Parks and Recreation s06e01 Episode Script

Wait, I forgot! - Who the hell is pregnant? - What? I found a pregnancy test at your cabin and I checked with all the girls over there and wasn't any of them.
Hello, darling, what a surprise.
Hey.
Can we talk? Maybe in private.
You and me? I believe she's referring to me, son.
Please excuse us.
So Iam pregnant.
I see.
I don't understand how.
We were so careful.
I warned you about this.
Standard birth control methods aren't usually effective against a Swanson.
I got about a million thoughts running around in my head, but I really just want to know what you're thinking.
Okay, here's what I'm thinking.
I was gonna wait until our anniversary, take you somewhere romantic, perhaps in a canoe-- most likely in a canoe.
I actually built a canoe for that purpose, but given the news, and given my significant feelings for you, now seems as good a time as any.
Ron Swanson.
Diane Lewis will you marry me? Yes.
- On one condition.
- Anything, my love.
Ask me for anything in the world, and I'll give it to you, except a destination wedding.
Just the opposite.
We've both been married before.
I don't want anything big or elaborate.
In fact, the smaller the better.
I assume you can deal with that.
Are you kidding? As far as I'm concerned, we could go up to the fourth floor right now.
Well, hello there.
Hey, Leslie.
What's with the getup? We're coming back from cleaning up the Pawnee River.
There's nothing I love more than squeegeeing slime off a highway underpass.
Where are you guys going? The fourth floor, getting married.
Okey-dokey.
Well, catch you later.
What? Wha-- What--who's-- what the-- Are you dead? You look like you're in rictus.
I just--I'm having so many thoughts and feelings that I'm paralyzed right now.
Would you ladies like to come? - Can I be the best man? - Why not? Let's go.
Ron is getting married, and I love him, and I care about him, and this is the greatest day ever, and I do not have time to talk about this! Wait! If you would just slow down a little, then I could arrange balloons or a flower cake - or a bouncy castle-- - Ah! Ethel Beavers, we would like a marriage license, please and thank you.
What's the date of the wedding? - Today.
- It's a bit unusual, - but we both-- - Don't care.
Leslie Knope, would you please be my matron of honor? Diane, you have no idea what that means to me.
She gets it.
Let's go.
Well, this is like a waking nightmare of happiness.
I need to get some flowers.
Why don't you hold this colorful bouquet of highlighters? Rice, I need to find some rice, I need to throw some rice.
Why is there no rice in this municipal government building? I found a justice guy.
These are the marrying people.
- This is Carl.
- Hello, Carl.
My fiancee and I would like to get married right now, right here.
Haven't I done a quickie wedding for you before? It's certainly possible, but this one's going to stick.
I need your full names for the license.
- Ronald Ulysses Swanson.
- Diane Tammy Lewis.
Tammy? - Your middle name is-- - Just kidding, it's Elizabeth.
- Let's go, Carl.
- Hey, hey.
Let's pump the brakes, Carl, okay? Belay that order, Carl.
Shortest possible ceremony.
I'm tired of not being married to this woman.
Do you, Ron Swanson, take Diane to be your wife? Ooh, it's going to start! Ooh, it's happening! - I certainly do.
- Oh, my God! - And do you, Diane, take-- - Yes! - Yes, I do.
- She said yes! - Okay.
- Wait! - By the power vested in me-- - Before you-- Carl, just one second.
I would just like to give a short speech, if I may.
You have ten seconds.
At first glance, it may seem as though Ron Swanson and I have nothing in common, but Webster's dictionary defines "friend--" - Time.
- It's--ugh! Thank you, Leslie.
I could tell where you were going with that, and it was gonna be beautiful.
- I now pronounce you - Oh! man and wife.
Hooray! Yay! Great job, everyone.
The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.
Pretend this is rice! That was beautiful.
The people who want to boot me from office have been viciously attacking me for weeks.
Recall Knope! Recall Knope! Legalize weed! Last week, I was an answer in the Pawnee Journal's Crossword Puzzle.
The clue--"Who's the worst," but you know what? We're fighting back.
I've broken my defense initiative into 40 phases.
We are currently in phase 26: "No problem too small.
" Anyone can come to me any time with any problem, no matter how petty or small, and I will fix it personally, and let me tell you, some of these complaints are pretty damn petty and small.
Okay, Gretel, how can I help you today? There are slugs everywhere on the sidewalk in front of my house.
I want them gone but not killed--I love animals.
But get rid of them.
They're gross.
But make sure they're happy but not too happy.
