Ideal (2005) s06e01 Episode Script

You think I'm an idiot, don't you? Well, you are the idiot.
You're a lying, cheating, low-life slob.
And I've had just about as much as I can take.
So if you so much as move I will blast a hole in your head big enough to put a ??? orange inside.
If you love me, you'll do it.
You think he's dead? Yes.
That's what I think.
It's like a nightmare.
I wish it were a nightmare.
But it's not.
We're lucky to still have this body bag.
We were going to sell it down book market.
So you're gonna report this thing? Oh yeah, definitely.
And then in a minute I'll arrest meself.
Of course I'm not gonna report it.
I may be a policeman, but I'm not an idiot.
What are we gonna do with this his corpse? We can't flock that on a book market! Don't worry.
I'll take it to the mortuary and then mislabel it.
It'll disappear in the system for years.
Christ! Moz and Jenny have only been in back Salford a few hours! A few hours earlier.
Suppose you've heard the news.
How could I have heard the news, we've been out of the country? - Is it good news or is it bad news? - It's just news really.
- You'll die when I tell you.
- Die in a good way or die in a bad way? - In a good way.
- I don't mind how I die.
Just tell us.
That mate of yours.
The copper.
He's moved into your old flat.
- I know that.
- And now your ex and the baby have moved back in.
- I know that.
- And now she's dealing hash and weed.
I didn't know that.
- Psycho Paul.
Cartoon Head.
- Alright, Nicki.
- Got my cash? - Just only 400 pounds.
- Just that then? - Couldn't sell the lap? Understandable, it's not really.
You want a smoke? Afghani black.
25 eighths.
You know the prices, you know the people.
Go sell it.
- And remember.
ABC.
- Always Be Closing.
- What about the lab? - That's your winter bonus, lads! Psycho Paul is happy with that.
Cuppa coffee and a chocky chip.
Nicely-nicely! She's got it well organised.
Could be heading for business woman of the year.
When I think of 100 times she used to get me!.
.
Nicki a dealer! It's like Chewbacca setting up as a speech therapist! That's almost as shocking as Nicki dealing! - Jenny, Nicki is dealing.
- Well, that's even weirder! Exactly! Moz! What you doing here? - We've come back! - But you can't come back! - Well, we have.
- We're as back as it gets.
But it's against the law! What's your certain interest in the law? Get inside.
Fella, you're wanted for skipping country whilst on bail! Not to mention probable heroin dealing conviction.
You're Salford's biggest undesirable! - That's what is says on me business cards.
- We've come back! - You can't come back! - We've already finished arriving.
Well I'm definitely here.
It's good to see you both.
Lovely to see you.
How did you get back into country? Still got our replacement passports.
Never had a problem with them.
- You're officially talking to Roger Muchmore.
- And I am Catherine Pimlet.
Or is is Sharon Pimlet? Oh, it don't matter.
I always check who I am before I enter a new country.
Aren't you worried about getting picked up by this lot? What do you mean, 'this lot'? Every copper is completely different, that's why we have different numbers.
But she's right.
Bit of a gamble coming back, fella.
- What made you risk it? - Risk it? - I spent me last euro in Mexico.
- Wow, what's it like? It's a bit like a pound coin.
No.
I meant, what's Mexico like? She wouldn't know.
She's not been.
Oh.
So where was it them blokes were wearing sombreros? Ibiza.
They were accountants from Bolton.
No wonder I could not understand what they were saying.
We've come back 'cos Cartoon Head owes me 2 grand.
One time when I were flush I was stupid enough to invest into one of his 'get rich quick' schemes.
Lucky you've kept the old machine in good working order.
Would have broke me heart if she ??? Been a lot of changes - Has there? - Nah.
So when are you leaving? - Can be??? - Hey, I'm risking me badge just sitting talking to you.
So you and Nicki are sticking it out then? What do you mean, sticking it out? We're a couple, if that's what you mean.
Soz.
Of course not.
