Outnumbered (2007) s06e00 Episode Script

Why not let Ben drive? OK, OK.
It's a quiet road.
What could happen? Yes, OK.
Why isn't anyone answering? She's still just sitting in her car.
Are you sure you're all right? I'm fine, thank you.
I think Karen might have post traumatic shock.
You can get that after a crash.
No, you're OK.
She's on Instagram the symptoms are very similar.
I'm not sure we should call it a crash, more a clip? It'll be fine.
He's actually getting quite confident.
Will you stop doing that? It's not like he's a complete beginner.
Not helpful, Karen.
I'm not laughing at you.
Zosha has this face-swapping app and she's face-swapped with Delilah's cat.
Well, as long as you're taking no interest in a major family crisis.
- No.
- God.
The worst possible day to have an accident.
Is accident the right word? I mean, given that many neurologists argue that free will is an illusion, then really there is no such thing as an accident.
- God's sake.
- Hadn't we best go and swap insurance details with her? Hang on, I'm still holding 24 hour emergency helpline.
Which 24 hours though? A Tuesday in July.
So we're just going to spend Boxing Day in a ditch in Hampshire? We did pass a pub that was open just before Ben's clip.
Today of all days.
Sue, can I do something? Kate, you're always such a great help.
Is that some of him? Oh, maybe.
Oh, no, hang on, no.
That's just some crumbs from those Hobnobs.
Are you sure you've got the right number? Yeah, cos I got the cheerful Geordie voice saying, "Thank you for calling Super Speed Rescue.
"We will sort you out in a second.
" Research shows that Geordie voices are the most trusted.
Yeah, like you'd leave Paul Gascoigne in charge of your finances.
I'll just grab the wheel if there's any problem.
You really shouldn't keep saying that stuff, Mum.
- Thank you, Karen.
- Cos she's filming us.
- What? And if she goes for compensation she could use that as admissible evidence.
She's still doing it.
I'm not having that.
- Sue.
- People are so bloody rude now.
- Mum - No, I'm going to go and give her a piece of my mind.
- Mum - I'm going to go over there and I'm going to say Do you need any help with that? - Once we get someone to help us get the car out of the ditch we can be on our way.
- Come on.
- Ah, Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Yes! Brilliant! Sorry, no, we've just had the disabled toilet done up just before Christmas.
This will be its first outing, like, you know, so if you need to Anyway, you folks had a nice Boxing Day? Bleedin' fantastic.
Sorry, really sorry.
It's just I've been listening to a recorded message for the last half hour and it has exactly the same accent as you and Hello? Hello, hang on, you're breaking up.
So what brings you here? An accident.
Do you have Wi-Fi please? - Yeah, the password's on the menu.
- Oh, thanks.
- An accident? - Yeah.
Our car's stuck in a ditch.
You don't have some kind of container that I could put - the contents of this into? - What is it? Grandad.
It's my father's ashes.
The container the crematorium gave us broke in the car crash.
He went everywhere.
You'd think the crematorium would give you a container that could survive a small car crash, but, no.
Well, that was them all over.
The way they rushed us through.
I swear they played that salsa version of Abide With Me just because it was quicker.
Not your day, is it? Funeral and a car crash.
Oh, the funeral was months ago.
He just wanted his ashes scattered at the spot where he met Mum.
That's so romantic.
Yeah, on Boxing Day, the day he met her.
Oh, I wish I'd had the chance to meet him.
It's probably best you didn't.
As the dementia got worse he He had, um boundary issues around younger women.
Well, and older women and, erm, men he thought looked a bit like women.
It's just that on your card here, the one that guarantees to get there in an hour and a half maximum, there is no mention of "except on Boxing Day".
Wait, I'll look.
Nope.
No mention of "except if people don't fancy working" either.
Thinking about your dad? No, just remembered about Trump.
Would you like a coffee? Anyone else? Facetime me in.
Who are you talking to? Oh, it's LaPaula's 15th birthday and she's invited over Zephyr, Shazonce, Shamola and Anne.
Hi, girls.
Oh, really? Yes, so sarcasm won't get the tow truck here any quicker? So what will? Hyperbole? Bathos? Litotes? Haven't I? Can I do that now? Please? Jill, can I get you a tea or coffee? - No, thank you.
- Something stronger? - No, I'm - Something to eat? No, I'm OK.
Ow.
Are you all right? Did something to my neck in the crash.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Can we? Don't say, "sorry".
