It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s06e01 Episode Script

I'm only gonna be here for 10 minutes.
I got to get my pump on.
I have a very big day.
I'm sorry.
I can't let you in.
I don't understand why you're insisting on jamming me up here, bro.
I'm not trying to jam you up.
I just don't believe you.
What is not to believe? I am absolutely Dennis Reynolds.
- This picture looks nothing like you.
- Well, thank you.
Because I have actually packed on since that picture was taken, bro.
It's actually a testament to your gym.
I'm gonna need you to either buy your own membership, or get out.
- Mac? - Yeah.
- Hey! Tranny! Carmen.
- Yeah.
Sorry.
How you doing? Wow.
You look great.
Sweet camel toe.
That's a good tuck job.
You have it taped back there? - No.
- It's good.
It's actually gone.
I had the surgery.
Get out! That's fantastic! I thought I was gonna get a phone call after the old snip-snip 'cause we talked about that, but either way, now that you're dickless, I'm into it.
- What are you doing this afternoon? - How's it goin'? Uh- It's goin' good, pal but, uh, the lady isn't interested.
Uh, Mac, I would like you to meet my husband, Nick.
Husband? You're married.
Great.
Now, what do you guys think? They're good almonds, right? - They are tasty.
- These almonds? Yeah, they're fine.
I found them in, like - in a little pile in the alleyway.
- A squirrel must have piled them up and then got hit by a car.
- Why? Why, why, why? - Why would you feed us alley almonds? - Why wouldn't you tell us that? - They're perfectly good.
- Guys.
Guys, guys.
I've got news.
I've got huge news.
So I went down to the gym this morning, right? I was all amped up, 'cause Charlie and I found a bunch of nuts.
I was so full of protein, okay? I went to get my pump on, but I couldn't get my pump on.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
Clearly, I did get my pump on, but that's 'cause I just did a bunch of push-ups outside.
- Also why I'm out of breath.
- What in God's name are you talking about? - Is this the big news? - No.
I ran into the tranny.
She got her dick cut off and she married a dude.
- Oh.
- Oh, that's great! Congratulations to her.
- No, that is not great.
- No? - That is a gay marriage.
- Uh, I got a question for you.
- One's a girl, one's a guy.
- Yeah.
And how is that gay? Well, for starters, clearly, her husband is a homosexual, okay? Why are you making that assumption? Because he's with a tranny? You were with the tranny.
What are you saying? No! Charlie, that is completely different, and you know it.
Yeah.
No.
He's right.
That's different, 'cause this new guy- if I'm hearing correctly - he waited until she got her dick cut off before he banged her.
- But that means - - No.
Who gives a shit if gays want to be miserable like everybody else and get married? Let 'em do it.
It's no skin off my ass.
No.
Marriage is a wonderful thing.
It's between two people who decide they want to spend the rest of their lives together because they love each other very much.
I'm all for it, and I think everyone should be entitled to it.
Oh, everybody up on their high horse of marriage all of a sudden.
Marriage is about procreation, okay? This is gay marriage.
That's two dudes banging each other.
What do you get from that? Nothin'.
Nothin'.
Uh, that is a persuasive argument.
You should take your powerful extension cord argument straight to the supreme court.
- Mm-hmm.
They'll love it there.
- Run that right up the ladder, right? - Run it up the ladder.
- Mac, dude, I think you're just getting upset that the tranny married some guy that's not you, and that's what this is about.
No.
No, Charlie, this is about the big man upstairs, okay, getting boxed out.
- Ah, Jesus.
- It clearly says in the Bible that gay marriage is wrong.
- And I'm gonna show you.
Where's our Bible? - "Where's our Bible?" - Where's our goddamn Bible? - We don't have a Bible in here.
- Why don't we have a Bible? - We never have.
It's a bar.
Okay, I see what's happening here.
- I don't have enough facts to support my argument.
- Clearly.
I'm gonna find a Bible, I'm gonna come back, and I'm gonna school you sons of bitches.
Because you guys are trying to confuse me.
