Hogan's Heroes (1965) s05e26 Episode Script

( theme song playing ) ( whispering ): Come on.
( wind howling ) Come on, come on.
Keep moving, mates.
Let's get inside before the prices change.
There they are, Colonel.
The four escapists from Stalag 12.
Good.
Hi, fellas.
Welcome to Stalag 13.
If you'd just get in line there, we got passports for you.
We got civilian clothes, local maps, local money, and, uh, some food parcels.
Uh, I got some very nice in a brown.
Perfect for traveling.
Hey, look at the lining-- finest quality.
Used to be curtains in the guard's dining hall.
An escape center here in a prison camp? Well, we wanted to stay in a low-rent neighborhood.
HOGAN: All right, keep the line moving, fellows.
A homburg, Kinch? Come on, with his coloring? More of the, uh, Tyrolean.
How long has this been going on? Well, counting you four, we've had 519 customers.
But the guards-- the Germans could walk right in here.
Not likely.
Our commandant has far more important things on his mind.
The beginning of a long and beautiful friendship.
Oh! No, I really shouldn't.
This is my fourth.
Your fourth? ( laughs ) Ah! The searchlights.
Seeking, probing.
But then, aren't we all searching for something? Warmth, affection.
A soft shoulder.
Oh, yes, a colonel is like any other man.
The same hopes, the same dreams, desires.
Except a colonel is more lonely.
But not tonight, my dear.
Klink! Oh! General Burkhalter, what a pleasant surprise.
Surprise, yes.
Pleasant, no.
Uh, General, uh, this is Fraulein Friederich.
Uh, she's here on business.
Official business.
A most valuable intelligence contact.
She brought, uh, some papers for me to sign.
And I see you got some of the ink on your face.
Are you aware that four men escaped from Stalag 12 tonight? And last week, there were nine from Stalag 20, and three from Stalag 9.
A disgrace.
But none from Stalag 13.
My record is perfect.
You will find me eternally vigilant Where I find you is on the sofa, Klink.
This camp could be next.
I want the guards doubled and an immediate top-to-bottom inspection of every building now! Now? Now! This might be very revealing.
This is a serious situation, Klink.
These escapes are far too well organized.
There must be an underground clearing station somewhere helping these prisoners.
An underground clearing station? Without a question.
We are going to find it.
Oh, Klink, uh Yes, sir.
You go ahead with your inspection.
I left my gloves over there.
Sir, your gloves are right on your Yes, you left your gloves over there.
Yes ( door closing ) You're a very attractive young lady.
It would seem to me you could do much better than a colonel.
Is there better? There are generals.
I have this little hideaway chalet not very far from here.
It's very comfortable.
Full of meat and butter.
Think about it, my dear.
Be sure to send us a card from London, huh? And do tell 'em to get on with the war, won't you? You bet.
Good luck.
Bonne chance.
CARTER ( knocking ): Colonel Hogan? Krauts coming! All right, let's go.
Here we go.
Roll call, Schultz.
Head count at this hour, sir? Ha.
A complete waste of time.
Just because prisoners can escape from other camps doesn't mean they can escape from here.
Absolutely impossible.
Those were my words exactly.
All present and accounted for.
Naturally, Schultz.
Now, one thing you can be sure of.
When the general finally locates the underground escape station, none of my prisoners will be there.
Escape station, sir? If the general really wanted to locate such a place, he could give me the job.
A trained mind like mine.
( chuckles ) I could find it just like that.
Bet you could.
( scoffs ) Schultz.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
( sighs ) Ooh, that was close.
I don't like this one bit.
That general sniffing around.
All this extra activity.
Things are getting a bit chancy.
That can't be helped.
Try to get some rest.
There will probably be another American bomber attack on the Wissen tunnel tonight, so the woods will be full of knocked down pilots.
We'll pick up as many as we can.
Why doesn't London forget about that, Colonel? Those planes can't get to the tunnel with all that flak.
It would be nice if there were some way we could cut down all this extra work.
Well, there is.
We could blow up the tunnel ourselves.
Hey, I'm for that.
