My Family (2000) s06e01 Episode Script

(Susan, seductively) Oh yes Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
Shouldn't you be reading that in your own room? - It's a self-help book.
- That's what I was afraid of.
You wouldn't understand.
Over and over again he puts his finger right on it.
And wipe that smirk off your face.
You know that's not what I mean.
Sorry.
What is this masterpiece? - Shut Up And Be Happy.
- Too late.
I'm married.
You know who reads this self-help crap, don't you? Gullible, middle-aged housewives whose children have flown the nest with nothing better to do than sit around Your hair looks really lovely.
For your information, Dr Buck has changed my life.
I thought I'd changed your life.
He changed it for the better.
Until I read this I had no idea what a people pleaser I was.
Really? Name one person you've ever pleased.
I'm behind my protective shield of detachment.
I could have done with one of those at work.
My patients have gone so downmarket my waiting room looks like an audience from Trisha.
Maybe you should give up dentistry and start doing tattoos.
It's not funny.
God, I need a drink.
Ben, Dr Buck says, "happiness is a decision.
" Good.
I'm going to get plastered.
"Control alcohol or alcohol will control you.
" Just a small one for me, darling.
Not quite that small.
Bit more Bit more When.
Mm.
You should give it a chance, Ben.
Dr Buck is a genius.
He helped me find my bliss spot.
Your what? That special place I go to when I get tense or stressed out.
I've got one of those.
You have to flush it, but it works for me.
Don't be in there when Dr Buck gets here.
What do you mean, here? He's on a book club tour and he always stays at a member's home.
It's his way of connecting with the public.
And saving himself a hundred quid a night in a hotel.
Keep talking and you'll be in one.
- Mum, I need sandwiches for tomorrow.
- What would you like? Some money to buy sandwiches.
We're off to the Natural History Museum.
I'll give your regards to the other old fossils.
I said stop at two, but you wouldn't listen.
Don't blame me, Mr "There won't be a chemist open at this time of night.
" I've got your morning post, Mr Harper.
Morning post? It's six o'clock in the evening.
Thank you, Alfie.
Yeah.
Well, um I started drinking coffee today for the first time in my life and it's made me a bit hyper.
I picked the post up this morning but I've had such a buzz I haven't stopped walking till now.
Oh Here I go again.
Who was that blur? Michael, you don't sound excited about going to the museum.
I'm sick of it.
Velociraptors and stegosaurases with crustaceous coelacanths? It's like a lame palaeontological joke.
The only word I heard there was "joke".
I don't believe this.
Dunster Park Country Club have turned me down.
I'm sorry, darling.
How was the interview? - Fine.
I just tried to be myself.
- I warned you against that.
What would I know? I'm just a gullible, middle-aged housewife with nice hair.
Dunster Park was very important to me.
This is a chance to meet classy, influential people.
After an afternoon with my hand in someone's rancid gob, I envy a vet - all he has to do is stick his arm up a cow's arse.
Are you ready to mix with classy, influential people? So, um How did you break your tooth? My helicopter pilot made a hard landing.
Oh.
You've got a helicopter, have you? - How did you hear about me? - You were nearest to the crash site.
Yeah.
Well, that's better than a referral.
Please take a seat.
Take a seat.
Oh, excuse me.
Sorry about this.
My last patient bred ferrets.
You know, Hoxton-Jones.
It's always been an ambition of mine to take care of the upper set's upper set.
Very good.
Very good.
I won't need anaesthetic with jokes like that.
You know, I always wanted a man of calibre in my chair.
I don't want to be a snob or anything but there are two sets of rules.
Between the haves and the have-nots? Do you know what? I got turned down by a country club yesterday.
- No? - Yeah.
I did.
Banks are no better.
The price of these instruments.
I have to make do with these.
Bent, old, rusty.
Open wide.
Oh, yup.
We'll solve that.
- Yup.
It's just not fair.
- I agree.
- You do? - Mm.
Absolutely.
Hard-working professional man like yourself deserves more of a break.
Your helicopter crash is the best thing that's happened to me in weeks.
When you get on a plane, you want to go into First Class instead of with the cattle.
You'd better keep talking while you can.
You want to get theatre tickets when the show is sold out.
Yes.
Yes, I But how? Well, there are ways.
