Nip/Tuck s06e01 Episode Script
Don Hoberman
Previously on "Nip/Tuck" The tumor has spread to thesuperclavicular lymph node.
- Give me a ball park.
- 6 months.
- My best friend just told met hat he's - Dying? - I actually have to say the word.
- It feels like I'm losingeverything.
I want you to come home withme,lizzie.
I want you to marry me.
I now pronounce you husbandand wife.
Our lab tech switched yourI.
D.
Numbers.
Your cancer is inremission.
I wish you and yourbride a long,happy lifetogether.
In 1987,after the infamousblack monday crash, a newfinancial golden age was born, and along with it,a newindustry, the luxury industry.
New found wealth coupled witheasily available credit opened the door to vanities andexcesses once reserved for therich and famous.
Since that time,the one luxury business that has always seen annual growth has been plastic surgery.
Doctors sean mcnamara andchristian troy rode this wave offinancial proficiency.
Theysuckled unabashed from the teatof a flush society willing tospend millions on the newmust-have statussymbols-- incompliant thighs andtitanic tits.
When you're done with herlipo,you can start on her rightbreast.
Do you realize we're gonnaclear a quarter of a millionbucks on this patient alone? Haha ha! But as in every fairy tale,there was a costly lesson to belearned.
The credit crunch hit.
Sean and christian were notimmune to the downturn.
Beauty is symmetry,mrs.
Praline.
We're happy to do yourtummy tuck,but sts.
you're not gonnabe bikini ready until you let usaugment your brea We prefer to do more than onesurgery at a time.
That way youonly go under anesthesia once, and your recovery time isconsiderably faster.
I told you,I've only gotenough left in my home equityline of credit to get a tummytuck.
For sean mcnamara,a manwound tighter than ahummingbird's asshole, thefinancial stress wasoverwhelming.
He began fighting incessantlywith his ex-wife julia,.
who nowresided in new york with theirtwo children French lessons and karate? Julia,you're overschedulingthem.
Well,then you're gonnahave to start paying for it.
Sean's troubles were furtherexacerbated by his newgirlfriend,teddy rowe, whoseemed immune to the financialanxiety gripping the nation.
Can you imagine? She had grown accustomed toher beau's largesse and wasn'tgoing to resort to trumperywhen it came to celebratingtheir 6-month anniversary.
I love them.
And how much are these? Sean's anxiety ate at himlike vultures on fresh carrion.
He developed a seeminglyincurable case of insomnia.
Freed from his death sentence, christian celebrated byproviding the merchants of rodeodrive with his own economicstimulus package.
Hot shit rock and roll.
Congrats,doctor.
She's abeauty Remember,jack,spending isoptimism.
Sean and christian weren'tthe only ones struggling.
Justhome from their honeymoon, christian revealed to dr.
Lizcruz that he wasn't dying ofbreast cancer and no longerwished to remain married.
I took care of your first andlast at your new apartment.
Thesecurity deposit,too.
If you want,we can go furnitureshopping on the weekend.
- Just let me do this alone,ok? - Come on,liz.
- We're stillfriends.
- We're not friends.
I'm yourwife.
Why didn't you tell me youweren't dying when we were away? Why did you go let me make afool of myself? I just wanted you to have agood time.
I'm just trying to bepractical.
We'd be a perfectmatch for 6 months,but 60years? I mean,I'd be cheatingon you within a week.
I just don't want to hurt youany more than I already have.
What do you want me to do? - Thank you for breaking my heart? - No.
I just want you tounderstand that this isn't easyfor me,either.
I love you,andI'll never forget how you tookcare of me.
And this is how you repay me,huh? Former porn millionairekimber henry found herself tossed out of ram peter's silk-sheeted bed with nothingbut the realization that there'snothing less marketable than anold whore.
Once again,she triedto reinvent herself.
So you do electrolysis now? Well,I went to night schoolto get certified.
Well,hear me out.
Just say somelady sasquatch comes in for somelipo,ok? You smooth her out,you make her thighs likeporcelain,but she's got some hairs back there,and that's no good.
That's whereI come in.
Ok.
Look at this.
It doesn'teven hurt.
And figure this isa great way for you to promoteyour business.
You're gonna havean on-site esthetician,and iknow what it takes to becamera-ready.
Kimber,it's a great idea, but business is too slow rightnow to take on any new expenses.
We can't afford you.
This was rock bottom.
Mcnamara/troy,once thetiffany's of the plastic surgeryworld, was now like a malodorouswhale carcass washed up on zumabeach.
The clients were gone.
With them went the money,andwith that went the joy.
What is this? It's generic.
We need to cutback everywhere.
- That's bullshit.
- Christian,you're not gettingit.
We are in trouble.
I want my goddamn yoplait! I just finished payingoff last semester's tuition, forwhich you received no creditsbecause you never took yourfinals,ok? I have here your carregistration renewal.
You have9 unpaid parking tickets, andthe credit card I gave you foremergencies has several luxurycharges on it.
- Well,I can explain those charges.
- Matt,listen to me.
You need to pay back some of those debts.
It's ridiculous.
You got $450 for some men's store called emmanuel delacroix.
It's not a men's store.
Emmanuel delacroix is the number-one mime in the world, and he's here doing aonce-in-a-lifetime master class.
What? Yeah.
My acting teacherturned me on to him.
Look youknow how they say when you findyour bliss is when the moneystarts rolling in? I think I'vefound it.
Mime is so amazing,man.
It takes us beyond ourpetty egos,beyond language,andunifies us.
It's a great art form,ok? The pure universal language of gesture.
Is this a joke? Listen,boxcar willie.
We can rent your room,ok?So you either kick in, or you're out by the 1st,ok? So get off yourunicycle or whatever the hell it is that mimes drive these daysand get a goddamn real job.
You know,it's a waste oftime trying to share anythingwith you two.
Hello.
Mm-hmm.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Thank you very much.
- What was that? - That's liz's attorney.
She'ssuing me for divorce.
I just never expected thisfrom her.
