Futurama s06e01 Episode Script

This has been a test of the Emergency Hypnotoad System.
Had this been an actual hypnosis, you would go limp and watch whatever crap comes on next.
Coming up next, Futurama! Professor, my Fry-fro is all frizzy.
- Okay.
- Well, that's all.
Also, I'm covered with severe burns.
So? What of it? Well, why is those things? You mean, you don't remember? Nope.
Nothing.
It's like when I passed out in college, except no one drew Magic Marker penises on my forehead.
Well, I suppose it's for the best, considering the unbearable horrors you've endured.
Let's never speak of it again.
It all began a few days ago.
We were interstellar fugitives on the run from the law.
Fire all weapons and open a hailing frequency for my victory yodel.
And so, as you and Leela kissed goodbye in a tender display of tonguesmanship, we plunged into a massive wormhole, never to be seen again.
Yeah, we're back.
Sweet coincidence of Port-au-Prince, we're back at Earth! Of course! That was the Panama wormhole! Earth's central channel for shipping.
How humorous.
Yes, it's sort of a Comedy Central channel.
And we're on it now! I get it! We've lost power to the forward Game Boy.
Mario not responding! Brace for emergency landing! Roger that.
Activate safety spheres! Also, mine has air conditioning.
Yet, thanks to my trusty safety sphere, I sublibed with only tribial brain dablage.
And the others? Right here, behind this horror-cloth.
Are they dead? No, no, no, no.
Much worse.
Move over, God! Prepare for rebirth! Wrong switch.
Come on, stem cells, work your astounding scientific nonsense.
Fetal stem cells? Aren't those controversial? In your time, yes, but nowadays, shut up! Besides, these are adult stem cells harvested from perfectly healthy adults whom I killed for their stem cells.
Hermes Conrad! Man! I'm dripping with placenta.
Good thing it's Casual Friday.
Amy Wong! Ooh! Baby soft.
Indeed.
Dr.
Zoidberg! Hermes, my friend.
Let me cut off your umbilical cord.
Oops.
And the rest! Hooray! We're back in business.
Over my dead body.
Uh, never mind.
Bender, are the stem cells working? Ow! I'm dying.
I need mouth-to-ass resuscitation.
I'm on it! It's not working! I die happy knowing you fell for that.
His power supply is shut.
He's flatlining! Only one thing can keep him alive.
Possibly this thing.
Whoo! I've never felt so energetic! That's because the doomsday device I shoved all up in you puts out 50 gigawatts.
That's 10 times your recommended Who are you, my warranty? That was a good Huh? For God sakes, Bender, keep dancing! Keep whooping it up! You must burn off the doomsday energy as fast as it's produced, or it will build to critical levels! You don't mean Oh, but I do.
If you stop partying for a single second, you'll explode and kill everyone here in a fireball of melted gears and splattered bowels! Sounds like a party, baby! Ooh, yeah! Hey, speaking of splattered bowels, can I cook you a romantic dinner tonight, Leela? Where's Leela? Is she okay? Why hasn't she acknowledged my dinner offer? Something's wrong! She's not responding to my poking stick.
Poke harder, damn it! I'm poking as hard as I can! I'm sorry, Fry, but I'm afraid Leela is in an irreversible coma.
Coma, coma, coma, coma, coma chameleon My soul mate is gone.
Why should I go on living? Because the pain slowly fades, but the love is forever.
Yow! But what if I forget the sweet sound of her voice, or the moist touch of her eyeball on my lips? Are you still hung up on what's-her-name? Move on already! - Maybe you're right.
- Maybe I'm always right.
"Build-a-Bot Workshop.
" It's time to start living again.
At least it's something to distract me from Leela.
Nah.
Now, that I like for some reason.
I like jelly beans.
Do you? I sure do, honey.
Come now, Fry, you can't live out this sick fantasy.
Not without our help.
These security tapes record everything at Planet Express, including the ship, shower and urinals.
And yet, it still hasn't stopped the elusive bathroom burglar.
Maybe he's just trying to feed his family.
Computer, analyze tapes and extract personality profile of one Turanga Leela.
Analyzing.
Analyzing.
Checking my eBay bid.
Damn it! Analysis complete.
Hey, I was nuzzling that.
Attributes transferred.
Shoe size 12.
Et cetera.
Brace for emergency landing! What? We survived the crash? Oh, Fry! Party people in the house say This is wonderful.
The last thing I remember, I was dying in an explosion.
Yet, here I am in the flesh, more alive than ever.
Alive? - You better tell her, Fry.
- Tell me what? Anyway, my work is done.
I'm gonna hit the showers.
Nibbler.
Come, give Mama a hug.
What the Bad Nibbler! Bad Nibbler! What're you doing, pooper doodle? It's me, Leela! Am I really just a robot? I mean, I have Leela's memories.
Her opinion of gazelles, majestic.
Her emotions, confused and hurt.
I swear, I didn't know this would happen.
The only thing I truly know is I love you.
I mean, her.
Wait, help me out here.
Do the Bender! Do the Bender! No, thank you.
I said, do it! The truth is, Fry, I still have feelings for you.
But are they really my feelings? Am I just an automaton, or can a machine of sufficient complexity legitimately achieve consciousness? I agree.
