I Love Lucy (1951) s05e26 Episode Script
Return Home from Europe
"Return Home From Europe" ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) (theme song ending) ANNOUNCER: And now, "I Love Lucy.
" (applause) Lucy, have you got room for this stuff in your trunk? I was just coming down to ask you the same thing.
Ethel, I told you, you were buying too many souvenirs.
Well, now, I want a lot of things to remind me of my trip when I get home.
Gee, I hate to leave Europe.
Me, too.
From the looks of things, you're not leaving it.
You're taking it with you.
Oh, Fred, you can't come home from Europe without buying gifts for your friends.
The test of true friendship does not depend upon buying gifts.
He ought to know- he's been testing his friends for 20 years.
Look at all this junk you're lugging home.
This is not junk, Fred, believe me.
Hi, Rick.
Come here.
Hi, Ricky.
Hi, honey.
Hi, dear.
Listen, I stopped by American 'Spress and I gave them our forwarding address in New York.
Hey, did they have any mail Good.
for us at American 'Spress? Oh, yes, I almost forgot.
Here.
Oh, a letter from Mother! Gee, it'll be wonderful to see Mother and Little Ricky again, won't it, honey? Yeah, it'll be wonderful to see Little Ricky again all right.
Here's a telegram for you.
How do you like that? A telegram and she forwards it in the regular mail.
It takes three weeks to get here.
Only your mother would Oh, now, honey, maybe it isn't important.
It's probably a birthday greeting or something.
I hope you're right.
Oh, no! lay, que barbaridad! Mira, es el telegram importante que estaba esperando.
What's it say? Oh, no! Lo estoy esperando por tres meses el telegram FRED: What's it say? Well, whatever it is, I have a feeling it isn't "happy birthday.
" Your mother is a a Honey, is it important? Oh, no, no.
Only the managing director of the Roxy Theater in New York, and he wants me to open there with my band for two weeks, starting next Monday! That's all.
Oh We'll make it if fly.
That's a good idea.
I'll call him and find out if the offer still stands.
All right.
Hello, operator.
Operator, I want to put a call to New York City, please.
Mr.
Rothefel at the Roxy Theater in New York City.
As soon as you can.
It's very important.
Listen, Fred, would you see if you can get a reservation on Pan American for us and the orchestra? Sure I will.
Hey, this is exciting.
We're gonna fly across the ocean.
Who said you were going to? What do you mean? I may leave you right here in Europe.
I didn't do anything.
Your mother did, and she inherits it from you.
Oh! Hello.
Yes? Yes.
Mr.
Rothefel? This is Ricky Ricardo.
Ye-Yes, sir.
I'm still I'm still in Europe.
I got your wire.
Well, I just got it today.
Well, I-I know when it was sent, but it went to my personal dead letter office.
Oh, push tush.
Well, it doesn't matter.
Look, I just wanted to find out: Does the offer stand? Wonderful.
Yeah, well, I'm just trying to find out if I can fly.
Yeah, you'll make it, Peter Pan.
I'll let you know Oh, hold it a minute.
Hey, it's all set, Rick.
There's a clipper leaving tomorrow afternoon, arriving New York the following day.
Wonderful.
Listen, it's all right.
We-we're gonna be able to fly and we'll be there in plenty of time.
Yes.
Thank you very much.
Good-bye.
Good.
Now listen.
Wait a minute.
You'd better call the steamship lines and tell them that we have to go by plane.
All right.
You see, everything's all right.
Mother didn't make such a bad mistake after all.
Hey, Rick, I'm just thinking.
The band was going home free for playing on the boat.
This way, you'll have to buy plane tickets for all of us.
Oh, who asked you? Thanks to your mother, I have to play the Roxy for two weeks for nothing.
All right, forget about the Roxy.
Let's go home on the boat like we planned.
Oh, no.
No, no.
I've been waiting to play the Roxy for a long time, and I'm gonna play the Roxy.
Oh, ho! You see? It isn't my mother's fault at all.
It's just your neurotic need to be in the spotlight.
My neurotic need to be in the spotlight? Yeah.
How do you like them apples? And close your mouth.
What apples? I hope that's a big plane we're going home on.
Got to have plenty of room for all this stuff.
Oh, no, you dunt.
What "dunt" I "dunt?" You don't take this junk on the plane.
