One Foot in the Grave (1990) s06e01 Episode Script

# They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed # But I have not yet quite gone to seed # I may be over the hill now that I have retired # Fading away but I've not yet expired # Clapped out, run down, too old to save # One foot in the grave # Okay And finally, Patrick, three things that cause you stress Remember, we discuss them, we disable them Erm, only three Well, let's see Work, I suppose It hasn't been much fun, since the man who lived next door killed my chances of promotion Family, never quite managed to start one after the man who lived next door sabotaged my sperm count And, of course, our new house has never really felt like home what with the man who lived next door losing all our furniture Ah, now I think I see a pattern beginning to emerge here The demonising of this mythic figure in your life suggests a certain irrational paranoia at work Yes, yes, I can see why you'd think that But I swear to you, this person has totally dogged my life We're talking about a man here who for reasons utterly impenetrable drove a motor-mower around my employer's carpet singing, Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, then proceeded to demolish her summer house and poison the entire garden by spraying it with cocaine And the reduction in your fertility? An impromptu vasectomy performed by a crab up my beach shorts RAJEEV: Yes? No, I just Okay, to eradicate the problem you must first confront it Go back and visit this man You face the fear, only then can you neutralise it Right RAJEEV: And how do we neutralise these tensions in our life? By understanding the therapeutic nature of a fundamental human mechanism, the act of laughing Regular laughter not only lifts our spirits, it stimulates the diaphragm, assisting our breathing and so relieving our stress So, for a count of 1 0, please, with lots of gusto (ALL LAUGHING) (TUTTING) The trash you read in this local nowadays Do you remember that comedian with the big teeth? Printed such a terrible write-up of his act, he went home and jumped off the roof They've only got a review of his suicide in here now Page 1 7, ''Arts critic Marjorie Quayle ''is unimpressed by comic's final caper'' If you want to do something useful you can put this washing in the machine for me It's mostly woollens, so make sure you set it at the right temperature ''Though undoubtedly funnier than any of his jokes ''the sudden death last night of orthodontically challenged Larry Hackett ''by plummeting from a tall building ''fell as flat on his face as the man himself ''Ranked against the self-destruction of other famous funsters, ''this creaky cri de coeur ''lacked the vintage martyrdom of a Hancock or Fatty Arbuckle ''and was about as emotionally unsettling as a bag of winkles'' He was only trying to earn a living, poor bloke Gave it one star for ''Don't bother'' Did you hear me? I'll be out the back Yes Morning Morning Hello, Buster Oh, on your lunch break? I don't want to hassle you, Mrs Meldrew, but we've had a few calls about an extremely loud television blasting out of your bedroom at all hours My God, is this it? What have you got in there? The Empire Leicester Square? Yes I'll spare you the plot of another Whitehall farce, Roger Suffice to say, it all hinges on the words ''1 5-inch'' and ''50-inch'' sounding very similar over the phone They're supposed to be coming to take it back next week Only Mr Blithery says the vibrations from Moira Stuart have been loosening his false leg Phone call for you It's Pippa Oh! Erm, sorry, will you excuse me? Come on, what's this? Do you think if you plant it, it's gonna grow? Come here I know, it must be absolutely ages Mmm-hmm Oh, yes Easily Anyway, how are things? Oh, a bit grizzly at the moment, if truth be told With it being Patrick's time of the month and everything You know that thing men go through where they can't open their mouths without getting right on your tits (SILENCE) What with that and Denzel losing his voice Anyway, how about you? Oh, yes Still ticking over, thanks for asking Did I tell you I'm doing some work for this agency as a part-time care assistant? Oh, you know, visiting one or two people Getting them washed and dressed in the mornings Oh, of course, Victor's got his new window cleaning round which seems to be keeping him out of mischief Anyway, if you're feeling a bit down in the dumps the two of us are going out for a bite to eat tonight Why don't you call us? Right Bye Victor, what the hell are you doing? It's all right I think you're going to be able to wear them It's just, I may have left them in a little bit too long Oh, will you stop that! This is the washing I said I'd do for that lady who's just come out of hospital and her three children God spare us! This is what I wear, you think? Look what you've done to these now! (DOORBELL RINGING) I'm sorry, I I don't Ah, thank you very much Can this possibly be our handmade silk-screen wallpaper for the spare bedroom? I'd just about given up hope It's a wonder they sent it at all The way you kept moaning on