Monk s06e01 Episode Script

Dear fellow Monk-ophiles, "As you can see, "I have decided to redesign the homepage again! "As the greatest detective in the universe would say; "you'll thank me later.
Love to all, Marci.
" Bye-bye.
That's better.
Oh, Brian! Brian! Victory is mine! Oh, man! Thought I had you.
You almost did.
Debbie? Debbie, honey.
Brian's here.
We're gonna watch the Giants.
Maybe she went out.
No.
Her car's still here.
Debbie? Oh, my God! Debbie! Debbie! Brian, call 9-1-1! Oh, baby! Are you Marci Maven? Do you own a dog named Otto? You're damn right she does.
That beast of yours killed my wife! I warned you about him! Mr.
Ringel, please.
We'll take care of this.
What's going on? There was an attack earlier today across the street.
Oh, today? No, that wasn't Otto.
We're gonna have to take him in, ma'am.
Where's the dog? Yeah, I really don't think it was him.
Bachelor Auction? What? Yeah, people bid for you.
It's fun.
- It's for charity.
- Now this side's crooked.
When you're up for reinstatement, it'll look good on your record.
Plus, it's for a good cause.
Police widows.
It's always the widows.
Why can't they just move on, you know? Everybody's doing it.
The captain's doing it.
- Don't you wanna be a team player? - No.
Don't you want to appear to be a team player? Sure.
All right.
How about this? You give me $600.
When somebody bids on you, I'll bid against them.
I'll outbid them.
You'll outbid them? That's a good plan.
That's a great plan.
How do I get my money back? No, you don't.
It goes to charity.
Let's keep thinking.
Oh, God! My God! Natalie! It's that girl, that Marci Maven, my crazy fan.
Oh, hey, Marci.
Oh, Natalie, hello.
I need to speak with Adrian.
Sorry.
You just missed him he's, um he's getting his hair cut.
I know he's here.
Okay, he left at 8:00.
He came back 35 minutes later.
And besides, he only gets his hair cut every first and third Tuesday of every month.
He's behind the door.
I can smell his shampoo.
Pantene for dry hair.
Listen, I really need to speak with him It's important I'm in trouble! That's what you said last year, Marci.
You said it was a matter of life or death.
He got in the car, you locked the door and tried to drive him to Corpus Christi.
It was Thanksgiving! What does that have to do with anything? Listen it's different this time.
My neighbor got killed! They're blaming my dog.
Somebody's framing my dog! Okay, then call the police.
I did they don't believe me.
Okay Marci, Marci sorry, can't help you.
- Is she gone? - Yeah.
Hey, Adrian.
It's me, Marci Maven.
Next up, Captain Leland Stottlemeyer.
Who wants to take this handsome stud home, huh? Captain Stottlemeyer plays guitar and claims to be quite handy around the house.
Do I hear $300? $300! Okay okay, here is $600 but don't spend it all if you don't have to.
- Do I hear $400? - $400 going once - $2,000! - I have $2,000.
Going once, going twice, sold to that very generous woman in the leopard shirt.
What are you doing? I am buying six hours with my man.
- He hasn't left the office in 2 weeks.
- That's a lot of money.
Damn right.
So you had better be worth it.
Ladies, say hello to Randy Disher.
Born in San Diego, now a homicide detective.
Enjoys home-cooked meals and long walks on the beach.
- Should I take this off? - Um, no, that's Okay! Do I hear $300? $300! - $300.
How about $350? - $350! - $400.
- $400! - $450! - $400? $450! - $650! - Come on, $750.
- $800! - $850.
$850! Going once, going twice Wrap this boy up he's sold.
All right! Thank you.
Hi, I'm Cameron Meyer.
Randy Disher.
Well, Ms.
Meyer.
I guess you're the boss.
What'd you have in mind? This is Sam.
He wants to be a policeman.
I thought i could just drop him off and he could follow you around.
Yeah, sure.
That'd be, uh that'd be great.
This is gonna be a lotta fun, huh? Next on our program is Mr.
Adrian Monk.
Mr.
Monk is a former homicide detective now working as a private consultant.
He has worked on many famous cases.
Let's start the bidding at $200.
Do I hear $200? Ladies, this is a world-class detective.
Maybe you have a husband or a boyfriend who needs following.
Maybe you can't find your car keys.
$200.
- I have an opening bid of $200 - $250! I have $250.
Do I hear $300? - $300.
- $300.