She could use that as an admission of liability.
- Karen.
- If she says you admitted guilt, - you just say you were showing sympathy.
- Karen! My advice, don't talk to her.
- Don't be so - Bit of a problem.
Seems that our breakdown cover wasn't renewed.
So how are we going to get to scatter Dad's ashes? And what's Angela going to say? Don't worry about your sister.
She's just sitting there in a jacuzzi in California waiting to find fault.
You saw how she was at the funeral.
"Why did you put him in a Mercedes hearse? "He hated the Germans.
" And how was I supposed to know that they'd get in that Reverend Schweinsteiger? Look, if she can't be bothered to come No, it's not just Angela.
- I promised Dad.
- I know.
"I promise you I will honour your wishes," that's what I said.
He thought I was that Korean woman but it still counts.
Look, we will get through it.
We have a family tradition of difficult Christmases.
Ben mistaking that sewage pipe for buried treasure.
Losing Karen in the safari park.
Ben dropping the frozen turkey on Mum's foot.
Is dropping the right word? I mean, she did actually knock the frozen Yeah, yeah.
Anyway, we will find a way of getting there, won't we? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- We will, Mum.
Well, I'm very grateful you all came, and Karen, I know your friends have organised a party and you'd really like to be there.
It's OK, I am there.
Just talking to my mum.
Aye, it's not easy, honouring the wishes of the deceased.
My dad passed away six months back, left strict instructions.
What were his wishes? He wanted his ashes thrown in the face of Mike Ashley.
Ashes to Ashley, like, you know.
We took the urn to the Newcastle-Villa match but there was too much security.
My brother reckons we might get him at the next, erm, Sports Direct AGM.
Is that one of those fitness trackers? Yeah, it's a Christmas present from my wife.
My ex had one of those.
She became obsessed about her weight, used to stand naked in front of the bedroom mirror for hours.
"I'm virtually obese," she'd say, and she was right.
Hey, there's a fella comes in here, he'd get you out of that ditch.
He's got a tow truck Billy Spaz.
Shall I give him a call? Yes.
Yes, please.
Billy Spaz? You can't say that.
Well, we're in Clarkson country here aren't we? It's Well, you'll have to have a word.
I mean, if no-one challenges that behaviour we'll end up back in the 20th century.
You are absolutely right and we will say something, but can we just wait until Billy turns up with his truck? How about this? Any good? - Uh - For your dad's ashes.
I mean, it needs emptying, obviously.
And you You'll want the label taken off.
Yeah.
So, Jill.
Tea, coffee? No, I'm fine, thank you.
Or something to eat then? Nuts? Crisps? Nibbles? Thanks, but if I wanted something to eat I'd order it.
Of course, yeah, of course.
I'm I'm not, erm Weren't the Paralympics marvellous? I hate the Paralympics.
Right.
Yes.
Because you don't like the way that Paralympians are always portrayed as heroic? No, I don't like sport.
OK.
Good.
Go on, Taser him.
Taser him! That is a video game, isn't it? Whoa.
Those girls aren't drinking, are they? No, no, they're still too hungover from last night.
That isn't strictly correct.
I've just taken nine steps, it's only counted seven.
- Fascinating.
- Which means when it says Pete.
Do you think we ought to call a taxi, because it's been over an hour now and that tow truck guy? Billy Spaz.
Yeah.
He hasn't turned up.
I'll call you a taxi.
Dad, you are going to have to talk to him about that word.
- It's offensive.
- Yes, I know Jake, just not now.
I'll try Kathy, I think she's the only driver out today since Martin breached his non-molestation order.
Hello, is that Kathy? I think I inhaled some of grandad in the incident, which is quite interesting in a way cos with every breath we're inhaling atoms of Aristotle and and Shakespeare and Einstein.
I like to think that when I fart, there's some of Hitler in there.
I can see why you did philosophy at A-Level.
And psychology, he's really getting into that.
By the way, if he asks to attach electrodes to your head, just say no.
I'm really sorry, Kate, about all the delays, we were meant to get you back to your mum's, weren't we? Don't worry about me, I'll give her a call.
She might be able to come and get me.
Isn't she lovely? I've got a feeling that "Kake" has a great future.
"Kake"? Kate and Jake.
I mean, I know we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves, but she's so good for him, and one day she's going to make a lovely mum.
What, grandchildren? I'm going to need at least another 15 years to recover from children.
