Alfred Hitchcock Presents s05e32 Episode Script

Good evening.
Did anyone see a golf ball go by? It couldn't have gone far.
I just gave it a toss.
I've been employing this means of getting around the golf course since the club voted to ban all motorized carts.
It was a ban I heartily endorsed.
By the way, since the carts were always tipping over when they ran over laggards, this slowed up the game terribly.
This system of travel also helps me comply with another rule, which was made because of the crowded condition of the course.
We are asked to play in foursomes.
But I believe you tuned in for a story.
I shall step aside and allow you to play through.
Hello.
Well, look who's here.
Sleeping Beauty himself.
Aw, cut it out, will you? What's the matter, Joe? Did the noon whistle wake you up? That late already? Boy, I must have really been pooped.
What's for breakfast? You mean lunch, don't you? I've been up since 8:00 listening to you snore.
Things aren't bad enough, you've got to watch television till 2:00 in the morning.
It was a good movie.
Don't you see enough movies? Now what does that crack mean? Oh, you know what I mean.
Don't you think I know where you spend your afternoons? I've been looking for work every day.
What as? An usher? Put your toast in.
Look, Irene, I've been to half a dozen employment agencies this week, and I went on two interviews.
They just didn't pan out, that's all.
How come they never pan out with you, Joe? How come everybody else is working and you can't even collect unemployment insurance anymore? You're gonna burn those eggs.
The papers are full ofjobs.
I can read, you know.
Yeah, they're full ofjobs, but what kind ofjobs, huh? You just don't understand the way it is with me, Irene.
You never did.
I'm not a laborer.
Then get a job in an office.
You mean a clerk's job? Yes! That's not for me.
I gotta have something with a future.
You should've taken that job my brother offered.
And sell shoes? I'd starve first.
We might just do that! Do you know that Mr.
Waters won't give me any more credit? Do you know that I haven't even got a bottle of milk in this house? Aw, what's the matter with this toast? This thing's broken, Irene.
It was all right this morning.
Oh, no! It's the electricity.
Oh, how do you like that for nerve? They cut us off.
Nerve! Nerve! We haven't paid a bill in three months! Aw, forget it, honey.
We'll get along for a while.
It'll be kind of romantic with candles around this place.
Oh, Joe.
I'm so ashamed.
I'm so ashamed.
There's nothing to be ashamed of.
We've got to get some money, Joe.
We need money! Okay, okay.
I'll go out this afternoon and take the first thing that comes along.
We need it now, we need it right now! We can't go on owing everybody.
Maybe if we asked Davey.
Oh, no, you don't! I'm not asking your brother for another dime.
Look, I'll tell you what we'll do.
I'll go out and get ourselves a loan to tide us over.
Just a small one.
And then I'll go back to that employment agency and I'll take anything they offer.
I'll dig ditches, Irene, anything.
There, does that make you feel better? Oh, Joe.
It's gonna be okay, honey.
Don't you worry about a thing.
It's gonna be all right.
I see by your application, Mr.
Helmer, that your last employment was in food merchandising.
Just what kind of work was that? I worked in a meat market.
Pardon? I sold meat in a supermarket.
Oh, yeah.
That was way back in April, according to this.
Have you been on the unemployment insurance since then? It stopped last month.
And you're married? Yes.
No children, I see.
You've had quite a number ofjobs in that time, haven't you? Route salesman, waiter, dry cleaner, printer Printer Printers do pretty well, don't they, Mr.
Helmer? Well, I, uh, wasn't exactly a printer.
I was a night watchman in a big printing plant.
I guess that's a mistake, what I wrote there.
Oh, I see.
And the purpose of the loan? Oh, it says home improvement.
Home improvement? Yes, yes, that's right.
Do you have any collateral, Mr.
Helmer? Any stocks or bonds, jewelry, anything like that? No.
Do you own a car? No.
You're not making this easy for me, Mr.
Helmer.
Now, I told you that the Friendship Corporation doesn't like to turn anyone away from its door, but you present a rather What shall I say? A bleak picture of your finances.