- $350! - $350.
$400? Come on, ladies! $600! We have $600.
$600 and, uh hold on, hold on! Uh $34.
17.
- $800.
- $800! Do I hear $850? $800 going once $5,000! Mr.
Monk, you cannot bid on yourself.
$800 going twice Wait, stop! No.
No, no, no.
Okay.
Somebody? I'll do anything.
I'll do anything.
Look.
Beefcake.
Beefcake.
Please.
There was a restraing order.
Sold to the very determined, very mysterious girl in the green.
Okay.
Nice going all righty next.
Okay.
Hello! Right on time, of course.
It's okay.
I'm right here.
Come in come in, come in.
No.
You can pick him up at 6:00.
No, no.
She's with me.
I can't do this alone.
Well, Adrian, I I bid on you.
I mean, I don't think we need a chaperone.
Yeah, she's with me.
I can't do this alone.
Okay, fine good.
The more the merrier i just I hope I made enough cookies.
Oh, I painted this for you two years ago for your birthday, but Judge Franklin wouldn't let me give it to you because of the restraining order.
You know, Jerk.
Oh, please,make yourselves at home.
Sit down i'm sorry I'm babbling.
I'm nervous, you know? I've just been imagining this for so long, you know? You, Adrian Monk.
You're really here.
Oh! So rude.
Here we go.
Summit Creek Water.
It's his favorite.
I know.
Well, do you know what his favorite drink was last year? I do! Sierra Springs.
Ten ice cubes, of course.
And some cookies, fresh from the oven.
They're square.
I knew you would appreciate that.
Yeah, I've been baking all day and cleaning! I wanted everything to be perfect.
Marci is this my glass? Not anymore.
You threw it out, remember? And yes, this is your rug.
And yes, that's your lamp.
And yes, these are your pants.
Don't worry.
Not crazy, just a fan.
You are amazing.
But you know that, don't you? His pants? You know what I love? I love how you solve cases.
The way you move around and you look at things.
And you see things no one else sees.
I love that.
I mean, you really are a great artist.
Well, a great artist I don't know about that.
Is there a problem? No, no, no.
He's a great artist.
That's why I went to the auction.
Because I really am in trouble.
I need your help, you know? So do you wanna talk about the case now or should we just relax for a little while? What are the choices again? Relax or talk about the case.
Yeah, relax! Let's just relax.
Plenty of time.
Five hours and 52 minutes.
Mr.
Monk! Excuse me.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
This is my favorite.
It's from last summer.
See, what I do is I read the articles about you and then I make dioramas of the various cases.
This one is "Mr.
Monk and the Three Pies.
" What?! When you went to see your brother.
That's what I call it.
Is that me? Adrian, should we call the captain? Not yet, Marci.
We need to gather more evidence.
Natalie, get the car.
On my way, Mr.
Monk.
Is that me? It's a troll doll.
I can't imagine life without you.
Adrian, I've waited so long Marci, are you a musician? You know I am! I've only sent you all my demos.
I'm working on a song.
Here.
There's a man in California If you're ever in a funk He may not be F.
Murray Abraham But I think he's a hunk And his name is On second thought, why don't you tell me about the case? I'm sorry.
Can we start over? You had a dog.
- His name was Otto.
- Yep, that's right.
- And Otto died last week? - Monday, yeah.
Well, I buried him Monday night.
So he's in the ground, dead.
Dead, dead dog.
And then three days later, on Thursday, the woman across the street was attacked? By by a dog.
Yeah, she was mauled.
Isn't that the grossest word? "Mauled.
"Mauled.
I mean, Otto had snapped at her last year, but it wasn't a big deal.
But of course, the cops naturally think that he did it.
So they dug him up to compare the teeth marks.
And they matched.
Well, that's what they say.
They're gonna return him tomorrow.
I guess I'm gonna have to bury him again.
So to recap, the dog dies on Monday, then three days later, kills your neighbor.
Pretty freaky, huh? And the dog was definitely dead when you buried him.
Yeah, the dog was definitely dead when I buried him.
What do you think, I'm a nut? What do you think, Adrian? I stopped thinking an hour and a half ago.
What do you think? I think we should call the captain.
That's the men's room.
And Hey.
This is my desk.
Lieutenant Disher.
Oh, check these out.
Real handcuffs.
Wanna try 'em on? So Sam.
How long have you wanted to be a policeman? I don't wanna be a cop.
But your mom said you did.