That's what you don't dunt.
Why not? Look, they only allow you 66 pounds, and every pound over 66 costs you two dollars.
Two dollars a pound? That's right.
Everything over 66 pounds has to go by boat.
(sighing): Well, all right.
Let's see.
Oh, dear, now, I've got to take these wooden shoes to Marian Van Black.
And I got to take this bottle of My Sin to Mrs.
Trumbull, I promised her.
Oh, here's something you can ship.
That probably weighs all of two ounces.
Well, I don't care.
These other things are very important.
Look, Lucy, make up your mind, that everything goes by boat except your luggage and your clothes.
That alone will weigh 66 pounds.
All right, but there's one thing I have to take with me for sure- that cheese.
That cheese? Yes.
Now, don't argue with me.
You can't get that kind of cheese at home.
Are you kidding? This thing must weigh 66 pounds by itself.
No, it's only 25 pounds.
That's a very rare kind of Italian cheese and I promised to bring it home for a very special person.
And who is this very special person? Someone we all know and love- my mother.
Your what?! My mother, and she's a who, not a what.
Now, look, Lucy, your mother has already cost me a fortune.
And I'm not going to spend one more penny on that big hunk of cheese.
How can we get off that plane and not have a present for mother? After all, she stayed with the baby all the time we were gone.
For the money she's cost me, I could have hired Dr.
Spock.
Oh Now, look, I don't want to hear another argument about it.
I'm not going to spend one more penny for this cheese even to ship it.
Now, come on, Fred.
We've got a lot of things to do.
Okay.
Boy, there's going to be some family argument if I get off that plane without a present for my mother.
How can I get that cheese to New York? You can't.
Oh, yes, I can, now.
Ricky won't pay for taking it What do, what do they take on the plane for free? Only the clothes you're wearing.
Oh, well, that's no good.
Very few people wear cheese.
Try to think of something else besides clothes.
You thinking? Y- Yes.
I'm, I'm thinking.
Yeah, I'm thinking.
Do they charge for babies on planes? I don't think so.
Why? Oh, no.
Lucy, oh, no, Lucy.
Isn't that cute? Yeah.
Gee, that'll come in handy, won't it? Hi.
Hi, boys.
Hi, Rick.
Where's Lucy? Oh, uh, uh, she stopped to get a magazine.
She'll be here in a minute.
How much time do we have? We take off in five minutes.
Thank you.
If Lucy misses this plane Now, Rick, she'll make it.
Five will get you ten.
Don't worry, Rick.
Sit down.
She'll make it.
Yeah, well Oh, here she comes.
I told you, she'd make it.
What's she What's that? What's what? That.
What are you doing? Oh, Rock-a-bye, baby What have you got there? Where are you going? I am not the father of that cheese.
Oh come on, sit down.
Sit down here.
Look Sit down! I don't want anything to do with you or your little scheme.
I will be sitting in the lounge in the back of the plane.
Oh, Ricky.
Fred.
I thought I'd sit up here with you so we wouldn't disturb the others.
WOMAN (over P.
A.
): Good afternoon.
All of us are happy to have you aboard this Pan American President flight number 155 to New York.
Fasten your seat belts, please, and observe the "No Smoking" sign.
Thank you.
I'm Evelyn Bigsby.
Oh, I'm, uh How do you do? I'm Lucy Ricardo.
How do you do? (baby crying) No, no.
She's a little fussy.
She missed her nap.
Oh.
My, you certainly have a quiet baby.
Good baby.
Yeah, well Is it a girl? Huh? Is it a girl? No.
Oh, a boy.
All right.
Mine's a girl.
Oh.
She's four months old.
Hmm.
How old is yours? Uh four months.
Oh, big baby.
How much does he weigh? Too much? Well, how much did he weigh when he was born? Uh fif uh Eight pounds.
But he's a big eater.
Well, I think I'll take a nap.
I'm just dying to see him.
What's his name? Cheddar Uh, Chester.
My daughter's name's Caroline.
Oh, well, that's nice.
Especially for a girl.
Isn't she cute? Yeah.
May I? Oh, no, he's he's very shy.
He doesn't like to have strangers look at him.
Do you want the strange lady to see you? You don't? Oh, well, don't worry about it.
No.
No, no, it's perfectly all right.