Sure make life a lot easier.
Right.
Uh, it's risky, but if you're all for it, we could give it a try.
Yeah, you can guess again.
All those extra gunners that old Klink put on-- well, they just started patrolling outside the fence, right by our exit.
Yeah, he's right.
We're bottled up.
Maybe not.
You know a way to get out? I haven't, but perhaps our commandant does.
Klink's going to help us? HOGAN: Why not? Klink is dying to uncover our underground escape center, make points with Burkhalter.
So we plant in his mind to let us escape.
He follows us, uncovers the whole setup.
Lights out.
Everybody, lights out.
Ordered by the Kommandant.
Oh, come on ( all grumbling ) Do me a favor.
All right, all right, Schultz.
Anyway, that's exactly how it happened.
Exactly how what happened? Uh, I was just explaining to the fellows how these German POWs tried to escape from an American prison camp using one of those underground rendezvous like Klink mentioned.
But the Americans solved the whole thing.
It was brilliant.
Hey, anybody see my toothbrush? How-how-how how did they do it? How did who do what? The Americans.
Oh, that.
Oh, it was quite simple.
They set up this phony escape for the prisoners so that they could follow them to the underground rendezvous.
You sure nobody found my toothbrush? Did it work? Oh, sure.
Did you ever see a toothbrush that didn't work? ( clears throat ) Herr Kommandant, Sergeant Schultz reporting.
All lights out and extra sentries posted.
Very good, Schultz.
Dismissed.
Herr Kommandant, you think it is true the story about how they found the escape center? Schultz, out.
You know where the Kommandant forced the prisoners to escape? Schultz, dismissed.
Out! And then he followed them and knew exactly where they were going.
Schultz, get out and never set foot in this room again.
Schultz! I'm going.
I'm going.
Get back in here.
Schultz, I have just come up with a brilliant idea on how to find the escape center.
Here they come.
He must have taken the hook.
Now remember, we need a couple of days to gather enough explosives, so play hard to get.
Herr Kommandant, you are going to force the men to escape? It won't be easy.
You see, they've become so accustomed to my efficient security, they've forgotten the meaning of the word escape, so, first, we must restore their desire to escape.
Good evening, gentlemen.
Look what came from the Red Cross.
American magazines.
Schultz! Conditions are very nice at home.
Apple pie.
Mm-hmm.
Baseball.
Pretty girls.
What's a girl? Ah! These are glorious days back there, especially for men in uniform just returning from overseas.
Everything their heart desires.
We certainly want to thank you for these magazines, sir.
Oh, please, please, it was nothing Oh, but it is.
And in return, we want to renew our pledge to never embarrass you by even thinking of trying to escape.
But-but-but you're not embarrassing me.
I understand these things.
It's a soldier's duty to escape.
Prisoners do it all the time.
Why, uh, only last week, uh, nine men from Stalag 20, hmm? Ah, but Stalag 20 doesn't have a Colonel Klink.
Yes, he's right.
You're the best, Herr Kommandant.
Of course.
The best there is.
Please.
Please, please, please.
Take a rest period.
Look at the magazines.
Mm-hmm.
Look at the pinup girls.
Mmm.
And tomorrow, I have a very special work detail cut out for you.
Picking up papers outside the fence.
Outside, sir? We're supposed to stay inside the fence.
Silence.
I'm in charge of keeping the men inside this camp, and when I say, you go outside, you go outside.
Now, Schultz, be alert.
Since we are shorthanded, you are the only guard.
Now, I must go back to my office.
Oh, my! I lost my rifle! I must find it, or else everybody will escape! HOGAN: You mean it, Schultz? No rifle? NEWKIRK: Oh.
Here it is.
Well, Schultz.
Oh, please, don't shoot! Don't shoot! I can do nothing! Schultz, you got to be more careful what you do with your things.
Don't worry, we won't tell Klink.
Hey, fellows, let's go back to camp.
( men whistling theme song ) Now make the hole big enough.
I want to put another gate there.
All right, all right.
That's enough for now.
Leave it like that.
You can finish it tomorrow.
