Archer s06e01 Episode Script

Ow.
Khao lard gaeng.
Sawat Dee? Well, since I can only assume this is one of your idiot voicemails, I-- Mother?! Well, I'm not falling for it again.
Oh, for-- mother, it's me, Sterling.
Then, what is the square root of nine? Uh negative nine? Sterling? Ha! Elaborate-- God damn it! I'm kidding, it's three, and also me.
Ass.
Now, how'd the hell you find me? I didn't, the CIA did.
Oh, and how are your new overlords? Oh for the-- they're not-- look, think of it as more of a merger.
Ha! Organizations change.
They evolve.
They grow.
Unlike some people I know.
Hey, you know what? To wit, once again you're off on one of your usual self-pitying benders.
It's not a usual one, mother.
In case you forget, I was forced into becoming a parent against my will.
Join the club.
But for God's sake, six weeks is long enough.
Really? It's been six weeks? Yes, so sober up and get a bunch of penicillin shots, because-- Is that him? Is that Lana? Let me talk to him.
Let me talk to her.
So, why'd you run away when you were so excited about being a father when A.
J.
was born? Did reality set it? I-- wait, was that rhetorical? Because the next time you use somebody's sperm to impregnate yourself, then maybe that decision should include that other somebody.
Who? That other somebody who runs away at the thought of responsibility and as we speak is up to his eyeballs in cobra whisky and ladyboy hookers? Oh, that is-- you don't know me.
Ha! I believe there was some mention of the Central Intelligence Agency? They've given us our first freelance mission, and if you screw it up, there won't be a second one, so listen up.
I'm listening.
Two days ago, an American spy plane went down in the jungles of Borneo about 500 miles from you.
The pilot ejected, but without the onboard computer.
You're to secure it, then destroy the aircraft.
You should be receiving a mission dossier well, now.
Wow.
Read it on the way to the airport, and hurry.
All the equipment you'll need is on an air America cargo plane that is waiting for you as we speak.
Uh, mother, it sounded like you said, "cargo plane," when obviously you meant, "first class luxury commercial airliner.
" Sterling, a commercial airline won't let you parachute into the jungle in the middle of a communist insurgency-- A what? at night.
Now, don't screw this up! "Screw it up.
" Yeah, like she's one to talk.
Look how I turned out.
Hey, freaky bigtime! You owe us a hundred thousand bhat! Oh, right, yeah, no problem.
Oh, and I've got an extra twenty thousand if you're genetic females.
Super.
God, okay, final offer, ten thousand baht, some of which has blood on it.
For the millionth and last time, we do not have mini-bottles! Well, then this isn't a real airline.
No, it's not.
It's a CIA front! Still, though.
Why don't you go read the damn dossier? Read about the communist insurgency.
I don't do dossiers.
Besides, I'm not a CIA schoolgirl.
This is a cakewalk for a real spy.
I punch the coordinates in the GPS, get the computer, blow up the plane with C-4, and, uh So then do you guys pick me up, or? Read the dossier.
No.
Suit yourself.
Go, go, go, go, go! Wha-- Assho-- Woohoo! Halo! But mini-bottles? That's not a bad-- I'm sorry, Hank.
I forget you were working the program.
Inappropes.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh my God! Are you guys so frickin' excited? I would be, if you quit jumping around.
Seriously, honey, come on.
Baby on board.
And if you two dopes didn't screw up this $10 million renovation-- Which, again, curious as to why you put Pam and Cheryl in charge.
Because I had a very specific vision, and it wasn't "Japanese whorehouse.
" Well, Ms.
Archer, I think you'll find we were very true to your vision.
Oh, I've dreamed of this day.
I know.
It's I mean I don't know what to say.
Can I even wear shoes in here? Oh, this is nothing.
Wait till you see Oh, my God! I I think I could use a drink.
Oh, shut up.
Hey.
Wha-- Psych! No, bring it back.
It's exactly like it was! We redid everything exactly like it was before Jesus, God, I'm having a stroke.
No, the other one was just a hologram.
What the--? What, what? What just happened? Oh, man! The look on your dumb face.
No, it's a stroke.
I smell toast.
Oh, that's probably just Milton.
Okay, it's the one new thing.
It makes-- lemme finish! toast.
You ruined it.
Agh, son of a-- God, is one last non-malarial hurrah before I go home too much to ask? Agh, thanks jungle.
Eat a buffet of dicks.
Okay, the plane should be just about a half click down this trail, and-- Stop! Stop! Jesus, Kato, will you stop? I mean, is this a mugging, or? You are American.
Hey, English, good.
Yes, I'm American.
Then we are at war! We we as in who, exactly? America, and the Empire of Japan.
The-- wait a minute, do you mean, like, cool Honda scrambler Japan, or-- super uncool Pearl Harbor Japan? What? How long have you been on this island? Since the tenth of May Oh, boy.
