2 Broke Girls s06e01 Episode Script
And the Two Openings
1 Hey, Earl.
It's the brand new us in brand new gently used outfits.
The pit stains are vintage.
I dug mine out of a dumpster.
It wasn't even touching the diaper.
I'm not used to seeing you girls in clothes.
Things just sound creepier when you're old.
As new part owners of the diner, we're making improvements.
Heh, not in the food or decor 'cause LOL.
But we're just gonna look better.
Oleg, did you hear the news? We're not wearing uniforms anymore.
Cool.
Let's do it.
Just say the word.
The underwear is tear-away too.
Don't say words.
Oh, God! I think I just looked into the eye of the tiger.
Oh, it's my roach friend, Pierre.
Bonjour, Pierre.
Au revoir, Pierre.
(both scream) Stop, drop, and roll! (both screaming) MAX: You're on fire.
CAROLINE: You're on fire.
Now scissor a little.
It can't hurt.
- (Peter Bjorn and John) - Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh (cash register bell dings) Okay, now that no one can see Oleg's nipples, let's start.
As you know, Max and I are part owners of the diner.
You been telling us every damn day like a skinny cuckoo clock.
Which reminds me, I timed my medication to it.
Pill me, Earl.
What was that? I don't know.
Like to keep my body guessing.
So what's this meeting for? The baby's almost here and I still have a bunch of new father stuff to do: build a crib; get rid of 60 yards of butt-beads.
You can build a crib? Anyway, the big change we're talking about is changing right now.
Han? HAN: I don't want to! Okay, fine.
(cheers and applause) Those shorts look like a cheap hotel, no ballroom.
(laughter) I already lost my diner.
Haven't I been shamed enough? Ooh.
Thanks for reminding me.
Caroline? Now you have.
And this is what you get for gambling on ladies' tennis and owing us $25,000.
You look like Bob's "Little" Boy.
Should we order directly into your mouth? Han, since the diner is now owner operated, if we have to wait on tables, so do you.
You're gonna cover our shifts because our other business, the dessert bar, is opening in two days.
Did you say you own a dessert bar? Huh pill time.
I don't know why I can't catch a break from you two.
I had to put up with Max's heartbreak over her LA boyfriend Randy for months.
It was more indulgent than Beyoncé's "Lemonade.
" (both gasp) - How dare you? - She's a queen.
The name "Randy" is off-limits in this diner, Han.
Like ambition or fresh milk.
Girls, while you have us trapped here, what the hell is a dessert bar? Is it cake with alcohol in it? Or alcohol with cake? 'Cause either way, nobody wants to make love after eating a big hunk of pie.
Earl, everybody understands the concept.
I don't get the dessert bar thing either.
Who wants to hear from a human mustard packet? Randy, Randy, Randy.
Zing! (cheers and applause) Damn, baby got back.
Thanks for the input, but I think I know what I'm doing.
I went to Wharton.
Wharton.
That's my last pill.
Hey, every-baby! (cheers and applause) Yeah, it's my due date.
This baby is taking longer to come out than a Catholic from Indiana.
Sophie, do you feel anything? I mean, besides the vibrating panties I got you? Oh, is that what that sound is? I thought a bee got in here.
Well, I'll be in my booth waiting for my baby.
Welcome to the Williamsburg Diner.
I'll be your waiter, Han.
Who's the new girl? I don't like her.
None of these bartenders have dessert bar experience.
I guess that's because we made it up.
That one guy got drunk at the M&M's store.
That's in the ballpark.
You just like him 'cause he gave you candy.
It did not hurt.
Hey.
I'm here for the bartender job.
Well, you're not holding your penis, so you're doing better than the last guy.
Full disclosure: that guy's still in the running.
Mine would be here, but he gets nervous at interviews.
He's funny.
He's an actual bartender.
He's qualified, and he's still not holding his penis.
You're hired.
Welcome aboard, Randall.
I hate that name.
People call me "Randy.
" (scoffs) And we hate that name.
Out you go.
No, no, no.
No, no, that's come on.
He's not gonna bother me.
He looks nothing like my Randy.
My Randy is a mountain of a man.
But life got in the way.
He lives in LA and I was starting this dessert bar.
Yeah, she's not over it.
Yeah, and you really pooped the bed with the name thing.
He could pick me up with one arm and carry Chinese food with the other.
(giggles) Where'd that guy go? He disappeared faster than Adam Lambert.
Max, we need to avoid any reminders of Randy.
I can't go back to that depression you were in.
It was so hard for me.
Don't worry.
I'll be okay and so will we.
This is Williamsburg; you can't spit without hitting a bartender.
Or an artisanal pickle maker.
Why do we live here? I'm here for the bartender interview.
(cheers and applause) Oh, no, you two.
How do we know him? (gasps) Wait a minute.
Dad? You're the puppet guy that tried to sue us two years and three businesses ago by saying we injured you.
She broke my puppet.
Wait, we never had sex.
Did we? Do you wiggle a lot? I do.
But we didn't.
Anyway, uh, since I changed psychopharmacologists, the puppets aren't talking to me as much.
Here's my résumé.
Please don't call the references.
They're all jealous of me.
Under special skills, you wrote, "Revenge.
" Oh, whoops, that was supposed to be under "Favorite TV Shows.
" But can't we just let bygones be bygones? I mean, really, I've done a lot of work on myself.
I have found inner peace, and I've completely completely centered myself through a series of of therapy sessions that became intensely sexual.
Yeah, I know.
It's on your résumé.
Him you can call.
We don't like to work with nemesises.
Nemesi? Let's just go with "creepy people that we hate.
" Fine.
You two, with your porcelain skin and your businesses.
I'll go back to my crappy daytime job, but FYI, Cagney and Lacey, nobody knows what the hell a dessert bar is.
What is so hard to understand? It's signature cocktails paired with dessert confections.
(groans) Why do all my enemies have to be geniuses? He does seem a lot better.
Max, we open in two days; we need a bartender.
Look, I will just take care of the drinks till we find the right person not named "Randy.
" Max, look around.
We did it.
And it only cost every cent we got from your big movie deal.
And the weed money you were hiding in that box labeled "not weed money.
" (giggles, gasps) I'm gonna go check out the bathroom again.
You know you've made it when you have an industrial flush.
The seat is clean.
You don't even have to hover.
Come on! Delivery for Max and Caroline.
What are you wearing? And I don't know how this is possible, but you have a camel toe.
It's my flower delivery uniform.
I picked up a shift so I could pay you two shrews faster and get my diner back.
Now, could you please sign? I left my bicycle unlocked.
It says, "Max and Caroline, congratulations on your dessert bar, Randy.
" These are from Randy.
Oh, my God.
Get these out of here.
The Upsy Daisies are our most popular item.
Widows get into fist fights over them.
- (toilet flushes) - MAX: Yes! Han, get these out of here.
I can't have her see these.
Go.
I will make a notation that you did not tip.
No 19-digit promo code for you.
The mail wasn't there, but that unexplained puddle in the hallway is thriving.
I'm afraid they're gonna call it a pool and try to raise our rent.
Good! I'd love to have friends over to my puddle for a change.
Our liquor license was supposed to come today.
We should have gotten mail by now.
We also should have left batteries in the carbon monoxide detector, but I got tired of all the beeping.
Do your eyes feel bloodier than usual? Hey, gals! Yeah, nope.
