Dad's Army (1968) s06e01 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
.
2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? All right, now pay attention.
I just received a new directive from GHQ regarding Nazi parachutists.
I'm going to read it to you.
''There is a danger that the Home Guard might confuse British pilots ''and aircrews who are bailing out, with actual German parachute troops.
'' Not that our chaps get shot down very often but this could happen.
''A good point to remember here is the fact that no British plane contains more than six men.
'' So if you see a bunch of parachutists floating down, you count them.
And if there are more than six, you shoot them in the air.
-Mr Mainwaring.
-Yes? If they're dressed as nuns, do we still count them? Count them however they're dressed.
It isn't likely that a plane load of real nuns would be floating down in parachutes.
You can't be too sure, sir.
I look at it this way.
Supposing in occupied France there's this nunnery.
And one day the chief nun calls all the other nuns round and she says, ''Now, listen, girls, ''let us escape to dear old England.
'' They all creep out and they get hold of an aeroplane and they fly and fly and fly and when these flying nuns have got to England, they're not quite cognizant with landing methods.
And so they all jump out in parachutes.
I think you're getting into the realms of fantasy here, Jones.
Well, it's a possibility, sir.
It's a possibility.
Well, it's a million to one chance.
I suppose we've got to take every precaution.
Well, it is really all quite simple, you see.
When they come floating down, the turbulence of the air will cause their habits to rise.
Therefore, you'll be able to see their legs so you can tell if it's a real nun or not.
-Yes.
That's a very good point, Wilson.
-Thank you.
Very good.
You must look at their legs.
Sir, I think I can't look at a nun's legs.
It would be very impolite.
You'll just have to force yourself, Godfrey.
This is war.
-Mr Mainwaring.
-Yes? Afraid I don't know what real nuns' legs look like.
I've never seen them.
-Come to that, I don't think anybody has.
-Hairy ones! What'd you say, Frazer? Well, if they're Nazis, they'll have horrible, hairy legs with jackboots on.
What do we do if they're real nuns, with horrible hairy legs and jackboots on? All right, all right, that'll do.
Now, the fact that a Nazi parachutist was floating down with his hands up would not necessarily mean that he was surrendering.
He could be concealing a grenade in each hand.
So watch out.
Watch for that.
(Telephone ringing) -Answer the telephone, Pike, will you? -Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
And talking about grenades, have you primed our stock of Mills bombs? Oh, no, no, no.
-Why not? I told you to.
-It's awfully dangerous, sir.
War is awfully dangerous, Wilson.
What would you do if a hoard of Nazi parachutists were suddenly to descend upon this hall? Say, ''Would you mind waiting a minute while we prime the hand grenades?'' -I want those bombs ready for use tonight.
-Right, sir.
-Mr Mainwaring.
-Yes? You're wanted on the telephone.
GHQ say it's very important.
-Of course.
Take charge, Wilson.
-Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
-Get out of the way, boy.
-Yes, sir.
-Shut the door, Pike.
-Yes, sir.
From the other side.
Get out.
-You should have said -Get out! Good evening, sir.
Good evening, Mainwaring.
I've got a very important job for you.
Excellent.
What is it? I've just had a message from the police.
A fishing boat has picked up a U-boat captain and seven members of the crew.
They're down in the harbour now, locked in the ship's hold.
By Jove, this is good news, sir.
I want you to pick them up and take them to the church hall.
I'll send an armed escort over to collect them later.
Right.
Very good, sir.
Yes, we'll do that.
Face to face with the enemy at last, eh? -Leave thIs to us, sIr.
-I don't think you'll get much trouble from them.
They've been drifting in the sea for two days in a rubber dinghy.
Good luck.
Thank you, sir.
Good news, men.
After all these months, we're at last to be given a chance to get to grips with the enemy.
Blimey.
Don't tell me we're going to invade France.
You're not going to do anything too hasty, are you? I've got something very important to say to the men.
