In Living Color (1990) s05e26 Episode Script

- [Laughing.]
- In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon You see, it's never too lateand it's never too soon - Take it from me, it's a'ight to be - Hi-yah! In living color And how would ya.
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How would ya.
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How would ya f.
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How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat [Echoing.]
And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - You can do what you wan.
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wan.
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wan.
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- In living color - [Turntable Scratching.]
- In living color [Laughing.]
[Chattering.]
All right, class.
Class! Stop it! Take your seats.
Take your seats! I don't want to see any of you after school.
Good.
Now, class, we're gonna have a new student join our class today.
He's a little bit older than the rest of us.
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.
[Chuckles.]
But he wants to finish his education, okay? - Um.
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.
- Where is he? - Yeah, where is he? - [Footsteps.]
Uh, ha-ha.
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Carl Williams? You can call me the Tooth, 'cause all my friends call me that.
- [Laughing.]
- Uh.
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.
- 'Cause you have one tooth? - Well, you know, I never really thought about it.
But I do have one tooth.
Uh, I have brought you the traditional apple.
[Gasps.]
Oh, well, thank you! - Ain't no thing.
- It's got.
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It-It.
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It has a tooth bite in it.
Yeah, well see, it's all good.
See, I got hungry waiting on that.
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on that big green school bus that come pick us up, man.
Big green? That sounds like a-a garbage truck.
Hey, no wonder they had me hanging off the back of that thing.
- You know, I was thinking, it sure was stinking.
- [Bell Ringing.]
Yeah, well, what's up? Yeah! Bring it on.
Let's box.
You ain't got nothing.
You ain't got nothing.
Uh, uh, Toothy.
What are you doing? - Yeah.
I'm tryin' to get up in his head.
Whassup? - [Laughing.]
- Huh? Whassup? - Uh, Mr.
Williams? Mr.
Williams.
Mr.
Williams, please.
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.
Don't throw in the towel, teacher.
I'm telling you.
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I could take him.
He ain't nothin' but skin and bones.
Mr.
Williams, since you're new, how would you like to lead the class.
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- in the Pledge of Allegiance? - Oh, it's all good.
I pledge allegiance to.
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the United States of A-Amera.
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- America.
- Yeah, basically.
And uh, to the republic for a standing eight count.
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and after that, you should go into your neutral corners until I call for you.
No blows below the belt and you have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be used against you, and let's all stand forJudge Wapner.
- Nice try, Carl.
Would you please sit down? - Amen.
Um.
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.
[Laughing.]
Now, the subject for today is the human anatomy, all right? Now, who would like to tell me.
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how many bones are found in the human body? - Yes? - You know, I know I'm out of place and I don't mean.
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to step in front of the white girl, but I would like.
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I would like to answer the question, and I believe it is 733? [Laughing.]
No.
- No.
That's way too many bones.
- Well, you shoulda seen the X-rays.
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- after I had the Holyfield fight.
- You fought Evander Holyfield? Yes I did.
I was in the cheap seats and I was going, you know, to my seat.
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Tryin' to get by somebody? And I slipped and fell.
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'cause I was tryin' to catch my peanuts, 'cause them peanuts, they was good.
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- You know what I'm saying? - I see.
Yes.
All right, let's move on to our lab subject.
Wait, now today, we're going to dissect this frog.
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to see what the internal makeup is.
- Who would like to volunteer? - You know, I may be out of line.
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- Ah, no.
! - But I don't want to get ahead of anybody else, but.
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- Well, well.
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- but I would love to see the frog.
- Carl, of course.
Come on, now, you see.
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- [Breaks Wind.]
Oh, excuse me.
[Indistinct.]
- All right, boys, boys.
All right.
- You better chill out, Jack.
- All right, boys.
- Tevin Campbell.
All right.
What we need to do.
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- Are we ready? - Yeah.
Okay.
[Laughs.]
What we need to do.
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is carefully open up the frog's thoracic cavity with the scalpel.
- Yeah.
- Now, do you know what a thoracic cavity is? Well, basically, I have had a lot of cavities and, uh.
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- Which has left me the way I am.
- Uh-huh.
So I don't need no instrument, 'cause all I need is these gloves to open 'em up.
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'cause l.
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these are precise, you know, these are.
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- precise instruments, know what I'm saying? - Mm-hmm.
- [Grunts.]
You know what I'm saying? - [Screams.]
Oh! What are you doing? You've ruined the specimen.
Oh, you need a specimen? Well, let me run to the bathroom real quick and I'll have you.
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Mr.
Williams, I don't want to have to see you after school! Oh.
You don't or you do? 'Cause, you know, it sounded like, you know, I'm tryin' to.
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you know, get my little thing goin'.
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I'm in training right now.
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so I gotta save all my fluids, you know.
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but I'll make a exception with you, you know what I'm saying? Hey, girl! Yo, you know, you was right, Mick.