Oh, God, I'm sorry, I'm just I'm going to have to loosen this boot.
Listen, Dad, Mum is going to have to slow down.
Well, me and Kate I think it's over.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Why? Because I'm going to tell her it's over.
- Oh, you're ending it with her? - Thanks for the vote of confidence.
No it wasn't that, it was God, she is going to be devastated.
No, Kate's tough.
Not Kate, Mum.
Are you absolutely certain you want to call it a day? OK.
When are you going to tell her? I'll I'll phone her, you know, after Christmas is over.
- Not Kate, Mum! - Well, you can't tell Mum.
She's got far too much to worry about and she'll let it slip to Kate.
Do you promise you won't tell Mum? Well OK.
You folks all right for drinks? Fine thanks.
Actually, no, I'm going to have a whisky.
I can have one, can't I? Of course we can.
Two.
If you knew you were going to end it, why did you invite her for Christmas? I didn't, Mum did.
Oh, yeah.
Anyway you'll have to say something soon.
Yes, I will, OK, I'll call her.
I mean, I know texting is unacceptable if you've been with someone for more than a month but doing it when she's actually there? That's savage.
In my day when you were chucking someone you didn't have the virtual option.
Although one girl dumped me by writing in felt tip on my chest when I was asleep.
I often wanted to ask her Actually, Dad, there is something else I've been Oh, God.
All right, love? Yeah, it's just the accident has upset me.
Actually, I must be pretty stressed cos my pulse is 86.
No, 87.
Now 88.
I wish I'd bought you socks.
I wonder if the stress of having a rising pulse rate is causing my pulse rate to rise.
Yeah.
90.
91.
- 96! - Do you think she really is considering a compensation claim? Hang on a sec, girls.
Look, she's faking whiplash which is what the uninformed do, because they don't know that the law was changed in November 2015.
Neck injuries are no longer a cash cow.
OK, I'm back.
I'm not! You're a big cheek.
Kate always lights up a room, doesn't she? Mm, yeah.
Very much.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
She's a keeper.
See, what I'd do if I was her is give up on whiplash and go for some kind of minor brain trauma.
See, that's where the big cash pay-outs are these days.
Karen, I think you're being a bit unkind.
I mean, we don't just assume that disabled people are scroungers of some kind.
- I don't.
- We have to treat her exactly the same as everyone else.
I am.
I'm treating her the same as any other rip-off merchant.
It's you two that are guilty of ableness-ism.
- No, we're not.
Are we? - No.
- No.
- Of course we're not.
We're being even about things.
- Yes, you are.
You're just assuming she's a good person cos she's in a wheelchair.
- Shh! - No, we're not.
I booked your taxi.
Oh, thanks, you're a life saver.
- Yeah, Kathy says it'll be two to three hours.
- What? Though with these new pills she's taking she can't cross bridges so best allow four.
Four hours? It'll be dark by then.
That's no good.
Sue, would it be so bad to scatter his ashes on another day? He left written instructions.
He was suffering from dementia.
It was the early stages.
He did ask for the Band of the Grenadier Guards to perform at his funeral.
That was just silly.
- And Pan's People.
- Look.
Scattering his ashes in his special place on his special day is the only one of his wishes that I can honour, so we need to get him there.
Look, Mum, do we? He's dead.
I'm not being mean, I really liked Grandad, a lot, but he doesn't exist any more so he won't know.
So, Ben, if on my deathbed, I asked you to scatter my ashes in a special place, are you saying you wouldn't agree to that? - No, no, of course I would.
- OK.
I'd agree to it but I might not do it, unless it was nearby like the garden.
Well, I wouldn't want you to walk all the way out there when there's a perfectly good waste disposal unit next to the sink.
This isn't just for Grandad, Ben.
It's for Mum.
Oh, she's achieving closure? Why didn't you just say? We'll find a way, Mum, don't worry.
Excuse me, what's the Wi-Fi password? smashashley123 all lower case.
Cheers.
Teenagers.
They're often kind of right in a black and white way.
Mind you the only government run by teenagers was the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia and they killed three million of their own people, so Oww.
Oh, ow.
You all right, Jill? Yeah, gone a bit dizzy.
Seeing things double.
I'll, erm, I'll fetch you a drink.
Water, or tea, sweet tea, sweet tea's good.
Must be from the crash when I bumped my head.
Just have a bit of a sit down.