She's not greedy,youknow? Possessive,maybe.
Stubborn,sloppy.
Christian,remember,thetrick is not to get emotional.
It's our job to make a rationalappeal to her better nature,and--holy shit! - Holy shit what? - She hired roger payne.
With a"y," but the meaning is thesame.
How bad could it be?Theguy's blind.
So is justice.
Look,this is ridiculous.
Imean,come on,liz.
We can letthe lawyers argue about this,or we can settle this asfriends.
What do you say? I never meant to hurt you.
I--ithink that you should becompensated for everything thatI put you through.
Here.
I hope this is enough.
Hmm.
$250,000.
Should coveryour legal fees,mrs.
Troy.
Mrs.
Troy?We were married 5minutes.
Yes,well,in the course ofthose 5 minutes,mrs.
Troy gaveup her residence and half of herincome.
- I thought I was dying.
- Is that why you puteverything in her name? You what? I was taking care of wilbur,you know?I was trying to beresponsible.
Well,I'm sure you want tocontinue to be responsible bysettling with mrs.
Troy 50% ofall personal property and halfof your interest inmcnamara/troy.
What the hell are yousmoking? She can't do that.
Canshe do that? Is it in her name? OH,I get it.
I get it.
Thisisn't a negotiation; this is agang rape.
- Welcome to california.
- Jesus,liz,I can't believeyou'd stoop this low.
- You'refired.
- Ah.
Afraid not,dr.
Troy.
Youcan't fire her until the case issettled.
It's the law.
Come on,lizzie.
Saysomething.
You should have gotten aprenup.
It's cheaper not to fight.
Ijust think you're in denial ifyou assume it's not gonna costyou.
There's nothing wrong withbeing in denial,my friend.
Ourwhole careers were built on it.
And let's just forget aboutthat crap,ok? We just got torelax,drink some beer,andenjoy the water for the day,allright? Uh,what's all this? What? - They seized my boat.
- You're kidding.
What for? You know,I missed a fewpayments here and there,but-- jesus.
They're saying they'llauction it off if I don't paythe balance by the end of themonth.
I mean-- - You better sell it.
- I can't sell it.
This is theonly thing that isn't in liz'sname.
jesus! I mighthave to live here if she getsthe house.
I'll just take some money out ofthe business,you know?Just tocover me for now.
If you borrow more,you loseyour credit rating,and thenyou're really worth nothing.
Then I'll get some money fromyou,all right? Just front me 6months for the rent on themalibu house.
Uh, you know,now might be agood time to give you notice.
I'm moving out.
Things have beengood with teddy,and we'retalking about getting a place.
What? Christian? Dr.
Mike hamoui was the miamiplastic surgeon that christianhad not seen since theirhomoerotic shower encounter twoyears ago.
Hey,I heard you guys wereout here now,too! Mike,remember my partnersean mcnamara? Yeah,yeah,of course iremember.
You know,I was just going totake the "reverie" out for aspin.
You guys want to join me? HEY - nice boat, -Thanks.
You guys want to get some grub? - Yeah,sure.
-Yeah.
Yeah,I can go about 2,000miles without having to stop inthis bad boy right here.
Mostboats,you know,go as far as,like,cabo.
We went to acapulcolast year with the girls.
It wasa great trip.
How many feet is it? About 102.
Yeah,I was thinking about getting one this big,but,uh, they're a bitch to park.
True,that.
Gives the girls,though,plenty of room to spreadout.
Sienna,honey,you're frying yourself again.
Go put onthe sunscreen that I gave you,huh?Thank you.
So,mike,you have your ownpractice out here now? Yeah! After I soldchristian's condo and made ahuge profit,I decided to travelaround,become a pod surgeon.
Iwork for myself now,dosurgeries.
Just don't keep anoffice.
Man,do I love L.
A.
I don't get it.
A podsurgeon? Yeah.
I find a practice and ipay 10% of my profits to usetheir surgery suites.
There's nostrings attached,I have nooverheadIt's a win/win foreveryone.
.
Thank you,honey.
Only seconds passed beforesean and christian proposed asimilar deal to mike.
Bringinghim into their business as a podsurgeon would help ensure boththeir financial futures.
- I think it's really - Mike was happy to accept.
I know Every year there's anew high-tech trend in exercise,but nothing can compare to thekettle bells.
They originated inrussia in 1704.
Obviously thekettle bells are not a trend.
The beauty of the kettle bell isthat it's a combination ofstrength and cardiac Um,we're short a small reef retractor.
I gave mine back to linda.
Where's yours? I gave it to linda.
You have any idea what the hell this is? A,uh,small reef retractor.
Oh,nice,sean.
Oh,god.
I'm sorry.
- I haven'tbeen sleeping well.
- You know what? I'm under alot of stress,too,right? Butyou don't see me opening us upto a malpractice suit that couldbury us.
Hey.
What's going on with you? Don'tsay nothing.
Meticulous seanmcnamara does not screw up atummy tuck.
I haven't been able to sleep.
I'm thinking about my kids alot.
It's conor's birthday.
He'sthere,I'm here,and it sucks,but I don't want to burden youwith all this.
Hey,nothing about your lifeis a burden to me,all right? Ilove you.
Oh your sleeping pills.
I'msurprised you have not written ascrip for yourself.
I don't want to do that.
Pills scare me.
I don't eventake advil,especially after iwas rushed to the hospital a fewyears ago.
Ecstasy.
Yeah.
I knewyou'd like that.
You know,there's a beautifulresort.
It's been renovated.
It's up in ojai.
We could goaway for the weekend.
It's onlyan hour away.
What happened to the girl who didn't give a shit about all these conventional bourgeois trappings,huh? Now it's all about weekends away,his and her massages.
Hey,I'm just trying to finda way to make you feel better.
If you're not interested inthat,just forget I saidanything.
Anything.
sorry,but dr.
Hamoui isbooked solid for the next twoweeks.
His next availableappointment is on the 15th.
Mike,where's the couch? Don't worry,fellas.
It's allsafely in storage, and thisstuff won't cost you a penny.