Women do sap your energy, man.
I'm crazy.
Fine.
Class dismissed.
Get of here.
I don't want to see any of you anymore.
[Bell Ringing.]
[Helicopter Whirring.]
[Funk.]
[Turntable Scratching.]
- [Man Speaking.]
- [Ends.]
[Jazz.]
From Cell Block 9,Prison Cable Network presents: Lights Out with Angel Martinez.
Featuring Tiny andthe Lethal Injection Orchestra.
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and me.
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Charlie Magic.
Now, a man who hasn't lost his appeal, he just likes it here.
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Angel.
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Martinez.
! Hi-hi! [Spanish Accent.]
Yeah, I mean, it was very cold last night in my cell block.
- How cold was it? - It was so cold last night.
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I had to set three guards on fire just to keep my feet warm.
- [Rimshot.]
- [Laughing.]
Now, let's welcome Tiny and his band.
Tiny, you are looking so good tonight, man.
Especially since I'm missingmy conjugal monthly visits.
Uh, thank you.
It's nice to be here once again with you, Angel.
Now, I would like to introduce the band.
This all them.
Now it's time to bring out our first guest.
He's the most popular inmate we have here, PeteyJohnson.
Come on out, Petey.
[Honky-Tonk Saxophone.]
- Don't try to get in my circle, man.
- Okay.
Unless you're part of the Family.
Sometimes Charlie gets very, very emotional.
Petey.
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why don't you tell us about.
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well, we already know about your little secret.
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but why don't you tell everybody about it? [Hoarsely.]
Well, I recently had a sex change.
[Chuckles.]
Thank you.
Mad Dog, down at the laundry room, did it with a few, uh.
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steam presses and some tools he stole from woodshed.
- I gave Charlie the leftovers.
- [Grunts.]
Now, let me ask you one question.
Why did you get the operation in the first place? [Sighs Deeply.]
I've always felt like a woman stuck in a man's body.
Ay, usually around here, it's a man in a man's body.
[Laughing.]
By the way, how much did that operation cost you? Listen, Angel, this operation set me back 8,000 cigarettes.
Look, I wouldn't even worry about something like that.
- Look like you better go on back and git you some bigger breasts.
- Oh, my God! Tiny! Tiny, oh man, you scared away the guest, man.
- I'm sorry.
- Get outta here, man.
Well, I guess that means it's time for stupid punk tricks.
Now remember, this is not a competition.
This is merely an exhibition.
Do we have a, uh, Rosie Negro? - [Drums.]
- [Honky-Tonk Sax.]
Rosie.
This is one big fellow.
What is his name? - Well, I call my little chicken "Fresh Meat.
" - My name is.
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- Angel! - My name is Jack Porter! My name is Jack Porter.
Ow! [Laughing.]
Isn't that very cute? [Laughs.]
Now, is your friend going to do some tricks for us tonight? Maybe he gonna let us grab on them big succulent breasts-es-es he got! - No, no, no, no.
- No, no, no, no.
Me and my pal Fresh Meat, we prepared a little skit for y'all.
- [Jack.]
What? - We happy to present a skit called "A Fistful of Puppet.
" Okay, Fresh Meat and Rosie.
Say hello, Fresh Meat.
- I have a house in Glendale.
I'm an insurance salesman.
- Say hello! - Hello.
- All right.
- Do you know why I like you better than a real dummy? - Why? 'Cause you don't give me splinters.
Get your hands off me.
I'm not yours anymore.
Okay, that means you gonna have to finish this act with Big Hands Johnson.
No.
Look.
I'm in here for tax evasion.
Someone call my lawyer.
I got to have you! I got to have you! - I want them breast-es-es.
I want them big breast-es-es.
- [Hollering.]
- How dare you? - The good news from the warden.
We just had our show renewed for another ten years.
You've got to be kidding.
Well, join us tomorrow for a cooking demonstration.
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with Jeffrey Dahmer.
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he loves dark meat.
[Show Theme.]
[Hip-Hop.]
[Ends.]
Hey, look here.
Hey, it's a single file line, man, I done told you.
Y'all stay in line, 'cause I ain't letting in nobody in with no special passes.
- I mean, nobody today.
Nobody.
You heard me, nobody.
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- Nobody! - You runnin' with.
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Ain't nobody.
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- Hi, guys.
Oh, yeah.
- W-W-When we say yes, it's Hostess.
- Yeah.
- I can go in? - Oh, yeah, you can go in, but can I go in? Hey, you ain't nobody, Cat in the Hat! Hey, man, maybe you don't recognize my voice.
I'm Cool Papa Pop.
I'm here to introduce Salt 'n' Pepa.
We're L.
A.
's funkiest hip-hop station.
WFKNY? - Is that right.
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.
WFKNY? - Yeah, yeah.
N-n-n-.
[Stammering.]