No, I'll just tell her, that's all.
Forget about it.
He said no.
He talks? Only the last couple of months.
If you ladies will give me the babies' bottles, I'll heat them.
Oh, fine, yes.
Thank you.
There you are.
Wouldn't you like me to warm your baby's bottle? Oh, well, he isn't hungry yet.
Thank you.
Well, then, let me keep it in the refrigerator it for you.
Oh, okay oh.
Uh I didn't bring any.
You didn't bring any? You didn't bring any? Oh, well, I meant to, really.
I- I just forgot.
So, just skip it.
He can have one of mine.
Oh, no, I wouldn't think of it.
Thank you just the same.
I'll, I'll feed him when we get to New York.
But we don't get there until tomorrow.
Oh, well, it will do him good.
He's too fat anyway.
Please heat both bottles, Miss.
Thank you very much.
Oh, hi, dear.
Oh, is that your husband? Yes.
Oh, pardon me, sir.
Wouldn't you like to sit next to your wife? I'd be glad to change seats with you.
Yes, come on, dear, sit here.
Not while you have that.
He can't stand children.
Oh, well, that's a shame.
Yes, it is, especially when the baby looks exactly like him.
Here we are.
Oh, good.
Oh, thank you.
You know, this is a wonderful formula.
It's been in the family for years.
Is that so? Mmm.
Here we go, honey.
(clicking tongue) Good baby.
Yes, you're a good baby.
Drink it all up.
That's a boy.
Down the hatch.
Now, here we go.
(chuckling) He hates to drink alone.
What's in that formula? Cod liver oil.
I I think he's had enough.
Thank you very much.
Well he hasn't had any at all.
Oh, no, he's had plenty, really.
He wasn't very hungry.
Burp.
Burp.
Mrs.
Ricardo? Burp.
Yes? I've been checking my list and there seems to be a mistake.
Oh? I don't have a record of your baby on our passenger list.
Oh, that.
Well, I didn't mention it because I-I didn't think it mattered as long as babies travel for free.
Oh, but they don't on overseas flights.
Oh.
We do charge, but we charge only ten percent of the regular fare for babies.
Oh.
You can pay for the baby when you get to New York.
(whispering): Ethel, wake up.
Ethel, wake up.
Fred, Fred, stop.
Don't pull all the covers.
What's the matter? Wake up.
Huh, what? What's the matter? Complications.
Complications.
What's the matter? They charge ten percent of the regular fare for babies.
That's $30.
Oh, well, how much will it cost for the cheese? Fifty dollars.
Well, it's cheaper to have the cheese be a baby than have the baby be a cheese.
That's not the point.
Either way, Ricky will kill me.
But what are you gonna do, honey? I'll be back.
Where are you going? Ooh! I'm going to the kitchen.
Okay.
Ethel, wake up.
What, what? Move over.
What are we gonna do, Lucy? What are we gonna do? We're gonna eat it.
What?! We're gonna eat the cheese.
You like cheese, don't you? Oh, well, not enough to eat all of that.
Oh, come on now.
Oh, Lucy, I couldn't eat 25 pounds of cheese.
I- I polished off a wonderful meal.
I- I ate a-a nice, great, big steak and-and some apricot pie Hey, stop talking and eat.
Here.
Oh, Lucy, this is ridiculous.
Even I can't eat all of this.
Eat what you can.
We'll figure out what to do with the rest later.
(contented sigh) Where's your baby? Huh? Your baby- where is he? Oh, that.
(chuckling): Oh, I didn't have a baby.
(laughing) What do you mean, you didn't have a baby? I didn't.
I didn't have a baby.
It was a piece of cheese.
(screams) Stewardess! Mrs.
Bigsby Stewardess! Help! Mrs.
Bigsby What's the matter? This woman's baby's disappeared and now she claims she never had one.
No, no, no, no, no, no, that's not true.
What's the matter? I saw your baby.
No, you did not.
(all talking over each other) I've been with this department a good many years, but I've never seen a case like this.
Now, Mrs.
Bigsby claims that Mrs.
Ricardo had an object in her arms, and that that object was a baby.
I don't claim; I saw.
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh! You have no idea what you saw.
Mrs.
Ricardo says it was not a baby.
So far, this is logical.
There's a difference of opinion.
