Not Going Out (2006) s06e01 Episode Script
Rabbit
You heard from Tim recently? Yeah, his work placement's going really well.
He thinks he might not be back for a couple of months.
I can't imagine Tim in Germany.
With his blonde hair and ultra-conservative views.
He'd be better off in Actually, no, Germany's about right, innit? You got a date? I wish.
It's dinner with a potential client.
Where are you going? The client's house.
They want to get to know me informally, out of work.
Well, bring them here.
I'm very informal.
And out of work.
Why do you never bring your clients round here for dinner? I don't bite.
Exactly.
You just sort of mash the food around in your mouth like a cow.
This client's far too important to risk meeting you.
None taken.
The conversation would go over your head anyway.
Some taken.
Where's that spare change I left on the table? All taken.
You're really nervous, aren't you? This is a big deal, Lee.
I really need this contract.
You'll be fine.
And if all else fails, you've always got my gag about showing him the elephant with the white ears.
Oh, no, that doesn't really work if you're a Bye! Well, thanks for coming round, Lucy.
That's OK, Paul.
It was a pleasure.
Look, I'm really sorry I told that tasteless joke in front of your little daughter, I don't know what I was thinking.
It's fine.
I mean, to be honest, I didn't even get it.
I mean I got the "my dog's got no nose" bit, but you lost me with the pockets for ears? Sorry.
All the other pitches have been far too formal.
It's nice to have someone with a sense of humour finally.
I'm going to courier over those contracts tomorrow.
And if everything's in order, I think we can green light this.
I like green lights.
Better than red ones.
Unless you're a prostitute, which I'm not.
Safe journey home.
Oh, and make sure to close the gate on your way out.
Button has a habit of trying to escape.
I thought your wife was called Karen.
Ha.
Boo! Get off! No, Button is my daughter's rabbit.
It's got a little pink button nose.
If he's got white ears I could do an impression of him.
You know, the pink nose is Too much.
See you.
You beauty! Well done, Lucy Adams! That was excellent! You would have to do something pretty drastic to screw this up now.
Yes, that would be something.
Hello? I've just killed a rabbit.
Whoa, whoa, slow down.
First, tell me what you're wearing.
I've just killed my new client's pet rabbit.
With the car.
What, you ran it over? No, Lee, I locked it inside and connected the hose pipe from the exhaust! Yes, I ran it over! So why are you telling me? Because I need help.
I don't know what I should do next.
I don't know - what other pets has he got? I think I'm about to have a panic attack.
'Look, just calm down.
' First things first, are you sure it's dead? Well, it's very still.
It looks like someone's paused Watership Down.
Actually .
.
it is slightly twitching.
'You've got to make sure it's not suffering.
' Oh, God! You're going to have to whack it with something really heavy.
I've got a torch.
Well, there you go.
Hopefully it's got Duracell batteries inside.
Why? It's what the bunny would have wanted.
I'm a murderer! Nice to meet you.
I'm a victim.
Come in.
Look, you did the right thing.
I don't mean mowing down a defenceless animal with your car, obviously, that wasn't the right thing.
That was the wrong thing.
But smashing its head in to make sure it was dead, that was the right thing.
I think.
Isn't there someone stood on a window ledge you should be talking to? Oh, my God.
It's him! The rabbit?! The client.
He must have worked out what happened.
Well, didn't you go back and tell him? No.
I just drove off.
You didn't say tell him! I didn't say do a hit-and-run either.
I didn't do a hit-and-run.
I stopped.
All right, a stop-and-bop.
You should have told him, Lucy.
Look, just answer it and be calm.
Hi, Paul! Yes, I got home fine, thanks.
Um No, I didn't see anything.
Oh, that's a shame.
Yeah.
OK, then, bye.
How was that? Well, he might not have you down as a rabbit killer, but he might think you're a helium addict.
He asked if I saw his rabbit on the way out.
He didn't accuse me of anything.
Good.
No, it's not good, is it? I'm not just a killer, now I'm a liar.
You're not a liar.
You didn't see his rabbit on the way out.
That's why you drove over its head.
Look, just forget about it, he'll think it's just gone missing, he won't know it's dead and buried.
It's not buried.
Well, how did you get rid of it? I didn't.
It's in the boot of my car.
Are you planning on making a stew? Why did you put it in your boot? Well, it would have looked conspicuous sat next to me, plus I didn't have a booster seat.
I mean, why did you bring it home? Well I couldn't get rid of it.
It was too dark.
Yeah, and we all know the best time to get rid of a corpse is in broad daylight.
Let's wait till the morning, we'll go down to the Westgate Centre and nail it to the wall of the bathroom department in Debenhams.
Oh, my God, it's the police! What kind of policemen are dealing with dead rabbits? Cagney and Flopsy? Actually Starsky and Hutch would have been funnier.
You're right, not now.
I've been to a netball tournament.
Catch! At least we know what the C stands for.
Crap.
Rude.
