Drunk History (2013) s06e01 Episode Script
Are You Afraid of the Drunk?
1 [spooky music.]
- You okay, Kirb? Cheers.
- Cheers.
Yeah, I'm so good.
- This is so much fun.
- This is so much fun.
- I actually love camping.
- Yeah, me, too, and finally, we're all going camping.
- I love it.
- The three of us are going - Wait, where's Rich? - I don't know.
He said he went off the pee and he just hasn't come back.
Rich? - [clears throat.]
Hello.
- Whoa! - Whoa.
- I'm right here.
- Where were you? - I was in a place you wouldn't understand.
Back there with the ban the bananas.
And I don't want to talk about it anymore.
[laughter.]
Let me tell you something.
I just learned the scariest story in the whole world.
It's not something for the squeamish.
You guys for the squeamish? I'm Rich Fulcher and today Oh, we know.
We invited you on this trip.
Of course.
But I'm Rich Fulcher and today we're going to talk about the creation of Frankenstein.
[gasping.]
Yeah, I shit you not.
It was 1816, which is over two years ago.
[laughs.]
Now, Mary Shelley was 18 years old and she was traveling around with her sep sep-sister? - Her step-sister? - Step-sister.
- You know the story! - Okay, yeah.
Claire Clairmont.
And they were traveling around France, but they had another companion, Mary's lover, Percy Shelley, one of the premiere poets - of the day.
- Wait, Percy Shelley? She was in love with someone who had the her last name? - Two names.
- Percy.
Shelley Percy? Duh! - Good luck.
- Nope! He is not gonna say that.
- Mary Gollum-Smith.
- Okay.
Her name is Mary Gollum-Swol-God.
[giggling.]
Her name is Mary Wallen-Godstroff-Cognin.
[laughter.]
And she is [laughter.]
[laughs.]
There is no fucking way.
[laughter.]
I'll get it.
I'm gonna get it.
Why don't you throw in some more consonants, Greg? - I will get it.
- Okay, we got it.
We got it, we got it.
- What was her name? - Okay [snorts.]
- Her name is Wallen-Gone - Mary.
- Mary.
- Her name is Mary Wallstone-Croft-Goglin.
- Okay? - Got ya.
- Let me tell you - Is that it? No, but let me tell you about her.
Mary Gollen-Swoft.
Don't try it again.
You got it.
They were traveling around France.
They were having a great time.
Oh, there's bread! Oh, there's a peanut! [burps.]
I love this place.
They were a very free-flowing type of threesome now.
So Claire said to the gang, "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! "Hold up! Let's go to Lake Geneva! Lord Byron is there!" Lord Byron, who was one of the premiere poets of the day.
And he fucked around.
- Should I say that? - You can say that.
Okay, he was one of those Romantic poets who would say stuff like "I love you!" [laughs.]
So you, uh, something like that.
I'm not really a poet myself, but anyway.
So Claire said, "Hey, all right, here's the deal.
I slept with him and I still want to have some sleeps with him.
Come on.
Let's go back to Lord Byron.
Let's go to Lake Geneva!" And sure enough, she got them all to go to Lake [burps.]
[spluttering laugh.]
Are you okay? Okay.
But here's the kicker.
1816 look it up was the year without a summer.
Mount Tambora blew every fucking shit out of people.
The eruption of the volcano covered the whole Earth and made the world be not hot.
Uh, they were like, wow, I don't have a summer.
I got a c-coat on! I'm all fucked up with the May non-summer apparel.
Eww.
And Lord Byron said let's hang out inside and fuck.
[laughing.]
It really happened.
So listen, they were all having sex and they're going, Oh, which one are you? I'm Mary! And then Mary and Claire are having a good time and then, all of a sudden, Percy and Claire and then Lord Byron and Mary and They're like a pretzel area and, don't forget, there's the personal physician of Lord Byron, John Poly-oro.
Something like that.
He's sitting there, eating a pickle, and they started to drink liquid opium, as one does.
And they started to talk about philosophy and scary things.
Lord Byron picked up this book and said, "Hey, look at this book I just found.
" In a Scottish accent.
It's "Phantasmagorium.
" It's a German book, uh, translated from France.
It's a French book that translates German It's some kind of translation book that has lots of ghosts.
- Whoa.
- Ooh! This is about a knight who gives his kids a kiss of death on the forehead.
- And you know what happened? - Hmm? They all died of rabies.