One lady is right, the other's wrong.
Yeah, well.
Mr.
Ricardo, a celebrated and seemingly rational man, says that it looked like a baby, but it was in reality a piece of cheese.
That's right.
Yeah.
Now, Mrs.
Ricardo, I'm going to ask you once more: Was there a baby? No, sir.
Then whose is this? Oh It's mine.
It's the latest thing from Paris.
Now, look, mister, mister the newsreel fellow is there.
He wants to take a picture of me and my orchestra.
Oh, he does? Yes, sir.
Now, uh, you see, th-they're getting awfully close to the deadline.
Oh, they are? Well, I thought you'd like to know.
Yeah.
I beg your pardon, sir, but I am positive Mrs.
Ricardo was carrying a baby.
Oh, no you're not, you're not positive about a thing.
Ma'am, please.
I saw the baby drinking the milk.
(shouting): Wait a minute! Did you actually see the baby's face? I most certainly.
RICKY: Oh, come now.
You couldn't miss It.
It looked just like him.
What do you mean, it looked just like me? You leave him out of it.
He had nothing to do with it.
It was a baby.
It was a piece of cheese.
Did you ever hear a piece of cheese burp? Oh Look, let me try to explain this whole thing to you from the beginning.
We were in Nice.
She wanted to bring this cheese to her mother.
All right, now, I had been telling her she had too much luggage already.
So, she thought that babies travel for free.
She took the cheese, she put a blanket around it, put the little bonnet on the cheese and took it in the plane with her.
Well, didn't you think this was rather strange behavior? For Lucy? No.
You see, I intended to pay for the cheese the minute I got here.
Oh, you did? I did.
That's right.
He told me he was.
RICKY: Sure.
Hey, Rick, we're gonna miss out on those newsreels.
Yeah, get your instruments out You don't mind if they start getting Well, yes, oh, all right, but just one question.
Where is the cheese? That's a good question.
Where is the cheese, honey? Uh, where is the cheese? Yes, where is the cheese? ETHEL: We ate it.
You and Mrs.
Ricardo ate 25 pounds of cheese? Oh, come now.
Oh, it's possible.
I've seen my wife sit down and polish off a whole Oh, shut up.
Lucy, where is the cheese? Well? Well, I'm afraid to tell you.
I am not going to do anything to you.
You promise? (shouting): I am not going to do! (wailing) You scared me! I'm sorry.
Look, I'll be glad to pay for the cheese, honey.
Well, that's not what I'm afraid of.
Well, tell me what it is.
Pardon me, Mr.
Ricardo.
Yes, sir.
We've just got two minutes and I've got to get that shot.
All right.
Would you excuse Let me take this, please.
It's very important.
Oh, go ahead.
We're working at the Roxy.
The one that you see Mr.
Ricardo, right over here.
You stand right over here in front of the band.
Yes, sir.
I'll ask you if you're glad to be home and you answer by playing "Home Sweet Home.
" Thank you.
Roll it, Vic.
All right, boys, "Home Sweet Home.
Everybody together.
Mr.
Ricardo, how does it feel to be back in the United States? (silence) What's the matter? Oh, no! CUSTOMS AGENT: So that's where you hid the cheese! Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I didn't know it'd get all gooey and everything like that.
You don't know how much trouble it was to get rid of that cheese.
I just had to get that cheese home to my mother, honey.
Oh, all I could think of was to put it in there.
I put it in the trombone- that wasn't bad- but that piccolo I thought I'd never get it in the piccolo.
If you'd only had a tuba in the band, I could've put the whole thing in the tuba.
I'm terribly sorry, honey, but I didn't know what else to do.
It'd have meant a lot to me to take a You're laughing.
I thought you'd be angry.
What are you laughing at? (laughing): It's so ridiculous.
The whole thing is so utterly ridiculous.
It is? Yeah, I guess so.
It could only happen to you.
Yeah, little old silly me.
(exaggerated laugh) You know something, Lucy? What? Being married to you is not easy.
No.
But it sure is a lot of fun.
Oh, honey! Mmm Come on, let's go home and see the baby, huh? All right, honey.
(closing orchestral flourish playing) ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: The part of Evelyn Bigsby was played by Mary Jane Croft, the stewardess was Mildred Law, the airline officer was Ray Kellogg, the newsman was Bennett Green, and the customs officer was Frank Nelson.
