Schitt's Creek (2015) s06e01 Episode Script

1 Alexis: (Frustrated grunts) (Struggling grunts) Agh! Agh! Are you sure you don't want any help with that? I fit my high school best friend into a suitcase way smaller than this when we were crossing the border between Laos and Vietnam, so I'm pretty sure I can figure this out.
Ooh, I can't wait to get to the Galapagos and like, breathe the sea air and get my Beach curls back.
Yeah, you've mentioned that a couple times.
Are you still trying to close that thing? - Agh! - Boys, it looks like I won't be able to see that wedding venue with you today, your mother's had a bit of a relapse.
Take it the "Crows" movie is still shelved.
I'm sorry, we've started looking at wedding venues and no one chose to tell me? Touring a wedding venue is an incredibly intimate thing and we wanted to keep it small.
You invited Dad.
Okay, I don't know what that's supposed to mean, Alexis.
Moira: John, something's happening! Coming, Moira.
Don't make any sudden moves.
Okay, you should probably stay here.
- No, you shouldn't - Okay.
(Rattling) John, remind me to reprimand that latch, it's been awfully moody today.
Well, good-good morning, Sweetheart.
Look who's come to see you.
Finally.
I'll have the continental breakfast with the fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice.
- (John chuckles) - Orange Pekoe tea.
No, Moira, Moira, it's - it's David and Patrick.
Um? Don't we have something we want to say? Yes, thank you, John.
Sadly, I won't be able to squire you for today's wedding venue peregrination.
You invited Mom? She's literally been asleep in a closet for a week.
Just know that missing this will be the heavy-hearted part of my day.
Okay, does nobody care that I'm going to be gone for six months? Yes, of course we care, Honey.
- Don't we, Moira? - Take me with you.
Okay.
On that note, I think we should get you out of the room.
Alexis, you are more than welcome - to come see the place with us.
- Thank you.
That actually works out super well for me because you guys can just drive me straight to the airport after.
Hm-hm-hm.
- See what you've done there? - Yeah.
Mhmm.
Out.
Out, out, out.
(Fire alarm beeping) John! Can you turn off your alarm? (Frustrated exhale) David! I've asked you not to over indulge in that smoky cologne, it's enough to give someone a seizure! (Coughing) Is someone vaping? - (Doors rattle) - Oh no, not now! Help! (Panicked) Alexis! No, this is not, this is not how I go! Somebody help! (Coughing) Moira! Oh, Stevie, thank God.
I'm being annulled by a chancy door clasp! Okay, hang on.
Ahhh! Okay, all right, all right, okay.
Up, up.
There we go.
Jeez, Moira, I wait 'til at least 10:30 before I have my first beer.
Oh, my legs are in slumber.
Carry me.
Oh I can't Oh jeez, okay.
Hang on.
(Effort grunt) You know, Moira, if Johnny locked you in that closet, we're going to have to call the police.
Oh wait, wait, wait, wait.
My babies - No, your kids aren't here.
- My girls.
- What girls? - My girls.
- Lorna, second from the left.
- Okay.
If she takes on smoke, she'll never recover.
- Okay, this? This one? - And Cindy! Cindy, below her.
Cindy, I just gave her a blowout.
(Car rumbles) (Engine cuts-out, doors open) Wow.
This place looks nice.
Yeah, it's the only venue for miles that doesn't look like a crime scene from a missing person docu-series.
Uh, so no one thought to tell me I still have my show makeup on? I thought that was a choice.
Yeah, I left Stevie double-fisting drinks in a hot tub at the cabaret wrap party last night.
I think I saw you triple-fisting at one point.
Ah, welcome to Elmbridge Manor, and you must be the happy couple.
- Oh no, not quite.
- God, no.
Oh, ladies, I'm so sorry.
Congratulations.
- Champagne? - Oh, thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- Mhmm, hi.
(Laughs) David Rose.
I'm the one getting married and this is my partner, Patrick.
- Hi.
- So.
Gentlemen, please forgive me.
I looked at your friend's face and thought someone had just come from her make up trial.
Now, if our grooms and the uh, other couple would like to follow me, - I will begin our tour.
- Wonderful.
You look great.
(Birds chirp) All of our catering is provided by the neighboring farm.
We have fresh cheeses, breads, meats.