Still not a mother.
Oh, I'm so bored.
I've Netflix'd, Hulu'd, Amazoned.
I'm about to HBO GO out of my mind.
Sophie, where did you get those Upsy Daisies? Oh, Han gave them to me.
Yeah, and he tried to sell me a time-share in the Poconos.
Yeah, but I got to say, I was a little intrigued.
Sophie, you shouldn't be down here.
There's a probable carbon monoxide leak.
You should go check out our pool.
Why did Han give you flowers? Is he trying to hit that? (chuckles) Oh, well, he'd have to reach that first.
No, they were for you guys.
Yeah, Caroline didn't want them.
Yeah, but I'm not above garbage flowers.
These are from Randy for me.
You! Max, I didn't want to tell you about the flowers.
I didn't want to upset you.
If you don't want to upset me, then why do you chew salad so loudly? Uh, she's got a point there, Caroline.
I am not mad.
You're not? No.
It was really nice of Randy to send flowers and maybe I should call him.
Bad idea to get in touch with Randy.
Very bad idea, like, jumpsuits on short women.
What? He did a nice thing and I just want to thank him.
We'll thank him together.
You know what people like to get nowadays? A handwritten note.
Let me grab my stationery.
It's a Rite Aid receipt so there's plenty of room.
- Dear Randy - You know what? Just calling Randy is rude.
Since when do you worry about rude? - You interrupt almost every - I want to FaceTime him.
(phone beeping) That's much worse, and you just interrupted me Ag - Hi, Randy.
- Max! It's so great to hear from you.
Is Caroline not there, or is she standing behind you with her arms folded, looking angry? My arms aren't folded, they're on my hips.
And I'm not angry, but Max called you without my permission.
Hi, Miss Channing.
Max has to get off the phone.
You're embarrassing me.
Max, it took you three months and a palette of Cheetos to get over him.
RANDY: You covered the screen, not the speaker.
You shouldn't be talking to him.
(scoffs) You shouldn't be wearing blue eye shadow.
(gasps) You told me it looked nice and now I've ruined the receipt and I can't take it back.
RANDY: Guys, I'm getting whiplash.
You know what? Everyone just calm down.
I'm just saying thank you.
God-uh! Sophie, is it time? Are you in labor? No.
(panting) I broke my masturbating underwear.
Ah, but you know how that goes.
I do not and I will not act like I might.
You know, you're a puzzle that I have no interest in solving.
Here's your mail.
(gasps) The mail.
Our liquor license.
Yeah.
You know what, I think my masturbating underwear is short-circuiting, but eeh oh but it feels pretty good.
Is not coming because I made a tiny mistake on the forms? Well, if it makes you feel any better, nobody knows what a dessert bar is.
And frankly, it just makes people angry.
Max, I have bad news.
Oh, my God you're naked! I'm saying thank you to Randy.
Looks like Randy is thanking himself.
Oh, hey, sorry about that.
That thank you kind of got away from us.
Max, put your pants on, we're going downtown.
That's funny, Randy just told me to take them off for the same reason.
Last time I saw a line this long, it went up my nose.
And I almost married Katt Williams.
Excuse me? Is there a different line for people who just made one tiny mistake and it's not her fault 'cause she was just overwhelmed at the time? Max, we're gonna die here.
Ugh, finally.
I'd give out flyers for the dessert bar, but I just saw someone pull an unwrapped cheese stick out of his pocket.
I can't believe you filled out a form wrong.
Start a business much? Uh, in my defense, this is kind of your fault.
Me? How is it my fault? I was in a fort made out of pillows most of July.
Or was it August? I don't know, you can lose track of time in a fort.
Exactly.
I had to jackass around this whole city to get the dessert bar ready while you were rolling in the deep, getting over Randy.
So hello from the other side.
Girl fight.
Worldstar.
And now, after all that, I catch you going down on Randy's iPhone.
I'm warning you right now, I am not bathing you again.
Look, there is a mathematical formula involved in break-up sex.
What do you know about math? You always leave out six when you count to ten.
Doesn't mean you're stupid.
A lot of persons do that.
Typically, in a break-up, if you live in the same city, you go to the guy's house to pick up your stuff, and then you do it.
That's one time.
Then you "forget something" and he brings it to your place and then you do it.
That's two.
Then you run into each other at a bar, do it in the bathroom.
Three.
Then you fake a pregnancy.
That's four.
Then he fakes an STD.
That's five.
And then you're broken up.
There's been no math.
(scoffs) Five is a number.
Numbers are math.
Read a book.
Yeah.
Read a book.
Name a book.
The phone book.
This line is for municipal licenses only.
Not driver's licenses, wedding licenses, or whatnot.
Municipal licenses.
If you don't know what that is, you're in the wrong line.
How could you not know what line you're supposed to be standing in? (sighs) Randy, let me call you back from the bathroom.
I know where it is.
I used to work here.
Max! Hey, Caroline.
Oh, Max was just thanking me for the flowers again.
That's why I'm not wearing a shirt.
Or pants.
Uh, let me call you back, but keep your pants off.
(chuckles) What? I am not counting that as one.
Were you really gonna spank it in the middle of the municipal building? Spank it? Don't be crass, Caroline.
Yes.
Next! Ding ding ding! It's just some clerical error so we should be able to get our license today.
Let me handle this.
You know you have a history of getting slappy with bureaucrats.
Hi.
We got this in the mail, and there's been some teensy little mistake Well, well, well! Him! I've got this, Moesha.
Why don't you go clean up your little Lean Cuisine explosion in the microwave? Oh, she's a mess.
Now, how can I not help you two? This is your dead-end job? I pictured you working as a drug mule or a seat filler on The View.
That's a job? Dude, I just made a mistake on the application.
Can't you just give us a break? Our dessert bar is supposed to open tomorrow night.
Please? I gave up a boyfriend for this business, and I'm gonna mess up her pretty face if it doesn't work out.
Max, thank you.
I was starting to think you didn't think I was that pretty.
If we don't fix this, we're gonna have to delay our opening.
So please? You know what? Let me talk to my supervisor.
(audience groans and laughs) His neck's a little rusty, but that's a no.
I would make us a drink but without a liquor license, all I can make is meth.
This is all my fault.
No, I was in a funk about Randy and you had to do all this stuff on your own.
- It's my fault.
- Okay, good.
That's what I really thought, but I just wanted to make sure it was out there.
We have zero luck, Max, zero.
I just stopped by to say I'm sorry about your dessert bar.
You two are unlucky A, F.
That's "As Freddie.
" He's a friend of mine.
He's very unlucky.
Earl, there's no outside liquor.
'Cause it just makes us feel worse.
This ain't outside liquor.
It's from the diner.
Can't you tell by the beef floating in it? Oh, my God.
It's not from outside.
It's from the diner.
Max, who owns the diner? Me, you, and an Asian squirrel.
Max, we don't need a liquor license because - We already have one.
- Uh-huh.
Oh! I just did more math.
Still not math! I haven't seen women move that fast since the Activia recall.
(gasps) Here it is! Oh, my God, Han's middle name is Margaret.
Sometimes the universe just gives you a gift.
(together) This entitles the owner, operator, operators That's us! (together) Of the Williamsburg Diner to serve alcohol to those persons 21 and over, reserving the right to not serve those persons who do not supply valid ID! Max, do you know what this means? I am totally carding Han Margaret when he comes in our dessert bar, which is so opening tomorrow night.