See this ring? It can open doors.
Haven't I seen that on Star Trek? It's a symbol of a special organisation I belong to.
A "fraternity", if you like.
- Like the Freemasons? - Good Lord, no.
Bunch of well-meaning do-gooders.
All that charity work? I should co-co.
No.
We're in it for ourselves.
You want all the perks? You have to know the right people.
Our society is composed of all the right people.
It's completely secret, of course.
Known only to a privileged few.
It's called It's all right.
The fish won't breathe a word.
It's called the Brotherhood of the Cockerel.
Brotherhood of the Cockerel? We're always on the lookout for dynamic new members.
As it happens, I think you'd fit right in.
As chance would have it, we have an opening in our roost.
Interested? - Oh, I should co I should say so.
- It's not cut and dried.
There's a complicated initiation ritual you have to pass.
- When would I get the door-opening ring? - Oh, not straightaway.
In the Brotherhood of the Cockerel you start as a hatchling, then a chick, eventually you progress to bantam.
Then, one day, like me, you become the big cock.
There's something about that that sounds so right.
Hello, my English rose.
Hello, my Welsh rarebit.
I, er I brought you Lord Of The Rings on DVD.
Ooh.
The extended version.
I thought you'd enjoy the extra footage.
I love those gnomes.
Abi, I keep telling you, they're not gnomes, they're elves.
That's why they speak Elvish.
Must be nice to have another language.
Well, I've got a second tongue.
Ooh.
You've been keeping that one quiet.
(Speaks Welsh) - Oh, my God.
Was that Elvish? - No, no.
It's Welsh.
I don't care what it is.
Just say it again and say it longer.
Was there anything else? Yes Actually, there was.
Just say it, Roger.
Just say it! Have you finished with my copy of The Phantom Menace? Come up and get it.
Oh, Ben.
He'll be here any minute.
I'm so nervous.
I shouldn't be really.
Dr Buck says "If you're nervous of someone, imagine them in their underwear.
" But with Dr Buck that makes it worse.
Imagine him in your underwear then.
That'll do.
- What's that? - Wouldn't you like to know? I'm not going to tell you because I'm sworn to secrecy.
- Fine.
- I've got a candle a bottle of oil and a length of rope.
- We're having one of those nights? - Yeah No, no, no.
This is my initiation gear.
Yes.
Susan I'm going to join a very exclusive and secret society called the Brotherhood of the Cockerel.
Don't you even dare.
You're allowed one titter.
Yes, go on.
Laugh away, bliss girl.
But this is the break I've been looking for.
- (Doorbell) - That's Dr Buck.
- How do I look? - Blissful.
- Open the door.
- You're the one into self-help.
- Ben! - OK.
I'm going.
- Buck Bukowski.
- Buck Bukowski to you too.
You must be Ben.
Thank you for making me welcome in your wonderful home.
You haven't seen it yet.
Come in.
Susan! Your date's here.
Susan Harper.
These are for you.
l-I I've read all your Each chapter is like My life has been completely And, well, um I mean And to think that you're here in my very own I've waited a long time to say that.
But if you missed any, it's all available on Ceefax.
Susan, all I've ever wanted to do is to help regular folks like you navigate life's fault lines.
Like I say in the book, "Why be down and wear a frown" "while all the while you can wear a smile?" Oh, if only Gandhi had thought of that.
- What you got there, Benny? - Can't say, Bucky.
Highly confidential.
Ben's joining a secret society.
It's called the Brotherhood of the Cockerel.
Right, Susan.
Just for that, I'm going to tell Mrs Trubshawe what you did with her jam tarts.
She threw them away.
Ben, I'm not doing that judgmental thing but secret societies are a kind of safe haven for the insecure and weak-minded, don't you think? He has to have somewhere to go.
Oh, thought bubble, Ben.
Don't look for the answer in others, look for the answer within.
What does the inner Ben want to say? - The inner Ben wants to tell you to go - Ben.
It's all right, Susan.
We're both alpha males.
I love this Ben-me thing.
Grrr! Grrr! You've just defused all the tension brilliantly.
Not all the tension.
I'm going to check on the roast.
Leave it to the smoke detector.
You usually do.
- Missing you already.
- Oh I'll be right back.
If you don't, I'll come looking for you.
