Alfred Hitchcock Presents s05e35 Episode Script

Good evening, fellow students.
I'm glad to see everyone here.
Our dear professor is very strict about attendance.
Anyone who is absent must bring a note signed by their television repair man.
And anyone who is tardy and misses the first part of the program, must stay after school and watch the late, late show.
Perhaps you are wondering why I have this apple.
It is for the teacher, naturally.
And now we are about to take up one of his favorite subjects.
Watch closely.
He may ask questions later.
Little Tipton! Little Tipton, please! Giddyup.
Giddyup.
Come on, Nobby.
Giddyup.
Giddyup.
Hey, you there.
Giddyup, Giddyup, Nobby.
Giddyup.
My man, stop.
Giddyup.
Giddyup, Nobby.
Stop.
Giddyup! Did you hear what I said, my man? Giddyup! If you don't stop Stop! Stop! Giddyup! Stop abusing that animal! He cannot possibly pull such a load up that hill.
He's goin' to, ma'am, and he's got to.
Nonsense.
Here, gimme me whip.
Nonsense! Leave half the load here by the side of the road and come back for it.
Come on now, unload it at once.
This ain't your affair and it ain't your horse.
Hmm.
We'll see about that.
How much will you sell him for? Him? Sell him? Well, he's a valuable horse, a good horse, I don't know as I could sell him.
How much? Well, a horse like that, I couldn't let go for less than, er L10, ma'am.
L10? Yes, ma'am.
L10 for an over-worked, decrepit, beast like that? Oh, very well.
What's your name? Huggins, ma'am.
Ben Huggins.
Here.
Here, now.
You sign it.
You don't get your L10 unless you sign it.
Yes, but, uh What does it say? It says you have sold me your horse for L10.
And that you are to keep him for me.
You mean, I get 10 Got to keep him? You are to keep him and use him in your work.
He's to be well fed and not overloaded.
I shall keep an eye on my horse, and if he isn't fat, if he isn't happy the next time I see him, I shall take back my L10.
Do you understand? You mean, all I got to do for me L10, is be matey with me horse? You've got to treat him like a brother.
Make him like you.
He probably loathes you, you know.
Do he? Oh, I hadn't thought of that.
Oh, come on, professor.
Come on, lad.
Come on now.
You take a drink of water, while I nip into the pub to get a little, uh, refreshment myself.
Dear me, that's the first sign of impatience that train has shown all day.
How do you do? You must be our new governess, Miss Hope.
I'm Mrs.
Wellington.
Where's your luggage? Well I'm afraid it didn't get off the train.
Oh, how provoking.
Really these railway companies are so careless.
But never mind.
My maid can lend you some things for the night.
The children are so looking forward to meeting you.
Our last governess was not at all satisfactory.
Quite a strict disciplinarian.
We're looking for somebody more up to date.
Come along, get in.
Home please, Simpson.
Now, I must tell you something about the children.
Claude and Wilfred are very delicate.
They must never be spoken to in a harsh tone.
It wounds them deeply.
Then, Irene.
She has the artistic temperament very highly developed.
You must allow for that if she becomes a little over emotional.
I have the artistic temperament myself.
I'm sure you can control yours, Miss Hope.
And if Viola plays you a joke once in a while, you must take it in good part.
It's only youthful high spirits.
I see.
And I want them not only to be taught but interested in what they learn.
And French, of course.
I shall expect you to speak it meal times, several days during the week.
I shall speak French for four days of the week, and Russian the remaining three.
Russian? My dear Miss Hope, nobody in the house understands or speaks Russian.
That will not embarrass me in the least.
I like the children to be out of doors a good part of the day.
So healthy for them.
Yes.
Yes, I should think they would be glad to get out.
We're so proud of our house.
It was designed by Sir Cecil Pack in 1783.
His mother must have been frightened by a cathedral.
I beg your pardon? Oh, pray don't apologize.
It's just that I never cared much for neo-gothic.
No doubt you've been used to rather cramped quarters.
But you'll get used to spaciousness in time.
I'll try, Mrs.
Wellington.
Here we are.
Perhaps you'd like to see your room first.
Oh, thank you, Mrs.
Wellington.
Ah, children.
This is your new governess, Miss Hope.
Now, children you must do all that you can to make Miss Hope feel at home.