Hey, every-baby.
Still preg achoo! (water breaks) (both gasp) Are you guys seeing this too? I'm never gonna forget it.
I think my water broke.
Oleg! Get out here and bring the mop bucket.
Sophie's in labor.
Oh.
I'm calling the car right now.
It says "Your Lyft driver is already here.
" Did somebody order a car? Look, it's Minnie Driver.
Sophie, we're having a baby.
I'm scared.
She should be scared, she's wearing electric underwear.
Slow, easy breaths.
I am! I was more talking to myself.
Don't leave me in there alone.
You know I see dead people.
It's coming.
It's coming! (groaning) It's here! The baby? (horn honks) Well, a baby.
Oh, good, our goober driver's here.
Aren't I suffering enough to get the diner back from you two? I'm already driving for Lyft and Uber and selling Molly out of that glove compartment.
Shotgun! Han, I hate to hit the stereotype of Asian women drivers, but could you speed the hell up? Do you want to arrive quickly or do you want to arrive safely? A teddy bear doesn't count as carpooling, lady! I can't have a car baby.
Three of my brothers were born in the car.
On the way to the woods, where they were supposed to be born.
Sophie, do you think you could move your seat up a scooch? Only because I think my leg is broken.
This reminds me of a road trip I took one time with Earth, Wind & Fire.
The car was so cramped, we had to leave Wind behind.
I feel like someone just left some wind behind in here.
(honking) Signal much? Ow! Sophie, smile for the camera.
I don't want to miss a minute.
No Golishevsky man has ever been there for the birth of his child.
Why, because it's bad luck to see your wife before she's born? You tell one story where your uncle marries his daughter, and suddenly, you're the incest guy.
Uh-oh.
It's happening.
Oh.
Ah, I can feel the baby's head.
Oh.
(groans) It's your sandwich.
It's yours now.
All right.
Sophie, you have to make it to the hospital.
I sold my rare toe-porn collection to pay for a fancy birthing suite.
I'm gonna give birth to this baby in style.
I won't have to protect it from wild animals afterwards, you know, which is nice.
Sophie, don't get too comfortable in that suite.
You're gonna need to drop it like it's hot the second we get to the hospital.
Max and I have to get ready for our dessert bar opening.
Baby on board! Move it our lose it! (honks) In their defense, it looks like no one's driving this car.
Excuse me, doctor? It's been 12 hours.
Is there some way we could speed this up? You know, jumping jacks, Indian food, a C-section? Does she need to be in here? Yeah.
Yeah, that one and the other one over there are the godparents.
Max.
Yeah, girl.
They're not a couple.
Oleg thinks they do it a little though.
Only 1 centimeter.
I don't feel anything.
It could be a while.
Sophie, you may want to take off the Spanx.
I'm pregnant.
I'm not dead.
(groans) Oh, man, tub legs.
I'll be back.
But not because I want to.
Oleg, come on, film the room.
I want our baby to know that I was treated like a queen.
You know, I think Elton John had this room when he gave birth.
I'm sorry, I lost y'all.
I feel asleep on a gurney and woke up in the morgue.
I scared the pants off a bunch of med students.
(iPhone chimes) Ooh, there's my alarm.
I have to go have break-up phone sex with my ex, Randy.
Like you do.
Well, don't go very far 'cause Oleg gets fainty in hospitals and supermarkets that also sell clothing.
It's just too much.
Max, you and Randy have had more sex since your break-up then I had with my college boyfriend.
Granted, he was very busy with musical theater.
The only time we had sex was when he was in his Cats' costume and he asked me to give him a Rum Tum Tugger.
The rule is you have sex five times before you're broken up.
And this is number five.
Historically, the biggest, sweatiest, and the most butt-centric his, not mine.
So (chuckles) Do not disturb.
It's facing the wrong way, and it's very disturbing.
Hey, Randy.
Oh, sorry, I just, uh, just woke up.
Looks like you've been up for awhile.
Mind if I camp under that pup tent? Can you go roast his marshmallows somewhere else? Excuse me, there's a VVVIP patient coming in who needs this room.
I don't care what kind of disease they have.
I'm not going.
(Caroline gasps) Oh, my God.
That's supermodel Vanessa Nibotito.
(gasps) She's pretty and smart.
It's hard, right girl? I I paid for this room.
That giant bag of quarters? That's us! Is my baby bump seriously getting bumped by a poor man's me? I'm so sorry.
I could send you a copy of my motherhood book if you'd like.
The lady I paid to write it did a great job.
Oh, wait wait a minute, no I'm not going anywhere.
No, wait a minute.
Wait, I'm not no, I'm not going.
You can't make me.
No, wait a minute.
Wait a min oh, wait, wait, wait.
Oh, look, I'm getting a little arm workout here.
Oh, yeah.
Sophie, the hospital is saying they bounced us from the room because we took too long.
They're offering us a cot near the burn unit of the ICU.
Well, ICU don't understand that I'm not having this baby until I get back in my suite.
That's a hard "no," Chris.
Guess who just flirted her way into a free carpal tunnel glove? Some girls flirt their way into a sugar daddy; I get medical supplies.
And more good news Did you get me my room back? No, those days are over.
We're hallway people now.
But I was able to print out flyers for our dessert bar.
I'd love to give them a rounded edge.
Do you have scissors? Are you kidding me? Of course I do.
Look in my bag.
Sophie, they're offering us a full-size bed, but it's in an MRI machine.
I think we should take it.
Dessert bar opening tonight.
We have a ramp.
Excuse me, coming through.
Coming through.
A-lister about to give birth.
Oh, my God.
Celebrity doctor, Nancy Gonzales! You know, I wear your perfume.
Nancy, you might have heard, dessert bar opening tonight.
Someone needs to control the hallway people.
MAX: (giggles) Randy.
Max! (gasps) That wasn't me, it was naughty nurse Wanda.
I was about to give Wanda a shot.
Well, she was gonna give it to herself, but I was gonna tell her exactly how to do it.
Max, isn't playing doctor in a hospital a little on the nose? I like to be on theme.
We can play pirate and lusty wench when I'm in a Long John Silver's.
No, you won't because we're not allowed in there for that very reason.
Plus, didn't you already have your fifth time? You see, Caroline, break-up sex in LA is six times.
It's the DeVito-Perlman rule.
Rhea forgot her yoga mat, and five limoncellos later, boom! The rest is history.
He's a lawyer so we have to listen to him.
Dessert bar opening tonight.
Sophie, any progress in your nethers? 'Cause our dessert bar opens in five hours, and it promises I'll be there on the flyer.
Dessert bar opening tonight.
I'll be there.
Did you really have to refer to yourself as "New York's Own Caroline Channing"? She's coming.
Hallway people, clear a path.
Oh.
(cameras snapping) Congratulations because you're invited to our dessert bar opening.
You can bring the baby if you want, but I wouldn't love it.
What's dessert? I'm still tweeting that she's coming.
I'm taking the suite back, girls.
Roll me in! Yeah, we're not hallway people anymore.
Whoo-hoo! Yeah! (gasps) Ooh.
How long can sushi be sitting out? Ooh, not that long.
What about this one? Max, don't.
It promises on the flyer that you'll be at the dessert bar opening too.
It's in smaller letters, but it's there.
Oh.