Could have been ruder.
All right, I said I'm sorry.
It's not like I killed anyone.
Daisy knows! She can see it.
It's all over my face, isn't it? What? Are you telling me you ate it now? What's happened? I hit a rabbit.
Why, what did it do to you? In my car.
What was it doing in your car? It wasn't in my car, I was.
And then I hit it and then I got out and hit it again, with a torch, and now it is in my car.
Dead.
Wow, this must have been a really naughty rabbit.
She accidentally ran over a rabbit and now it's in her boot.
Oh.
She's worried that the owner will trace it back here.
Oh, yes.
Yes.
The rabbit might have been chipped.
It wasn't chipped, it was mashed.
Oh, my God, I hadn't thought of that.
Oh, this is awful, I'm just going to have to go back to Paul and tell him the truth.
He'll cancel the contract, but I haven't got any choice.
Unless someone else did it for me.
What do you mean? Someone else could take the blame.
Say that Button had somehow sneaked out of the garden, and they accidentally ran over it.
But who would confess to killing a rabbit? A Catholic fox? No chance.
Oh, please, Lee.
It would be the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.
Look at me - I'm desperate, I don't know what else to do, Lee.
Oh, not the tears! First you kill a rabbit and now this, you heartless bitch.
Oh, Daisy, can you get the rabbit out of the boot? I can't look.
Well, you don't need to look.
You could do it by feel.
It'll be the furry, wet, squishy thing.
Oh, thank you so much, Lee! If you ever want me to take the blame for anything you did, just ask.
It's funny you should say that.
I think you should know that earlier this evening, you accidentally dropped your new iPad in the bath.
Did I? Well that was pretty stupid of me, wasn't it? I can't believe I was even having a bath.
It's not even my birthday.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
You were only holding it in one hand.
Why, what was I doing with the other? Oh, yeah.
I don't think I've been properly following all of this, have I? Don't worry about it Daisy, it's all sorted.
Yes, I know, but if Lee's taken your client's dead rabbit back to his house Yes? Then whose is this dead rabbit jammed under your wheel arch? Oh, my God.
That must be the rabbit I hit.
THAT'S Button.
I thought that other one was a bit wild-looking.
So would you be if you'd just been clubbed to death with a torch.
Oh, no The wild one must have just been asleep.
You know that phrase - "like a rabbit in the headlights"? See, I've always wondered what that would look like.
I assumed it would look like that, what you're doing.
When actually it's more like that.
Kind of I killed an innocent rabbit.
No, you haven't.
You've killed TWO innocent rabbits.
Still, you did the right thing.
How? Well, now there are no witnesses, are there? God, we've got to find Lee before he hands over the wrong corpse.
We'll have to drive after him.
OK.
Keys! I'm much better in defence.
Anyone order a take away? Sorry.
I'm like this when I'm nervous.
Can I help you with something? Yeah.
I've got something to tell you.
About your rabbit.
Oh, right.
Our rabbit's disappeared, actually.
Well.
Not for much longer.
Ta-da! I will now make the rabbit re-appear.
"You're going to like this.
Not a lot".
The thing is, a few hours ago I was doing a three-point turn in your driveway.
And I killed your rabbit.
I see.
Sorry.
It was a complete accident.
There was no drink involved.
Certainly not on my part - I don't know about the rabbit.
It certainly smelled of hops.
It's the nerves again.
I'm rabbitingrambling! So, you killed my rabbit? Yeah.
And you took the body away with you for three hours? I took it to A&E.
They can't treat animals at hospitals.
I wouldn't let Rolf Harris hear you say that.
Well, I suppose I've got to appreciate your honesty.
I don't suppose there's a? What? Well, it's just that when me dad used to go missing, I'd go out and find him, me mum would give me a little reward.
A tenner, or something.
Yeah, but you didn't return your dad home dead, did you? That's true.
I wish I had, me mum would have given me 20.
Anyway, I'm sorry Hey! Hey, what's this? It's your rabbit.
This isn't my rabbit.
This is a wild thing.
How do you know? Is it making your heart sing? What's going on? Nothing.
I killed a rabbit, and assumed it was yours.
Why? Because it was very close to your house and it looks like the kind of rabbit that would be called "Button".
Which I appreciate you never actually told me was your daughter's rabbit's name.
Or that you had a daughter.
Right.
What's your name? Warren.
Warren? Yeah.
Surname? Burrows.
What's your address? Number oneRabbit Road.
That's a made-up address.
All right, number two.
Something's going on here.
What have you done with Button? Nothing.
Tell me the truth, now.
Oh, fine! I admit it.
I'm a notorious rabbit killer, who goes from hutch to hutch, strangling rabbits and cutting off their ears and Hello.
Who are you? Father Christmas.
No, he's not.
All right, the Easter No.
Sophie, you go back to bed, and we'll look for Button in the morning.
Oi! Well, that went well! Lee? I'm sleeping! I'm only sleeping! Please don't beat me to death! It was an honest mistake.