Feel free to use it as much asyou like.
I figured you wouldn't grab that doughnut with these machines staring at you.
You know what? We don't need anybody telling us how to take care of ourselves.
That's not why we brought you in here.
I'm sorry.
I'll have the equipment gone by the end of theday.
No,the equipment can stay,mike.
What we want to talk about is the 20 patients out in thelobby.
- That was fast,right? - What did you do? It's all about creating aniche market and then selling yourself.
Business 101,fellas.
Do you mind if we sit in on one of your consults? Yeah.
Will they be assisting in the surgery? Absolutely not.
They'reexcellent surgeons, but I'm the only doctor who lays a hand on any of my patients.
They're just here to consult.
Good.
My friend lindsey thompson-- she said you're the best.
She said her vaginal rejuvenation saved her marriage.
I remember lindsey.
How many kids do you have? My youngest,derek-- he was a very hard birth.
I needed two episiotomies, and,well, things haven't been the same down there since.
There are thousands of women just like you out there.
It's exactly why I've stream lined my practice.
One procedure done right-- vaginal reconstruction.
It's brilliant.
Do you realize, most vaginal reconstructions take less than 20 minutes to perform? And they cost 15 grand a pop.
No wonder he's raking it in.
We can do this, christian.
We're better surgeons than he is.
How often do you and your husband have sex, mrs.
Brett? I understand, but you don't have to be ashamed.
I know this is unorthodox, but i want you to feel comfortable with me.
I have nothing to hide, - and neither should you.
- Lindsey said you might dothis.
He's selling sex.
We can do that.
Damn straight.
I was in "playgirl.
"okay Oh, it all sounds so good,but our insurance won't cover the procedure.
You think you don't deserve this.
I'm sorry, but I got to call bullshit on that one.
You just need to find a way to reclaim your sexuality.
Is there a better way than to make the tool with which you express that sexuality look and feel the way it did when you were in your 20s? I want you to know, this isn't just another surgery to me, and I'm not some high-school kid who thinks that every vagina is the same.
Yours is different.
It'S special, and I'm gonna get to know it inside and out.
When's you next appointment? We can't just start stealing hamoui's clients.
We need his 10% to keep the electricity on.
So, we'll come to him with aplan, include him in on it.
Well, we're the experts.
He'll look like a novice next to us.
I'm telling you, there are hundreds of thousands of women who need this.
That's a lot of untapped vagina.
How you planning on reaching them, crazy sean's cross-country gyno tour? No.
Better.
We need to call kimber first.
Christian, wake up.
Hey, hey,wake up.
Jesus, it's 2:00 in themorning.
Just because you can't sleep, doesn't mean I shouldn'T.
It's on right now.
Come on.
Get up.
Los angeles--land of the beautiful people, where dreams always come true and fantasy is reality, where you're as young as you feel when your partner is inside of you.
Hi,I'm dr.
McNamara of McNamara/Troy plastic surgery.
These days, there are so many options for male sexual gratification, but fewer choices for our fairer sex.
I'd like to tell you about a new technique we've developed called the vaginal uplift.
According to masters and johnson, sexual satisfaction is due to the amount of frictional forces generated during intercourse.
sweetie.
This simple out patient procedure restores the architectural integrity of the vagina.
It takes under an hour, andin just days, both you and your partner will be enjoying a whole new level of sexual satisfaction.
Hi.
I'm kimber henry,actress.
Some of you may remember me from my work as an adult film star.
After I retired, I gave birth to my babygirl.
I was having trouble reaching orgasm.
That's when I decided to go see the doctors at McNamara/Troy.
Tell us what you don't like about your vagina.
They were respectful,relaxed, and informative.
They asked me to tell them exactly what I was hoping for and how I wanted to look and feel.
Mm, and the exam was gentle and discreet.
If you call and book your consult in the next half-hour, we are offering a 6-installment fee, payable over the next year.
But don't take it from us.
Listen to some of our satisfied customers.
I felt a lot of shame when my significant other told me that my vagina reminded him of a roast beef sandwich, but sincemy vaginal uplift, I feel more attractive and more confident, and the bonus is no pesky incontinence when I swing that golf club.
I feel like a 20-year-old on the green again.
You guys are great.
Yes! Yeah.
That's the way to go.
- Right? - Yes! It's a winner.
Well done.
Ok.
Did you brush your teeth? Did you get all that nasty cotton candy out of your mouth,huh? Let's see.
Oh, my goodness,have you ever seen cleaner teeth in your whole life? No.
Nighty-night, sweetie.
Can we go to the zoo nextweek? Of course you can.
Auntlizzie is your buddy, right? Right.
Right.
I love you, auntie liz.
I love you, sweetheart.
Ok.
You go to sleep.
Love you.
You sure you have to leave sosoon? I made your favorite--mushroom risotto.
- I thought maybe you could-- - I lied about liking your risotto.
It tastes like gruel.
Oh, well, maybe you could stay for a drink.
Oh, come on, lizzie.
It's us.
Don't you dare use that word.
Why? There's always gonna bean us.
If there's one thing I've learned about life, it's that it's fragile.
Relationships like ours are rare, weird but rare.
I don't want to lose you.
Neither does wilbur.
Come on.
Let's take the boxing gloves off just for a minute for his sake.
I got a 1995 chateau mandeville.
Is it expensive? This is a $400 bottle of wine, sweet thing.
Well, then I'll take half of it.
Oh.
That's what I've always loved about you.
Is it? Is that what you loved about me, my sense of humor? Because it's been a long time since I laughed about anything.
You've pretty much wrung all the joy out of me.
Tell me what I can do to make it up to you.
You're gonna make it up to me, all right.
That's why i hired roger.
I'm not talking about money.
That lawyer you hired, he's scum.
You really think that cleaning me out is gonna make you feel any better? Yes.
I do, and you know why? Because you can't keep treating people like toilet paper.
You can't keep wiping your ass with them and flushing them like they're disposable.
I used to have such scorn for those women who fell all over you.