Look, I only want to borrow 100 bucks! I'm not looking for any million.
Well, the amount isn't the problem.
It's your credit.
You haven't worked for three months.
You haven't any collateral.
Say, what about a co-signer? Do you think you could find one? No, I don't think I could do that.
Or some relative maybe? No! I'm asking nothing of them.
Nothing! I'm trying to help you, Mr.
Helmer, but under the circumstances, I You mean I don't get the money? What can I do? My hands are tied.
Okay, okay.
If that's the way you want it.
Thank you.
Hey, mister! Mister, you all right? He's dead.
Well, you certainly took your time.
Those stairs are murder.
It's warm, you know.
The refrigerator isn't working.
I don't care.
Well? What about it? Did you get the loan? No, I didn't get the loan.
Well, you know how they are.
You can't get any money unless you can prove you don't need it.
I'm not surprised.
Well, we'll just have to call Davey tomorrow.
I won't have to call Davey.
Then what are we going to do? I don't mind candlelight suppers, only there won't be any supper.
You know that, don't you? I know.
Oh, stop it, Joe.
Come on! I'm in no mood for kidding around.
You know where I was all afternoon? How should I know? In the movies, I suppose.
You're wrong.
I was with an old pal of mine, a buddy from the Army.
I hope he bought the drinks.
He did better than that.
He remembered about some dough he borrowed from me when we were both stationed at Fort Bragg.
I got him out of a real jam once, and he remembered.
Shows there are still some nice people in the world.
Are you serious? Sure, I'm serious.
Want to see the money? Sure, let's see it.
I'm not sure I'll recognize the stuff, but let's try.
Oh, Joe.
How much is that? Almost $300.
It's exactly what he owed me.
It's about time we got a break, isn't it? Oh, Joe, this is wonderful! Now we can give $50 to Mr.
Peterson! And $100 to Mr.
Waters, so we can get back our charge account.
And we'll call the electric company Hey, take it easy, will you? Leave out about 10 bucks for a good steak dinner tonight.
We owe it to ourselves, don't we? Tonight? You really mean it? Sure, I mean it.
I'll take you to that steakhouse on 1st Avenue.
Oh, Joe! Come on now.
I gotta shave, and you put on your blue dress and we'll get going, huh? I'm starved.
All right.
"Marvin Horne, "9 East 70th Street, New York.
" Thank you, Marvin.
No.
"I am not dead.
"I am subject to a form of cataleptic illness, which may appear to cause death.
"If I am found, notify at once, "Dr.
Nelson Kruger, "Plaza 3" "I'm not dead.
" I thought you were shaving.
I've got to go out, Irene.
Out? Out where? Well, I can't explain now.
It's something I forgot, something important.
But what about our dinner? You told me to get dressed.
I've got to go out! Good evening, Officer.
Evening.
Some excitement, huh? That was an ambulance, wasn't it? Man dropped dead in the street.
You sure he was dead? Oh, he was dead, all right.
Do you know anything about it, mister? Me? Yeah, you.
Not a thing.
Just passing by, saw the ambulance.
I was just curious, that's all.
Dr.
Kruger's office.
Hello, can I speak to Dr.
Kruger, please? I'm sorry, Dr.
Kruger's not available right now.
May I take a message? Well, where is he? I have to talk to him.
He's on vacation.
If you'll just give me your name.
Look, my name's not important! Are you his nurse? No, sir, this is his answer service.
Operator.
Operator? Get me the police.
21st Precinct, Sergeant Dugan.
Look, one of your ambulances just picked up a man at 17th Street and 2nd Avenue.
About an hour ago.
What was that name again? I didn't give any name.
Look, I'm talking about the man who fell dead in the street.
The one that they took away.
I wanted to tell you that he isn't really dead.
Hey, what is this, some kind of a joke? Look, I'm serious.
The guy had a kind of an attack, that's all, but you shouldn't bury him.
Whatever you do, don't bury him! Look, Mac, I'll tell you what you do.