Wilfred? No, Claude.
Oh, Claude.
Wilfred.
Irene, Viola.
Gertrude, Nellie, Robert, go home at once.
I'm sure your mother's looking for you.
The Simpson children, the chauffer, you know.
Mrs.
Simpson is our laundress and she allows her children to run wild.
I don't like those children coming into the house.
Now where's Nannie? Nannie? Oh, there you are.
Those Simpson children were in again, I do think you might manage to keep them out of the house.
Miss Hope? This is Nannie.
Nannie this is Miss Hope, our new governess.
How do? Now come along, Miss Hope, I'll show you to your room.
No children, you stay down there with Nannie.
You see what I mean about Claude and Wilfred? Such shy little boys.
Oh dear, it's getting very dark.
There's no gas in this hall.
There is, however, a light in your room.
Ah yes, Rose has it all ready for you.
I think you'll be very comfortable here.
Not with those pictures.
I shouldn't sleep a wink.
They must be taken down at once.
My dear Miss Hope.
Most governesses would be very happy to have a room like this.
You are quite mistaken, Mrs.
Wellington.
After the governess' revolt The what? The governess' revolt.
Which is due to take place two weeks from tomorrow.
You will discover what a volcano you've been sitting on all these years.
Volcano? I shouldn't have mentioned it.
Now, about these pictures.
We can discuss them another time, Miss Hope.
I shall leave you now.
You may inspect the school room, if you wish.
Mr.
Wellington and I are alone tonight so perhaps you'd care to dine with us.
We shall expect you in the drawing room at 8:00.
Fill it up, please.
I want more than just a splash at the bottom of the glass.
good year for claret.
Are you an authority on wines, Miss Hope? Oh, I should scarcely care to call myself an authority.
But when one doesn't know anything about wine, I do think it wiser to consult someone who does.
I should recommend Shelton Brothers in London.
Just put yourself in their hands and you cannot go far wrong.
I hardly think that buying the wine for the household comes in your province, Miss Hope.
Uh, we have very satisfactory references about you, Miss Hope, from Canon Teep.
A most estimable man.
Drinks like a fish and beats his wife, but otherwise quite a loveable character.
My dear Miss Hope.
I trust you're exaggerating.
Oh, one must, in justice, admit there is some provocation.
Mrs.
Teep is quite the most irritating bridge player.
I wasn't surprised when her leads and declarations aroused a certain amount of brutality in the Canon.
Miss Hope, I hardly think that But sousing her with the entire contents of the soda-water siphon, that was going a little far.
You may think me hasty in my judgments, but it was practically on account of the siphon incident that I left.
I don't wish to hear any more.
I shall never allude to it again.
Miss Hope, with what studies do you intend to begin the children's education? Biology.
Biology to begin with and, uh Well, then possibly history.
Oh, history, yes, by all means, yes, history.
Now, when you're teaching them history, you must take care that they have interest in what they learn.
You must make them feel that they are being introduced to the lives of men and women who really lived.
I've told her that.
I teach history on the Schartz-Metterklume Method.
The er Er Oh, I see.
Schartz-Metterklume.
German, I suppose.
Oh, Mr.
Wellington.
What a sense of humor you have.
John, we'll leave you to your port.
That is unless you require more wine, Miss Hope? Oh no.
Oh no.
What I had was quite enough.
I shall go to my room now.
You might send me up a bottle of brandy, please.
And a decent glass to drink it from.
The only one I observed in my room was a tooth mug.
Goodnight, Mr.
Wellington.
Goodnight.
Will someone give me a light? Or am I supposed to feel my way up to this black hole? I'm sorry, Miss.
I didn't expect you up so soon.
I was going to leave a candle on the landing.
But Nannie said it might be dangerous and the house might catch on fire.
That might be a good thing.
Here we are.
I'll just turn the gas on, shall I? Thank you, Rose.
That's hardly an improvement, is it? I brought you some night clothes, Miss.
Till your baggage arrives.
I do hope they fit all right.
Well, if they belong to Mrs.
Wellington that is scarcely likely.
However, it is of no importance.
I always make the best of things.
I'll just turn the bed down, shall I? Yes.
The bathroom's just down the passage, Miss.
Thank you.
Will there be anything else? No Oh, yes.
You might find out what became of the brandy I ordered.