I thought they were all empty-headed bimbos, the way they'd cry over you, but, you know, I see them differently now because I became one of them, and I am gonna stand up on behalf of all of us because I am not gonna let it be so easy for you.
I am not gonna allow you to break my heart and - then not suffer the consequences.
- Oh, stop being such a drama queen.
I mean, serious, your heart is gonna be fine.
Your dance card is gonna be twice as full now you've discovered the joys of dick.
I mean, let's face it.
- Face what? - Face the fact that yours truly here, ok, I found your g-spot.
What the hell are you doing with it? I'm wasting your money,christian.
And to think I was such an idiot that I felt bad coming over here, wringing you dry.
Lizzie, come on.
Just calm down.
You know what'll calm me down? A boat, yours.
Don't you even think about it.
Oh, you can kiss that good-bye, and when you're sitting here and you're cutting out your little coupons, I want you to think of me partying on my hot, floating dyke bar-- the lesboat.
Once we saw your infomercial on tv, we had to come in.
Yeah.
Mrs.
Hoberman, tell me what you don't like about your vagina.
Her vagina is fine.
It's better than that.
We'rehere for don.
Yeah.
I want one of those 6-pack surgeries.
Well, the surgical term is abdominal etching, but-- Our infomercial was about vaginal rejuvenation.
No.
I know, but you know the scene where you're playing volleyball with the other guy,dr.
Hamoui? yeah.
Well, seeing you two with your shirts off next to him made me realize how much I let myself go.
What? I'm changing locks by tomorrow, right? You either pay your share of the rent by sundown, or you can sleep on the beach with all the other freaks.
What can I get you? Small or large, marcel? It's $1.
08.
You need 8 more cents.
No money, no coffee.
This ain'ta charity.
You can't pay, gosomeplace else.
Leave before icall a cop.
Let go, you freak.
Now you're gonna pay for that.
Ok, ok.
You can have your dollarback, ok? Ok, ok.
Ok.
Here.
Dr.
Troy, you do realize that your being here places me inviolation of the legal code of professional responsibility.
You recognize my cologne.
Just give me 5 minutes of your time, and if you don't like my proposition, you never saw me.
all right.
You have 5 minutes.
I'll give you 250 grand now and another 250 if you convince liz cruz to drop the case.
Dr.
Troy, this is a breach of ethics.
It is against everything that I stand for.
Besides, it would take more than a tawdry bribe to get me to jeopardize a lifetime of legal practice.
How much, then? Take off your pants.
Excuse me? My secretary tells me you're an adonis.
I'd like to know what an adonis sounds like when he jerks off.
I'm sorry.
What? Masturbate.
Pleasure yourself in front of me, describing to me exactly what you're doing stroke by stroke.
Once you bring yourself to climax, I will accept your offer, and I wil lconvince mrs.
Troy that we cannot win the case.
Gee, what about your ethics code? I don't think that this is covered in the aba handbook.
Besides, I can always claim that I never saw you.
So, you're a pervert.
Dr.
Troy, your proposition requires that I compromise myself on your behalf.
This is simply quid pro quo.
- Your 5 minutes are up.
- Wait, wait, wait.
No, no.
Wait.
Just, uh ok.
there.
Pants are off.
Lair.
Don't worry.
No one can see through the windows.
Whatever.
That's better.
Touch your dick, dr.
Troy, and describe it to me.
Feels great.
It's very hard.
We're not in a courtroom now,dr.
Troy.
I want more than just the facts.
Paint me a picture,how your hand feels as you touch it.
Take off your briefs.
Let yourself breathe.
This is ridiculous.
I'll see you in court.
Good luck.
You know, I did lose a case once Yeah.
But unlike you, I wasn't able to make him take his pants off.
That's when I knew he had me.
Let's look at the brightside, partner.
At least mr.
Hoberman's 6-pack will bring in some income.
And maybe christian can take his share and get a gym membership.
You got to do something about that gut there,tubby.
Liz, that's enough.
I know, and isn't it great? Because I can say whatever i want to, and he can't fire me.
You know, sean, I'm thinking we're done with hoberman here.
We should turn our fat-sucking wand onto liz's huge ass.
All right.
Enough! Has it occurred to either of you the effect you're having on switzerland here? I stay up late nights trying to figure out a way to help you two make amends.
Deal with your hurt feelings and grow up.
I'm sick of this shit.
Ok.
I am so sorry, sean, but from a medical viewpoint, this looks more like lumpy oatmeal than it does a body by jake.
Dr.
Hamoui, could you come here and help out sean and christian,please? Hey, you guys got a patient of your own.
That's awesome.
How may I be ofservice? Could you please just lift up your shirt and show them what the end result is supposed to look like? - Oh.
- Thank you.
It was in that moment that sean and christian realized they had lost the greatest luxury of them all, something more important to them than money-- their youth.
Give me a 20 blade.
What for? I want to cut liz's tongue out.
Ok.
Here it is-- aunt dottie's famous garbage salad.
I hope aunt dottie's garbage didn't include coffee grounds and sour milk.
No.
Garbage salad is whateveris still good in your fridge plus fresh lettuce, hard-boiled egg, and a special lemonade dressing.
Mm, this is really good.
I'm not kidding.
It's as good as a $50 lobster in my book.
I don't know what I was thinking, all my obsessing on expensive resorts and honeymoon suites.
I would rather be here eating garbage salad with you on your balcony than anything else.
You know, I was thinking about christian, his little legal nightmare with liz, and I don't mean to get ahead of anything but I want you to know I would sign a prenup.
I don't want your money.
I just want you.
Well, I would never ask that of you.
Hey, we're in this for love, you and me.
Christian and liz had some unusual issues going into their marriage.
Could you see us spending our lives together? I could.
Sean mcnamara, will you marry me? Yes.
I will.
While some more optimistic analysts predict that the downturn is finally ending, this financial voice of authority believes it will be a long time before americans can sleep soundly again.
Dr.
Mcnamara, I know what i want for breakfast.
Sean? Sean? Sean? Sean, wake up, sean.