-Did you find out what nuns' legs look like? -No, no, no, of course not.
Now listen, men.
A fishing vessel has picked up the commander and crew of a U-boat and we're going down to the harbour to collect them.
Right, fix bayonets! Come on, now! -I can't wait to get at them, sir.
I can't wait -Never mind that.
There'll be plenty of time for that when you get down here.
I can't help it, sir.
I can't help it.
As soon as I get a whiff of action, sir, I just reach for my bayonet.
It's in my nature, sir.
That's all, it's in my nature, that's all.
-Fall the men in outside.
-Yes, right, sir.
To collect U-boat crew, fall in outside! Rifles out, bayonets, at the double! Come on now.
-Wilson.
-Right, sir.
-Pike.
-Sir.
While we're away, I want you to prime those hand grenades.
-If you insist, sir.
-I do and I want them ready for when I get back.
All right, sir.
Come along, quickly as you can.
Get fell in.
WhIstle whIle you work All right, you guys! It's a showdown! Share this pineapple between you! Frank.
For heaven's sake.
Frank, put that thing down.
Sorry.
They do call them pineapples, those Chicago gangsters, though.
I saw it in that film Scarface, Paul Muni.
I don't care what they're called.
They're very, very dangerous.
These aren't.
Look, they haven't got any detonators.
-You can see right through.
-No, no, please.
Shall I get them? No, stay where you are, Frank, please.
I'll get the detonators.
This is very, very dangerous this.
Awfully tricky.
Now.
Oh, dear.
There are only two in that one.
-Look, there's another box in the back.
Let me -Just stand back, don't touch anything.
''Dummy primers for training purposes only.
'' Dummy detonators aren't any good, are they? They've gotta be the real thing.
-Look that -Just a minute.
Just a minute.
How would it be if we put these dummies into the grenades instead of the real thing? Mr Mainwaring said they've got to be ready for instant use.
What if the Germans came along? We could soon change them round, it would only take a minute.
I mean, we could get it done before the bells stopped ringing.
Won't half be cross if he finds out.
Well, I can't help feeling he'll be a lot crosser if we all get blown up.
-Now, come on.
Let's do that.
-Dummies.
Come on.
WhIstle whIle you work JONES: Left, right, left, right, left, right.
Put on that grIn and start rIght In to whIstle loud and long #Just hum a merry tune # Left, right, left, right.
Right.
Handy-hock! Handy-hock! Handy-hock! Hock! All right, they can put their hands down now, Jones.
Right, handies down.
Handies down.
-NIcht hock! NIcht hock! NIcht hock! -What are you doing? -He's still hocking.
-Never mind that.
All right, all right.
-Now, Frazer.
-Sir.
Get the Lewis gun, set it up on the stage where you've got a clear sweep of the entire hall.
I'll do that, sir.
-Sponge? -Sir.
-Hancock, get me a stepladder, will you? -Right, Mr Mainwaring.
-Corporal Jones.
-Sir.
Get these prisoners into a tight huddle in the middle of the hall.
Right.
In a huddle at the double in a small group in the centre of the hall.
Come along now.
There you are, sir.
I'm awfully glad that you got back all right.
-Did they give you any trouble? -No, not really.
-An ugly mob, though.
-Yes.
-See this captain here? -Oh, yes.
He's a surly brute, watch him.
He's done nothing but sneer and smoke cigarettes.
That reminds me, sir.
I wonder if he's got any left, I seem to have run out.
This isn't a cocktail party, Wilson.
-Have you primed those grenades? -Well, sir, you see I think I can honestly say, sir, that all the grenades now have detonators in them.
Good.
Get the Tommy gun, Pike.
-Tommy gun.
-Tommy gun? Thank you, yes.
Now look, there's an armed escort picking this lot up.
-Yes.
-And in the meantime, I want maximum security, you understand? Maximum security.
All right, sir.