Ooh! This is scary.
Yeah, so no, but here's the scary part.
Percy freaked out so much at the story, he hallucinated that Mary had a demon head coming out of her nipples.
[laughter.]
Yeah.
No, I shit you not.
He was like, ah, demons, on your areolas! Not tonight, please! No! Of all nights.
And Lord Byron all of a sudden says, hey, I got it.
Let's have a scary story competition and whoever has the scariest one, well, wins.
Now go forth and write this story.
I'm, like, slightly worried that you're possessed right now.
Well, that's for you to find out and me to decide.
Hey Rich, remember when you used to, like, - work as a bartender? - Yeah.
Do you mind making Kirby a drink? No.
Oy, oy, oy! [laughs.]
Hey! Hey, aye! [laughter.]
Hey, aye! I think this is good.
Taste it.
- Ooh, that's tasty.
- See? So let me tell you something.
It was Percy, Lord Byron, Mary, and Claire and Lord Byron's personal physician.
So they were all sitting around for the scary story competition.
So, first up goes Percy.
Oh, his scary story is just like this poetic thing about his childhood.
Climbing up a tree was so scary when I fell down on my knee.
Something like that.
He didn't really get it.
He's an artist.
He's, like, I'm you know, I like to, uh, prance.
[laughter.]
[jaunty music.]
And then Lord Byron told his story and he goes, this one's about a vampire who was very posh and talks to you and then he bites you.
[sweeping music.]
And so, you know, it was scary but still meh.
So then they go, what about you Mary? Mary is an aspiring writer, so she's like, I don't want to fuck this up because here are the two most famous two very famous writers poets in Europe and I don't want to tell a shitty story.
So Mary goes, I'm going to write something good, so I don't have a story right now.
But she was always listening to what [burps.]
Lord Byron and Percy were saying because they would always have these really interesting conversations about the latest ideas, and one of the latest ideas was about Galvanism, which is, like, when you apply alchemy and electricity to revive animals.
And she thought to herself Oh, my God, what the fuck? Oh, my God! Okay, it's a rabbit.
It's a rabbit.
Oh, it's just a rabbit.
- It's a jackrabbit.
- I'm a really startly person.
- I see.
- Anyway, sorry.
Okay.
That night, Mary falls asleep, and has a terrible nightmare.
She wakes up with a start and goes, Oh! I have my story! You amazing puppet shits! [laughs.]
[laughter.]
And so, Mary's like, Yes, I finally have a story.
based off something I dreamed of last night and it's about a student at Ingolstadt university in Germany and he's an alchemist and into electricity and he's a nerd.
They know what nerds are back then? He knows what nerds are.
So Victor Frankenstein is his name.
This man was obsessed with bringing people to life.
So you know what he did? He went into the morgue and took body parts.
Arm, elbow, knee, nose, eyes, head, and put them together in his own special way.
Like a Mr.
Potato Head.
Only it was a Mr.
Humanoid-o Head.
He stitched them together with love and care and nerdiness.
He was a nerd.
He hooked up the electrodes to each bowel and testicle and there it happened.
[imitating electric shock.]
The Monster opened his eyes.
Blink, blink, blink.
And Victor Frankenstein looked at him and said, "Oh, my God! I've done it! It's alive! Holy crap! He's alive! Finally, I can re go home to my mom and say I've done something! Now give me some fucking pancakes!" [laughter.]
- I'm gonna piss myself.
- I'm gonna piss myself.
Oh, my God! Why do they take so long? Boys tend to be quicker than girls.
- Hi.
- Are you done peeing? No.
I'm still going.
Is that is that bad? This is what's weird is most people think Frankenstein is the Monster.
No! It's not the Monster.
It's the Victor Frankenstein is the creator of Frankenstein.
I mean you know.
- What was the Monster called? - Oh, yeah.
Taco.
- Which is interesting.
- Yeah.
[laughs.]
So Victor Frankenstein looked down at his creation and the Monster looked up at him and said, "Master? Creator?" And Frankenstein thought to himself, "He has white eyes and black lips and yellow skin and arteries bursting out of his skin.
This is not the person I thought I would be creating!" And he ran out of the room.
Run, run, run, run, run.
Run! [dramatic music.]
And he hid in his bedroom and he thought to himself, "This is terrible, what I've done.
Oh, what do I do?" He laid down and went to sleep and when he woke up, the Monster was staring right down on his filthy fucking face! [spluttering laugh.]