- Ben - Yes? I love you, man.
Gotta go.
- Emotion frightens you, doesn't it? - Not as much as you do.
Look, I know you think I'm full of it and maybe I am, but my philosophy is calmness through kindness.
- (Mobile phone) - If that makes me foolish in your mind, then I'm a fool Sorry, gotta take this.
Yeah.
Hello.
Yeah.
Just a sec.
Listen, numb nuts, you're the third lawyer my wife has had and I'm gonna tell you what I told the other schmucks.
I would rather shove my money up a dead donkey's tush than give her another dime! Where were we, Ben? Calmness, kindness Something like that.
I can't believe you gave up our bed to that charlatan.
- You know where I am, Ben.
- In denial.
I'm on a tropical island.
My toes are curled in the warm sands of the Caribbean.
A steel band is playing.
And a handsome young waiter called Sven is bringing me a gin sling.
Hm.
From the sound of it, it's not your first.
Join me, Ben.
There's an empty sun lounger.
I can't, darling.
I've got to swim out and save Dr Buck who is being savaged by a great white shark.
No.
Look.
Dr Buck has tamed the great white shark with the power of his positive thinking.
The shark says, "Thank you" and carries him to the shore.
No.
Look.
On the beach are six real doctors waiting for Dr Buck and they've got a straightjacket.
Oh, no.
They're putting it on Dr Buck.
What's he going to do now? Listen, chicken-face.
You just hate Dr Buck because he made fun of your silly club.
You'd do anything to besmirch his reputation.
Besmirch? That's what he'd like to do to you.
What? "Hurry on back.
I'm missing you already"? That man is lucky to be alive.
Pathetic.
You just don't want me to be happier than you.
Susan, there are pit ponies happier than me.
You can't bear that Buck has control and serenity you can only dream of.
Serenity? Control? I didn't mention this before, but when you were in kitchen I overheard your blessed St Buck completely lose his rag on the phone.
It seems Pope Dalai Lama II is divorcing his poor wife and he's going to put all his money in a dead donkey's bottom.
Get off my island! Hello, Mr Harper.
Mm.
I'm sorry I'm talking so much.
It's the caffeine.
Come on in.
This is me.
I really enjoyed your talk on the Etruscans yesterday.
Yes.
It's always been very reliable for me.
If you can't trust an Etruscan, who can you trust? You did that joke yesterday.
The artefacts? Can I see them? I've got to get back to work.
Yeah, of course.
What's this? Now, this looks ancient.
That's just some of my mum's sponge cake.
How did it get in there? Amazing.
This is first century Roman.
And you found all of this in your back garden? Well, all except the sponge cake.
That was in the front garden with Mrs Trubshawe's jam tarts.
More pieces like this and we could be looking at a major find.
That's what I was hoping.
Well, I've got to go but I'd love to come back after work and see your dig.
Sure.
We'll get down and dirty together.
In the hole that I've dug.
For myself.
It's all right.
Go on.
"Thrice times shall the hatchling circle the roost.
"He shall walk the walk and squawk the squawk.
" Am I talking too fast? I'm still wired from yesterday.
No.
Missing the odd word, but you're fine.
The idea is this.
Does this look good? (Soft clucking) - What kind of club is this again? - Very prestigious, Alfie.
Yeah.
I can see that.
- I don't think you're bobbing enough.
- OK.
(Warbling clucks) This is ridiculous.
How can the right people have a stupid initiation ceremony like this? Oh, you'd be surprised, Mr Harper.
Many secret societies have ceremonies far sillier than this.
Or certainly as silly.
My Uncle Maldwyn joined the Loyal Society of the Hedgehog.
Did he do well in business? Oh, yes.
Well, right up until the moment he was scurrying across the B317 and was squashed by a lorry.
Anyway, give me the squawk.
(Strangled squawking) - Does that sound like a cockerel? - Not from any farm I've ever been on.
- Well, you know.
You show me.
- OK.
(Clears throat) Right.
- (Slow squawking) - That is so good.
That is - (Clucking) - That is so That is dignified.
Yeah.
(Both cluck) Who are they? Never seen them before in my life.
(Speaks Welsh) Oh, don't stop.
(Giggles) But I've said too much.
I should go.
Oh no, Roger.