Well, we're on it, because "No problem too small.
" So what now? Well, I have about 30 more people who want to come into my office and complain to my face.
- Leslie Knope! - Oh! Ann Perkins.
Mm.
How's the recall fight going? This person-to-person campaigning is kind of wearing me down.
Well, as a wise woman once said to me, "Ann, you cunning, pliable, chestnut-haired sunfish, phase 26 is the key to my plan.
" Good memory, sunfish.
Let's press on.
I have to come up with some solution for this slug problem.
Someone has a slug infestation? Boy, oh, boy, we live interesting lives, filled with unexpected challenges.
Life is precious, and every day is a miracle.
Okay.
What a freak.
Things with me and Chris are going really well.
We spend every day together, and we're having so much fun.
And check this out.
Oh, no, there's no ring.
We just had manicures together recently.
Sorry, that was misleading.
Ah, Mr.
Haverford, back again, I see.
What the hell, man? This looks exactly like my store! I know.
My client is a very determined businessman.
When he rips someone off, he goes all the way.
You see, you are Hydrox, Mr.
Haverford.
We are Oreo.
Your mysterious, unnamed client seems like a pretty intense guy.
I am impressed by how quickly he was able to move such a large amount of merchandise.
- Mm.
- He must be one heck of a transporter.
My client is not Jason Statham, if that's what you're thinking.
Some mysterious big shot investor has opened up a store directly across the street from rent-a-swag to try to put me out of business.
I'm not worried, though.
I've poured my heart and soul into my store.
I'm sure this guy's just looking for a place to store all his NBA championship trophies.
- It's not Lebron James.
- Damn.
Well, I hate to say this, gang, but I don't think "No problem too small" is working.
I mean, there's been no press coverage, no change in my poll numbers.
I agree, we need something massive and attention-getting, something that will grab people by the ears, yell at them through a bullhorn, and hit them like a bolt of lightning.
- I got it! - What is it? Oh, no, I just-- I got a fly.
I have something.
Remember phase 13, "Think outside of the box"? Of course.
It was an amazing phase.
Easily a top five phase.
Well, I thought outside of the box, and I nominated you for this big award.
It's called "The International Coalition of Women in Government," and you won.
There's, like, five winners, and you get a big trophy or something.
Oh, my God, this is real.
I just assumed you were lying.
Thank you, but yeah, it's real.
Ann Richards won it once, and Janet Napolitano, I think.
Janet Napoli-fraking-tano? Oh, my God.
This is amazing and perfect.
This is exactly the kind of big, splashy thing that's gonna get the voters' attention.
When is the ceremony? - Next monthin London.
- London? - London? - We're going to London? We're going to London, you guys! I can't believe we're at Hogwarts! No, that's Buckingham Palace.
Hogwarts is fictional.
Do you know that? It's important to me that you know that.
Okay, guys, we are going to be sightseeing today.
Andy and Ben are gonna go to their meeting, and then we're gonna go back to the hotel for lunch, and I will spend the day getting to know London's history.
History began on July 4, 1776.
Everything before that was a mistake.
Diane suggested we "tag along to London" for a honeymoon.
I agreed, because my love for her trumps my hatred for Europe.
Then she hit a phase of morning sickness that knocked her for a loop and decided to stay home, but she insisted I go and take pictures for her.
All of this could have been avoided if we'd followed my plan for a honeymoon: a steak dinner, a glass of Lagavulin whiskey, then vigorous lovemaking for two hours, and we're both asleep by 8:30.
Hey, Leslie, we're gonna head to the meeting.
Are you okay? Yeah, I know it's weird, but I kind of feel bad about leaving Pawnee.
It's like leaving my kid at home without a babysitter.
Leslie, you're in London.
You're 4,000 miles away from home.
- Try to enjoy this, okay? - Yeah, you're right, as usual.
Good luck.
Ooh, hey boss man, I want to go home early.
Ooh, hold on, actually.
Hang on.
Yeah, no.
I want to quit and never come here again.
Okay, bye.
I can't believe I used to date you! Tommy Pickles! You see there's a better version of your store across the street? And those guys are giving out free pizza with "papperonas.
" I know, man.
That's my competition.
They're trying to put me out of business, and it's working.
Three weeks ago, this place was hopping.
My clothes were flying off the rack.
I was spreading swag around town like a killer swag virus.
Now, look at this place.
It's dead! What am I gonna do? It's like I always say, okay? When life gives you lemons, you sell some of your grandma's jewelry, and you go clubbing.
That's not a good piece of advice.
So I'ma throw up.