"I Love Lucy" is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.
" (applause) Lucy, have you got room for this stuff in your trunk? I was just coming down to ask you the same thing.
Ethel, I told you, you were buying too many souvenirs.
Well, now, I want a lot of things to remind me of my trip when I get home.
Gee, I hate to leave Europe.
Me, too.
From the looks of things, you're not leaving it.
You're taking it with you.
Oh, Fred, you can't come home from Europe without buying gifts for your friends.
The test of true friendship does not depend upon buying gifts.
He ought to know- he's been testing his friends for 20 years.
Look at all this junk you're lugging home.
This is not junk, Fred, believe me.
Hi, Rick.
Come here.
Hi, Ricky.
Hi, honey.
Hi, dear.
Listen, I stopped by American 'Spress and I gave them our forwarding address in New York.
Hey, did they have any mail Good.
for us at American 'Spress? Oh, yes, I almost forgot.
Here.
Oh, a letter from Mother! Gee, it'll be wonderful to see Mother and Little Ricky again, won't it, honey? Yeah, it'll be wonderful to see Little Ricky again all right.
Here's a telegram for you.
How do you like that? A telegram and she forwards it in the regular mail.
It takes three weeks to get here.
Only your mother would Oh, now, honey, maybe it isn't important.
It's probably a birthday greeting or something.
I hope you're right.
Oh, no! lay, que barbaridad! Mira, es el telegram importante que estaba esperando.
What's it say? Oh, no! Lo estoy esperando por tres meses el telegram FRED: What's it say? Well, whatever it is, I have a feeling it isn't "happy birthday.
" Your mother is a a Honey, is it important? Oh, no, no.
Only the managing director of the Roxy Theater in New York, and he wants me to open there with my band for two weeks, starting next Monday! That's all.
Oh We'll make it if fly.
That's a good idea.
I'll call him and find out if the offer still stands.
All right.
Hello, operator.
Operator, I want to put a call to New York City, please.
Mr.
Rothefel at the Roxy Theater in New York City.
As soon as you can.
It's very important.
Listen, Fred, would you see if you can get a reservation on Pan American for us and the orchestra? Sure I will.
Hey, this is exciting.
We're gonna fly across the ocean.
Who said you were going to? What do you mean? I may leave you right here in Europe.
I didn't do anything.
Your mother did, and she inherits it from you.
Oh! Hello.
Yes? Yes.
Mr.
Rothefel? This is Ricky Ricardo.
Ye-Yes, sir.
I'm still I'm still in Europe.
I got your wire.
Well, I just got it today.
Well, I-I know when it was sent, but it went to my personal dead letter office.
Oh, push tush.
Well, it doesn't matter.
Look, I just wanted to find out: Does the offer stand? Wonderful.
Yeah, well, I'm just trying to find out if I can fly.
Yeah, you'll make it, Peter Pan.
I'll let you know Oh, hold it a minute.
Hey, it's all set, Rick.
There's a clipper leaving tomorrow afternoon, arriving New York the following day.
Wonderful.
Listen, it's all right.
We-we're gonna be able to fly and we'll be there in plenty of time.
Yes.
Thank you very much.
Good-bye.
Good.
Now listen.
Wait a minute.
You'd better call the steamship lines and tell them that we have to go by plane.
All right.
You see, everything's all right.
Mother didn't make such a bad mistake after all.
Hey, Rick, I'm just thinking.
The band was going home free for playing on the boat.
This way, you'll have to buy plane tickets for all of us.
Oh, who asked you? Thanks to your mother, I have to play the Roxy for two weeks for nothing.
All right, forget about the Roxy.
Let's go home on the boat like we planned.
Oh, no.
No, no.
I've been waiting to play the Roxy for a long time, and I'm gonna play the Roxy.
Oh, ho! You see? It isn't my mother's fault at all.
It's just your neurotic need to be in the spotlight.
My neurotic need to be in the spotlight? Yeah.
How do you like them apples? And close your mouth.
What apples? I hope that's a big plane we're going home on.
Got to have plenty of room for all this stuff.
Oh, no, you dunt.
What "dunt" I "dunt?" You don't take this junk on the plane.
That's what you don't dunt.
Why not? Look, they only allow you 66 pounds, and every pound over 66 costs you two dollars.
