Bewitched (1964) s05e28 Episode Script

Tabitha, you promised Daddy you'd eat all your breakfast.
- I will.
- He meant today.
- Good morning, ladies.
- Oh, Daddy.
Hi, Grandpapa.
Well, look at my lovely little Tabitha.
She's outgrown the toddler stage and blossomed into early witchhood.
Where's Dennis? Dennis who? Your husband.
The M-O-R-T-A-L.
D-A-R-R-l-N is at work.
- Devastated to have missed him.
- Oh, well, he' II be devastated too.
Now, sweetheart, you finish your breakfast.
Grandpapa and I will be in the living room.
- Samantha, you look absolutely radiant.
- I do? Yes, there's a special aura about you.
So special that its vibrations have zonked across the atmospheric continuum and led me to you.
- Well! - What's happened? Nothing, except I'm happy to see you.
You ought to zonk across the atmospheric continuum more often.
I will, now that I've increased my efficiency.
Increased it? Daddy, when it comes to efficiency you are one of the all-time greats.
That's very kind of you, dear, but the truth of the matter is I'm getting a little older and a bit forgetful.
So, I've engaged an assistant.
An assistant warlock? Kind of a private secretary.
- Would you like to meet her? - Oh, I'd love to.
Miss Beecham, on duty, please.
- Hi, there.
- My daughter Samantha.
Miss Abigail Beecham.
What's your first impression? Well my first impression is that she looks - Yes? - She looks very efficient.
- Miss Beecham, tell me - Yes, my dear? Have you had much experience? As a secretary, I mean? Of course she's had experience.
Why else would I hire her? Oh, I don't know.
There might be another reason.
- Mommy, I ate all my breakfast.
- Oh, that's a good girl.
Miss Beecham, this is my daughter, Tabitha.
- Hello, ducky.
- Hello.
You' re beautiful.
Isn't she, Grandpapa? Yes, now that you mention it.
Yes, she is.
Sweetheart, why don't you run outside and play? I want Grandpapa to make me a toy.
- Tabitha, really.
- I'd be delighted, my darling.
Now, how about a nice little swing set? Okay.
That's some little swing set.
Tabitha, haven't you forgotten something? - Thank you, Grandpapa.
- You' re welcome, my dear.
That's better.
And you remember, the swing set is only temporary.
When Grandpapa goes, it goes.
Okay.
Scoot.
A strict mother, aren't you, lovey? Well, not exactly.
It's just that I feel Speaking of formidable females, how's Endora? Oh, she's fine.
When was the last time you saw her? Two or three months ago, maybe 18.
My wife and I have what might be described as an informal marriage.
That's the best kind.
I'd like to meet her someday.
That can be arranged.
Mother? - Oh, Samantha, no need to bother.
- Oh, Daddy, don't be silly.
Miss Beecham said she'd like to meet Mother and I'm sure that Mother would like to meet Miss Beecham.
Mother! Darling, did you call? - Endora, ravishing as usual.
- Maurice, how scintillating to see you.
It's Noel Coward time.
- Who is that? - Noel Coward time is over.
- Mother, that is Miss Abigail Beecham.
- This is Endora.
Nice to meet you.
She's a private secretary.
- To whom? - To me.
He hired her to increase his efficiency.
- His efficiency? In what? - My efficiency in general.
Abigail, to demonstrate your efficiency, take a little dictation, will you? Hamlet, act two, scene two.
"O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I!" He can say that again.
"O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I! Is it not monstrous that this player here But in a fiction, in a dream of passion Could force his soul so to his own conceit" and so on and so forth.
That's it.
Perfect.
Not bad.
Her typewriter needs a new ribbon, but Oh, Samantha, there's no skill to that.
Any witch can type a Shakespearean soliloquy.
But there's something about her physical dexterity.
Oh, you admit it! It isn't her skill.
It's her outward appearance.
Endora, you know me better than that.
I judge witches by their character.
Good.
In that case, you won't mind this.
- Mother, that is skill.
- Thank you.
Don't worry, Maurice.
She still has the same character.
Maybe, but I will not have you tamper with her out of spite.
- Where was I? - At the un-beauty parlour.
Endora, that reminds me of the time when you got mad when a young witch flirted with me, and you had her drafted into the army.
Oh, yes.
- What was her name again? - Attila the Hun.
Abigail, why don't you and I have a cup of coffee and let the two lovebirds reminisce? - All right.
But you pull any more tricks on me, and I' ll Abigail, don't live dangerously.
My mother has the most powerful one-two punch in the cosmos.
Come, come.
Endora, have you noticed that Samantha is remarkably vibrant? No! And please don't change the subject.
What is the subject? The subject is you and Abigail Beechnut.
- How long have you been married? - Five years.
- And your husband is a mortal? - Yep.