at them, ringing up asking to speak to William Caxton I merely asked them what kind of medieval printing process they were using that meant we had to wait 1 5 weeks for a simple order Didn't care for his attitude one bit, that one that looked like Frank Zappa Anyway, I've said to Pippa they could join us for this Chinese tonight, as it's such a long time since we've seen them No, not since we stayed over at their house that night and found they put a waterproof sheet on the bed And that ruddy sausage dog sniffing around just as I was getting undressed Staring up between my legs and dribbling as if he hadn't been fed for a week I don't know what he thought he was about to Oh, I do not believe Will you look at this? Bastards! Can you believe the nerve of this? I'll skin their ruddy hides for them! Oh, there we are If you're stuck on what to get me for my birthday there's a Jackson Pollock going begging at Sotheby's for two million Just fill this wall rather nicely Failing that, I don't know, something from Rolf Harris's non-drip emulsion period or So, that's it then, is it? You won't come out for a meal with Mr Meldrew tonight on principle? Just 'cause of what's happened in the past? My dear, the police were digging up bones in his back garden this morning (SILENCE) I hope I don't need to remind you what the shock of seeing Mr Meldrew with no clothes on did to this poor little mite Enough to strike anyone dumb, I should think We don't know it was that that made him What the hell is all this? ''Congratulations I'm pleased to announce that you, ''head of Reader's Digest junk mail, ''are one of the lucky winners in my special prize draw ''and have been selected to receive at least one of the following sensational gifts ''A pair of diamond earrings, worth at least £1 0,000, ''a fabulous dream holiday in sun-kissed Waikiki, ''or a dead rat ''Open now to see which of these prizes is yours'' Oh, my God I feel sick ''Yes, this is just one of a series of rotting rodents that are yours to examine ''free of charge in your own home ''Please rush me a decomposing squirrel by return of post'' Yes, well, we'll see how they'll like a dose of their own ruddy medicine for a change You know who you're starting to turn into, don't you? Hmm? And the frightening thing is, you can't even see it Time of the month Bloody zip! Don't know why I bother Brand new pair of trousers and can't budge it for love nor money No matter what you buy nowadays, there's always got to be a problem I mean, that was asking for trouble, wasn't it? Leaving Mrs Warboys to mind the fort when this arrived (IMITATING MRS WARBOYS) ''It's a whopper, isn't it, Mr Meldrew?'' I mean, she must've known it was the wrong model, for goodness sake! Oh, will you keep still! Jigging about like a Morris dancer There! Now come on We've got 45 minutes to get to this place and woe betide you if it's not up to standard I've heard some very dodgy stories about this restaurant Meaning what? Meaning I wouldn't be at all sure this is a misprint Meaning what, Margaret? Well, that was absolutelyerm Horrible If I'm honest Yes, I think when the crispy duck arrived and they'd burnt the beak, it was a sure sign of things Victor! We've already established it doesn't work Will you stop trying to force it? Oh, sorry Now, now, I don't know why you're (HICCUPPING) moaning I think this has all been verytasty nosh So, you were saying it's Patrick's birthday coming up What are you going to get him? Have you decided yet? Well, he's been dropping hints about a painting for his office, but Oh, maybe I'll just get him a book or something on modern art Oh, well Didn't you say there's an artist who lives on your window cleaning round? Perhaps you could find out if he's got anything decent to sell I can do, perhaps, tomorrow morning In the meantime, I think I'll go for a pistachio ice cream for dessert Be back in two shakes (THUMPING) Oh, for mercy's sake, go down! So, I suppose I've got to take the blame for all this now, have I, as usual? Yes, whose idea was it to come to this God-awful dive? Please do remind me I mean, when I booked the table, it completely slipped my mind to enquire about the underground brothel facilities Go to empty your bladder in good faith and you don't expect to be yanked off by the local vice ring Well, it certainly gives a new meaning to the phrase ''popping out for a Chinese'' You sure you don't want us to run you home? No, I'll be fine Taxi'll be here in a tick You two get along, have an early night I'll phone you tomorrow -Night -Good night Can I get you a drink, madam? -Okay, I'll have white wine, please -Thank you -Hello -Good morning do you suffer from a clenched colon? I beg your pardon? Does your skirt feel too tight after a heavy meal and your tummy all puffed up like it's about to explode? Well, you could be one of thousands of women in Britain today who suffer the misery and social embarrassment of IBS.
Well, Derek Pangloss has kindly popped in to talk to us all about this.
Derek (ON TV) in which the normal operation of the bowel has for some reason become impaired.