Oh, well, never mind.
Goodnight, Rose.
Goodnight, Miss.
Miss Hope hasn't brought the children back yet, ma'am.
And it's time they were washing their hands before lunch.
Back? Well, where have they gone? They went off right after breakfast.
Haven't been seen since.
They missed their elevenses entirely.
Now they'll be late for lunch, and the Vicar coming.
Really, this is most irritating.
Mrs.
Wellington, are you sure that Miss Hope is going to do? Never mind that now, Nannie.
Let me know the moment they come back.
I must finish this letter before the Vicar arrives.
She told cook she wanted chocolate pudding for breakfast.
So I thought it would be a good idea if we could prevail upon Lady Cecily to allow us to use her garden for the bazaar if the weather was fine.
Don't you think that's a good idea, Mrs.
Wellington? What? Oh, yes.
I'm so sorry, Vicar, but I am a bit worried about the children.
I'm sure nothing's happened to them, Mrs.
Wellington.
Unless of course they went picking flowers in the field with Hankins' bull.
Come along, children.
I see you didn't delay lunch for me.
Quite right, of course.
Good afternoon, Vicar.
My shooting coat.
Mommy, I got 64 tadpoles.
We caught them ourselves, see? See? He's the harmless kind, isn't he sweet? Look, Mommy, specimens.
Oh.
Take them away.
Throw those dirty things away.
Oh, John, how can you sit there? Go to Nannie instantly.
No, no, no, don't come near me.
Oh, Rose.
Rose? Call Nannie at once.
The fresh air makes one feel quite hungry.
Doesn't it, Vicar? Yes Do you find this system of education quite satisfactory Oh, yes.
Miss, uh Miss Hope.
Quite satisfactory.
I believe Mrs.
Wellington forgot to introduce us.
Yes, the children will learn all about the reproductive system of the frog which will lead on, quite naturally, to the higher forms of life.
Don't you think they're a little young? Dear me, no.
I shall teach them everything.
Good afternoon, Vicar.
Go to the nursery at once, children.
No, no.
The back stairs.
Go up the back stairs.
Just send my lunch on a tray to my room.
I shall take a nap, till tea time.
I like biology.
I'm going to be a biologist when I grow up and have tanks and tanks of specimens.
Indeed you're not.
Probably all caught your death of cold.
Ah, Miss Hope.
I trust you slept well? Very well, thank you.
The fresh air always makes me feel drowsy.
Do you always allow your children to have tea with you? I don't leave the care of the children entirely to the servants.
They have tea with us whenever we have no guests.
Very commendable.
However, I think it should inhibit adult conversation.
A careless word, and one finds oneself quoted in the most embarrassing circumstances.
We are not in custom to embarrassing topics of conversation, Miss Hope.
Miss Hope If the mother frog just lays her eggs and goes away, how does she know which are her babies? Frogs are notoriously indifferent to their offspring.
She doesn't care which are her babies.
Doesn't the father frog care? He's even more indifferent than the mother If possible.
Well why does she lay the eggs if she isn't fond of children.
Well, it's a biological necessity, what else would she do with them? Err, perhaps we should change the subject.
But cats like their kittens.
And dogs like their puppies.
And cows like their calves.
Do cats lay eggs? Do dogs? Do cows? Oh, Wilfred, you're so silly.
Did you ever see a cow egg? Well you see, Wilfred, the truth of the matter is Miss Hope.
Very well.
You will confine your remarks to frogs, please, children.
The Schartz-Metterklume Method covers one thing at a time.
It will be some weeks before we get to cows.
You are not going to get to cows, Miss Hope.
Not for some time, at any rate.
Since we have biology only on Thursdays.
What shall we study tomorrow, Miss Hope? Tomorrow Tomorrow I shall teach you History.
John, have you spoken to Miss Hope? Yes, er That is, no I tried to, but But what? All you have to tell her is that we don't think she is suitable for this post.
I did, but she didn't seem to hear me.
She said that she had no time for conversation, they're having a history lesson this morning and she didn't want to be distracted until after lunch.
Well, where are they now? Oh, I don't know.
Rose, where are the children? Well, I'm not sure, ma'am.
I think they're in the garden.
My stole.
My best fur.
What are you doing, dragging it about here in the dirt? Go and put something on, instantly.