I ate too much cheese.
I'll talk to you! I need some better friends.
So the only thing you did was stop drinking beer? Yeah, I lost 50 pounds in one month.
How much beer were you drinking? I know, right? Probably too much.
Andy and I are meeting with an English charity foundation to expand our after-school music program, and British people love me.
There was this British kid in my high school who always called me "Big Ben" and would punch me really hard on the arm, and go, "Bong! Bong! Bo--" Oh, he might have hated me.
Real quick, should I do a British accent? - Um, I'm gonna say no.
- You sure? - Yeah.
- I can do one.
It's not very good, but I think I could pull it off.
I just feel like he's gonna get upset when he finds out that we're American.
He knows we're American.
Ugh, great.
All right, well, I guess we'll take the meeting anyway.
After all, we did come all the way down under.
No.
Lord Covington, I'm Ben Wyatt.
This is Andy Dwyer, and it is an honor to meet you, sir.
Well, it's nice to meet you too.
However, the proper mode of address would be "Your Royal Excellency, Lord Edgar Darby Covington, "14th Earl of Cornwall-upon-Thames, of Hertfordshire.
" No, no, no, I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
- Oh! - Please, call me Eddie.
Oh, thank God.
I knew that other name must have been a stupid joke.
Andy-- No, no, no, no, he's absolutely right, it's an absurd name.
Well, I'm excited to hear about your musical charity idea.
- Shall we? - Yeah.
The Notting Hill bus tour starts at 2:00, the Love Actually bus tour starts at 2:30, and--oh, the Bridget Jones bus tour starts at 2:30 also.
What do we do? Ron, your pick.
Look, a clock.
We don't have that in America.
You call that a tower? Try the Sears Tower, friend.
"London at night.
" That is very funny.
Can I help you, sir? Yes.
I will take this.
We don't accept American currency, sir.
Of course you do.
That's the most wonderful piece of paper in the world.
Accept it.
Very sorry, sir.
Fine.
Enjoy the fact that your royal overlords are a frail, old woman and a tiny baby.
You really think this will work, Donna? Why wouldn't it? We just pull the business license-- it's public information-- and then at least you'll have an address.
Ooh, here.
Hmm, some kind of shady, fake shell corporation - called "Open 4 Business, LLC.
" - Thanks, Donna.
Hey, if it's Akon and y'all become best friends, I want a ride on his plane.
- Done and done.
- Nice.
"1020 Maple Street.
" Ann and Chris? What are they doing here? Sir, you can't go in there! Aha! I caught you! - Hey, it's Tom! - What the hell are you doing? What am I doing? What are you doing here? Dr.
Saperstein is giving me a sonogram, in his doctor's office, for women, because I'm pregnant! Oh, my God.
- You're Jean-Ralphio's dad! - Mm-hmm.
You're the one that's trying to put me out of business! Well, look at that, Mr.
Haverford.
You tracked me down.
Looks like your detective skills are a lot better than your tween, high-end fashion rental skills.
Ann, Chris, can we have the room, please? No, you certainly cannot.
Dr.
Saperstein, why are you doing this? What did I ever do to you? You know exactly why I'm doing this.
You destroyed my family.
First, you screwed my son out of your business, and then you stole my daughter's virginity.
Wait, you're serious? Deadly serious.
According to my daughter, you broke her heart.
Then you smashed up her BMW.
I had to buy her a new one, so she could drive to Divinity School.
Let me tell you something, mister.
You attack a Saperstein, you face my wrath.
Be so sure about this, Tiny Tom, that I will crush you like the bug you are And there it is, the heartbeat.
- Ohh.
- Everything sounds perfect.
Ohh.
This is the moment we were dreaming of: you and me and our baby.
And Tom and his weird feud with our doctor.
So this after-school music program has been really successful in Pawnee, and we've expanded it to eight other towns in Indiana, but we feel with your help, we can-- Whoa! Are those-- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Are those remote control helicopters? - Yeah.
- What? I got them as a gift.
I bought them for one of my nephews, - and then I decided to keep them.
- Yeah.
Would you like to play with them? Oh, would I? I call blue one! I call the-- oh.
Okay, you get the blue one.
Andy, we are guests of Lord Covington.
Maybe you should let him play with the blue helicopter.
What are you talking about, dude? - I called it.
- He called it.
- That's the rule.
- That's the rule.
Anyway, the orange one's better.
- What? - Come on.
Aah! Hey, get off! Okay, watch out! Watch out! - Agh! - Ohh! Dude, awesome.
I think I broke mine! - Oh, bummer.