Maximum security.
Yes, sir.
Here you are, sir.
All loaded and ready.
-Right, set it up.
-Aye, sir.
-Permission to speak, sir.
-Yes.
-Why don't we chop off their trouser buttons? -What? If we chop off their trouser buttons and they try to run away, that would show something unusual.
And then if there should be some person nonchalantly walking down the street and they see the men with all their trousers round their legs, they will make some enquiries.
You! You don't dare to do anything of the sort.
The Geneva Convention states clearly the prisoners of war shall not be put in humiliating positions.
You'll be in a humiliating position if you get this up you, mate.
Don't! Don't threaten me, you silly old fool.
-You -Jones! -He called me a silly old fool, sir! -What are you doing? All right, never mind.
We're not savages.
You get back in your place and speak when you're spoken to.
That's right.
Get back in the huddle.
I'm warning you, Captain.
Just do as you're told.
(Coughing) You see the sort of unscrupulous slime we're up against, don't you? I quite agree, sir.
Yes, sir.
I must admit he has rather an abrupt manner, but we must make allowances for him, sir, you see.
He's probably a little bit upset because he sank his submarine.
-Where do you want this, Mr Mainwaring? -Here you are.
Set it up here.
-PIKE: Mr Sponge, I'll give you a hand.
-Right.
Thank you.
-There we go.
-Right, Pike, get on top with your Tommy gun.
Where you've got a clear view of the entire hall.
Up you go.
You know I can't go up ladders.
Not with my vertigo.
Come along, come along, boy.
It ain't half wobbly.
You know I've got a doctor's note.
Will you get up there? Godfrey.
Where's Godfrey? -Godfrey! -Did someone call? I'm terribly sorry, sir.
I must've dozed off.
Dozed off? We're guarding a dangerous bunch of cut-throats and you doze off? Now, I want you to watch them like a hawk, you understand? Like a hawk! Hold this ladder.
(Telephone ringing) -Take charge, will you, Wilson? -All right, sir.
Mainwaring here.
HQ here.
Everything all right, Mainwaring? Yes, yes, all safe and sound.
Just waiting for you to pick them up, sir.
Ah.
Well, I'm afraid the escort won't be able to get over there until tomorrow.
You mean, you want us to keep them all night? Sorry, there's nothing I can do about it.
Just give them a blanket each and bed them down.
Oh, and give them something to eat of course.
I'm afraid we've only got our own sandwiches, Colonel.
Well, send out for some fish and chips.
-Send out for? -I'll see you get the money back.
-I'll be over about 8.
.
00 In the mornIng.
CheerIo.
-Bye.
Fish and chips.
-Wilson.
-Yes, sir? -Come here.
Jones.
-Yes, sir? Come on, Jones.
Conference here.
Now, listen, the armed escort can't get here before morning.
So we've got to keep these chaps all night.
Well, in that case, we really better chop their buttons off.
Put that thing away.
Now, I'm going to have a word with these prisoners, Wilson.
You can't speak any German, can you, sir? They'll know by the tone of my voice that I'm in charge.
They recognise authority when they see it.
-You better come with me.
-Yes, of course, sir.
Now, pay attention! I say, they're awfully well disciplined, aren't they, sir? Nothing of the sort.
Just slavish, blind obedience.
Not like the cheerful discipline of our own jolly Jack Tars.
(Mainwaring clearing his throat) I tell you, Wilson, they're a nation of automatons led by a lunatic who looks like Charlie Chaplin.
How dare you compare our glorious leader with that non-Aryan clown.
-Now, look here -I am making notes, Captain.
And your name will go on the list.
And when we win the war, you will be brought to account.
You write what you like.
You're not going to win this war.
-Oh, yes, we are.
-Oh, no, you're not.
Oh, yes, we are.
# Whistle while you work Hitler is a twerp # He's half-barmy So's his army Whistle while you work Your name will also go on the list.