Ok.
Christian! Christian! Christian, get up! Christian!
- Give me a ball park.
- 6 months.
- My best friend just told met hat he's - Dying? - I actually have to say the word.
- It feels like I'm losingeverything.
I want you to come home withme,lizzie.
I want you to marry me.
I now pronounce you husbandand wife.
Our lab tech switched yourI.
D.
Numbers.
Your cancer is inremission.
I wish you and yourbride a long,happy lifetogether.
In 1987,after the infamousblack monday crash, a newfinancial golden age was born, and along with it,a newindustry, the luxury industry.
New found wealth coupled witheasily available credit opened the door to vanities andexcesses once reserved for therich and famous.
Since that time,the one luxury business that has always seen annual growth has been plastic surgery.
Doctors sean mcnamara andchristian troy rode this wave offinancial proficiency.
Theysuckled unabashed from the teatof a flush society willing tospend millions on the newmust-have statussymbols-- incompliant thighs andtitanic tits.
When you're done with herlipo,you can start on her rightbreast.
Do you realize we're gonnaclear a quarter of a millionbucks on this patient alone? Haha ha! But as in every fairy tale,there was a costly lesson to belearned.
The credit crunch hit.
Sean and christian were notimmune to the downturn.
Beauty is symmetry,mrs.
Praline.
We're happy to do yourtummy tuck,but sts.
you're not gonnabe bikini ready until you let usaugment your brea We prefer to do more than onesurgery at a time.
That way youonly go under anesthesia once, and your recovery time isconsiderably faster.
I told you,I've only gotenough left in my home equityline of credit to get a tummytuck.
For sean mcnamara,a manwound tighter than ahummingbird's asshole, thefinancial stress wasoverwhelming.
He began fighting incessantlywith his ex-wife julia,.
who nowresided in new york with theirtwo children French lessons and karate? Julia,you're overschedulingthem.
Well,then you're gonnahave to start paying for it.
Sean's troubles were furtherexacerbated by his newgirlfriend,teddy rowe, whoseemed immune to the financialanxiety gripping the nation.
Can you imagine? She had grown accustomed toher beau's largesse and wasn'tgoing to resort to trumperywhen it came to celebratingtheir 6-month anniversary.
I love them.
And how much are these? Sean's anxiety ate at himlike vultures on fresh carrion.
He developed a seeminglyincurable case of insomnia.
Freed from his death sentence, christian celebrated byproviding the merchants of rodeodrive with his own economicstimulus package.
Hot shit rock and roll.
Congrats,doctor.
She's abeauty Remember,jack,spending isoptimism.
Sean and christian weren'tthe only ones struggling.
Justhome from their honeymoon, christian revealed to dr.
Lizcruz that he wasn't dying ofbreast cancer and no longerwished to remain married.
I took care of your first andlast at your new apartment.
Thesecurity deposit,too.
If you want,we can go furnitureshopping on the weekend.
- Just let me do this alone,ok? - Come on,liz.
- We're stillfriends.
- We're not friends.
I'm yourwife.
Why didn't you tell me youweren't dying when we were away? Why did you go let me make afool of myself? I just wanted you to have agood time.
I'm just trying to bepractical.
We'd be a perfectmatch for 6 months,but 60years? I mean,I'd be cheatingon you within a week.
I just don't want to hurt youany more than I already have.
What do you want me to do? - Thank you for breaking my heart? - No.
I just want you tounderstand that this isn't easyfor me,either.
I love you,andI'll never forget how you tookcare of me.
And this is how you repay me,huh? Former porn millionairekimber henry found herself tossed out of ram peter's silk-sheeted bed with nothingbut the realization that there'snothing less marketable than anold whore.
Once again,she triedto reinvent herself.
So you do electrolysis now? Well,I went to night schoolto get certified.
Well,hear me out.
Just say somelady sasquatch comes in for somelipo,ok? You smooth her out,you make her thighs likeporcelain,but she's got some hairs back there,and that's no good.
That's whereI come in.
Ok.
Look at this.
It doesn'teven hurt.
And figure this isa great way for you to promoteyour business.
You're gonna havean on-site esthetician,and iknow what it takes to becamera-ready.
Kimber,it's a great idea, but business is too slow rightnow to take on any new expenses.
We can't afford you.
This was rock bottom.
Mcnamara/troy,once thetiffany's of the plastic surgeryworld, was now like a malodorouswhale carcass washed up on zumabeach.
The clients were gone.
With them went the money,andwith that went the joy.
What is this? It's generic.
We need to cutback everywhere.
- That's bullshit.
- Christian,you're not gettingit.
We are in trouble.
I want my goddamn yoplait! I just finished payingoff last semester's tuition, forwhich you received no creditsbecause you never took yourfinals,ok? I have here your carregistration renewal.
You have9 unpaid parking tickets, andthe credit card I gave you foremergencies has several luxurycharges on it.
- Well,I can explain those charges.
- Matt,listen to me.
You need to pay back some of those debts.
It's ridiculous.
You got $450 for some men's store called emmanuel delacroix.
It's not a men's store.
Emmanuel delacroix is the number-one mime in the world, and he's here doing aonce-in-a-lifetime master class.
What? Yeah.
My acting teacherturned me on to him.
Look youknow how they say when you findyour bliss is when the moneystarts rolling in? I think I'vefound it.
Mime is so amazing,man.
It takes us beyond ourpetty egos,beyond language,andunifies us.
It's a great art form,ok? The pure universal language of gesture.
Is this a joke? Listen,boxcar willie.
We can rent your room,ok?So you either kick in, or you're out by the 1st,ok? So get off yourunicycle or whatever the hell it is that mimes drive these daysand get a goddamn real job.
You know,it's a waste oftime trying to share anythingwith you two.
Hello.
Mm-hmm.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Thank you very much.
- What was that? - That's liz's attorney.
She'ssuing me for divorce.
I just never expected thisfrom her.
She's not greedy,youknow? Possessive,maybe.
Stubborn,sloppy.
