Rick and Morty (2013) s06e01 Episode Script

Ugh, guess this is how it ends.
I thought I was better than this.
Dramatic voiceover
while stranded in space?
I-I guess when you're dying,
the first thing to go
is your creativity.
Citadel's gone
and and the saucer we
escaped in is out of power
Aw, man, I'm so scared in here.
The extra Mortys went feral.
Eh, some problems solve themselves.
Been drinking a lot.
Morty! I told you to write this down!
I-I don't have a helmet
like that Avengers guy did.
Been drinking a lot of my piss.
Portal gun's still broken.
Guess that was all part
of Evil Morty's plan.
"Evil Morty." Can we stop
flattering this guy?
His "plan" was to monologue
and fuck off.
He basically threw a tantrum
to announce he was quitting Twitter.
Nobody quits Twitter.
Hey, remember like a second ago
when you pretended not to
know who Iron Man was?
- Who was that for?
- Shh, shh, shush, Morty.
This is how we go. Bear it with grace.
Spinal cord Robitussin as
a base, then surprise me.
- Mom!
- Beth maybe!
Is she trying to say something?
We We can't hear you!
How dumb are Beth,
you're in a vacuum!
Sound travels on air! Why am I yelling?
- Wow, great.
- Yeah, that's Wow, really worth it.
That was not worth it!
It's corny. You. Corn.
Dying of starvation here!
-
- Oh, my God. Stop explaining.
Stop explaining!
- Are you finished?
-
She's not finished.
- Oh, real mature, r-real classy.
- Oh, nice.
It was a good line, honey.
I didn't need it to be.
I don't care what you think.
Oh, my God, she found you.
Here, eat, eat, eat.
- Oh, hell yes!
- Hold on, buddy,
our systems could go into
shock from solid food.
Digestibot, convert to nutrient mass.
I'm just gonna risk it.
- Mmm.
- Since when you do you guys get stranded?
- Thank you, by the way.
- Almost left them out there.
Portal travel's broken.
Mmm, are these heirloom tomatoes?
Digestibot, try these.
- Yum. Yum.
- So you can't hop realities anymore.
Does that mean you'll finally
have to wash your robe?
Good point, I need to reboot
the portal index immediately.
Basically just a hard
reset on the fluid.
Hold tight, the Earth's
gonna shake a bit.
- Um
- Oh!
- Ohh, shit.
- Wait, what? W-What's happening?
Instead of resetting portal travel,
I may have reset portal travelers.
Too late to apologize.
Rick, why am I pulsing green?
And don't say you don't know
because you're pulsing green.
Rick, are we about to die?
No, we're about to vanish
from this reality.
- That's totally dying!
- No, it isn't.
It's everyone from this reality
returning to their reality of origin.
- Back to our original universes?
- I explained it fine, Morty.
You're spoonfeeding spoons!
- W-Where's Summer?
- Oh, nice, you guys are back. Whoa.
Summer, three of us are
one-way blind hopping.
You gotta help us get back.
There's a protocol for this
in your chore server,
filename Booger AIDS.
Every file is Booger AIDS!
I-I hate naming things!
Just search for words like "one
way blind hop reset nav beacon."
Why do I have a "reality of origin?"
There's no time to explain, Jerry!
Counting on you, Summer!
One way blind hop beacon protocol!
Here we gooooo!
So there was time to explain.
Don't waste extra precious seconds
with your pettiness, Jerry!
Summer, let's run down
One way blind hop reset
beacon booger AIDS.
Cool.
- Wow.
- There was so much time to explain!
Yes! Fine, hindsight is 20-20!
Who has ever taken this long to vanish?
How did I end up not
in my own universe?!
Oh, my God. The Jerryboree!
- Ohhhhhhhh, the Jerryboree.
- Ohhhhhhhh, the Jerryboree.
Deep cut.
Wait, but where's our real
Dad and our real Morty?
Buried in the backyard!
That's what the possums are after.
Dad's got you in the
family business too, huh?
Yeah, Morty's an easy mark,
but Rick pays me in things like
Wolverine claws.
Whelp, looks like you got this.
See you guys in another two years?
Or you could stick around for this one?
Looks like it involves
Grandpa's grody citadel.
We could, you know,
break things, loot stuff.
Should probably get back
to saving the galaxy.
Please!
Uh Guess I could loot some stuff.
Fine, yeah, okay, let's make it quick.
Awesome, I've never been. Let's do this.
Okay, adventure family! Whoo!
Uh, okay.
Fuck.
Excuse me? Bro, Ricks
don't pass on this.
Rick? Is that you?
Yeah Diane.
You've been gone so long.
- Did you find our daughter's killer?
- Not yet, sorry. Still looking.
You'll find him.