-What is it? -Don't tell him, Pike! -Pike, thank you.
-You rotten thing! Okay, I've had about enough of you.
You tell your men that they've got to stay here for the night and they better behave themselves.
Now get on with it.
-Uncle Arthur.
-Yes.
Now, what is it, Frank? It's not fair my name going on the list.
I was only joking.
You really must try and be more careful.
You must realise by now that the Germans have absolutely no sense of humour.
But he said much worse things about Hitler.
He said much worse things about Quiet! Quiet, Frank.
He'll hear you.
Do you think if you had a nice word with him, he'll take my name off? -Yes, all right.
I'll have a nice word with him.
-Go on.
Wenn Ich so tue, als ob Ich Magenschmerzen habe, sollt Ihr alle aufpassen, aufmerksam seIn.
Verstanden? Ja, KapItan.
-You tell them what I said? -Ja.
Walker, come here.
The fish and chip shop still open? Yes, I think so.
Why? Here's 1 0 shilling.
Go and buy some for the prisoners.
Oh, right.
Right, now then.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Right, eight cod and chips.
I want plaice.
Right, it's one plaice and chips, seven cod and chips.
Right, who wants vinegar? Also, aufpassen.
WIe vIele von euch wollen EssIg? One, two, three, four vinegar.
Who wants salt? Also, wIeder mal alle aufpassen.
WIe vIele von euch wollen Salz? One, two, three with salt.
Who don't want salt or vinegar? Also, zum drItten Mal.
WIe vIele ohne Salz oder EssIg? That's two without salt or vinegar.
Here, come here.
Just see if I got this right.
Now, you want plaice and chips.
They are going to have cod and chips.
And it's four with vinegar, three with salt and two without salt or vinegar -Walker, what are you doing? -I'm taking the order.
And I don't want any nasty, soggy chips.
I want mine crisp.
Und light brown.
-Crisp und light -Never mind that rubbish.
You'll have what you're given.
If I say you'll eat soggy chips, you'll eat soggy chips! Soggy chips.
I've got my eyes on you So best beware where you roam You think he'd give us the chance to have a wee bit turn at having a sleep.
No, it's no good, Taffy.
-Won't let us take our eyes off them.
-No.
He's obsessed.
Sir, do you think I can possibly be excused? Certainly not, stay at your post.
You hang on to this ladder, Mr Godfrey.
Well, don't keep staring at me.
Look in some other direction.
Put that down.
You're supposed to be watching the prisoners.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I beg your pardon.
-Keep them well covered, Jones.
-I'm watching them, sir.
Captain Mainwaring, that fellow does keep his eye on you, every single minute.
You know, I've got a kind of a notion that he doesn't like you very much.
It wouldn't like to be in your shoes, Captain Mainwaring.
If he turned the tables on us.
There's very little chance of that, Walker.
Well, I've had a good night, Mr Yeatman.
Booked three houses for showing lights and shared a bottle of ale with you.
Oh, by the way Mr Hodges, not a word to his reverence that I keep a bottle in my hidy-hole.
Oh, you can rely on me.
I'm the soul of discretion.
Mum's the word.
Well, we better say good night to Napoleon.
Good night, Napoleon.
Blimey! What's all this? They're German prisoners of war.
Keep away from them.
You've no right to keep Germans in the parish hall.
The vicar The vicar will be furious! You mind your own business.
What's the matter with you, mate? I feel so ill.
It is my stomach.
Here, give us a hand, Verger.
Get away from him.
What you talking about? He's sick, can't you see? FRAZER: He does look bad.
I expect it was those soggy chips you made him eat.
Maybe you ought to do something, sir.
-I don't trust him.
-We just can't leave him lying there.
Of course you can't.
He's some mother's son, you know, Mainwaring.
He's got a heart of stone, you know, Mr Hodges.
Sir, I've got some bicarbonate of soda here in my first aid pack.