Well, that's one for the record.
You have a lot of courage.
I'd never do it.
I wouldn't even get married to a handsome, young warlock.
How about a handsome, older warlock? No, I'm not the marrying type.
I like to keep moving from one romance to another.
I see.
I guess wherever you go you leave behind you a trail of broken hearts.
Yes, I do.
But it takes them a couple of weeks to wipe the smiles off their faces.
Endora, have you quite finished nagging at me? I have not.
Then will you allow me a brief moment to make an observation? You have 10 seconds.
- I hate to say this, Endora, but - But what? I've come to the conclusion that you' re jealous.
I? I? You! You! Oh, that's absurd.
I haven't a jealous bone in my body.
Well, how's everything going? You leave my husband alone or I' II disintegrate you.
What did I do? Nothing.
She's jealous of you.
Oh, well, that's understandable.
Mother, have you and Daddy been quarrelling? - No.
- Yes.
I merely pointed out that your father is making a fool of himself.
Did you point it out in a nice way? Samantha, I will repeat for your benefit what I told Endora.
My relationship with Abigail is professional.
Purely.
That's right.
And thanks for defending my reputation.
There! There, you see? - They' re carrying on in public.
- Now, Mother, he's only If you have no consideration for me, at least think of your daughter.
- Oh, really.
- Oh, darling.
Try not to let this scar you permanently.
Yes, Mother, I' II try.
Daddy, at least tell Mother you' re sorry.
- Sorry for what? - I don't know.
Think of something.
Endora, if by any remote chance I've done something to offend you - Don't touch me.
- But I'm your husband.
- Not for long.
- What does that mean? I am going straight to the Witches' Council and I'm going to file for an ectoplasmic interlocutory.
- You' re kidding.
- On what grounds? On the grounds of conduct unbecoming to a warlock.
She doesn't mean it.
I'm sure she doesn't mean it.
Do you think she means it? I don't know.
We' II have to wait and see.
- In the meantime - Yes? What's for lunch? Samantha, I have to admit that, despite my misgivings so far, your marriage seems to have agreed with you.
Well, thank you, Daddy.
Wish I could say the same for yours.
My marriage agrees with me.
It's your mother who doesn't.
I don't think I've ever seen her so angry at you.
Oh, I have.
We've been through these little misunderstandings for centuries.
But has she ever threatened you with an ectoplasmic interlocutory? No.
But I suppose there's a first time for everything.
You don't seem too worried.
Yes, it' II be a difficult adjustment for me, but I' II struggle to make it.
And you' II have Abigail to help you.
Speaking of help, can you carry these two plates in for me? Didn't I just give you two plates? They' re on the dining room table together with those - Thanks.
- Come along, my dear.
- What's for lunch, ducks? I'm starved.
- Ham and cheese sandwiches.
- Oh, what else? - Potato salad.
And if you want dessert, there's ice cream.
- I want dessert.
- Yes, I know you do, sweetheart.
Sandwiches, potato salad and ice cream? What kind of lunch is that? It's a gourmet lunch, mortal-style.
I just thought I'd show you how the other half lives.
I'm not interested.
I want my regular lunch.
- Then make it yourself.
- Okay, I will.
That's your regular lunch? What do you have for dinner? Oh, dinner's my big meal.
I'm almost ready for that ice cream.
Abigail, you' re a jolly good eater.
Now, you have a nice nap, Tabitha.
And when you wake up Grandpapa is going to recite Macbeth for you, from beginning to end.
You lucky girl.
Mother? Mo We' II talk in your bedroom.
- I don't want Maurice to know I'm here.
- Okay.
What took you so long? I travelled the hard way.
Well, did you go to the Witches' Council? No.
I realized that an ectoplasmic interlocutory might be just what your father wants.
- So? - So, I won't give it to him.
- Mother, that's just an alibi.
- For what? You yourself don't want an ectoplasmic interlocutory.
- Yes, I do.
- No, you don't.
What difference does it make what I want, when your father wants Miss Abigail Beechwood? By the way, am I on Durwood's side of the bed or yours? - Mine.
- Good.
Mother, Daddy doesn't want Abigail.
Deep down, he knows that you are the only one for him.
Then what can I do about it? How about the old jealousy approach? It's corny, but effective.
Whom could we get? Dr.
Bombay's nephew.
The one that looks like Steve McQueen? He is Steve McQueen.
Besides, he's too young for you.
Well, isn't Abigail too young for your father? Well, yes, of course.
But, you see, we'd be much cleverer if we - Are you ready for this? - No.
But tell me anyhow.
John Van Millwood.
Maurice will have an absolute fit! Let's do it.
Maurice, let's go.
I'm bored.
We are waiting for me to recite to my granddaughter.
Tabitha will be up from her nap in a few minutes.
What am I supposed to do whilst you' re reciting? You can listen to me, enthralled.