- And so Frawnken-steen said - Frawnken-steen? Frankenstein.
Did I say that? - Yeah.
- Okay, that's how scary it is.
You don't want to say it the same twice.
So what I'm trying to say is, Victor Frankenstein freaked out so bad.
"No, please no! Please! I want nothing to do with you!" And the Monster goes, "Listen to this, 'cause this is scary.
You need to create a companion for me or I will kill your lover.
" [burps.]
[laughter.]
Dr.
Frankenstein made the bride, but then all of a sudden had second feelings about this because What if she became a freak? Oh, what would he do? How much guilt would he feel? So he destroyed Frankenstein's bride and just fucked off! [dramatic music.]
But sure enough, Frankenstein rushed into the bedroom and said, "What the fuck is going on?" The Monster killed the fiancée Oh, uh, wife.
And there she was, dead! And the Monster said, "You have destroyed my love life because you destroyed my sex bot!" You know, like, in that day, it would've been a sex bot.
- Like a real doll.
- Yeah, like a Ba Ba a doll.
And he ran out of the room and was never to be seen again.
Until later.
[laughter.]
And that is the story up to now.
So Mary said, "How did I do? I believe that I have done quite a scary story, have I not?" Lord Byron and Shelley, after the story, were silent, and then all of a sudden everybody was, like, oh, my God I'm pissing out of my balls! This is so amazing.
And Mary looked at them and said, "Really? Are you cereal? [chuckling.]
And Percy said to Mary, "You have got to write this down and sell it!" And she goes, What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? [grunt.]
[spits.]
[laughter.]
[eerie music.]
[laughs.]
Do you want to continue? - Please.
- Okay.
All right.
[laughter.]
So Mary and Percy left and they went back home and two years later, Mary published "Frankenstein", also known as "The Modern Prometheus".
And, get this, the story that Lord Byron said about the vampire? That was re-written by, uh, John Polidori, the personal physician, and it was a book called "The Vampyre," and that was the basis of Bram Stoker's "Dracula.
" - Ah.
- So in that Lake Geneva opium-fest, philosophical free-for-all, came two of the most scary characters ever created ever.
- Wow.
- That was great, Rich.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Okay guys, let ghosts be ghosts.
Let us be us.
[spooky music.]
- You okay, Kirb? Cheers.
- Cheers.
Yeah, I'm so good.
- This is so much fun.
- This is so much fun.
- I actually love camping.
- Yeah, me, too, and finally, we're all going camping.
- I love it.
- The three of us are going - Wait, where's Rich? - I don't know.
He said he went off the pee and he just hasn't come back.
Rich? - [clears throat.]
Hello.
- Whoa! - Whoa.
- I'm right here.
- Where were you? - I was in a place you wouldn't understand.
Back there with the ban the bananas.
And I don't want to talk about it anymore.
[laughter.]
Let me tell you something.
I just learned the scariest story in the whole world.
It's not something for the squeamish.
You guys for the squeamish? I'm Rich Fulcher and today Oh, we know.
We invited you on this trip.
Of course.
But I'm Rich Fulcher and today we're going to talk about the creation of Frankenstein.
[gasping.]
Yeah, I shit you not.
It was 1816, which is over two years ago.
[laughs.]
Now, Mary Shelley was 18 years old and she was traveling around with her sep sep-sister? - Her step-sister? - Step-sister.
- You know the story! - Okay, yeah.
Claire Clairmont.
And they were traveling around France, but they had another companion, Mary's lover, Percy Shelley, one of the premiere poets - of the day.
- Wait, Percy Shelley? She was in love with someone who had the her last name? - Two names.
- Percy.
Shelley Percy? Duh! - Good luck.
- Nope! He is not gonna say that.
- Mary Gollum-Smith.
- Okay.
Her name is Mary Gollum-Swol-God.
[giggling.]
Her name is Mary Wallen-Godstroff-Cognin.
[laughter.]
And she is [laughter.]
[laughs.]
There is no fucking way.
[laughter.]
I'll get it.
I'm gonna get it.
Why don't you throw in some more consonants, Greg? - I will get it.
- Okay, we got it.
We got it, we got it.
- What was her name? - Okay [snorts.]
- Her name is Wallen-Gone - Mary.
- Mary.
- Her name is Mary Wallstone-Croft-Goglin.
- Okay? - Got ya.
- Let me tell you - Is that it? No, but let me tell you about her.
