's reneged on it.
Oh, what a shame.
What made him change his mind? - Who knows.
- You won't believe this but we can't even get ahold of him to find out.
Well, there must be something we can do.
- Well, what can we do? - I don't know.
Can't he be sued for breach of pledge? Samantha, we've tried everything.
We've written to him.
We've sent him wires.
- We haven't been able to get near him.
- But that's not fair.
- I mean, after all, he promised.
- Mrs.
Stephens? We did have one thought.
What's that? To select one member to concentrate on Mr.
Haskell for 48 hours.
Oh, well, that is a good idea.
Then you agree? - Oh, of course.
- I knew you would.
Here.
This piece of paper has Mr.
Haskell's home address and his business address.
- What? - And good luck.
They say there's a sucker born every minute but you' re trying to raise the average.
- Mother, who's sitting with Tabitha? - Hagatha.
And I'm afraid she's a little put out.
I just zapped her out of an eight-legged race.
What's that? Oh, my darling, it's all the rage.
You saddle an octopus, and you try to break it.
Come on.
I' II show you how it's done.
Mother, Mother, I can't.
I'm going to be busy trying to break a two-legged maverick.
- Murdock? - Yes, Mr.
Haskell? Where's that decorator? Wasn't he supposed to be here at 2:00? It's a she.
They' re sending a young lady.
Well, she's two minutes late.
I' II get it.
You bring the car around.
- I' II be ready in a few minutes.
- Yes, sir.
You' re two minutes late.
I am? Well, don't stand there.
Come in.
All right.
Come along.
Right in here.
Here we are.
Well, what do you think? L Pardon? Well, I'm not asking for any specific ideas.
I just want your immediate general reaction.
Oh, well, that's good.
Because it's easier to be general than specific.
That is, usually but not always although sometimes it's harder to be general.
The important thing is to know what you' re talking about, right? - Right.
- What are we talking about? About redecorating this room.
What else? Well, it certainly could use it.
Exactly.
Incidentally, I thought you did a great job at the Wilsons'.
They' re very high on you, you know? That's very sweet of them.
They' re a lovely couple.
Fred Wilson and his mother? Fred does have a problem, doesn't he? Well, I'm not needed here.
Now you look around, get some ideas.
I've gotta run.
Mr.
Haskell, I already have some ideas.
- You have? - Yes.
Mr.
Haskell, you' re a builder.
You know the importance of a good foundation, right? Right.
Don't you think the children all over the world deserve a good foundation? Sure.
But what's all that got to do with redecorating? Well, actually, I'm not your average decorator.
In fact, I'm not a decorator at all.
Who are you? Why did you go back on your pledge to UNICEF? So that's who you are.
Yes, I'm one of the housewives for UNICEF.
I'm very busy, miss.
Mr.
Haskell, I'm not leaving until I get a direct answer to a direct question.
Are you gonna make good on that pledge? No.
You don't have to be that direct.
Can't we sit down and talk this over? In a minute, you' re going to make me forget my manners.
I didn't ask you to come barging in here.
Oh, yes, you did.
As a matter of fact, you ordered me in.
Well, now I'm ordering you to get out.
What manners were you talking about? Goodbye.
And if you' re smart, you won't show your face around here again.
For two cents, I'd huff and I'd puff, and I'd blow your house down.
That's what happens when you get involved with mortals and their petty problems.
Thanks for the advice, Mother but a world full of children who need help is hardly a petty problem.
Furthermore, no one is going to slam a door in my face and get away with it.
Never show my face around here again, huh? I' II make him sorry he ever saw it.
Bye-bye, Mother.
I have to get to work.
What's holding us up? There's a truck blocking the street, sir.
Well, how did you Where's my Look, young lady, you get out of this car before l I beg your pardon, sir? - Good afternoon, Miss Blake.
- Here are your calls, Mr.
Haskell.
Oh, yes.
Thank you.
Oh, Mr.
Haskell? Don't you want your mail? No.
No.
Yes, Mr.
Hask ell? Come in here right away.
I'm going to ask you a simple question.
Look up there and tell me if you see See what, sir? Nothing.
What was the name of that psychiatrist I went to last year? Now, I want you to describe to me exactly, to the smallest detail this person you keep seeing.
Well, she's young, blonde, kind of pretty.
In fact, very pretty.
Does that mean something? Does it mean something? I' II say it means something.
- What? - I don't know.
But everything means something.
The important thing is what does it mean to you? Look, Doctor, I'm paying for answers, not questions.
But, my dear fellow, without questions there would be no answers.
Understand? No.
Now what? Your refusal to understand is symptomatic of the anxiety state and clearly indicates that your sensor refuses to permit the id to supersede.
Well, could you explain that in simpler language? Of course not.
I'm a psychiatrist, not a nursery school teacher.
- Look, I'm a busy man.
I haven't - Wait, wait.
Yeah, I think I know how to get to the bottom of your problem.
Well, it's about time.
I will give you some word images and you will say the first thing that comes into your head.
We will begin.
And no profanity, please.
- Ready? - Yeah.
- Black.
- Blue.
- Red.
- White.
Blonde.
Pretty.
- Young.
- Old.
What is it? What is it? There's that pencil.
Thought I lost it.
I don't think we' re getting anywhere.
Which is why you' re a patient, and I'm the psychiatrist.
The reason for your hallucination is obvious.
Well, what is it? Oh, boy, have you got a mental block.
Don't you see? This hallucination represents your doubts and anxieties about your marriage.
But I don't have any doubts or anxieties.
You' re getting married, and you have no doubts or anxieties? No.
My dear chap, you really are sick.
What I am saying is that I keep seeing this blonde I have to get a cigarette.