You always do everything
you set your mind to.
Except keep your family alive.
But that was hardly your fault!
Mute.
If I could be muted,
I wouldn't be too-too-too
good at haunting you,
would I, you dirty bear?
Yeah, forgot I wanted to be haunted.
I guess you predicted you might.
That's where haunting
comes in handy, huh?
Very good point, sugar.
Rick?
Hello? Original family?
Sorry about last time.
Rick, he was in space prison.
W-We couldn't just hello?
Aw, geez.
Ahh.
Ah, fuck.
Damn it, Morty, there's
no doctors anymore.
Dad?
Figures it's underwhelming
the one time I visit.
Yeah, sorry,
usually there's cowboy
Rick and Mortys and stuff.
Oh, looks like they could use
a couple repairman
Rick and Mortys, right?
Oh, tight, little scavenger dudes!
If they shoot at us, I'm allowed to
do this.
Shit, yeah!
Space Mom, get in on this!
Cool Mom!
Let's keep it moving.
I don't have all day.
I got it!
I got it! I got it!
Sorry!
Sorry!
I got it. Sorry!
I was gonna do it.
Ugh. Terrestrials, am I right?
I kept up the search in your absence.
You want a new list of
potential locations?
You're always just one room away, huh?
Yeah, uh, remember?
You thought if you could
see or touch me,
it might give you a level
of com-com-comfort.
Right. Can't have that.
Come on, Summer.
Who's Summer? Should I be jealous?
I hope Summer knows what
happens to the people you love!
Hey, Rick!
Hey, Mr. Goldmanbachmajorian.
S-Still alive, huh? W-What's up?
I was wondering if you could
help me make sense of a note
I found this morning?
It's written by someone
claiming to be me.
They say my mind is held
captive in a time loop,
trapped in the day of a traumatic event
by the agony of a
formidable intelligence.
But also that my captor
forgot about aging
that my body spoils and yearns for death
while my soul remains stuck in place,
caught like a fly in amber.
Right. I used to drink drink.
- Uh, no clue, pal.
- That's okay.
I found other notes in
the trash just like it.
Poor weirdo. I pity them.
Wish they could let go and move on.
- Sounds healthy.
- Sure would be!
Ohhhhhh!
Sweet death.
Was that symbolic?
Are you letting go?
I understand, baby. I forgive you
You don't get to say that!
You're not her.
You're a thing I built
to torture myself.
This whole fucking timeline is cursed.
I gotta get out of here.
Because you want to move on.
Because I don't.
And I have to.
I came back on accident.
Guy I'm looking for, he's
he's not findable, Diane.
I live with a version of Beth, now.
Sounds like a version of nice.
We have grandkids. Tha
That's who Summer is.
She's gonna get me out of here.
She reminds me of you.
Oh, really? Is she dead too?
Bye, Diane.
You're not honestly
gonna fly into that rift
without coordinates, are you?
Don't give up on us, Rick!
I don't make the rules!
Haunters gonna haunt!
Baby? Are you killing yourself?
I'm more embracing the
"win-win" of risking my life.
- Where's Mom and Summer?
- Oh, they're gone.
- Sorry, Morty.
- Gone gone?
We spent a long time in that ice.
A gentle mutant licked us out,
but Beth got sick, and Summer
didn't thaw right.
With no one left to blame,
I finally had to deal with myself.
Buried my grief at Barnes & Noble.
"Four Agreements," "Eat Pray Love,"
Frank Miller's "The
Dark Knight Returns."
Learned to accept things
for what they are.
In a few of these, the
whole brain is still intact.
Makes you wonder if some
people were still in there,
just trapped in the horror.
Anyway, it's awesome protein.
I'm so sorry, Dad.
But my real, original Dad
beat the apocalypse.
I-I-I guess we all underestimated you.
Hey, w-what's that game we always
used to try to play as a family,
y the one we never finished?
- Downbeat.
- Yes! Let's play Downbeat.
I-I bet I can find it!
We can finish now.
Yeah, you should totally do that.
Hey, yeah, cool, I-I got it!
We'll play Downbeat and
we'll we'll camp here tonight
and then rebuild the house.
You know, we got food, fresh water,
and we've got family.
The fuck?
Morty. I wrote this note in advance
in case you're wondering
how I left so fast.
My plan is to wait for
you to turn your back,
then I'm going to grab
all your shit and split.
Depending on how long
you were out of the room,
you'll probably be thinking
I can't be that far away
and you'll want to foll
Morty, wrote this fast
'cause had to set trap.
Thought you'd have cooler shit.
- See other note, bye.
- Motherfu
Whoa-whoa! Slow down! Slow down!
Not cool! Oh!
What the hell, Dad?
Don't take it personal, Morty.