Would that help? -Stay where you are, Godfrey.
-You keep hold of this ladder.
-Jones, you keep him well covered.
-Yes, sir.
Watch him like a hawk.
Like a hawk, do you understand? Yes, sir, I'm completely cocked.
-Pike! Pike, do the same.
-Yes, sir.
I'm going in.
Something very funny here.
Look, what are you afraid of? They're only a few harmless German sailors.
His breathing's all right.
How's the pulse? No one is moving! Also, das MaschInengewehr.
Los.
Schnell.
Get back.
You're not getting this.
Get back! I've got my eyes on you So don't stray too far from home -All right, Wilson? -Yes, sir.
Hancock, Sponge and Desmond are posted outside, sir.
They're covering the back door and the office window.
Stupid, drunken, fool, Hodges.
I didn't let them have the gun, did I, sir? -No, you behaved very well, Jones.
-Yes.
I haven't felt like this since I was in the trenches in 1 91 6.
I did do well, didn't I, Mr Wilson? Didn't I do well? -Yes, you did.
Awfully well, very well indeed.
-Yes.
And you behaved well as well.
You kept cool, you did.
You kept cool.
You thought so, did you? Very cool, was I? Thank you.
Hey, hey, hey.
When your mutual admiration society have quite finished, maybe you'll tell us just what we're going to do now, Captain Mainwaring.
He's right.
I mean, we can't hang about like this all night.
Look, they've got one revolver between them.
They can't get out of the office.
We are holding all the trump cards.
See? All right, Verger.
-Do they want to surrender? -No.
I've got a message from the captain.
He says he wants you to take him and his men back to the fishing boat so that they can cross to France.
Wants what? And if you don't agree to his terms, he's going to blow Mr Hodges' head off.
Mr Mainwaring, if you let him escape back to France, they'll get another submarine and start sinking British ships again.
I'm afraid Jones is absolutely right, sir.
It's one man's life against thousands.
A terrible decision you've got to take, Captain Mainwaring.
But you must admit, you never liked the man.
-Tell him we want time to think it over.
-Right.
-Well? -He's thinking it over.
Tell him I give him until dawn.
What did Mainwaring say? I must admit it, Mr Hodges.
It doesn't look too good for you.
My God! If only we could get that gun away from him.
-Permission to speak, sir.
-Yes.
Supposing I dress up in some old clothes and I black my face, and I knock on the door and say, ''I'm a chimney sweep.
'' And I see Mr Hodges there and I say, ''Hello, Fritz.
'' And they'll say, ''Why do you call him Fritz?'' And I'll say, ''Because he isn't British.
He's really a German prisoner of war.
''And he's only an air raid warden in his spare time.
'' Mr Mainwaring, I saw that film PetrIfIed Forest.
You know, with Leslie Howard and Humphrey Bogart.
Well, in that, Humphrey Bogart had got Leslie Howard prisoner, you see, and he's holding him prisoner in a cabin overnight by gun point.
Now, Leslie Howard kept on quoting poetry at him and using long words and sneering at him and he got him all annoyed, you see, Leslie Howard did.
You could do that.
I missed that film, Frank.
-What actually happened to Leslie Howard? -He got shot.
Stupid boy.
I saw Freddie Bartholomew in DavId CopperfIeld.
There was nothing in that.
I've never heard such drivel in my life.
DavId Cop Wait a minute.
Mr Micawber.
Something's bound to turn up.
Look, we'll go along with this game of theirs.
We're going to march right through the town, right down to the harbour and during that time, somebody's bound to give an alarm.
We'll agree to your terms.
Even if they get to the boat, the Navy will blow them out of the water before they've gone a mile.
I'm glad you came to your senses, Captain.
Also, das MaschInengewehr, los.
Und hab'AchtI -Put down your rifles.
-No.
MAINWARING: Do as he says.
Get me a hand grenade and a piece of string.