I thought you didn't smoke.
I don't, but my nurse does.
Ask me, he ought to see a psychiatrist.
What was that, my dear chap? Now, I am going to ask you one more question.
Have you got, maybe, something on your conscience? Have you, maybe, made a promise and then gone back on it and the young lady keeps reminding you? Is that possible? Doctor, Doctor! I'm seeing her now! Exactly where are you seeing this hallucination? Right there.
In that chair.
You must be joking.
There is nobody in this chair but me.
Now, let's get back to your conscience.
You're wasting your time, my darling.
Mother, if you want an appointment, just ask the nurse.
Nurse.
Nurse! You can't appeal to his conscience.
He doesn't have any.
Samantha how would you like an intelligent suggestion? From whom? I' II ignore that.
Why don't you find this little vixen he's going to marry and see what makes her tick.
Mother, you' re absolutely right.
I have to cherchez la femme.
But, Doctor, I tell you! She is sitting right here in your They' re gone.
There was more than one? Her mother was with her.
Or was it your mother? My dear fellow why don't you lie down, and let's have a little talk about your mother.
I thought that if anyone would appreciate how badly that money is needed, it would be you.
After all, you lived in India.
Well, actually, I only lived there for about a year.
Two months for the marriage and 10 months for the divorce.
But you had a chance to see how terrible the poverty is and how badly they need help.
No.
But I heard about it, of course.
Then you' II ask Mr.
Haskell about his donation? Look, I'd like to help you but I make it a rule never to ask for anything before the wedding.
But you wouldn't be asking for anything.
Just the same, he's old enough to decide a thing like that for himself.
Boy, is he old enough.
Of course.
But couldn't you just You asked me a question, and I gave you my answer.
That's right.
You did.
I'm sorry I took your time.
Okay.
I thought she'd never leave.
I thought you'd never come out.
- Well? - Mother, looks like we were right.
She's not the kind of girl one takes home to Mother, is she? Only if Mother's not home.
Oh, it's beautiful, poopsie.
Oh, it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
- But you shouldn't have.
- Why not? After all, you talked me out of making that donation and you saved me $10,000.
- And this is my commission? - Exactly.
Oh, poopsie, you' re such a doll.
I love you so.
Not at all, my dear.
Can you believe that? No.
But apparently poopsie does.
I think what's indicated here is a little dose of truth salts.
- Do you have some? - Oh, darling I never go anywhere without the tools of my trade.
- Waiter.
- Yes, miss? What is the correct time? It's about 7:30.
- Thank you.
- You' re welcome.
Oh, poopsie, I' II never forget this night.
- Would you care for the wine list? - Not right now, waiter.
Thank you.
When we' re married, we' re going to eat at home.
- Wait till you taste my cooking.
- Good.
I hate restaurants.
Once you taste my cooking, you' II be glad to go to a restaurant.
- Who said that? - You said that.
I know, but I don't know why.
Actually, I'm very good in the kitchen.
It's just that I don't know a thing about cooking.
What is this, some kind of game? No.
Really.
Believe me.
Why would I do that? You know how I feel about you.
How much I adore your money.
I don't like this game.
Oh, poopsie, where's your sense of humour? I never thought bad taste was funny.
I'm sorry.
Really I am.
All right.
Let's just forget it.
Would you like to go somewhere when you' re finished? Oh, that would be great.
Except I have a date with my boyfriend.
I think I'd better take you home.
No.
Wait.
I didn't mean that.
Let me explain.
All right.
Explain.
In fact, I've got a better idea.
Here.
Here's some cab fare.
Sorry about that.
Oh, no.
No.
You' re all I need right now.
- May I sit down? - How could I stop you? Look, I know you've had a shock, but Wait a minute.
It's just beginning to dawn on me who you are.
You' re my conscience, aren't you? - Well, you could say that.
- Of course.
And I'm not going to get rid of you until I make good on that pledge to UNICEF, right? That's the idea.
In that case, I' II do it.
Marvellous.
Now, I brought a pen and a blank check, just in case you didn't have one.
Are you kidding? I can't give you a check for $10,000.
- Why not? - You don't even exist.
You' re my conscience.
Waiter.
But, Mr.
Haskell Oh, wait till I tell my doctor about you.
He thought you represented my doubts and anxieties but you' re far too attractive for that.
Are you going to be at this all night? When I recover from dealing with my conscience l' II be glad to talk to you about my doubts and anxieties.
Till then, bye-bye.
I don't know why but I have the distinct feeling that I've been insulted.
- Martini? - Make it a double.
At it again, eh? Yes.
And I'm almost finished.
Oh, I thought you were at the underwater rodeo.
Oh, I was eliminated.
I was thrown by a bucking sea horse.
Oh, what a shame.
Would you like some breakfast? Oh, that's a lovely idea.
Then we can take off, just the two of us, and have some fun.
- Forget it.
- Don't be snippy.
Darrin came home last night, and he's still asleep.
Guess who just lost her appetite? Paint the clouds with sunshine.
- Good morning, my dear.
- Hello, Mrs.
Wehmeyer.
I've got the most delicious news.
Guess what? Mr.
Haskell came through with his $10,000 donation.
You' II never guess.
We got that $10,000 donation from How did you know? You must be psychic.
Well, anyway, dear, I rushed right over to tell you so you wouldn't waste time trying to see him.
That is good news.
He said his conscience had bothered him all day yesterday.
And then he said the strangest thing.
What was that? He asked me if I'd ever seen a blonde conscience.
- Oh, that is weird.
- Yeah.
Oh, well, I must run to the bank.
Oh, thanks anyway, dear, for volunteering.
Ta-ta.