Two dollars a pound? That's right.
Everything over 66 pounds has to go by boat.
(sighing): Well, all right.
Let's see.
Oh, dear, now, I've got to take these wooden shoes to Marian Van Black.
And I got to take this bottle of My Sin to Mrs.
Trumbull, I promised her.
Oh, here's something you can ship.
That probably weighs all of two ounces.
Well, I don't care.
These other things are very important.
Look, Lucy, make up your mind, that everything goes by boat except your luggage and your clothes.
That alone will weigh 66 pounds.
All right, but there's one thing I have to take with me for sure- that cheese.
That cheese? Yes.
Now, don't argue with me.
You can't get that kind of cheese at home.
Are you kidding? This thing must weigh 66 pounds by itself.
No, it's only 25 pounds.
That's a very rare kind of Italian cheese and I promised to bring it home for a very special person.
And who is this very special person? Someone we all know and love- my mother.
Your what?! My mother, and she's a who, not a what.
Now, look, Lucy, your mother has already cost me a fortune.
And I'm not going to spend one more penny on that big hunk of cheese.
How can we get off that plane and not have a present for mother? After all, she stayed with the baby all the time we were gone.
For the money she's cost me, I could have hired Dr.
Spock.
Oh Now, look, I don't want to hear another argument about it.
I'm not going to spend one more penny for this cheese even to ship it.
Now, come on, Fred.
We've got a lot of things to do.
Okay.
Boy, there's going to be some family argument if I get off that plane without a present for my mother.
How can I get that cheese to New York? You can't.
Oh, yes, I can, now.
Ricky won't pay for taking it What do, what do they take on the plane for free? Only the clothes you're wearing.
Oh, well, that's no good.
Very few people wear cheese.
Try to think of something else besides clothes.
You thinking? Y- Yes.
I'm, I'm thinking.
Yeah, I'm thinking.
Do they charge for babies on planes? I don't think so.
Why? Oh, no.
Lucy, oh, no, Lucy.
Isn't that cute? Yeah.
Gee, that'll come in handy, won't it? Hi.
Hi, boys.
Hi, Rick.
Where's Lucy? Oh, uh, uh, she stopped to get a magazine.
She'll be here in a minute.
How much time do we have? We take off in five minutes.
Thank you.
If Lucy misses this plane Now, Rick, she'll make it.
Five will get you ten.
Don't worry, Rick.
Sit down.
She'll make it.
Yeah, well Oh, here she comes.
I told you, she'd make it.
What's she What's that? What's what? That.
What are you doing? Oh, Rock-a-bye, baby What have you got there? Where are you going? I am not the father of that cheese.
Oh come on, sit down.
Sit down here.
Look Sit down! I don't want anything to do with you or your little scheme.
I will be sitting in the lounge in the back of the plane.
Oh, Ricky.
Fred.
I thought I'd sit up here with you so we wouldn't disturb the others.
WOMAN (over P.
A.
): Good afternoon.
All of us are happy to have you aboard this Pan American President flight number 155 to New York.
Fasten your seat belts, please, and observe the "No Smoking" sign.
Thank you.
I'm Evelyn Bigsby.
Oh, I'm, uh How do you do? I'm Lucy Ricardo.
How do you do? (baby crying) No, no.
She's a little fussy.
She missed her nap.
Oh.
My, you certainly have a quiet baby.
Good baby.
Yeah, well Is it a girl? Huh? Is it a girl? No.
Oh, a boy.
All right.
Mine's a girl.
Oh.
She's four months old.
Hmm.
How old is yours? Uh four months.
Oh, big baby.
How much does he weigh? Too much? Well, how much did he weigh when he was born? Uh fif uh Eight pounds.
But he's a big eater.
Well, I think I'll take a nap.
I'm just dying to see him.
What's his name? Cheddar Uh, Chester.
My daughter's name's Caroline.
Oh, well, that's nice.
Especially for a girl.
Isn't she cute? Yeah.
May I? Oh, no, he's he's very shy.
He doesn't like to have strangers look at him.
Do you want the strange lady to see you? You don't? Oh, well, don't worry about it.
No.
No, no, it's perfectly all right.
No, I'll just tell her, that's all.
Forget about it.
He said no.
He talks? Only the last couple of months.