- So, like, you your family owns all this stuff? Well, no, not everything.
We own that building, that one, that house, that round thing, that one.
We don't own that.
Oh, no, actually, we do own that.
What else does your family own? Well, um, have you heard of Scotland? As I was saying, we've really made this music program work in Indiana, and we think, with your help, we could turn this into a wide-reaching international program.
Oh, you know what I want? Ice cream.
Do you guys have that here, ice cream? Oh, it's so good.
You have to get it.
It's, like, scoops, and it comes on a cone.
- Yeah.
- Do you have that here? - We have it.
Of course we-- - You have it? Where do you think you are, the moon? - That'd be awesome if we were.
- Yeah.
Can we get some? Could we do--could we have some? Could we? Sure.
Yeah.
- Let's go.
- Just what do I do with this? Just throw it there.
Roger will pick it up.
Oh.
"So I long for a day "when women in government will simply be seen "as people in government, but until then, "I will work to make Pawnee, my wonderful hometown, as good as it can be.
" What do you think? I think you should lose the first line and the last line and all of the other lines, and instead, just walk up to the mic and meow really loudly for eight minutes.
Okay, this trip is amazing, but I miss Pawnee, you know? I want to know what's happening there.
One little news blast wouldn't hurt.
Welcome to The Final Word With Perd.
Ms.
Pinewood, there is a thing you are doing, and that thing is you are leading a recall vote against Councilwoman Knope, and you say you have new, shocking allegations about her.
What? What now? Perd, I take no pleasure in reporting this, but it must come to light.
We are here, trying to make Pawnee better, and where is Leslie Knope? She's gallivanting around Europe like some kind of European.
How--how did they get that picture so Facebook.
- But I just put-- - Facebook.
- But isn't it a-- - Facebook.
Apparently, she can't be bothered to stay here in Pawnee, not when there's Europe to gallivant around in.
Well, we conducted a Perd poll and asked this question: not be in Europe, and 35% said they were confused by the way the question was posed.
Oh, my God.
You're leaving tonight? I can't believe there's even a flight? Well, not to Indiana, but there's a 9:00 red-eye to Lisbon, and then I can catch the 4:30 A.
M.
back to Edinburgh, connect through Houston, head on up to Cincinnati and then rent a car, drive around 90, and I'll be home two hours earlier than if I flew home as planned.
Easy breezy! Leslie, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I do not think you should leave Europe right now.
You flew all this way.
Have some perspective.
You have some perspective! I'm sorry.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I'm stressed.
Okay, I need to calm down.
Let's go walk past Colin Firth's house again.
Ugh, who is that? Hold up.
My dad said that? Yeah, Jean-Ralphio.
He told me that I had screwed you - out of my business - What? So he was gonna screw me back.
Any idea why he'd believe such a thing? That is so weird.
That is so-- oh, you know what? Honestly, now that I'm thinking about it, this may be it.
I actually told him that Rent-A-Swag was my idea and that you had stole it from me.
Why would you say that? Because my dad is always riding me for never having a job, and I just didn't want to show that I blew it again.
Ohand I don't know if this is relevant - Hmm.
- But I told him that you made me sign up for a bunch of credit cards and then max them out by buying illegal white jaguar fur coats.
That's probably not relevant, though.
It's probably not relevant, though.
- I don't know-- - I guess-- All this lying about me stops now! - Hmm.
- This is my life.
Please, one of you has to tell him the truth.
- Not it! - Not it! Ooh, you got me! Whoa ho! Uh-oh, uh-oh! - Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.
- Uh-oh.
Okay, fine.
You know what? I'm gonna do the unthinkable.
I'm gonna have a short, honest conversation with my father.
Thank you.
Oh, that's a big cheering section.
Okay, that's Khongordzol, from Mongolia.
She grew up in a hut that was entirely made of ice and mud, then she became their mayor, then their police chief and their best Wolverine Wrangler.
I love her.
Oh, hi.
You must be Leslie Knope.
I'm Ulee Danssen.
I'm one of the honorees.
Wow, look at your face.
What? - It's just so symmetrical.
- Oh, thanks! You know, we all have that in Denmark.
Oh, you're from Denmark, of course.
Wow, what part of Denmark are you from? I'm from Silkeborg.
You know.
It's not one of the most perfect places in the world, but I love it, and it loves me.
And look what they've done for me.
- They made a statue of you! - Yes.
Wow.
Is that goat cheese? Good cheese eye, Leslie.
It is made out of goat cheese.