Schultz, that searchlight there with the broken wire-- I want you to have it fixed first thing tomorrow morning.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
HOGAN: Uh, Colonel, if it's a broken wire, Newkirk can fix it.
He's very handy with electricity.
Have it done before dark.
No trouble at all, sir.
Request denied.
We have enough to blow up the whole tunnel.
We can go tonight.
Klink'll be happy to hear that.
He was just about ready to give up.
I've worked up this little presentation to break the news to him.
All right.
Hmm.
Hmm? Thank you.
Shall we? Yeah.
( static hissing ) Oh, I've been thinking.
That hole in the fence Maybe we could escape.
Escape from here? Carter's right.
It's a perfect opportunity with that searchlight not working.
What do you think, Colonel? Well Just think, back to baseball, clean sheets and apple pie.
What do you say, Colonel? Well Why don't we vote on it? Here are some pieces of paper.
Everyone write either "escape" or "stay" and put your vote in the envelope.
They're voting on it.
Please, an escape.
HOGAN: Here.
I have all the ballots.
This is it.
Would you hand me the envelope, please? Well, what is it? The winner is escape.
Ah! Escape! Did you hear that? Escape! My prisoners are going to escape.
They're escaping tonight.
( laughs ): I've got 'em.
I've got 'em.
You're all set, Colonel.
Yeah, explosives, timers, the works.
Fine, fine, fine.
What do we do now? Nothing.
But if we're busting out of here tonight, we need a plan.
We still haven't figured out how to get past the guards, you know.
Yeah.
That tunnel's We're going to need a car.
Fellas, you seem to be forgetting this isn't our escape.
It's Klink's escape.
You expect him to do everything? Absolutely.
He's doing quite nicely so far.
I'm sure he'll come up with something.
Ah, gentlemen.
Where is LeBeau? Ah, LeBeau, you're very good with needle and thread, right? Well, it depends We need some insignias sewn on these German uniforms.
Fix them right away.
There are five of them.
Five of them.
Yeah, and the rest of you-- there's work to be done at the motor pool.
I'll see you there.
Auf Wiedersehen.
I told you the commandant's little mind was working.
That's how he's arranged for us to get past the guards.
We're still going to need a car.
( talking over each other ) Fellas I know.
"Leave everything to Klink.
" Mm-hmm.
And, uh, how is my car running, huh? Perfect condition, sir, perfect.
Good, good.
That'll be all for tonight.
Oh, uh, Schultz, the guards have been sleeping in my car.
I want you to take it outside and park it on the road tonight and fill it with petrol.
I may want to use it in the morning.
A radio transmitter.
We will follow its signal with a truckload full of men, and they will lead us directly to the underground escape center.
Oh, Herr Kommandant, you think of everything.
Naturally.
( car door shuts ) ( engine rumbling ) Schultz, the truck is all ready, the men, the radio direction finder? Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Good, good, good.
The trap is all set.
Very accommodating.
The colonel even remembered I take a 40 regular.
The searchlight by the back fence is still blacked out.
Yeah, with his car waiting, full of gas.
The colonel certainly knows his escapes.
We should've used him before.
Just one more thing, Colonel.
Mm-hmm.
With the general cracking down, there's bound to be roadblocks between here and that tunnel.
How do we get past them? Yeah.
We're going to need a pass or something.
Yeah, looks like the colonel goofed on that.
Well, it's his first escape.
He can't think of everything.
So we're dead.
No, no, no.
We'll get a pass.
Better still, a hostage.
Where are we going to get a hostage? We'll call for room service.
( static hissing ) HOGAN: Well, I'm sorry, fellas, but it looks like we can't go through with the escape.
Why not? Yes, yes, why not? General Burkhalter has set up roadblocks everywhere.
We'd never be able to get through to the secret escape center.
That Burkhalter-- he's ruined everything.
We could take the back roads.
Yes, you could take the back roads.
Well, the general's probably got those blocked, too.
He probably has.
There is one thing that might get us through.
What's that? Well Well, what? Speak up.
If we had a hostage, we could get through.
We could grab Schultz.