I got here as fast as I could.
To take the baby out? No, to see the model.
Um, she's gone.
She kept saying, "Where's Doctor Gomulka?" Really? No, no one's ever said that.
Well, since I'm already disappointed, I guess I'll take a look under the hood.
Oleg, you know how I love to have a snack when I get my exam.
I'll go to the gift shop and grab you some chocolate-heavy trail mix and some Hubba Bubba.
Oh, and Oleg! Turn the bag upside down and oh.
(laughs) He knows.
Well, if I were a gambling man, I'd say it'll be at least five hours.
Achoo! (baby crying) And that's how I lost my house.
Nurse, I need something to cut the umbilical cord.
Oh, I wait, wait.
You're in luck.
- Aww.
- (baby crying) ALL: Aww.
Sophie, you did great.
You're a mother.
Also, gesundheit.
Aw, the baby's beautiful.
Oh, my God.
I had the baby! And Oleg missed it.
Oh, and he had his heart set on seeing the baby being born.
And he missed it.
He's never gonna forgive himself! He's never, never, never, never, never, never Please, Sophie, calm down.
Maybe Oleg didn't miss it.
It worries me how little you know about science stuff.
We'll fake the birth.
You're asking me to help you fake a birth? You'll be fine.
You've faked an orgasm.
Well, that's true.
We have to make Oleg pass out long enough to bring the baby in and make him think he just missed a second of the actual birth.
Sophie, act like you're in labor.
Just yell and tell Oleg you wish you never met him.
It should be easy.
He's coming.
Places.
(panting) Sorry it took so long, but the lady in front of me paid for her Jujubes with a third-party check.
(groaning) Oh, I'm in pain! Oh, I'm about to have a baby for the first time! Okay.
I'm ready.
I popped a Pepto and what I'm now realizing was a laxative.
Oleg, you stay out of the splash zone.
It's go time.
Oh, there is some seriously birthy stuff going on down here.
Oh, should we get a doctor? Even a girl one? There's no time! Because of all the oozing gunk! (groans) Push, Sophie, push! (straining) You you you you did this to me with your gorgeous penis! We're both sorry! Max, anything else disgusting going on down there? Oh, yeah, we got a real sick situation here.
Oh, man, there's a lot of placenta goo.
Oy, oy, oy, oy I haven't been this woozy since I was in a Super Target.
I'm not going down.
- (groaning) - I'm not going down.
The wet, sludgy baby is fighting through the slime! Oh.
Oh.
Oh, girls, quick.
He's down.
Get the baby! Oh, my God.
All right.
All right, now, to wake him up, yell "immigration" or tickle his Immigration! What'd I miss? Look, Oleg.
The baby is here.
And it's a girl.
She has a bejoonie, just like her mama.
She's beautiful, just like her mama.
Yeah.
Do you want to hold her? Yeah? Yeah.
Look.
That's your daddy.
Let her get settled in the world before you start giving her bad news.
Hello, baby.
Barbara! Barbara Kuchenski Golishevsky! Oh, that sounds real musical, doesn't it? Depends what kind of music you listen to.
Aww, she's so cute.
Barbara's a definite? SOPHIE: Yeah.
I'm your godmother.
One day I'm gonna teach you how to lie to these two.
And also this one.
(gasps) Look at all those people at our door.
And not a torch in the mix.
CAROLINA: Oh, Earl.
Are you lost again? The diner is next door! Don't confuse him.
He's our bouncer.
You're our bouncer! Now, you don't really expect everybody on this list to show up, now, do you? 'Cause Liam Hemsworth and I are in a Twitter feud.
Okay, some of it may have been wishful thinking, but I did text 2 Chainz.
We met him on a private plane once.
I gave him my digits.
Uh, 2 Chainz, is that a person or a dress code? It's both.
(audience cheers) Earl, 2 Chainz is a famous rapper.
Oh, my God, 2 Chainz is here ah! I'm letting 2 Chainz the famous rapper in before we open.
What's up, Double C? She prefers to be called, "New York's Own Double C.
" Sup? I can't believe you made it to our dessert bar.
I can't believe anybody knows what a dessert bar is.
Are you kidding? Sugar and alcohol go hand in hand.
It's two great tastes that taste great together.
Like how I seamlessly fuse new-school and old-school flows.
Well, now I get it.
Why didn't you just say that, girls? Now, can I get one of those flan-tinis, please? Look, sorry I didn't recognize you, 2 Chainz.
I let my subscription to Vibe expire in 1984.
Oh, that's okay.
I think they give discounts for return customers.
Oh, really? Well, well, well! Look who opened up a bar after I denied them a liquor license.
Well, well, well, look who decided to wear ladies' pants hoping no one would notice.
J.
Petto, what are you doing here? How did you know we were opening? I definitely didn't give you a flyer.
I follow 2 Chainz on Twitter, sometimes in my car.
Just so you know, I have 911 on speed dial.
Our liquor license, sir.
Uh, this belongs to the Williamsburg Diner.
They're the same property.
We own the diner.
They're related, like Alec and whoever the grossest Baldwin is.
Daniel.
You can't use another establishment's liquor license.
I'm shutting you two down and I'm slapping the owner of the diner with a $25,000 fine.
Who is this bitch? Just some mean, little man with nothing better to do on a Friday night than ruin our lives.
Not true; I'm taking my aunt to drag bingo right after this.
Well, girls, I managed to make it here after this dog fornicated his way across Greenpoint.
(chuckles) Been there.
Done that.
Here's $300.
My earnings after working 12 jobs and being robbed 4 times.
Twice by the same girl.
You can have your diner back.
We feel bad about taking it from you, and also the owner of the diner owes old butt-chin here and the city $25,000.
What? The diner is mine again? Yeah, sorry.
(gasps) Yes! Yes! Yes! I have my baby back.
You have baby everything.
I'm shutting you down for 14 business days.
And you're getting a bill in the mail with very confusing instructions.
And I'm having my birthday here.
Let's bounce, 2 Chainz.
So long, pal.
You're gonna have to find someone else to use as a chew toy.
Oh, man.
Sorry about the bar, girls.
I mean, guess I'm gonna have to get me a bottle of rosé and head over to Mrs.
Fields' again.
Does she have a sister? Or a color TV? See you later, girls.
It look like I'm gonna go party with the old man right here.
(indistinct chatter) Can you guys just give us another minute? Or 14 business days? The only thing that opened and closed faster than us was Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot.
Well, at least I didn't get a blow out for this.
That lessens the sting of a failed opening.
Are you kidding? I think this is gonna make us more popular.
You know how people always want what they can't have.
Like you with everything.
If that's true, then why do you look upset? 'Cause Randy and I are really broken up.
We burned through the Affleck-Garner clause, the Cox-Arquette addendum.
As soon as we got to the Bieber-Gomez principle, we were ashamed of ourselves.
Max, you're the queen of not following the rules.
"Rules, schmules," you say.
Yes! Rules, schmules! And condoms, schmondoms.
Yeah, that one's not great.
What I'm saying is you make stuff up.
Like this dessert bar.
And that was a great idea.
So you should make up rules for you and Randy.
'Cause it really seems like you guys care about each other.
Yeah, you're right.
Break-up, schmake-up.
Now, go call Randy and make me want to burn my iPad.
Go, I'm begging you.
Yeah, we're gonna kill it in 14 business days.