Listen, if there's anything we can do, Jill, just let us know.
OK, now you're in trouble.
She's obviously looked up whiplash on her phone and changed the symptoms.
We need to subpoena her phone and internet records.
Karen, when you're a little older you'll realise that aggression is not the answer in these situations.
- Yeah, OK.
- Good.
Oh, that's just my dad, yeah.
Him and Mum are getting turned over by this disabled woman.
Karen, will you not do Pete, listen, why don't you go and have a quiet word with her? - Why me? - Cos I'm feeling emotional, for Christ sakes.
Maybe we could convince her not to involve the insurance companies and that way we could both hang on to our no claims bonus.
Yeah, maybe Ben was driving too fast but she definitely - pulled out without stopping.
- No, no, she stopped, then she pulled out, that's why Ben swerved to the right.
- He didn't swerve to the right, he swerved left.
- He did swerve to the right.
- He sort of went straight on.
- No, he went to stop and then he swerved - How could he? We drive on the left.
- No, he swerved to the right.
- He's lucky he didn't hit the tractor.
- Tractor? - What tractor? - Yeah, there was a tractor.
- I'd have noticed a tractor.
Well, we can't all be right.
But, interestingly, we can all be wrong.
This just goes to show, there's no such thing as reality.
I'll put that on the insurance form, shall I? All that's certain is that the subjective nature of perception means that we all recall different versions of events.
Like when I chased that pig down the escalator.
Yeah, we can't agree whether we were interviewed by two social workers or three.
Actually, all that's certain is that you guys need to keep your voices down cos she's filming us again.
Well, all I know is that Ben is one of the best drivers I've ever seen.
Kate, thanks, but no.
So, what's the latest? 1,761 calories.
I wonder if that takes account of my unusually fast metabolism.
Pete! What's happening with Jill? Oh, right.
She's not having it.
She seems to think that she would win any dispute against a 17-year-old with a provisional license.
And I wonder where she got that crazy idea from.
Oh, any luck with the other taxi firms? Oh, nothing so far.
Do you want some grub while you're waiting? We've got an award-winning chef.
Chef of the Year three years running in Bucharest.
Right.
So will he be allowed to stay, you know, - after Brexit? - Ah, ah, ah.
We've had four fights in here.
My ex is still incredibly angry about the vote, and she won.
Still, she is one of those people for whom, you know, the glass always looks half empty.
Right, a pessimist? No, an alcoholic.
- Katie.
- Mum! Put on a bit of weight over Christmas, have we? - Hey.
Hi, lovely Jake.
- Hi.
- And this is - Oh, the Brockmans! Oh.
Oh, I can't believe it's taken us so long to meet.
Aren't they fabby together? - Fabby.
- What happened to your foot? Oh, nothing.
It's just one of those frozen turkey-related incidents.
- You're very young.
- Oh, I had kids young.
Well, there's nothing wrong with that.
I was just saying earlier that Kate would make a lovely Hi, I'm Pete, lovely to meet you.
You the folks who had the crash? Crash isn't quite the word I'd use.
Yes, we are.
Are you? - It's Billy Spaz.
- Dad! I towed her in here, few scratches, but she looks fine.
Brilliant.
So we can drive her? Don't see why not.
I'll tell my lad to unhook her and leave her out front.
Dad, you have to say something to About the name thing.
He's right, it's wrong.
What's wrong? Well, it's just that we I think you shouldn't call him Billy Spaz.
- Well, what do you want me to call him? - Well Who's the Zafira belong to? Cos she's scrap.
The Zafira is ours.
Oh, she's yours? Well, cost you more to fix her than she's worth.
Sorry.
You look like a Volvo man.
The Volvo's mine.
- Oh, she's yours.
- Can I drive it? Will it be safe to drive with double vision? Oh, do you know, I think it's a bit better now.
So can I drive it? Well? Sorry.
Just remembered about Trump.
No, she'll be fine.
Yeah, so that's 50 quid you owe me.
Volvo man? It'll have to be a cheque.
Just make it out to Billy Spaz, with a Z.
Your name is Billy Spaz? Yeah, it's not like it's hard to remember.
Old German Jewish name.
Yeah.
Should really be pronounced Shpaaz.
- Right.
- My dad came over on the Kindertransport.
It's just that your name is sort of Have you ever thought it might be more sensible to change your name? Well, thank you very much.
But I'm very proud of my Jewish heritage.