The normal What's going on here? Mrs Aylesbury's mother across the road rang up to say her TV is on the blink and would we mind if she watched an item on irritable bowel syndrome through her binoculars? She's virtually house-bound, you know And she suffers from (VOICE SQUEAKING ON PHONE) -or like somebody standing on a hosepipe? -Exactly.
Hello? Oh, yes, right Sorry Who were you trying to ring? Well, I was going to have another go at those wallpaper merchants but I suppose it can wait I've got to be on my way anyway You won't forget to call in on that artist on your way and see if you can get something for Patrick's birthday If he's there, yes tough muscular tract whose principal function, the absorption of all the water (VICTOR HUFFING) in their diet I suppose you know you're going to go right through that thing in a minute, puncture the cabinet PATRICK: Mmm-hmm ''Congratulations on choosing the new advanced miracle freezer that will never need defrosting'' (DOORBELL BUZZING) (HISSING) PIPPA: Margaret! I wasn't expecting you this morning Well, I'm actually between house calls, but as I was in the area, I thought A cup of coffee wouldn't go amiss Where are you off to? Just popping out for a secondfreezer -What? -Just popping out for a second freezer, in case the first one packs up Which, of course, it has Bloody freezers So, erm, I'll see you later, Mrs Meldrew Are you well? Well, you got back safe and sound, anyway, after last night's fun and games Well, in a manner of speaking, yes (STUTTERING) What do you mean? What is it? Why? What happened? After you'd gone, I got chatting to this bloke, didn't I, in the bar? His name was Warren, he was there on his own and Oh, God! Pippa! His wife was away on business He said, did I want to come back for coffee? I said, as long as it wasn't unprotected coffee, all right then And about 55 brandies later I don't know if you've ever had sex under anaesthetic Now, here's the killer, Margaret When I was in the cab coming home, I found he'd slipped a £20 note into my pocket -For your taxi fare, I suppose -Or something else? Margaret, he picked me up in that restaurant What if he thought I was part of the merchandise? Twenty pounds? A loss leader? The thing is, I've got to know one way or the other, being a bit of cheap trade I could just about deal with, I've had all sorts of crap jobs in my time, but if I found out I was having an affair last night Well, that's why I've got to see him again I've got to find out one way or the other, for my own sanity Here we go, then That's the last of them Now, it's fantastic! I think sir is going to be well pleased when he gets back (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh, is that the front door? I'll leave you to it, then If you need anything, give me a shout As I said Mr Jarvis is away at the moment in South Africa But anything you wanted to make an offer on I could give him a call These would all go for about 700 or 800 in a gallery Well, as I say, it's for a friend, and I'm not quite sure how much she's prepared to spend Of course, his international profile is rising all the time Chiefly because he's such a perfectionist Any canvas he is even remotely unhappy with, that's it Out it goes Trash Ah, amazing, isn't it? Something like this can be just thrown away when you think of what some people would pay for it Well, it's only going in the skip If you can find a use for it Oh, really? Absolutely hideous! You honestly think Patrick will want this on his wall? What's it meant to be? It's not meant to be anything It's an abstract It's different things to different people I thought I might just give it a simple black frame and it could be a present to him from us It stinks to high heaven, I know that much You say people pay 700 quid for this? They must be out of their tiny minds! Ha! You know why? It's upside down (STUTTERING) But, no, Mr Withers, don't you think you should No Right Okay, then, bye That's 1 6 people all called to cancel now Why should that happen all of a sudden? Well, maybe there's a rival window cleaner in the area poaching your customers You know, I think it's starting to grow on me The more you look at it, the more you see what he was trying to get at The way the colours are all quite skilfully arranged, the more you study it If it goes on like this, I won't have any more calls left before long Thanks Might have to start and sell my body to that Chinese restaurant God! Victor! Leave it to me I'll sort it Oh! Just eat your tea I saw a programme once where they took three months to restore a damaged Rembrandt If I can just get the worst of it off before it dries That does it What is it now! This parish magazine, you'll never believe what they print! A review of my window cleaning ''In her occasional series about odd-job men, local arts critic Marjorie Quayle ''accesses the work of newcomer Victor Meldrew'' I didn't even know she was one of my customers ''His squeegee action is limp and flaccid ''His entire subtext mired in cliché, ''where one longs for broad strokes of sparkling clarity, ''Meldrew has nothing to offer but a thoughtless residue of suds ''As for his technique with the chamois leather, ''I have seen it more deftly manipulated ''on a goat's