We have a lot of it, and after tonight's event, they're going to consume me with crackers.
They just love me.
What about your town? Well, Pawnee, Indiana, is a wonderful town, and I love it, but they hate me.
And they're trying to kick me out of office.
One time, they made a pinata of my face, and then everybody in the town came and took turns hitting it with a stick, and they filled it with broccoli, just to add insult to injury but politics you know what I mean, right? I don't, no.
So you're from Mongolia? Will you take me with you when you go back there? I love you.
Hmm.
Did you understand that? Did you bring any wolverines? Say it again.
Say it again.
Alu-min-ium.
Okay, okay.
You say it.
You say it.
You say it.
It's "alumilum.
" - "Alumilum"? - Okay.
- Alumilum! - Uh, Eddie if you'd like me to talk more about the program, - I would be happy to - Mm-hmm.
But my wife is receiving an award in just a few minutes, and I really need to get over there.
Yes, of course.
The thing is, I don't know what I'm doing.
- Me neither.
- I'm sorry? My family has a huge amount of money.
We live in a castle that has 1,000 acres of land.
Our hedge maze is so vast, once, I got lost in there for two days.
What? That's awesome.
It was awesome.
There was a statue of a lion inside, and I found a yo-yo.
Well, do you-- do you have it here? - Guys-- - The point is, I started this foundation in order to do something good with our money, and I've heard hundreds of charity pitches, and I honestly don't know whether they're good or bad.
If I may, ours is great.
Brilliant! I'm in.
What? Are you serious? Yeah.
I like you, I like music.
On one condition: I want you to stay here in London with me for no more than three months, to help me get it up and running and tell me what to do.
Oh, well, that actually may be tough.
I mean, my wife is in the middle of this recall fight, and I really need to-- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, I meant Andy.
I want Andy to stay.
Is that a goose that just flew by the window? Oh, it's a plastic bag.
Did you see that? Wait, did I interrupt? What are you guys talking about? Let's see if it was a goose.
I think it could have been, honest to God.
Silkeborg is wonderful, and I am very supported and loved.
Once, on my birthday, the town trained a reindeer to do a dance for me.
It was beautiful, and the reindeer was delicious.
- Hey.
- Hey! How was your meeting? Good.
I'll fill you in later.
Are you ready for your speech? Uhyeah.
Yeah.
Thank you, Ulee.
It is so inspiring to hear stories of powerful women who are held in high esteem by their hometowns.
Now, from the hometown of Pawnee, Indiana, in the United States, Leslie Knope.
First let me say, it is a true honor to be here among these amazing women.
You all inspire me with your accomplishments and the things you have done for your hometowns and the things your hometowns have done for you.
I mean, they're just truly You know, I've been a public servant for a long time.
And you know how I spend my days? Cleaning slime out of rivers and removing slugs from people's front yards.
And I love my town, but you know how they repay me? By hating me.
They hate me.
They want to recall me.
I wish I could move to Silkeborg and dance with a reindeer.
You're always welcome in Silkeborg! Olga, let's start a statue of Leslie.
See? They like me in Silkeborg more than my own hometown, and I've never even been there.
I love Pawnee, but sometimes it sucks.
The people can be very mean and ungrateful, and they cling to their fried dough and their big sodas, and then they get mad at me when their pants don't fit.
You know, I'm sick of it.
Pawnee is filled with a bunch of pee-pee-heads.
Thank you very much for this amazing award.
I'm sorry I said "pee-pee-heads.
" Whoo! That's my boss! That speech was a little rough, don't you think? Whatever, it's how I feel.
Stupid, ungrateful town.
Plus, you said it yourself: We're 4,000 miles away.
- Hello.
- Leslie, it's Jerry.
Jerry who? Gergich.
Jer--oh, Jerry.
Jerry, why are you calling me? I don't want to waste my international minutes.
Leslie, your speech was webcast, here in Pawnee.
Everyone saw it.
What do you mean, "everyone"? I had organized a big viewing party, you know, to support you, and, well, now that Kathryn Pinewood lady, she's already pounced.
She's calling it the "Pee-pee-head" speech.
- Bloody hell, Jerry! - So how's Lond-- I just never thought that I would get to make this announcement.
It's a very special day.
Okay.
Hi, Donna.
So You're pregnant.
Oh, man, Tom told you.
Nope.
You're drinking decaf coffee, which you usually only do in the afternoon, you're wearing an empire-waist dress and loose shoes 'cause your feet are already swelling.
I'd put you at nine, maybe ten weeks.
My goodness, you're observant.
Yes, I am.