- No, I didn't mean - Dad! - You told me to.
Just when you think that sort of prejudice is finally over.
Thank you, Brexit.
Billy! Sorry, everyone.
Look, Billy.
Mr.
Spaz Shpaaz Well, I was going to offer you a lift somewhere but I think I'll just get on with the rest of my day.
Well done, Pete.
It wasn't They I If you want to sell your car for scrap, Phil Nutter over Shellingfield will give you a tenner for it.
We'll bear that name in mind.
Nutter.
The man's name that can't be wrong, can it? - I don't know, it still - That man would have given us a lift.
I could probably squeeze you all in.
Oh, would you? Oh, thanks, that would be so brilliant.
- It gives us a chance to get to know each other better.
- I hope we're going to see a lot more of you.
Yeah.
Is it OK if I just grab a quick sandwich? - What, now? - Yeah.
- All right.
First customer.
- You are an idiot because you crashed the car.
- Boys He keeps insulting my driving.
I could take you right now, so easily.
- Whatever.
- Jake, he could take any of us, with the possible exception of Karen.
I let you puny weaklings live just for my amusement.
Put me down! No, we talked about this.
Put me down.
Your family are such fun.
From the outside, yeah.
Phoenix? Billy Bob? What are you doing? Oh, you remember my mate, Janice? Was she the one that decided she was a boy? He decided he was a boy.
Well, we're all just chipping in with idea for names.
Right now the front runners are Nimrod and Kevin.
Oh, yeah, no, sorry, I was just talking to my brother.
No, no, not the cool one.
I just wanted to say it's been lovely spending Christmas with you.
It's been lovely for us too, having a young person in the house who doesn't expect us to find their pants.
Sorry.
I probably shouldn't have mentioned your pants.
Ah, well, that's fine.
Yeah, we're only 15 miles from where we scatter the ashes.
Anyway, I've had a lovely Christmas.
Us too, we must try and stay in touch.
Yeah, yeah Stay in touch? Why wouldn't we stay in touch? Well, we would.
Which is why we mustn't not stay in touch.
Jake's splitting up with me, isn't he? No.
Definitely not.
What, so he's told you he isn't splitting up with me? No, he just looks like he isn't.
- Is this because of the Canterbury job? - He's got a job? Yes, now, would you tell me the truth, please.
I'd rather not.
Look, if you ask me, he's making a mistake.
So he is ditching me?! Is there any chance you could not say anything to Jake? It's just that I've promised him I wouldn't.
So let me get this right.
You'd like me to act surprised when he finally decides to tell me? Well I'll say this for you, you're not a born liar.
Drink? Yes, please.
I brought you some tea.
Oh, well, actually I was just about to - Hi, I'm Karen.
- Hi.
I've got a teacher who has MS so I know that life can be really tough for the disabled.
You know, most people, they see the wheelchair and not the person.
Well, that's certainly true.
Well, I see the person the person that's trying to rip off my mum and dad.
Oh, oh.
You know, I'm I'm feeling dizzy again.
Maybe I'd better call an ambulance.
You'll need your phone for that.
You stole my phone? I'm returning your phone.
I noticed there were several texts sent around the time of the accident, one half-finished at 11:07 right as the accident happened.
And did you show these texts to your mum and dad? No, just to LaPaula, Shazonce, Shamola and Anne.
I screenshotted them and shared them, just for the record.
Enjoy your tea.
How's the pulse rate? Oh, it's way up.
Mind you, I have burnt over 2,000 calories now.
Probably burnt off quite a lot just by constantly looking at it.
- Mum.
- Oh, hi, Babs.
Sorry, are you ready to go? What the hell does your son think he's playing at? - Sorry? - Nobody treats my girl like that.
Where is he? - Ah, OK, well And what sort of person gets his dad to do the dirty for him, eh? - Well, no, that's not actually - No, no, you should be ashamed of yourself.
- Mum, let's go.
- No, not till I've spoken to Jake.
Spoken to him about what? Me and Jake are splitting up.
Oh, no.
Why? Well, can't you give him another chance? He's splitting up with me! Really? That That's awful.
I didn't know.
He knew.
You knew? Well, let me provide some context here.
You knew and you didn't tell me.
- I didn't tell anyone.
- Apart from Kate.
You told Kate that Jake was breaking up with her? Well, no, technically that's not correct, I tried not to tell her.