Be that as it may, guys.
I gotta get in to see Salt.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Well, be that as it may, son.
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.
I guess you big-time and all that, huh? So I guess you know everybody.
Well, tell me this.
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how big is Big Daddy Kane? Yeah, w-w-where Monie at? Monie in the middle.
W-W-Where's she at? In the middle? Look, I got no idea what you guys are talking about.
I just got.
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.
- Hey, hey, hey! - That's what I thought, man, so you need to back on up.
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to the back of the line, understand what I'm sayin'? Wait like everybody else or I'll bust you upside your colored head.
Hey, get out of here, goggles.
All right, losers.
You're gonna hear from my lawyers about this.
- Hey, hey, hey.
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- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! - Hey, hold up, Ren and Stimpy.
- Yeah.
- Where you think y'all going? - We're from the record company.
We got CDs and posters for Salt 'n' Pepa to sign.
Anyway, Yul Brynner, check this out.
You're from a record company.
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big-time, huh? Like Atlantic or Virgin or something like that, am I right? - That's right.
Please let us by.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Look.
I tell you what.
You get back with your eight-track tapes.
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.
- and you go to the back of the line, like everybody else.
- That's right.
Steven Seagal.
Look like Steven Seagal.
Yeah, Steven.
You look like Steven Seagal.
- No, I don't.
- Y-Y-Yes, you do.
Now, g-g-g-get on.
- Go ask Steven Seagal.
- I don't have time for this.
[Karate Yelling.]
[Screaming.]
That's right, bro.
You see what I'm saying.
Oh, man! This is outrageous.
- Ho, ho, ho, ho.
- Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Halle Berry from Inglewood.
Y-Yeah.
C-Coffee with.
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with a little cream in it.
Mm-hmm.
Uh, please let me by.
I own the store.
- Hey, hey, oh, oh, oh.
- Oh, yeah, sure, yeah sure, you own this store.
[Laughs.]
Betty Right says she own the store.
Uh-uh-uh-uh, you hardly o-own a decent wig.
[Laughing.]
- Wig look like a microphone.
- [Clears Throat.]
I don't know who hired you two "idjits," but action shall be taken.
"Idjits?" "Idjits?" Well, take action, Action Jackson.
Uh-oh.
L-L-Look.
- [Man.]
How about an autograph? - [Screaming.]
[TVAudience Cheering.]
Hey, hey, hey,hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- H-Hold on a minute, Wilson and Phillips.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
- [Stuttering.]
Must be a little n-n-nippy outside.
- Twin Peaks.
Yo, we're Salt 'n' Pepa, fool.
That's right, and we here for a personal appearance today.
- This is 'em! - Oh, is that right? These ladies say they S-Salt 'n' Pepa? Who are you, uh-uh-um, Mrs.
Dash, I guess.
.
.
Molly McButter - No, I'm Spinderella.
Read the sign.
- Read it, baby.
Yeah, Spinderella.
[Laughs.]
Wait, wait.
Just a minute.
Yeah, you Spinderella, where your glass slipper at? He-He with all that, um, you know, just let us in and we give you a autograph later.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! - Wait a minute.
Hold on.
You're gonna go in and be signing autographs.
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and tell people how they can make it in the business and all that stuff, huh? Exactly.
So would you all please move outta our way so we can go about our business? - Hey, hey, hey.
- Mr.
Wanna-Be-the-Man, we are Salt 'n' Pepa, okay? All right, well, if you Salt 'n' Pepa, l-I'm Public Enemy.
- [Raps.]
- [Stammering.]
[Raps.]
If you don't get out my way, you gonna have some enemies out here, now.
- Hey, hey, hey! - Okay, so you want to go there.
- You wanna go there, huh? - You wanted me to go there.
N-Next step, lingerie and aspirin.
[All Chattering.]
- [Audience Wailing.]
- Okay, okay.
All right.
Time out.
Time out.
Someone's gonna put an eye out out here.
Now, ah, is there some kind of a problem, Miss Salt, Miss Pepa? - They won't let us.
.
.
- Oh, Th-There's your problem, right here.
You see, there ain't really a problem.
What I was just trying to do was get them in.
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because, you know, they got the signs.
Well, next time, try to be a little more courteous.
That's right, baby.
Girl, he probably can't even spell the word.
Mm-hmm.
Outta the way.
I say, all right, get yourself a dictionary so you can spell.
Get a Funk & Wag.
.
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a Funky.
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a Wag.
- [Thumps.]
- [Squeals.]
- Hey man, what are you doin'? - Her perm didn't take.
Let's go on back to the old school.
- Yeah, let's go back to the old school.
- [Making Noises.]
Ladies and gentleman, EastWest recording artists.
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To Be Continued coming at you hard with "One On One.
" Hit me, child.
[Man Speaking, Indistinct.]
[Rapping.]
[Continues.]
[Ends.]