Uh, well, Kato-- Sato! First lieutenant Sato Kentaro.
Well Ken, I've got some bad news.
Oh, and also some worse news.
Liar.
Why would I lie about the war being over? Since 1945, I might add.
To trick me into surrendering! Um I do not surrender, nor consent to be your prisoner, so just kill me.
What? No.
Ken, will you relax or is your entire generation physically incapable of doing that? How can I relax while we are at war? We're not! Here, shut up, look.
Here's you guys signing the surrender on the USS Missouri.
Here's all the VJ day parades in America.
Here's The Bad News Bears Go to Japan.
That's Lupus and Tanner.
Oh, and here's a link to an episode of The Six Million Man about this exact thing we're doing right now.
The six million who? Oh, God, you've got so much to catch up on.
Okay, so there's this guy, Steve Austin, and he was an astronaut, but-- damn, wait.
Okay.
So, an astronaut-- What is this thing? This device? It's a telephone, kinda, that talks to outer space, and also-- shit! What? I'm supposed to go find a computer.
Here? There are no building in the jungle big enough to hold a computer! No, they're really small, now.
I think you guys actually did that.
Anyway, I need to go get one out of a plane that crashed near here, so Yes, I know where this airplane is.
Duh.
Me, too.
So, if I just kinda leave, are you gonna be cool, or try to sneak up on me and slit my throat? Well, I hope you're happy because I feel like a total dick.
And also kinda racist.
And I resent you making me feel like that, so I'm not a racist.
I just wanted it to be all white.
Jeezy Petes, this drawer squeaks exactly like the old one did! And is this Is this Brett's blood? Ugh, no, just the same type.
We had to fudge it a little on the stains, some of which actually were fudge.
And some of which merely resembled it.
But why would you do this? Okay, it should be right up here, and if you try any funny stuff-- Please, be more quiet.
Many enemy soldiers patrol the jungle.
Guerillas, I think, Chinese and Malays.
Oh, that must be the insurgency they were talking about, the communists.
They are communists? So, America's allies? What? No.
Communists hate America.
No, American and Russian and Chinese are fighting together for communism.
No, against fascism! And that was-- Ow! Ouch.
Ya think?! Ya think ouch, do ya? The guerillas! They will kill me, let me go! They'll kill me! Pull me up, or I will kill you! At least give me the gun.
I'll give you the bullets! You would rather we both die?! I'm honestly kind of on the fence! Oh, shut up.
Hey.
And here's your office, Ms.
Archer And if the rest of you will follow me, we've still got a lot to cover.
But it's all just the same as it was.
Exactly.
That's the whole point.
But it almost would've been cheaper to build a time machine and go back to before the office got blown up.
We looked into that! But that technology doesn't exist! I'll catch up, I gotta run in here real quick and grab some urinal cakes.
Why the hell do you need urinal cakes? For my shower at home.
Oh, lord.
Gross.
Ms.
Archer looks like a mule kicked her in the face.
How's the water? Sweet baby James, it is perfect.
Um uh Pam.
Pam.
Yes, of course, I know you're-- So I gained the weight back.
Sue me.
No, I was-- Look, my therapist says everybody's got a hole that needs to be filled.
Some people fill it with drugs, some fill it with work, some fill it with between-meal snacks and liquor and their therapist's cock.
Um, I was actually looking at your pubic hair.
Oh, yeah.
It's a lightning bolt, but I guess the letters could use a touch-up.
It's supposed to say "TCB.
" "Takin' care of beaveness.
" Super.
Kampai.
Kampai.
Is that medicine? Painkillers.
Mixed with candy.
I call 'em "Mike and Vikes.
" Hm.
I'm sorry about your foot.
Why? It's not your-- Wait, you led me right into that damn tiger trap?! My orders were to defend this island from the enemy until I was relieved.
I'm not-- America's not your enemy! Japan has no enemies! You're like I wanna say a platypus, but I'm not sure if that's an accurate analogy.
You were saying something before you fell in, about the communists? Huh? Oh, yeah.
Like, literally the day after the war ended, the U.
S.
and Russia became mortal enemies.
China, too.
Called the Cold War.
Then we kinda became friends again.
So, now you are Now I'm actually not sure where we stand.
We left it kinda weird.
Who is we? I do not understand.
So, I work with, and used to date, a woman named Lana, who got pregnant.
Well yes, but you can hardly blame Sterling for being upset, I mean-- Ugh, even the ice is the same! That hint of bleach.
Anyway, you didn't ask if you could use his goop.
What?! Malory, the whole thing about me using his "goop" was your idea! Prove it.
So now let's talk about this name, Abbiejean.
Don't you think she'd be better off if she were a Malory? Thoughts? You do not want to know my thoughts.
I do, Ken.
I much very do.
You're a major dickhole.
And you're kind of a mean drunk.