-See to that, Wilson.
-All right, sir.
Haben SIe dIe Gewehre entladen You won't get away with this.
Somebody will spot you going through the town.
No one will interfere, Captain, because you'll be escorting us through the streets with empty rifles.
And how do you propose to make us do that? Very simply.
-Is it primed? -Yes.
-You don't mind if I make sure? -By all means.
Good.
You, old man, you take off your belt and undo the back of your tunic.
-I beg your pardon? -Do as I tell you.
Remove your belt.
And just to make sure, Captain, that your behaviour is correct, this old man will march in front of me.
And one false move from you and I pull the string.
Oh! Don't make any false moves, Mr Mainwaring.
And don't make any real ones, either.
Ten seconds will be enough for me to get clear, but I don't think it is enough time for the old man to unbutton his tunic.
A terrible way to die.
You unspeakable swine.
I'm the commanding officer of this unit and, as such, I reserve the right to have that bomb in my waistband.
No, sir.
I cannot let them put a bomb down your trousers, sir.
They can put 20 bombs down my trousers and they will not make me crack.
You can't win this war.
-See the sort of men that this country breeds.
-Rather stupid ones.
All very well to sneer, but you've forgotten one thing, Captain.
-Oh, yes? What's that? -The Royal Navy.
You've got 25 miles of water to cross.
You won't make it.
Oh, yes, we will, because you will all be in the boat with us.
We will leave that man behind to tell them.
The Royal Navy will not shoot on their own people.
When we arrive in France, you will be my prisoners.
And then, we shall examine the list.
Wherever the sea May happen to be #A saIlor Is found KnockIng around #All over the place #All over the place The North or the South The East or the West -Uncle Arthur? -Yes? If I told the German it's a dummy detonator in the grenade, -do you think he'll take me off his list.
-Do be quiet, Frank.
Blimey, sir.
Look, there's the colonel.
The game's up.
What are you going to do now? I am not going to do anything.
You will bluff your way out.
I refuse to cooperate in any way whatsoever.
He won't go through with it, Jones.
Please, Mr Mainwaring.
If you don't do as he says, he'll pull the string.
-Oh, no, he won't.
-Oh, yes, I will.
He says he will, Mr Mainwaring.
Platoon, halt! Where on earth are you taking the prisoners, Mainwaring? Well, I Captain Mainwaring thought they ought to go for a walk, sir.
Get a bit of fresh air.
They've been cooped up in a submarine for weeks.
But what's the matter with you, man? You're as white as a sheet.
You look as if you'd seen a ghost.
A breath of fresh air will do him the power of good, sir.
We're taking them down to the harbour.
The sailors like a sea breeze.
-Yes, yes.
-Well, all right.
I'm going up to the railway station to pick up the escort for the prisoners.
-I'll see you later.
-Yes, sir.
-Platoon -Wait a minute.
I'm surprised at you, Mainwaring.
Your men are always so smartly turned out.
Why isn't Corporal Jones wearing his equipment and what's this great lump of string hanging down his Where, sir? It slipped down! It slipped down! Save yourself, sir.
Save yourself! -Hang on, sir.
I'll cut it out.
-No! I wonder if I might borrow your revolver.
-What the hell is going on? -I'll explain later.
Now, listen to me, you German fellows.
Would you mind getting up against the wall and putting your hands up, please? Go on.
Come on.
Quick as you can.
There's good fellows.
Jones! Jones! Jones, that should have gone off by now.
It should have gone off by now.
So it should.
I've been saved.
I've been saved! -Thought I told you to prime those grenades.
-Oh, I did, sir.
With dummies.
Why is it you can never do anything that you're told Wilson, you've saved Jones's life.
Well, now perhaps you'll agree with me, sir.
It's very dangerous to keep them primed.
Excuse me, sir.
Now that the crisis is passed, do you mind asking Frazer to take his hand out of my trousers.