You're trying to confuse me, because that's what God's work - Ah - Oh, he's getting himself all worked up, huh? Yeah.
Very worked up.
Very worked up.
You know, I always thought I'd be married by now.
- What? - What? Yeah.
Well, I don't know.
All that talk about marriage and everything - It's got me thinking about myself and my situation and I guess I always thought I'd be married by now.
What the shit are you talking about? Frank, I'm talking about Maureen Ponderosa.
Oh, my God, dude.
Don't start in on this.
Maureen Ponderosa was my girlfriend in 10th grade, and we were so in love.
You remember Maureen Ponderosa, right, Charlie? I remember her dead tooth, dude.
What? Dead tooth? She didn't have a dead tooth.
You guys remember her brother Bill - Bill Ponderosa? Oh, that guy was like a walking cliché.
He was hot.
Great buns.
Yeah, and I remember, every time you tried to talk to him, you'd - I got a little gaggy.
It's only 'cause he made me nervous.
- But he was very handsome.
- What is it with you two and the Ponderosas? I think I might call her up actually.
Charlie, not in the corner.
Put 'em in the closet, tuck 'em in the back.
- Hold on a second.
- Pick 'em up.
There you go.
Come on.
- Not on the floor! - Dude, my back! Charlie, look at this.
I've been saving these for years.
What? I think I slipped a disk, man.
Stand straight or something.
Aah! Frank, I gotta go see a chiropractor again.
Oh, right.
I just keep paying medical bills, right? Is that it? - I keep lugging pennies.
- Come on.
You're in pain? Here, let me hit you with the two-by-four.
You won't feel anything.
No.
I don't want to play that game anymore.
All right.
Crack my back.
- Can you crack my back, please? - Crack your back.
All right.
Turn around.
Give me that.
You ready? Way up.
- Oh! Oh! Oh! - Did you get my back? - Oh, my back.
Oh! - I'll get you.
Ow, my back! Aw! I need it again! - Yi, yi, yi, yi, yi! - Oh! Oh! Oh! Charlie.
Charlie.
- Don't touch me.
- All right.
All right.
This is gonna sound crazy.
I just got an idea.
If we do that domestic partnership thing that gay guys can do I can totally get on your health insurance.
You won't even have to pay for the chiropractor.
You proposing to me? Come on, man.
No.
I'm saying, we're already friends, right? Let's be friends with benefits, right? Oh, yeah.
You get your back fixed.
What's in it for me? All right, man.
There's gotta be a reason why all those couples want to do it.
Uh, perks, right? Can we at least look into what goes into it? - I really gotta see a chiropractor, man.
- We'll look into it.
You got to hit me with the two-by-four.
I got too much pain.
It's bad on me too.
All right.
I got you.
- I got you.
I got you.
- Hit me in the head.
Hit me good.
Phew! I feel really nervous, Dee.
I haven't seen Maureen in, like, close to 15 years.
- I was really in love with that girl, huh? - Yeah.
No girl has ever had this effect on me, so I don't know how to deal with it.
It's crazy.
I know what you mean.
I'm feeling a lot of butterflies myself too.
It's, like, "Oh, I'm gonna see Bill Ponderosa.
" - Is that gonna happen? - Maybe bubbly water.
- Maybe if you get me some bubbly water.
- Slow down- Here we go.
- Dennis! - Hey, Maureen! Wow.
Look at you.
You look amazing! - You look amazing.
- Me? Oh.
Who's this? Is this your husband? - This is Bill.
- Hey, you guys.
Bill? No - Wow! Wow, right? I would not have guessed that was you.
- Yeah, I've gained a little weight.
- Did you now? Oh! Well, no, it's hardly noticeable.
Hardly noticeable.
I do notice the ring though.
Oh, good for you.
- You got married.
That's good.
- Yeah, 10 years now.
Yeah, she's amazing.
- So are my two kids.
Want to see little - - Oh! No, no, no, no, no, no, I don't.
I don't really.
I mean, it's great, but you know what I mean.