Christian,remember,thetrick is not to get emotional.
It's our job to make a rationalappeal to her better nature,and--holy shit! - Holy shit what? - She hired roger payne.
With a"y," but the meaning is thesame.
How bad could it be?Theguy's blind.
So is justice.
Look,this is ridiculous.
Imean,come on,liz.
We can letthe lawyers argue about this,or we can settle this asfriends.
What do you say? I never meant to hurt you.
I--ithink that you should becompensated for everything thatI put you through.
Here.
I hope this is enough.
Hmm.
$250,000.
Should coveryour legal fees,mrs.
Troy.
Mrs.
Troy?We were married 5minutes.
Yes,well,in the course ofthose 5 minutes,mrs.
Troy gaveup her residence and half of herincome.
- I thought I was dying.
- Is that why you puteverything in her name? You what? I was taking care of wilbur,you know?I was trying to beresponsible.
Well,I'm sure you want tocontinue to be responsible bysettling with mrs.
Troy 50% ofall personal property and halfof your interest inmcnamara/troy.
What the hell are yousmoking? She can't do that.
Canshe do that? Is it in her name? OH,I get it.
I get it.
Thisisn't a negotiation; this is agang rape.
- Welcome to california.
- Jesus,liz,I can't believeyou'd stoop this low.
- You'refired.
- Ah.
Afraid not,dr.
Troy.
Youcan't fire her until the case issettled.
It's the law.
Come on,lizzie.
Saysomething.
You should have gotten aprenup.
It's cheaper not to fight.
Ijust think you're in denial ifyou assume it's not gonna costyou.
There's nothing wrong withbeing in denial,my friend.
Ourwhole careers were built on it.
And let's just forget aboutthat crap,ok? We just got torelax,drink some beer,andenjoy the water for the day,allright? Uh,what's all this? What? - They seized my boat.
- You're kidding.
What for? You know,I missed a fewpayments here and there,but-- jesus.
They're saying they'llauction it off if I don't paythe balance by the end of themonth.
I mean-- - You better sell it.
- I can't sell it.
This is theonly thing that isn't in liz'sname.
jesus! I mighthave to live here if she getsthe house.
I'll just take some money out ofthe business,you know?Just tocover me for now.
If you borrow more,you loseyour credit rating,and thenyou're really worth nothing.
Then I'll get some money fromyou,all right? Just front me 6months for the rent on themalibu house.
Uh, you know,now might be agood time to give you notice.
I'm moving out.
Things have beengood with teddy,and we'retalking about getting a place.
What? Christian? Dr.
Mike hamoui was the miamiplastic surgeon that christianhad not seen since theirhomoerotic shower encounter twoyears ago.
Hey,I heard you guys wereout here now,too! Mike,remember my partnersean mcnamara? Yeah,yeah,of course iremember.
You know,I was just going totake the "reverie" out for aspin.
You guys want to join me? HEY - nice boat, -Thanks.
You guys want to get some grub? - Yeah,sure.
-Yeah.
Yeah,I can go about 2,000miles without having to stop inthis bad boy right here.
Mostboats,you know,go as far as,like,cabo.
We went to acapulcolast year with the girls.
It wasa great trip.
How many feet is it? About 102.
Yeah,I was thinking about getting one this big,but,uh, they're a bitch to park.
True,that.
Gives the girls,though,plenty of room to spreadout.
Sienna,honey,you're frying yourself again.
Go put onthe sunscreen that I gave you,huh?Thank you.
So,mike,you have your ownpractice out here now? Yeah! After I soldchristian's condo and made ahuge profit,I decided to travelaround,become a pod surgeon.
Iwork for myself now,dosurgeries.
Just don't keep anoffice.
Man,do I love L.
A.
I don't get it.
A podsurgeon? Yeah.
I find a practice and ipay 10% of my profits to usetheir surgery suites.
There's nostrings attached,I have nooverheadIt's a win/win foreveryone.
.
Thank you,honey.
Only seconds passed beforesean and christian proposed asimilar deal to mike.
Bringinghim into their business as a podsurgeon would help ensure boththeir financial futures.
- I think it's really - Mike was happy to accept.
I know Every year there's anew high-tech trend in exercise,but nothing can compare to thekettle bells.
They originated inrussia in 1704.
Obviously thekettle bells are not a trend.
The beauty of the kettle bell isthat it's a combination ofstrength and cardiac Um,we're short a small reef retractor.
I gave mine back to linda.
Where's yours? I gave it to linda.
You have any idea what the hell this is? A,uh,small reef retractor.
Oh,nice,sean.
Oh,god.
I'm sorry.
- I haven'tbeen sleeping well.
- You know what? I'm under alot of stress,too,right? Butyou don't see me opening us upto a malpractice suit that couldbury us.
Hey.
What's going on with you? Don'tsay nothing.
Meticulous seanmcnamara does not screw up atummy tuck.
I haven't been able to sleep.
I'm thinking about my kids alot.
It's conor's birthday.
He'sthere,I'm here,and it sucks,but I don't want to burden youwith all this.
Hey,nothing about your lifeis a burden to me,all right? Ilove you.
Oh your sleeping pills.
I'msurprised you have not written ascrip for yourself.
I don't want to do that.
Pills scare me.
I don't eventake advil,especially after iwas rushed to the hospital a fewyears ago.
Ecstasy.
Yeah.
I knewyou'd like that.
You know,there's a beautifulresort.
It's been renovated.
It's up in ojai.
We could goaway for the weekend.
It's onlyan hour away.
What happened to the girl who didn't give a shit about all these conventional bourgeois trappings,huh? Now it's all about weekends away,his and her massages.
Hey,I'm just trying to finda way to make you feel better.
If you're not interested inthat,just forget I saidanything.
Anything.
sorry,but dr.
Hamoui isbooked solid for the next twoweeks.
His next availableappointment is on the 15th.
Mike,where's the couch? Don't worry,fellas.
It's allsafely in storage, and thisstuff won't cost you a penny.
Feel free to use it as much asyou like.