Schultz, you will be the hostage.
Schultz wouldn't do it.
It'd have to be an officer, a high-ranking officer like Colonel Klink himself.
Me? Impossible.
Impossible.
Yeah, we'd never capture the colonel.
Ah, you're right.
Well, we'll just have to call off the whole escape.
No, no, no, no, wait.
I'll be right over.
Is there some trouble, Colonel? Not really, my dear.
Now, you stay right here.
Schultz, you will be in charge of the truck.
I will be with the prisoners as their hostage in command of the entire escape.
Here he comes.
Very good service, and they even deliver.
All right, now, remember, look guilty when he catches us.
Right, sir.
Colonel Klink! Good evening, gentlemen.
Uh, these uniforms, sir, uh uh We just couldn't resist trying them on.
They're so very nice.
Yes.
It's so cold out, and these are so warm.
It was easier for me to sew on them.
No matter, no matter.
I must say, they do fit very well.
Well, thank you, sir, thank you.
If I didn't know you, I would even think that you were German soldiers myself.
Uh-huh.
Very convincing.
Yes, uh, we Germans do have very smart uniforms, don't we? If we didn't have to wear side arms You see, they ruin the whole effect.
There without a gun.
Much better, isn't it? Oh, what's this? The back searchlight has not been repaired yet, huh? Colonel Klink.
What's this? You're our hostage.
We're escaping.
What should I do with this? Put it in the general's car.
Marvelous.
Just as we guessed.
A roadblock.
Hogan, you'll never get away with this.
Maybe we won't.
Maybe we ought to go back.
Then again maybe you will get away with it.
We'll have a gun pointed right at you, Commandant.
You'd better get us through.
Sorry, sir.
No cars allowed to pass without orders from General Burkhalter.
I am Colonel Klink, commandant of Stalag 13.
I'm on a special assignment for the general.
He gave us no orders.
This is a secret intelligence mission.
Now, we have no time, and I accept full responsibility.
You open up that roadblock and open it up now.
Jawohl.
Now you're being sensible.
What else can I do? You have the gun.
We'll be at the rendezvous soon.
We're going to have to blindfold you.
I understand.
Come, my dear.
We will pay a little visit to my chalet.
Just you and I and the night and the music.
( radio beeping ) ( engine starting ) Radio signal.
It's moving.
Good.
Follow them, follow them, but not too close.
Why have we stopped? We have to check maps.
Um, rendezvous spot is kind of hard to find.
( ticking ) Well, what are we waiting for? Well, uh, let me see All set.
We went a little past the turnoff.
Yes, a general is like any other man: the same hopes, dreams, desires except a general is more lonely, but not tonight, my dear.
Don't move! Halt! Heraus! Attention, attention, before I shoot you! Hands up, or we uh, we shoot.
Good evening General.
Uh, we are here? Yeah, yeah, we're here, all right.
Let's just hope I've done the right thing.
Hey, sir, here comes Schultz with a truck truckload of soldiers.
( whispering ): Get your hands up.
Get your hands up.
Hey, don't shoot.
It's just us.
It's us, Schultz.
Come on, don't shoot.
Hey, Schultz, don't shoot.
It's your old mates.
Schultz, here, destroy everything, everything! Destroy everything? Our own camp? Exactly.
Our own camp? We just couldn't go through with the escape, sir.
You've been so good to us, we just couldn't, so we came back.
( explosions ) What was that? It's the war, but don't worry, sir.
From the sound of it, I'd say it was 20 miles away.
Klink! Ah, General Burkhalter, what a pleasure to see you.
Just what is going on here, Colonel? First, your men break into my chalet, then I come here and I find your searchlight's not working, your fence down, the prisoners out of the barracks.
You see, General Burkhalter, I There will be an investigation, Colonel, and you may not be a colonel much longer.
Please, General, try to understand.
If you will just give me a few minutes, I will explain.
You see, I had a plan.
Fraulein.
Drive on.
There'll be another, sir.
So, there's an investigation.
The important thing is your perfect no-escape record is still perfect, and I know that makes you a very happy man.