Or you could whip up 30 pounds of hamburger and fix yourself a snack.
I don't want to spoil my dinner.
I dropped by to Oh, I didn't know you two were still here.
Goodness gracious, if it isn't John Van Millwood! - Oh, so you remember me, eh? - Remember? How could I ever forget? Brisbane, Australia, the annual Warlocks' Coven.
You played Brutus to my Antony an interpretation calculated to cause the stones of Rome to rise in mutiny.
Come off it, mate.
The audience couldn't understand a word you said.
Balderdash.
Hi.
I'm Abigail Beecham.
Hi.
John, you remember Samantha, don't you? I said, John you remember Samantha, don't you? - Yes.
Yes, of course.
- What a pleasant surprise.
Endora, did you enjoy yourself at the Witches' Council? Oh, I never got there.
I flew into John, and we had an intimate lunch together.
Broiled kangaroo, no doubt.
Broiled kangaroo is a taste sensation.
Or could it be that you object to us having lunch together? Oh, don't be silly.
Daddy doesn't mind Mother being friendly with other warlocks do you Daddy? - Depends on who they are.
Miss Beecham, are you a thespian? I beg your pardon? An actress, dear.
Oh, I'm a private secretary.
She keeps my husband busy, so I can be busy elsewhere.
They do make a cute couple, don't they? Like fire and water.
Miss Beecham, you have the bearings of a great actress.
How would you know? - That does not become you, Morris.
- Maurice.
Maurice.
However, I shall disregard it on the basis that Will Shakespeare always said that my interpretation of Romeo was by far the best of the warlocks.
"But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
" Great heavens! Those vowels.
I suppose you delude yourself to believe you could do it better.
Infinitely.
"It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon Who is already sick and pale with grief That thou her maid art far more fair than she.
" That was very good too, Daddy.
What do you mean, "too"? His performance was enough to make Shakespeare turn over in his grave.
Endora, I am shocked that you would associate with an untalented, fraudulent colonial.
I' II associate with whomever I please, just as you do.
- That is no comparison.
- Why not? Miss Beecham is young enough to be my daughter and he is old enough to be your husband.
Then doesn't that make their association more logical? Certainly not.
If he were youthful and handsome I could understand his attraction for an older female.
But if you find this ancient relic attractive I' II have you know, I was Mr.
Torso of Tasmania.
This ham from Down Under afflicted with an appalling speech impediment then, Endora, as your husband I am insulted to the very marrow of my bones.
I'm tired of all this arguing.
I think I'm going to find myself another job.
Come to think of it, I could use a travelling companion.
Would you be interested? I might.
Well, I'm convinced you really are star material.
- Really? - Yes.
Suppose we go someplace and discuss it, eh? Farewell, Endora; Samantha.
"Good night, sweet prince And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!" No, no, no.
The tip of the tongue, the teeth, the lips "Flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!" Talking of rest Oh, Maurice, there's no one who can hold a candle to you.
Thank you, my dear.
- Samantha? - Yes, Mother.
There is something different about you.
Some kind of an inner glow.
I've been telling her that all day.
The last time I saw her look this way was a little Samantha how old is Tabitha? That's it.
That's it.
Samantha, you' re going to have another baby.
I am? Answer the question: Are you going to have another baby? True or false? - Those my only two choices? - Yes.
Okay, then it's true.
I am.
- Oh, my darling.
- Another little nipper.
How delightful.
- Excuse me.
- Where are you going, Samantha? I'm going to call Darrin.
I had this foolish idea that after the doctor and me he'd be the first to know.
- Grandma.
- Grandpapa.
Yes, Darrin.
I will.
I will.
I won't.
I will.
I will.
Oh, thank you, sweetheart.
I'm thrilled you' re thrilled.
- Bye.
- How very exciting.
Soon there' II be a handsome little warlock the spitting image of his grandfather.
Well, it could be a mortal boy, the spitting image of his father.
Samantha, bite your tongue.
Oh, here's my precious.
Come along.
Macbeth, act one, scene one.
We open on three nice witches, stirring a great big pot.
Daddy, could you hold the curtain? I'd like to tell Tabitha too.
Please.
Come along, sweetheart.
Tabitha.
Have you ever wished for a little brother or a little sister? Sometimes, but not very often.
Well, I'd like you to start wishing it more often.
- When will it come? - In about six months.
Where is it now? Daddy and I will explain that later tonight.
Instead of television? Yes.
Sorry about that.
Now, won't that be fun, having a real live baby to play with? I'd rather have a pony.
Well, you' re gonna get a little baby.
Will it be a witch or a warlock? There's always a chance that it' II be a mortal boy or girl.
- I say a witch.
- I say a warlock.
Boy or girl? Witch or warlock? Which? Oh, good grief.