I figured you wouldn't grab that doughnut with these machines staring at you.
You know what? We don't need anybody telling us how to take care of ourselves.
That's not why we brought you in here.
I'm sorry.
I'll have the equipment gone by the end of theday.
No,the equipment can stay,mike.
What we want to talk about is the 20 patients out in thelobby.
- That was fast,right? - What did you do? It's all about creating aniche market and then selling yourself.
Business 101,fellas.
Do you mind if we sit in on one of your consults? Yeah.
Will they be assisting in the surgery? Absolutely not.
They'reexcellent surgeons, but I'm the only doctor who lays a hand on any of my patients.
They're just here to consult.
Good.
My friend lindsey thompson-- she said you're the best.
She said her vaginal rejuvenation saved her marriage.
I remember lindsey.
How many kids do you have? My youngest,derek-- he was a very hard birth.
I needed two episiotomies, and,well, things haven't been the same down there since.
There are thousands of women just like you out there.
It's exactly why I've stream lined my practice.
One procedure done right-- vaginal reconstruction.
It's brilliant.
Do you realize, most vaginal reconstructions take less than 20 minutes to perform? And they cost 15 grand a pop.
No wonder he's raking it in.
We can do this, christian.
We're better surgeons than he is.
How often do you and your husband have sex, mrs.
Brett? I understand, but you don't have to be ashamed.
I know this is unorthodox, but i want you to feel comfortable with me.
I have nothing to hide, - and neither should you.
- Lindsey said you might dothis.
He's selling sex.
We can do that.
Damn straight.
I was in "playgirl.
"okay Oh, it all sounds so good,but our insurance won't cover the procedure.
You think you don't deserve this.
I'm sorry, but I got to call bullshit on that one.
You just need to find a way to reclaim your sexuality.
Is there a better way than to make the tool with which you express that sexuality look and feel the way it did when you were in your 20s? I want you to know, this isn't just another surgery to me, and I'm not some high-school kid who thinks that every vagina is the same.
Yours is different.
It'S special, and I'm gonna get to know it inside and out.
When's you next appointment? We can't just start stealing hamoui's clients.
We need his 10% to keep the electricity on.
So, we'll come to him with aplan, include him in on it.
Well, we're the experts.
He'll look like a novice next to us.
I'm telling you, there are hundreds of thousands of women who need this.
That's a lot of untapped vagina.
How you planning on reaching them, crazy sean's cross-country gyno tour? No.
Better.
We need to call kimber first.
Christian, wake up.
Hey, hey,wake up.
Jesus, it's 2:00 in themorning.
Just because you can't sleep, doesn't mean I shouldn'T.
It's on right now.
Come on.
Get up.
Los angeles--land of the beautiful people, where dreams always come true and fantasy is reality, where you're as young as you feel when your partner is inside of you.
Hi,I'm dr.
McNamara of McNamara/Troy plastic surgery.
These days, there are so many options for male sexual gratification, but fewer choices for our fairer sex.
I'd like to tell you about a new technique we've developed called the vaginal uplift.
According to masters and johnson, sexual satisfaction is due to the amount of frictional forces generated during intercourse.
sweetie.
This simple out patient procedure restores the architectural integrity of the vagina.
It takes under an hour, andin just days, both you and your partner will be enjoying a whole new level of sexual satisfaction.
Hi.
I'm kimber henry,actress.
Some of you may remember me from my work as an adult film star.
After I retired, I gave birth to my babygirl.
I was having trouble reaching orgasm.
That's when I decided to go see the doctors at McNamara/Troy.
Tell us what you don't like about your vagina.
They were respectful,relaxed, and informative.
They asked me to tell them exactly what I was hoping for and how I wanted to look and feel.
Mm, and the exam was gentle and discreet.
If you call and book your consult in the next half-hour, we are offering a 6-installment fee, payable over the next year.
But don't take it from us.
Listen to some of our satisfied customers.
I felt a lot of shame when my significant other told me that my vagina reminded him of a roast beef sandwich, but sincemy vaginal uplift, I feel more attractive and more confident, and the bonus is no pesky incontinence when I swing that golf club.
I feel like a 20-year-old on the green again.
You guys are great.
Yes! Yeah.
That's the way to go.
- Right? - Yes! It's a winner.
Well done.
Ok.
Did you brush your teeth? Did you get all that nasty cotton candy out of your mouth,huh? Let's see.
Oh, my goodness,have you ever seen cleaner teeth in your whole life? No.
Nighty-night, sweetie.
Can we go to the zoo nextweek? Of course you can.
Auntlizzie is your buddy, right? Right.
Right.
I love you, auntie liz.
I love you, sweetheart.
Ok.
You go to sleep.
Love you.
You sure you have to leave sosoon? I made your favorite--mushroom risotto.
- I thought maybe you could-- - I lied about liking your risotto.
It tastes like gruel.
Oh, well, maybe you could stay for a drink.
Oh, come on, lizzie.
It's us.
Don't you dare use that word.
Why? There's always gonna bean us.
If there's one thing I've learned about life, it's that it's fragile.
Relationships like ours are rare, weird but rare.
I don't want to lose you.
Neither does wilbur.
Come on.
Let's take the boxing gloves off just for a minute for his sake.
I got a 1995 chateau mandeville.
Is it expensive? This is a $400 bottle of wine, sweet thing.
Well, then I'll take half of it.
Oh.
That's what I've always loved about you.
Is it? Is that what you loved about me, my sense of humor? Because it's been a long time since I laughed about anything.
You've pretty much wrung all the joy out of me.
Tell me what I can do to make it up to you.
You're gonna make it up to me, all right.
That's why i hired roger.
I'm not talking about money.
That lawyer you hired, he's scum.
You really think that cleaning me out is gonna make you feel any better? Yes.
I do, and you know why? Because you can't keep treating people like toilet paper.
You can't keep wiping your ass with them and flushing them like they're disposable.
I used to have such scorn for those women who fell all over you.