Does anyone want to know the football scores because Arsenal are absolutely? - Well, cheers, Dad.
- I didn't say anything.
- Kate, look, just - Let's go, Mum.
- Can I just have one second? - Put it in a text, Jake.
Despicable.
Babs, I'm sorry about this, I really am.
Are we still OK for the lift? OK, no, sorry, fair enough.
Stay in touch.
I have to speak to her.
Kate! Kate! How's the foot? Did your dad specify a particular Boxing Day? My brother just dumped his girlfriend.
No, not that brother, I said girlfriend.
My mum is going to go mental when he comes back.
He's coming back.
- They almost ran me down.
- What is wrong with you? Oh, Mum, please.
A lovely, intelligent, beautiful girl and you ditch her.
Are you mad? - Eh? - I mean let's face it, Jake, you were batting way out of your league.
Oh, and thank you for the vote of confidence.
And now you've gone and broken that poor girl's heart, and cost us our lift.
That's an interesting question, cos did Jake cost us our lift, or did Dad? I didn't tell her.
She sort of deduced it.
How did she deduce it? - Well - I think it was the hesitations.
- Yeah, thank you, Brian.
- After you said "stay in touch".
Stay in touch?! It just came out.
That's interesting though, isn't it? That she immediately guessed.
Maybe at some subliminal, subconscious level, she Shut up, Ben.
That's a bit rude.
- What can I get you? - Can I have a packet of crisps? She's just worried that she won't be able to fulfil Grandad's wishes.
The best we can hope for I suppose is that our taxi turns up soon.
Actually, I'm pretty sure Grandad told me he met Grandma at a dogfight in Singapore.
I think he told me it was a bus stop in Ipswich.
He told me it was on a tram.
Right.
Actually, come to think of it, he told me it was at a Lovely Legs competition in Butlin's.
Just goes to show, if memory is so subjective, is there such a thing as history? Yes, there is, cos I'm a history teacher and we need the money.
So if no-one knows where he met her, does it matter where we scatter his ashes? Does anything matter? Ascribing an existential meaning Shut up, Ben.
Also rude.
I haven't calmed down.
I've just come to get my scarf.
Hey, Mum, Mum.
Look, I'm sorry I lost us the lift, OK, and I know Kate is a very, very lovely girl, and I'm very fond of her.
But, Mum, ultimately we are very different people, and it would also be difficult because I've been waiting to tell you, I've got this job.
- You've got a job? - Yeah, in Canterbury.
Oh, great.
Something else you didn't tell me.
There wasn't time.
Kate told me, I didn't mean Look, the great thing is, he's found something when he's been looking for so long.
Yeah.
It's great.
Well done, love, that's great.
So what's the job? Oh, it's for a start up, just sourcing local ethical furniture and linking it with the retailers.
I mean, obviously it's a pretty long way away.
Well, it's not that bad, I mean what's the quickest way to Canterbury? Well, a plane.
Plane? No, no, no, you need the M2 and then the A2 from Faversham.
Ah.
Yeah, you see, it's actually Canterbury, New Zealand.
Sorry, I thought you knew that.
No, no.
Kate didn't get that far.
New Zealand that's That's like Australia.
Mm.
But that's great, that's great.
- That's brilliant.
- Well done.
- Well done.
- It's exciting.
- Well done, it'll be a real adventure for you.
- And how long's it for? - Well, the contract is for two years.
Two years.
That's That's excellent.
- Well, that's great.
That's a That's a really good - Wow.
- length of contract.
- Really good.
I mean, two years minimum.
Could be longer.
It will go really fast, won't it? Yeah, well done you.
Brilliant.
Really, really, really Totally brilliant, totally, totally, absolutely brilliant.
Brian's just told me that our cab lady has had to return to base for her medication.
What are you looking at? Text from Angela "How did it go? Am waiting for you to upload video.
" New Zealand.
That's actually further than Australia.
We can Skype.
There's Snapchat.
Facebook if he lets us friend him.
Instagram.
Two years.
Maybe he'll never come home.
Maybe he'll meet a nice New Zealand girl and we'll have - grandchildren we never meet.
- Sue Oh, why am I putting us all through this stupid ashes thing? Why don't we just admit defeat and get home? - You sure? - Yes.
Listen, I can't leave the bar but I see how desperate you are, so you can borrow my car if you like.
Really? Aye, no sweat.
Brian, that is incredibly kind.
OK.