If you ladies will give me the babies' bottles, I'll heat them.
Oh, fine, yes.
Thank you.
There you are.
Wouldn't you like me to warm your baby's bottle? Oh, well, he isn't hungry yet.
Thank you.
Well, then, let me keep it in the refrigerator it for you.
Oh, okay oh.
Uh I didn't bring any.
You didn't bring any? You didn't bring any? Oh, well, I meant to, really.
I- I just forgot.
So, just skip it.
He can have one of mine.
Oh, no, I wouldn't think of it.
Thank you just the same.
I'll, I'll feed him when we get to New York.
But we don't get there until tomorrow.
Oh, well, it will do him good.
He's too fat anyway.
Please heat both bottles, Miss.
Thank you very much.
Oh, hi, dear.
Oh, is that your husband? Yes.
Oh, pardon me, sir.
Wouldn't you like to sit next to your wife? I'd be glad to change seats with you.
Yes, come on, dear, sit here.
Not while you have that.
He can't stand children.
Oh, well, that's a shame.
Yes, it is, especially when the baby looks exactly like him.
Here we are.
Oh, good.
Oh, thank you.
You know, this is a wonderful formula.
It's been in the family for years.
Is that so? Mmm.
Here we go, honey.
(clicking tongue) Good baby.
Yes, you're a good baby.
Drink it all up.
That's a boy.
Down the hatch.
Now, here we go.
(chuckling) He hates to drink alone.
What's in that formula? Cod liver oil.
I I think he's had enough.
Thank you very much.
Well he hasn't had any at all.
Oh, no, he's had plenty, really.
He wasn't very hungry.
Burp.
Burp.
Mrs.
Ricardo? Burp.
Yes? I've been checking my list and there seems to be a mistake.
Oh? I don't have a record of your baby on our passenger list.
Oh, that.
Well, I didn't mention it because I-I didn't think it mattered as long as babies travel for free.
Oh, but they don't on overseas flights.
Oh.
We do charge, but we charge only ten percent of the regular fare for babies.
Oh.
You can pay for the baby when you get to New York.
(whispering): Ethel, wake up.
Ethel, wake up.
Fred, Fred, stop.
Don't pull all the covers.
What's the matter? Wake up.
Huh, what? What's the matter? Complications.
Complications.
What's the matter? They charge ten percent of the regular fare for babies.
That's $30.
Oh, well, how much will it cost for the cheese? Fifty dollars.
Well, it's cheaper to have the cheese be a baby than have the baby be a cheese.
That's not the point.
Either way, Ricky will kill me.
But what are you gonna do, honey? I'll be back.
Where are you going? Ooh! I'm going to the kitchen.
Okay.
Ethel, wake up.
What, what? Move over.
What are we gonna do, Lucy? What are we gonna do? We're gonna eat it.
What?! We're gonna eat the cheese.
You like cheese, don't you? Oh, well, not enough to eat all of that.
Oh, come on now.
Oh, Lucy, I couldn't eat 25 pounds of cheese.
I- I polished off a wonderful meal.
I- I ate a-a nice, great, big steak and-and some apricot pie Hey, stop talking and eat.
Here.
Oh, Lucy, this is ridiculous.
Even I can't eat all of this.
Eat what you can.
We'll figure out what to do with the rest later.
(contented sigh) Where's your baby? Huh? Your baby- where is he? Oh, that.
(chuckling): Oh, I didn't have a baby.
(laughing) What do you mean, you didn't have a baby? I didn't.
I didn't have a baby.
It was a piece of cheese.
(screams) Stewardess! Mrs.
Bigsby Stewardess! Help! Mrs.
Bigsby What's the matter? This woman's baby's disappeared and now she claims she never had one.
No, no, no, no, no, no, that's not true.
What's the matter? I saw your baby.
No, you did not.
(all talking over each other) I've been with this department a good many years, but I've never seen a case like this.
Now, Mrs.
Bigsby claims that Mrs.
Ricardo had an object in her arms, and that that object was a baby.
I don't claim; I saw.
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh! You have no idea what you saw.
Mrs.
Ricardo says it was not a baby.
So far, this is logical.
There's a difference of opinion.
One lady is right, the other's wrong.
Yeah, well.
Mr.