Obviously, it's been little blips.
- You never listen! - ???? We've also had a lot of fun.
Now then.
I'm going to pour this runny honey between my legs.
And you are going to spend the next half hour eating it all up.
That's lime pickle.
Right.
She's a woman of many moods.
Most of them ??? Tell you what though.
She really turned the dealing business round.
Has she? Well, I reckon hash dealing is pretty much recession-proof.
??? progress outside ??? nursery.
Ooh.
Sounds like an easy one.
Might go for that.
Should show me face really.
K-23.
I'm on me way as of immediately.
Yeah, I thought that one had your name on it.
Alright.
See ya later, fella.
And remember Keep a low profile.
Have you missed me? I've missed you.
- Brian, you're alright? - Moz, what a surprise! I knew you would come back.
- Lovely to see ya! - Oh yeah.
- ?? - No.
You remember Jamie? We slept together, but then it turned out he was me son.
- Oh yeah.
??? - Nice to see you again.
- And this is Nathaniel.
Isn't he scrummy? - Alright.
I used to be Natalie.
Jamie's mum.
So are you getting your old gang back together for one last job? Well the main thing is that now we can just get on with being a nice normal family.
- How much is your skunk? - This is 20.
And it does the damage.
But this is 25.
Lovely smoke.
Very smooth, warm, heady high.
You've got all the ??? down.
??? dealer awareness day.
I'll have an eighth of the 20.
I'll take an eighth of the 25, ta.
My throat is a temple passage way.
Not the passage way that gets the most use though.
Not in front of the children.
- So, are you all going to counselling or anything? The world is my counsellor.
I talk to everybody about my problems.
All the time.
Marvellous.
I think counselling is really healthy.
Just as long as you don't tell them your deepest ??? fears.
Jamie is studying post-punk dentistry, are you? - No, I'm not! - You are.
- I'm not! - What are you studying? - Just dentistry.
- Oh.
- So where have I got post-punk from? - I don't know.
I thought you said New Romanic dentistry.
- No.
- I think it's only ordinary dentistry you can do.
- Don't forget cosmetic dentistry.
- Makeup for teeth? I feel a bit let down.
I got all excited about the post-punk bit.
So what, you're just gonna learn how to do fillings and shit? What's a ??? in being a dentist? My dentist got a Mercedes and a big afro.
Did you say dentist or pimp? I'm doing what I've always wanted to do.
Oh, our little boy all grown up and gay.
Hey, we should shoot.
We've got Shaerobix in half an hour.
Shaerobix? It's a high impact cardiovascular workout in four ?? outfit and a wig.
Oh, he's got me, babe.
The fat just dances off you.
What an enchanting image.
We'll see ourselves out.
Bye, Bri.
Bye, Nathaniel.
Bye, Jamie.
Bye.
Hey.
Don't forget, not a word to anyone.
- Spare keys.
- Ta.
Jen! It's cashback time.
I'm just off to see Cartoon Head.
Ok.
I'm gonna carry on soaking.
And I'm popping round Amanda with the weird eyes's.
- Ok.
I'm gonna carry on soaking.
- Bye.
I ought to cut you in two.
Goodbye.
That was my ex.
Moz, Brian said you were back.
When did you arrive? Just a couple of hours ago.
Haven't had a proper chance to really ?? the place in yet.
Hiya, Nicki.
Brought your axe back.
- Thanks.
- I just used it to chop up a tall boy.
No.
A tall boy, a cupboard.
God.
Do you think I'm some kind of crazy psycho bitch? - We're gonna head off.
- Ok.
I wonder if you could sell you some raffle tickets.
A pound each.
We're raising money for disadvantaged ??? Go on then.
I'll have 2.
To kids, not quads ??, I wouldn't want to break up a set.
- Great.
Moz? - Nah.
I'll be out the country by the time you do the draw.
- Is that all that counts? - ?? I' won't bother.
Go on! - I bet you don't accept euros, do you? - Yeah.