OK, team, wagon's roll.
It's a bit sticky in second.
Hang on, I can't drive, I'm over the limit.
Oh, me too, yeah.
- Well, I can't drive with this foot.
- I can drive.
You're not far over the limit? - You'd be fine, Dad, I mean - You can drive.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I can't have someone who's over the limit drive my car.
I'm a publican, they'd shut me down.
It'll be fine.
I'll drive.
It'll be good for my confidence.
Is your foot that bad? - I can't press down on it.
- You can just use - the other one, Mum.
- You're walking.
All right, listen.
I won't drive fast, and the way I see it, either I drive or Grandad's wishes just don't get honoured.
OK, come on.
I could wait here.
No, come on.
Jesus, look at that heart rate.
It's just up here.
I can't believe we've actually made it.
My driving was OK, wasn't it? It was not bad at all.
Yeah, like, I didn't go too fast.
No, no.
Well, maybe just that one bit.
- What bit? - The bit when you hit the chicken.
You're not supposed to swerve to avoid animals.
Well, if they're in a coop, I think you probably are.
It wasn't actually in its coop, it was loitering round it.
A loitering chicken? Are you mental? OK, OK.
We're here and that's what matters.
Yeah, and it feels like our luck has finally changed.
There it is.
Dad's bench.
- Hopefully the weather will hold.
- I wouldn't worry.
Jake's got the brollies.
- What? What? - What the hell is? - Oh, my God.
- Dad, they're Nazis! Cease fire! What the blazes are you doing here? What are we doing here? What are you doing here? Why are there a bunch of Nazis running around in the woods? We are conscripts from the 916th Regiment of the 352nd Volksgrenadier Division, so we are patriotic Germans defending our homeland, not Nazis.
Yes, well, we are real people living in the correct century.
People who ignore signs.
What signs? Thompson, I told you not to do the signs in brown.
Are you allowed to be running around here with pretend guns? We have cleared it with all the relevant authorities.
We are re-enacting a skirmish with complete historical accuracy.
Apart from Thompson who is wearing trainers.
And apart from the fact that this is actually Hampshire.
This is an engagement that took place on December 26th 1944, in the Ardennes at this precise hour, although we are fractionally behind schedule because the Americans were late getting here.
That is historically accurate.
Look, we are here to scatter my father's ashes at that bench up there.
Well, it was up there.
Well, do you have to? - Yes.
- Yeah, we do.
Seems a bit pointless.
Says the man dressed as a Nazi.
We're not Nazis.
Look, we just need ten minutes of peace and quiet.
Well, as luck would have it, there was a lull in the skirmish at 14:55 for nine minutes.
Right, that's fine.
Nine minutes is fine.
OK, men, take a short Thompson, put the iPhone away! Oh, look, the bench has survived.
Ah.
- What's that? - It's from our disabled lady.
She says she is happy to completely forget any insurance claim.
- You see, Karen, aggression is never the answer in these situations.
- OK.
Do you know it would be nice if just for once you said, "Mum, Dad, you were right.
" Mum, Dad, you were right.
Gee, that wasn't so difficult was it? What the? Who does that? Who comes to a beauty spot and does that? Someone who feels they have no stake in society, and doesn't like JD.
Look, this is where your mum met your dad, isn't it? That's what he said, right here.
OK.
No, you're right.
I said we'd film this for Auntie Angela.
OK, I'm on it.
You can't read "Made in Germany" on this, can you? Cos otherwise she'll just bang on about how he would have hated that.
- I think it's fine.
- OK.
I'm ready.
What's that? The Last Post.
Thanks, but no.
OK, record.
We're gathered here to carry out Dad's Grandad's expressed wishes.
It's a shame Angela couldn't be with us because of her important commitments.
I suppose this is a kind of goodbye, but then life is full of goodbyes, and just because someone isn't close by, that doesn't mean that they're gone, because they're always in here.
OK, so this is where it started, Dad, and this is where it ends, which is what makes it so perfect.
Is this going to drag on much longer? Never driven at dusk before.
You two must be under the limit by now.
'fraid not, I had three scotches.
I had four.
Mind you, two of those were once I realised Ben would be driving.
Trump? No, Angela.
She's going to have a field day a Nazi at Dad's farewell.
Oh, forget her.
You did great, Mum.
- Yeah.
- You got him to his special place.
- Yeah.
Although I could have sworn he said they met at a Shirley Bassey concert.