That's one of the Four Agreements.
I don't remember the other three,
but I know Commissioner Gordon
was cool with Batman moving on.
Batman doesn't abandon people!
You abandoned us.
I deserve that.
But, you know, it it improved you.
Oh, am I cool enough for you now?
Well, that was easy.
It only cost me fucking everything.
- Whoa, hey, I-I
- You came back and talked about us
like we weren't people, Morty!
Then you bailed and left us to freeze!
I-I was apologizing for that earlier
Your mom and sister died, Morty!
And I moved on.
From caring.
And that is the best
deal you will ever get.
- So take it.
- Please don't go.
I-If Rick comes back, we ca
we can find you a new reality,
a new Mom, new Summer, a job!
Oh, you don't get it, kid.
Except for this conversation,
my life is perfect.
Rick was always right.
Everyone needs to let go.
Aww, you came back.
I guess we really did form a bond.
Ow! Hey, stop it!
Get away from me! No, help!
All right, pin dropped, Grandpa!
Come and get us.
Come on, come on, come on!
Baby? Something to keep in mind
If you were pulled home
by whatever happened,
it's likely our target was, as well.
It's also likely he's having as
much trouble leaving as you are.
He's trapped.
- Grandpa!
- Oh, fuck yes!
Grandpa Grandpa?
Summer! Gold star,
always believed in you.
- N-Now the hard part.
- Hard part?
Way worse things than me
can see that beacon, too.
Hunker down and protect
it while I grab Morty.
- Rick out! Try to survive!
- Oh, shit.
Domestic Mom should hide maybe?
- "Domestic Mom"?
- I mean, she's the cool space one.
Look, I'm not looking to get
caught in whatever this is.
You guys can both hide
maybe, hash it out.
Oh, quit talking down! I'm you
with the patience to do laundry.
Mom, stop being jealous of our bond!
She ran from our choices.
I have to parent them.
It's not like I didn't care.
That's what the clone was for.
Aah!
Moms!
- Morty!
- Rick?
I knew it! I knew you wouldn't leave me!
Ow! The fuck?
Morty, did you see another Rick here?
Nondescript haircut, sci-fi jacket?
Eh, of course you didn't
see him, you'd be dead.
Or you'd be a bomb.
Do you feel bomby?
Nah, you woulda blown up by now.
Wasn't the Rick here dead?
Th-That's why you pick places, right?
Uh, well, your Rick, uh, yeah,
not dead, more like not around.
When I met you, I was sorta hoping
he might turn up one day.
You son of a bitch! I got you!
W-W-Where are we going?
To kill your grandpa, little buddy.
Wait, what? I don't understand.
My original Rick killed your family?
And you were just waiting
for him to come back?
Seems like you understand fine, Morty.
That was A+ re-piping.
We're here.
This guy, Morty, he hates being found,
but loves building elaborate shit.
Like Like Like playing
a ton of "Minecraft,"
but all on a private server.
Am I in a fucking K-hole right now?
What is going on?
Whoa, hoho, you found me!
I shoot the first monitor, too.
Listen, I'm not here.
Or am I?
There's the clone you found.
Or maybe it's me, all naked!
Just a Lil Keyser Soze.
I mean, why would I admit it's not?
Oh-hoho, yeah! Look at him!
Look at him go, look at him dance.
O-Or me. Again, it might be me,
like a "Saw" thing. I'm very sneaky.
Here's a bunch of killbots to deal
with while ya wrestle with that.
Obviously, I don't know
who I'm talking to here.
It's all prerecorded.
But if you got this far,
you probably think you're real special.
Tell you what
Oop! There he goes!
Maybe that actually was me!
If you follow him down there,
we can do a big fight.
50% chance I'm not lying.
We're in trouble, asshole!
I shouldn't have to beg.
- Wait, my moms are in trouble?
- Those versions of them are.
W-We gotta save them! Rick,
this is an obvious trap.
If you go down there,
he's just gonna kill you.
- Good!
- What?
Now what?!
If you don't care if you die,
why do you care if I die?
Knock it off! Get out of here!
You did this last season!
You're like a suicide bomber!
Takes one to know one.
Yeah, well, you get it from him, not me.
I don't know him.
You're my grandpa, Rick.
Rick and Morty. A hundred years.
This place totally might
go up, by the way.
Here's a bunch of countdowns.
One of them's probably accurate.
Ah, fucking stupid
5th-dimensional stomach juices.
Sorry for the sitcom fight,
and maybe getting us digested.
You've got incredible timing.
Oh, don't be a bitch. I'm parenting.
Makes sense you don't recognize it.
You've been out of practice for a while.
Good! I'm glad that they have you!
I don't want to be "Space Mom."
You've made that clear.
Just don't let Summer mistake your
rejection of her for good taste.