Yeah.
We've all done it.
Only last week I drove over one of those sleeping policeman, so I got out and murdered a Deputy Chief Constable.
Anyway, thanks.
He now thinks an unhinged lunatic did something to his rabbit, so I'm in the clear.
In fact, here's your reward.
What's this? The other dead rabbit.
Yeah.
Very funny.
Seriously, what is? It's a dead rabbit! Christ's sake! What's the matter with you, bringing these things home? You're like a badly-trained house cat! Well, that's Button, the rabbit I hit.
It was too late to bury it last night, so I was hoping you'd sort it out for me this morning.
Yeah, sure, no problems.
And when you've come back from the Bugs Bunny convention with your machete, phone me.
I will sort out the mess.
Oh good, that'll be the courier with those contracts.
Paul! Hiya, Lucy.
Sorry to barge in on you like this.
My courier let me down at the last moment, so I thought I'd bring these over in person.
Oh, right, thanks.
Oh, God! You, um, haven't met my flatmate, Lee, have you? No, I don't think so.
No.
No, we've never, never met.
Why has he got a pillowcase on his head? That is because he's in an amateur dramatics production of The Elephant Man.
I'm helping him with his lines.
I am not an animal! I am a man! Well, I won't keep you, I just wanted to ask you about Button again.
Oh, yes - did she turn up? Not yet, no.
Oh, that's a shame.
I don't suppose she's microchipped, is she? Nobody microchips rabbits.
Oh, thank God! For making me this way, dear Lord.
For if you had not, then I I'm going to be sick.
It's all very strange.
I mean, shortly after we spoke, a man called Warren Burrows came to my door.
He had a dead wild rabbit with him.
I mean, you didn't see anyone after you left, did you? He was an extremely shifty, odd-looking bloke.
Why does no-body treat me like a human being? No, I didn't see anything.
Ah, it's just that the woman across the road said she saw a shadowy figure on my driveway beating something with a torch.
She was probably mistaken, it was very dark.
Well, it would have been, but the torch was switched on.
Switched on?! Yes, it does seem quite stupid.
Yeah, stupid! Very stupid! I was thinking of going to the police.
Huh? You don't mind if I give them your details, do you? In case they want to ask you if you saw anyone as you were leaving.
Well, of course you can.
But I think you're being too hasty.
When I was little, my rabbit was always running off and coming back by itself.
Really? Yeah, he's probably in your garden somewhere, right under your nose.
Oh, imagine that! It's probably just lonely.
Ours was.
In the end we got it a guinea pig to keep it company and it never escaped again.
Well, maybe you're right, I'll wait a couple of days and see if she comes back.
I'll leave you to your rehearsals.
Nice to meet you Elephant Man.
You've all been most kind.
Oh, God, I feel ill.
YOU feel ill! My throat tastes like Roger Rabbit's jock strap.
Why the hell did you leave the bloody torch switched on? Oh, sorry, I screwed up.
If only I was as quick-witted as my good friend, Warren Burrows.
At least I put Paul off from going to the police.
For a day or two.
He'll still phone them when Button doesn't come home.
Button will come home.
How? By Sellotaping the salvageable bits to a very small method actor? No.
By buying a replacement.
One that looks exactly like Button.
BEFORE I hit it.
Any luck? No.
Well, there's one shop left on the list.
If we can't find a match in there, we're just going to have buy any and dip it paint.
Spoken like a true animal lover.
You can talk, Elmer Fudd.
"Oh, I'm gonna bash your bwains out "and put you in the twunk of my car, you wascallly wabbit.
" Hello.
I'd like to see to the manager, please.
Can you say "Rabbit murderer! Rabbit murderer!?" What about this one? Perhaps your client would prefer a rubber one - they bounce off cars more easily.
Just start looking.
Excuse me, mate.
I'm looking for a rabbit.
But it has to be a specific kind.
Needs to be about that big, black with a sort of white mark round it's neck, white feet up to about Look, just like that.
Well? I don't work here.
There.
Look, it's exactly like Button.
Black and white, white toes, everything.
It's perfect.
Excuse me.
Um, we want that black and white rabbit, please.
Sorry, love.
That one's not for sale.
Not for sale? What are you, a zoo? I'm keeping that one back for breeding.
That's disgusting.
People like you shouldn't be allowed near animals.
I'm joking.
It's people like her that shouldn't be allowed near animals.
Look, I'll pay double.
Sorry, love.
But we need it! My daughter's grandaddy has just died.
She's really upset.
And she saw that rabbit earlier and fell in love with it.
Don't cry.
OK, fine.
Fine.
You can have the rabbit.
Thank you so much.
I'll go and get a box.
What was that? Just something I do to manipulate hopelessly weak men.
It's how you got me to take the rabbit back to your client's house in the first place.
Was it? I'm sorry, OK.
But I was desperate.
I really needed that contract and I didn't know what else to do, I just thought Well, don't do it again! Sorry.