Oh, now I do apologize if the peonies back there were a little overwhelming, it rained last night and they just bloomed.
(Water splashes lightly) It's perfect.
David, I know you've made me relinquish most, if not all of the wedding planning to you at this point, but for what it's worth, this place is beautiful.
- I think this is it.
- Mhmm.
I think this is it, guys! See, David? Imagine if I wasn't here for this moment.
Mhmm, okay.
Glad you're here.
So, do we have a winner? If you're happy, I'm happy.
We have a winner, Clive! - Yes! - (All laugh) It's a hell of a story, Johnny.
So I'm next door, I'm cleaning the bathroom and I want a snack.
So I grab some of those jail time toaster pops and I put them in the toaster, - and suddenly there's a fire.
- Oh, Roland.
Why do they call them toaster pops if it says on the box, "Do not toast"? How mercurial is life? We all imagine being carried from the ashes by the Goddess Artemis and here I get a balatron from Barnum and Bailey.
- (Small laugh) - Okay.
I, I have no idea what that means, but it doesn't sound good.
Okay, I'm gonna go to lunch.
Gotta get this burnt toaster pop taste out of my mouth.
Excuse me.
Moira.
I'm just glad you're okay.
Hm.
And first thing in the morning, I'm going in and I'm fixing these latches.
No need, John.
I have been gifted a smoke signal and you will never again find me back in the closet.
Well, why don't we take this one step at a time? This may come as a shock to you, dear, but I don't believe my career has been that kind to me.
- What? - I all but perished in the name of an unrequited love for an industry that has burned me over and over again.
It's been difficult watching you go through this, Moira.
I know you'll want to fight me tooth and nail, John.
It's time my career took its final bow.
Now, if, if if that's what you want, Moira, just know that I'm here if you need me for anything.
Oh, I have never needed less.
Shall we take lunch outside today? - What a great idea.
- Lay a blanket somewhere! If you're feeling up for it, I mean I, I, I know you're still a bit shaken.
That's just it, John, I have never felt more lucid.
I'll fix a basket.
And I am including that Peruvian ayahuasca retreat we embarked upon with Al and Tipper.
Okay.
(Satisfied exhale) - (Classical music plays) - (Camera clicks) Okay, smiles over here please.
Ted wants to know what we're doing.
Okay, like, a little less eager and maybe one without Stevie.
- No offense.
- All right.
Alexis, could you put the phone down? You're gonna be spending six months with Ted, I think the two of you can chill for a minute.
Okay, this is our pricing guide.
Starting with our gold, silver, and bronze packages.
But, as you'll see, we can really accommodate almost any request.
- Are these in dollars? - Hm.
Okay, um is there a package lower than the bronze package? Perhaps a copper package? (Laughs) No, we can't accommodate that.
Did you not ask to see the prices in advance? - They don't provide - We don't provide pricing in advance.
Well, now we know why.
This might be the worst day of my life.
Okay, look.
Um, you're clearly very desperate and I'm feeling terribly for you.
I don't love the way you phrase that.
Now, we did just have a cancellation earlier in the week for a Sunday afternoon.
- Sundays are good.
- We can work with that.
Now, the first Sunday of every month is discounted already and we're unlikely to find someone else this late in the game.
So, I would be happy to offer you an additional 30% off.
Oh my God! Yes, but the only problem is: it's a month from today.
This is basically free! David, that's not enough time.
We need to give people notice.
Uh, I planned my ex girlfriend's intervention in less than an hour.
Plus, it'll weed out all the dead weight.
Um I will not be here in one month, so I guess that makes me the dead weight? I'm feeling a little tension.
We're gonna find another venue, okay? We can't get married without Alexis.
Why? She's the one that can't wait to get out of here.
I once dated someone who left me for a stuffed animal.
- I'm not having my big day - Our Our big day compromised because Alexis wanted to chill in a tankini for six months.
- (Shocked scoff) - (Hard exhale) Honestly, David, if this is the kind of bride you're going to be, - I'm glad that I'm leaving.
- Wha? And I would never wear a tankini! Uh, just so you're aware, that is house made bacon from the farm up the road.
- Oh, give me this.
- Can is that for everyone? - Oh, Please, please.
- Oh my God.
- (Door opens) - Okay! God.
Well, I guess congratulations are in order.
We didn't end up taking the venue.
Really? What stopped you? Did they like, run out of sandwiches or ? Uh, yes.