My wife, Hatsumi, and my daughter, Keiko.
Do you know what I would give to have seen her grow up? Yeah, but-- And now you have the chance I never had, but you just throw it away.
I mean, ya know, I'm going back, obviously, I'm gonna parent the shit outta that kid, I just-- I just needed some time or space or whatever, you know, to kinda Dickhole.
The March of News! The tide of war in the Pacific is finally changing, as U.
S.
Marines attack the Japs on the island of Guadalcanal.
I dunno.
Some cereal.
It's supposed-- supposed to be good for you.
What's that-- what, what-- What's that?! What the--? Oh.
Morning, Ken.
So I know this a long shot, but do you know how to make eggs Woodhouse? Ken? Ken, what are you doing-- Victory in the Pacific! Japan finally surrenders, brought to her knees by the explosion of two atomic bombs What? No, no, no! No, Ken.
Turn it off.
The first, dropped on Hiroshima, and the second, on Nagasaki.
I, uh, I-- I'm sorry.
Why? Why? Why are you sorry?! That you had to see that.
That it even happened in the f-- Sneak attack.
Typical.
Aiyah! Hello? Goddammit.
Mother Mother, it's-- Well, listen up, Vinny voicemail.
I hope you check your messages, because if you don't retrieve that computer and meet the extraction team within the next two hours, you can just get used to bananas! If you'd like to make a call Even the damn phone is the same.
Everything is the same.
Jesus! Okay, so, Ken, we've got a situation.
We don't have anything.
You have a situation.
I am going home to Japan! Well unless you wanna swim there-- which, spoiler alert, you can't, it's too far-- you're gonna need my help! Ha! Because you also need my help.
Only because you just broke two of my ribs, in addition to impaling me on a bamboo stake, on which, I think we both know, you smeared some poop! I-- And if you did I don't wanna know! Because you'd have no idea what you're supposed to be looking for! Not that I do, necessarily, but-- Will you please hurry? Keep your raggedy bits of shirt on! That looks pretty computery to me.
So now all I have to do is-- Shit.
Come.
We must go now.
Not yet.
I gotta blow this thing.
Then blow it, and then come.
I mean, really? It's like why even-- I'm sorry! No, no, no, no, no! Hey, remember that time you broke some of my ribs?! And then all the remaining ones? It's your own fault.
My fault-- oh, shit, I didn't blow it! What?! I was supposed to blow up the plane! No, what're you-- I'll just lie! You cannot shirk your duty! Yes, I can! I do it all the time! Goddammit.
Asshole! Which way to the extraction point? Uh I guess head for the beach? Well? Yeah, it's nice, although, I assumed there'd be a bar.
You said this was the extraction point.
Uh, no, I merely implied that.
I have no idea where it is.
Although Ah, so you did know.
No, I totally didn't.
Swear to God.
Things just usually work out for me.
Which I kinda take for granted.
You Archer? Duh! So, ready to go home? I think no.
I have been gone far too long.
My family, even if they are still alive, surely by now they have moved on.
Uh-huh.
It would not be fair to them, if I were to return after so many years.
Yeah, return to, uh Where did you and Hatsumi and Keiko used to live? Hm? Oh, Takamori.
A very small town, in Nagano prefecture, but-- Moshi moshi.
Hatsumi? Sato Hatsumi? Hai.
Hatsumi Kentaro-San? Hatsumi.
Hey, there's this new thing we have called a schedule.
We need a minute! Captain shit-nuts! Tell her I said hi.
Nope.
No, no, huh-uh, no.
You don't disappear for six weeks, and then just waltz in here like you never left, and casually say, "Hi"! First of all, Lana, I didn't waltz in here, not with nine broken ribs, a punctured lung, severe penetration trauma to my foot, and poop-related septicemia! - And also crabs.
- Ugh! I assume from the jungle.
Oh please, if-- Not to mention that stupid computer, which is why you're upset, I mean jealous, because I aced the mission! What? And you did blow up the plane? The plane blew up! Yes! I don't-- Jealous? Oh, shut up.
Hey! I'm not jealous about the mission.
I'm upset because no one knew where you were.
And if, huge if, you're gonna be involved, oh my God, in any sort of parental role for Abbiejean.
No, yeah, and I, ya know, I want to.
But are we married to Abbiejean, or? Believe me, I tried.
Zip it, gee-baw! No! I will not be called gee-baw.
It's grandmother Archer or nothing! Then hush.
Because we, you and I, are gonna have to establish some ground rules.
Lana, they're just gonna get broken.
I am now going to feed our child.
If you'd like to talk while I do so, follow me.
I would! I would love to talk, Lana.
Just don't wanna have to listen.
And how about this renovation, huh? I can't believe they pulled it off.
What? You knew about this?! Yeah, I was on the planning committee.
I'm not a huge fan of change.
Except for you, Milton!