Oh, God! We need to get out of here.
See that, if you ever want to escape, it's that easy.
What about this one, Daddy? Excuse me, I'm thinking of buying a guinea pig for my daughter.
Her rabbit's gone missing, and I understand they're pretty good company for when it - hopefully - returns.
I ought to warn you, that one's a bit of a biter.
But I love him, Daddy.
Can I have him? Please? Well, if it isn't Warren Burrows.
Oh, hello.
What are you doing here? I have to get a present for a mate's dog.
Try before you buy.
You wouldn't be trying to buy a real rabbit by any chance, would you? No.
Yes, you are.
I've changed me mind.
You were desperate for it a minute ago.
I bet you were, you sick bastard.
What's in the pillowcase? Nothing.
Show me.
No.
It's just my packed lunch.
He's got a dead rabbit in there.
Your packed lunch? This is worse than I thought.
Open it.
No.
Open it! Rabbit murderer! Rabbit murderer! Now what? We could send Daisy back to the pet shop.
Have you still got the receipt for her? There's three problems with that plan.
One - the shop's now shut.
Two - it's bank holiday weekend, and three - it involves Daisy.
There's only one thing for it.
We have to break into that pet shop and steal that rabbit.
That window looked quite flimsy.
I reckon you could wrench it open with a duck's beak, or just smash it with a kitten.
Are you serious? If that rabbit suddenly goes missing, that pet shop owner's bound to connect it to the same loony from this afternoon.
Unless someone else gets the blame.
Who? We also break in to the zoo, and release a wolf.
The shopkeeper won't know there's a rabbit missing, will he? He'll still have the same number of rabbits.
Except one of them will have passed away peacefully in its sleep.
All right, passed away violently in its sleep.
Exactly.
How does a rabbit in a pet shop end up looking like that? It'll be fine, we'll clean it up, no-one will notice.
Right.
Let's do a burglary.
One of us needs to buy a crowbar, the other two need to remove congealed blood from a dead animal's carcass.
Where are you going? To buy a crowbar.
I can't believe we just committed a burglary.
Don't worry, where you're from, it's called learning a trade.
Anyway, so far so good.
Let's not tempt fate.
Tempt fate? The way fate's been screwing with us the last couple of days, I don't think it needs tempting.
In fact, I'd go as far as to say she's gagging for it.
There's something in there.
Oh.
It's that guinea pig they bought from the pet shop.
Ah, that's nice, he took my advice.
That'll stop Button running away all the time.
I'm don't think you're properly following this story, are you? Just put it in the hutch and let's get out of here Ow! Ow! Shush! Do something! Not that, you lunatic! Then what? Buy nine more and then I'll have a pair of gloves!! Ow! Ow! Just go and get the bloody rabbit, I'll get the guinea pig.
Come on, little bunny rabbit.
Come on.
Come back with me.
I'll take you back where it's nice and warm.
Thanks again, Fate.
I was right, you dirty little temptress, you really are gagging for it, aren't you? Is this the dirty little temptress you're looking for? No.
I think it is.
No, it's not.
I'm after a rabbit.
Sophie, lock him in the hutch.
Don't even think about it, Princess.
Look, I wasn't trying to do anything to your guinea pig.
Just like I wasn't trying to do anything with your rabbit.
In fact, believe it or not, your rabbit was here a minute ago, till it ran away.
Just like you keep running away from me? Well, not this time Do you know hard it is to eat carrots when you've got no teeth? I'm not scared.
Is that right? Yeah.
I've got a blender.
Daddy, look! It's Button! She's come back! I told you she was here.
See, I'm not lying, I never took her, she must have just escaped.
Why are you in my garden in the middle of the night? I just wanted to find Button for you.
Why? Because I felt guilty about giving your daughter a sack full of dead, wrong rabbit.
Come on, we've all been there.
I think somebody owes me an apology.
Well, I suppose I may have jumped to the wrong conclusion.
Daddy? You know I was born a little girl.
Will I always be a girl? Of course you will, darling.
Why? Because Button's grown a willy.
Don't! Please! I lied, I haven't really got a blender! Stop! I think I've got some explaining to do.
So, um, now that's all cleared up and explained, I'll get those contracts back to you first thing in the morning.
I don't think so, do you, Lucy? Well you know what they say, "You can't blame a girl for trying.
" Yeah, but they also say "You can blame a girl for running "over your daughter's pet rabbit, beating a second one to death, "kidnapping another and having an arsehole for a friend.
" To be honest with you, if you hadn't broken down in tears like that, I probably would have reported you to the police.
But call me sentimental but I hate to see a grown man cry.
You've been very understanding.
Are you sure you don't want us to take that other rabbit back to the pet shop? No, Sophie seems quite attached to him, so we're going to keep him.
But you go back to that pet shop as soon as it opens and you pay that man.
For the rabbit and for the damaged window.
And I will be checking.
OK.