I thought they were all empty-headed bimbos, the way they'd cry over you, but, you know, I see them differently now because I became one of them, and I am gonna stand up on behalf of all of us because I am not gonna let it be so easy for you.
I am not gonna allow you to break my heart and - then not suffer the consequences.
- Oh, stop being such a drama queen.
I mean, serious, your heart is gonna be fine.
Your dance card is gonna be twice as full now you've discovered the joys of dick.
I mean, let's face it.
- Face what? - Face the fact that yours truly here, ok, I found your g-spot.
What the hell are you doing with it? I'm wasting your money,christian.
And to think I was such an idiot that I felt bad coming over here, wringing you dry.
Lizzie, come on.
Just calm down.
You know what'll calm me down? A boat, yours.
Don't you even think about it.
Oh, you can kiss that good-bye, and when you're sitting here and you're cutting out your little coupons, I want you to think of me partying on my hot, floating dyke bar-- the lesboat.
Once we saw your infomercial on tv, we had to come in.
Yeah.
Mrs.
Hoberman, tell me what you don't like about your vagina.
Her vagina is fine.
It's better than that.
We'rehere for don.
Yeah.
I want one of those 6-pack surgeries.
Well, the surgical term is abdominal etching, but-- Our infomercial was about vaginal rejuvenation.
No.
I know, but you know the scene where you're playing volleyball with the other guy,dr.
Hamoui? yeah.
Well, seeing you two with your shirts off next to him made me realize how much I let myself go.
What? I'm changing locks by tomorrow, right? You either pay your share of the rent by sundown, or you can sleep on the beach with all the other freaks.
What can I get you? Small or large, marcel? It's $1.
08.
You need 8 more cents.
No money, no coffee.
This ain'ta charity.
You can't pay, gosomeplace else.
Leave before icall a cop.
Let go, you freak.
Now you're gonna pay for that.
Ok, ok.
You can have your dollarback, ok? Ok, ok.
Ok.
Here.
Dr.
Troy, you do realize that your being here places me inviolation of the legal code of professional responsibility.
You recognize my cologne.
Just give me 5 minutes of your time, and if you don't like my proposition, you never saw me.
all right.
You have 5 minutes.
I'll give you 250 grand now and another 250 if you convince liz cruz to drop the case.
Dr.
Troy, this is a breach of ethics.
It is against everything that I stand for.
Besides, it would take more than a tawdry bribe to get me to jeopardize a lifetime of legal practice.
How much, then? Take off your pants.
Excuse me? My secretary tells me you're an adonis.
I'd like to know what an adonis sounds like when he jerks off.
I'm sorry.
What? Masturbate.
Pleasure yourself in front of me, describing to me exactly what you're doing stroke by stroke.
Once you bring yourself to climax, I will accept your offer, and I wil lconvince mrs.
Troy that we cannot win the case.
Gee, what about your ethics code? I don't think that this is covered in the aba handbook.
Besides, I can always claim that I never saw you.
So, you're a pervert.
Dr.
Troy, your proposition requires that I compromise myself on your behalf.
This is simply quid pro quo.
- Your 5 minutes are up.
- Wait, wait, wait.
No, no.
Wait.
Just, uh ok.
there.
Pants are off.
Lair.
Don't worry.
No one can see through the windows.
Whatever.
That's better.
Touch your dick, dr.
Troy, and describe it to me.
Feels great.
It's very hard.
We're not in a courtroom now,dr.
Troy.
I want more than just the facts.
Paint me a picture,how your hand feels as you touch it.
Take off your briefs.
Let yourself breathe.
This is ridiculous.
I'll see you in court.
Good luck.
You know, I did lose a case once Yeah.
But unlike you, I wasn't able to make him take his pants off.
That's when I knew he had me.
Let's look at the brightside, partner.
At least mr.
Hoberman's 6-pack will bring in some income.
And maybe christian can take his share and get a gym membership.
You got to do something about that gut there,tubby.
Liz, that's enough.
I know, and isn't it great? Because I can say whatever i want to, and he can't fire me.
You know, sean, I'm thinking we're done with hoberman here.
We should turn our fat-sucking wand onto liz's huge ass.
All right.
Enough! Has it occurred to either of you the effect you're having on switzerland here? I stay up late nights trying to figure out a way to help you two make amends.
Deal with your hurt feelings and grow up.
I'm sick of this shit.
Ok.
I am so sorry, sean, but from a medical viewpoint, this looks more like lumpy oatmeal than it does a body by jake.
Dr.
Hamoui, could you come here and help out sean and christian,please? Hey, you guys got a patient of your own.
That's awesome.
How may I be ofservice? Could you please just lift up your shirt and show them what the end result is supposed to look like? - Oh.
- Thank you.
It was in that moment that sean and christian realized they had lost the greatest luxury of them all, something more important to them than money-- their youth.
Give me a 20 blade.
What for? I want to cut liz's tongue out.
Ok.
Here it is-- aunt dottie's famous garbage salad.
I hope aunt dottie's garbage didn't include coffee grounds and sour milk.
No.
Garbage salad is whateveris still good in your fridge plus fresh lettuce, hard-boiled egg, and a special lemonade dressing.
Mm, this is really good.
I'm not kidding.
It's as good as a $50 lobster in my book.
I don't know what I was thinking, all my obsessing on expensive resorts and honeymoon suites.
I would rather be here eating garbage salad with you on your balcony than anything else.
You know, I was thinking about christian, his little legal nightmare with liz, and I don't mean to get ahead of anything but I want you to know I would sign a prenup.
I don't want your money.
I just want you.
Well, I would never ask that of you.
Hey, we're in this for love, you and me.
Christian and liz had some unusual issues going into their marriage.
Could you see us spending our lives together? I could.
Sean mcnamara, will you marry me? Yes.
I will.
While some more optimistic analysts predict that the downturn is finally ending, this financial voice of authority believes it will be a long time before americans can sleep soundly again.
Dr.
Mcnamara, I know what i want for breakfast.
Sean? Sean? Sean? Sean, wake up, sean.
Ok.
Christian! Christian! Christian, get up! Christian!