Maybe when I was nine.
How old are you now? Nine and a half.
Who'd want to be a cop? You don't make any money and everybody hates you.
Okay, so, what do you wanna do? We got some game and stuff, I think, for when kids visit.
How about that? Let's see.
No.
Ah, yeah, here we go.
How about this? We got crayons.
Coloring book.
- I did that one.
- I used to love this game.
Hm.
Timber.
Set it up.
I'm looking at the forensic report right now, Monk.
Your girlfriend's in a lot of trouble.
Yeah, she's she's not my girlfriend.
Look, the bite marks all match 100%.
It's as good as a fingerprint.
She says the dog was already dead.
Debbie Ringel was attacked by a dog.
And it wasn't a ghost dog.
Here is a more likely scenario.
The dog kills the neighbor, Marci panics.
She has her own dog put down and claims that he died a couple of days earlier.
I don't know.
I- I don't know.
Animal control warned her about Cujo at least twice, which means she's responsible.
She could be indicted for manslaughter.
What she needs is a good lawyer and you need to get the hell out of there.
Okay? Bye-bye.
Right.
Natalie.
Not like that.
Push it with your fingertips.
Now pull it from the other side over here.
- All right.
- That's how you do it.
Having fun? Yeah.
You know.
If you need me, I will be at the Four Seasons with Linda.
Do not need me.
She'll kill me.
Okay, that's yours.
Have fun.
Oh, Captain? Have fun.
Okay, I'm gonna go again.
Push They think i killed Otto?! - Well, that would explain quite a bit.
- Makes a lotta sense.
No, I-I don't do that, okay? I don't kill things I love.
Well, that's reassuring.
There must be another explanation.
Like what, Marci? Like, I don't know.
I mean, you do it all the time.
The police have a theory and they think it's cut and dry.
And then you come in and you do your thing.
And you get clues and you figure it out.
You know, it's like "Mr.
Monk and the astronaut.
" Or "Mr.
Monk goes back to school.
" - Oh, remember that one? - No! Where are you getting these names? According to the forensic laboratory reports Yeah, well, they're wrong.
Okay.
They can make mistakes.
Maybe it was, uh, a frame-up.
They framed your dog? Yeah, maybe theydid frame my dog, Natalie.
It's not totally unprecedented.
What about "Mr.
Monk and the Panic Room"? They tried to frame a monkey, didn't they? See, things aren't always as they seem.
- That's true.
- Okay.
We made a deal.
Okay I spent $800 for six hours.
I own you.
You have to do what I say.
What if he's home? There's no car in the driveway.
Worry wart.
Adrian.
- You'll be the lookout.
- I'm not the lookout.
That's where they found her in the shed.
He's doing it.
That is so cool.
I've got goose bumps.
I really do.
You wanna see? - No, thank you.
- Bumpy.
You have the best job in the world.
Not today, I don't.
Did you say something? 'Cause it sounded like you said something.
What? She was attacked right here.
You can still see the blood.
But she must've tried to fight back.
Right? Look at all these tools.
Why why didn't she grab one of these tools? What are you doing? - Clue hug! - No! - Natalie! - Marci! Ooh, right.
Yes, go! Keep going you're amazing.
You're amazing.
Do your thing.
What is that? It's a flower petal.
Tulip? There's no tulips in this yard.
That's not a clue.
That's just something I notice.
This is what we call an observation.
Okay, right.
Can I help you? Oh, it's you! Why can't you just leave me alone? Mr.
Ringel, I'm very sorry for your loss.
I wonder if I could ask you a couple of questions.
Did you actually see Marci's dog on that day? Weknowit was her dog.
He crawled in under the fence.
You can still see the hole.
I talked to the cops.
All the teeth marks match.
And who the hell are you? Thisis Adrian Monk, okay? And he happens to be a genius.
Marci, don't don't If you have anything to hide and I have a hunch that you do he's gonna find it he's already found, like, a million clues tell him.
Okay, Marci, let's just leave this man alone.
Youdid it! You killed her.
You are in big trouble, mister.
Big trouble because Adrian Monk always gets his man, friend Sorry about her sorry about everything.
Sorry for your loss.
So sorry.
I- I did manage To get your tools all this hose is kind of a mess, though you might wanna.
.
it's okay.
Natalie! He said Natalie! According to the police, Otto dug this hole, attacked Mrs.
Ringel, then got out the same way.
So? Well, where's the dirt? It's all on the other side.