Can we please just go home and forget any of this ever happened? I'll go and get the torch.
He thinks he might not be back for a couple of months.
I can't imagine Tim in Germany.
With his blonde hair and ultra-conservative views.
He'd be better off in Actually, no, Germany's about right, innit? You got a date? I wish.
It's dinner with a potential client.
Where are you going? The client's house.
They want to get to know me informally, out of work.
Well, bring them here.
I'm very informal.
And out of work.
Why do you never bring your clients round here for dinner? I don't bite.
Exactly.
You just sort of mash the food around in your mouth like a cow.
This client's far too important to risk meeting you.
None taken.
The conversation would go over your head anyway.
Some taken.
Where's that spare change I left on the table? All taken.
You're really nervous, aren't you? This is a big deal, Lee.
I really need this contract.
You'll be fine.
And if all else fails, you've always got my gag about showing him the elephant with the white ears.
Oh, no, that doesn't really work if you're a Bye! Well, thanks for coming round, Lucy.
That's OK, Paul.
It was a pleasure.
Look, I'm really sorry I told that tasteless joke in front of your little daughter, I don't know what I was thinking.
It's fine.
I mean, to be honest, I didn't even get it.
I mean I got the "my dog's got no nose" bit, but you lost me with the pockets for ears? Sorry.
All the other pitches have been far too formal.
It's nice to have someone with a sense of humour finally.
I'm going to courier over those contracts tomorrow.
And if everything's in order, I think we can green light this.
I like green lights.
Better than red ones.
Unless you're a prostitute, which I'm not.
Safe journey home.
Oh, and make sure to close the gate on your way out.
Button has a habit of trying to escape.
I thought your wife was called Karen.
Ha.
Boo! Get off! No, Button is my daughter's rabbit.
It's got a little pink button nose.
If he's got white ears I could do an impression of him.
You know, the pink nose is Too much.
See you.
You beauty! Well done, Lucy Adams! That was excellent! You would have to do something pretty drastic to screw this up now.
Yes, that would be something.
Hello? I've just killed a rabbit.
Whoa, whoa, slow down.
First, tell me what you're wearing.
I've just killed my new client's pet rabbit.
With the car.
What, you ran it over? No, Lee, I locked it inside and connected the hose pipe from the exhaust! Yes, I ran it over! So why are you telling me? Because I need help.
I don't know what I should do next.
I don't know - what other pets has he got? I think I'm about to have a panic attack.
'Look, just calm down.
' First things first, are you sure it's dead? Well, it's very still.
It looks like someone's paused Watership Down.
Actually .
.
it is slightly twitching.
'You've got to make sure it's not suffering.
' Oh, God! You're going to have to whack it with something really heavy.
I've got a torch.
Well, there you go.
Hopefully it's got Duracell batteries inside.
Why? It's what the bunny would have wanted.
I'm a murderer! Nice to meet you.
I'm a victim.
Come in.
Look, you did the right thing.
I don't mean mowing down a defenceless animal with your car, obviously, that wasn't the right thing.
That was the wrong thing.
But smashing its head in to make sure it was dead, that was the right thing.
I think.
Isn't there someone stood on a window ledge you should be talking to? Oh, my God.
It's him! The rabbit?! The client.
He must have worked out what happened.
Well, didn't you go back and tell him? No.
I just drove off.
You didn't say tell him! I didn't say do a hit-and-run either.
I didn't do a hit-and-run.
I stopped.
All right, a stop-and-bop.
You should have told him, Lucy.
Look, just answer it and be calm.
Hi, Paul! Yes, I got home fine, thanks.
Um No, I didn't see anything.
Oh, that's a shame.
Yeah.
OK, then, bye.
How was that? Well, he might not have you down as a rabbit killer, but he might think you're a helium addict.
He asked if I saw his rabbit on the way out.
He didn't accuse me of anything.
Good.
No, it's not good, is it? I'm not just a killer, now I'm a liar.
You're not a liar.
You didn't see his rabbit on the way out.
That's why you drove over its head.
Look, just forget about it, he'll think it's just gone missing, he won't know it's dead and buried.
It's not buried.
Well, how did you get rid of it? I didn't.
It's in the boot of my car.
Are you planning on making a stew? Why did you put it in your boot? Well, it would have looked conspicuous sat next to me, plus I didn't have a booster seat.
I mean, why did you bring it home? Well I couldn't get rid of it.
It was too dark.
Yeah, and we all know the best time to get rid of a corpse is in broad daylight.
Let's wait till the morning, we'll go down to the Westgate Centre and nail it to the wall of the bathroom department in Debenhams.
Oh, my God, it's the police! What kind of policemen are dealing with dead rabbits? Cagney and Flopsy? Actually Starsky and Hutch would have been funnier.
You're right, not now.
I've been to a netball tournament.
Catch! At least we know what the C stands for.
Crap.
Rude.
Could have been ruder.
All right, I said I'm sorry.