(cash register bell dings) (upbeat rock music)
It's the brand new us in brand new gently used outfits.
The pit stains are vintage.
I dug mine out of a dumpster.
It wasn't even touching the diaper.
I'm not used to seeing you girls in clothes.
Things just sound creepier when you're old.
As new part owners of the diner, we're making improvements.
Heh, not in the food or decor 'cause LOL.
But we're just gonna look better.
Oleg, did you hear the news? We're not wearing uniforms anymore.
Cool.
Let's do it.
Just say the word.
The underwear is tear-away too.
Don't say words.
Oh, God! I think I just looked into the eye of the tiger.
Oh, it's my roach friend, Pierre.
Bonjour, Pierre.
Au revoir, Pierre.
(both scream) Stop, drop, and roll! (both screaming) MAX: You're on fire.
CAROLINE: You're on fire.
Now scissor a little.
It can't hurt.
- (Peter Bjorn and John) - Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh (cash register bell dings) Okay, now that no one can see Oleg's nipples, let's start.
As you know, Max and I are part owners of the diner.
You been telling us every damn day like a skinny cuckoo clock.
Which reminds me, I timed my medication to it.
Pill me, Earl.
What was that? I don't know.
Like to keep my body guessing.
So what's this meeting for? The baby's almost here and I still have a bunch of new father stuff to do: build a crib; get rid of 60 yards of butt-beads.
You can build a crib? Anyway, the big change we're talking about is changing right now.
Han? HAN: I don't want to! Okay, fine.
(cheers and applause) Those shorts look like a cheap hotel, no ballroom.
(laughter) I already lost my diner.
Haven't I been shamed enough? Ooh.
Thanks for reminding me.
Caroline? Now you have.
And this is what you get for gambling on ladies' tennis and owing us $25,000.
You look like Bob's "Little" Boy.
Should we order directly into your mouth? Han, since the diner is now owner operated, if we have to wait on tables, so do you.
You're gonna cover our shifts because our other business, the dessert bar, is opening in two days.
Did you say you own a dessert bar? Huh pill time.
I don't know why I can't catch a break from you two.
I had to put up with Max's heartbreak over her LA boyfriend Randy for months.
It was more indulgent than Beyoncé's "Lemonade.
" (both gasp) - How dare you? - She's a queen.
The name "Randy" is off-limits in this diner, Han.
Like ambition or fresh milk.
Girls, while you have us trapped here, what the hell is a dessert bar? Is it cake with alcohol in it? Or alcohol with cake? 'Cause either way, nobody wants to make love after eating a big hunk of pie.
Earl, everybody understands the concept.
I don't get the dessert bar thing either.
Who wants to hear from a human mustard packet? Randy, Randy, Randy.
Zing! (cheers and applause) Damn, baby got back.
Thanks for the input, but I think I know what I'm doing.
I went to Wharton.
Wharton.
That's my last pill.
Hey, every-baby! (cheers and applause) Yeah, it's my due date.
This baby is taking longer to come out than a Catholic from Indiana.
Sophie, do you feel anything? I mean, besides the vibrating panties I got you? Oh, is that what that sound is? I thought a bee got in here.
Well, I'll be in my booth waiting for my baby.
Welcome to the Williamsburg Diner.
I'll be your waiter, Han.
Who's the new girl? I don't like her.
None of these bartenders have dessert bar experience.
I guess that's because we made it up.
That one guy got drunk at the M&M's store.
That's in the ballpark.
You just like him 'cause he gave you candy.
It did not hurt.
Hey.
I'm here for the bartender job.
Well, you're not holding your penis, so you're doing better than the last guy.
Full disclosure: that guy's still in the running.
Mine would be here, but he gets nervous at interviews.
He's funny.
He's an actual bartender.
He's qualified, and he's still not holding his penis.
You're hired.
Welcome aboard, Randall.
I hate that name.
People call me "Randy.
" (scoffs) And we hate that name.
Out you go.
No, no, no.
No, no, that's come on.
He's not gonna bother me.
He looks nothing like my Randy.
My Randy is a mountain of a man.
But life got in the way.
He lives in LA and I was starting this dessert bar.
Yeah, she's not over it.
Yeah, and you really pooped the bed with the name thing.
He could pick me up with one arm and carry Chinese food with the other.
(giggles) Where'd that guy go? He disappeared faster than Adam Lambert.
Max, we need to avoid any reminders of Randy.
I can't go back to that depression you were in.
It was so hard for me.
Don't worry.
I'll be okay and so will we.
This is Williamsburg; you can't spit without hitting a bartender.
Or an artisanal pickle maker.
Why do we live here? I'm here for the bartender interview.
(cheers and applause) Oh, no, you two.
How do we know him? (gasps) Wait a minute.
Dad? You're the puppet guy that tried to sue us two years and three businesses ago by saying we injured you.
She broke my puppet.
Wait, we never had sex.
Did we? Do you wiggle a lot? I do.
But we didn't.
Anyway, uh, since I changed psychopharmacologists, the puppets aren't talking to me as much.
Here's my résumé.
Please don't call the references.
They're all jealous of me.
Under special skills, you wrote, "Revenge.
" Oh, whoops, that was supposed to be under "Favorite TV Shows.
" But can't we just let bygones be bygones? I mean, really, I've done a lot of work on myself.
I have found inner peace, and I've completely completely centered myself through a series of of therapy sessions that became intensely sexual.
Yeah, I know.
It's on your résumé.
Him you can call.
We don't like to work with nemesises.
Nemesi? Let's just go with "creepy people that we hate.
" Fine.
You two, with your porcelain skin and your businesses.
I'll go back to my crappy daytime job, but FYI, Cagney and Lacey, nobody knows what the hell a dessert bar is.
What is so hard to understand? It's signature cocktails paired with dessert confections.
(groans) Why do all my enemies have to be geniuses? He does seem a lot better.
Max, we open in two days; we need a bartender.
Look, I will just take care of the drinks till we find the right person not named "Randy.
" Max, look around.
We did it.
And it only cost every cent we got from your big movie deal.
And the weed money you were hiding in that box labeled "not weed money.
" (giggles, gasps) I'm gonna go check out the bathroom again.
You know you've made it when you have an industrial flush.
The seat is clean.
You don't even have to hover.
Come on! Delivery for Max and Caroline.
What are you wearing? And I don't know how this is possible, but you have a camel toe.
It's my flower delivery uniform.
I picked up a shift so I could pay you two shrews faster and get my diner back.
Now, could you please sign? I left my bicycle unlocked.
It says, "Max and Caroline, congratulations on your dessert bar, Randy.
" These are from Randy.
Oh, my God.
Get these out of here.
The Upsy Daisies are our most popular item.
Widows get into fist fights over them.
- (toilet flushes) - MAX: Yes! Han, get these out of here.
I can't have her see these.
Go.
I will make a notation that you did not tip.
No 19-digit promo code for you.
The mail wasn't there, but that unexplained puddle in the hallway is thriving.
I'm afraid they're gonna call it a pool and try to raise our rent.
Good! I'd love to have friends over to my puddle for a change.
Our liquor license was supposed to come today.
We should have gotten mail by now.
We also should have left batteries in the carbon monoxide detector, but I got tired of all the beeping.
Do your eyes feel bloodier than usual? Hey, gals! Yeah, nope.
Still not a mother.
Oh, I'm so bored.