But that's the wrong side.
When a dog digs a hole, he pushes the dirt behind him.
And look! - Dead - Tulip.
It's possible.
There's a chance she's not crazy.
I mean, she's crazy, but she might not be wrong.
- Clue hug? - Take it like a man.
Uh, I need a wipe, Natalie.
Hold on! Right here here.
Oh, no! Use mine.
They're monogrammed.
They're better.
I- I did it myself.
They're sanitary wipes.
Doesn't that defeat the purpose? Adrian, she's ruing everything.
I mean, who is she? I'm his assistant, okay? I been with him for three years.
Well, I've known him even longer,okay? Here's a little news flash, Marci.
Stalking someone and knowing someone two different things! Excuse me.
Ladies, let's settle down.
I think we might have an actual murder on our hands.
Oh, woo-hoo! Exactly.
Woo-hoo.
Let's just think for a minute, okay? Tell me about the dog.
How did he die? Kidney failure.
He went really quickly.
Before he passed, did anything unusual happen? Oh, yes! About two weeks ago, he disappeared for a whole day.
I couldn't find him.
I was worried sick.
I was putting up posters everywhere.
And then around 6:00, he just showed up.
And you have no idea where he was? No.
He was covered in woodchips, though.
Is that important? It took me an hour to brush it out.
You still have the brush? The brush? Please.
Actually, that's a good idea.
I'll get it.
It's teak.
Mahogany.
Lumber yard.
Oh, no.
We have to now.
It's tradition.
Can I help you? This is Adrian Monk.
He's gonna be asking you some questions.
- What about? - You'll find out.
First, there are some ground rules.
No coughing, no sneezing.
You will not shake his hand.
You will not make small talk.
Do you understand? Lower that sleeve so it's even with the other one.
He's very particular.
Yes.
Have you seen this dog? No.
Thank you.
That is four lumber yards down, one to go.
How am I dong? Not bad, actually.
Well, if you ever need an assistant Well, I have Natalie.
Maybe it's time for a change.
Natalie and I have been together for three and a half years.
So I don't thi I'll work for free.
What? You're considering it? Well, you know free.
So? You wanna make a counter offer? Yeah, here's my counter offer.
I'm not nuts! You're right, you're right.
I'm sorry.
It ju It's her! - I get so flustered.
- Mr.
Monk, you're not flustered.
You're flattered.
Who wouldn't be? She adores you.
She knows everything about you.
After all, you're only human.
There's no need for name-calling.
You know what? On second thought, I think it's a great idea.
What are you doing? Calling a cab.
I'm going home What?! I'm glad that this happened, actually.
That woman is as obsessive and compulsive as you are.
I want you to see what it's like.
Go ahead.
Hang out with her, work with her.
I'll call you tomorrow.
We'll compare notes.
It's for the best, boss.
Last weekend was my fault.
Hmm.
And the weekend before that? That one - okay, that was my fault too.
- Mm-hmm.
Look, I've got two detectives on sick leave.
I have been swamped.
What does a girl have to do to get your attention, Captain? Kill someone? I'm not gonna answer it.
It is in the briefcase.
It's in the briefcase and the briefcase is locked.
Now where were we? Okay.
Fingertips.
Lt, we caught a break on that Chinatown thing.
Okay.
Give it to Kramer.
Tell him I'm busy.
I am Kramer.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
ding It's John Ringel.
That's the guy.
That's the husband.
Oh, yeah, he owns a lumber yard.
I forgot.
You forgot?! How could you forget?! We've been checking lumber yards all day! I'm sorry.
I wasn't thinking.
I'm not a perfect person.
- I need a hug.
- No, no more hugs.
Sorry, I was just closing up.
Not you again.
My dog was here.
You kidnapped my dog two weeks ago! You really are certifiable, aren't you? I told you to stop harassing me.
But that's it.
I'm gonna call my lawyer and then I'm calling the cops.
Let's just get outta here.
I think he's bluffing.
He's bluffing.
What is it? It's chew marks.
Look! Otto! You are amazing! What do you wanna call this case? I don't know! Shut up.
How about "Mr.
Monk is Friggin' Awesome"? How about "Mr.
Monk and Marci: The Adventure Begins"? It doesn't matter.
Nobody cares about the name.
Just shut it.
Monogrammed wipe.
"Plaster mold.
Do not ingest.
Marci, when Otto died, did you tell anyone? No.
Oh, my God.