It's not like I killed anyone.
Daisy knows! She can see it.
It's all over my face, isn't it? What? Are you telling me you ate it now? What's happened? I hit a rabbit.
Why, what did it do to you? In my car.
What was it doing in your car? It wasn't in my car, I was.
And then I hit it and then I got out and hit it again, with a torch, and now it is in my car.
Dead.
Wow, this must have been a really naughty rabbit.
She accidentally ran over a rabbit and now it's in her boot.
Oh.
She's worried that the owner will trace it back here.
Oh, yes.
Yes.
The rabbit might have been chipped.
It wasn't chipped, it was mashed.
Oh, my God, I hadn't thought of that.
Oh, this is awful, I'm just going to have to go back to Paul and tell him the truth.
He'll cancel the contract, but I haven't got any choice.
Unless someone else did it for me.
What do you mean? Someone else could take the blame.
Say that Button had somehow sneaked out of the garden, and they accidentally ran over it.
But who would confess to killing a rabbit? A Catholic fox? No chance.
Oh, please, Lee.
It would be the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.
Look at me - I'm desperate, I don't know what else to do, Lee.
Oh, not the tears! First you kill a rabbit and now this, you heartless bitch.
Oh, Daisy, can you get the rabbit out of the boot? I can't look.
Well, you don't need to look.
You could do it by feel.
It'll be the furry, wet, squishy thing.
Oh, thank you so much, Lee! If you ever want me to take the blame for anything you did, just ask.
It's funny you should say that.
I think you should know that earlier this evening, you accidentally dropped your new iPad in the bath.
Did I? Well that was pretty stupid of me, wasn't it? I can't believe I was even having a bath.
It's not even my birthday.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
You were only holding it in one hand.
Why, what was I doing with the other? Oh, yeah.
I don't think I've been properly following all of this, have I? Don't worry about it Daisy, it's all sorted.
Yes, I know, but if Lee's taken your client's dead rabbit back to his house Yes? Then whose is this dead rabbit jammed under your wheel arch? Oh, my God.
That must be the rabbit I hit.
THAT'S Button.
I thought that other one was a bit wild-looking.
So would you be if you'd just been clubbed to death with a torch.
Oh, no The wild one must have just been asleep.
You know that phrase - "like a rabbit in the headlights"? See, I've always wondered what that would look like.
I assumed it would look like that, what you're doing.
When actually it's more like that.
Kind of I killed an innocent rabbit.
No, you haven't.
You've killed TWO innocent rabbits.
Still, you did the right thing.
How? Well, now there are no witnesses, are there? God, we've got to find Lee before he hands over the wrong corpse.
We'll have to drive after him.
OK.
Keys! I'm much better in defence.
Anyone order a take away? Sorry.
I'm like this when I'm nervous.
Can I help you with something? Yeah.
I've got something to tell you.
About your rabbit.
Oh, right.
Our rabbit's disappeared, actually.
Well.
Not for much longer.
Ta-da! I will now make the rabbit re-appear.
"You're going to like this.
Not a lot".
The thing is, a few hours ago I was doing a three-point turn in your driveway.
And I killed your rabbit.
I see.
Sorry.
It was a complete accident.
There was no drink involved.
Certainly not on my part - I don't know about the rabbit.
It certainly smelled of hops.
It's the nerves again.
I'm rabbitingrambling! So, you killed my rabbit? Yeah.
And you took the body away with you for three hours? I took it to A&E.
They can't treat animals at hospitals.
I wouldn't let Rolf Harris hear you say that.
Well, I suppose I've got to appreciate your honesty.
I don't suppose there's a? What? Well, it's just that when me dad used to go missing, I'd go out and find him, me mum would give me a little reward.
A tenner, or something.
Yeah, but you didn't return your dad home dead, did you? That's true.
I wish I had, me mum would have given me 20.
Anyway, I'm sorry Hey! Hey, what's this? It's your rabbit.
This isn't my rabbit.
This is a wild thing.
How do you know? Is it making your heart sing? What's going on? Nothing.
I killed a rabbit, and assumed it was yours.
Why? Because it was very close to your house and it looks like the kind of rabbit that would be called "Button".
Which I appreciate you never actually told me was your daughter's rabbit's name.
Or that you had a daughter.
Right.
What's your name? Warren.
Warren? Yeah.
Surname? Burrows.
What's your address? Number oneRabbit Road.
That's a made-up address.
All right, number two.
Something's going on here.
What have you done with Button? Nothing.
Tell me the truth, now.
Oh, fine! I admit it.
I'm a notorious rabbit killer, who goes from hutch to hutch, strangling rabbits and cutting off their ears and Hello.
Who are you? Father Christmas.
No, he's not.
All right, the Easter No.
Sophie, you go back to bed, and we'll look for Button in the morning.
Oi! Well, that went well! Lee? I'm sleeping! I'm only sleeping! Please don't beat me to death! It was an honest mistake.
Yeah.