Alright, then.
We'll take one, ta.
Feeling lucky.
Yeah.
This is Roger Muchmore.
Alright, Andrew.
Nah.
I'm in Manchester.
I managed to track down the ?? what nicked my passport.
Yeah.
Gonna give'm a right good fucking kicking.
Ta-ta.
Oh, you've grown that tache quick, haven't you? Not sure if I like it.
Hey, the others are out.
Fancy a quick shag? Come on! That is so ticklish! You you're all different.
Have you converted to jewishism? And when did you get this big Chelsea tattoo? Suck the fucking toe! Are you gobbling or not? I am if you do that voice.
Oh that is such a turn-on! Well get on with it.
Lovely Jabbly! Now then.
Where's my passport? I don't know.
I thought you always carried it with you.
Then when were you expecting me back? You are back.
I'm expecting nothing.
Did you get the money? - What bleeding money? - The two grand.
Did you get it? Nah.
Oh well.
- Look - Oh, I love that voice.
I feel like I'm in the Bill.
Do you fancy another bash? - Another bash? - On the condition that you shave that off.
I don't mind the tattoo and the whole Jewish thing, but that tache has got to go.
It's gone.
But don't stop doing the voice.
That's not a problem, darling.
- Hiya.
You need help shaving? - What? Are you on vodka? - Do the voice! - What? Do you need me to come and hold the razor or squirt your foam? Hey Jenny, what you on about? Who's holding the razor? Nearly done, darling.
Jenny? Jenny? - Roger? - Muchmore.
Hello? Right.
Where's my passport, you ??? In me trousers, ??? down pocket.
You're gonna have to roll us over.
Nice one.
- Hey, that's my property! - Property is theft.
Roll us back again! What about the ??? next door? You a dealer? Used to be.
But I lapsed.
So who is the dealer? Not the blonde bimbo.
- Nicki? - Don't know her name.
She's dynamite in the sac.
- What have you done to her? - More a case of what she had done to me.
Now you stay put pal.
?? next door and grab the gear.
Might have another go at blondie.
Ta-ta.
Fucking Northeners.
Moz? - What are you doing? - I'm doin' nothin', sweetheart.
- What? What you talking that for? - Doesn't it turn you on, love? No.
It sounds like Ross Kemp has had a stroke.
Now put down my hash.
Belongs to me now.
I presume this is yours.
Shouldn't leave it lying round.
- The safety's on.
- It was.
I took it off.
"K-23, suspected break in ??? in ?? road.
" - I I can't really.
- Yes, you can.
I'm I'm injured.
I'm at the infirmary.
I've been I've been wounded.
- Yeah? Who by? - Youth.
Youth with knife.
- Another one? - Yeah, it's definitely on the increase.
I might need a couple of stitches.
??? I'm being called through.
Better go.
If you love me, you'll do it.
I best get me We can't tell anybody about this.
As far as we are concerned, this never happened.
- ?? - What? I thought you were dead.
I thought he was dead! - What? - I thought I chopped his head off! What? You thought you just killed Moz? That's Roger Muchmore! What was I supposed to think? He looked like Moz, he chopped like Moz You didn't seem very upset about his death.
- Well, I'm I'm police.
- You don't seem that pleased to see me alive either.
Maybe I should start wearing a stell polo neck.
Hey, you should be flattered.
I was prepared to kill Moz to save your life.
- Isn't that sweet? - How warming.
- Hey, what you doing? - How many blokes get to look at their own corpse? Plus, I think this could be quite cosmic.
Are you sure that's a good idea? That which don't kill me, can only make me stronger.
Anyway it's got me two grand.
Cosmic.
Moz! How many yous are there? - I want me old life back.
- Why? It was shit.
- You're gonna kill Cartoon Head? - Sorry.
I'm Toey.
I'm living over there.
Me and my tits have got better things to do.
His fans made ??? - What? - Somedays I forget I've got a memory.
Life's not as simple than Dan Brown would have us believe.