Come on over here and tell us all about it, huh? Come on over right now.
No, I Joe? Yeah.
Thanks for the steak dinner.
I'm sorry.
I opened a can of pork and beans.
There's still some left if you want any.
It's not exactly sirloin, but it's filling.
I'm not hungry.
You going to tell me where you went? It was nothing important.
I just forgot something at that bar, the place where I met my Army buddy.
Went back to see if it was still there.
I guess it was.
I can smell it.
So I had a couple of beers.
We have beer at home.
For Pete's sake, do we have to have a quiz program every night? Oh, Joe.
Joe, what's happening to us? This morning we were picking at each other because we didn't have any money.
And tonight, I've got a jar full of $20 bills, and Joe? It's not another girl, is it? No, it's not another girl.
Now will you just please leave me alone for a while? Sure.
I'll leave you alone.
No, ma'am, there's no law against keeping a dog in the backyard.
Long as the animal isn't giving any trouble, there's nothing we can do about it.
Yes, you let us know.
Thank you, ma'am.
Yes, sir, what can I do for you? My name's Helmer.
I'm the one who telephoned tonight.
Oh, we've had a lot of calls tonight.
What was yours about? About the dead man on 17th Street.
Oh, yes, I remember.
You're the man who said he wasn't dead.
Yeah.
Would you have a seat right over there? I spoke to Lieutenant Bates about this.
He'd like to speak to you.
Okay.
Lieutenant Bates, please.
Say, Lieutenant, you remember that DOA on 17th Street? Well, that man just came in, the one that called.
Right.
He'll be with you in a minute.
This is Mr.
Helmer, Lieutenant.
Mr.
Helmer, I'm Lieutenant Bates.
Lieutenant.
Must admit, Mr.
Helmer, that your phone call kind of puzzled me.
You sure we're talking about the same man? Yeah, I'm sure.
It was on Small, well-dressed man, gray hair, about 60? Yes, that's him.
And you don't think he's dead? I know he isn't dead! He looked pretty dead when they brought him in here.
There was no heartbeat, no pulse, no nothing.
The doctor examined him, said he was dead.
They wrote out a death certificate.
The body's in the morgue now awaiting burial.
So, you see, Mr.
Helmer, there's nothing to worry about.
He's really dead.
Now take my word for it.
You think I'm insane! You think I'm some kind of nut! I didn't say that, Mr.
Helmer.
Yeah, but that's what you're thinking, right? Only you're wrong.
I saw the guy's wallet.
He had a card in it that said he wasn't dead! We didn't find any card.
Yeah, but it was there! I saw it! How did you see it, Mr.
Helmer? Well, I saw him when he fell down and I went looking through his pockets for identification, you know? Go on.
So I saw this card! It said he was a cataleptic.
It said he might look dead, but he really wasn't.
Are you sure that's how it happened? All right.
So I took his wallet.
I thought he was dead.
I thought he wouldn't need the money anymore, that's what I thought.
Only you've got to stop them, Lieutenant! You can't let them bury him! Max? Bates.
The stiff they brought in tonight, was it transferred to the City Morgue? Yeah.
It's still in the freezer, huh? Well, showcase him, we'll be right down.
Mr.
Helmer.
Hope it's not too cold for you, Mr.
Helmer.
They keep it pretty chilly down here.
I'm okay.
Can you identify this man, Mr.
Helmer? Yeah, that's him.
That's Marvin Horne.
His name is not Horne.
It's Capper, Sonny Boy Capper.
We've known about him for a long, long time.
It's our business to know about men like Sonny Boy.
He was one of the slickest pickpockets in the country.
Till his bum heart gave out.
Pickpocket? Then this isn't Marvin Horne? Let's go upstairs, Mr.
Helmer.
We've got some talking to do.
I hear the shout of, "Fore.
" Apparently someone is counting my horses again.
I shall have to move on.
Suppose you join me at the next tee.
I found this in the rough we just passed through.
I wonder who it belongs to.
Until next week, good night.