I need some time to figure this out.
Until then, friends? Okay.
Listen up, disco dummies! You just flunked out of Bender's College of Party Knowledge.
Yeah, baby! Do the back dance, do the back dance.
Good news, everyone.
I'm going to make one final attempt to awaken Leela.
After all, there's always hope.
- Really? - No, don't get your hopes up.
Frankly, she's just a brainless mound of scabs and puss.
I didn't need to hear that.
No, and you don't need to see this.
Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Well, that's it.
I'm afraid traditional medicine has failed.
No! I refuse to give up! Wake up, Leela! I love you! Fry, stop.
She's gone.
Dr.
Zoidberg, can you note the time and declare the patient legally dead? Can I? That's my specialty! As you all know, Leela's living will states that in the event of coma, her body is to be fed to the wild cyclophage, a highly endangered creature that eats only Cyclopses.
Yup, that's what her donor card says.
Goodbye, my love.
The beast approacheth! To the beat, y'all To the beat, y'all I'm dancing a jig with my feet, y'all Bender, cut it out.
People are trying to have emotions.
You think I want to party? I'm sick of partying.
Woo-hoo! More partying! - Quiet, Bender.
- Cut it out.
Bender! Shut the hell up! Bender! Stop shutting the hell up! Right.
Leela's back, as if I care.
Whoo! All right, Leela! Thanks.
It's so nice to wake up and see - Leela! - Leela? - Leela? - Leela.
How is this possible? And can you believe she wore a tank top to my funeral? Shut up! We got to get out of here! No, you shut up, we got to get out of here.
Yeah, baby.
Come on! All aboard the party ship! There's no room for two captains' butts in this chair.
There would be if you'd taken a spin class instead of lounging around in a coma! This is crazy.
It's like I'm looking at an exact robot duplicate of myself.
That is what you're looking at.
Oh.
How could you do this, Fry? Coma Sad I have to go.
This is just too freaky! Please don't get upset, Leela.
She's nothing like you.
I have to go.
This is just too freaky.
I need cheering up, Bender.
I don't know, do you want to go out and party tonight? I hate partying.
If only I didn't have so much crunk in my badonkadonk.
Yeah.
Come on, baby.
Why does everything I date run away? I love Leela, always and forever, and if I loved robot Leela, too, well, that's only 'cause she had so much of real Leela in her.
I thought she loved me, too, but, obviously, I was wrong as usual.
Wrong again.
You were right.
Leela? Leela-Leela? Leela-Leela.
I've been thinking, Fry.
If I lost you, I don't think I could stand it, either.
I'd probably build a copy of you, too.
As long as robo-Leela's not a jealous type like me, things will I'll kill you, you slut-clops! - He's mine! - Back off, missy! Somebody do something! Here, take this! A gun? Do I really need to Shoot her! She's the robot! No! Shoot her! She's the human! But how do I know who's the human and who's the robot? - We just told you! - Yeah, you idiot! Okay.
Fine.
If you're going to be like that, I'm not shooting anyone.
Right between the lungs.
Man, that was close.
I'm a robot, too! Aha! That explains this growth on your drive shaft! But how is this possible? Who knows? Oh, I do.
Allow me to explain what really happened the day the ship crashed.
I'll protect you, Leela.
My love is stronger than the vast majority of explosions.
Fry did, in fact, save Leela, though at a terrible cost to himself.
I tossed him into the stem cells, but he just bubbled away like phlegm on a hot sidewalk.
Leela was so distraught, she went all Blade Runner and built a duplicate.
Then, uploaded Fry's personality from the urinal surveillance tapes.
I sure love Leela.
Alas, in recreating Fry's adorable jelly-belly, she had overstuffed him with copper wadding.
The inevitable static discharge electrocuted Leela, and destroyed both of their short-term memories.
So that's why I'm so amazed by these things I already knew.
What could I do? I hung up Leela with the other bone bags and went to procure the final ingredient for my stem cell brew.
Professor, my Fry-fro is all frizzy.
My God! I can't believe I'll never see that particular Fry again.
Hey, where's my shoes? Fry? I'm sorry.
I didn't realize I was already here.
Wait, what's with all the Leelas? - Trust me, don't ask.
- Okay, dork.
Listen, I'm going to hit the urinal, maybe talk about myself a little bit Hang on.
It's time to sort things out.
The truth is, I love Fry.
That Fry.
And I love Leela.
Any Leela.
We're robots, and we're in love.
Let's ditch these meat jackets.
Whoa! Cool! Hasta la vista, wiener.
We'll be back, for our stuff.
Why did their voices change? That's the one thing we'll never truly understand.
Uh, this is a bit awkward.
Or is it? I'm not sure.
I lost track around the second robot.
Well, you know how I feel.
I waited for you for 1,000 years, I can wait a little longer.
What a load a mush! I've had it.
He's gonna blow! Party, Bender! Party for your life! No chance, high-pants! I'd rather die and kill all of you than party for one more millisecond! The Cyclops-eater! Hold on, man! It ain't like that! Geez.
What does it take to kill me? Bender, you blew out your excess capacity.
You're cured! Sweet mercy! My hellish nightmare is over! I never have to party again.
Well, that's that then.
We're back, everyone! Party! Yeah! Whee!