Not yet.
When you talk Welsh you're like a different person.
Maybe I am, Abi.
Maybe I am.
Tonight? Will you be wearing a ceremonial robe or will you have a "capon"? I'm not going to stoop to your level and make stupid puns.
Only cos you can't think of any.
- What are you doing with that shovel? - Digging your graves.
That's nice.
When you've finished the tunnel, I'll escape with you.
Shall we hit the road? Oh, my God.
Who let Audrey Hepburn into the house? (Giggles) This is remarkable.
- You feel it too? - The ages are all wrong.
Doesn't mean we can't make it work.
I'm talking about this piece of urn.
It was made a good 150 years before the Romans even arrived here.
How do you explain that? Advance scouting party? How much of this stuff actually came from your garden, Michael? Well, not including the sponge cake nothing.
Where did it come from? School display case.
You did all of this just to get me over here.
Picked up on that, did you? You dug up your entire back garden just so you could go out with me.
- Why didn't you just ask me? - Would you have said yes? I might have back then.
Now I just think you're some kind of weird stalker.
She'll be back.
And so we come to the last part of the initiation ceremony.
Offer up Hatchling Harper.
Hatchling Harper you have been bedecked with the garb of the brotherhood and anointed.
Are you ready to swear the oath of allegiance? (Nasally) Yup.
I am.
Then do so now.
- I call upon those present - (Electronic clucking) I call upon those present to bear witness that I (Soft clucking) Hatchling Harper do hereby solemnly declare to uphold the honour and code of the Brotherhood of the Cockerel.
Should I ever betray this trust, may my wattle be severed and my giblets be scattered to the four winds.
Cock-a-doodle-doo.
Congratulations.
You're now admitted to this fraternity.
- Cock-a-doodle-doo.
- Cock-a-doodle-doo.
And so, brothers, in time-honoured fashion, it is incumbent upon me to say let's party! (# Pulsating disco) Come on, sexy.
I'm having the first dance.
Oh! Sorry.
No harm done.
Well, Susan.
Here's to our new venture.
Yes.
- Oh.
What? - Our collaboration.
What are you talking about? I've always wanted to write a book with one of my fans.
I'm just so damn jazzed about the idea.
Well, I do have a lot of wonderful stories.
I once thought I saw Mick Jagger in Oxfam.
But it wasn't.
Just a skinny chap eating a doughnut.
- We could get a whole chapter out of that.
- What would we call the book? Susan, I think we should call it Shut Up And Kiss Me.
Oh Oh-oh.
I can't believe how stupid I was.
You've lied to me from the moment you walked in.
I bet I don't look like Audrey Hepburn either.
- Susan - Get out of my sight! Susan, I know you must hate me but you couldn't hate me as much as I hate myself.
We both hate you equally.
Now go! You wouldn't want to take a shower? Go! (Door slams) Two words, Susan.
Gay Disco.
- Do you want to expand on that? - Not really, no.
How was your evening? - Dr Buck made a pass at me.
- At least he's straight.
He did what?! He did what?! - When?! Where is he?! - Upstairs.
Unfortunately for Dr Buck, I'm in the mood to assert my masculinity.
- So am I! - Yeah.
Go on! (Buck) Oh-oh.
You know what I'm going to do with this book, Buck? Book-Buck.
I'm going to reunite it with your inner man.
Simmer down.
I've got lawyers that'll take your house.
Are you going to let him talk like that? - Of course he is.
He's a chicken.
- Chicken?! Don't you call me a chicken! Benjamin! I thought he'd never leave.
- Right.
The Buck stops here.
- Not the face.
Ben? Pretty lucky really.
Do you know where this big pile of earth came from? Michael! Say that one again about my face being all sunsetty.
(Speaks Welsh) Danger.
Road works ahead.
What? That's what he just said.
I speak Welsh.
Is this true, Roger? He's right, Abi.
I worked in the gift shop at Caernarfon Castle for one summer.
I thought you were saying such nice things to me.
Oh, well, in that case he should have said (Speaks Welsh) Nah, nothing.
Say that one about roadworks again, Roger.
I'm sorry things didn't work out with Dr Buck.
I'm sorry things didn't work out with the cockerels.
- So did they give you a ring? - Nope.
But a couple have promised to write.