Mary Gollen-Swoft.
Don't try it again.
You got it.
They were traveling around France.
They were having a great time.
Oh, there's bread! Oh, there's a peanut! [burps.]
I love this place.
They were a very free-flowing type of threesome now.
So Claire said to the gang, "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! "Hold up! Let's go to Lake Geneva! Lord Byron is there!" Lord Byron, who was one of the premiere poets of the day.
And he fucked around.
- Should I say that? - You can say that.
Okay, he was one of those Romantic poets who would say stuff like "I love you!" [laughs.]
So you, uh, something like that.
I'm not really a poet myself, but anyway.
So Claire said, "Hey, all right, here's the deal.
I slept with him and I still want to have some sleeps with him.
Come on.
Let's go back to Lord Byron.
Let's go to Lake Geneva!" And sure enough, she got them all to go to Lake [burps.]
[spluttering laugh.]
Are you okay? Okay.
But here's the kicker.
1816 look it up was the year without a summer.
Mount Tambora blew every fucking shit out of people.
The eruption of the volcano covered the whole Earth and made the world be not hot.
Uh, they were like, wow, I don't have a summer.
I got a c-coat on! I'm all fucked up with the May non-summer apparel.
Eww.
And Lord Byron said let's hang out inside and fuck.
[laughing.]
It really happened.
So listen, they were all having sex and they're going, Oh, which one are you? I'm Mary! And then Mary and Claire are having a good time and then, all of a sudden, Percy and Claire and then Lord Byron and Mary and They're like a pretzel area and, don't forget, there's the personal physician of Lord Byron, John Poly-oro.
Something like that.
He's sitting there, eating a pickle, and they started to drink liquid opium, as one does.
And they started to talk about philosophy and scary things.
Lord Byron picked up this book and said, "Hey, look at this book I just found.
" In a Scottish accent.
It's "Phantasmagorium.
" It's a German book, uh, translated from France.
It's a French book that translates German It's some kind of translation book that has lots of ghosts.
- Whoa.
- Ooh! This is about a knight who gives his kids a kiss of death on the forehead.
- And you know what happened? - Hmm? They all died of rabies.
Ooh! This is scary.
Yeah, so no, but here's the scary part.
Percy freaked out so much at the story, he hallucinated that Mary had a demon head coming out of her nipples.
[laughter.]
Yeah.
No, I shit you not.
He was like, ah, demons, on your areolas! Not tonight, please! No! Of all nights.
And Lord Byron all of a sudden says, hey, I got it.
Let's have a scary story competition and whoever has the scariest one, well, wins.
Now go forth and write this story.
I'm, like, slightly worried that you're possessed right now.
Well, that's for you to find out and me to decide.
Hey Rich, remember when you used to, like, - work as a bartender? - Yeah.
Do you mind making Kirby a drink? No.
Oy, oy, oy! [laughs.]
Hey! Hey, aye! [laughter.]
Hey, aye! I think this is good.
Taste it.
- Ooh, that's tasty.
- See? So let me tell you something.
It was Percy, Lord Byron, Mary, and Claire and Lord Byron's personal physician.
So they were all sitting around for the scary story competition.
So, first up goes Percy.
Oh, his scary story is just like this poetic thing about his childhood.
Climbing up a tree was so scary when I fell down on my knee.
Something like that.
He didn't really get it.
He's an artist.
He's, like, I'm you know, I like to, uh, prance.
[laughter.]
[jaunty music.]
And then Lord Byron told his story and he goes, this one's about a vampire who was very posh and talks to you and then he bites you.
[sweeping music.]
And so, you know, it was scary but still meh.
So then they go, what about you Mary? Mary is an aspiring writer, so she's like, I don't want to fuck this up because here are the two most famous two very famous writers poets in Europe and I don't want to tell a shitty story.
So Mary goes, I'm going to write something good, so I don't have a story right now.
But she was always listening to what [burps.]
Lord Byron and Percy were saying because they would always have these really interesting conversations about the latest ideas, and one of the latest ideas was about Galvanism, which is, like, when you apply alchemy and electricity to revive animals.
And she thought to herself Oh, my God, what the fuck? Oh, my God! Okay, it's a rabbit.
It's a rabbit.
Oh, it's just a rabbit.
- It's a jackrabbit.
- I'm a really startly person.
- I see.
- Anyway, sorry.
Okay.
That night, Mary falls asleep, and has a terrible nightmare.