Yes, I am.
Hmm.
When did you make the switch to boxer briefs? Yesterday.
Okay, please stop looking at him.
Why are we here? Just thought you needed some fresh air, even if that air is filled with the foul stench of European socialism.
You know, I know I am supposed to feel bad about what I said, but I do not.
Pawnee has really been pissing me off lately.
Leslie, for God's sake, you're the adult here.
When your kid screams "I hate you," you don't sink to his level and yell "I hate you" back.
You have to be the grown-up.
You're right.
I know.
I have to be the grown-up.
But it's so hard! Ron! God! And nobody ever thanks you.
You choose a thankless job, you can't be upset when nobody thanks you.
And by the way, April thanked you.
She nominated you for this award.
Well, April does that all the time.
She nominated Ann for Motocross Driver of the Year award just so she could get a rejection letter.
April respects you, and so do many others.
Don't start chasing applause and acclaim.
That way lies madness.
Oh, I almost forgot.
I finally got you a proper wedding gift, part one of many.
A train ticket? You think I want to extend my stay on this godforsaken continent? Yes, you do.
If you follow that itinerary to the letter, I promise you, you will not be disappointed.
Well, I would offer to buy you a drink, but where the hell would that even happen? This is London, Ron.
There's a pub over there, there's a pub over there, there's a pub between those two butcher shops.
Let's go to that one, but we'll be stopping in those two butcher shops first.
Hey, Jerry.
I didn't know you were working today.
Yeah, Ron asked me to come in while he's away.
Of course, I had to cancel my cardiologist appoint-- That's great.
Now, here's a piece of information that is interesting.
Ann is pregnant, and it's my baby.
Oh, my God, that's wonderful news! Oh, there's so much in front of you.
I mean, soon you're gonna start showing, and then your clothes will feel tight, and then, oh, people are gonna start rubbing your tummy all the time! That sounds terrible.
Well, Gayle, she got really queasy, and I gained a lot of sympathy weight.
Yeah.
You know, actually, before my kids, I looked a lot like you, Chris.
I'm very sad.
Please stop talking.
And, of course, pretty soon, Ann, your milk is gonna come in.
- Ohh.
- That is exciting.
Mmm.
Yep, and it happens sooner than you'd think.
The babies can sense it.
You would be shocked, 'cause they are rooting around for that nipple.
Mm, mm.
Gimme, gimme.
Mm, mm, mm.
I want milk! Mm, mm, mm, mm.
Ohh.
Life is a miracle.
Mm, mm, mm.
So it's kind of awesome that the Lord Fancyface Guy wants you to stay.
Yeah, I guess.
I mean, I can't do it, obviously.
Why? I don't even know what I would be doing.
I mean, besides, this is England.
Everything is so weird.
It's all different.
Yeah, like how they drive on the other side of the road.
Do they? I'll be damned.
Yeah, like that.
That's what I'm-- exactly what I'm talking about.
Or like the Piccadilly Circus we went to? Not even a circus.
There's no elephants, there was no cotton candy, there's no clowns.
One bearded lady.
She got all rude when I marveled at her.
Do you like the Lord Fancyface Guy? Oh, he's awesome.
He's everything you would want in a boss.
I mean, remote control helicopters, talks funny.
Total package.
I think you should do it.
When are you gonna have another opportunity like this? - I mean-- - And, plus, we can deal with the distance, okay? Remember, I was in Washington last year.
He said he wanted me to head up the company.
I have no idea how to run a nonprofit.
Hey.
You shined shoes for over two years and never made a profit.
Come on, you can hack this.
I believe in you.
But to replace you, I am going to have to build a scarecrow replica of you and take it to the movies.
Seems like the only logical solution.
My point is, Ethel, that Ann's pregnant.
And I'm the baby daddy! How wonderful for you.
You don't seem very excited for us.
I barely know you, and I don't have to talk to you unless it's about work.
Man, I thought this would be more satisfying.
I agree.
Wait a minute, what time is it? Has she landed yet? Oh, I'm so happy for you guys! Ohh, this is the greatest day in the history of days.
This day, a thousand years from now, will be celebrated as the beginning of a new and better human race.
I am so happy for you, I'm never letting you go.
I am not gonna let you go.
Oh, oh, oh, eventually, she's going to have to go back to work.
Are you sure you should be working? I mean, you should be resting and getting fluids and-- and cold compresses and greasy foods.
That's for a hangover.
Right, yeah, of course.
I'm so goofed-up right now.
I'm so jet-lagged.