I've Netflix'd, Hulu'd, Amazoned.
I'm about to HBO GO out of my mind.
Sophie, where did you get those Upsy Daisies? Oh, Han gave them to me.
Yeah, and he tried to sell me a time-share in the Poconos.
Yeah, but I got to say, I was a little intrigued.
Sophie, you shouldn't be down here.
There's a probable carbon monoxide leak.
You should go check out our pool.
Why did Han give you flowers? Is he trying to hit that? (chuckles) Oh, well, he'd have to reach that first.
No, they were for you guys.
Yeah, Caroline didn't want them.
Yeah, but I'm not above garbage flowers.
These are from Randy for me.
You! Max, I didn't want to tell you about the flowers.
I didn't want to upset you.
If you don't want to upset me, then why do you chew salad so loudly? Uh, she's got a point there, Caroline.
I am not mad.
You're not? No.
It was really nice of Randy to send flowers and maybe I should call him.
Bad idea to get in touch with Randy.
Very bad idea, like, jumpsuits on short women.
What? He did a nice thing and I just want to thank him.
We'll thank him together.
You know what people like to get nowadays? A handwritten note.
Let me grab my stationery.
It's a Rite Aid receipt so there's plenty of room.
- Dear Randy - You know what? Just calling Randy is rude.
Since when do you worry about rude? - You interrupt almost every - I want to FaceTime him.
(phone beeping) That's much worse, and you just interrupted me Ag - Hi, Randy.
- Max! It's so great to hear from you.
Is Caroline not there, or is she standing behind you with her arms folded, looking angry? My arms aren't folded, they're on my hips.
And I'm not angry, but Max called you without my permission.
Hi, Miss Channing.
Max has to get off the phone.
You're embarrassing me.
Max, it took you three months and a palette of Cheetos to get over him.
RANDY: You covered the screen, not the speaker.
You shouldn't be talking to him.
(scoffs) You shouldn't be wearing blue eye shadow.
(gasps) You told me it looked nice and now I've ruined the receipt and I can't take it back.
RANDY: Guys, I'm getting whiplash.
You know what? Everyone just calm down.
I'm just saying thank you.
God-uh! Sophie, is it time? Are you in labor? No.
(panting) I broke my masturbating underwear.
Ah, but you know how that goes.
I do not and I will not act like I might.
You know, you're a puzzle that I have no interest in solving.
Here's your mail.
(gasps) The mail.
Our liquor license.
Yeah.
You know what, I think my masturbating underwear is short-circuiting, but eeh oh but it feels pretty good.
Is not coming because I made a tiny mistake on the forms? Well, if it makes you feel any better, nobody knows what a dessert bar is.
And frankly, it just makes people angry.
Max, I have bad news.
Oh, my God you're naked! I'm saying thank you to Randy.
Looks like Randy is thanking himself.
Oh, hey, sorry about that.
That thank you kind of got away from us.
Max, put your pants on, we're going downtown.
That's funny, Randy just told me to take them off for the same reason.
Last time I saw a line this long, it went up my nose.
And I almost married Katt Williams.
Excuse me? Is there a different line for people who just made one tiny mistake and it's not her fault 'cause she was just overwhelmed at the time? Max, we're gonna die here.
Ugh, finally.
I'd give out flyers for the dessert bar, but I just saw someone pull an unwrapped cheese stick out of his pocket.
I can't believe you filled out a form wrong.
Start a business much? Uh, in my defense, this is kind of your fault.
Me? How is it my fault? I was in a fort made out of pillows most of July.
Or was it August? I don't know, you can lose track of time in a fort.
Exactly.
I had to jackass around this whole city to get the dessert bar ready while you were rolling in the deep, getting over Randy.
So hello from the other side.
Girl fight.
Worldstar.
And now, after all that, I catch you going down on Randy's iPhone.
I'm warning you right now, I am not bathing you again.
Look, there is a mathematical formula involved in break-up sex.
What do you know about math? You always leave out six when you count to ten.
Doesn't mean you're stupid.
A lot of persons do that.
Typically, in a break-up, if you live in the same city, you go to the guy's house to pick up your stuff, and then you do it.
That's one time.
Then you "forget something" and he brings it to your place and then you do it.
That's two.
Then you run into each other at a bar, do it in the bathroom.
Three.
Then you fake a pregnancy.
That's four.
Then he fakes an STD.
That's five.
And then you're broken up.
There's been no math.
(scoffs) Five is a number.
Numbers are math.
Read a book.
Yeah.
Read a book.
Name a book.
The phone book.
This line is for municipal licenses only.
Not driver's licenses, wedding licenses, or whatnot.
Municipal licenses.
If you don't know what that is, you're in the wrong line.
How could you not know what line you're supposed to be standing in? (sighs) Randy, let me call you back from the bathroom.
I know where it is.
I used to work here.
Max! Hey, Caroline.
Oh, Max was just thanking me for the flowers again.
That's why I'm not wearing a shirt.
Or pants.
Uh, let me call you back, but keep your pants off.
(chuckles) What? I am not counting that as one.
Were you really gonna spank it in the middle of the municipal building? Spank it? Don't be crass, Caroline.
Yes.
Next! Ding ding ding! It's just some clerical error so we should be able to get our license today.
Let me handle this.
You know you have a history of getting slappy with bureaucrats.
Hi.
We got this in the mail, and there's been some teensy little mistake Well, well, well! Him! I've got this, Moesha.
Why don't you go clean up your little Lean Cuisine explosion in the microwave? Oh, she's a mess.
Now, how can I not help you two? This is your dead-end job? I pictured you working as a drug mule or a seat filler on The View.
That's a job? Dude, I just made a mistake on the application.
Can't you just give us a break? Our dessert bar is supposed to open tomorrow night.
Please? I gave up a boyfriend for this business, and I'm gonna mess up her pretty face if it doesn't work out.
Max, thank you.
I was starting to think you didn't think I was that pretty.
If we don't fix this, we're gonna have to delay our opening.
So please? You know what? Let me talk to my supervisor.
(audience groans and laughs) His neck's a little rusty, but that's a no.
I would make us a drink but without a liquor license, all I can make is meth.
This is all my fault.
No, I was in a funk about Randy and you had to do all this stuff on your own.
- It's my fault.
- Okay, good.
That's what I really thought, but I just wanted to make sure it was out there.
We have zero luck, Max, zero.
I just stopped by to say I'm sorry about your dessert bar.
You two are unlucky A, F.
That's "As Freddie.
" He's a friend of mine.
He's very unlucky.
Earl, there's no outside liquor.
'Cause it just makes us feel worse.
This ain't outside liquor.
It's from the diner.
Can't you tell by the beef floating in it? Oh, my God.
It's not from outside.
It's from the diner.
Max, who owns the diner? Me, you, and an Asian squirrel.
Max, we don't need a liquor license because - We already have one.
- Uh-huh.
Oh! I just did more math.
Still not math! I haven't seen women move that fast since the Activia recall.
(gasps) Here it is! Oh, my God, Han's middle name is Margaret.
Sometimes the universe just gives you a gift.
(together) This entitles the owner, operator, operators That's us! (together) Of the Williamsburg Diner to serve alcohol to those persons 21 and over, reserving the right to not serve those persons who do not supply valid ID! Max, do you know what this means? I am totally carding Han Margaret when he comes in our dessert bar, which is so opening tomorrow night.