Ricardo, a celebrated and seemingly rational man, says that it looked like a baby, but it was in reality a piece of cheese.
That's right.
Yeah.
Now, Mrs.
Ricardo, I'm going to ask you once more: Was there a baby? No, sir.
Then whose is this? Oh It's mine.
It's the latest thing from Paris.
Now, look, mister, mister the newsreel fellow is there.
He wants to take a picture of me and my orchestra.
Oh, he does? Yes, sir.
Now, uh, you see, th-they're getting awfully close to the deadline.
Oh, they are? Well, I thought you'd like to know.
Yeah.
I beg your pardon, sir, but I am positive Mrs.
Ricardo was carrying a baby.
Oh, no you're not, you're not positive about a thing.
Ma'am, please.
I saw the baby drinking the milk.
(shouting): Wait a minute! Did you actually see the baby's face? I most certainly.
RICKY: Oh, come now.
You couldn't miss It.
It looked just like him.
What do you mean, it looked just like me? You leave him out of it.
He had nothing to do with it.
It was a baby.
It was a piece of cheese.
Did you ever hear a piece of cheese burp? Oh Look, let me try to explain this whole thing to you from the beginning.
We were in Nice.
She wanted to bring this cheese to her mother.
All right, now, I had been telling her she had too much luggage already.
So, she thought that babies travel for free.
She took the cheese, she put a blanket around it, put the little bonnet on the cheese and took it in the plane with her.
Well, didn't you think this was rather strange behavior? For Lucy? No.
You see, I intended to pay for the cheese the minute I got here.
Oh, you did? I did.
That's right.
He told me he was.
RICKY: Sure.
Hey, Rick, we're gonna miss out on those newsreels.
Yeah, get your instruments out You don't mind if they start getting Well, yes, oh, all right, but just one question.
Where is the cheese? That's a good question.
Where is the cheese, honey? Uh, where is the cheese? Yes, where is the cheese? ETHEL: We ate it.
You and Mrs.
Ricardo ate 25 pounds of cheese? Oh, come now.
Oh, it's possible.
I've seen my wife sit down and polish off a whole Oh, shut up.
Lucy, where is the cheese? Well? Well, I'm afraid to tell you.
I am not going to do anything to you.
You promise? (shouting): I am not going to do! (wailing) You scared me! I'm sorry.
Look, I'll be glad to pay for the cheese, honey.
Well, that's not what I'm afraid of.
Well, tell me what it is.
Pardon me, Mr.
Ricardo.
Yes, sir.
We've just got two minutes and I've got to get that shot.
All right.
Would you excuse Let me take this, please.
It's very important.
Oh, go ahead.
We're working at the Roxy.
The one that you see Mr.
Ricardo, right over here.
You stand right over here in front of the band.
Yes, sir.
I'll ask you if you're glad to be home and you answer by playing "Home Sweet Home.
" Thank you.
Roll it, Vic.
All right, boys, "Home Sweet Home.
Everybody together.
Mr.
Ricardo, how does it feel to be back in the United States? (silence) What's the matter? Oh, no! CUSTOMS AGENT: So that's where you hid the cheese! Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I didn't know it'd get all gooey and everything like that.
You don't know how much trouble it was to get rid of that cheese.
I just had to get that cheese home to my mother, honey.
Oh, all I could think of was to put it in there.
I put it in the trombone- that wasn't bad- but that piccolo I thought I'd never get it in the piccolo.
If you'd only had a tuba in the band, I could've put the whole thing in the tuba.
I'm terribly sorry, honey, but I didn't know what else to do.
It'd have meant a lot to me to take a You're laughing.
I thought you'd be angry.
What are you laughing at? (laughing): It's so ridiculous.
The whole thing is so utterly ridiculous.
It is? Yeah, I guess so.
It could only happen to you.
Yeah, little old silly me.
(exaggerated laugh) You know something, Lucy? What? Being married to you is not easy.
No.
But it sure is a lot of fun.
Oh, honey! Mmm Come on, let's go home and see the baby, huh? All right, honey.
(closing orchestral flourish playing) ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: The part of Evelyn Bigsby was played by Mary Jane Croft, the stewardess was Mildred Law, the airline officer was Ray Kellogg, the newsman was Bennett Green, and the customs officer was Frank Nelson.
"I Love Lucy" is a Desilu Production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.