Nobody really wants to see that.
Goddamn, this has been a really fun walk down memory lane.
Uh, Maureen, great to see you.
And, Bill, take care of yourself or whatever people say.
- Okay.
Excuse me.
- All right.
Well, yeah, this has got to be a little awkward for you now, Bill, right? 'Cause you're here, and we're sort of having a - probably gonna have a little sit-down breakfast and now you're a bit of a third wheel kind of wormed your way into our situation.
- Yeah.
Not really.
I just came to catch up, so - - No.
But I can leave you guys alone, I guess.
Yeah! Oh, yeah.
That would be great.
That would be great.
- Hey, take care of yourself.
It was good to see you.
- I gotta pick up the kids.
- Sure, pick up the kids, yeah.
- Bye, Bill.
Uh - - Hey, you want to sit down? - Yeah.
Great.
Hey.
God, man.
Maureen Ponderosa.
- I can't even believe those words are coming out of my mouth.
- I know.
Look at you.
Look at you! You look great.
You're still quite a catch.
- You look just like you did in high school.
- Oh.
Hey, do you remember all the good times that we used to have in the back of your dad's Datsun behind this place? Oh, man.
So much romance.
Mmm.
- Hey, how is your dad? - Dad died last year.
- Did he die? - Yeah.
Oh, that's- that's too bad.
It happens, you know.
He was getting up there, right? - I mean, it was probably natural causes, or - - Suicide.
- Sui- Suicide? - Car exhaust, yeah.
I had to break the window of the Datsun, so - Oh, yeah.
It was one of those.
One of those, huh? - His eyes were so yellow.
- Okay.
Oh! Oh, Maureen Ponderosa! - Yeah.
- Oh, yeah! Dennis Reynolds and Maureen Ponderosa back together again at last.
Hey, Carmen.
- Carmen, hey.
I wanna show you something.
- Oh.
- Hey, Mac.
- Yeah.
- What's going on here? - Good.
I'm glad you're here too.
This pertains to both of you guys.
I am about to do you guys a huge solid.
Ready? "Men with men committing indecent acts" - sex in the butt - "will receive the due penalty for their perversion.
" Word of the Lord.
Okay, what is it you're trying to say, Mac? I'm saying that in the eyes of the Lord, your marriage is an abomination and if you don't get a divorce, you're going to hell.
I love people tripping all the time.
Can I see that for a second? - But I'm not tripping, okay? It's all right there.
- Oh, no.
It's gonna take you a little while to flip through it 'cause that book is long as shit.
- Oh, yeah.
I like this one.
Exodus 21, verses 20, 21.
- Mmm.
"When a man strikes his slave with a rod so hard that the slave dies he shall be punished.
If, however, the slave survives for a day or two, he is not to be punished for the slave is his property.
" That's not what I'm talking about though.
That's not my thing.
So you're saying you're gonna whup my black ass with a rod for as long as you like and as long as I get up after a day or two, we all good.
That's what you're telling me? No, I wouldn't whup on you with anything, whether you were my slave or not.
That doesn't really pertain anyway, because that section is not from the same time.
Oh, oh, really? Well, what time is your section from, Mac? Look, I came here to help you guys, okay? As a gay man, there's certain things you need to know about the afterlife.
I'm not a gay man.
Yes, you are.
You're banging a dude.
Look, if anything, you're the one that slept with me when I was a man.
Oh, that's it- You're gay.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- He's gay.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- If this is about you and me, then just say that.
I'm never going to admit that, Carmen.
But come on, I mean, him? What- What do you see in this guy? I mean, look at my body compared to his.
I'm a hard body.
You're a hard body.
We could be hard bodies together.
Not hard body and - I thought we established that there was going to be a phone call after the procedure.
And then you have the procedure, and I never got that call.
Instead you called this soft body and you gay-married him.
And now you're calling me gay, telling me I'm tripping and trying to confuse me with your liberal biblicisms.
Man, my guess is, you've been confused for a very long time.
- All right, take it easy.
- Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! Thank you very much.
All right, dude.
Okay, I admit this is more paperwork than I expected, all right? But, Frank, that's because this domestic partnership thing is really worth doing, dude.
There's a lot of perks in these bad boys, you know? There's a lot of jelly in these doughnuts here, Frank.
Charlie, you still haven't told me how this shit is going to be good for me.
Me.
It's all in here! All right.
Okay.
Think about this for a second.
You're definitely gonna have another massive heart attack or stroke in the next few years? Definitely.
What's gonna happen when you go on life support, dude? Dennis and Dee are gonna pull the plug on you so fast, your head is gonna spin.
But think about this, Frank.
You know who's not gonna do that? This guy right here.
This thing- This is so much complicated stuff, Charlie.
Look who it is.
Wow! Guys, you remember Maureen Ponderosa, right? - Charlie! - Ooh! - Hey! Maureen, how are ya? - Dead tooth.
Let me see the dead tooth.
- What's he talking about? - Oh, he's- Pipe down, Frank.
- So listen, guys.
We just got married.
- What? Yeah.
Yeah.
We're married.
Maureen and I got married.
- What is wrong with you? - It's not what's wrong with me, Frank.
It's what's right with me, and that's this little piece of paper here that we just signed.
It's our marriage certificate.
Now we're married.
Boom.
Hold on a second.
You just had to sign a little piece of paper? They gave Frank and I, like, a million forms for our marriage.
You guys are trying to get married too, huh? That's weird.
- It's a whole - - Okay.
Well, we're out of here, so good luck.
Oh, my God.
What is the matter with him? - Did you smell her breath? - Are you kidding me? It smelled like she was nibbling on little pieces of shit.
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
- Dennis, you're married? - Yes, man, I'm married.
I'm a married man.
She's actually here, dude.
It's awesome.
She's in the bathroom.
She's brushing her teeth.
Yeah, she must have eaten something a little bit sinister.
Must have been the Funyuns or something.
I don't know.
Whatever.
It doesn't matter.
Anyway, the point is, I am having - This is crazy, but I'm having feelings again.
Like some kind of 14-year-old kid or something.
You remember feelings, right? Yeah.
I have feelings every single day of my life.
- Do you? - Are you saying you don't have feelings? Well, I'm saying I built up a shell - a shell around myself.
A cold, calculated, heartless shell that couldn't be broken by anything but marriage.
And that's what she did, dude - she broke that shell with marriage.
In a good way, if I'm being unclear.
And that brings me, actually, to my next point.
I need you to move out like now, like right away.
What? Why do I have to move out? It's my apartment too.
Uh, actually, you know what, Mac? Turns out it's not your apartment because you never signed the lease, if you recall 'cause your credit was so bad.
Oh.
Well - What am I gonna do with all my stuff? You know what? Believe it or not, I've been doing some inventory and it turns out you don't actually own anything in this apartment.
That can't be true.
It's shockingly true.
Yeah, yeah.
Every single thing in here is mine.
For instance, that shirt that you're wearing right now- that was my shirt.
Then I got tired of it, I threw it in the trash and then you fished it out of the trash and you cut the sleeves off it as you are wont to do, 'cause that's your thing- but whatever.
Also, I don't want to rush you on this either but I did have to drop you from my cell phone's family plan.
And I'm gonna need you to stop using my name at the gym because I'm getting a lot of phone calls about that, and that's a little embarrassing.
- Can I say something? - Yeah, totally.
Oh, there we go.
- Oh! How you doin'? - Hey! Hey, hey, hey! - No! No, no, no, no, no, no.
- You got a minute? - You got a minute? - Quick question.
- I'm kind of in the middle of something right now.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
That's easy.
Okay, no problem.
That's better.
Why do you people keep bothering me at the gym? I'm so sorry.
It's gonna be a quick question.
Charlie.
You remember me, right? - Yeah.
Hi.
- Frank.
No, I don't remember you.
My friend and I, we're trying to get a gay marriage situation going on and he's all tripped up about some issue.