Don't turn! Don't don't don't turn around.
I think you were right.
He's the guy.
And I know how he did it.
Oh, my gosh.
Say, "Here's what happened.
He must've been planning this forweeks! - Say, "Here's what happened"! - Shh.
Here's what happened.
John Ringel realized he could murder his wife and blame it on your dog.
Nobody would ever question it.
Everybody knew Otto was a little wild.
What are you doing? There's no hugging during the "Here's what happened.
" - Sorry, go on.
- Just stand over there.
That day Otto disappeared Ringel must've brought him here, drugged him, and made an impression of his teeth.
Oh, poor Otto! Then Ringel built a lethal weapon using the mold of Otto's teeth.
It couldn't have been too hard.
After all, he owns a lumber yard.
He had all the equipment he needed.
Then he waited.
He was in no rush.
One week, two weeks, until finally, she was alone.
He knew the bite marks would match up perfectly.
The cops everyone would assume it was your dog.
It was a perfect crime, except for one thing.
He had waited too long.
He didn't know that Otto had died three days earlier.
He was framing a dead dog! Wow.
That is incredible! Where did he go? Do it one more time for the website.
What are you doing?! I'm not gonna say it again.
You don't have to do the whole thing.
Say how you know how he killed his wife.
Would you keep your voice down? He's gonna hear us.
Too late.
I already heard ya.
Shut up and don't move.
- Shoot him.
- I don't have a gun.
You did in "Mr.
Monk and The Dragon's Lair.
" The what?! Oh, wait.
I made that one up.
- It's called "fan fiction.
" - I said shut up! Son of a bitch! What is it? Leland, this is not very romantic.
What are you looking at? Bite marks.
I'm afraid to ask.
Look at the bite marks.
That woman was attacked by a dog.
- Look at the bite marks.
- No, thank you.
They're all upside down.
Even the defensive ones.
I gotta make a phone call.
No, it's me.
I'm trying to find him.
Disher.
Randy, meet me at 420 Vinton Street.
It's a lumber yard it's owned by John Ringel.
Chop chop.
Who's John Ringel? As of ten minutes ago, he's a murder suspect.
Monk is there now.
I think he might be in trouble.
I'm on my way.
You still playing that stupid game? Randy? Randy? No.
What is this? Is this blood? - You've been shot.
- Oh, my God! I've been shot! It's okay.
It's just a scratch.
- What am I doing here? - Shut up.
This isn't fun anymore.
Why did you bring me here? I didn't bring you here! I don't wanna do this.
I hate this.
Excuse me pause.
Pause, please.
If we could just put a pause on this for a second.
I wanna go home.
And I know, but I am absolutely not gonna say anything about you killing your wife.
It's no biggie.
I mean, she was asking for it.
I've seen her out there.
I'm your neighbor.
I've seen her in the garden with her flower pot going blah, blah, blah.
My gardenias are awesome.
So I'm just gonna go.
Yeah, I don't think so! Monk! Come on out! I have your girlfriend! I'm not his girlfriend.
I don't even like him anymore.
Monk? Come out or I'll kill her.
Okay, right here.
Natalie, stay back.
- Where's your car, Marci? - Out front.
I hope you have a full tank.
- We got a long trip ahead of us.
- Listen.
I have to sit in the front.
It's one of my things.
Yeah, he's got a million "things.
" I don't know what I was thinking.
SFPD! Drop the weapon! Go, go, go! Go, go, go, go! Where is he? I can't get a shot.
Go around.
Go around! What are you doing? Let me see your hands! Let's see 'em.
Stupid game, huh? - What is it? - Oh, it's it's from Marci.
"Adrian, I'm sorry.
"I can't have your things in my house anymore.
"How would I ever explain them to Fff-Murray Abraham? F.
Murray Abraham.
- The actor.
- May God have mercy on his soul.
- Your pants are back.
- I'd already thrown this stuff out.
Oh, hey.
Look.
It's you.
Oh, Adrian, I adore you.
Aren't you amazing? I love everything you say and do.
All right.
- It wasn't like that.
- Thank you, Marci.
I think you have excellent taste.
You'd like to be my new assistant? You could follow me around and worship me all day.
Cut it out, will you? And let's seal the deal with a great big clue hug.
Clue hug! Clue hug! - Clue hug! - Stop it.
Oh, I love you.
I'm your biggest fan.
I just want a little clue hug! Cut it out.
I know it's you.
Clue hug, clue hug.