But that's not why.
We don't want to get married without you here, okay? - And? - And, David? And I didn't mean to make you feel excluded from the day.
Then again, when all you talk about is how excited you are to get out of here, I don't really feel like including you in stuff.
David, just say you're sorry so we can get your sister to the airport, okay? - Nevertheless - Mhmm.
I might have overreacted - and for that, I am apologetic.
- Wow.
So, you're sorry.
I knew there was a reason I came on this trip.
- (Engine choking) - My God.
I am remorseful over an action I participated in.
- Dammit! - What is going on? - Car won't start.
- What?! Well, I can't be late for my flight! Okay, well why don't you go inside and ask Clive for help then? Because my feet are killing me, David.
- Oh my God! - Why don't we go inside and see if there's anything Clive can do, okay? Why do I feel like Clive doesn't handle stress well? Come on.
Um, this might be a stupid question, but why are you wearing high heels on an airplane? Oh, I'm not wearing them on the plane, they hand out slippers with the mimosas.
When was the last time you flew economy? Hmm? (Birds chirp) Hard to believe this is our first trip down to the creek.
You know, Moira, after the week we've had, this is the perfect way to end it.
To think I nearly made you a widower.
Oh, John, I can just see you aimlessly wandering through life.
Stoic but stymied, not a friend in the world and so very lost.
Well, you're here now, Moira, and so am I.
And, with your career behind you, we'll be able to take advantage of more days like this.
Does this not remind you of that wellness retreat we went to in Evian, right after Alexis ended things with Sean Penn? Yes.
You and I wandered down to the lake, ne'ery a person to be found.
Bid adieu to our clothing and let the cool sting of the mineral water remind us that we were, in fact, alive and well.
I lost my Patek Philippe in that lake, but I wouldn't have had it any other way.
We seem to have found ourselves alone again, Mr.
Rose.
- Moira, that was 15 years ago! - Mm-hm? What if someone sees us? Who knows what will befall us tomorrow, John? You could be hit by a Mack truck, or bopped on the head by a tiny piece of space debris! I don't know, it feels risky.
Let me just attend to one thing first.
Moira, whatever it is can wait.
No, no.
Before we re-baptize ourselves I'm going to call my agent and make it official! Moira Rose is tech un-avail, she has a life to live.
I'm proud of you, Sweetheart.
You just remove those vetements, Mr.
Rose, I'll be back in the shake of a lamb's rump.
As soon as I find a signal.
Ugh! Ugh! Like (Pacing footsteps thud) (Stressed exhale) - What's going on over there? - I'm trying to check in! If we're going to be late, I'm going to at least do everything I can to not miss my flight, because I have never needed a vacation more.
Yeah, this? I think this is what might be bothering your brother.
Okay, I get it, my life is an inconvenience.
That.
Um, or the fact that you've been talking nonstop about how desperate you are to get out of here? I think it might be hurting his feelings.
Okay.
I'm moving to a place that doesn't have a Sephora for literally 2700 miles, so I'm sorry if I'm trying to convince myself that I'm doing the right thing.
I might still be a bit boozy, - Yes, I can confirm that.
- But I've actually been jealous of your trip.
Like, you're getting out there, seeing the world.
And now that Cabaret's over, I feel like I might need to be doing more of that.
I just wish I had your what's going on? Because I think I might be in the middle of giving you a compliment for the first time, so.
Yes, and I am super touched, it's just that I'm having trouble getting my boarding pass.
Like, do they not let people in economy check in for the flight? Can I see your phone? Okay.
Um, think I've found the problem your flight's not leaving for another month.
What?! Give me that! No, it says right here, 0-7-0-8.
Yeah, but it's day before month, so you're not leaving on July 8th, - you're leaving on August 7th.
- What? Ugh, and my stupid ticket doesn't allow for any changes.
Ugh! What am I supposed to do? Well, maybe you could start by telling David that you messed up and he can book the venue after all! Okay, I would literally rather sleep at the airport - for a month.
- Yeah.
Can you hear me now? No, I'm not blocking the microphone with my finger anymore! Okay, no I was.
Now yes? Oh, well, what would the back end look like on a deal like that? Oh, I see, what an emphatically Kismetic turn of events.
Oh, John's here now.
Okay, talk soon.