And now he's uncomfortable talking to me.
- I figured you're an expert, so we could talk to you.
- Fine.
Just go ahead.
What? - Good.
Go.
- If Charlie and I were gonna get married who would be the man and who would be the woman in that situation? Neither of you would be the woman.
You're both men! Are you kidding me? Is this what you've been upset about the whole time? Which one of us is gonna be the woman? Yeah.
I'm not gonna get my dick cut off and sold to China spend the rest of my life on a treadmill like this guy.
What are you- What? I don't want to be the woman, Charlie, and I don't want to see you be the woman.
That's insa - Neither of us would be the woman, dude.
We would both be men.
We'd be two cool straight dudes married together.
Oh.
I never thought of it that way.
Two dudes getting married - that doesn't seem very gay.
Yeah, right? It's not - Yeah, right.
Yeah.
Okay.
You know what? - Let's not argue on this or think about it too much.
- No.
- Two cool married dudes.
- Dudes.
Two dudes.
- Not gay.
- I'm down with that.
- All right! Two gay dudes married! - Bump it, bump it, bump it.
- Two gay dudes married.
- Is my role in this done now? Uh, any more questions? No.
I think I got it.
Hey, did they really sell your dick to China? No.
I can tell by your stare that the answer is no.
I told you, Frank.
That's crazy.
Dee, hey, we gotta talk.
Wait.
You can't just come barging in here like that.
What are you doing? Okay, look, it takes a big man to admit defeat but you were right, I was wrong.
Everybody should be able to get married to whoever they want which got me thinking about you and me.
Oh, no.
I'm not gonna marry you, if that's where this is headed.
What? Dee, I would rather get shot in the face.
- Okay.
Then what are you doing here? - I'm glad you asked.
I'm moving in.
Also, I need to get on your gym membership because I got to get back in there ASAP before I lose this pump.
- What's with the beers? Are you carbo loading? - No.
Oh.
What are you doing? Are you gonna throw up? - No.
- Then why are you gagging? Oh, that - Because, Dee, that triggers my gag reflex, too, and then I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
It's fine.
I had some bad spaghetti - spaghetti - Ah, Dee.
Look, the point is - the reason I came over here is because you were totally right about this marriage thing, okay? It is a special bond between two people in love and everybody deserves that right.
Look, I'm thinking that- I gotta throw up.
- I'm gonna throw up.
- No, no, no, no! Not in there! Oh, sorry.
Uh - Wait.
I know you.
Bill Ponderosa.
Where are you going? Hey, Maureen Ponderosa.
Hey.
I was just gonna go meet up with the guys.
But I thought we were gonna watch a movie tonight.
Watch a movie.
Yes, we were.
Yeah, you know what? But I feel the need to reconnect with the guys.
So- But you know what? - You can watch a movie without me.
- What? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
God, dude, we have so many great, great movies here.
Got a lot of action films, which is very, very exciting.
Got all the Lethal Weapon movies, which is cool.
Including the one that I made with the guys- Lethal Weapon 5.
Yes.
Amazing film- truly, truly.
Although it gets a little confusing halfway through because Mac and I decided to switch parts.
He wanted to play Murtaugh for some reason.
Yeah.
And I'm not gonna lie.
His use of black face I found a bit regrettable, but - Come on.
It's our first night as a married couple.
I want to spend it with my husband.
Oh.
Yeah.
I see that you're wearing another one of those kitty cat sweatshirts - - Meow.
- That you seem so fond of.
- You've glued some jewels and some flowers and things to it.
- Uh-huh.
- Interesting.
I like to be comfy and current.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I did not remember that about you.
- You don't remember a lot of things, silly.
- Yeah.
Now, you get yourself on that couch.
- I'm gonna go make us fish sticks.
- Uh, I don't - - I don't think we have any fish sticks.
- I bought some.
Yeah.
I don't particularly like fish sticks, but - - Dennis.
- Hmm? Hey.
I love you.
Uh, I love you.
Yeah.