I'm not trying to. It's all her!
Jesus! It'd be cool if
you were around more.
I don't wanna get married.
I'm 17. My affection is the wind.
Don't try to compete for it.
I could hear every word of
that through the helmets.
Thank fuck I only had
to kill most of them.
Jesus, that ship really has sailed.
And now we feast!
This emergency was oversold to me.
- Grandpa!
- Morty!
Moms! Wait, i-if they
had to wear helmets
I do childproofing stuff
while you're asleep.
Why don't you childproof Dad?
- Ah, great reminder.
- Wait!
- Time to get Jerry.
- Ugh.
Maybe I wouldn't be so
uptight If I wasn't married
to an unemployed receptacle
of human fear!
Get a job, Dad, it's been a decade.
Woof. Pretty brutal, Jer.
I-I know a good alligator park
if you wanna kill yourself.
I got expelled today.
- What the hell, Morty?! You got expelled!
- Oh, no, you got expelled.
- Whoa, what a horrible thing.
- You are so fucking dumb!
- Too bad, Morty.
- Hi, hon.
Woof,
some real Season 2 vibes in there,
you know what I'm sayin'?
You know, never thought I'd say this,
but I think I'm glad we
spent that time divorced.
Er, one second.
I'll build a fucking swing
set in the backyard!
You know, I may technically
be from here.
But I'm a goddamn
interdimensional traveler now.
And all of you can kiss my sci-fi ass.
It gets me every time.
Wow, what an amazing joke I just told.
A-And also, what an adventure.
You know, I guess it doesn't
matter where we're from
if we're together, huh?
Good Good final moral thing.
This is everyone's
"original dimension" now.
Great wrap-ups, kids.
- Ugh, you're back.
- Oh, shit, Season 2 Jerry!
Look, before you bust my balls,
can someone help with the shower?
It's colder than Beth
on our anniversary.
Also, look who I found in Rick's room.
Mmmm, I'm Mr. Frundles!
I don't care how cute he is.
We agreed no boogens in the house.
Wait, Season 2 Jerry, don't!
- Whoa!
- Mr. Frundles!
Everybody in the car.
Mmmm, I'm Mr. Frundles!
Wait, but I thought he was Mr. Frundles.
Everybody in the car! Now!
Nyah! Mmmm, I'm Mr. Frundles!
- Mmmm, I'm Mr. Frundles!
- Mmmm, I'm Mr. Frundles!
What the fuck, Dad?!
Why would you bring that
thing into our house?
It was cute! Fuck.
We gotta find a new timeline now!
You know how hard that
shit is without portals?
We gotta do the thing with
the Rift and the beacon again!
The whole fucking
episode all over again!
Car, fabricate some vomit bags.
Can't we just go back and fix it?
Mmmm, I'm Mr. Frundles!
I can't believe portal travel's broken.
I'll get to it when I get to it.
Lift with your knees, Mom.
How many times have you done this?
Oh, God.
And you swear they
die of natural causes?
- Mm-hmm, yep.
- The exact same as our old timeline?
- Even my stuff?
- Bit of a rush job, actually,
so they do say "Parmesan" weird.
- How do they say
- Par-mees-ian.
- Boo.
- Jesus Christ.
I could've left you guys!
You think the concept of
"family" matters to me?
I'm not even your Rick!
- Uh-huh.
- "I'm Denial Rick!"
See you inside, Dad.
Sorry I was such a Dance
Mom about Summer.
- She's your daughter, too.
- No, boundaries are good.
But, uh, speaking of,
maybe I've put up too many.
Is it okay if I come around sometimes?
That could be nice.
- That's a cute outfit.
- The one we always wear?
Yes, Morty?
You promise I'm not, you know, bait?
- T-To make that Rick come back?
- What? M-Morty, for you to be bait,
the guy'd have to value something.
He truly does not give a shit.
He's the real deal.
- Parmeee-san.
- Par-meees-ian.
Par-mees-ian.
- Par Parmeeeeeesian.
- Parmesian.
- Gross. I hate it.
- Yeah.
Hello? Morty?
That one big rat?
- Whoa, this is a development.
- Gah!
Shh. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
Lil guy, easy. You're a Jerry, right?
Never got too close to the concept.
Boy, you have really arc'd out.
Were you putting on pants?
What? Oh, yeah, no, I was
naked to fuck with a guy.
Speaking of, did you talk to me,
- or a little kid around here?
- Maybe. Why?
Because if you hate them, too
I could be down for a little team up.
Eh, I really don't "team up" anymore.
Managing people, such a headache. Aah!
Fatality
Jerry wins.
Oh, goddamn dude. Badass!
Why are you here?
Buddy, I have been asking
myself that exact same question.