We've all done it.
Only last week I drove over one of those sleeping policeman, so I got out and murdered a Deputy Chief Constable.
Anyway, thanks.
He now thinks an unhinged lunatic did something to his rabbit, so I'm in the clear.
In fact, here's your reward.
What's this? The other dead rabbit.
Yeah.
Very funny.
Seriously, what is? It's a dead rabbit! Christ's sake! What's the matter with you, bringing these things home? You're like a badly-trained house cat! Well, that's Button, the rabbit I hit.
It was too late to bury it last night, so I was hoping you'd sort it out for me this morning.
Yeah, sure, no problems.
And when you've come back from the Bugs Bunny convention with your machete, phone me.
I will sort out the mess.
Oh good, that'll be the courier with those contracts.
Paul! Hiya, Lucy.
Sorry to barge in on you like this.
My courier let me down at the last moment, so I thought I'd bring these over in person.
Oh, right, thanks.
Oh, God! You, um, haven't met my flatmate, Lee, have you? No, I don't think so.
No.
No, we've never, never met.
Why has he got a pillowcase on his head? That is because he's in an amateur dramatics production of The Elephant Man.
I'm helping him with his lines.
I am not an animal! I am a man! Well, I won't keep you, I just wanted to ask you about Button again.
Oh, yes - did she turn up? Not yet, no.
Oh, that's a shame.
I don't suppose she's microchipped, is she? Nobody microchips rabbits.
Oh, thank God! For making me this way, dear Lord.
For if you had not, then I I'm going to be sick.
It's all very strange.
I mean, shortly after we spoke, a man called Warren Burrows came to my door.
He had a dead wild rabbit with him.
I mean, you didn't see anyone after you left, did you? He was an extremely shifty, odd-looking bloke.
Why does no-body treat me like a human being? No, I didn't see anything.
Ah, it's just that the woman across the road said she saw a shadowy figure on my driveway beating something with a torch.
She was probably mistaken, it was very dark.
Well, it would have been, but the torch was switched on.
Switched on?! Yes, it does seem quite stupid.
Yeah, stupid! Very stupid! I was thinking of going to the police.
Huh? You don't mind if I give them your details, do you? In case they want to ask you if you saw anyone as you were leaving.
Well, of course you can.
But I think you're being too hasty.
When I was little, my rabbit was always running off and coming back by itself.
Really? Yeah, he's probably in your garden somewhere, right under your nose.
Oh, imagine that! It's probably just lonely.
Ours was.
In the end we got it a guinea pig to keep it company and it never escaped again.
Well, maybe you're right, I'll wait a couple of days and see if she comes back.
I'll leave you to your rehearsals.
Nice to meet you Elephant Man.
You've all been most kind.
Oh, God, I feel ill.
YOU feel ill! My throat tastes like Roger Rabbit's jock strap.
Why the hell did you leave the bloody torch switched on? Oh, sorry, I screwed up.
If only I was as quick-witted as my good friend, Warren Burrows.
At least I put Paul off from going to the police.
For a day or two.
He'll still phone them when Button doesn't come home.
Button will come home.
How? By Sellotaping the salvageable bits to a very small method actor? No.
By buying a replacement.
One that looks exactly like Button.
BEFORE I hit it.
Any luck? No.
Well, there's one shop left on the list.
If we can't find a match in there, we're just going to have buy any and dip it paint.
Spoken like a true animal lover.
You can talk, Elmer Fudd.
"Oh, I'm gonna bash your bwains out "and put you in the twunk of my car, you wascallly wabbit.
" Hello.
I'd like to see to the manager, please.
Can you say "Rabbit murderer! Rabbit murderer!?" What about this one? Perhaps your client would prefer a rubber one - they bounce off cars more easily.
Just start looking.
Excuse me, mate.
I'm looking for a rabbit.
But it has to be a specific kind.
Needs to be about that big, black with a sort of white mark round it's neck, white feet up to about Look, just like that.
Well? I don't work here.
There.
Look, it's exactly like Button.
Black and white, white toes, everything.
It's perfect.
Excuse me.
Um, we want that black and white rabbit, please.
Sorry, love.
That one's not for sale.
Not for sale? What are you, a zoo? I'm keeping that one back for breeding.
That's disgusting.
People like you shouldn't be allowed near animals.
I'm joking.
It's people like her that shouldn't be allowed near animals.
Look, I'll pay double.
Sorry, love.
But we need it! My daughter's grandaddy has just died.
She's really upset.
And she saw that rabbit earlier and fell in love with it.
Don't cry.
OK, fine.
Fine.
You can have the rabbit.
Thank you so much.
I'll go and get a box.
What was that? Just something I do to manipulate hopelessly weak men.
It's how you got me to take the rabbit back to your client's house in the first place.
Was it? I'm sorry, OK.
But I was desperate.
I really needed that contract and I didn't know what else to do, I just thought Well, don't do it again! Sorry.
Oh, God! We need to get out of here.