Hey, every-baby.
Still preg achoo! (water breaks) (both gasp) Are you guys seeing this too? I'm never gonna forget it.
I think my water broke.
Oleg! Get out here and bring the mop bucket.
Sophie's in labor.
Oh.
I'm calling the car right now.
It says "Your Lyft driver is already here.
" Did somebody order a car? Look, it's Minnie Driver.
Sophie, we're having a baby.
I'm scared.
She should be scared, she's wearing electric underwear.
Slow, easy breaths.
I am! I was more talking to myself.
Don't leave me in there alone.
You know I see dead people.
It's coming.
It's coming! (groaning) It's here! The baby? (horn honks) Well, a baby.
Oh, good, our goober driver's here.
Aren't I suffering enough to get the diner back from you two? I'm already driving for Lyft and Uber and selling Molly out of that glove compartment.
Shotgun! Han, I hate to hit the stereotype of Asian women drivers, but could you speed the hell up? Do you want to arrive quickly or do you want to arrive safely? A teddy bear doesn't count as carpooling, lady! I can't have a car baby.
Three of my brothers were born in the car.
On the way to the woods, where they were supposed to be born.
Sophie, do you think you could move your seat up a scooch? Only because I think my leg is broken.
This reminds me of a road trip I took one time with Earth, Wind & Fire.
The car was so cramped, we had to leave Wind behind.
I feel like someone just left some wind behind in here.
(honking) Signal much? Ow! Sophie, smile for the camera.
I don't want to miss a minute.
No Golishevsky man has ever been there for the birth of his child.
Why, because it's bad luck to see your wife before she's born? You tell one story where your uncle marries his daughter, and suddenly, you're the incest guy.
Uh-oh.
It's happening.
Oh.
Ah, I can feel the baby's head.
Oh.
(groans) It's your sandwich.
It's yours now.
All right.
Sophie, you have to make it to the hospital.
I sold my rare toe-porn collection to pay for a fancy birthing suite.
I'm gonna give birth to this baby in style.
I won't have to protect it from wild animals afterwards, you know, which is nice.
Sophie, don't get too comfortable in that suite.
You're gonna need to drop it like it's hot the second we get to the hospital.
Max and I have to get ready for our dessert bar opening.
Baby on board! Move it our lose it! (honks) In their defense, it looks like no one's driving this car.
Excuse me, doctor? It's been 12 hours.
Is there some way we could speed this up? You know, jumping jacks, Indian food, a C-section? Does she need to be in here? Yeah.
Yeah, that one and the other one over there are the godparents.
Max.
Yeah, girl.
They're not a couple.
Oleg thinks they do it a little though.
Only 1 centimeter.
I don't feel anything.
It could be a while.
Sophie, you may want to take off the Spanx.
I'm pregnant.
I'm not dead.
(groans) Oh, man, tub legs.
I'll be back.
But not because I want to.
Oleg, come on, film the room.
I want our baby to know that I was treated like a queen.
You know, I think Elton John had this room when he gave birth.
I'm sorry, I lost y'all.
I feel asleep on a gurney and woke up in the morgue.
I scared the pants off a bunch of med students.
(iPhone chimes) Ooh, there's my alarm.
I have to go have break-up phone sex with my ex, Randy.
Like you do.
Well, don't go very far 'cause Oleg gets fainty in hospitals and supermarkets that also sell clothing.
It's just too much.
Max, you and Randy have had more sex since your break-up then I had with my college boyfriend.
Granted, he was very busy with musical theater.
The only time we had sex was when he was in his Cats' costume and he asked me to give him a Rum Tum Tugger.
The rule is you have sex five times before you're broken up.
And this is number five.
Historically, the biggest, sweatiest, and the most butt-centric his, not mine.
So (chuckles) Do not disturb.
It's facing the wrong way, and it's very disturbing.
Hey, Randy.
Oh, sorry, I just, uh, just woke up.
Looks like you've been up for awhile.
Mind if I camp under that pup tent? Can you go roast his marshmallows somewhere else? Excuse me, there's a VVVIP patient coming in who needs this room.
I don't care what kind of disease they have.
I'm not going.
(Caroline gasps) Oh, my God.
That's supermodel Vanessa Nibotito.
(gasps) She's pretty and smart.
It's hard, right girl? I I paid for this room.
That giant bag of quarters? That's us! Is my baby bump seriously getting bumped by a poor man's me? I'm so sorry.
I could send you a copy of my motherhood book if you'd like.
The lady I paid to write it did a great job.
Oh, wait wait a minute, no I'm not going anywhere.
No, wait a minute.
Wait, I'm not no, I'm not going.
You can't make me.
No, wait a minute.
Wait a min oh, wait, wait, wait.
Oh, look, I'm getting a little arm workout here.
Oh, yeah.
Sophie, the hospital is saying they bounced us from the room because we took too long.
They're offering us a cot near the burn unit of the ICU.
Well, ICU don't understand that I'm not having this baby until I get back in my suite.
That's a hard "no," Chris.
Guess who just flirted her way into a free carpal tunnel glove? Some girls flirt their way into a sugar daddy; I get medical supplies.
And more good news Did you get me my room back? No, those days are over.
We're hallway people now.
But I was able to print out flyers for our dessert bar.
I'd love to give them a rounded edge.
Do you have scissors? Are you kidding me? Of course I do.
Look in my bag.
Sophie, they're offering us a full-size bed, but it's in an MRI machine.
I think we should take it.
Dessert bar opening tonight.
We have a ramp.
Excuse me, coming through.
Coming through.
A-lister about to give birth.
Oh, my God.
Celebrity doctor, Nancy Gonzales! You know, I wear your perfume.
Nancy, you might have heard, dessert bar opening tonight.
Someone needs to control the hallway people.
MAX: (giggles) Randy.
Max! (gasps) That wasn't me, it was naughty nurse Wanda.
I was about to give Wanda a shot.
Well, she was gonna give it to herself, but I was gonna tell her exactly how to do it.
Max, isn't playing doctor in a hospital a little on the nose? I like to be on theme.
We can play pirate and lusty wench when I'm in a Long John Silver's.
No, you won't because we're not allowed in there for that very reason.
Plus, didn't you already have your fifth time? You see, Caroline, break-up sex in LA is six times.
It's the DeVito-Perlman rule.
Rhea forgot her yoga mat, and five limoncellos later, boom! The rest is history.
He's a lawyer so we have to listen to him.
Dessert bar opening tonight.
Sophie, any progress in your nethers? 'Cause our dessert bar opens in five hours, and it promises I'll be there on the flyer.
Dessert bar opening tonight.
I'll be there.
Did you really have to refer to yourself as "New York's Own Caroline Channing"? She's coming.
Hallway people, clear a path.
Oh.
(cameras snapping) Congratulations because you're invited to our dessert bar opening.
You can bring the baby if you want, but I wouldn't love it.
What's dessert? I'm still tweeting that she's coming.
I'm taking the suite back, girls.
Roll me in! Yeah, we're not hallway people anymore.
Whoo-hoo! Yeah! (gasps) Ooh.
How long can sushi be sitting out? Ooh, not that long.
What about this one? Max, don't.
It promises on the flyer that you'll be at the dessert bar opening too.
It's in smaller letters, but it's there.
Oh.
I got here as fast as I could.
To take the baby out? No, to see the model.