I took a sleeping pill on the plane, and then I changed my mind, so I took this thing called "Zapvigil," which, apparently, is what Israeli fighter pilots use to stay awake.
So right now, it looks like I'm talking to a giant crab.
Stay away from me, crab! I'm just kidding.
I know it's Ann.
We are so glad you're back.
We talked to, like, 50 people, and, frankly, not one of them gave us the reaction that we were hoping for.
And your reaction, from someone we love so much, I mean, it just makes up for all the other ones.
- Ohh.
- Anyway, welcome home! Don't pinch me! Thank you all for coming, and let me just say how truly, deeply trill it is to be standing in this dope-ass conference room, addressing a group of people in a business meeting.
It's really a dream come true.
Right now, I want to turn the floor over to Jean-Ralphio, who has something to say.
Tom, lawyer guy daddy Tom did not screw me out of the company.
He gave me every opportunity to jump in at the ground floor, and I said no, not because I thought it was a bad idea, but because-- and this is very important-- I really didn't care about what was happening.
So why, exactly, did you lie when I asked you what had happened? Daddy-D! Daddy, come on, I lie to you all the time! All those math camps I said I went to? I don't even know what a math camp is! So all those postcards that you sent me, all those trophies that you'd won Trophies I bought I also have something to say.
I have done nothing wrong, ever, in my life.
I know this and I love you.
I love you too, daddy.
Money, please! My money.
Dr.
Saperstein, your son is my best friend.
- Yeah.
- He's like a brother to me.
But he's a disaster, and your daughter seriously needs to be locked up in some sort of insane asylum.
- Mm.
- On an island - Ooh.
- In space.
Hold on These two have been huge disappointments to me.
Come on, you love us.
Tell me you love us, and then admit this guy looks like Beaker from the Muppets.
Dad! Me, me, me, me, me, me, me! But seriously, what are we doing here, though? - What are we doing here, dad? - Like, what is this? - Why are we here? - So So now you know the truth.
Will you back off? No, I will not stop.
Yes, this all started as vengeance for my children, but the company is making money now.
Why would I back off just 'cause these nincompoops lie to me all the time? No, I'm not gonna back off.
I'm gonna continue, and I'm gonna crush you! All right, you two, are you in for dinner tomorrow night? - Yes! - Yes, daddy.
Huh? Blow me a kiss.
Mwah! - Mwah.
- Caught it.
I love you, daddy! - Me too.
- I love you, daddy! Hey, are you gonna be okay with Andy gone? Yeah, we'll be fine.
Are you gonna be okay with Ben still here? - April - What? I don't trust him.
I never have.
- He's after your money.
- Hey, Gretel! Hello, it's me, City Councilwoman Leslie Knope.
And me, Odie the dog, Garfield's enemy.
Now, we have some great news: we were in London, and we met a wonderful woman from Mongolia.
Yeah, her name was Khongordzol, and I love her more than anything in the world.
Khongordzol and Odie, here, were emailing, and she recommended a very humane way to get rid of slugs.
You sprinkle coffee grounds on the affected area, and it drives the slugs away.
Isn't that great? I didn't want all the slugs gone.
I wanted most of them gone! Sorry.
Well, we'll put one slug back.
Either way, your problem is solved.
Oh, my God, that lady is the worst.
She didn't even say thank you.
That's not why we do this, April.
We do it because it's good and it helps people, not to get the applause.
Yeah, but doesn't that bum you out? Well, sure, it would be nice if just one person appreciated my work, at all.
But that's the job-- wiping slime and shoveling slugs.
All right.
On to the next complaint.
Where the hell are you sending me, Knope? Morning, cutie.
Morning, Jessica.
Whoa.
These were a gift from your British friend, Lord Edgar Covington.
He was very impressed with you two.
He sounded rich on the phone.
I think he was calling me from a helicopter.
Could be.
He owns two.
So Andy's gonna stay there for three months.
I hope he's okay.
He sent me an email this morning.
I guess he got on the wrong train on the way to work and got lost.
Yeah, this isn't right.
None of this looks familiar.
Eddie? Uh-oh, Spaghettios.
Oh, don't worry, I'm sure he'll adjust.
No, I named that dog Spaghettios, and he just pooped in your briefcase.
Oh, my.
Okay.
Come on, Sugarbutt! Oh, which one's Sugarbutt? That's you! Come on.
We got a board meeting, Sugarbutt.
Wildly inappropriate.
Do you think there's any chance your dad will give up? I doubt it.
He never gives up on anything, except for my mom.