arse'' Well, that's a stinker No wonder your business is dropping off I'm trying to earn a living, for goodness sake Why have people got to be so cruel? That's Liddy He's a little sweetheart, aren't you? And this here is Segretti And out there, eating the pansies, that's Magruder So, are all your pets named after Watergate conspirators? I tell you, it's a fascinating period of American history You ever see All the President's Men? Listen, about the other night, I had had quite a lot to drink and Warren, can I just stop you there for a second? That money you put in my purse afterwards Oh, was more than enough, I hope for the taxi Listen, we don't have to feel guilty about this Either of us It's just, there comes a time in any marriage when you need a little break When you go abroad for holiday doesn't mean you have to emigrate Yes Well, I really don't think it's a good idea for us to Is this your wife? Oh, yes That's Sally Bloody hell She's gorgeous Well, she is in her own way and you in yours Few hours from now, she'll be in Geneva So Warren, I can't (CAT MEOWING) Oh Hi Can you believe it? Forget me own head if it wasn't screwed on Sorry to interrupt Bye His sister? Oh, you're joking! Apparently they share a house but she's hardly ever there Of course, he wanted me to think he was married That way there was no danger of it getting serious I mean, I think that's absolutely the worst kind of cheat, don't you? Someone who says he's a cheat, when he isn't Anyway, I think I found the perfect softener in the shape of Denzel Junior Yes You can talk, can't you? I'm hoping that with this and Victor's painting he'll be in a good enough mood by tonight for me to broach the dreaded subject Now, not a peep out of you till I say MARGARET: Patrick Many happy returns I think Victor has got a little surprise for you Upstairs Well I, erm I don't know what to say Rather taken aback I suppose you're wondering where it came from Well, that's right Couldn't even begin to hazard a guess The rectum of a very nervous albatross? Flock of willow warblers with chronic dysentery? Yes, I have to say, Mr Meldrew, you certainly haven't lost your touch And when your wife said you had a little surprise lined up for me, I'll admit one or two old favourites did spring to mind A gift pack of your own worn underpants Ajeroboam of cat's urine But, no, for all-round staggering pointlessness, this has to take the biscuit What are you saying? You don't like it? Mrs Meldrew, what is there to like? It's excrement Oh, how very gracious of you to say so I don't know why I bother sometimes You try and build bridges, and what happens? I should have known better -Victor! -You're not gonna leave this here? What is it? What's happening? How do you even attempt to get inside a mind like that? It's not just the fact that he brings me a sheet of plywood splattered with bird shit for my birthday, but for some reason he imagines he can take the curse off the smell with trace elements of tomato ketchup Well, I'm sorry, but it's not staying here I'm sorry, I think I forgot my drill (SILENCE) (BARKING) Well, I don't know I We knew the artist wasn't happy with it but, as you say, why do people have to be so horribly critical? How many cancellations now? More than enough, I think, to convince me I should chuck it all in Thank you very much, Marjorie Quayle I still can't credit that thing with Pippa, you know? That she could do something like that without knowing whether she's been used or not -You'd think it'd be obvious at the time -For some men, the height of sexual arousal -can only be achieved -something odd was going on by being pampered like a baby.
People might say I'm abusing the system to indulge my own erotic fantasies but I'm paying for a service, she's providing one.
Who's getting hurt? The fact that to her, it is not a game is what makes it all so terribly exciting.
MARGARET: Mr Jefferson? Here she is now, so Morning, Mr Jefferson.
How are the fingers today? Would you like a hand getting out of your pyjamas? You're all bathed and dressed.
I thought we might try this new talcum-powder today, see if it makes a difference to the itching.
Now, I'm just going to ease your legs over the side.
Then I think I can just wriggle these off for you.
There we go.
And up we get.
You're going to feel a bit stiff after everything today So just have a good night's rest and let those bones knit back together That's one birthday I won't be sorry to put behind me Yes By the way, I met a bloke the other night at that restaurant, I was quite drunk and it didn't mean anything, but we went back to his house afterwards and made mad, passionate love together I won't do it again Ni-night (PATRICK LAUGHING LOUDLY IN A FORCED MANNER) # They say I might as well face the truth # That I am just too long in the tooth # I've started to deteriorate #And now I've passed my own sell-by date # Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true # I have to pop my teeth in to chew #And my old knees have started to knock # I've just got too many miles on the clock # So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways # It's true that my body has seen better days # But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave # One foot in the grave #