See that, if you ever want to escape, it's that easy.
What about this one, Daddy? Excuse me, I'm thinking of buying a guinea pig for my daughter.
Her rabbit's gone missing, and I understand they're pretty good company for when it - hopefully - returns.
I ought to warn you, that one's a bit of a biter.
But I love him, Daddy.
Can I have him? Please? Well, if it isn't Warren Burrows.
Oh, hello.
What are you doing here? I have to get a present for a mate's dog.
Try before you buy.
You wouldn't be trying to buy a real rabbit by any chance, would you? No.
Yes, you are.
I've changed me mind.
You were desperate for it a minute ago.
I bet you were, you sick bastard.
What's in the pillowcase? Nothing.
Show me.
No.
It's just my packed lunch.
He's got a dead rabbit in there.
Your packed lunch? This is worse than I thought.
Open it.
No.
Open it! Rabbit murderer! Rabbit murderer! Now what? We could send Daisy back to the pet shop.
Have you still got the receipt for her? There's three problems with that plan.
One - the shop's now shut.
Two - it's bank holiday weekend, and three - it involves Daisy.
There's only one thing for it.
We have to break into that pet shop and steal that rabbit.
That window looked quite flimsy.
I reckon you could wrench it open with a duck's beak, or just smash it with a kitten.
Are you serious? If that rabbit suddenly goes missing, that pet shop owner's bound to connect it to the same loony from this afternoon.
Unless someone else gets the blame.
Who? We also break in to the zoo, and release a wolf.
The shopkeeper won't know there's a rabbit missing, will he? He'll still have the same number of rabbits.
Except one of them will have passed away peacefully in its sleep.
All right, passed away violently in its sleep.
Exactly.
How does a rabbit in a pet shop end up looking like that? It'll be fine, we'll clean it up, no-one will notice.
Right.
Let's do a burglary.
One of us needs to buy a crowbar, the other two need to remove congealed blood from a dead animal's carcass.
Where are you going? To buy a crowbar.
I can't believe we just committed a burglary.
Don't worry, where you're from, it's called learning a trade.
Anyway, so far so good.
Let's not tempt fate.
Tempt fate? The way fate's been screwing with us the last couple of days, I don't think it needs tempting.
In fact, I'd go as far as to say she's gagging for it.
There's something in there.
Oh.
It's that guinea pig they bought from the pet shop.
Ah, that's nice, he took my advice.
That'll stop Button running away all the time.
I'm don't think you're properly following this story, are you? Just put it in the hutch and let's get out of here Ow! Ow! Shush! Do something! Not that, you lunatic! Then what? Buy nine more and then I'll have a pair of gloves!! Ow! Ow! Just go and get the bloody rabbit, I'll get the guinea pig.
Come on, little bunny rabbit.
Come on.
Come back with me.
I'll take you back where it's nice and warm.
Thanks again, Fate.
I was right, you dirty little temptress, you really are gagging for it, aren't you? Is this the dirty little temptress you're looking for? No.
I think it is.
No, it's not.
I'm after a rabbit.
Sophie, lock him in the hutch.
Don't even think about it, Princess.
Look, I wasn't trying to do anything to your guinea pig.
Just like I wasn't trying to do anything with your rabbit.
In fact, believe it or not, your rabbit was here a minute ago, till it ran away.
Just like you keep running away from me? Well, not this time Do you know hard it is to eat carrots when you've got no teeth? I'm not scared.
Is that right? Yeah.
I've got a blender.
Daddy, look! It's Button! She's come back! I told you she was here.
See, I'm not lying, I never took her, she must have just escaped.
Why are you in my garden in the middle of the night? I just wanted to find Button for you.
Why? Because I felt guilty about giving your daughter a sack full of dead, wrong rabbit.
Come on, we've all been there.
I think somebody owes me an apology.
Well, I suppose I may have jumped to the wrong conclusion.
Daddy? You know I was born a little girl.
Will I always be a girl? Of course you will, darling.
Why? Because Button's grown a willy.
Don't! Please! I lied, I haven't really got a blender! Stop! I think I've got some explaining to do.
So, um, now that's all cleared up and explained, I'll get those contracts back to you first thing in the morning.
I don't think so, do you, Lucy? Well you know what they say, "You can't blame a girl for trying.
" Yeah, but they also say "You can blame a girl for running "over your daughter's pet rabbit, beating a second one to death, "kidnapping another and having an arsehole for a friend.
" To be honest with you, if you hadn't broken down in tears like that, I probably would have reported you to the police.
But call me sentimental but I hate to see a grown man cry.
You've been very understanding.
Are you sure you don't want us to take that other rabbit back to the pet shop? No, Sophie seems quite attached to him, so we're going to keep him.
But you go back to that pet shop as soon as it opens and you pay that man.
For the rabbit and for the damaged window.
And I will be checking.
OK.
Can we please just go home and forget any of this ever happened? I'll go and get the torch.