When she turned 30, he was like, "Get out!" Maybe I should just throw in the towel.
Your dad'll destroy me.
I'll be left with nothing.
Thought I was a better-looking version of Zuckerberg.
Turns out I'm the better-looking version of the Winklevoss twins.
First of all, unbelievable analogy.
Second of all, what are you talking about, man? You're Tommy Haverford! You're an idea man.
When Babyface was your age, he hadn't even signed Toni Braxton yet, let alone Usher.
You're right.
I mean, I'm basically Babyface.
You're basically Babyface! Okay, I'm gonna keep going, and I'm gonna beat your dad.
That's what I'm talking about! And for me, it's a win-win either way.
Either my best friend emerges triumphant, or my dad beats you, and I get all that money when he dies.
I'm actually getting dinner with my dad right now.
- You want to come? - No! I mean, this is all pretty overwhelming, you know? You know what I just read? Right now, our baby is the size of a green olive.
Isn't that wild? It is.
A green olive.
A little high in sodium.
I would have preferred a chickpea or a cherry tomato.
- Our baby's not a salad.
- Yes, right.
It's just weird, you know? I mean, for so long, this little green olive was just our thing, and now it's everyone's thing.
Every time Jerry looks at me, he's thinking about the milk in my boobs.
It's still just our thing.
It'll always be just our thing.
That's why it's so wonderful and why we'll love it so much.
You know, Olive's kind of a cute name, if it's a girl.
I prefer "Chickpea.
" Because it's lower in sodium? - Yes, exactly.
- Okay.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Are you leaving? Well, I just have to get a jump start on my next phase.
Let's see, it is "48-Hour Roadkill Scrape-athon.
" Oh, brother.
Okay, well, before you go, I have something for you.
I feel like you're getting sad about how stupid and lame people are, and that is my job, not yours.
So I'm gonna read this letter to you, out loud, but if you hug me afterwards, I swear to God, I'll scream and pull my hair out and maybe punch you in the face.
- Okay? - Okay.
Please sit.
"Dear award committee members" Leslie, I didn't even start.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Go ahead.
"Dear award committee members, "where I live, there are a lot of apathetic people, "people who don't care at all about what they do "or how they do it.
"They let the world wash over them "and barely notice anyone else is even there.
"Leslie Knope is not one of these people.
"She cares about everything and everyone in our town.
"I don't know how she does it.
"People come to her with the pettiest, "stupidest problems, "and she cares-- like, really, actually cares-- "what happens to them.
"And if you're lucky enough to be her friend, "your life gets better every day.
"She spends every waking moment thinking "of new ways to make her friends happy.
"There is something wonderful about seeing someone "who has found her true purpose on earth.
"For some people, I guess that's being an astronaut "or a hot dog-eating champion.
"For Leslie, her true purpose on earth, her true meaning, "is making people's lives better.
"That's what I love about her, "and that's why she deserves this award.
"Sincerely Satan.
" You're getting hugged right now.
No, I told you not to.
- I'm giving you a hug.
- No! Stay away! No! All my life I've avoided Europe and its multitudes of terribleness.
But it turns out, much to my surprise, there is actually one place in Europe that is worth seeing: these tiny islands off the coast of Scotland, where God's chosen elixirs are distilled, barreled, and prepared for consumption.
This is worth the trip.
"Dear Ron, "you have now reached the cliffsides "overlooking the islands.
"As you sit here and gaze upon the waters, "please read out loud the poem "by the great Scotsman Robert Burns.
Love, Leslie.
" "Oh, were my love yon lilac fair, "with purple blossoms to the spring, "and I, a bird to shelter there, "when wearied on my little wing, "how I would mourn when it was torn "by autumn wild and winter rude, "but I would sing on wanton wing, when youthful may its bloom renewed.
" I don't know what she thought I'd get out of that.
- Nice to be home.
- It is.
But I mean, I love Pawnee, I will always love Pawnee, but London is amazing.
And Silkeborg sounds amazing, and Mongolia sounds amazing.
Their mayor is a professional Wolverine Wrangler.
Fine, Mongolia sounds terrifying, but the world is a very big place, and I've seen very little of it.
Maybe we should travel more, expand our horizons.
You know, I've had the same kinds of thoughts.
We should keep that in mind, see where it leads us.
Yeah.
Oh, there's one more thing I want to try.
Mm.
I got you something in London: a traditional barrister's wig.
- Oh.
- Wear it for me.
- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.
All right.
What's up? No, not sexy.
Failed experiment.
Take it off.
- Okay, just--okay.
- Just take it off.
No.