Are you out of your mind, coming out here with no clothes on? Miss Hope says wolves don't wear anything under their skins.
Miss Hope.
Well, what's the meaning of this? Answer me.
Well, we're having a history lesson.
Viola's supposed to be Rome and I'm the she-wolf.
You know, the one that adopted Romulus and Remus.
Claude and Wilfred have gone to fetch the shabby women.
The shabby women? Yes.
They've got to carry them off.
They didn't want to.
But Miss Hope got one of father's rackets and said she would give them a spanking if they didn't.
So they've gone to do it.
Wilfred, Claude, let those children go at once.
What do you think you're doing? What's happening? What is going on? That's what I should like to know.
John, talk to Mrs.
Simpson.
Raise her salary.
Explain to her.
But, what shall I Miss Hope.
What is the meaning of this disgraceful, inexcusable Well, answer me, Miss Hope.
What were you doing with my children? Well, I was teaching them early Roman history.
The Rape of the Sabine Women, you know.
It's the Schartz-Metterklume Method.
To make children understand history by acting it themselves.
It fixes it in their memories.
Of course, if, thanks to your interference, your boys go through life thinking the Sabine Women ultimately escaped, I cannot be held responsible.
I consider the Schartz-Metterklume Method as irresponsible as you, Miss Hope.
You'll kindly leave here by the next train.
Your luggage will be sent after you when it arrives.
As you will.
At least I shall have started the children in the right direction.
You might keep my luggage until I wire my address.
There are only a couple of trunks, some golf clubs and a cheetah cub.
A cheetah cub? Well he's rather left off being a cub.
He's more than half-grown.
A fowl every day and a rabbit on Sunday, is what he usually gets.
Raw beef makes him excitable.
Oh, please don't bother to order the car for me.
I feel like a walk.
Oh, good day, ma'am.
Oh, good day, Huggins.
How's my horse? Is he beginning to like you any better? Like me? Why, he loves me, ma'am.
I'm delighted to hear it.
I treats him fair.
When I takes a drink, he takes a drink.
Good.
Oh, there's my train.
I mustn't let it get away from me.
Goodbye, Huggins.
Goodbye, ma'am.
I shall expect Ferdinand to have gained at least a stone by the time I see him again.
Who? Ferdinand.
My horse.
Ferdinand? Oh.
I don't know how he'll take to that.
Ferdinand.
You've always been known as Nobby, haven't you? I beg your pardon.
Are you Mrs.
Wellington? No.
Decidedly not.
You must be Miss Hope.
I don't think she's expecting you today, Miss Hope.
I should advise you to hire a conveyance of some sort and drive out to the house.
Goodbye.
Charlotte my dear, we'd quite given you up.
You know, we went to the station yesterday and the day before.
Well, where have you been, Lady Charlotte? We were beginning to worry about you.
Your luggage is far more prompt than you are, Charlotte.
The train went off without me at Little Tipton.
So I had to stay with a family of complete strangers.
It was a very interesting experience.
Really? Oh, I hope Rover hasn't been a nuisance.
He's been living in the stables with Perkins.
We've become quite attached to him.
In that case, I shall make you a present of him, Jenny, dear.
Oh.
Thank you, Charlotte.
That's very kind of you, dear.
But don't you think he'd be far happier in the zoo, with all the other animals and things? Perhaps.
Oh, now do sit down and let me pour you some tea.
How very tiresome for you, Charlotte dear, losing your train and then having to stay with those strange people.
Oh dear, no.
Not at all tiresome, for me.
I thought that was an excellent lesson on how to put idle time to good use.
And now I have a list to write on the board.
The rest of you are to be part of an experiment in sleep teaching.
This is a theory, that if a message is repeated during one's sleep, it becomes a part of one's subconscious.
This particular lesson, is unusually well fitted for this experiment, for it not only repeats it's message, but, if you aren't already asleep, it takes care of that too.
Our beloved professor, took umbrage at my remarks concerning his audio visual aids.
But I don't believe I need to finish this.
You see, our professor was teaching us by the Schartz-Metterklume Method.
He was playing the part of Louis the 16th on his way to the guillotine.
And he failed to realize that the class was filled with very dedicated Schartz-Metterklume Method actors.
Our professor will not be back next week.
But I shall.
Until then, goodnight.