She wakes up with a start and goes, Oh! I have my story! You amazing puppet shits! [laughs.]
[laughter.]
And so, Mary's like, Yes, I finally have a story.
based off something I dreamed of last night and it's about a student at Ingolstadt university in Germany and he's an alchemist and into electricity and he's a nerd.
They know what nerds are back then? He knows what nerds are.
So Victor Frankenstein is his name.
This man was obsessed with bringing people to life.
So you know what he did? He went into the morgue and took body parts.
Arm, elbow, knee, nose, eyes, head, and put them together in his own special way.
Like a Mr.
Potato Head.
Only it was a Mr.
Humanoid-o Head.
He stitched them together with love and care and nerdiness.
He was a nerd.
He hooked up the electrodes to each bowel and testicle and there it happened.
[imitating electric shock.]
The Monster opened his eyes.
Blink, blink, blink.
And Victor Frankenstein looked at him and said, "Oh, my God! I've done it! It's alive! Holy crap! He's alive! Finally, I can re go home to my mom and say I've done something! Now give me some fucking pancakes!" [laughter.]
- I'm gonna piss myself.
- I'm gonna piss myself.
Oh, my God! Why do they take so long? Boys tend to be quicker than girls.
- Hi.
- Are you done peeing? No.
I'm still going.
Is that is that bad? This is what's weird is most people think Frankenstein is the Monster.
No! It's not the Monster.
It's the Victor Frankenstein is the creator of Frankenstein.
I mean you know.
- What was the Monster called? - Oh, yeah.
Taco.
- Which is interesting.
- Yeah.
[laughs.]
So Victor Frankenstein looked down at his creation and the Monster looked up at him and said, "Master? Creator?" And Frankenstein thought to himself, "He has white eyes and black lips and yellow skin and arteries bursting out of his skin.
This is not the person I thought I would be creating!" And he ran out of the room.
Run, run, run, run, run.
Run! [dramatic music.]
And he hid in his bedroom and he thought to himself, "This is terrible, what I've done.
Oh, what do I do?" He laid down and went to sleep and when he woke up, the Monster was staring right down on his filthy fucking face! [spluttering laugh.]
- And so Frawnken-steen said - Frawnken-steen? Frankenstein.
Did I say that? - Yeah.
- Okay, that's how scary it is.
You don't want to say it the same twice.
So what I'm trying to say is, Victor Frankenstein freaked out so bad.
"No, please no! Please! I want nothing to do with you!" And the Monster goes, "Listen to this, 'cause this is scary.
You need to create a companion for me or I will kill your lover.
" [burps.]
[laughter.]
Dr.
Frankenstein made the bride, but then all of a sudden had second feelings about this because What if she became a freak? Oh, what would he do? How much guilt would he feel? So he destroyed Frankenstein's bride and just fucked off! [dramatic music.]
But sure enough, Frankenstein rushed into the bedroom and said, "What the fuck is going on?" The Monster killed the fiancée Oh, uh, wife.
And there she was, dead! And the Monster said, "You have destroyed my love life because you destroyed my sex bot!" You know, like, in that day, it would've been a sex bot.
- Like a real doll.
- Yeah, like a Ba Ba a doll.
And he ran out of the room and was never to be seen again.
Until later.
[laughter.]
And that is the story up to now.
So Mary said, "How did I do? I believe that I have done quite a scary story, have I not?" Lord Byron and Shelley, after the story, were silent, and then all of a sudden everybody was, like, oh, my God I'm pissing out of my balls! This is so amazing.
And Mary looked at them and said, "Really? Are you cereal? [chuckling.]
And Percy said to Mary, "You have got to write this down and sell it!" And she goes, What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? [grunt.]
[spits.]
[laughter.]
[eerie music.]
[laughs.]
Do you want to continue? - Please.
- Okay.
All right.
[laughter.]
So Mary and Percy left and they went back home and two years later, Mary published "Frankenstein", also known as "The Modern Prometheus".
And, get this, the story that Lord Byron said about the vampire? That was re-written by, uh, John Polidori, the personal physician, and it was a book called "The Vampyre," and that was the basis of Bram Stoker's "Dracula.
" - Ah.
- So in that Lake Geneva opium-fest, philosophical free-for-all, came two of the most scary characters ever created ever.
- Wow.
- That was great, Rich.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Okay guys, let ghosts be ghosts.
Let us be us.
[spooky music.]