Kisses! Johnathan, have we found ourselves a new friend? - Hmm.
- Hello ma'am, I'm Officer Cornwall.
I was off duty when I came across this man in a state of undress, down by the creek.
He claims to be your husband? Last I checked, a decades-long successful marriage is not a criminal offense.
No, no it is not.
However, indecent exposure certainly is.
I found your husband sunning himself in the creek, like he was in some Grecian bath.
No, I don't think we need to editorialize.
John, I'm so sorry, I was engrossed in a very stirring phone call.
Officer, perhaps we could arrange a plea bargain? Well, since I wasn't supposed to be fly fishing at this end of the creek, uh I think we can leave it at a warning.
Oh, thank you, Officer, for your almost militant commitment to the protection of our community.
I promise to keep my husband habilimented from now on.
John, you won't believe what's happened! What happened was, you left me alone, struggling to get out of a creek! The algae was so slippery, the cop had to throw me his fishing line.
Well, button back up your birthday tux, John, because I've just found out the "Crows" movie is back in business! - What? - Yes! Apparently it's been picked up by Interflex, a brand new streaming service.
Can you believe that? Moira, you were just saying what a relief it was to have the ups and downs of your career - behind you, and - I know, right? How serendipitous is this? At the precise moment I choose to walk away, the industry comes crawling back to me on all fours.
I just worry about the next time it's not great news.
A new day has dawned.
It took my accepting that I could quit at any time to realize I mustn’t, John.
Ever.
If this is what you really want, then I'm - I'm happy for you.
- Thank you, John.
It appears officer fly fish has taken his leave, how about that dip? Oh, I think the moment has passed.
- (Door opens) - Okay, roadside assistance isn't gonna be here for the next hour, so we're going to call you a cab.
And Clive didn't have jumper cables because he doesn't drive because he's scared of car horns.
Okay, um, David? I also have something that I would like to say to you as well.
Okay? I am sorry also, for rubbing my trip in your face.
The truth is, is that I'm really gonna miss you.
Thank you.
I'm going to miss you, as well.
And I just feel so bad about standing in the way - of your dream wedding.
- Oh But maybe I should just, like, - push my trip back by a month.
- Wow.
Okay.
I am not having you push your trip back.
No, I insist.
What's going on? Nothing, David, just accept your wedding gift.
- Patrick, call a cab, please.
- 'Kay.
Okay, no, don't call a cab! Ugh.
- My flight got delayed.
- Delayed by a month? - This is like watching a car crash.
- Ugh.
You mixed up the day and the month on your ticket again, - didn't you? - No! I no.
Like that time you showed up to Kate Winslet's wedding - a month late.
- The calligraphy was hard to read and Billy Zane also did the same thing, David.
- Unbelievable.
- Okay, well the upside is that you guys can now take the place, so actually, you're welcome.
She's right, David.
We could go back and talk to Clive.
Do we go back and talk to Clive?! - (Loud blood-curdling squealing) - Ew.
- Oh my God.
- What is that? It's like a thousand babies teething.
Didn't he say there was a farm up the road? Uh, that is correct.
They process their pork on the first Sunday of every month, hence our discounted rates.
Did I hear that the wedding was back on? Hey.
This is not a winner, Clive.
Okay.
I can't stop hearing it! It sounded like a thousand Guinea pigs were being shoved into a wood chipper.
- Pork chops? - Oh, no thank you.
I'll have my later, thanks.
Well, it sounds to me like you two dodged a bacon-wrapped bullet.
I'll say it again life is but a strand of happy accidents.
You've never said that before.
It's such great news about the film, Mrs.
Rose.
Interflex is huge.
Oh, wait 'til our movie drops.
So, I just talked to Ted.
He's devastated, obviously, but he did say that it's probably for the best because he still hasn't lizard-proofed his place and I have absolutely no desire to be there until that happens.
You see? Further proof that life is but a - Okay.
We get it.
- Strand.
Well, I, for one, am happy to have you - for another month, Alexis.
- Thank you.
Hey, what if we got married here? What if we got married under a highway overpass? I'm serious.
This place means something to you guys.
Put a tent in the back, string up some lights.
You could make it beautiful.
- I'll think about it.
- Okay.
Oh, in other news your father was arrested for indecent exposure.
- Ew, I'm eating! - Moira.
Okay.
There's no backing out now! (Chuckles)