Um, she's gone.
She kept saying, "Where's Doctor Gomulka?" Really? No, no one's ever said that.
Well, since I'm already disappointed, I guess I'll take a look under the hood.
Oleg, you know how I love to have a snack when I get my exam.
I'll go to the gift shop and grab you some chocolate-heavy trail mix and some Hubba Bubba.
Oh, and Oleg! Turn the bag upside down and oh.
(laughs) He knows.
Well, if I were a gambling man, I'd say it'll be at least five hours.
Achoo! (baby crying) And that's how I lost my house.
Nurse, I need something to cut the umbilical cord.
Oh, I wait, wait.
You're in luck.
- Aww.
- (baby crying) ALL: Aww.
Sophie, you did great.
You're a mother.
Also, gesundheit.
Aw, the baby's beautiful.
Oh, my God.
I had the baby! And Oleg missed it.
Oh, and he had his heart set on seeing the baby being born.
And he missed it.
He's never gonna forgive himself! He's never, never, never, never, never, never Please, Sophie, calm down.
Maybe Oleg didn't miss it.
It worries me how little you know about science stuff.
We'll fake the birth.
You're asking me to help you fake a birth? You'll be fine.
You've faked an orgasm.
Well, that's true.
We have to make Oleg pass out long enough to bring the baby in and make him think he just missed a second of the actual birth.
Sophie, act like you're in labor.
Just yell and tell Oleg you wish you never met him.
It should be easy.
He's coming.
Places.
(panting) Sorry it took so long, but the lady in front of me paid for her Jujubes with a third-party check.
(groaning) Oh, I'm in pain! Oh, I'm about to have a baby for the first time! Okay.
I'm ready.
I popped a Pepto and what I'm now realizing was a laxative.
Oleg, you stay out of the splash zone.
It's go time.
Oh, there is some seriously birthy stuff going on down here.
Oh, should we get a doctor? Even a girl one? There's no time! Because of all the oozing gunk! (groans) Push, Sophie, push! (straining) You you you you did this to me with your gorgeous penis! We're both sorry! Max, anything else disgusting going on down there? Oh, yeah, we got a real sick situation here.
Oh, man, there's a lot of placenta goo.
Oy, oy, oy, oy I haven't been this woozy since I was in a Super Target.
I'm not going down.
- (groaning) - I'm not going down.
The wet, sludgy baby is fighting through the slime! Oh.
Oh.
Oh, girls, quick.
He's down.
Get the baby! Oh, my God.
All right.
All right, now, to wake him up, yell "immigration" or tickle his Immigration! What'd I miss? Look, Oleg.
The baby is here.
And it's a girl.
She has a bejoonie, just like her mama.
She's beautiful, just like her mama.
Yeah.
Do you want to hold her? Yeah? Yeah.
Look.
That's your daddy.
Let her get settled in the world before you start giving her bad news.
Hello, baby.
Barbara! Barbara Kuchenski Golishevsky! Oh, that sounds real musical, doesn't it? Depends what kind of music you listen to.
Aww, she's so cute.
Barbara's a definite? SOPHIE: Yeah.
I'm your godmother.
One day I'm gonna teach you how to lie to these two.
And also this one.
(gasps) Look at all those people at our door.
And not a torch in the mix.
CAROLINA: Oh, Earl.
Are you lost again? The diner is next door! Don't confuse him.
He's our bouncer.
You're our bouncer! Now, you don't really expect everybody on this list to show up, now, do you? 'Cause Liam Hemsworth and I are in a Twitter feud.
Okay, some of it may have been wishful thinking, but I did text 2 Chainz.
We met him on a private plane once.
I gave him my digits.
Uh, 2 Chainz, is that a person or a dress code? It's both.
(audience cheers) Earl, 2 Chainz is a famous rapper.
Oh, my God, 2 Chainz is here ah! I'm letting 2 Chainz the famous rapper in before we open.
What's up, Double C? She prefers to be called, "New York's Own Double C.
" Sup? I can't believe you made it to our dessert bar.
I can't believe anybody knows what a dessert bar is.
Are you kidding? Sugar and alcohol go hand in hand.
It's two great tastes that taste great together.
Like how I seamlessly fuse new-school and old-school flows.
Well, now I get it.
Why didn't you just say that, girls? Now, can I get one of those flan-tinis, please? Look, sorry I didn't recognize you, 2 Chainz.
I let my subscription to Vibe expire in 1984.
Oh, that's okay.
I think they give discounts for return customers.
Oh, really? Well, well, well! Look who opened up a bar after I denied them a liquor license.
Well, well, well, look who decided to wear ladies' pants hoping no one would notice.
J.
Petto, what are you doing here? How did you know we were opening? I definitely didn't give you a flyer.
I follow 2 Chainz on Twitter, sometimes in my car.
Just so you know, I have 911 on speed dial.
Our liquor license, sir.
Uh, this belongs to the Williamsburg Diner.
They're the same property.
We own the diner.
They're related, like Alec and whoever the grossest Baldwin is.
Daniel.
You can't use another establishment's liquor license.
I'm shutting you two down and I'm slapping the owner of the diner with a $25,000 fine.
Who is this bitch? Just some mean, little man with nothing better to do on a Friday night than ruin our lives.
Not true; I'm taking my aunt to drag bingo right after this.
Well, girls, I managed to make it here after this dog fornicated his way across Greenpoint.
(chuckles) Been there.
Done that.
Here's $300.
My earnings after working 12 jobs and being robbed 4 times.
Twice by the same girl.
You can have your diner back.
We feel bad about taking it from you, and also the owner of the diner owes old butt-chin here and the city $25,000.
What? The diner is mine again? Yeah, sorry.
(gasps) Yes! Yes! Yes! I have my baby back.
You have baby everything.
I'm shutting you down for 14 business days.
And you're getting a bill in the mail with very confusing instructions.
And I'm having my birthday here.
Let's bounce, 2 Chainz.
So long, pal.
You're gonna have to find someone else to use as a chew toy.
Oh, man.
Sorry about the bar, girls.
I mean, guess I'm gonna have to get me a bottle of rosé and head over to Mrs.
Fields' again.
Does she have a sister? Or a color TV? See you later, girls.
It look like I'm gonna go party with the old man right here.
(indistinct chatter) Can you guys just give us another minute? Or 14 business days? The only thing that opened and closed faster than us was Whiskey, Tango, Foxtrot.
Well, at least I didn't get a blow out for this.
That lessens the sting of a failed opening.
Are you kidding? I think this is gonna make us more popular.
You know how people always want what they can't have.
Like you with everything.
If that's true, then why do you look upset? 'Cause Randy and I are really broken up.
We burned through the Affleck-Garner clause, the Cox-Arquette addendum.
As soon as we got to the Bieber-Gomez principle, we were ashamed of ourselves.
Max, you're the queen of not following the rules.
"Rules, schmules," you say.
Yes! Rules, schmules! And condoms, schmondoms.
Yeah, that one's not great.
What I'm saying is you make stuff up.
Like this dessert bar.
And that was a great idea.
So you should make up rules for you and Randy.
'Cause it really seems like you guys care about each other.
Yeah, you're right.
Break-up, schmake-up.
Now, go call Randy and make me want to burn my iPad.
Go, I'm begging you.
Yeah, we're gonna kill it in 14 business days.
(cash register bell dings) (upbeat rock music)